Today, the spiders in my house are so big that they catch wasps...

By Anonim23 - 15/8/2019 20:00

Today, the spiders in my house are so big that they catch wasps in their webs. FML

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Proactive

Instadrama

Overbearing much?

By Umwhat - 19/6/2019 02:01

Today, my boss wanted to talk to me. Nervous, I went to her office. Turns out that my coworkers talk about me behind my back, and my boss is worried about me. Apparently, I lie about my bad knees, and me wearing black leggings is horrible. Most of them wear sweatpants on a daily basis. FML

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By forever alone - 12/5/2013 21:09 - United Kingdom

Today, I was feeling down about being the only single person out of a group of eight friends. Out of desperation, I made up "Jonny", a hot fitness instructor whom I recently hooked up with. Now "Jonny" and I have been invited to a friends' night out. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2015 16:17 - Cyprus - Paphos

Today, a new employee started at our office. She's about 18, barely does any work, chews gum loudly, has no manners, and happens to sit right next to me. She also threatens to report me for harassment whenever I politely ask her to not bash my chair with the back of her chair. FML

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By f__k_it - 18/1/2009 16:30 - United States

Today, I decided to jack it a few times because I haven't been laid in a while. After round 3 my ex called me up and said she wanted to 'talk.' When she came over she made it abundantly clear that she wanted to make whoopie. Couldn't get it up. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2010 05:24 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me into the bathroom after he had been in there awhile. I found him with his pants down, looking at a pimple on his butt in the mirror. He asked me for "help". FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2015 18:43 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I explained to my sister that the reason she isn't getting job offers is probably because her résumé is in Comic Sans and contains TXT language and a lot of typos. She thanked me for my help by calling me a "clueless horse-fucker" and telling me to shut my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2013 01:11 - United States - Vancouver

Today, while researching tea etiquette for Sunday's tea, I read, "to put milk in your tea before sugar is to cross the path of love, perhaps never to marry." I suddenly panicked that this very lack of knowledge is why I haven't met a man who wants to marry me, and that I never will. I'm only 23. FML

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By lucywatson - 6/5/2016 19:06 - United Kingdom

Today, working as a veterinarian, I received a complaint from a client. He said I sucked at my job, purely because I implied he should have brought his severely ill cat in a lot sooner. Which he should have. FML

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By Noctium - 2/9/2020 14:08 - Australia - Bentley

Anxiety

Today, I realised exactly how bad my social anxiety has gotten when I had a panic attack watching someone ask someone else out on a fictional show. FML

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By NextAmericanIdol? - 8/8/2013 04:09 - United States - Bowie

Today, I had to put my little sister to bed. Usually my mom sings her a lullaby before she puts her to sleep, so I did too. After I finished the song, my sister looked me dead in the eyes and said, "This is why I tell people we aren't related." FML

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By gassy - 15/7/2015 11:15 - United States - Winter Garden

Today, whilst still trying to potty train my puppy and keep her from both peeing and pooping in the house, my lactose intolerance kicked in full fledge. Every time I pass gas, she smells poop and believes it's okay to immediately drop a deuce on the carpet. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/8/2020 05:01 - United States - Arbuckle

Countdown

Today, I broke my ankle trying to step over a pipe, but instead slipped and put all of my weight on my left ankle. I'm scheduled for surgery in 3 days, which will be my 1-month countdown to my due date. I'm 8 months pregnant. FML

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By cduttl1230 - 26/6/2010 00:30 - United States

Today, after getting my appendix taken out, we had to drive over five sets of railroad tracks. Then, my four year old brother decided to punch me in the stomach because, "I took away his mommy for two days." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2014 18:01 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was speeding home, bursting to take a crap. I pulled into my driveway and made it inside, before my wife told me the plumber was still working on our pipes. I ended up having to take a crap in my own backyard, behind a tree. FML

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By Rabite - 13/9/2016 11:22 - Germany

Today, I was on a business trip with a co-worker. We had to wait for the train, so I decided to browse a store in the train station while he waited outside. I then got a message on my cell phone, from my co-worker saying, "You are somewhere on this train, right?" FML

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By mikki bee - 30/12/2015 17:24 - United States - Reno

Today, I decided to start jogging and exercising, so I had a wonderful workout before work. Then I broke my foot at work. Goodbye exercising. FML

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By youdontknowmewhy - 29/6/2015 07:42 - United States - Keller

Today, I was called a selfish brat for asking for a pillow as my birthday present. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2011 07:42 - Australia

Today, I got home from work to find my house covered in graffiti dicks, the windows smashed, the front lawn entirely ripped up, and my letter box containing dog shit. I also found a note taped to the door saying, "Suck on this Darren". Darren is my next door neighbor. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/10/2011 23:25 - United States

Today, my dad took my phone away. This would be fine if I was 14. I'm 22 and pay for all of my own bills. FML

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By lindsey789 - 7/10/2010 04:21 - United States

Today, I was sitting in my room watching TV when I heard my mother obnoxiously yelling for the dog. Minutes later she stomped into my room, swatted me over the head, and yelled at me for not answering when she called. She actually got my name mixed up with the dog's. FML

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By Quackers - 11/4/2012 15:39 - United States - Denver

Today, while running in the park, I noticed some ducks in a pond. I stopped to look at them and began quacking at them, to see if they would react. This would have been OK had I not been wearing ear-buds, blasting music, making me unable to realize just how loud I was quacking. With people all around. FML

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By muggle68 - 10/12/2009 20:38 - United States

Today, was my birthday. I have been heavily hinting that I want an iPhone. I opened my present from my parents and found an iPhone box. Ecstatic, I quickly opened it. Apparently, my parents thought it would be funny to wrap my present, a $10 iTunes gift card, in the box my Dad's iPhone came in. FML

