Miscellaneous: Today, was the fifth night I've dreamed of brushing my teeth....

By wetdreams - 05/02/2012 00:35 - Canada

Today, was the fifth night I've dreamed of brushing my teeth. I wake up about three times a night because as I spit in my dream, I actually spit on my face as I'm sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 091

You deserved it 3 180

Miscellaneous

Mother of the year

Our house, in the middle of our street

Alexa, play "Unhappy Birthday" by The Smiths

Rock, hard place

By coius - 06/05/2020 08:00

Today, after years of high blood pressure and 3 meds for it, a doctor informed me my blood pressure is going too low, and I'm passing out. I've been told to stop the meds. This followed an increase in my meds because it's killing my kidneys. So my choices are kidney failure, or passing out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 504

You deserved it 179

By boo - 27/05/2009 18:15 - United States

Today, I had a job interview. I had to drop my daughter off with my babysitter first. When I got to the interview I got a weird look from the vice president of the company. I had lime green poop running down the side of my white blouse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 688

You deserved it 7 394

By catlover - 20/05/2009 09:07 - Australia

Today, my cat kept sneezing all morning so I took her to the vet. $150 later and the vet says she's fine. I get home and the noise starts up again. My automatic air freshener spray sounds just like my cat sneezing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 490

You deserved it 52 431

By AntiBobTheBuilder - 02/03/2011 05:22 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my one person on my staff why having kids aged 6 to 9 hammering in screws with the butt end of a screwdriver is neither safe, nor a good idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 377

You deserved it 3 014

By arsenic660 - 30/07/2009 03:17 - United States

Today, I went into my part-time job at a drugstore. We always have one item we try and sell to every customer. For the next week I have to ask every person if they would like to try my nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 779

You deserved it 4 531

By AlwaysAfraid - 23/10/2015 22:33 - United States

Today, I received the honorary title of "student of the month," because I'm the only quiet kid during class. Truth is, I just have no friends. I was given an award for being socially awkward. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 726

You deserved it 2 495

Is this a joke?

By smiletellsall - 06/08/2009 23:41 - United States

Today, my boss called me into his office. He had a huge smile on his face, so I assumed I was going to get promoted. He then sat down, and told me that he had been sleeping with my wife for the last three months. He still had a huge smile on his face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 850

You deserved it 3 095

By stink - 04/09/2010 00:11

Today, my roommate informed me that he took a bet to not shower or bathe until Christmas. The bet is for five bucks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 343

You deserved it 2 743

Zzzzzzzzzz

By Anonymous - 15/09/2020 13:31 - India - Delhi

Today, I fell asleep in the middle of an online class. Now everyone calls me Sleeping Beauty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 649

You deserved it 1 018

By Anonymous - 13/08/2018 18:30

Today, I was in school when a guy grabbed my breast, so I swore at him and shoved him away. I got detention and he walked away unpunished. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 724

You deserved it 216

By Damn You Fortnite - 17/08/2018 15:00

Today, I discovered that my little brother sold my PS2, 3 and 4 along with all of my games in exchange for credits to use in Fortnite. I've had some of that stuff since before he was born. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 057

You deserved it 174

Rock n Roll is a dirty business

By Anonymous - 09/11/2020 23:01

Today, I was in a band with some friends and we got our first gig at a local festival, but I'd already agreed to work serving drinks at the festival. My bandmates got really annoyed and kicked me out of the band. They then went ahead and performed the song that I WROTE, without me, at the festival where i was working. FML

I agree, your life sucks 653

You deserved it 795

By Nirius - 22/10/2017 06:00

Today, I spent 2 hours painstakingly making a berry tart for my best friend. As I was taking it out of the oven, the glass dish slipped from my hands and shattered all over the kitchen floor. Now I have no tart and I owe her housemate a new dish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 778

You deserved it 466

By googlefreak54321 - 25/07/2011 06:05 - United States

Today, I went out to go meet up with a guy. I walked all the way to his house just to see him. Then he made me hide behind a bush till his girlfriend left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 448

You deserved it 13 554

By fuggers :/ - 24/11/2013 21:38 - United Kingdom - Basingstoke

Today, my workplace had a big employee photoshoot for an ad campaign. I was there all of 30 seconds before the photographer said, "What the fuck? Look guys, this ain't an ad for facial abortions." He then asked me and another colleague to step out of the shot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 467

