Intimacy: Today, the person I was seeing asked to be just friends. A few...

By genderless - 17/10/2016 19:34 - South Africa - Pretoria

Today, the person I was seeing asked to be just friends. A few hours later, they tried to talk me into having sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 152

You deserved it 1 274

Intimacy

Hiding from the drama

Another great day to be alive

Compromises

By Swabidizop - 18/05/2015 20:40 - United States - Greeley

Today, I had the most rancid fart. My dog woke up from his nap and bit me as punishment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 988

You deserved it 8 025

By RequilaRainbow - 26/01/2012 07:34 - Canada

Today, while waiting outside a liquor store for my boyfriend, a drunk guy leaned over my shoulder, took a large bite out of my burger, and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 629

You deserved it 4 309

By Lauren - 08/09/2010 23:13 - Australia

Today, a little girl asked me how I could be so fat and still have small boobs. Great question. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 564

You deserved it 8 127

By Curt - 06/09/2009 18:19 - United States

Today, I discovered that I don't have Herpes or Genital warts. I have acne on my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 796

You deserved it 9 382

By HT BaaFly - 07/09/2011 15:08 - United Kingdom

Today, after months of unemployment, my only social interaction was with my postman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 182

You deserved it 5 396

By cuntocracy - 21/01/2014 22:27 - Australia

Today, my brother asked me if I wanted to see a magic trick. I stupidly said yes and now have a black eye from where he punched me. My dad thinks it's hilarious and my mum says he didn't know any better. He's 13. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 138

You deserved it 6 041

By regretter - 01/03/2011 01:07

Today, I paid €100 to have a tube shoved down my genitals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 894

You deserved it 7 748

By BadLuck - 27/10/2013 14:30 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I went to the doctor to see why my walking pneumonia wasn't getting any better. It had. I've just somehow managed to also contract mono... while sitting home, alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 840

You deserved it 2 768

By Anonymous - 21/01/2015 11:57 - United States - Howell

Today, I babysat an 11 year old kid while his parents ate out. As soon as they left, the kid asked me if I wanted to be on the sex offender's list. Before I could even process that, he told me to stay out of his way and he wouldn't accuse me of anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 727

You deserved it 2 634

Uncertainty

By pat - 21/05/2009 13:06 - United States

Today, my parents bought me a wine glass with "Who needs a man?" painted all over it. Cute, until after dinner my mom looked me in the eyes and asked with complete sincerity, "Kara, are you gay?" My parents tried to get me to come out. I'm straight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 617

You deserved it 3 614

By Anonymous - 25/04/2010 10:00 - Australia

Today, I was expecting a call from my friend. The phone rang and I answered with "WANK!!" as a joke. It wasn't my friend on the phone, it was my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 689

You deserved it 44 402

Go vegan

By Done - 24/11/2020 05:02 - Italy

Today, my roommate decided to go vegan and threw all of MY meats, cheeses, chocolates and even beans for some reason in the trash, because he "doesn't need that kind of toxic waste" in his life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 971

You deserved it 67

By gunman - 20/10/2009 04:57 - United States

Today, I was showing my friend's dad an airsoft gun I was hoping he would be interested in buying. It's a pistol worth about 90 bucks. In the midst of showing him, I thought it would be funny to do a fake, upwards "pistol whip". The mag ended up flying out full speed and hitting him in the eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 920

You deserved it 45 129

By seekerglow176 - 27/04/2013 12:42 - United States - Natick

Today, I had to go to the emergency room with my sister, due to involuntary muscle spasms she was having. They gave her a muscle relaxer which caused her to be extremely tired and loopy. She decided to start singing loudly with a song she made up about butt fucking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 832

You deserved it 5 125

On the can

By Mortified - 31/03/2020 14:00

Today, I was using the bathroom at Costco when a janitor forced my door open so she could mop, then didn't bother to close it again. Apparently, the handicapped stall was too big for her to see me sitting in the corner, and I had to awkwardly squat-walk all the way to the door to close it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 740

You deserved it 171

Old soul

By Olivia - 09/08/2021 20:01 - Australia

Today, I was asked if I had children who are in high school. I’m 17. This isn't the first time someone has mistaken me for a woman in her twenties. FML

I agree, your life sucks 733

You deserved it 143

By Dhagiik - 24/02/2017 18:00 - United States - Oak Park

Today, I walked into the bathroom at work, and in the stall next to me I could hear someone pleasuring himself. I decided to let my boss know what was going on, but it turns out that it was my boss in the stall next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 033

You deserved it 1 089

Ambien conversations are the worst

By Anonymous - 24/09/2020 23:02

Today, my close friend messaged me, asking if she could still move in. I don't remember the conversation we had saying that she could move in in the first place. I live in a one bedroom apartment. I have no idea what to say. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 101

