Today, while driving home from work an old homeless man stepped...

By Anonymous - 8/10/2009 21:26 - United Kingdom

Today, while driving home from work an old homeless man stepped out on front of my car. As I slammed on the brakes the man threw a bag of poo at my windscreen and shouted "Praise The Lord!" before carrying on as if nothing had happened. FML

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Transportation

Body issues

DINOSAURS!!

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

By NYMTS - 1/7/2011 23:22 - Australia

Today, I had to make a deal with my 22 year old fiancé. What was the deal? If he put deodorant on, he could squeeze my boob for as long as he liked. FML

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By talktothefacecausethehandswanking - 22/6/2013 18:54 - Korea, Republic of - Seoul

Today, my husband decided he would rather rage-wank to my mum's Facebook profile picture than make love to me. FML

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By probably_the_ex_now - 18/8/2009 08:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his family. They were drinking and having fun, so I joined in. I had one too many, got really goofy and then suggested the farting game. "Sorry, I can't hold my liquor!" I quickly explained. My boyfriend's mom shot me a cold look and said, "It's non-alcoholic." FML

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By peniswoman - 14/7/2013 17:03 - United Kingdom - Paisley

Today, my naked boyfriend walked up to me with my towel around his neck and with a hard-on, then declared he was "The Penis Man" and slapped me with his junk. I thought I was dating a man, not a man-child. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2010 05:05 - United States

Today, after getting an expensive haircut, I showed it to my boyfriend. Instead of saying, "Wow, those bangs look great on you" he said, "Wow, you look really good when you don't show your forehead." FML

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By Pancakegirl - 18/6/2009 00:24 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with a friend at IHOP. When I left, a middle aged man in the parking lot offered me $100 to sleep with him in the dumpsters behind the building. That is the first time I've been hit on in months. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/7/2009 08:11 - United States

Today, I was going to surprise my boyfriend at his family birthday celebration with a $2,000 trip he's always wanted, Ireland. Right before my gift, he had opened his mother's gift, an envelope containing a plane ticket. Guess where it was going? FML

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By kipper - 22/7/2019 12:00

Today, I took my 8 year-old daughter to an airplane museum to show her the kinds of aircraft I’ve worked on during my 30+ year career. In the first 15 minutes, I had grease on my new shirt, bumped my head, spilled coffee and cut my hand. Sums up my career. Only 10 more years to go. FML

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By FML.. - 6/4/2009 19:51 - China

Today, I was going to have sex with my Hispanic boyfriend. I wanted to turn him on, so I asked my friend how to say "fuck me" in Spanish. She claimed it was 'pollo frito'. I then had sex, constantly screaming 'pollo frito' for an hour. I later realized I was screaming "fried chicken." FML

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By The Corner Of Death - 12/8/2013 08:17 - United States - Spring

Today, my dog died. In the same kitchen corner that two of my other dogs have died. I have a "Corner Of Death" in my kitchen. FML

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By Mulee - 7/3/2009 12:03 - Belgium

Today, I had to run to catch my train, so I didn't get the chance to buy a ticket. When the conductor was in sight, I saw he was a young man and I opened my top a little, in hopes of not having to pay a fine. When I told him I didn't buy a ticket he said: "Close your top, I'm gay". FML

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By thatssickkk - 17/2/2010 06:40 - United States

Today, my grandmother decided to tell me about her past as a prostitute. In full detail. FML

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By Chubby - 17/11/2011 16:50 - United States

Today, I told my boss about a coworker that had been hitting on me. She looked me dead in the eye and said "I was afraid that would happen. He's a bit of a chubby chaser." FML

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By soontobesingle - 27/3/2013 19:55 - United Kingdom - Sherborne

Today, my husband called me, saying he was in the hospital with a friend who'd just broken his arm. Too bad I then heard a female voice in the background mutter, "She'll never buy that". FML

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By teapotrevolt - 2/3/2015 20:40 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, while laughing at a jogger that fell down while running, I choked on my French fries. They had to give me the Heimlich maneuver. FML

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By FroggyGirl888 - 12/10/2011 03:34 - United States

Today, my roommates thought I wasn't home and started talking about me. Apparently I'm a lesbian, devil worshiper, and an alcoholic. I didn't know my life was so fascinating. FML

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By Heethersays - 3/7/2009 03:06 - United States

Today, I went to the gym to lift weights because my arm muscles are pathetic. In order to use a machine, I needed to pull out a knob to adjust the seat setting. After an embarassing struggle, a worker came over and helped me. Turns out I'm not even strong enough to adjust the seat settings. FML

