Today, my dad took my phone away because I "had to be texting...

By Animeislyfe - 25/8/2015 02:56 - United States - Stockbridge

Today, my dad took my phone away because I "had to be texting while driving in order to wreck my car." I was too ashamed to tell him that a huge bug flew into my face causing me to veer off the road and into a brick mailbox. FML

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Transportation

Out of it

Deep-seated resentment

Mr Sensitivity

By Ouch - 25/4/2011 19:31 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting intimate and planning on having sex for the first time. I picked her up off the couch, and in so doing, accidentally lifted her too high, putting her head through the ceiling. She had a mild concussion. FML

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By MrZhang - 23/6/2009 03:34 - Australia

Today, I had an interview with IBM. For a week I did extensive research and preparation for the interview. At first the interview was going really well. I was hitting all the marks. Then just as a final casual question she asked with a smile "What does IBM stand for?". I didn't know. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/6/2009 21:33 - Canada

Today, I was taking a bath and out of boredom started making sheep noises. I then had a conversation with myself in farm animal noises. When I got out of the bath, I walked to my bedroom in my towel, passing the living room... where my little brother's soccer team burst out laughing. FML

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By dirtyhands - 18/2/2009 23:01 - United States

Today, I was masturbating on my inflatable air mattress that squeaks when you move. Suddenly, my mom busted in my room to ask if I'm okay because she thought the squeaking was my crying. I ripped my hands from my pants and turned on my side; she walked over and grabbed my hands to console me. FML

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By helen - 10/5/2011 03:44

Today, I realized that I give the computer screen a thumbs up whenever I see something cool. I work on computers in front of people all day. FML

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By NinjaWafflesx - 15/12/2011 15:20 - United States

Today, my mother hacked my Facebook and broke up with my boyfriend and pretended to be me. She told him if he ever talks to me again, she'll call the cops. FML

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By latter - 24/9/2013 00:05 - United States - Middle River

Today, I had to explain to my brother why it's not OK to stick his knob in the toaster. FML

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By mylifeblows - 19/8/2010 06:15 - United States

Today, I found out my husband put a parental block on the TV so I couldn't rent a movie. I'm 42. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2011 20:49 - United States

Today, I got a letter of complaint from my landlord. It said my loud, obnoxious trampling is disturbing my downstairs neighbor, and I have to stop. I'm small and hardly weigh anything, but it seems that if I want to keep my lease, I'll have to master the art of levitating. FML

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By CrapDay - 18/1/2017 22:00

Today, I woke up early in the morning when it was still dark to go off to work. I saw what looked like a piece of slime that my children would play with and went to pick it up. Nope. Turns out it was puppy shit. Wet, slimy puppy waste. FML

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By HeIsKindaRightTho - 16/9/2014 04:31 - United States - Houghton

Today, I video-chatted with my mom and showed her my new, very short haircut. My dad walked in, took one look at me and said, "I can only attribute this to penis envy," and walked out again. FML

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By LonnyLonnikins - 9/4/2009 05:07 - Canada

Today, I went to pick up my sister's wedding cake. It was a nice day, the shop was close, and the cake wasn't too big so I walked. On my way back, I stepped aside for a kid on a bike, tripped over my shoelaces, and dumped my sister's expensive, custom-designed cake. The wedding is tomorrow. FML

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By Brenden - 14/5/2013 23:52 - United States - Massillon

Today, my new neighbor moved in. Because she was fairly young, I offered to mow her grass whenever it needed cut. Her dad then tried to start a fight with me because he thought it was sexual come-on. FML

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By whoopsboutthecap - 15/11/2011 12:51 - United States

Today, my mom called me crazy and told me she wanted to put me in a mental hospital. She did this after repeatedly hitting me with a shoe. Why? Because I forgot to put the cap back on the toothpaste. FML

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By Username - 6/7/2011 02:54 - United States

Today, my mom tried to sell me a bag of rice, with "Cocaine" written on the side of it in sharpie pen. In exchange for my soul. FML

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By edwinduarte1 - 13/9/2010 06:49 - France

Today, I noticed that the walls of my apartment are ridiculously thin, when I heard my neighbor slowly walk up the stairs, slam the bathroom door, lift the toilet cover, take a pee and end with a nice "AAHH." FML

