Transportation: Today, my dad took my phone away because I "had to be texting...

By Animeislyfe - United States - Stockbridge

Today, my dad took my phone away because I "had to be texting while driving in order to wreck my car." I was too ashamed to tell him that a huge bug flew into my face causing me to veer off the road and into a brick mailbox. FML

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Transportation

BO Central

And today, on Dr Phil…

Workaholic

By do you want a bag - Canada - Surrey

Today, after 3 weeks of my new job, I'm already having work-related dreams. I'm having troubles differentiating between the 8 hour shifts in real life and the 8 hour shifts in my dream. I'm doubly exhausted. FML

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By 0stvn0 - Canada

Today, my doctor booked me in for an STD test. I was feeling confident until he explained it will involve having a catheter inserted into my piss pipe. He shook his head sadly and said: "Gonna be honest, Steve, the pain's beyond belief." Great. FML

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By Neglected - United States - Wimberley

Today, I told my husband it would be great to spend an evening with a bottle of wine and a pile of blankets on the balcony of our cabin during the cruise. He decided it would be great to ditch me and go out gambling. FML

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By ifaisal - Qatar

Today, I was on a date with someone I've had a crush on for a long time. It was after midnight, we were chatting in the car and I was close to having my first kiss ever. That is, until a bunch of policemen popped up to arrest my date for being a suspected drug dealer. FML

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By makin bacon

Bad smell

Today, my idiot roommate read somewhere that bacon grease could be used on squeaky doors and windows. Now, we're desperately trying to scrub the rancid goop out of door hinges and window tracks. Our whole place smells like rotten pig ass and death! FML

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By anon - United States - Medford

Today, my girlfriend and I were going through some troubles in our relationship, and she said to me, "No offense, but I really hope no other relationship I have in the future will be like this one." Some offense taken. FML

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By HR nightmare - United States - Glendale

Today, I tried to fire the worst worker I've ever had over the phone because he never shows up for work anymore. He said no and went crazy. HR and the police are now involved. FML

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By ProsserBabe11 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my brother why he can't go on dates with my new boyfriend and me. FML

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By dvddtraveller - United States - Oakland

Today, I went to the local clinic and I met a really cute guy. We hit it off quite well, and he asked me out. It's like The Fault in Our Stars, but instead of cancer, we have STDs. FML

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By CreepyPaperDoll - United States

Today, I went for coffee with some people from work. I lined up to order behind a guy I'd only met a few times. When he paid, he dropped his wallet, and I saw that he had a picture of me cut from the company newsletter, enlarged, and taped inside his wallet. FML

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By Arp - United States

Today, I got an early Valentine's day card. My boyfriend and I recently broke up, and my hopes shot up thinking it might be from him. It wasn't. It was from my parents. FML

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By DoubledTrouble - United States - Washington

Today, my kids overheard me talking about cleaning the fuel system in our RV before we go to Disney World. They were so eager to get there, they decided they'd clean the fuel system themselves while I was at work, namely by pouring Tide into the gas tank. FML

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By lindora - 14/9/2020 17:00 - Canada - Richmond Hill

Whoop-di-scoop-di-poop

Today, I counted 3 weeks since my new roommate scooped the poop out of her two cats' litter boxes. Also, she keeps rubbing in my face that she takes such good care of the cats, and I can only pretend to nod in agreement. There’s five more months on the lease. FML

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By monogamyisalie - United States

Today, an attractive man hit on me for the first time since I ended my 3-year relationship with my cheating ex. Then the man told me he'd just gotten out of prison last week. FML

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By horniness - Hong Kong

Today, I was in a bad mood after being stuck in traffic for 2 hours and late for work. I was walking to my building when I saw a 100 dollar note flying my way. A man called after me for it, but being selfish I took the note in my pocket as a little reward. That man was my boss. Yes, I'm fired. FML

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By x_udontknowme_x - United States

