Today, the girl I'd been seeing for a few weeks lost her mind...

By Anonymous - 12/6/2016 10:00 - Australia - Port Melbourne

Today, the girl I'd been seeing for a few weeks lost her mind and yanked my car's e-brake while we were on the highway. Why? Because I said I wasn't really interested in having kids. Guess I'll cross that relationship off as a "hell no". FML

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Love

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Live dumping

Business savvy

By nolips - 19/11/2009 15:53 - Norway

Today, my girlfriend woke up very early in terrible pain. I drove her to the hospital and fell asleep in the waiting area. When I woke up, my car was gone and it was 9am. She had assumed I just walked home (32 miles), so she took the car. I was the only one in the waiting area. FML

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By fourfootnine - 7/3/2011 13:47 - United States

Today, I discovered that I'm short enough to be legally considered a midget. My daughter now wants to bring me to school for show and tell. FML

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By ouch - 26/3/2011 02:27

Today, my cat fell into the bathtub while walking along the rim. This wouldn't have been so bad if I wasn't in it at the time, and if my skin was immune to being sliced open by a frantic kitty. FML

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By sifa - 10/4/2009 07:06 - Malaysia

Today, I went for a lunch interview for my dream job. The interview was great and at the end, I tried to seal the deal by complimenting my future boss. I said, "You're really hardworking. Do you always work on a Saturday?" He looked at me, smiled and then wrote something down. Today's Friday. FML

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By anonymous - 19/2/2015 16:06 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, whilst walking to a primary school to give pupils a lesson on cleanliness, I tripped and landed on a dog turd. FML

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By EricCartman - 20/5/2009 03:31 - United States

Today, I was riding the bus home from school. I was sitting by myself, and my backpack was occupying the seat next to me. A hot girl boarded the bus, and was standing right where I was sitting. I placed my backpack on my lap, freeing up the seat. The girl stood the entire bus ride. FML

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By 1thapp3ns - 10/1/2010 04:29 - United States

Today, I went to dinner with my mom and her new boyfriend. At the restaurant, while we were eating, he started clapping and singing "if you're happy and you know it." My mom joined in. And they sang loudly. Loud enough for the entire restaurant to go quiet and stare. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2011 05:34 - United States

Today, I found a note on my door that said "I masturbate to your pictures on Facebook." Someone else wrote "like" at the bottom. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2010 06:34 - Netherlands

Today, I came home sick. After a while I received a text message. I thought it was a sweet 'how are you baby?' from my boyfriend. It wasn't. He sent: 'Hey, I'm going to work now. Please do not disturb. Thank you!' FML

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By conchita - 10/2/2010 01:16 - United States

Today, I panicked when I felt a hard bump on the side of my stomach. I thought I had appendicitis. Turns out it was my ab muscles. I've been overweight so long I didn't know what they felt like. FML

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By wipeoffincircles - 27/5/2017 03:00 - United States - Gresham

Today, at work, my manager thought I needed to be showed how to use Windex. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2009 04:10 - United States

Today, I was taking a shower outside at my fiancé's beach house. I was struggling to take my bikini bottoms off so I started to walk backwards to step out of it. Little did I know that I had pushed the door open. My fiancé, his family, and my family all saw me bend over naked. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2009 04:32 - United States

Today, my cat ran outside. As I ran around the side of my house to get her, I felt a gigantic spiderweb land on my face. I also felt a light thud on my eye and it started to tear up. I ran inside and looked in a mirror, the spider was in my eye. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2009 11:15 - United States

Today, after sleeping with a guy I met at a party, I woke up to find him peeing in the corner of my room on my roommate's carpet. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2020 05:00

Stained

Today, I found out that my wife's dog had peed on my side of the bed, while I was sleeping. I thought I had just drooled in my sleep, until I noticed it had turned yellow during the day. FML

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By FMLdude - 18/8/2013 23:23 - Australia - Bexley

Today, I accidentally hit an elderly man while driving. The police came, and five minutes later I was told that he confessed to walking in the middle of the road to get hit and claim compensation. He was fine, but I still got charged for hitting a pedestrian. FML