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By phonebaby - 18/11/2014 01:04 - United States - Stamford

Today, my friend asked me to order take out for him because he gets nervous on phones. I called a chinese restaurant, only to get nervous and hang up. FML

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By .... - 17/4/2009 16:49 - United States

Today, I locked my keys in my car. After spending 20 minutes on the phone with AAA, and then waiting a half hour, the guy showed up, he stuck his hand in the drivers side window and asked, "You couldn't just reach in?" I forgot I left the window open. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2016 10:05

Today, my girlfriend contacted me. She said she'd thought over her feelings over our temporary break in the relationship, and she wanted to try again. Being my stupid, self-loathing self, I asked her so many questions on if she was sure or not that she went back into doubt and revoked the offer. FML

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By grubbieduc - 6/10/2011 04:40 - United States

Today, my husband gave my cellphone number to his most obnoxious, creepiest friend. I've been drunken-dialed five times already. FML

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By unbirthday - 18/7/2011 18:05 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. I came downstairs to a cake that said "Happy 8th Birthday Bella!" My name is Sarah and I'm 16. Bella is our dog whose birthday is next month. FML

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By Silverfeathery - 14/11/2016 11:19 - United States - Lewiston

Today, I was making out with a guy in his car, when we decided we needed a minute of fresh air. We stepped out, only to completely lock ourselves out, with our phones and the keys inside. We had to smash a window. FML

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By not getting any - 31/3/2020 08:00

Weeks?

Today, I’m allergic to all forms of hormonal birth control, and due to the virus outbreak, I can’t get my implant replaced. We’re in quarantine, and my boyfriend and I just used our last condom. It’s going to be a long couple of weeks. FML

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By it's sharty time :/ - 2/7/2016 18:45 - United States - Bismarck

Today, during an 8 hour shift at a very busy bowling alley, I found out I can't trust a fart anymore. I'm only 25. Now I have to finish my shift commando, and also get rid of the evidence without anyone noticing. FML

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By fuckedbyretail - 2/2/2013 14:53 - United States - Charlotte

Today, at my retail job, a woman came to my till with her purchases. After I scanned all her items, she handed me two small bags. One was filled with nickels and dimes. The other was filled with cents. Her total was $28.53. The coins amounted to $22.30. FML

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By yen - 7/10/2018 22:00

Today, I was talking to my sister about how I need to buy gifts from Santa for my daughter, when my son asked why I would be buying them instead of letting Santa bring them. My son genuinely still believed in Santa. He’s 22 years old. FML

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By bonedregardless - 15/9/2009 23:39 - United States

Today, at my cashier job, I got written up for accepting obviously photocopied coupons. Last week, I got written up for "inadequate customer service" because I refused to accept the same bogus coupons from the same customer. FML

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By ew - 3/11/2015 15:43 - United States - Pickens

Today, my dad got dressed up in formal clothes, and I asked what the occasion was. He said he had a hot date, which would've been fine if he hadn't told me what was "on the menu", namely "wining, dining, sixty-nining". Thanks for that image. FML

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By Eli - 20/9/2011 00:21 - Canada

Today, I had a violent allergic reaction to some bread I ate at a restaurant. How did they apologize? By sending me a free basket of bread. FML

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By cloudish - 21/5/2017 12:00 - Germany

Today, I finally had the guts to tell my best friend that I like him more than just as a friend. I was about to tell him when he excitedly told me that he met the love of his life yesterday. FML

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By cookiecrust - 7/12/2009 14:44 - Singapore

Today, I found out from my mom that the sweet smelling shampoo she bought recently belongs to Tammi. I've been using it for a week now. The chocolate drops I ate yesterday are also hers. Tammi is our pet Chihuahua. FML

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By Heavybreather - 13/2/2017 12:00 - United States - Athens

Today, after climbing 5 flights of stairs I walked into the restroom to take a piss. I was winded but trying to keep my heavy breathing to a minimum. My plan failed when I almost fainted inbetween two guys at the urinal and started gasping for air. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2011 05:19 - Australia

Today, I finally found out whether or not my boyfriend is cheating on me. Turns out he isn't. He is cheating on his wife, with me. FML

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By DeadBroke - 7/1/2010 05:01 - United States

