Miscellaneous: Today, I was in a parking lot looking for a spot, and after driving...

By jackpot - 09/05/2011 01:53 - Venezuela

Today, I was in a parking lot looking for a spot, and after driving around for a long while I finally found one. A homeless man was taking a shit on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 410

You deserved it 3 008

Miscellaneous

Stop talking!

Good kid

This Charming Man

By irishbabycakes - 25/01/2010 10:27 - United States

Today, I went to my step-sister's for family dinner. Her husband was really drunk and openly hit on me in front of most of my family. I nonchalantly ignored his advances. Later, my step-mom said it would not have happened if I didn't dress like a skank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 233

You deserved it 5 938

Busted

By katara - 02/07/2010 23:53 - United States

Today, I was relaxing on the couch after a long day with my annoying aunt when I heard my sister come in from the garage. I loudly asked, "Do you think Aunt Stacy knows everybody doesn't like her?" It wasn't my sister. It was my aunt returning my purse I had left in her car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 978

You deserved it 57 381

By Anonymous - 27/10/2010 18:57 - United States

Today, I decided to put on my Halloween make-up to be sure that I could and that it would look nice. I was satisfied with my results, and went to wash it off. Everything came off fine, except for the eye liner and eye shadow. It's bright purple. I'm a man. Halloween isn't until Sunday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 907

You deserved it 31 163

By Anonymous - 23/12/2016 19:12

Today, my sister gave me a early Christmas present. It's lice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 501

You deserved it 494

By MrDisgrace - 17/09/2017 13:00

Today, my mom bitched me out in front of my friends because I had my first kiss at "such a young age". She's 15 years older than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 475

You deserved it 350

By bob - 11/08/2011 12:56 - United States

Today, no matter how much I begged, my friend who'd locked himself away with my iPhone wouldn't stop taking pics of his penis and forwarding them to my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 869

You deserved it 5 451

By Xbieblette51 - 19/08/2014 22:30 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I called my boyfriend to let him know that I'm pregnant. He instantly replied "Bullshit!", then hung up and apparently skipped town. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 772

You deserved it 6 927

By anonymous - 05/07/2011 04:32 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex in the janitor's closet of the pet store where I work. We were really getting into it when we were rudely interrupted by dozens of salamanders crawling up our legs. I had forgotten to lock the cage before we started. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 667

You deserved it 73 709

By Mary - 10/07/2011 12:49 - United States

Today, my husband decided he needs to be thanked after every time he changes our daughter's diaper; if not he throws a temper tantrum. Now I have two babies to deal with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 256

You deserved it 6 787

By Anonymous - 07/01/2015 01:26 - United States - Washington

Today, I spent an hour in a snowstorm waiting for my bus to show up. After I got fed up, I decided to just clean off my car and drive to work. After I was halfway finished swiping off the snow and ice stuck to my car, the bus drove right past me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 403

You deserved it 4 378

By EverettA - 11/09/2015 13:50 - United States - Lewis Center

Today, my "friends" pulled an elaborate prank on me. First, they changed my ringtone to a recording of someone saying "Allahu Akbar" on repeat. Then, they called me as we had a moment of silence in honor of the 9/11 victims. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 049

You deserved it 2 980

By Anonymous - 01/06/2012 07:02 - United States

Today, Child Protective Services came to my house, because my 7-year-old son told people at school that he was uncomfortable sleeping in his uncle's bed. I had to explain to them that the uncle in question died 2 years ago, and that's why it felt weird. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 325

You deserved it 2 774

By Etta - 04/03/2017 22:00 - United States

Today, I stayed home from work, feeling ill. Come lunch time, I made myself some ramen noodles, thinking that the broth would feel good on my throat. Too bad I sneezed while carrying the bowl, dumping the boiling hot broth all down my front. The skin on my boob peeled away like tissue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 432

You deserved it 561

By GrahamCracker - 21/05/2009 05:36 - United States

Today, I was taking a final exam and I reached into my pocket to get out a pencil. I felt this thing in my pocket so I got it out and put it on the desk. At first I thought it was a leaf but then it started kicking and trying to run around. It was a cockroach. It had been living in my pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 590