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By Scarred Nephew - 10/5/2016 22:28 - United States - Allen

Today, I surprise-visited my uncle after not seeing him for 4 years because of college. When he opened the door to his house, he was wearing Crocs. Of course, that would have been completely fine if it weren't for the fact that they were the only thing he was wearing. FML

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By mystermoon - 25/6/2019 16:00

Today, at my job in a pet store, my boss had me pull all the bags of food out and restock them so that they sat pretty. Five minutes later, the store is full of people. My manager screamed, "They're touching things!" and locked himself in the office with a cup of tea. He has the only open register. FML

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By KitchenFlooder - 1/2/2018 01:30

Today, I flooded my entire kitchen. The water was cut off at night and I left the faucet open without realizing. When the sound woke me up at 5am, the water reached my ankles. I frantically tried to sweep it out before my mother woke up at 6am. I didn't make it. FML

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By beaverless - 2/5/2011 20:26 - United States

Today, my girlfriend kindly broke the news to me that she doesn't want to take part in sexual activity anymore because it is getting too boring. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2010 21:41 - United States

Today, I did a 'dine and dash' and left my phone in the restaurant. The owner answered my phone call. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2019 20:00

That's kinda handy!

Today, my boyfriend and I found out that we were cheating on each other with the same person. FML

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By Firewielder - 11/2/2015 02:26 - United States - Midland

Today, I found out the only reason my parents want me to live with them is because of the tax refund. FML

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By BAMashleyx3 - 6/6/2019 06:07

Today, my dad texted me while I was in the dentist's chair getting my teeth cleaned. The dental hygienist jumped at the notification sound my phone made and split my gum open. FML

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By jnr1234 - 20/6/2012 02:15 - United States - Princeton

Today, I was sent a letter by the vet, saying my cat was late for her yearly checkup. My cat died last week and I'd had her cremated by the same people who had sent the letter. FML

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By Alex - 8/5/2016 19:12 - United States

Today, after spending $120 to have a bouquet of flowers delivered to my mom, she called to complain that I had forgotten about her for Mother's day, but also praise my sister for apparently receiving my flowers I sent at the door and passing them off as hers. FML

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By John Brown - 24/7/2018 15:00

Today, my roommate told me that I have to find a new place to live because I make his new girlfriend uncomfortable. I just had surgery and am bedridden. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2019 06:03

I am the law

Today I got a ticket for driving on the wrong side of the road. It was a one-way street. FML

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By Rusty - 18/6/2015 02:07 - United States - New City

Today, I'm actually starting to miss my former heroin addict neighbor because of how mellow he was compared to my new neighbors. FML

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By LeoCor - 27/8/2018 20:30

Today, and for the past 2 weeks, I've had a massive pain in my throat. It went down for a while with antibiotics, but when it came back I had to go to the hospital for an emergency surgery. There was a 3cm abscess growing in my throat. Happy birthday to me! FML

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By asshole - 19/4/2020 20:00

Doing his part

Today, I found out that while I was at my job as an "essential" employee, my laid-off boyfriend was at home banging the landlord's daughter. FML

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By DravensMommy - 6/8/2009 19:22 - United States

Today, I woke up with a black eye. Why? My husband was having a dream where he was fighting somebody and wound up punching me in the face in his sleep. I had a very important job interview this morning. FML

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By CoolStoryBro - 29/3/2013 08:23

Today, while I was at work, I was on the verge of tears. My coworker asked what was wrong and I explained that I recently had to put my dog down. He then replied, "Cool story, bro. Tell it again." FML

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By JennieA - 26/12/2011 23:36

Today, I woke up to all 4 of my wheels stolen from my car. The thieves were kind enough to leave the car resting on wooden blocks and bricks. FML

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By anonymous - 6/11/2010 22:37 - Canada

Today, while cuddling with my boyfriend in the dark, he grabbed onto a fat roll and asked, "Is this your stomach or boob?" I didn't have the heart to tell him it was a back roll. FML

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By Wtf - 10/2/2017 15:00 - United States - Peoria