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years because I was tired of his childishness and anger, so he decided to send me 540 random text messages of scrambled letters in order to mess up my phone as well, as make me pay 20 cents for each message. FML

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By spiderinmylips - 24/6/2009 20:19 - United States

Today, I was laying out in my backyard trying to get some color, when I felt a little tickle on my lips. I rubbed them together to satisfy the itch, when I felt a sort of crunchish popping between them. I had crushed a spider between my lips and its legs were still moving. FML

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By Mith - 4/2/2009 10:56 - Poland

Today, in biology class, I kept seeing a fly mosquito buzzing past my face and I kept trying to swat at it... only to realize that it was a ceiling sprinkler that was about 10 feet away. I have no depth perception. FML

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By GasAttack - 7/9/2009 13:32 - Canada

Today, I was taking a shower. I heard my boyfriend come into the bathroom, brush his teeth and take off his clothes. He joined me in the shower and instead of doing something loving or sexy, he let out a huge fart into his hand and threw it into my face. FML

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By anonymous - 26/5/2016 00:34 - United States - Rio Rancho

Today, I went to a trampoline park and jumped into an adult-area foam pit that apparently used to be for children. I guess it never occurred to them to change the depth of it, as I now have a fractured ankle. FML

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By yashmoshin1 - 17/6/2009 14:06 - United States

Today, I finished the run for a play in which I played a gay man. Now that all the performances are over, I have kissed a man more times in my life than I have kissed a woman. I'm straight. FML

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By pipers - 2/5/2019 10:00 - United States - Northfield

Today, I spent several hundred dollars having our pipes and septic system fixed. Tonight, I watched my husband pour about a half-liter of bacon grease into the sink. Better keep the septic guy on speed dial. FML

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Top comments

By MaximumBeat | 16

#6392473 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 18:55

There was really nothing to be ashamed about OP, we all make mistakes and you should be honest about it:).

By CliffyB03 | 28

#6392463 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 18:52

I'd rather say that than give in to stereotypes

COMMENTS

By CliffyB03 | 28

#6392463 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 18:52

I'd rather say that than give in to stereotypes

By Wizardo | 33

#6392464 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 18:53

Jiminy cricket, that's a real bugger!

kaylae22 | 13

#6392584 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 20:47

What did jiminy do to you?

Noahray98 | 8

#6393067 - Wednesday 26 August 2015 5:14

You try too hard

Ben12345_fml | 18

#6393245 - Wednesday 26 August 2015 8:40

Just, no

By jaspinkgrl01 | 18

#6392465 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 18:53

Well that's a buzz kill

By MaximumBeat | 16

#6392473 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 18:55

There was really nothing to be ashamed about OP, we all make mistakes and you should be honest about it:).

By RenoTheRhino | 30

#6392474 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 18:55

Dragonfly of Death.

By bandaidstations | 28

#6392476 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 18:59

YDI Everyone gets started by bugs sometimes. It's just a natural reaction. Tell him the truth because I'd think you were a complete idiot for texting and driving.

slavka012 | 11

#6393841 - Wednesday 26 August 2015 21:30

Really? If bugs can cause you make an accident, you should not be driving

RenoTheRhino | 30

#6394538 - Thursday 27 August 2015 13:50

50, but what about a Dragonfly of Death. What if this dragonfly was hell bent on getting inside your left eye socket? What if it flew right into your ear and started puking out its insides? Or perhaps, it was a Horsefly of Hell.

By keiNan_fml | 35

#6392484 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 19:09

let's just be real.

By naimejeary | 16

#6392485 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 19:10

The truth shall set your phone free OP

By ukeandfoodislife | 19

#6392501 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 19:23

Honestly, bugs are disgusting and I don't blame you. That's not even that embarrassing, compared to ways my friends have gotten into accidents. Be honest and tell him the truth(:

By aneff0592 | 13

#6392514 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 19:30

I really don't see how that is too embarrassing to tell the truth. I've had to pull over on a highway and get out of my car running around like a crazy person thanks to a black widow dropping down on my lap before. Shit happens

chuchusheep | 19

#6392559 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 20:03

well i think that when someone didn't freak the fuck out with a black widow on their lap, that would be cause for worry. i bet that was awful to say the least.