You deserved it 8 907

By Tampax - 30/09/2014 18:46 - Spain - Cuenca

Today, my hand was stung by a wasp. It has resulted in all my fingers being swollen and therefore much bigger than usual. I'm getting married tomorrow and there's no way I can get the ring on my finger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 215

You deserved it 3 181

By OrangeTree12 - 04/04/2009 06:05 - Canada

Today, a really cute guy sat across from me on the bus. He smiled at me, then tensed his muscles and lifted a heavy bag with one arm. Thinking he was trying to act "macho" to impress me, I rolled my eyes and threw him an annoyed/disgusted look. When he got off, I realized he only had one arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 162

You deserved it 83 553

Ace in the hole

By IHaveThePower - 19/11/2021 11:00 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I found out the test for a yeast infection is a vaginal exam. I've never had a deeper understanding of my own asexuality than in the moment a stranger, with another stranger as a chaperone, was poking at my intimate parts while I couldn't see what was going on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 903

You deserved it 196

By Anonymous - 26/01/2011 14:41 - United States

Today, I was denied food stamp assistance. Apparently, you need to work 20 hours a week while being a full time student to qualify or have a work study. I was recently suspended from my work study for calling off because my aunt died, and if I worked 20 hours a week, why would I need food stamps? FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 075

You deserved it 5 850

Smoothie with a kick

By Anonymous - 02/07/2021 02:01 - Germany

Today, I made myself a smoothie with fruits and wild greens, which tasted much better than it looked, so I licked the splashes off the blender’s lid. Including a stray leaf that didn’t get blended. Which turned out to be stinging nettle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 332

You deserved it 781

By Mintilou - 08/04/2016 03:17 - United Kingdom - Wednesbury

Today, like everyday, I got on the train heading back from my university campus in Preston. Usually, it takes 20 minutes. When I sat down, I realised it was a non-stop service to Glasgow and the doors had closed. It took me 7 hours by train and a lift from my best friend at 2 a.m. to get home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 030

You deserved it 4 467

By d0pey - 20/02/2009 22:02 - United States

Today, I realized that there are more framed pictures of my mom's dog than pictures of me around the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 818

You deserved it 3 430

Scary

By Adan - 04/12/2012 21:34 - United States - Monroe

Today, my boss was telling everyone that he knew a guy who went to a college at which multiple people were shot and killed recently. Being extremely socially awkward and uncomfortable, I blurted, "That's awesome." Now everyone in the office is terrified of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 654

You deserved it 25 144

By thatisnotcool45 - 09/12/2011 05:22 - Canada

Today, I got to say, "My best friend hooked up with my step-sister's grandma's aunt" and be correct. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 054

You deserved it 2 698

By crazytown62 - 14/02/2012 15:32 - United States

Today, it appears that it's Single Loser Awareness Day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 292

You deserved it 6 533

By Don't text and work - 23/06/2009 05:04 - France

Today, at work I got told off by my manager for texting while working. Enraged by this, I trash talked her to the new girl at work. The new girl, a.k.a. my manager's daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 137

You deserved it 68 735

By Anonymous - 23/07/2019 20:00

Today, at work, we ran out of receipt paper. Someone paid for $3 in gas and asked for a receipt. I explained that the company we order our paper from sent us toilet paper, not receipt paper. He got mad and said that he was never coming back. Twenty minutes later, he was back to get $3 more in gas, wanting a receipt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 733

You deserved it 118

By Kit2019 - 23/07/2019 12:00 - United States

Today, I got overly excited because someone texted me, but then realized that moments before, I had sent myself a message. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 293

You deserved it 384

By unlucky - 29/03/2014 23:06 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, I dislocated my shoulder. My doctor failed to fix it, but did succeed in practically dislocating the other one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 709

You deserved it 3 378

By bern5555 - 13/01/2010 05:29 - United States

Today, I was working with the kid I babysit for. We were out and he complained that he was hungry. I spent my very last $2 on chicken nuggets for him and a coffee for myself. Just as I sat down, he knocked over my coffee, spilling it into his chicken nuggets. Then he cried for over an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 429