You deserved it 3 800

Good old gender stereotypes

By Brian - 05/11/2020 13:59 - Macedonia - Skopje

Today, I couldn't open a jar of mayo and my cousin had to open it for me. She's a 16 year-old girl and I'm a 24 year-old guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 486

You deserved it 727

By Ian - 18/04/2009 14:24 - United States

Today, I had a surgery to remove a cyst from my butt. Afterwards that doctor told me that the cyst was bigger than he initially thought, it would still secrete fluids for two weeks, and the best remedy for this was to wear a maxi-pad. I'm a guy, and am currently wearing a maxi-pad on my butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 108 399

You deserved it 6 427

By Anonymous - 19/08/2015 05:15 - United States - Mineola

Today, my boyfriend is so ashamed of me that when someone asked how far along my pregnancy is, he quickly replied "5 months now!" instead of telling them I'm not actually pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 283

You deserved it 11 477

By imfucked - 26/07/2019 14:00

Today, I found out the paycheck I deposited on Tuesday bounced. This means that the checks I sent to my landlord, the electric and gas company and my mom will also bounce. When I told my boss, we got into an argument over bank fees and he fired me. I had thumped him, though. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 553

You deserved it 235

By mislabelled mother - 24/03/2018 01:30

Today, I got my first tattoo. I didn't realise that the font I chose uses a fancy capital L that can easily be mistaken for a capital F. It looks like I have "I'm A Good Fuck Charm" tattooed on my wrist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 855

You deserved it 5 508

By Heethersays - 03/07/2009 03:06 - United States

Today, I went to the gym to lift weights because my arm muscles are pathetic. In order to use a machine, I needed to pull out a knob to adjust the seat setting. After an embarassing struggle, a worker came over and helped me. Turns out I'm not even strong enough to adjust the seat settings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 316

You deserved it 7 626

By justhereforlaughs - 12/09/2011 22:32 - United States

Today, while at the beach, my little brother's hat blew off. I chased after it before I completely lost sight and realized I was no match for the wind. I get back and he's wearing the hat. I chased a fucking trash bag for a mile thinking it was his hat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 956

You deserved it 11 039

Reported!

By thatcreepyteacher - 17/02/2016 04:27 - United States - Mchenry

Today, someone called the police on me because one of my students was going home with me every day. The student is my son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 731

You deserved it 1 415

By Amber - 28/05/2013 23:42 - United States - Oroville

Today, I had to make a poster for social studies. I decided to write "Nice ass" in hieroglyphics. Turns out my teacher can read hieroglyphics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 625

You deserved it 52 335

By (-,..,-) - 24/07/2015 17:24 - France

Today, I lost out on a job opportunity because the interviewer said my "fake fangs are unprofessional and frankly disturbing". The "fangs" are my real canines, and they have always looked this way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 977

You deserved it 1 706

By LucyLollipop - 03/01/2018 15:00

Today, I had my first glass of red wine after months of pregnancy and giving birth. Just as I sat down and started to relax, I spilled it all over myself and my in-law’s couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 775

You deserved it 775

By NightHawk4926 - 09/09/2015 22:15 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I was at the park when I saw a homeless man. I gave him my sandwich, since he needed it more than me. Seconds later, he was attacked by a flock of birds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 281

You deserved it 1 731

By Roma-Jay - 22/07/2012 14:13 - United Kingdom - Coventry

Today, while trying to look cute and playing with my hair in front of a boy, I pulled a piece of my hair extension out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 655

You deserved it 48 303

By Anonymous - 15/11/2010 12:06 - Netherlands

Today, after spending two weeks renovating my room and $1000 on paint and a new floor, my landlord told me that he's sold the house. Also, he was kind enough to inform me that unless I paint the walls back to white, I won't be getting my $500 deposit back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 334

You deserved it 19 686

By Anonymous - 04/09/2011 16:21 - United States

Today, I finally got intimate with the girl I like. As I started lifting her shirt, she stuck her hand down my pants and grabbed my junk. She immediately stopped what she was doing, snickered, and calmly said, "Take me home." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 125

