Transportation: Today, my dad took my phone away because I "had to be texting...

By Animeislyfe - United States - Stockbridge

Today, my dad took my phone away because I "had to be texting while driving in order to wreck my car." I was too ashamed to tell him that a huge bug flew into my face causing me to veer off the road and into a brick mailbox. FML

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20110

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Transportation

Dementia or hate? You decide

Higher standards

Surrounded

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, my daughter and her "friend" kept using crude euphemisms right in front of me, thinking I was too old or too stupid to figure out what they meant. I nearly had an aneurysm when she told him he could put his "pencil" in her "sharpener" next time they studied together. FML

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27069

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By Sticky - 8/11/2020 17:02 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Craft beer bores

Today, just before bed, I decided to put away the dry washing. I ended up knocking over my boyfriend's precious brewing ginger beer. It took me an hour to clean it off the floor, cupboards, door, outside and inside of the fridge. Everything is still sticky and smells of yeast. FML

I agree, your life sucks

765

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341

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By CrawlingUnderARock

Today, I discovered that a company has been using a photo of me for one of those "she lost 50 pounds" online ads. I'm the "before" photo. FML

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3218

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By but why

Today, when it started raining, I remembered that I'd left my kitchen windows open. I hurried to close them, but slipped in a huge puddle and slid into the wall, making a huge hole in it with my knee. FML

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2468

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By swallowsafly

Today, Facebook sent me a new friend suggestion. I opened it only to see that the person suggested was the home wrecker that broke up my marriage 4 years ago. Her cover picture is her and my ex together, along with a group of people that I used to be friends with. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2062

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By astroloser - Philippines

Today, I went to my guidance counselor and told her how I'd been fascinated with space since I was 12, had read about the universe and everything, and how I want to be an astrologist when I grow up. She stared at me for a second, before saying, "But you're... stupid." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Raleigh

Today, I woke up to find a huge zit directly between my two eyebrows. My friends have started calling me "The North Star." FML

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By suffersecks - United States

Today, while in the middle of giving my husband a blow job, I looked up to see him staring into space and vigorously picking his nose. FML

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38447

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By Fag_Hag - United States

Today, while my 4 year old nephew was hugging me, he stepped back and declared, "Auntie, my Pee-do is hard, but it will go away." FML

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37284

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By soljaboy - United States

Today, I had a date with this guy. I waited at the restaurant for an hour and he didn't show. Thinking he stood me up, I went over to his place and keyed his car. Then I realized the date was for tomorrow. FML

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13088

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent five hours sobbing in my room due to anti-depressant withdrawal. My mother refused to come and talk to me, because I'm "a terrible, hateful child who only cares about herself." Last week I spent two hours comforting her because my brother hadn't called in a week. FML

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By crippy - United States

Today, I came home from a knee surgery. I asked my mother to get me a glass of water. She replied, "You can get it, you're not crippled. Oh wait, yeah you are" and laughed hysterically. FML

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30907

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my roommate hooked up with a guy she met at a party. After telling me about it, she says to me, "Maybe next time we go out we'll hit someone over the head and drag him back here for you." Apparently the only way I can get a guy is if he's unconscious. FML

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49830

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, when I woke up I checked my phone for messages, only to hear a woman screaming that I have been sleeping with her husband and that she is sending her 'people' after me. I have never met said husband. I panicked for hours only to receive a call telling me she had dialed the wrong number. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32045

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By Anonymous - 7/5/2021 06:00

Public freakout

Today, some punk got up in my face yelling at me, pushed my wife and scratched my car with a, "What you gonna do, old man?" attitude, and yet I’m the bad guy who gets arrested because I open-palm slapped him and he fell into a glass window and fucked up his face and neck, probably permanently. FML

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1561

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By Heyhey - France

Today, I met someone with the same name as me for the first time ever. I'm 20 years old, he is 97. FML

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25403

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By mommycooks - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Interference

Today, my family came over for Thanksgiving. We were supposed to have had dinner hours ago, but my mom kept sneaking into the kitchen and dialing down the temperature on the oven, claiming I was going to overcook everything. At this rate, we'll be lucky to have eaten by midnight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25814

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By CheeseAndCrackers

Everyone loves a weepie

Today, my always over-emotional husband burst into sobs when I thanked him for making me lunch. Apparently, I did not compliment his cooking enough. He microwaved me a Hot Pocket; it was still frozen in the middle. FML

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1623

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By Mikaela - United States

Today, I saw my reflection in the computer screen and I thought I looked quite nice. I tried to take a screenshot. FML

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7841

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By Emily - Australia

Today, after spending a great evening with the guy I really like, he dropped me off outside my house. When he pulled into my driveway, his lights shone onto my drunken mum taking the garbage out in nothing but her black panties. FML

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39057

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By Char - United Kingdom - Gravesend

Today, whilst at work, I had a woman come in with a problem with the seat in her car not moving backwards or forwards. There was a dildo stuck in the chair rail. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3758

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260

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By Nelson - Sweden

Today, I was sitting on my balcony reading a book. My upstairs neighbors thought that would be a good time to water their flowers. I'm now drenched in water, as is my book. FML

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33856

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By terrifiedanon - United States - Denver

Today, I was at a house party and a guy needed a ride somewhere. Our designated driver, being the nice person she is, offered. I was in the back seat with him. His first words were, "Hey guys! I want to clear this awkwardness so… I once saw a 6-year-old girl die during a drive by I was on." FML

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1567

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126

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By tired - United States

Today, my dad woke me up 3 hours early, after I had been up very late the night before, because something "awesome" happened. Apparently the cashier at Dunkin' Donuts and I share the same first name. Thanks Dad. FML

