Miscellaneous: Today, while I was sleeping, apparently I rolled over towards...

By fartz - United States

Today, while I was sleeping, apparently I rolled over towards my fiancé and told him "We gotta save the turtles!" and had a five seconds long fart. Now he won't stop making fun of me. FML

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Miscellaneous

Rock, hard place

Our house, in the middle of our street

Triage

By Anonymous - 16/5/2020 17:00

Time don't heal nothing

Today, I was sitting in my garden with my younger sister when she told me that she'd found pictures of me from a decade ago. She also told me that I've changed a lot over the years, because back then I was still pretty. My neighbours overheard it and started laughing out loud. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1690

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170

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By Anonymous - 3/3/2021 20:02 - Australia

Admit you're shit

Today, I found out that one of my coworkers, who has been with the company for less than a week, is getting a $7k pay rise. I've been with the company for 8 months and still on minimum wage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

920

You deserved it

109

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By Scarlett - Canada - Barrie

Today, while I was babysitting, the little girl wanted to show me a picture that her mom had just sent to the family iPad via iMessage. Trying to be helpful, I clicked iMessage, only to see pictures of her father's erect penis. She won't stop asking about the "hotdog" in the picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37687

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3583

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By rosabelle91 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I realised that my boyfriend calls me "bitch" more often than he calls me by my actual name. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32342

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By friendless - United States - Spokane

#rude

Today, I invited my only friend to my birthday party and she said no, not because she couldn’t go, but because she didn’t want to. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4731

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398

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2020 09:05 - United Kingdom - Exeter

Can't get no…

Today, my seventy-year-old male live-in landlord asked if I'd heard a low humming noise the last few nights, around midnight, as someone had mentioned it. I feigned ignorance, whilst silently lamenting the decline of my self-pleasure opportunities. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1216

You deserved it

236

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, finishing up in the shower room, I walked into the kitchen to get a drink. Apparently both bathrooms were occupied and my grandmother really had to go... She was bent over in the kitchen peeing into a cup. I may never be able to erase this image. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30708

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By Ania - United States

Today, I went shopping with my mom. I went into my department and tried on some clothes. After a few minutes, there is an announcement that a child has gone missing. Staff are searching the store. I see my mom and she hugs me in tears and yells, "I found her!" I'm almost 17. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42790

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3616

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By Noname - France

Today, my two year old girl said "motherfucker". Everyone laughed, even her grandparents. Our family is insane. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34011

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9159

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By whatthewhat - United States

Today, a woman cursed me out, called me a perverted freak, and said I should be ashamed of myself because I had asked her "How much for one night?." She works in a toy shop, I was with my five year old daughter, and was pointing to the sign, "Rent A Helium Tank!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

46094

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By Nyah Murphy

Today, I fell asleep for 20 minutes during my first final in law school. I took a $70k loan to be here. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2120

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4941

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By That guy - 15/10/2020 17:01

So you had a bad day…

Today, I woke up early for work and spent 30 minutes frantically looking for my keys. I had to take a 30-minute Uber ride to work, then drove an hour in the company truck, only to be stood up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

883

You deserved it

101

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By dadum - Australia

Creeped out

Today, I had a stranger scream at me that I was a whore and I was trying to steal her boyfriend. She then said my full name, stating my previous hair colour, my recent activities and that her boyfriend had been my year nine dance partner. I officially have a stalker. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42418

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States - Blain

Today, my mom baked a cake for the whole family. One spent EpiPen later, I found out there were nuts in it, which I'm severely allergic to. My mom's defense was that she thought I'd have "gotten over" my allergy by now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50271

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3102

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By Janice

RIP in peace

Today, while working as a bank teller, a woman came in with a $100k check. I commented, "Wow, I really could do with one of these!" She responded, "It's a life insurance check. I'd rather have my son back," and teared up in front of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1928

You deserved it

3779

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By bystander - United States

Today, we had our friends over for dinner, one of whom is a psychiatrist. After a few drinks, my drunk wife and the equally drunk psychiatrist began to analyze my various character flaws. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26673

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2876

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By dearprudence89 - United States

Today, I was kicked out of a Family Dollar. My mom thought it would be fun to press all the buttons on the musical ceramic cathedrals so they would all play at the same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24529

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3056

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By Noname - United States

Today, my sister asked if she could look through my closet to find something to wear. She is 6 months pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47532

You deserved it

8822

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2021 21:30

Indeed

Today, my mother suffered a stroke and had to be hospitalized. In order to drive him to the hospital, I actually had to find my father, who never answers any phone calls or messages and is rarely home. I found out on the spot that he was cheating on my mother. What an asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks

943

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By Scared - United States - Arlington

Today, I walked in on my mother stroking my cat and murmuring, "Don't worry, kitty. One day, you and I... we will rule." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32579

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend called me into the bathroom and proudly showed me how far back he could stand from the toilet while he peed. Unfortunately, he got distracted and peed all over the floor I had mopped just an hour before. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13819

You deserved it

1215

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By Bellucy27 - United States

Today, I went to the new Walmart to buy a space heater. After dodging cones in the parking lot, and trying to open several doors while employees looked on, I checked the sign, which said "24 hours." I then realized is stated that the grand opening is tomorrow. I'm now sitting in my apartment shivering. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10528

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By Chris - United States - House Springs

Today, my wife and I went to our friend's house to play some pool. While playing, a Cicada started to fly towards my face, so I flipped my pool stick over and swatted at it with the fat end of the stick. I hit the bug. However, with the skinny side I hit myself in the snow-globes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10187

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By WaffleJesus - United States

Today, my husband is sulking because I wouldn't let him do what he's always wanted to do: throw our cat out the second floor window to see if she would land safely and on all fours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27188

