By Anonymous - 8/4/2020 23:00

Rude awakening

Today, I was woken up at 4 in the morning by my boyfriend farting on my leg and giggling in his sleep. For the third time. FML

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No one likes a smart-ass

Yappy neighborhood

Creepy

By Anonymous - 25/11/2010 02:49 - United States

Today, I celebrated my birthday. When asked last week, I said I wanted a keyboard. When I opened the present, my parents went into hysterics. It was an electronic Dora the Explorer keyboard. I've been studying music composition and theory for six years. They think my major's a joke. FML

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By BathroomMuch - 25/12/2009 16:15 - United States

Today, I have been stuck in the bathroom. Apparently, my 8 year old son decided to sneak in some TurboLax into the juice we left out for Santa. Well played son. FML

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By lonestar - 3/2/2010 13:57 - United States

Today, my boyfriend accused me of deleting my texts from my phone because I'm afraid of him finding out about another man in my life. Truth is, I don't have a life outside of him. FML

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By Garrison - 18/12/2017 15:40 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I was arrested for kidnapping a child. MY child. Do you know how hard it is as a white man to convince a police officer that a Mexican toddler screaming "stranger danger" is yours? FML

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By hipster glasses - 16/8/2013 11:08 - United States

Today, I was verbally abused by a customer at my job. Apparently, wearing "ugly, thick-framed hipster glasses as a fashion statement is a HUGE faux pas." These are my actual prescription glasses, and "faux pas" is not pronounced "fox paws". FML

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By ouch. - 25/9/2011 04:17 - United States

Today, my father was telling me that one of the benefits about his job was that the family could get discounts, then asked if I'd like some. My dad's a plastic surgeon. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2015 07:57 - United States - Houston

Today, at dinner, my downstair's neighbors described how they can listen to most of my movements, including the buzz of my phone when I text late at night. I think all of us knew it is not my phone that vibrates at that time. FML

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By Jules - 21/2/2011 07:59 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me over the phone. He said I look too ugly when I cry to do it seriously in person. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/2/2014 12:43

Today, I walked into my house with a couple of friends and I saw my girlfriend doing laundry. I jokingly asked her if she had time to do a load of mine as well. She scoffed and said, "Yeah babe, I'll gladly do your laundry... The same day you learn to wipe properly." FML

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By DamnDominoes - 10/6/2009 11:39 - United Arab Emirates

Today, I had just a few dominoes left to complete the whole project that I've been working on for about three weeks. I pressed record on my video camera, flicked the first domino, and watched with pride. When it finished, I realized I hadn't actually pressed record. FML

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By gwengas - 30/7/2014 06:51 - France - Saint-ouen-des-alleux

Today, while out with my boyfriend, I gave a beggar some cash, who then smiled at me and said to my boyfriend, "You have a beautiful little lady, take good care of her." Flattered, I hoped my boyfriend would agree with the compliment. He turned and said, "Hear that? He said you were little." FML

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By - 17/11/2019 18:00

I will always be in her thought

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after being "pressured" into a relationship with another guy. But it's okay, she said she would think of me every time she made love to him. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2016 16:35 - United States - Houston

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to have some alone time under the stars. Things were getting hot and heavy in my truck bed and clothes went everywhere. After getting dressed, I felt pain. Little did I know that I threw my underwear in an ant pile. I got bit down south, a lot. FML

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By Noca - 23/3/2009 01:02 - United States

Today, I was eating with my boyfriend and his family at a high-end restaurant when, suddenly, I screamed, thinking a dog had just bitten my leg. I am terrified of dogs. I kicked my under-the-table assailant as hard as I could. It was my boyfriend's adorable five-year-old sister. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2018 16:00 - United States - Portsmouth

Today, my wife asked me to come talk to her in the bedroom. Thinking she wanted to have a quickie while her sister was spending time with our son, I rushed into the room. She didn't want a quickie, she wanted a divorce. FML

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By N O - 27/5/2014 18:47 - Canada - Granton

Today, my husband thought it would be hilarious to slip a little fake blood into the bathtub while I was relaxing in it, eyes closed. When I opened my eyes, the water was one big cloud of red. I screamed so loud that I might as well have been dying, and yes, he recorded everything. FML

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By Candy - 20/5/2010 12:37 - United States

Today, my mom bought me some expensive Japanese candy. I opened it, and saw that each chewy candy was wrapped in a thin, hard to peel off wrapper. After trying to get each wrapper off, I determined they were unopen-able and threw them away. I then read the box, saying the wrappers were edible. FML

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By Karmas3itch - 12/5/2009 04:19 - United States

Today, I was taking a bath and needed shampoo. I leaned on the soap holder to get some and it came off the wall. Huge ants started pouring out running up the walls, down the walls, EVERYWHERE. I ran out of the bathroom screaming, completely naked. FML

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By ew - 27/10/2010 05:24 - United States

Today, I realized that my dandruff issue was so horrible, that even my eyebrows have dandruff. FML

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By tina247 - 24/1/2011 15:50

Today, I realised that my husband's vows were actually the love speech from 'When Harry Met Sally'. This was made even more humiliating when I discovered that he hadn't even come up with the idea himself, he had seen it in an episode of Scrubs. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2015 01:26 - United States - Washington

Today, I spent an hour in a snowstorm waiting for my bus to show up. After I got fed up, I decided to just clean off my car and drive to work. After I was halfway finished swiping off the snow and ice stuck to my car, the bus drove right past me. FML

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By WhoNose - 6/11/2016 23:52

Today, the smoke detector in my bedroom malfunctioned and started going off while my cat was asleep on my shoulder. He panicked and deeply lacerated my nose with his claw as he ran off. Blood got everywhere, and to add insult to injury the unit has no removable battery and wouldn't turn off. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2010 07:03 - United States

