Kids: Today, my youngest daughter finally started using the toilet... - FML

By Investing in Toilet Seatbelts - United States - Sparks

Today, my youngest daughter finally started using the toilet on her own. That is, until her older sister showed her the South Park episode where someone gets their intestines sucked out by flushing the toilet. Now she won't go anywhere near the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35267

You deserved it

3606

Tweet

Share

Taking stock

Buzzing the tower

That'll be Kevin in accounting

By CheeseMonsters - United Kingdom

Today, I went to get my friend a drink while she sat in the lounge watching TV with my dog. When I came back, I found her licking my dogs ears. She said he dared her to do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31356

You deserved it

3415

Tweet

Share

By WolfsScar - United States - Lincoln

Be careful, please!

Today, while I was telling a friend she needs to be more careful about getting hurt, I dislocated and sprained my thumb. She then laughed at me and said, "Yes, I will." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1402

You deserved it

505

Tweet

Share

By nofinal - United States

Today, I woke up at 7 am to take my last final. When I got to the parking lot, I realized my car was missing. After speaking to the police for 3 hours, I called my girlfriend to let her know what happened. She then told me I had parked on the street the night before. So much for the 8 am final. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8274

You deserved it

30486

Tweet

Share

By Aintnosunshine - France

Today, I attended a speed dating evening. After 7 minutes, the girl told me she wasn't interested. I asked her at what point of the conversation she had made up her mind, she answered: "When you said 'Hello'. Goodbye". FML

I agree, your life sucks

23208

You deserved it

2431

Tweet

Share

By elvisfreak5446 - United States

Today, I was arguing with a friend over whether or not I'm fat. She kept telling me that I was. Angry, I sat down on the chair beside her. It broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32119

You deserved it

23318

Tweet

Share

By wtf - United States - Oxford

Today, it's been 2 weeks since I ordered a printer so I could print schoolwork, that way I don't have to sit on campus so long to print it all out. It just got delivered in Arizona today. I live in New York. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12310

You deserved it

1241

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, my daughter told me her tummy hurt, but I assumed she was lying because she hates visiting grandma. About 20 minutes into the car ride, she got excited and said, "Mum my tummy doesn’t hurt anymore!" About 10 seconds later the smell filled the car right up to the roof. It was diarrhoea. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1646

You deserved it

3273

Tweet

Share

By bsulyingb - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because "our priorities aren't the same." Her priorities turned out to be getting into my coworker's pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45477

You deserved it

2971

Tweet

Share

By R2A8 - Kenya

Today, after I got lectured about not replying on the family group chat, I decided to wish everyone a good morning. No one responded. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1982

You deserved it

273

Tweet

Share

By Charlotte - United States

Today, I arrived at work at 8, and business was abnormally slow, but we assumed it would pick up. Few hours later, we had not had a single customer. As I walk out of the restaurant, I realize the open sign has been off all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11085

You deserved it

38921

Tweet

Share

By umm..WHAT?? - 22/10/2020 14:01 - United States - Pomona

Halloween came early

Today, I was sleeping in my bed when I woke up in horror to see that my 34-year-old cousin, who was spending the night, was watching me sleep. Once he noticed that I was awake, he quietly left the room. I told my mom, who then told me not to tell anyone and pretend that it never happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1429

You deserved it

61

Tweet

Share

By haileyjunkin

Today, I got hit in the face at a dodge-ball tournament. My entire mouth was bloody. The sad thing is, I wasn't even playing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30541

You deserved it

3289

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Ireland - Donegal

Today, my grandparents came over for a family dinner. I'm somewhat overweight, and my grandma kept making sound effects in time with me doing pretty much anything. When I complained to my dad after she made a long farting sound as I sat down, he told me to suck it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44879

You deserved it

7173

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ate some hardboiled eggs for breakfast, not knowing they were practically rotten. My whole day has consisted of vomit-inducing sulfuric farts and diarrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31286

You deserved it

9293

Tweet

Share

By talktothefacecausethehandswanking - Korea, Republic of - Seoul

Today, my husband decided he would rather rage-wank to my mum's Facebook profile picture than make love to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50337

You deserved it

5278

Tweet

Share

By lalalohan - United States

Today, I was at a ballet recital with my friend, sitting between her and the mother of the head male ballerina. When he came on stage in obscenely tight white tights I whispered to my friend, "You can see his whole freaking package!" I'd whispered to the wrong side. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13725

You deserved it

64165

Tweet

Share

By it_IS_just_me - United States

Today, I Googled my ex-husband only to find that in the years since we've split he now fancies himself as a stand-up comic. His material? Our sex life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42099

You deserved it

9276

Tweet

Share

By Candy - United States

Today, my mom bought me some expensive Japanese candy. I opened it, and saw that each chewy candy was wrapped in a thin, hard to peel off wrapper. After trying to get each wrapper off, I determined they were unopen-able and threw them away. I then read the box, saying the wrappers were edible. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8329

You deserved it

56427

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Student Hell

Today, I'm studying in another city. My tutor hates me because of my looks and accent. I have no friends, computer or internet outside of uni. I live in a room I rent at an old couple's house. Due to a flimsy door, I hear everything they do or say, and vice versa. I can't move from the bed. If I do, their dog, who guards my door, starts barking. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2119

You deserved it

174

Tweet

Share

By Fox - United States

Today, while driving extremely fast on a road in the middle of nowhere, I started to go down a hill. Noticing a police car at the bottom, I slammed my brakes and blew a tire in the process. It turns out the police car was an old cutout used to trick people. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12326