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31764

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By Stupid

Today, I found out my son has been lying about being sick. He kept complaining so I took him to the doctor and got him some medicine. Now he’s actually sick because he took meds he didn’t even need. He did it solely so he could get an expensive get well soon gift. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3932

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850

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By PiaNO - United Kingdom

Today, I was teaching a ten year old how to play piano. Halfway through the lesson, she made a minor mistake, which, trying to be a good tutor, I corrected her. She smiled up at me, paused, then slammed the key cover down onto my fingers. FML

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42226

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By Jack - United States

Today, my family got together to read my grandpa's will. He gave all of his grandkids $400 each. Except me. It seems he thought I'd see the funny side in being bequeathed a blow-up sex doll. FML

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41586

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By bellsucker - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was rotated to the graveyard shift at my job. My only co-worker is a twenty-something Paris Hilton wannabe who won't shut up about her belief that she's the reincarnation of Whitney Houston. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27079

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1955

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By prettylady? - United States

Today, I said "bless you" to a nice man who sneezed on the subway. That nice man has now followed me home and stood outside my apartment complex for two hours, claiming to be my "soulmate." FML

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35021

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By Anonymouse - United States

Today, while I thought my brother was playing with my new phone, he was actually texting a bunch of my friends that I have chlamydia. He deleted his texts so I wouldn't see them, and I spent a half-hour trying to figure out why I kept getting texts of shock and sympathy. We're both in our 20's. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34525

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By Marou - France

Today, I sent a text message to a guy I like, saying, "Dear Santa, I want to fall in love." He replied: "Wait for next Christmas..." FML

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25274

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By Johannes_712

Today, my brother is getting married to my crush of 7 years. To make that even worse, they're moving in with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1571

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541

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By terdberglerforlyfe - Brazil - Mogi Das Cruzes

Today, my sister turned the volume on my phone way up and changed the ringtone to a woman's blood-curdling scream. I found this out when she called my phone at 2am as I slept next to it. I pissed my pants and fell out of bed screaming in terror. I'll never hear the end of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42719

You deserved it

4365

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By nothreat33 - United States

Today, it was my 24th birthday. I got a card from my sister reading: "Here's to another year of complete disregard for age-appropriate developmental milestones." She was right. FML

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19007

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By crushed

What about me?

Today, my wife told me about an old boyfriend she had. She told me that they used to fool around, and that she’d give him blow jobs all the time. I never get any action like that from her. FML

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1603

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2020 23:01

Drained

Today, after following the directions and drinking a gallon of what can only be described as an industrial strength laxative for a scheduled colonoscopy. I shit my brains out for nearly 12 hours. The hospital then called and canceled my procedure an hour before my arrival time. FML

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By myasshurts - United States

Today, while lying in bed with my boyfriend after some steamy lovemaking, he sat up, slapped my ass with excruciating force, and screamed, "I AM THE THUNDER!" directly into my ear. It seems our senses of humor differ considerably. FML

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34611

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By xCZ75x - United Kingdom - Potters Bar

Today, my best friend on Snapchat is my mum. FML

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3099

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By oppsiedaisey

Finally!

Today, it's been so long since my husband has been able to give me an orgasm that when he finally did today, I started sobbing. FML

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1915

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By Anonymous

How d'you think?

Today, I announced my pregnancy to my boss. I was expecting all sorts of reactions, except, "But... Erm... How did that happen?" FML

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Top comments

By MaximumBeat | 16

#6392473 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 18:55

There was really nothing to be ashamed about OP, we all make mistakes and you should be honest about it:).

By CliffyB03 | 28

#6392463 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 18:52

I'd rather say that than give in to stereotypes

COMMENTS

By CliffyB03 | 28

#6392463 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 18:52

I'd rather say that than give in to stereotypes

By Wizardo | 33

#6392464 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 18:53

Jiminy cricket, that's a real bugger!

kaylae22 | 13

#6392584 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 20:47

What did jiminy do to you?

Noahray98 | 8

#6393067 - Wednesday 26 August 2015 5:14

You try too hard

Ben12345_fml | 18

#6393245 - Wednesday 26 August 2015 8:40

Just, no

By jaspinkgrl01 | 18

#6392465 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 18:53

Well that's a buzz kill

By MaximumBeat | 16

#6392473 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 18:55

There was really nothing to be ashamed about OP, we all make mistakes and you should be honest about it:).

By RenoTheRhino | 30

#6392474 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 18:55

Dragonfly of Death.

By bandaidstations | 28

#6392476 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 18:59

YDI Everyone gets started by bugs sometimes. It's just a natural reaction. Tell him the truth because I'd think you were a complete idiot for texting and driving.

slavka012 | 11

#6393841 - Wednesday 26 August 2015 21:30

Really? If bugs can cause you make an accident, you should not be driving

RenoTheRhino | 30

#6394538 - Thursday 27 August 2015 13:50

50, but what about a Dragonfly of Death. What if this dragonfly was hell bent on getting inside your left eye socket? What if it flew right into your ear and started puking out its insides? Or perhaps, it was a Horsefly of Hell.

By keiNan_fml | 35

#6392484 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 19:09

let's just be real.

By naimejeary | 16

#6392485 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 19:10

The truth shall set your phone free OP

By ukeandfoodislife | 19

#6392501 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 19:23

Honestly, bugs are disgusting and I don't blame you. That's not even that embarrassing, compared to ways my friends have gotten into accidents. Be honest and tell him the truth(:

By aneff0592 | 13

#6392514 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 19:30

I really don't see how that is too embarrassing to tell the truth. I've had to pull over on a highway and get out of my car running around like a crazy person thanks to a black widow dropping down on my lap before. Shit happens

chuchusheep | 19

#6392559 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 20:03

well i think that when someone didn't freak the fuck out with a black widow on their lap, that would be cause for worry. i bet that was awful to say the least.