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By girlmeetsworld - 18/2/2009 23:27 - United States

Today, my four-year-old cousin gave me a hug, basically stuffing his face into my crotch. Then he pulled it out and said "Ew, that's stinky" in front of my entire class. FML

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By muffin - 16/7/2013 12:01 - Austria

Today, I baked strawberry muffins for my family, putting half a strawberry on each of them. Only when it was too late did I realize that they looked like extremely creepy breasts. FML

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By alejandro38 - 11/7/2010 14:44 - United States

Today, I had an interview. I didn't get the job because apparently customers might not understand me, since I "talk too good." I just graduated with an English degree. FML

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By Susan - 28/2/2012 11:55 - Canada

Today, I farted in front of my husband. It somehow turned into a farting war. Then I realized this is the closest we've come to intimacy in a week. FML

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By madbabynoel - 25/3/2016 15:06 - United States - Clovis

Today, my only friend got banned from my house, all because she kissed her boyfriend in front of me. I'm 16, but apparently I can't handle seeing a kiss. FML

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By Kevin - 12/4/2011 19:25

Today, while at an important meeting at work, I got to watch helplessly as a police officer gave me a parking meter ticket. Added to that my boss chewed me out for "never paying attention and staring out the window during meetings". FML

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By insultedguy - 3/1/2011 17:28 - Netherlands

Today, I went to the store and ran into an old friend that I hadn't seen in years. We chatted a little, and just as I was leaving he grabbed his mobile phone. Later, I added him on Facebook. Turns out the last thing he posted was a picture of my back saying: "Look who got even fatter." FML

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By thanks, dad... - 30/8/2013 17:24 - Romania - Baia Mare

Today, I was playing with my phone after midnight, and I kept getting calls from a withheld number. The guy just breathed heavily and wouldn't speak. When the third call came, I asked "who the hell are you?" The call ended, and my dad yelled from outside my door: "ME! Now go to sleep!" FML

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By Duckie W - 13/2/2009 01:24 - United States

Today, I was complaining to my sister about how jealous I was of her looks. Her response was "Sometimes it's okay to be the ugly sister. Like, you have less of a chance of getting raped." FML

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By gedderdunn - 24/5/2010 06:13 - Reserved

Today, I went on a first date, where my date managed to fall in a creek, take me to his house and measure my height, show me family pictures, and perform the Soulja Boy dance in his living room. All while wearing swim trunks because his pants were drying and he didn't have extras. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/6/2020 02:00

Freak out

Today, we ended the night with a yellow jacket queen trying to make a home in our apartment's kitchen. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had a rehearsal for a musical I'm in. I've worked my arse off to get the songs I sing in place and sounding good. Unfortunately, my coworkers haven't. Now the director wants to cut the songs I'm in because, "the people you're working with make you look shit." FML

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By theboy6494 - 10/8/2009 20:47 - United States

Today, I came home early from business trip in Paris, I bought an engagement ring. I was going to take my girlfriend of 2 years out and propose to her. I sneak into my house as a surprise and she's having it off with another man. Now I have a ring that I can only return in France. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2013 07:50 - United States - Tucson

Today, as I was leaving for my chemistry exam, I stepped on one of the countless sheets of chemistry notes that littered the floor following last night's studying. I managed to slip and knock myself out in my own living room. FML

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By stinky car - 16/8/2013 03:18 - United States - Bessemer

Today, I went on a new medicine. One of the listed side-effects was "anal seepage" and I spent the better part of the day laughing with my coworkers about how it's "not a real side-effect". I found out that it really is while stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic on the way home. FML

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By SeeingGreen - 8/5/2017 02:00 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my ex popped up as someone I might know as instagram, complete with his workout photos. My fiance is mad at me for showing these to my family, even though the consensus is that my ex looks like a condom stuffed with marbles. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2015 01:12 - United States

Today, while on a cruise that I paid for, I was forced to babysit my 5 bratty nieces while my sister and her deadbeat boyfriend relaxed in the kid free zone. FML

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By Tabby - 6/8/2011 20:39 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to tell my teenage son that no, his knowledge of the English language was not passed down to him genetically. FML

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Top comments

By timinator5000 | 28

#7832827 - Thursday 15 August 2019 20:16

isn't that a win? I'm not a fan of spiders but I like wasps even less

By DrSamba | 7

#7832842 - Thursday 15 August 2019 21:10

Why is that a bad thing? Better than letting the wasps go free. I'd say a better FML is why do you have wasps in your house?

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7832810 - Thursday 15 August 2019 20:01

White Anglo-Saxon Protestants?

Gosh!!!

By timinator5000 | 28

#7832827 - Thursday 15 August 2019 20:16

isn't that a win? I'm not a fan of spiders but I like wasps even less

By DrSamba | 7

#7832842 - Thursday 15 August 2019 21:10

Why is that a bad thing? Better than letting the wasps go free. I'd say a better FML is why do you have wasps in your house?

By what | 1

#7832894 - Thursday 15 August 2019 23:40

Antman?

By Mathalamus | 24

#7832924 - Friday 16 August 2019 1:45

I think that's a good thing.

By slowhandjp | 16

#7832931 - Friday 16 August 2019 3:10

I can't live in the house that has so big spiders in it🕷🕸because I'm a spiderphobia😱

By Sinshine | 27

#7832937 - Friday 16 August 2019 3:43

I'd rather have big spiders that don't do me any harm than wasps :o

By LadyRen | 20

#7832944 - Friday 16 August 2019 4:20

Time to move

By ViviMage | 38

#7832949 - Friday 16 August 2019 5:14

They are doing you a favor!

By idragosani | 7

#7833048 - Friday 16 August 2019 13:45

This is probably a good thing if you have wasps in your house.