You deserved it 6 346

By daughter - 18/09/2012 04:25 - Sweden - Vårgårda

Today, I found out that, for over three years, my boyfriend has solely been dating me to get closer to my mom. Apparently, "she's a total MILF." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 690

You deserved it 2 289

By cowgurl91 - 13/01/2010 21:40 - France

Today, I found out that my boyfriend was going to propose to me about three months ago. I was completely surprised and asked why he didn't. At that time, I had told him to stop looking at me like that and go buy me some damn tacos. I was 2 months pregnant then. Now he wants to wait a couple of years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 226

You deserved it 42 277

By smokeysarah94 - 04/03/2013 01:17 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, my boss and I had to come up with a code to call if a person acts inappropriately towards me because I "attract too many weirdos." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 344

You deserved it 3 311

By Makusu420 - 03/12/2015 00:44 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my dad sent me $200 by mail, only to mail it to the wrong person. So now some random person is getting $200 from my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 535

You deserved it 1 561

By gunnerdog - 27/08/2013 00:22 - United States - Galveston

Today, during one of my first days as a teacher, a student stole my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 104

You deserved it 4 992

Roommates from hell

By ugh - 30/09/2011 19:45 - United States

Today, after a month of living in a pigsty of an apartment with my roommates, I spent the day cleaning the place out. When everyone returned home, instead of thanking me, all they could do was point out the spots I'd missed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 361

You deserved it 3 501

By kewlio45 - 01/07/2009 06:33 - United States

Today, the dentist sneezed in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 107 879

You deserved it 6 319

By Blöde Gans - 25/11/2014 16:14 - United States - Ormond Beach

Today, my mom booked a family trip to Sweden. This would be great, if she hadn't asked me to tell our former German exchange student that we were coming to visit her in Germany. She was thrilled. Now I have to be the one to let her down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 607

You deserved it 2 690

By wowimdumb - 30/01/2011 00:35 - United States

Today, I was at a power lifting meet when a girl I really liked walked in. Trying to impress her, I increased my bench to 350, when I have only done 300 before. She then watched me drop it on my chest, breaking my breast bone, and also crying in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 436

You deserved it 70 038

By Anonymous - 03/06/2016 19:46 - United States

Today, the police finally recovered my stolen car. All it took was a shootout and two people dying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 580

You deserved it 1 930

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Top comments

Mirorbo 26

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Sunday 5 February 2012 9:33

I'm very sorry... But I just can't help but to laugh at this one, darling. Maybe you should brush your teeth more often when you're awake. It'll make you feel better.

omfg_creepers 8

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Sunday 5 February 2012 9:33

Try sleeping on your stomach without suffocating or drowning in your spit.

omfg_creepers 8

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Sunday 5 February 2012 9:33

Try sleeping on your stomach without suffocating or drowning in your spit.

Roevera 14

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Sunday 5 February 2012 9:50

the OP should be thankful they're not dreaming about using the restroom while sleeping. He'd probably experience more "Wetdreams" (his name).

gamercanadian 11

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Sunday 5 February 2012 10:21

Come on man, now I can't get that outta my head.

chris71sk8r 8

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Sunday 5 February 2012 11:36

I've spit on myself during a dream too. I wasn't brushing my teeth though. I was outside and I spit on the floor. It landed on my arm. Damn dreams!

capper44 18

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Sunday 5 February 2012 15:25

Hahaha lmao #10, your comment made my day lol... How OP its true that you should be thankful that not getting restroom dreams :p

SeaMen 3

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Sunday 5 February 2012 17:28

I think it's time you've brushed your teeth

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Sunday 5 February 2012 18:10

10- where's your nose?!

Mirorbo 26

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Sunday 5 February 2012 9:33

I'm very sorry... But I just can't help but to laugh at this one, darling. Maybe you should brush your teeth more often when you're awake. It'll make you feel better.

Pentium_4 26

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Sunday 5 February 2012 10:23

it's pretty much a requirement for an FML to be funny, or it won't get published :D but some are pretty messed up

a1f0sff 25

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Sunday 5 February 2012 10:29

I agree. I can't stop imagining you spitting while dreaming...

ladyLALAA 28

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Sunday 5 February 2012 10:34

First time I've heard someone get called darling on FML, how bizarre.

