Miscellaneous: Today, I was trying to get my girlfriend to speak Mandarin. After... - FML

12/06/2016 12:37 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I was trying to get my girlfriend to speak Mandarin. After speaking her first words and taking a break, she posted on Facebook: "I speak ching chong! :D :D :D" FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 510

You deserved it 2 156

Weird reason to leave, but OK

Dementia or hate? You decide

Our house, in the middle of our street

10/08/2012 23:16 - United States - Houston

Today, my new boss, the CEO's son, finally showed up for work, three days late and right after lunch break. His first order of business was to call a meeting and scream at everyone for not having a diet latte waiting for him on his desk. God help us all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 980

You deserved it 1 769

29/03/2013 11:12 - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, I spent the whole night and day painting a portrait of my girlfriend. Being proud of it, I sent it to her hoping she would appreciate it. I spent hours working on that picture only for her to reply with, "That's not me, is it?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 800

You deserved it 4 505

17/08/2009 13:50 - United States

Today, I slept in late and when I woke up, thought I was the only one in the house so I decided to walk around the corner to the only upstairs bathroom naked. My dad also slept in, also thought he was the only one in the house, and also decided to walk to the bathroom naked. We collided. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 223

You deserved it 14 874

Good job

By thanks Toby dumbfuck - 13/07/2020 14:02

Today, my roommate read an article about unplugging appliances to save on electricity. Too bad the fucking moron also unplugged the fridge. We came home to a corpse-like stench and a fridge full of moldy food. We were gone for two weeks while the sludge marinated in the California heat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 080

You deserved it 188

28/08/2010 04:56 - United States

Today, I was taking care of a friend's hamster. Thinking the hamster wanted to make a bed, I put some cotton balls in his cage so he would be comfy. He promptly ate them and died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 140

You deserved it 42 123

19/08/2019 02:00 - United States

Today, I was at a soccer game when some guys walking behind me yelled that I had a nice ass. I then heard someone shout, "Hey, assholes. That's my daughter." He yelled at them for quite a while. He wasn't my dad, just some weird dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 507

You deserved it 397

13/09/2009 02:35 - United States

Today, I accidentally left the tag on the new pants that I wore to work. Nobody had brought it to my attention for the whole day until finally, before I was about to go home, every single employee and my boss let me know by yelling in unison and laughing as I left the building. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 167

You deserved it 7 740

06/11/2009 19:48 - Canada

Today, my guidance counselor told me that I did a really good job playing someone who was really airheaded in my school's play. I wasn't trying to act like an airhead, the director told me that I got cast for the part because the character I was playing was "just like me". FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 804

You deserved it 6 654

23/12/2013 08:24 - United States

Today, a guy punched me in the subway for staring at his girlfriend. I had dark glasses on, and was fast asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 752

You deserved it 3 605

29/04/2016 17:05 - United States - Vernon

Today, my doctor said I "might" have an enlarged heart and an irregular heartbeat. It "could" be seriously life-threatening and I "should" go to a specialist for further tests. My insurance refuses to cover my consultation with the specialist because the doctor's wording is too uncertain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 355

You deserved it 1 269

23/01/2016 05:25 - United States - Tucson

Today, I woke up after a two-day drive to go to my cousin's wedding. The view is beautiful, there's mountains everywhere, and my new backless dress is gorgeous. Too bad the hotel has bed bugs and my whole body is entirely covered in bright red bumps. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 444

You deserved it 1 561

15/11/2013 09:45 - United Kingdom - Bicester

Today, I made eye contact with a cute guy from across a packed train. He then yelled out, in front of everyone, "You've got foam on your nose!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 347

You deserved it 4 027

16/01/2013 07:52

Today, I came home to find my girlfriend crying. Concerned, I quickly asked her what was wrong. She told me tearfully that she couldn't understand why her pet lizards hadn’t grown into dinosaurs yet, and that pet store had cheated her. I’m still concerned now, but for entirely different reasons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 493

You deserved it 4 331

09/11/2009 05:05 - United States

Today, my boyfriend tried to be romantic by dipping me backwards and kissing me. He dropped me on my butt and stepped on my hand while trying to help me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 238

You deserved it 5 093

15/08/2013 19:04 - New Zealand - Dunedin

Today, I had an awful day and angrily threw a glass at the wall. Needless to say, I didn't feel like cleaning it up, and I took a nap, intending to do it later. I thought I would remember the bits of glass everywhere when I woke up. I didn't, but my feet soon did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 557

You deserved it 66 489

02/07/2014 17:01 - United States - Lilburn

Spicy

Today, I sent my boyfriend a picture of my boobs. I quickly found out that I'd accidentally sent it to my sister instead. She sent me one back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 707

You deserved it 29 213

30/08/2016 20:32 - United States - San Marcos

Today, I met my new upstairs neighbors and their 4 kids all under the age of 6. I met them due to all the thudding upstairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 850