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By mystermoon - 25/6/2019 16:00

Today, at my job in a pet store, my boss had me pull all the bags of food out and restock them so that they sat pretty. Five minutes later, the store is full of people. My manager screamed, "They're touching things!" and locked himself in the office with a cup of tea. He has the only open register. FML

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By deranged - 25/5/2017 19:00 - Ukraine - Pirogov

Today, my girlfriend and I went to the bank to get her new ATM card. As the bank teller gave her the card, he said that the PIN remained the same. Indignant, she cried out, "How do you possibly know my PIN code?" She's 27. FML

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By notababymama - 7/2/2010 17:41 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years saw baby wipes in my bathroom and assumed I had a kid. He broke up with me. I use baby wipes to take off my makeup. FML

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By BYUwildchild - 17/12/2010 16:23 - United States

Today, I realized that the fish-shaped birth mark on the back of my leg, that I have had all my life, is not really shaped like a fish as I had originally thought. It looks just like a penis. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2019 14:00

Not so ready to rumble

Today, my pro wrestling training class had come to a close and I was gathering my things outside of the ring. One of my fellow trainees got out of the ring on the side where there was nothing but giant stage lights. He knocked them over onto me, giving me my first pro wrestling injury. I’d always thought that would happen in the ring. FML

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By SeaSick - 15/2/2010 05:03 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went on a 1 day cruise to the Bahamas. It happened to be on the same day of the worst sailing conditions. We spent 6 hours throwing up together. Him into the sink, and me into the toilet. We spent $200 to see the inside of our cabin's bathroom. FML

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By - 6/2/2020 18:00

Yes or No?

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said yes, but the ring turned out to be quite tight on her finger. She then chewed me out, saying that I can't do anything right, then changed her answer to no. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/6/2019 20:30

Today, I was on my way to work. Out of nowhere, my period started. Due to allergies, I had uncontrollable sneezes. Now, I have blood all over my pants. FML

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By OiVey - 1/11/2017 18:30 - United States - Padre Island Ntl Seashor

Today, I found out that I've been taking the wrong math class all semester. We're only a few weeks from finals and I have no drops left. FML

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By ray - 17/11/2011 11:22 - United States

Today, I learned how hard it is to remove peanut butter from your own eye. FML

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By theboy6494 - 10/8/2009 20:47 - United States

Today, I came home early from business trip in Paris, I bought an engagement ring. I was going to take my girlfriend of 2 years out and propose to her. I sneak into my house as a surprise and she's having it off with another man. Now I have a ring that I can only return in France. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2012 02:07 - United States - Southfield

Today, my fully grown, 90-pound German Shepherd sniffed and wagged his tail as a guy mugged me. FML

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By demk - 20/8/2009 14:51 - United States

Today, my husband and I were in bed, and just as I was about to finish he screamed, "Oh shit! It's 4:15, my strawberries are gonna whither!!!!" and then jumped off me and went to check on his farm on FarmVille. An imaginary farm, on Facebook. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2019 20:00

Pills, thrills and bellyaches

Today, I came home from surgery to remove my tonsils. It's a much better surgery to have as a kid, because when you get older it's much more painful. I didn't know my mom liked pain killers. I do now, because I have none left and I haven't even taken any yet. FML

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By fuckthisandfuckthatandfuckyoutoo - 28/7/2013 16:23 - United States

Today, I was preparing a customer's meal in my restaurant's kitchen, when I choked on my own saliva and went into a coughing fit. The head chef, who's always hated my guts, accused me of trying to hock a loogie into the meal and fired me on the spot. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/7/2012 21:13 - France

Today, I paid a social visit to my grandparents. While we were watching the news, a story came on about the Queen of England. I scoffed, "How is she not dead already? How old is she, anyway?" My grandmother replied, "About my age." Oops. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2011 05:26 - United States

Today, my girlfriend woke up in the middle of the night, crying. When I asked her why, she said that she had a dream where we were getting married. FML

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By sarahcurtis213 - 13/11/2012 07:36 - United States

Today, I was at the library using a computer to order a package. A man sat down next to me mumbling to himself while staring at me. As I got up to go to the printer, he pointed at me and screamed, "I will burn you alive and enjoy it!" All of my info including my address was still on the computer screen. FML

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By piliseep - 1/12/2017 09:00 - United States - Apex

Good Meowrning!