You deserved it 176

By pinkfreak94 - 13/10/2012 13:38 - United States - Norwalk

Today, I kissed a boy for the first time in over a year. It was at drama club practice, and he quickly ended up asking the director if we could remove that scene from the play. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 704

You deserved it 2 700

By Noname - 07/02/2009 20:42 - United States

Today, my mom was telling me a funny story about when I was young. So I said 'yeah I was funny huh?' She replied 'Yep, I had a funny one and a pretty one'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 497

You deserved it 2 628

By person123abc - 09/12/2010 05:35 - United States

Today, I sat in my room on the computer instead of attending the party of the year. I got kicked out because I wasn't invited. The party was in my back yard, hosted by my brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 296

You deserved it 4 119

By SilverAuthor - 29/07/2016 22:53 - United States - Detroit

Today, I slipped money into my mother's purse after she refused to let me pay for lunch. She caught me in the act and thought I was stealing money from her instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 279

You deserved it 2 040

By Emil - 20/11/2011 21:42 - United States

Today, I was caught stealing a video game. I realized after my parents were called that the case was actually empty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 058

You deserved it 89 977

By Thisismylife - 26/01/2015 06:55 - Canada

Today, I had pizza for lunch. Later, I passed out in front of a customer. Now I get to explain to my boss that I fainted on the job because of heartburn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 143

You deserved it 4 284

By Anonymous - 24/01/2015 20:26 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my husband came home, drunk and with lipstick smeared on his face. When I confronted him about it, he just slurred, "Ah don't worry babe, it ain't mine." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 133

You deserved it 2 929

By Rachel - 12/02/2016 06:26 - United States - Burton

Today, I found out that every time my boyfriend has cutely joked about my clothes not matching while we're just lounging around the house, he's really been hoping I would catch on that he thinks I look like a slob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 000

You deserved it 3 728

By Anonymous - 12/04/2009 18:11 - United States

Today, I woke up to find The Sims 2 running on pause on my laptop. I unpaused to find my character and my boyfriend's were no longer together. Slightly confused, I went on to find the note my boyfriend left. It said, "I hope you can take a hint." I got dumped through a computer game. FML

I agree, your life sucks 90 325

You deserved it 5 816

By Anonymous - 20/05/2009 15:11 - United States

Today, I went to my girlfriend's Catholic all girls high school to ask her to prom by decorating her car. As soon as I walked on campus the school went into lock down because of a "suspicious male intruder." When I saw my girlfriend, she denied knowing me. I was arrested. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 616

You deserved it 7 452

By gs - 19/09/2011 10:16 - United States

Today, I pulled one of my favorite hoodies out of my closet, and immediately noticed several large stains on it. Apparently, my dad had managed to open a hole in the roof and couldn't be bothered to patch it, so a squirrel got in and used my closet as a litter box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 007

You deserved it 2 192

By Anonymous - 20/06/2019 16:30

Today, I got on a crowded bus and was forced to stand. The bus made a sharp turn, so I reached for a pole to hold onto. Without looking, I grabbed the pole. It was wet and moist, but I nonetheless held on until the turn was done. I turned to see I had also grabbed a large man's nose and had squeezed it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 195

You deserved it 837

By Anonymous - 15/11/2010 21:31 - Ireland

Today, I accidentally left my sister's hamster's cage open and it escaped. My dad recently put mouse traps down. Guess where I found her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 873

You deserved it 34 765

By nevergettingajob - 22/02/2012 18:10 - Canada

Today, after handing in my resume to get a part-time job, I tried leaving, but the door wouldn't open. It was the "in" door. The person I gave my resume to had to slowly explain this to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 041

You deserved it 25 785

By Dasani - 16/02/2009 23:57 - United States

Today, I was complaining to my mom about how my sister looked like a barbie doll next to me. I was saying how she was so tan and her hair looked awesome next to mine. She paused for a while and then said "Well you're pretty on the inside." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 393

You deserved it 8 974

By where's the epipen - 23/10/2016 06:41 - United States - Tampa

Today, I accidentally stepped on a dead bee. The stinger was still intact. How do I know? It stung my foot. I'm allergic to bees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 767

You deserved it 872

By millie219 - 13/08/2012 15:20 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, my mother screamed at my boyfriend, calling him an "evil piece of self-centred trash". He's a sweet guy who does volunteer work for kids with learning difficulties. She's a bitter, passive-aggressive telemarketer who constantly harasses her own family with sales calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 304

You deserved it 2 171

By kat, ACT - 20/12/2009 14:37 - United States

Today, while driving, we pulled up at a set of traffic lights next to a huge truck with live animals inside. Curious as to exactly what animal, I wound down my window to see if I could hear them, just in time for the truck to take off and cow shit to fly in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 430