You deserved it 877

Weird

By not the scalpel - 15/09/2012 07:36 - United States - Paso Robles

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend called out the word "scalpel" when he orgasmed. He won't tell me why. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 516

You deserved it 3 068

19/12/2012 14:59 - Australia - Perth

Today, someone painted the "Dark Mark" on the side of my car. It won't come off and my kids refuse to get in because it means "a wizard died in there." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 513

You deserved it 4 081

26/08/2009 13:34 - United States

Today, I thought it would have been funny to cut off my friend's rat-tail. He thought it would be funny to put a brick through my windshield. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 661

You deserved it 117 201

16/08/2011 04:54 - United States

Today, my mom showed up completely hammered to a party I was throwing. The party was to celebrate the ten years that I've been sober. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 275

You deserved it 2 872

Adding insult to injury

By Anonymous - 01/09/2021 13:01

Today, working on an ambulance, we had an elderly man who was obviously scared, so to get his mind off things I made small talk. When I went to ask if he was retired, it came out as, "so Steve, are you retarded?" My partner/supervisor across from me had tears running down her face from trying not to laugh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 875

You deserved it 180

07/08/2019 16:00

Today, I woke up to my drunk mom trying to pee in the dresser drawer of our hotel, with my clothes in it. I woke up right in time to yell at her. Pants down and all. She started denying there were even clothes in there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 647

You deserved it 96

30/04/2009 02:11 - United States

Today, I met my paternal grandfather for the first time. I’ve spent the last three months tracking him down. I poured my heart out and told about how much this meant to me. He told me I had a nice rack and asked for a cigarette. FML

I agree, your life sucks 89 102

You deserved it 8 814

30/08/2009 15:22 - Canada

Today, I was brushing my teeth in my bathroom. As I looked in the mirror I spotted a zit on my forehead. Keeping my toothbrush in my mouth, I quickly lean in towards the mirror to pop the pimple meanwhile lodging my toothbrush down my throat. I temporarily can't talk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 738

You deserved it 44 124

03/10/2012 08:07 - United States - Saukville

Today, at work, I got to wait on one of those tables where everyone had very complex orders, and some of them sent their food back. When the time finally came for me to bring them their check and receive my well-earned tip, I returned only to discover that they'd dined and dashed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 250

You deserved it 2 106

27/06/2018 15:00

Today, I got a phone call. I thought it was just one of these toll free numbers that were always calling so when I answered the phone, I said, “City morgue: you stab 'em, we slab 'em! How may I help you?” It was my college calling to discuss my grades. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 867

You deserved it 3 663

03/02/2016 18:14 - United States - Santa Clara

Today, after finding out that my professor likes to talk trash about, and constantly belittle, Muslims in every American History class he teaches, I submitted an essay about Muslim contributions to humanity. He held me back after class and asked why I gave him such filth. I'm a Muslim. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 319

You deserved it 5 025

08/08/2016 13:58

Today, I had a terrible stomach ache and had some pretty bad gas at work. I tried to head down to the basement for a while to allow my coworkers to continue in peace. About an hour after I came back up, my boss called pest control due to the horrible smell that "must be dead rats". FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 440

You deserved it 1 281

07/08/2015 00:29 - United States

Today, I got fired from my part-time job, because I insisted on keeping my phone in my pocket and never using it, instead of putting it in locker without a lock or security camera, that anyone can go through. The manager found out by searching my locker for the past 3 weeks. Ironic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 229

You deserved it 2 364

22/05/2015 18:17 - United Kingdom - Romford

Spicy

Today, I checked my son's browser history, as he's been acting strangely around his computer recently. I found several bizarre Google searches, including but not limited to: "unicorn dick-farts", "sharting kittens", and "can you get AIDS from Asians?" What the fuck is wrong with him? FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 239

You deserved it 5 093

06/02/2011 07:37 - United States

Today, I learned that standing next to a hobo doesn't make me look better in comparison, but instead just makes me seem like a hobo as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 048

You deserved it 30 959

16/02/2016 07:39 - Australia - Balwyn North

Spicy

Today, during an unrelated appointment with my GP, he offered me a free check for chlamydia. Despite me reassuring him that I was STI free, he insisted that I should undergo the test. I ended up agreeing, only because I was too embarrassed to admit that I'm still a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 241

You deserved it 5 110

19/12/2015 14:30 - Australia - Hurstville

Today, I spent the only money I had left for lunch only to take two bites before a seagull snatched my burger from my hands. I had to shamefully start walking back to work with a pair of girls laughing at me and an empty stomach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 220

You deserved it 1 829

29/08/2009 01:44 - United States

Today, I got a call from the Sheriff's dept. saying that water was coming out my front door. I ran home to find a waterfall cascading over my covered parking. It turns out my puppy had chewed through the hose that connects the toilet to the water. My entire condo had an inch of standing water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 529