Today, I was asked to babysit for a family that attends the daycare I work at. All of my coworkers warned me that they were rough kids but I shrugged it off. As soon as the parents left, the 7-year-old girl said, "Oh good now I can focus on death and my plans". FML

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By Samantha35 - 28/1/2019 20:00

Today, I was substitute teaching a high school English class. A student discreetly told me that my zipper was open. I tried to zip up, but the zipper got caught on my underwear. When I bent down to pick up my pen, my pants split. Before I turn around, I heard the sound of phones taking pictures. FML

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By ... - 4/1/2014 05:25 - United States

Today, I wrote a text to the guy I've had a crush on for two years. I typed "hey" and put my phone down, not ready to send it. A little while later, I heard it buzz. The reply said "Um... what?" Apparently my sister had added "I'm a shitty prostitute" to my text and sent it. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/2/2016 02:45 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I was threatened to be held back because of the lack of teacher-parent communication. My parents refuse to sign my report card because of my one mark below ninety percent. My teacher was dead serious about failing me. FML

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By Aleial - 19/11/2011 08:20 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend's "therapy" meetings have been with my best friend, in his truck. FML

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Top comments

By meatloaf11 | 23

#6626908 - Monday 13 June 2016 1:38

Time to pull the e-break on your relationship.

By bradleybaldwin | 9

#6626911 - Monday 13 June 2016 1:44

Bitch put both your lives in danger.

Comments

By Shawn2095 | 18

#6626907 - Monday 13 June 2016 1:38

Dude. Run.

holyshmolly | 13

#6627168 - Monday 13 June 2016 10:04

Or ditch her and drive away!

By meatloaf11 | 23

#6626908 - Monday 13 June 2016 1:38

Time to pull the e-break on your relationship.

By bradleybaldwin | 9

#6626911 - Monday 13 June 2016 1:44

Bitch put both your lives in danger.

DoomedGemini | 37

#6626949 - Monday 13 June 2016 2:33

And others

crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6627045 - Monday 13 June 2016 5:29

Because he might not be interested in having kids... especially at this stage of the relationship. So what?!?! Nut job

By XSeraphinX | 18

#6626912 - Monday 13 June 2016 1:44

Clearly a huge red flag. Glad you're getting away from her.

By Teyros | 24

#6626914 - Monday 13 June 2016 1:46

Better get out before she gets a hold of your e brake.
(A for effort?)

SecundusSecunda | 27

#6626929 - Monday 13 June 2016 1:59

I rate it 5/7
Well done, #5

Teyros | 24

#6626936 - Monday 13 June 2016 2:14

Thanks bud. It's a life of approval from others.

withered | 30

#6627124 - Monday 13 June 2016 8:16

Stop trying to make 5/7 happen. It's not going to happen. Don't know why people were impressed by that bad excuse of a "trolling".

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6627250 - Monday 13 June 2016 13:23

I was tempted to post my confusion on what 5/7 is supposed to mean, but after some consulting with UrbanDictionary, it seems like 5/7 is indeed every bit as stupid as 32 says it is.

By iiTzNeeNerz | 26

#6626918 - Monday 13 June 2016 1:48

That's a quick way to put a stop to a relationship.

lilchica22001 | 22

#6627158 - Monday 13 June 2016 9:49

I see whatcha did there and I'm likin it!

AverageAvarice | 23

#6627783 - Tuesday 14 June 2016 6:58

Press the like button quietly please.

By tigerisabelle | 31

#6626920 - Monday 13 June 2016 1:51

Jeez, that escaladed quickly. That girl would have driven you crazy. It's obvious she's got no idea when to put on the brakes. Don't reverse your decision; push the pedal down and speed outta there. You auto know when to get out.

By emeraldarcher74 | 30

#6626927 - Monday 13 June 2016 1:57

Run fast, run hard.

By chosha_fml | 25

#6626930 - Monday 13 June 2016 2:00

Scary that psycho might being having kids with anyone.

By InfiniteSunshine | 32

#6626932 - Monday 13 June 2016 2:07

Oh you don't want to have kids, well let's just potentially kill us both then, cause that will solve everything. Seriously, what the hell goes through these types of peoples' minds?