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By anonynomi - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was accused of shoplifting, after the alarm started beeping as I walked into the store. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24917

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1582

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By porkieworkie - United States

Today, just after getting off the phone with a girl I am interested in, I parked on campus and decided to eat my lunch in the car. As I was sitting there, she appeared out of nowhere and walked to her car. I was parked directly behind her car, sitting there like a creepy ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58603

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By kdgirl - United States

Today, my Grandmother gave me rosary beads for my birthday. She told me I better start praying for a husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29288

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3121

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By Anonymous

Mommy's boy

Today, I found out that in the past, my mother has paid or outright threatened my girlfriends into breaking up with me, because they were, "unsuitable trash not fit to be the mothers of my future grand babies." This explains why I’m 47 and have never married or had children. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2308

You deserved it

138

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By whatthewhat? - United States

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend because I couldn't trust her after cheating on me with 3 guys. Our friends are sad about it so they're throwing her a pity party. Now I'm single and I have no friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40806

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3514

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2021 11:01

Odd one out

Today, I went to the mall with two friends. A modelling scout approached us and asked both of my friends if they were interested in modelling. When the scout finally noticed me, she asked if I was their mom. We're all the same age. FML

I agree, your life sucks

931

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By titkip - Kenya - Nairobi

Today, I got a text from a call girl. She asked me to delete her number because I am too demanding. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18679

You deserved it

9468

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By whatwasithinking - 14/10/2020 17:01

He's let himself go

Today, I took my kids to our local swimming pool. When we arrived, there were several cop cars parked outside and a group of officers interrogating a creepy, haggard-looking old man who was in handcuffs on the bench. As we got closer, I realized the man was my ex-husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1184

You deserved it

107

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By Anonymous - United States - Charlotte

Today, in art class, our instructor called me up to the front to model for a drawing. I agreed to pose because it was nice to be called on, and I needed a self-esteem boost. He then thanked me, saying it's a great exercise for the class to draw such strange proportions. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29090

You deserved it

2476

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By nosymptoms - United States

Today, my boyfriend of three months told me he's going to get tested for STDs, because he's worried about a previous partner. I'm grateful for his thoughtfulness, but I'd be even more grateful if we hadn't already slept together several times. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30598

You deserved it

7241

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By GotGasNotLuck - Australia - Girraween

Today, at my job in a gas station, a customer who had previously driven off without paying came in to shout abuse at me because I had said in the police statement, "He looks about 60." He is apparently 55. He didn't come in to pay, he came in to swear at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33147

You deserved it

2232

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my grandma's chihuahua was run over while I was taking her for a walk. She later whispered to me, "It should have been you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

61949

You deserved it

8065

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while emailing my very young, attractive teacher to ask a question, my hand slipped. Too bad you can't unsend emails that say "Can we meet after school some time? I have some thongs I'd like to discuss with you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

42247

You deserved it

11467

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By DDubs - United Kingdom

Today, I realised that I have fallen for the most amazing girl. She's good looking, has a great personality, she's funny and is a hit with all my friends but she doesn't seem to realise she has a body odor problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31787

You deserved it

6152

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By Anonymous - United States - Corona

Today, my brother got pantsed by his idiot friends. It was a surprise to everyone that he was wearing women's underwear at the time, but even more of a surprise for me that the underwear belonged to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51900

You deserved it

4660

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By sadgf - United States

Today, my boyfriend came home from being deployed for the past 3 months. As soon as he gets out of the car, he walks right past me and goes to hug his dog. FML

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48714

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Top comments

By camsterjoe | 12

#5652036 - Saturday 31 August 2013 16:44

I'm glad you feel so strongly about protecting our ecosystem, but did you really have to gas the place?

By courtz94 | 24

#5652021 - Saturday 31 August 2013 16:41

It happened and it is what it is. Just laugh it off. If he's truly hurting your feelings, just tell him. If he doesn't listen, then try to brush it off. If he sees it's not bothering you, eventually he'll stop.

COMMENTS

By smilevue | 23

#5652019 - Saturday 31 August 2013 16:41

That stinks op.

Bano360 | 25

#5652148 - Saturday 31 August 2013 18:54

Love you #20.

MzZombicidal | 36

#5652204 - Saturday 31 August 2013 19:28

This is definitely one of my favorite FML's to date. OP, you should joke about it, too! You already know if he'd done it, you'd be laughing just as much. :P

Murilirum | 23

#5652286 - Saturday 31 August 2013 20:13

That was a shellow joke.

derjoachim | 6

#5652387 - Saturday 31 August 2013 22:29

@ #45 I am a bad man. That terrible pun made me smile.

By courtz94 | 24

#5652021 - Saturday 31 August 2013 16:41

RpiesSPIES | 27

#5652135 - Saturday 31 August 2013 18:26

Now that's just not true. The last bit, I mean.

ottokat | 15

#5652302 - Saturday 31 August 2013 20:22

Take it from someone with younger siblings: ignoring them doesn't work. It's like they get off on it.

courtz94 | 24

#6229222 - Wednesday 11 March 2015 19:40

It is in my experience. Eventually something else happened and people stopped picking on me for the embarrassing thing. That's the thing with life, something always happens to give you another focus.

By lagrimae | 9

#5652023 - Saturday 31 August 2013 16:41

lol, you & my husband have something in common.

MikeonFML | 17

#5652105 - Saturday 31 August 2013 17:57

Your husband has rolled over while sleeping, said "We gotta save the turtles!" And then farted for 5 seconds? That is one solid coincidence

SMHsohard | 22

#5652111 - Saturday 31 August 2013 18:01

My husband has been doing stuff like this for 30 years. I just consider it free entertainment in the middle of the night, and sometimes it's pretty damn funny.