Work: Today, my 17-year-old employee accidentally called me "Dad".... - FML

By NotYourDaddy

Today, my 17-year-old employee accidentally called me "Dad". We all got a good laugh from it and went on with our days. Later, after getting her some coins for her cash drawer, she playfully said, "Thanks, Daddy." The customer she was serving? My wife. FML

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Triage

There's no helping some people

Goodbye Bill

By Anonymous - United States - Castle Rock

Today, after eight months of unemployment, I finally started at my new night job. Shortly after walking in, my boss came up behind me, whispered "hooorse dicksss" in my ear, and walked off without another word. I am terrified. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2020 02:02

Kids say the darndest things

Today, I asked my 2-year-old if he loved me. His response? “No mama, stop.” FML

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By jmove - United States

One Word: Diabeetus

Today, I carhopped some food, enough to feed 6 people, out to this beat-up car. Inside were two huge ladies, who probably hadn't showered for a few days, sweating away from the hot weather. As I skated to the door, she said, "Hang on a moment," as she gave herself an insulin shot. FML

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By lifesux - South Africa

Today, my mom and I were escorted out of the KFC because my mom tried to mug and pick a fight with another customer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brockton

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about being super heroes. He said I could be "The Period" because I'm a bitch. FML

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By lauren_rox - Canada

Today, I was waiting at home for a phone call. While I was in the bathroom, the phone rang. I quickly stopped my business and ran out of the bathroom with my pants by my ankles. I leaped over the couch, tripping and then stubbing my toe while hopping to the phone. It was a telemarketer. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was on the phone to a guy I really like from work. We'd been talking for about 2 minutes, when he said he was getting another call, and put me on hold. I was so excited to be on the phone with him, it took me a whole 15 minutes to realise he had actually just hung up on me. FML

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By Sean - United States

Today, I went to my insurance company to deal with some paperwork. One of their employees backed into my car before I made it into the building. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2020 02:01

Thanks for the support

Today, I revealed to my parents that I'm planning on opening a food truck in the next few months. They both laughed in my face and said I'll never make any money. I've been working on this for 3 years. FML

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By HappyGirl - France

Today, my little brother, who is 11, explained to me how babies are made. I’m 15. FML

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By sammers27 - United States - Scottsdale

Today, a weird guy in pajama pants and a fake hair-hat kept standing by us at a concert. Everyone talked about what a creep he was. I would have too, but he was my dad. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I figured I'd throw my ex-boyfriend a compliment and told him how "gifted" he was below the belt. He thinks he's paying me a compliment when he tells me how much he loves that little roll of skin that pops up over the top of my pants when I sit down. I'm trying to lose weight, asshole. FML

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By logkitty - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was sitting in my car outside my apartment complex when a man came around the corner holding something shiny, and I thought was a gun. Thinking I was about to get robbed at gun point, I bugged out and threw up. It was a silver watering can. He asked if I was okay. FML

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By AppState - United States

Today, my dad had gotten a new cell phone. So I started to mess around with the cool features on his phone and stumbled upon some pictures he had taken. Next thing I know I'm looking at my mom going down on my dad. FML

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By LonelyOtter

Today, one of my female friends decided she wants a relationship with my ex. I told her I was fine with it because we've been apart for years and have been friends ever since. She then made him chose between being friends with me and having her as a girlfriend. I just lost two of my few friends. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Evanston

Today, at work, I was about to close a big sale, when a coworker rushed over and said there was a call for me in the office. He heavily implied my mom had died, and I rushed out. After I figured out there was no call and that my mom was fine, he'd already stolen my sale and the commission. FML

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By gottapee - United States

Today, I stepped outdoors for a minute. The wind blew the door shut, locking me outside. I've spent the last two hours pounding frantically on the windows, trying to wake my 4 year old son who is inside. I can see him sleeping soundly on the couch. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom asked me what a MILF is. Apparently that's her nickname at work. FML

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By JuggaloSlasher15 - United States

Today, at the pool, a kid no older than 8 was sitting on the diving board, not letting anyone else use it. I went over and tried to reason with him, but he wouldn't listen. My uncle stormed over, said "I got this!" and punted him over the edge. We both got thrown out for "bullying" the kid. FML

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By wifelyduties

Do ya think I'm sexy?

Today, my husband called me to our bedroom, saying he needed help with something. I found him sitting on the bed with his pants down, so I smiled and asked if he was angling for sex, which was fine with me. Nope. He needed me to pop a pimple under his ballsack. FML

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By snowman - United States

Today, my city got almost a foot of snow. When I went out to my car, it was covered in snow with a layer of ice underneath. I went to open the trunk to get the window scraper, when the snow that had collected on the top of my back window slid into my trunk. My laptop was the recipient of most of the snow. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2021 04:59

Nostalgia goggles

Today, I found out my ex broke up with me after 3 years because he's still in love with his ex, who he hasn't spoken to in 6 years. And she dumped him for the same reason. FML

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By Nextman

Today, my coworker, who is constantly singing "Baby Shark," wanted to take selfie for her Instagram account. She moved all the junk from her desk to mine, so her desk would look great in the picture. FML

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By Reggie

Today, it was the first sunny spring day that I had off from work. I spent the morning making a picnic lunch and took my girlfriend to a beautiful spot overlooking the lake. I did not count on a bird flying by with perfect poop aim as soon as we spread out the food. FML

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By wtfdad - United States - Little Silver

Today, my husband and I told my parents I was pregnant with my first child. The only thing my father did was look at my husband and tell him his pull out game was weak. FML

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By ditched?? - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were driving around town in his car. To my surprise he took me out to lunch. As we were leaving, a girl walks up and asks if he had room for one more for a ride, sadly he only has two seats in his car. Guess who had to walk! FML

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By two-hours-to-pick-up - Australia

Today, I was in a fancy department store. I was wearing my travel backpack. I was turning around after paying at the checkout and my backpack hit a metre-tall display covered with necklaces. It went crashing to the floor, hitting another display table laden with jewelry that collapsed under it. FML

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By freezingtodeath - United States

Where's my stuff?