You deserved it 11 629

Phantom pooper

By Anonymous - 12/11/2020 17:02 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, all of my roommates were home. I really had to poop all day but the bathroom was being hogged. Once I finally got the chance to go, I guess the toilet didn't flush all the way and I didn't notice. The other roommates loudly asked each other who it was, and they all started loudly taking about me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 639

You deserved it 378

By Ew?Really? - 04/08/2014 05:42 - United States - Montrose

Today, my husband was disgusted by me expressing breast milk while we were in the shower together. This is the same man who thinks it's funny to pee on my legs because, "It'll wash off." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 003

You deserved it 4 970

By Pk45 - 11/11/2011 15:37 - United Kingdom

Today, my young son wanted to rent some movie with talking animals in it for us to watch together. I couldn't say no, but talking animal movies freak me out big time, I either start to cry or feel nauseous. Especially ones with dogs. What is wrong with me? FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 858

You deserved it 8 238

By ilana - 10/02/2012 09:51 - United States

Today, I was working at my day-camp, and one of my little boys told me he had to show me something important. He proudly showed me that he'd crapped his pants. I had to wipe his ass clean. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 335

You deserved it 3 330

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Top comments

Tripartita 44

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Saturday 29 October 2016 13:35

"As much as I appreciate the offer, would you mind doing it yourself? You know, like, go fuck yourself."

vicfirthfan 11

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Saturday 29 October 2016 13:32

that's when you calmly explain to them that you're just friends now. Do it with a smile so it's insulting, since they insulted you with that bs

2013bchan41 20

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Saturday 29 October 2016 13:03

Well you can be friends with benefits then ;)

Tripartita 44

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Saturday 29 October 2016 13:13

I hope they cover dental.

BiGTiMeNeRD 29

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Saturday 29 October 2016 23:17

No, definitely oral though.

Cow_Girl_Lilly 24

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Saturday 29 October 2016 13:31

You can find someone better OP!! Someone who won't want you for sex... Unless that's what you want.

Qandol 26

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Saturday 29 October 2016 14:45

Seriously? maybe you should reread the FML again.

MamaChey 22

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Saturday 29 October 2016 20:52

Thank you, Dr. Phil

vicfirthfan 11

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Saturday 29 October 2016 13:32

that's when you calmly explain to them that you're just friends now. Do it with a smile so it's insulting, since they insulted you with that bs

Earl_KarmasBitch 29

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Sunday 30 October 2016 5:37

And if you want to rub extra salt into the wound, you ask him to set you up with his good-looking friend since that's what friends do for each other.

Tripartita 44

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Saturday 29 October 2016 13:35

"As much as I appreciate the offer, would you mind doing it yourself? You know, like, go fuck yourself."

Rarepepes 4

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Saturday 29 October 2016 14:09

They?

Mynxie 26

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Saturday 29 October 2016 14:55

The OP does not wish to identify the gender of the ex or of themself. In the case, they is used as a singular, instead of plural.

Tripartita 44

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Saturday 29 October 2016 21:32

No. If you find such a simple thing "confusing and stupid", I think you're in need of the mental workout. No pain, no gain.

Rarepepes 4

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Sunday 30 October 2016 7:41

I meant they as in there were multiple people asking OP

trollcrusher 17

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Sunday 30 October 2016 23:07

@31 Everybody knows what you meant, and that's why you're getting flak for it. Taken in context, the form of "they" being used was crystal clear.

RichardPencil 30

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Saturday 29 October 2016 14:21

All the sex, none of the commitment. Nice work if you can get it.

polsen4273 8

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Saturday 29 October 2016 21:25

Sounds like a good deal.

TheyCallMeDamien 17

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Saturday 29 October 2016 15:50

You dodged a bullet. Be thankful.

Darkreign333 23

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Saturday 29 October 2016 20:24

I hope you said no because you didn't want to ruin the friendship.

TheAprilWitch 21

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Sunday 30 October 2016 4:33

Great response

tibtak_fml 10

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Saturday 29 October 2016 20:45

"THEY tried to talk me into having sex"?!?

trollcrusher 17

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Sunday 30 October 2016 0:35

Yeah... you know, "they", a common pronoun used to refer to a person of unspecified sex?

DataWog 29

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Tuesday 1 November 2016 11:29

English is such a frustrating language when it comes to unspecified genders.

kalebaby 9

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Saturday 29 October 2016 21:07

I mean at least your not with him anymore seems like a douche

Zebediabolical 39

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Saturday 29 October 2016 21:59

OP used "the person I was seeing" and 'they". OP also has a username of "genderless". So we can't assume it's a 'him'.

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 17

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40

You deserved it 19

Spicy

Today, I found out my husband has to take Viagra to get it up with me. He never needed it with his ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 538

You deserved it 152

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 806

You deserved it 240

Uncertainty

Go vegan

On the can

Old soul

Ambien conversations are the worst

Phantom pooper

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