Today, while I was out of the office, I'd left my phone charging inside. My boss informed me that since I am clearly running up her electricity bill, it will be deducted out of my already nearly non existent paycheck. FML

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By Anonymous - Romania - Bucharest

Today, it's my first day at my new job. Unfortunately, I have a very bad cold. When my boss leaned in to show me something on the computer, I sneezed all over him. A hell of a first impression. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my husband has had a low sex drive for a while now. I've been trying all sorts of things to pique his desire. Turns out that a conversation about Neil deGrasse Tyson was all I ever needed. FML

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By gdog10122 - United States

Today, I found out that my dad, thinking it was an advertisement, threw away a letter from the college I applied to. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, the girl of my dreams, the one person I've met in my life that I could see myself spending the rest of it with, told me she loves me. She then specifically added "...but not in that way, so we could never be together." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home to find my 25 year old boyfriend laughing hysterically at his laptop while he made Microsoft Sam say "feces", "penis", and "diarrhea". FML

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By continuouslyaddingdebt

Today, in an attempt to keep my valuables safe, I snatched my PlayStation 4 controller from the hands of my 4-year-old nephew. Not knowing that it was connected, I ultimately yanked the PlayStation and the HD Flatscreen flat on their faces. FML

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By Anonymous - Meade

Today, I felt cold while driving, so I blasted the heat. The one thing I didn't expect was a load of tiny spiders spilling out of the vents and writhing all over my dash. FML

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By WeakerThanaLittleGirl - United States

Today, after weeks of practice, I proudly did 9 chin-ups on my chin-up bar. As soon as I was done, my 11-year-old daughter came over and banged out 12 of them. Then she wiped her sweaty hands off and did 8 more. Then she gave me pointers on my technique. FML

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By midwesternpetclerk - United States

Today, I got yelled at by my boss for being insensitive to a customer. I'd told her I never heard of the requested item even existing. She walked off shouting, screaming and throwing stuff from the shelf. She wanted to order a bird feeder with heated perches so the bird's feet won't get cold. FML

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By Anonymoose

Today, I was in a public toilet. I looked down and realised someone in the stall next to me was peeing on my foot underneath the divider. They didn't even attempt to aim for the toilet bowl. FML

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By mcfatty - India - Bangalore

Today, despite having a bunch of work and school related things to do, I made time to go visit family I hadn't seen in a while. The main topic of discussion was how fat I've gotten. FML

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By wdones97

Today, at my job, I was so tired and aggravated that I accidentally mumbled, "I need a drink." One of the patients I was taking care of heard me and said, "Me too." I work at an addiction rehab facility. FML

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By fmysexlife - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I was really horny. He then gave me the link to his favorite "porn". He said I should do it for him. It was a youtube video of some girl making a sandwich. FML

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By peeoncarl1111 - United States

Today, I got my wisdom teeth cut out. While my girlfriend was driving me home, I, still being high on the laughing gas, accidentally admitted to cheating on her. She was kind enough to wait until the numbness wore off before she punched me in the face. FML

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By MissBeEyeTeeSeeH - Canada

Today, It was pretty nice out, so I decided to walk to work. Not twenty minutes after leaving, it started to pour. I was soaking when I got there and had to change. My boyfriend works next door, so I asked him if he could give me a ride. His reply? "Sorry Babe, I just can't be seen with you like that." FML

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By Evil_Angel_90 - Australia

Today, in order to try and get over my slight fear of swans, I went down to the local park to feed them. One decided that I looked tastier than the bread I was throwing and chased me around the feeding area while everybody laughed. FML

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By Brian - United States - East Wenatchee

Today, while I was cuddling with my girlfriend, she looked at me and leaned in. Thinking she was going to kiss me, I leaned too. Just as we were about to kiss, she screamed "COW KISSES" and somehow managed to lick my eyeball. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mariposa

Today, I found out that the money that my wife claims went into repairing her car engine actually is going towards helping her pay for a divorce. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2020 05:00 - Australia