You deserved it 4 963

10/11/2012 06:51 - United States

Today, my dog and I were sitting on the couch. I went to the bathroom, came back, and saw him walk over the remote, which caused the TV to change to the Hustler channel, just a few moments before my girlfriend walked through the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 080

You deserved it 3 633

15/05/2019 14:08

Today, my landlord, due to a past of being an asshole and now enhanced with dementia, suddenly jumped down my throat for parking incorrectly in the driveway, because there's no room for their two cars. He hasn't had two cars in a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 647

You deserved it 139

05/01/2014 05:30 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I was at a basketball game. Sitting in the bleachers, I looked over at my friend and said, "Number 33 has a really cute butt." The man in front of us turned around, looked me dead in the eye, and said, "Thanks." Number 33's dad was a very proud father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 658

You deserved it 14 046

16/07/2012 14:38 - United States

Today, my neighbors are moving. As we were saying our goodbyes, their 12-year-old son approached and thanked me for the times I forgot to shut the blinds and he watched me change. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 208

You deserved it 29 304

06/06/2013 08:49 - United States

Today, I went to the gym for the first time in a while. I was doing upper body workouts and decided to ask a very large man to spot me while I did bench presses. As he stood over me, I saw two beads of sweat roll off his nose. One hit me on the cheek. The other landed in my open mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 195

You deserved it 8 525

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Top comments

Teyros 24

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Monday 13 June 2016 1:44

Is Ching Chong English for Mandarin?

bradleybaldwin 9

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Monday 13 June 2016 1:42

I think it's pretty funny, but I'd be embarrassed if she posted that on social media

Comments

bradleybaldwin 9

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Monday 13 June 2016 1:42

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Monday 13 June 2016 18:23

Never understood why racism against eastern asian people was considered so hilarious... If someone learning an African language was to write "I speak n***** :D :D :D" on their fb, they'd get a pretty bad reaction (which is right)

bradleybaldwin 9

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Monday 13 June 2016 18:49

Idk, sorry

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Tuesday 14 June 2016 7:01

its alright bud i thought it was funny also.

Teyros 24

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Monday 13 June 2016 1:44

Is Ching Chong English for Mandarin?

lux0rd 18

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Monday 13 June 2016 2:10

No. Ching Chong is ignorance for Mandarin

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Monday 13 June 2016 3:19

Yep! :)

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Monday 13 June 2016 5:01

普通话

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Monday 13 June 2016 8:18

How is it ignorance?

Seabass_Chan 33

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Monday 13 June 2016 8:24

Because that's an insulting term for it, obviously.

MikaykayUnicorn 36

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Monday 13 June 2016 8:35

#33 is right. How is an insulting term that's normally used in a racist way ignorant? (before I get rained with thumbs down, it's obviously sarcasm.)

Zilten 10

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Monday 13 June 2016 19:26

I think you mean Engrish ;)

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Friday 9 September 2016 18:19

Only in the Mandarin to Racist dictionary

tigerisabelle 31

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Monday 13 June 2016 1:49

I'm not sure what's worse, the "ching chong" insult, or the use of 3 ":D" faces. But I think I'll go with the latter.

LyricaSilvan 29

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Monday 13 June 2016 4:25

Agreed. The only thing worse than ignorance is being pleased about your ignorance.

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Monday 13 June 2016 1:54

What's Mandarin for "facepalm"?

Aky0n 10

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Monday 13 June 2016 1:55

Ching Chong

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Monday 13 June 2016 6:25

无语了

MiaTheMartian 21

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Monday 13 June 2016 1:54

At least she didn't call the waiter a bitch

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Monday 13 June 2016 3:18

I think I'd rather be called a bitch

aesthetic umbrella 18

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Monday 13 June 2016 3:35

I love it when people reference an FML to another recent FML.

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Monday 13 June 2016 1:57

I'd comment with an insult in Mandarin and tell her to translate it if she speaks 'Ching chong'. No but seriously, how offensive!

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Monday 13 June 2016 12:01

And thats how your relationship ends.

TonierShadow 19

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Monday 13 June 2016 2:04

Okay, that is horribly wrong, but at the same time horribly funny.

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Monday 13 June 2016 2:13

Can't heal bigotry or idiocy, sorry man.

Grammer_Nazzi 9

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Monday 13 June 2016 2:49

I hope she doesn't try to order specialty tea.

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Monday 13 June 2016 2:51

I'm sure she wasn't trying to be rude or ignorant. Everybody makes stupid jokes without thinking, and the internet both makes it very public and immortalizes it...fun thought right? But I hope you sat down with her and told her why saying that wasn't okay. Other than that, I think it's cute she was willing to learn some Madarin to connect with you.

confused_wandere 26

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Monday 13 June 2016 14:54

No, not everybody. You need to be a special type of person to use derogatory terms as a joke AND find them funny.

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 132

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 415

You deserved it 101

Today, for the first time I had to lie to the man I intend to marry, because I had a very intense and hot dream about Leslie Nielsen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 437

You deserved it 132