You deserved it 3 254

By Anonymous - 23/04/2016 02:22 - United States - Lawrenceville

Today, my boyfriend wrote me a love letter saying about how much he cares for me, how he'd die for me and how he wants to spend his life with me. What really took my breath away was the confession at the end about how he "accidentally" cheated on me with my best friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 043

You deserved it 1 584

By Ally - 27/09/2015 01:47 - Canada - Etobicoke

Today, I wrote a song for my boyfriend on paper. The first thing he did was correct my grammar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 972

You deserved it 8 435

By Anonymous - 05/12/2010 00:54 - United States

Today, I lost my job. I was so upset that I put in my favorite mix CD of all the songs that get me feeling better. While scanning for my favorite song, I hit the car in front of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 155

You deserved it 37 128

By swimfaned - 09/01/2015 11:43 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she's afraid of my ex-wife. This is the third one in a row to use that very reason. The judge still won't accept my pleas for a restraining order. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 156

You deserved it 2 687

By HughGorgy - 20/03/2009 05:37 - Canada

Today, after sex with my girlfriend, I thought it would be sexy to wear her underwear until we saw each other again. I found a pair in her bathroom, but they definitely weren't her sexy ones. Her mom walked in on me to collect the laundry and screeched "What are you doing with my panties!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 343

You deserved it 102 911

Oh, hai Mark!

By Bribri - 18/11/2009 05:23 - United States

Today, my mom's "hobby" of rescuing homeless people became very real. We now have 3 more people living in our house, and none of them have a sense of personal space. I wake up to their faces in my windows. Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 811

You deserved it 2 454

By Username - 05/08/2011 19:06 - United States

Today, even though I made the point of tanning naked, I still got tan lines thanks to my fat rolls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 048

You deserved it 45 351

By Sir Vom-a-lot - 14/06/2012 16:28 - United Kingdom - West Drayton

Today, my girlfriend and I got to the stage in our relationship where she thinks its okay to change her tampon whilst I brush my teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 581

You deserved it 6 571

By tiffany - 18/09/2012 18:24 - Canada

Today, after having lost 11 pounds following my pregnancy, I felt sexy and put on a cute outfit for my husband. When he walked into the bedroom, he ended up passing me three times, and then went to bed without a word. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 284

You deserved it 2 899

By KayleeXLoVe21 - 03/11/2011 23:48 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. The lights kept on going on and off. Why? The lights are activated by "clap on, clap off." It killed the mood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 829

You deserved it 9 701

By Anonymous - 25/11/2018 13:00 - United States - Seattle

Today, I had a job interview. I got there as quick as I could, having to travel 2 hours into a city I'd never been to. When I arrived, they told me I was turned down for being too late. They'd rescheduled the interview an hour earlier and I wasn't notified of the change. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 598

You deserved it 186

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Top comments

soiheardyoufaile 4

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Monday 9 May 2011 8:36

Ah that's just him claiming the spot, better luck next time!

hockeyrocks39 0

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Monday 9 May 2011 8:54

Did you wait? Maybe he picks up after himself. He might have had some hobo shit bags, kind of like the dog baggies and cleaned it right up for your pretty little car.

soiheardyoufaile 4

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Monday 9 May 2011 8:36

Ah that's just him claiming the spot, better luck next time!

i_love_grrr 0

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Monday 9 May 2011 8:38

it would probably be easier to claim if he peed on it lol

theuns 8

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Monday 9 May 2011 9:31

#20 win

VorpikeII 17

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Monday 9 May 2011 13:26

ya seriously, what's with all the homeless people shitting FML's lately?

j_cat187 19

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Monday 9 May 2011 15:40

at least he wasent taking a shit threw ur moonroof

zojieeu 6

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Monday 9 May 2011 19:01

was he having a hard time of getting the shit out of his ass?

