Today, my dad took my phone away because I "had to be texting...

By Animeislyfe - 25/8/2015 02:56 - United States - Stockbridge

Today, my dad took my phone away because I "had to be texting while driving in order to wreck my car." I was too ashamed to tell him that a huge bug flew into my face causing me to veer off the road and into a brick mailbox. FML

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Transportation

Double standards

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Assumptions

By sweetie808 - 28/1/2016 08:39 - United States - Kailua Kona

Today, around 12 a.m., my pet parrot said a sentence I've never heard him say before. Usually this would be exciting, but considering he said, 'I killed the bird', and that one of my two love birds mysteriously died a few days ago, it's safe to say I'm now terrified. FML

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By alopez1994 - 21/4/2011 05:28

Today, I noticed this guy crying in the park. I went up to him to see what was wrong. Apparently his girlfriend broke up with him, and he also said he wanted to kill himself. My first response was "Don't, you'll regret it later in life". FML

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By Ginna - 29/10/2010 18:29 - Canada

Today, my dad planted and "discovered" a pack of cigarettes in my backpack to distract my mom from his gambling problem. FML

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By Baggabbles123 - 8/6/2009 23:24 - Canada

Today, I was camping. Me and this really cute girl were hitting it off real nice. It was the last night so we both headed over to my tent to have sex. I was just about to get it in when a raccoon ripped my tent causing the girl to scream and runaway. I got cockblocked by a raccoon. FML

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By "ali927truthh" - 12/1/2020 03:00

Wrong size

Today, when I finally got delivered the new kitchen table that I ordered online a week ago, I found out that it was actually a kitchen table for a dollhouse, as I forgot to check the size. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2014 12:06 - United States - Vallejo

Today, my insomnia wins. I'm too wired and awake to sleep, but too stoned on my sleeping pills to get up and do something productive. FML

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By Nicole - 3/4/2011 07:11 - United States

Today, I was in IKEA when my friends and I thought it would be fun to play hide and seek. We all hid; I was in a good hiding spot. Half an hour later, I was still there. I texted my friends to see where they were. They all left to see a movie, and forgot about me. FML

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By justafriend - 28/5/2017 00:00

Today, I went to a bar with a close friend. She got drunk and was feeling sick, so I carried her to my car to take her to her house. Some stranger accused me of drugging her and tackled me with her in my arms. She threw up on me, and he took off running without an apology. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2012 10:50 - United States

Today, I found myself actively concerned about what the characters from "Will and Grace" have been doing since the show went off the air. FML

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By Joy - 16/6/2010 14:42 - Denmark

Today, we had guests coming over. My dad wanted me to make some bacon, but I refused because I'm a vegetarian, and don't like to touch meat. His response? 'Good joke honey, now make the bacon.' FML

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By Going to work naked tomorrow - 11/12/2018 04:00 - United Kingdom - Northallerton

Today I remembered to put my work uniform in the wash; as I hit start I got an email notification. My landlord confirmed that the engineer will be out to fix the washing machine tomorrow after my housemate reported it as broken. My clothes are locked in the machine that now won't turn on. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2010 01:05 - United States

Today, I wanted to spend the day cleaning my room. My mom thinks that I was lying just to stay home, so she yelled at me to go to her shop. At the shop, she yelled at me for not being any help. When we got home she yelled at me for having a messy room. FML

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By anon - 20/3/2015 21:43 - United States - Arlington

Today, I decided I would actually make use of my apartment complex's exercise equipment. My routine consisted of one mile on the treadmill, and 15 minutes on the toilet followed by 10 minutes of lying in the fetal position on my bath mat. Great core workout. FML

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By bellabreeze - 9/8/2012 03:29 - United States - Lebanon

Today, my son thought it would be a great idea to spray a whole can of spray tan all over my freshly-painted white bathroom walls as an "experiment". He's 18. FML

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By Invisible - 19/2/2009 15:48 - United States

Today, I was marked absent from my math class because nobody in my class noticed I was there. FML

