By Anonymous - 8/4/2020 23:00

Rude awakening

Today, I was woken up at 4 in the morning by my boyfriend farting on my leg and giggling in his sleep. For the third time. FML

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Healthy relationship

Never flip flop and drive

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

By Rainman - 14/6/2009 20:39 - United States

Today, I had to water my entire garden. After an exhausting hour of watering hundreds of plants, I turned off the hose and started to feel good about the grueling job. That is, until it started pouring rain. FML

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By thatsmejl - 15/9/2011 13:47 - United States

Today, I had to fire an employee because she constantly calls in, or is late to work. She became very emotional and I felt kind of bad, so I walked her out myself. We then got stuck in the company elevator. FML

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By hated - 26/3/2009 17:40 - United States

Today, I was leading a wheelchair fundraiser to raise money to make public areas wheelchair accessible. I had several guest speakers, all of which were confined to wheelchairs. About ten minutes after the fundraiser was supposed to begin, I realized that the stage was wheelchair incompatible. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2017 17:00 - Canada - Elora

Today, I was cleaning my older brothers room in my mom's house after he had just moved out with his girlfriend. I guess I was multitasking a little too much and not paying too much attention to what I was doing and I realized 15 seconds later, I was holding a used condom in my right hand, FML

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By TotallyFkd - 22/1/2009 20:49 - United States

Today, I moved back home because I got laid off and could no longer afford my apartment. I decided to take a nap and when I woke up I overheard my Mom telling my Aunt that she used to be so proud of me and wonders when I became such a loser. Burn. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/6/2015 23:13 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I went to the living room where my mother was so I could ask her about something. I found her lying pantsless on the couch trying to cut her pubic hair with a pair of scissors. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2009 07:08 - United States

Today, after a long day of cleaning, I decided to make a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch. Reaching for what I thought was Pam I coated my bread with spray and put my sandwich in the pan. Pledge makes a great looking sandwich, but the lemony flavor tastes like crap. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2012 05:35 - United States

Today, my family made a fake boyfriend for me on Facebook, since it's been so long since I had one. I accepted the relationship request to try and trick people into thinking I actually had a boyfriend. FML

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By FML4evs - 10/4/2009 02:43 - United States

Today, my younger brother watched an old music video of The Who, who are know for smashing up their guitars and such. He decided it would be cool to try it with mine. That guitar was worth over $3000. FML

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By Dildno - 10/12/2016 08:48 - United States - Worcester

Today, I was using my iPad for a presentation. I locked it and left it connected to the projector while I prepared to present. When I turned around to begin, I realized there had been a push notification from Groupon asking if I was still interested in a dildo. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2009 04:17 - United States

Today, I had a playing test in orchestra, which I've pracriced over 30 hours for. After I played my part, which I thought I did very well, my teacher asked how much I had practice. Trying to show off, I said "Oh, just 30 minutes." My teacher said "It shows, that was terrible." She was serious. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2010 17:35 - Canada

Today, my grandma walked into my room and asked if the thing lying on my nightstand was a computer. I said ''Grandma, that's a clock.'' After staring at me, confused for a few seconds, she then farted, and left my room. FML

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By Kerlane - 5/12/2008 03:45 - France

Today, I was sitting on the bus on my commute to work, when I nodded off on the charming young man next to me. Something cold and wet touched me, and I looked down to see a small pool of my saliva collecting on my chest. The man thought this was hilarious. FML

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By wowsucks - 30/1/2010 09:40 - United States

Today, I realized that the only reason my boyfriend has been coming over to hang out at my house for the past two months is because my little brother has an N64. I have become a third wheel to their mario kart dates. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/9/2020 14:05

Pushover

Today, my in-laws invited themselves to stay at my house for a few days. They live out of state and have been self-quarantining for months. The reason for visiting? So they can throw a party for extended family at our house. Guess who'll end up doing all the work and clean up? FML

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By Light Sleeper - 14/10/2012 04:24 - United States - Evansville

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend trying to initiate sex with me in my sleep. He confessed to thinking that if he did it lightly enough, I'd think I was just dreaming. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2011 04:24 - United States

Today, life gave me lemons, delivering them straight to my nuts via my neighbor's tennis ball shooter. FML

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By fuckedbyretail - 2/2/2013 14:53 - United States - Charlotte

Today, at my retail job, a woman came to my till with her purchases. After I scanned all her items, she handed me two small bags. One was filled with nickels and dimes. The other was filled with cents. Her total was $28.53. The coins amounted to $22.30. FML

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By dumped - 22/6/2019 01:18 - United Kingdom - Wigan

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. How? He invited my mother to his house for coffee with his parents, and told her. She then had to come home and tell me I’d been dumped. FML

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By bananna - 29/5/2014 15:18 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I found out our newborn snores worse than his father. FML

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By NeitherHrotsvitNorErkembaldus - 29/7/2016 21:21 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I learned that the hardest part of marrying a historian is choosing baby names. His top choices derive from two Roman magistrates, two abbesses, a tenth-century author, and an obscure Greek official. I already let him name our pug, for whom he chose the name "Tertullianus." FML

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By Kahlilah Kilgore - 20/10/2019 16:00

Touching story

Today, I was half asleep when my cat came over to cuddle. I was petting her in the dark when I felt what I thought was a patch of matted fur under her neck, as if she had been injured and bleeding. Alarmed, I felt for that spot again and found myself holding her tail. What I'd felt was in fact my cat's anus. FML

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By fack - 26/11/2013 18:35 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mom told me that when my sister and I were born, the first thing my dad said was, "I hope they don't turn out vegetarian." I did. FML

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By geli - 9/8/2016 00:12

Today, while at the public swimming pool, I gave my 2-year-old daughter a piggy back ride in the pool. We were having fun until I realized she had untied my swim top. FML

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By - 16/1/2020 18:00

I am clumsy!