Mirorbo 26

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Sunday 5 February 2012 11:20

You must be new here, darling.

ladyLALAA 28

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Sunday 5 February 2012 14:30

A little, yes. And what do you mean on your profile about this being a character account?

RussianFox 13

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Sunday 5 February 2012 22:38

He's role playing as a character by imitating their personality & reactions.

mwolverine 1

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Sunday 5 February 2012 9:36

Maybe you're forgetting to brush your teeth before going to sleep?

lebronesque73091 12

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Sunday 5 February 2012 19:12

What a weird dream.

finished 10

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Sunday 5 February 2012 9:36

Most dreams mean something, try brushing your teeth and then going back to bed, it might help... Or not?

breeY0 7

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Sunday 5 February 2012 10:12

someones gunna die ! o: ... or is that when you dream of losing your teeth ? hmmm.

DQEight 8

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Sunday 5 February 2012 17:39

Most dreams are symbolic of something else then what is actually dreamt Hmm maybe OP has been such a potty mouth and feels unclean for what they've been saying..?

comedybreak 20

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Sunday 5 February 2012 9:37

LOL. You must be pro by now at brushing.

LaColombianita 26

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Sunday 5 February 2012 9:38

Omg I remember when I was like 5 years old I used to dream about using the toilet and I wet the bed... :(

absolutegrrr 7

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Sunday 5 February 2012 10:45

Aah same! No matter what I was dreaming about, I'd always end up in a toilet or at the swimming pool or something. Fucking annoying!

LaColombianita 26

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Sunday 5 February 2012 11:08

I know! And you didn't even realize you were peeing until you already did and completely soaked the bed sheets. I used to get so upset about it.

Haha_no_123 11

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Sunday 5 February 2012 14:19

That happened to me too!! I new other kids had that happen but I had a bladder infection so I felt so dissapoiinted in myself when I woke up

Salmaggs 2

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Sunday 5 February 2012 17:20

Same here. In my dreams I'd be walking to the bathroom, sit on the toilet and pee my bed. ): the last time I peed my bed that happened but that was also the day I got a new mattress fml):

sarahgiron 5

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Friday 10 August 2012 15:15

That happened to me until I was 9. :/

Thelnternet 7

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Sunday 5 February 2012 9:40

What did you use for the toothpaste?

Daiyuki 5

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Sunday 5 February 2012 16:45

That display picture is amazing

Xythenol 6

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Sunday 5 February 2012 18:24

LIKE-A SOMBODEEEE

iAmScrubs 19

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Sunday 5 February 2012 9:44

You must be careful that these dreams don't then into nightmares. "They won't go white! They won't go white! Please help me, someone."

iAmScrubs 19

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Sunday 5 February 2012 9:51

Damn. That meant to be "turn" and not "then". Ignore my stupidity.

fmessiah 17

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Sunday 5 February 2012 9:46

I think you need to train your imagination to be more creative. I guess you should read more.

THE_A_TEEN 27

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Sunday 5 February 2012 10:12

Actually, dreams are just snippets of your life put together in some alternet reality subconcious world set inside your mind. It has nothing to do with imagination or now cultured/intellingent you are. But then again, dreams are still a mystery...

THE_A_TEEN 27

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Sunday 5 February 2012 10:16

Fuck... *alternate *how

fmessiah 17

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Sunday 5 February 2012 10:57

I very rarely remember my dreams, but the dreams that I do remember (when my sleeping is disturbed seems to be the way I remember) they are directly linked to a movie or book I have recently been reading/watching. You could take my comment as "what a boring dream" if you so desire.

Kog_Hiro 17

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Sunday 5 February 2012 11:14

To A Teen and fmessiah: A Teen, well put about the dreams. fmessiah, that is actually quite common. You enter R.E.M. probably 2-4 times a night, depending on the type of sleeper you are, and R.E.M. is the stage where you dream too. Did ya know we technically dream multiple dreams a night, but we can usually only remember one?

THE_A_TEEN 27

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Sunday 5 February 2012 11:43

...and that we forget about 90% of our dreams. That probably explains why you remember a dream familiar to some media outlet instead of some other alt. reality dream.