Today, I went into Target's dressing rooms to try some pants on, leaving my full cart outside. An employee thought it had been left there, and took it to put the stuff back. My coat, hat, gloves were in it. I had to walk home. FML

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By volleyballgirl - United States

Today, at my volleyball tournament I was extremely pumped to start playing so I went to take my sweats off and everybody began to stare at me then I looked down to come to realize I had no spandex on, just a thong. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found my 5-year-old son prancing around in high heels and cat ears, wearing a thong as a necklace, and waving a riding crop around like a sword. He'd found the box where granny keeps her special outfits that make granddad extra happy on Friday nights. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I caught my husband once again looking at half naked pictures of a friend of mine on Facebook. When I asked why he did it, he said "I was checking to see if they were still there." FML

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By lifeguard down - United States

Today, while at work I tripped and fell in the pool while moving a waste basket. I nearly drowned and had to be saved. I don't know which is worse the fact that I nearly drowned or the fact that I'm a lifeguard. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after work, I came home to my boyfriend sleeping on the couch. Feeling romantic, I started to undo his pants. My reward was him waking up and kneeing me in the eye. FML

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By daqueen009 - 18/12/2020 17:04 - United States

Laundry Day

Today, I had to do my laundry. Being too lazy to separate them into different colors, or even check the pockets of my jeans, I threw everything I own into one load. Turns out I had left a tin of lip balm in one of my pockets. My whole wardrobe is now covered in spots that won't come out. FML

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By tori210

Today, I was walking out of work. I felt like everyone was staring at me but brushed it off. It wasn't until I got home that I realized I had toilet paper sticking out of my pants. FML

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By warp_routine - United States

Today, I got on an elevator with a woman and her child. I was the first one on. When she stepped on, the capacity alarm went off. As she left she told her daughter that's why fat people shouldn't be allowed in public. I'm 145 lbs. She was twice my size. I got called fat by a hippopotamus. FML

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By Anonymous - Bangladesh

Today, while trying to break up with my girlfriend, I somehow ended up begging her not to break up with me. I'm still not sure how that happened. FML

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By roostergirl - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. As I was leaving his house I hear him shout "Hey! Wait! Sweetie, come back here!". He was talking to his cat who ran out the door behind me. FML

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By Hayley - Canada

Today, I sneezed with so much force while I was driving that I whacked my head on the steering wheel and honked the horn. FML

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By okeythen - United States - Orlando

Today, I heard my husband telling his friend that I used to be a skank and was "easier than 1 plus 1" when we first met. I was still a virgin when we got married. FML

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Top comments

By LikeLegitness | 20

#7526422 - Tuesday 8 August 2017 0:48

It's kind of weird she called you "daddy" even if to keep the joke going. Hopefully your wife didn't take her seriously.

By Randy Newman | 3

#7526436 - Tuesday 8 August 2017 1:04

spank her

COMMENTS

By LikeLegitness | 20

#7526422 - Tuesday 8 August 2017 0:48

It's kind of weird she called you "daddy" even if to keep the joke going. Hopefully your wife didn't take her seriously.

By Randy Newman | 3

#7526436 - Tuesday 8 August 2017 1:04

spank her

Reply

Ashamed_Sister | 60

#7526758 - Tuesday 8 August 2017 7:21

Don't spank her. She might like it.

By jfsiv | 17

#7526444 - Tuesday 8 August 2017 1:08

Sounds like she needs some private counseling in your office later....

By RichardPencil | 30

#7526465 - Tuesday 8 August 2017 1:29

¡Ai, Papi!

Convince your wife it’s the daughter she forgot she had.

By LudA9844 | 11

#7526508 - Tuesday 8 August 2017 2:17

How did that go over

By corky1992 | 33

#7526659 - Tuesday 8 August 2017 5:20

She needs to learn work professionalism. That is so inappropriate.

Reply

sweetbliss3 | 37

#7527414 - Wednesday 9 August 2017 4:22

you sound like the idiots I work with. y'all should hang out sometime.

By tonyfan00 | 38

#7526794 - Tuesday 8 August 2017 8:08

Time to break out the beer and the Advill...

By honestjane | 22

#7527211 - Tuesday 8 August 2017 19:16

Hopefully you married someone with a sense of humor and she got a chuckle out of it as well.

By Georgian_fml | 15

#7527256 - Tuesday 8 August 2017 20:45

boy, that sure is awkward, hope your wife is not too jealous of a type and will understand the joke.

By Jdgreen429 | 13

#7527345 - Tuesday 8 August 2017 23:54

Maybe she wants to join in on the "father daughter time"