Today, I tried to get over my childhood phobia of syringes by donating blood. The phlebotomist hadn't even touched the needle before I started sobbing hysterically. They made me leave. FML

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By Lena - 27/3/2009 04:07 - United States

Today, I got a small scar on my faced removed at a plastic surgeon's. Afterward, I told my mom that losing the scar felt weird, like I lost something that gave me character. My mom replied, "Don't worry, you have plenty of other flaws to give you character." FML

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By ad4 - 31/1/2011 23:11 - United States

Today, I was woken up to my family surrounding me with breakfast in bed and sweet 16 balloons. My birthday is in 3 months, and I will be 17. FML

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By kallens - 17/1/2009 20:57 - United States

Today, I was putting a wristband on a little boy's wrist so he could swim in the waterpark. Just before I finished, he coughed all over my hands and arms. I finished and looked up at the boy just in time for us to make eye contact and for him to cough directly into my face. FML

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By Noname - 5/3/2009 19:44 - Canada

Today, at the dentist, I was getting my teeth cleaned. Looking up at his nose, I saw runny snot dripping onto his lip. I tried to slowly move away. He told me "Stop!" The movement of his lips caused the snot to fall right into my mouth. FML

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By fuck - 18/3/2015 17:40 - Netherlands

Today, I went to the store to buy some condoms. I couldn't find them anywhere, so I nervously asked a staff member for help. She scowled, pointed at the shelf directly behind me, and told me to "Get a life. Or better pickup lines." I'll never live down the snickers from the other customers. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2016 03:48 - United States - Smyrna

Today, I was driving back home when I saw a yellow object flying off my roof of my car through the side mirrors. I thought nothing of it, then I noticed that I didn't have my phone with me. That's when I realized that the "flying yellow object" was my phone. FML

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By DangerZone - 12/11/2009 03:05 - United States

Today, I was playing football for my school. I had the ball and was running down the sideline. The guy behind pulled my flag off along with my shorts and boxers. I dove to try to escape and I happened to land on the hottest girl in the class who was on the sideline. I had no pants on. FML

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By waaah - 25/6/2012 07:00 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. He decided he would be a gentleman and do this to me at work, over text, during a rush of unsympathetic customers, the day before our anniversary. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/5/2013 21:44 - United Kingdom - Liverpool

Today, my neighbours' whiny emo of a daughter got dumped by her boyfriend. In her infinite wisdom, she's chosen to cope by playing on her recorder the worst rendition of "My Heart Will Go On" that I've ever heard. It's been going on all day. Now I know why he dumped this idiot. FML

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By jimmy_poison - 9/2/2015 00:19 - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, my date bumped into her ex-husband, who decided to join us for the rest of the dinner. FML

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By Chipper - 9/6/2009 00:14 - United States

Today, I was playing piano for a wedding rehearsal. Bored, I decided to pass the time playing through a book of music I found in the piano bench. Some time later the bride turns to me and screams at me to stop. I had turned the page and had begun to play "Let's call the whole thing off." FML

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By Breezie - 14/10/2019 20:00 - United States

Hi Zach!

Today, at work, a customer commented that I look like Zach Galifianakis. I'm a girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/12/2010 13:09 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Instead of having breakup sex, she tidied my room. She said it gave her more pleasure than any time we'd ever had sex. FML

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By Non-active - 25/9/2009 18:22 - United States

Today, we got our progress reports. My physics teacher wrote that I don't participate in class. My mom got mad and grounded me before I could tell her that I raise my hand in class all the time but my teacher won't call on me cause he can't pronounce my name. FML

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By micahmatt - 26/8/2009 07:09 - United States

Today, I found out why my 20 year-old girlfriend broke up with me. She was building everything she did to match her favorite TV show. The main character left her boyfriend in the exact way she left me. And the breakup email she sent me contained monologue from the TV show, word for word. FML

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By ugh - 23/1/2016 20:48 - United States - Agoura Hills

Today, I crashed my car into a bridge, while playing a song with the line, "I crashed my car into a bridge". FML

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By passedout - 14/7/2017 05:00

Today, I got my blood drawn for a donation and they didn't warn me that I was borderline anemic. I passed out in the middle of Walgreens and woke up to people just standing there, staring. FML

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Top comments

By bloopaloop | 27

#7896041 - Wednesday 8 April 2020 23:22

He’s not asleep.

By Crowned Sataness | 2

#7896114 - Thursday 9 April 2020 8:12

story of my life all night every night! let loose and rip one back, fart wars get really disgustingly funny. I'm a chick and I woke my husband up a few nights ago ripping horrible one on his back

Comments

By bloopaloop | 27

#7896041 - Wednesday 8 April 2020 23:22

He’s not asleep.

By Robert Cruikshank | 5

#7896050 - Thursday 9 April 2020 0:03

Oh boo hoo, farts happen, you do it too, and not just from your butt.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7896058 - Thursday 9 April 2020 1:08

Fart on me once,
Shame on you.
Fart on me twice,
Shame on me.

Fart on me thrice,
You've got a weird fetish there, pervert!

By skippydoda | 32

#7896095 - Thursday 9 April 2020 5:48

Next time, crack him in his nuts. That should stop him

By sickerthanyou | 13

#7896106 - Thursday 9 April 2020 6:42

My ex loved it when I farted because she thought I was comfortable with her, which was actually true but also I’m a very gassy individual

By Crowned Sataness | 2

#7896114 - Thursday 9 April 2020 8:12

story of my life all night every night! let loose and rip one back, fart wars get really disgustingly funny. I'm a chick and I woke my husband up a few nights ago ripping horrible one on his back