Jaws

Today, I was violently sick. There was so much vomit forcing itself out that I dislocated my jaw. I continued throwing up with a dislocated jaw for an hour or so. FML

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By DirtyNurse - 5/12/2020 07:01 - United States - Center Point

Such a rewarding career

Today, I got projectile-vomited on while trying to administer meds to a patient. Twenty minutes later, a patient with schizophrenia threw his shitty diaper at my face. All this happened in the first hour of my 12-hour shift. I didn't bring any extra scrubs and I live an hour away from work. FML

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893

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By ALL PRAISE TO THE NIGHT MOTHER - United States - East Greenbush

Today, my girlfriend lost one of her rings. I found this out as I overheard her gushing to her friend about how I must have borrowed it to find out what her ring size is. I have zero interest whatsoever in the sick and utterly immoral institution of marriage. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Pierrefonds

Today, I was at a Chinese buffet, and I got a fortune cookie. I opened it, and it said, "The love of your life is sitting across from you". The only thing across from me was an empty chair. FML

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By Doggy... - Australia

Today, my neighbours watched and laughed as I chased my dog around the lawn, trying to rescue the only clean pair of underwear I had in my house. FML

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By Soulara89 - United States - Orlando

Today, on a first date with a guy, I spilled ice cream all over my pants. He bought me some more, and as I was thanking him, he said, "You've never had a guy treat you right, have you?" I said no and started crying. FML

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Top comments

By MaximumBeat | 16

#6392473 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 18:55

There was really nothing to be ashamed about OP, we all make mistakes and you should be honest about it:).

By CliffyB03 | 28

#6392463 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 18:52

I'd rather say that than give in to stereotypes

COMMENTS

By CliffyB03 | 28

#6392463 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 18:52

I'd rather say that than give in to stereotypes

By Wizardo | 33

#6392464 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 18:53

Jiminy cricket, that's a real bugger!

kaylae22 | 13

#6392584 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 20:47

What did jiminy do to you?

Noahray98 | 8

#6393067 - Wednesday 26 August 2015 5:14

You try too hard

Ben12345_fml | 18

#6393245 - Wednesday 26 August 2015 8:40

Just, no

By jaspinkgrl01 | 18

#6392465 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 18:53

Well that's a buzz kill

By MaximumBeat | 16

#6392473 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 18:55

There was really nothing to be ashamed about OP, we all make mistakes and you should be honest about it:).

By RenoTheRhino | 30

#6392474 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 18:55

Dragonfly of Death.

By bandaidstations | 28

#6392476 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 18:59

YDI Everyone gets started by bugs sometimes. It's just a natural reaction. Tell him the truth because I'd think you were a complete idiot for texting and driving.

slavka012 | 11

#6393841 - Wednesday 26 August 2015 21:30

Really? If bugs can cause you make an accident, you should not be driving

RenoTheRhino | 30

#6394538 - Thursday 27 August 2015 13:50

50, but what about a Dragonfly of Death. What if this dragonfly was hell bent on getting inside your left eye socket? What if it flew right into your ear and started puking out its insides? Or perhaps, it was a Horsefly of Hell.

By keiNan_fml | 35

#6392484 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 19:09

let's just be real.

By naimejeary | 16

#6392485 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 19:10

The truth shall set your phone free OP

By ukeandfoodislife | 19

#6392501 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 19:23

Honestly, bugs are disgusting and I don't blame you. That's not even that embarrassing, compared to ways my friends have gotten into accidents. Be honest and tell him the truth(:

By aneff0592 | 13

#6392514 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 19:30

I really don't see how that is too embarrassing to tell the truth. I've had to pull over on a highway and get out of my car running around like a crazy person thanks to a black widow dropping down on my lap before. Shit happens

chuchusheep | 19

#6392559 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 20:03

well i think that when someone didn't freak the fuck out with a black widow on their lap, that would be cause for worry. i bet that was awful to say the least.