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By Deedee - 28/3/2017 00:00

Today, 15 minutes before the end of the day, my boss asked me who I was training to replace me. He then said never mind, that it was his job to choose someone. I hadn't indicated that I was planning on leaving the company. FML

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By tikizombie - 30/8/2010 20:10 - Canada

Today, I was moving out of my old place. While walking around to make sure I would get my damage deposit back, I stepped on my roommate's lipstick and smeared it all over the white carpet. Then, I tripped on the phone cord and ripped the whole thing out of the wall. FML

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By "LovelySB" - 21/4/2019 04:00

Today, while trying to get over all the emotional things I've been going through, I forgot that my bedroom door was open and here my silly behind was dancing in my underwear while my roommate watched on. FML

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By anonymous - 9/4/2009 04:53 - United States

Today, while teaching my kindergarten class, I had a feeling I was starting my period again. A boy in the class asked me what a period was. Stressing over my own, I briefly told him it's a woman's time of the month when they have mood swings. He was asking about the dot at the end of a sentence. FML

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By Danielle22291 - 29/4/2017 17:27 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, as a waitress at Denny's, I had a 25 top table. Only 3 of them spoke English. FML

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By izzie - 9/5/2010 14:15 - Canada

Today, I had sex for the first time in months. His apology took longer than the sex did. FML

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By Bad Uncle - 13/5/2018 19:00

Today, I came home to my mother, wife, sister, and certain family members cussing me out. My daughter and niece told them that I took them to visit and pray at The Church of Satan. Girls! It's The Church of Saint Anne! FML

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By Anonymous - 22/12/2009 01:48 - United States

Today, my mom and I had to shovel our driveway after an epic snowstorm that left us with 22 inches of snow. We only needed to dig out my mom's car and not mine. After we did all that work and shoveled all the snow onto the side where my car was we found out my mom had a flat tire. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2009 02:50 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was upset, so I tried to cheer her up by telling her how much I love her and how beautiful she is. After a minute, her face started to light up. I thought it had worked until I realized that she was being cheered up by the friends she was talking to online. FML

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By Nirius - 22/10/2017 06:00

Today, I spent 2 hours painstakingly making a berry tart for my best friend. As I was taking it out of the oven, the glass dish slipped from my hands and shattered all over the kitchen floor. Now I have no tart and I owe her housemate a new dish. FML

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By better late than never - 8/5/2015 21:32

Today, and for the first time in months, I woke up feeling well rested and ready to face the day. At 7pm. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2019 14:00

Are you taking the piss?

Today, I was being drug tested as part of a pre-employment policy for substitute teaching. Once I had peed in the cup enough to pass the line, I put it on the only available space: the toilet paper holder. Trying to get toilet paper, I knocked the cup over, spilling pee all over myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2011 16:21 - United States

Today, me and my girlfriend were getting at it, and then my parents came home. I heard them and we scrambled to get our clothes on. My dad came into the room and found me wearing her pants inside out with her thong around my legs. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2014 20:47 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my college did a fire drill, and instructions were given by intercom in English and Spanish. The guy beside me mused: "If they say it in English and Mexican, why not say it in Black too?" That guy is my idiot brother, and he was dead serious. Sometimes I think our parents are related. FML

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By yvon la moto - 6/11/2015 10:26 - Spain - Madrid

Today, I set my car's speed to 125km/h to pass the speed camera announced by a road sign. Sure of myself, for a laugh I flipped the bird as I went by. When the flash went off, I realised that the speed limit was 110 km/h, not the usual 130 km/h. FML

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By marisacb - 13/3/2013 18:52 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my best friend. Depressed, I started telling her about my terrible week. A woman came over and asked me to not be so "whiny and negative" in front of her children. FML

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By anonymous - 1/2/2009 10:53 - United States

Today, I slept with this new guy for the first time. After sex, he said the doggie style position was fun, it made him wonder what it would be like to rape a girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/5/2009 04:48 - United States

Today, I celebrated my birthday with my family. As part of my presents, my parents gave me prepaid debit card. When I got home, I looked at it again and realized it's the debit card you get from selling back books to our university bookstore. I bought my own books this year. They gave me my own refund. FML

