Today, our new boss banned coffee from the workplace, comparing caffeine to hard drugs. His comparison may not be wrong; after two hours, I couldn't take it any more, and in between fantasising about his cold-blooded murder, I begged to be allowed just one last cup. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, my boss fired me because I "didn't get the right kind of coffee beans." FML
Today, my boss made me come in at 10 a.m. instead of noon like he usually does. I’ve had nine cups of coffee and STILL can’t keep my eyes open. Why am I like this? FML
Today, I was late for work and got chewed out by my boss. To console myself I decided to drink a cup of coffee and a cup of tea. My work provides this for free. When I did, my boss told me that in fact it wasn't, nor has it ever been, free; all this time I've been stealing other people's coffee. FML
Today, according to my boss, he could cancel out the chill effect of pot brownies by mixing Red Bull into coffee. Somehow, I think his wastedness was still noticeable, since he fell asleep at an important meeting and our main investor pulled out, putting most of our jobs at risk. FML
Today, I tried to sip my coffee quietly during a quiet meeting. Instead, I inhaled it, started choking, and sprayed lukewarm coffee all over my notes, my shirt, and unfortunately, my boss. She didn’t say anything, but I’m pretty sure she hates me now. FML
Today, my new boss, the CEO's son, finally showed up for work, three days late and right after lunch break. His first order of business was to call a meeting and scream at everyone for not having a diet latte waiting for him on his desk. God help us all. FML
Today, the massive bogey that had been dangling precariously from my manager's nose for half an hour finally detached itself. Into my coffee. FML
Today, the office coffee machine was relocated next to my desk. My co-worker insists on making several cups of the stuff per day, but instead of drinking it, he stands next to me, audibly swishes it through his teeth, gargles, and drools it back into the cup. I retch every single time. FML
Today, I had to have a word with my boss about how him coming into work drunk is probably not a very good idea. FML
Today, I stopped at a café before work and ordered a cappuccino. They called out, “Cathy?” I assumed it was mine, grabbed it, and left. Turns out Cathy likes her coffee with four espresso shots. By 10 a.m., I was vibrating and sending emails that read like manifestos. FML
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Top comments
Welshite 40
Chocolate covered coffee beans are your friend. Tell your boss they are chocolate covered raisins, and you'll be left alone. No one sane likes raisins.
emmatheamazingx 17
I see why he compared them now
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Comments (100)
magickiss87 22
No coffee for me = hell for anyone around me and major migraines! I know what you felt! Try working on taking a little less coffee each day. It's true, caffeine can get addicting! Good luck, Op!
Eloxia 7
Caffeine is a drug and is actually one of the most addictive substances. Also your withdrawal symptoms will be worse at times when you regularly have your caffeine. Such as your morning coffee or a soda during lunch/dinner. Best thing is to drink a ton of water and prepare for the headaches.
Astrum14 24
Caffeine is nowhere near the levels of addicting as anything else considered a drug. That's a load of shit.
badgercheese94 16
That is NOT healthy. You shouldn't be so dependant on ANY substance.
DoomedGemini 38
If he wants to ban caffeine he would have to ban a LOT of things. Tea, coffee, soda, even some medicine.
barlos88 19
Caffeine ain't no drug, you ever suck a dick for java?
Zebediabolical 45
You know you can buy caffeine pills ridiculously cheap at pretty much every pharmacy in north america right? What's your boss gonna do, make you tell him what meds you're on?
Zebediabolical 45
I probably should have looked to make sure OP was in north america first. But I'm pretty sure they're a global thing.
brycemash 9
I like coffee I like tea. I like caffeine and caffeine likes me!
Aniki_Sohma 20
Switch to tea, it usually is more potent and in my opinion tastes better. Or you could always just say **** him and drink your coffee like most people would.
Drosophila82 18
I think your boss is having financial problems. Otherwise the Dumbass should know by now that coffee is the only nootropic that helps middle aged individuals operate while working for a brain dead moron like him!
ally8 21
Oh please, it's not ice or heroin. Get a mocha and say it's a hot choc or something
blackonblight 33
Well, caffeine is a drug, and addictive. It's just a socially acceptable drug addiction that a significant portion of the population lives with. I can't stand coffee, but if you took away my tea and sodas, I would be even more of a zombie than I already am.