Today, at 6 am, I was suddenly jerked from the warm embraces of sleep by the smell of poo. I was very groggy and confused when my hand landed in something wet and cold. I turned on the light and was horrified to find that my kitten took a huge dump in my bed. It was everywhere. FML

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By dinapar - 14/7/2009 14:02 - Canada

Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend watching a movie, my boyfriend then leans in and says: "You know, you're my favourite girlfriend." I then jokingly responded by saying: "You say that like I'm not the only girlfriend you have right now." I hate being right. FML

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By blaahh - 19/2/2011 01:35 - United States

Today, I was asked out by a guy I've liked since the beginning of the year. All I could say was, "I have to pee", and ran into the men's bathroom. FML

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By nicbear - 15/6/2017 04:00

Today, I was fired from my job over a coupon a coworker offered me for bonus reward points. Apparently, it wasn't one I was entitled to. I never even looked at the coupon and assumed it was fine since they offered it to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2012 08:47 - United States - Kent

Today, while at my cosmetics job, an elderly lady came up to me asking for a product. I told her we had a smaller size and a larger size for a better deal. She told me she wanted the smaller size because she'd "probably be dead" before she finished that one. I laughed. She was serious. FML

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Top comments

By crumsnatcha | 4

#611135 - Friday 9 October 2009 2:00

At least you weren't riding a motorcycle.

By MoonyIce | 0

#611118 - Friday 9 October 2009 1:55

Aaaand that. That there is one of the funniest things I've read all damn day. Thank you.

Comments

By enders98 | 0

#611099 - Friday 9 October 2009 1:49

I am not first!

dcait_1196 | 0

#611104 - Friday 9 October 2009 1:50

That is such a touching story *tear rolls down cheek* Bravo, bravo young fellow.

redbluegreen | 40

#611108 - Friday 9 October 2009 1:51

Exactly. The OP came first.

We'll never win.

godsrightnutsack | 0

#611150 - Friday 9 October 2009 2:08

haha...wtf?

FarSide | 22

#611199 - Friday 9 October 2009 2:47

I want to know why you looked in the bag.

Pandasaur | 0

#611208 - Friday 9 October 2009 2:54

The crap probably came out of the bag.

Ducki3 | 0

#611258 - Friday 9 October 2009 3:27

o wow! u don't say... of course it came out of the bag!

Pandasaur | 0

#611308 - Friday 9 October 2009 4:06

Someone was asking why OP looked into the bag. I was just saying that since the crap probably came out of the bag, OP didn't need to look in it.

Read before you're randomly rude. Thanks. :]

jackkerouc9 | 0

#611451 - Friday 9 October 2009 6:08

what if it was a clear bag?

and leave it to evangelics to go the extra mile and spew actual crap along with the rest of the horseshit they are selling.

Nex_Iuguolo | 0

#611504 - Friday 9 October 2009 7:34

That's Christians for you.

emilysanftwsom | 0

#611542 - Friday 9 October 2009 8:25

That's a generalisation, not all Christians are douches. I'm a Christian and know many other Christians, who are not douches. Think before you're religiously intolerant =)

teamhat | 0

#611902 - Friday 9 October 2009 15:45

the guy above me ,#98, is right. not all Christians are homeless hobos who throw their crap at people's cars.

SpaztastiC4 | 0

#611976 - Friday 9 October 2009 16:28

yes, but if you're christian its not poop, its concentrated evil

Reyo | 2

#612462 - Friday 9 October 2009 22:49

And you didn't put it in park, get out of the car, and kick his ass?

ryguy997 | 0

#992762 - Friday 14 May 2010 4:52

holy crap (no pun intended) that's funny

baby_gore | 0

#2499980 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:52

hum I think that's a chick..? idk

Justine94_x | 31

#2947640 - Friday 22 July 2011 1:40

This is one of the few fmls that actually made me laugh.:')

heyitsdiamond | 5

#3411474 - Monday 10 October 2011 5:06

Um ya you are

By plexico | 3

#611101 - Friday 9 October 2009 1:50

Holy shit!

fmljw | 2

#611110 - Friday 9 October 2009 1:52

hahahahaha

Pandasaur | 0

#611114 - Friday 9 October 2009 1:54

He's homeless! He has to go somewhere. Not sure why he'd save it, but to each his own, I suppose...

(Aw, sorry, the site's being weird. There was totally a different comment here a second ago. I swear I'm not crazy and irrelevant.)