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By Ryan - 20/12/2011 17:57 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting hot and heavy. She had her shirt off, and commented on the small size of her breasts. Trying to make her feel better, I said I dated smaller breasts. She replied by saying she'd dated bigger penises. FML

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By ThatsNotRight - 31/1/2009 04:08 - United States

Today, I put on my favorite booty shorts and walked outside to smoke a cigarette. My dog had chewed a hole in the middle of my shorts, and I was standing on a balcony that's located on the busiest street in town. FML

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By Crispy - 21/6/2009 05:05 - United States

Today, my girlfriend talked me into tanning in a tanning bed for the first time ever. I have never tanned before and didn't know you are supposed to ease into it. I tanned for 15 minutes in the "super bed" and have lobstered. My ass and nuts got the worst of it. FML

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By PurpleSloth - 15/2/2013 13:57 - United States - Tracy

Today, I realized that without my birth control pills, I would have no idea what day it is. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2015 17:32 - United States

Today, I orgasmed in front of someone for the first time. Too bad it was my dad who didn't knock before coming in. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/10/2013 16:08 - United States - Ballwin

Today, my wife ate nothing all day due to her morning sickness, but I tried to get her to eat something light, for our baby's sake. I brought her a banana. She yelled at me for being a "pervert" and accused me of just wanting to watch her stick a phallic object in her mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/9/2011 04:15 - United States

Today, I went to a football game. During a time out, my face appeared on the Jumbotron during the Kiss Cam segment. I was sitting next to my mother. FML

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Top comments

By MaximumBeat | 16

#6392473 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 18:55

There was really nothing to be ashamed about OP, we all make mistakes and you should be honest about it:).

By CliffyB03 | 28

#6392463 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 18:52

I'd rather say that than give in to stereotypes

Comments

By CliffyB03 | 28

#6392463 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 18:52

I'd rather say that than give in to stereotypes

By Wizardo | 33

#6392464 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 18:53

Jiminy cricket, that's a real bugger!

kaylae22 | 13

#6392584 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 20:47

What did jiminy do to you?

Noahray98 | 8

#6393067 - Wednesday 26 August 2015 5:14

You try too hard

Ben12345_fml | 18

#6393245 - Wednesday 26 August 2015 8:40

Just, no

By jaspinkgrl01 | 18

#6392465 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 18:53

Well that's a buzz kill

By MaximumBeat | 16

#6392473 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 18:55

There was really nothing to be ashamed about OP, we all make mistakes and you should be honest about it:).

By RenoTheRhino | 30

#6392474 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 18:55

Dragonfly of Death.

By bandaidstations | 28

#6392476 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 18:59

YDI Everyone gets started by bugs sometimes. It's just a natural reaction. Tell him the truth because I'd think you were a complete idiot for texting and driving.

slavka012 | 11

#6393841 - Wednesday 26 August 2015 21:30

Really? If bugs can cause you make an accident, you should not be driving

RenoTheRhino | 30

#6394538 - Thursday 27 August 2015 13:50

50, but what about a Dragonfly of Death. What if this dragonfly was hell bent on getting inside your left eye socket? What if it flew right into your ear and started puking out its insides? Or perhaps, it was a Horsefly of Hell.

By keiNan_fml | 35

#6392484 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 19:09

let's just be real.

By naimejeary | 16

#6392485 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 19:10

The truth shall set your phone free OP

By ukeandfoodislife | 19

#6392501 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 19:23

Honestly, bugs are disgusting and I don't blame you. That's not even that embarrassing, compared to ways my friends have gotten into accidents. Be honest and tell him the truth(:

By aneff0592 | 13

#6392514 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 19:30

I really don't see how that is too embarrassing to tell the truth. I've had to pull over on a highway and get out of my car running around like a crazy person thanks to a black widow dropping down on my lap before. Shit happens

chuchusheep | 19

#6392559 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 20:03

well i think that when someone didn't freak the fuck out with a black widow on their lap, that would be cause for worry. i bet that was awful to say the least.