FunwithBumperCar 0

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Monday 9 May 2011 21:40

That's how i claim my parking spots in the city, works every time

FarSide 22

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Monday 9 May 2011 21:43

...And you were expecting... dog shit?? Come on people. What is a little shit on asphalt? As long as we don't all shit in the same shit spot, there will be enough spots to go around. By then, it will rain and we can start all over again. I ask you FMYlifers: ARE WE TAKING OURSELVES TOO SERIOUSLY???

adrianblackett 0

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Tuesday 10 May 2011 0:24

arrite farside dats enough outta u

m0tl3ycru3 0

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Monday 9 May 2011 8:38

better than nothing

_Itz_Meena_ 0

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Monday 9 May 2011 9:25

exactly what I was thinking.

Zhu8 5

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Monday 9 May 2011 16:50

well you obviously don't care for/have a nice car.

_Itz_Meena_ 0

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Tuesday 10 May 2011 9:39

well obviously you don't realize the only part of the car it would get on is the wheels and you can wash them. so there's no point in being worried about your car. stepping in it is what Op should be worried about lol.

ciarafox9 9

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Monday 9 May 2011 8:39

wow now that's a crappy situation!

m0tl3ycru3 0

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Monday 9 May 2011 8:46

please enough with the awful puns they're way too overused

pinkp909 8

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Monday 9 May 2011 8:48

ahahaha that's punny.

malpalll 0

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Monday 9 May 2011 9:31

I literally just commented on another FML saying how fucking stupid this pun has gotten.

poy2x 0

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Monday 9 May 2011 9:49

shit happens

dgr8ing 0

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Monday 9 May 2011 9:59

ha!

VorpikeII 17

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Monday 9 May 2011 13:29

im gonna try a never used before pun so people stop using the other bad ones. it's a SHITuation!!!!

Barney_Rubble_75 0

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Monday 9 May 2011 8:40

that's what your horn and accelerator are for.

fluffyrocka 0

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Monday 9 May 2011 12:09

If it was steaming I suggest you not park there

Frelling 0

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Monday 9 May 2011 15:52

If you plant the accelerator too hard you might leave skid marks.

PSQ91 6

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Monday 9 May 2011 8:42

That's when you get crazy and hit this guy with a baseball bat. I know I would have.

PSQ91 6

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Tuesday 10 May 2011 8:43

oh yeeah.

BahahahLOL 0

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Monday 9 May 2011 8:42

This one time I saw an old dude park in the cart-return thing.

atomicbaboon 0

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Monday 9 May 2011 9:33

damn old people. the world would be so much better without them.

cudi504 4

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Tuesday 10 May 2011 5:38

yea we should take out old people when theyre born

shortie916 0

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Monday 9 May 2011 8:44

Don't slip haha :)

pinkp909 8

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Monday 9 May 2011 8:44

yummy;) but seriously. no one likes hobos.. run him over.

RileyL29 0

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Monday 9 May 2011 10:33

Rude.

Frelling 0

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Monday 9 May 2011 15:53

Or ass to mouth for a dollar.

Got_any_grapes1 4

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Tuesday 10 May 2011 5:17

Ikr! But like, everyone loves snobby bitches like you. And they're so stupid, because it's obvious that's where they chose to live.

pinkp909 8

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Tuesday 10 May 2011 7:08

oh. my gosh. OBVIOUSLY I was kidding.

LilTiki559 13

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Wednesday 11 May 2011 10:41

yeaah 89, people on FML clearly have no common sense these days..I miss the OLD FML site..the good old days.

forever2life 0

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Friday 27 May 2011 4:17

lol

Livinia 11

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Monday 9 May 2011 8:49

Well keep driving. Can't a guy do a shit in privacy anymore?

cptmorgan15 2

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Monday 9 May 2011 14:08

No shit! OP was probably just sitting there waiting, pissing off the bum cause he was just trying to take his morning glory. No respect.

hockeyrocks39 0

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Monday 9 May 2011 8:54

Did you wait? Maybe he picks up after himself. He might have had some hobo shit bags, kind of like the dog baggies and cleaned it right up for your pretty little car.