Today my girlfriend was on top during sex. I went to slap her butt, missed and nailed myself in the balls. We had to stop. She wouldn't stop laughing. FML

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By BigBangrocksthenight - 3/4/2010 00:31 - United States

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. Things got kind of heated, so he decided to take off my bra. They cooled back down when a bug flew out. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2011 11:54 - Australia

Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. Afterwards, he laid on the bed, silent and naked in the fetal position, I had to sit there stroking his head for an hour. I think I raped my boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/12/2013 17:20 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I came home after a long day at work, and decided to tidy up a bit before finally settling down to relax. I went to take the garbage out, when the bag split and out fell the trash along with hundreds of tiny red ants. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2014 22:52 - United States - Chestnut Hill

Today, I learned that the blisters that popped up this morning on my hands and feet are a result of a virus that takes two weeks to fully heal. After I told my roommates to be careful, one of them decided that NOW was a good time to tell us she had it last week. FML

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By Fmycar - 26/9/2009 05:19 - United States

Today, my football team played in a game against our rival school that was just a few blocks away. We hadn't lost the game in exactly 49 years, we were playing for the 50th year win. We lost 63-0, and got booed off the field by our own crowd. FML

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By not impressed - 9/10/2015 18:27 - Canada - Nanaimo

Today, I told my boyfriend that I love him. He replied, dead serious, "That's nice and all, but anal speaks louder than words." FML

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By Anonymous - 22/1/2015 18:27 - United States - Katy

Today, my in-laws were visiting. My mother-in-law asked my 10-year-old son what he wants to be when he grows up. He said "A pimp!" I have no idea where he even heard the word, but the death glares my in-laws gave me made me want to shrivel up and die. FML

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By anonymous - 6/3/2016 05:33 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my 17 year old daughter told me she was going to bake a cake. When she finished she offered me one and it was crunchy. I asked her why and she said the recipe said to put eggs in. She put them in whole. FML

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By what did i marry - 25/5/2018 12:00 - United States - Memphis

Today, I had to explain to my husband that the Earth is not flat. He didn’t believe me. FML

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By JohnBlack - 12/6/2012 03:56 - United States

Today, I was told off for not holding the door open for a woman behind me at work. Yesterday I was informed that chivalry is offensive to women, as it implies that they are not equal to men. I can't win. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2015 20:24 - United States - Porter

Today, I'm so sexually deprived that I got a raging hard-on from seeing and hearing my coworker yawn. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/3/2018 15:00

Today, as I was perusing old photos with my mother, I found one of her with a "childhood friend" at her wedding to my dad. Now I know where my green eyes and blotchy neck birthmark came from, and it's not from the man I’ve been calling "dad" for 40 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2009 01:40 - United States

Today, it was pouring rain outside, I had 2 textbooks in my hands. I took a shortcut, and instead of running around the small pole that directed the line at the cafe, I decided to jump over it. In front of a group of guys, my foot got caught and I face planted with my books flying everywhere. FML

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By poor baby - 12/6/2015 16:51 - Germany

Today, my boyfriend forgot to pick our son up from daycare. His excuse? Fighting in a battle in World of Warcraft was far more important and he had to stay absolutely focused. Our son had to wait for two hours. FML

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By Egtat216 - 29/7/2016 22:03 - United Kingdom - Aberdeen

Today, whilst tuning my guitar, one of the steel strings snapped and hit me in the face. Now I'm on my way to my first date with the girl of my dreams, and I'm wearing an eye patch and have a thick red line across my face. FML

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Top comments

By bloopaloop | 27

#7896041 - Wednesday 8 April 2020 23:22

He’s not asleep.

By Crowned Sataness | 3

#7896114 - Thursday 9 April 2020 8:12

story of my life all night every night! let loose and rip one back, fart wars get really disgustingly funny. I'm a chick and I woke my husband up a few nights ago ripping horrible one on his back

COMMENTS

By bloopaloop | 27

#7896041 - Wednesday 8 April 2020 23:22

He’s not asleep.

By Robert Cruikshank | 7

#7896050 - Thursday 9 April 2020 0:03

Oh boo hoo, farts happen, you do it too, and not just from your butt.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7896058 - Thursday 9 April 2020 1:08

Fart on me once,
Shame on you.
Fart on me twice,
Shame on me.

Fart on me thrice,
You've got a weird fetish there, pervert!

By skippydoda | 32

#7896095 - Thursday 9 April 2020 5:48

Next time, crack him in his nuts. That should stop him

By sickerthanyou | 13

#7896106 - Thursday 9 April 2020 6:42

My ex loved it when I farted because she thought I was comfortable with her, which was actually true but also I’m a very gassy individual

By Crowned Sataness | 3

#7896114 - Thursday 9 April 2020 8:12

story of my life all night every night! let loose and rip one back, fart wars get really disgustingly funny. I'm a chick and I woke my husband up a few nights ago ripping horrible one on his back