You deserved it

57458

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Aberdeen

Today, my boyfriend decided to suddenly stop in the middle of sex, just as I was actually starting to enjoy myself, just to bear hug me and exclaim, "Crikey, she's angry!" in the voice of Steve Irwin. He laughed so hard at his own joke that he went soft and couldn't continue. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36350

You deserved it

3660

Tweet

Share

By catguy - United States

Today, and for quite some time, my girlfriend has been telling me that she needs to go home each night to take care of her cat. Taking care of her cat is, it seems, an euphemism for having it off with her neighbor Tom since her cat died three months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48539

You deserved it

3777

Tweet

Share

By BFFN - United Kingdom - Glasgow

BFF

Today, my best friend told me she no longer wants an "active friendship" with me. She says she doesn't have time to see me, since she has a boyfriend and a bunch of friends she's spent years bitching to me about. We've gone from a 14-year friendship to awkwardly nodding at each other in the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22542

You deserved it

1321

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - United States

Today, after going on a blind date with a man I had met on facebook, we decided to go back to his apartment. All was going good until he took off his pants, only to reveal that he was wearing a diaper. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43604

You deserved it

19830

Tweet

Share

By francesa_loca - Canada

Today, my father started drinking a little early. At some point, he got hungry and decided to boil eggs. He started a dozen, drank some more, and passed out on the couch. When I came home, all the water had boiled off and the eggs had exploded all over the kitchen. I'm still cleaning up the mess. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32883

You deserved it

2498

Tweet

Share

By human torch - United States

Today, my physics teacher accidentally lit me on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59356

You deserved it

6313

Tweet

Share

By now what - United States - San Leandro

Today, my husband came home with a Christmas gift from a coworker. It's the same thing I got him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35031

You deserved it

3350

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 7/9/2020 13:01 - United Kingdom

Shorty

Today, on my first day as a community support officer, a 7-foot meathead in the middle of a domestic argument told me to “piss off shorty”, and when I asked him not to swear at me, he picked me up one-handed and threw me in a builder's skip full of mud and wet cement. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1381

You deserved it

305

Tweet

Share

By tsardaukar - United States

Today, bouncing at a local bar. I I.D.'d a girl with a group of people. I told her that next time she used a fake I.D., she at least should get one with a picture that looked like her. She started crying and ran off. A guy told me that she had been in a car wreck, and had been badly disfigured. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57455

You deserved it

72438

Tweet

Share

By naughtymommy0317 - United States

Today, while having sex with my husband, he accidentally elbowed me in the face. I don't know which is worse: that he didn't stop to see if I was OK, or that it seemed to turn him on and he climaxed immediately after he'd hit me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59943

You deserved it

5891

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada - Barrie

Today, on my first day at as a photo editor at a print store, I had to spend over an hour editing a full shoot of a fat man eating a baguette in a bathtub, closeups included. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39428

You deserved it

3790

Tweet

Share

By El Stupido - Australia

Today, I was stuck in stand-still traffic for 5 minutes, before realizing I had stopped behind a parked car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14160

You deserved it

58331

Tweet

Share

By mydadsgonnakillme - United States - Santa Barbara

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my overprotective father. My boyfriend started out with, "Sir, it is an honor to be your daughter's sexual partner." FML

I agree, your life sucks

64341

You deserved it

12375

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Doncaster

Slumming it

Today, my mum and I were moving the last of  my stuff into my new flat when I heard some creaking. The sound was  coming from the bathroom, so I went to check it out. As I stepped  through the door, the floor collapsed and the bathtub and I fell  right through. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1785

You deserved it

90

Tweet

Share

By makdra

Today, I found out my mom can't wait until I turn 18, so she can kick me out and turn my room into a huge closet for all her clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22157

You deserved it

2013

Tweet

Share

By Sleepy - United States

Today, I fell asleep while lifeguarding, thinking I could get away with it due to my sunglasses. When I woke up, I saw my boss waving at me. Apparently she'd been trying to get my attention for five minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7542

You deserved it

69729

Tweet

Share

By LIFT - 23/7/2020 08:01

Ant life

Today, my boyfriend accused me of cheating on him and talking to other guys in a Facebook group that’s literally called, "A group where we all pretend to be ants in a colony." When I showed him what it really was, he dumped me for participating in something he said was so stupid. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1423

You deserved it

523

Tweet

Share

By BassGuy - United States

Today, I went onto my band's MySpace just to check if we had any new comments or anything like that and I noticed that I was listed as a past member. Nobody ever told me I was replaced. FML

I agree, your life sucks

62156

You deserved it

4775

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, it's my birthday. My parents, whom I live with, told me that they did not get me anything, but instead they said they would knock off a bit of the housekeeping I owe them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29047

You deserved it

8283

Tweet

Share

By someoneelsessaliva - Australia

Today, my two friends and I went to the movies. One of my friends brought my crush. They started making out, leaning over the armrest, until they were practically in my lap. Saliva got on my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45304

You deserved it

4156

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By ImTheAlpha | 30

#6202730 - Saturday 14 February 2015 23:19

Don't you just love children?

By Attacksloth | 33

#6202754 - Saturday 14 February 2015 23:31

A word of advice for people who insist on using the same three puns: Stop.

COMMENTS

By ImTheAlpha | 30

#6202730 - Saturday 14 February 2015 23:19

Don't you just love children?

By nomred1 | 7

#6202735 - Saturday 14 February 2015 23:21

That must have SUCKED! No but really her sister seems like an ASSHOLE (sorry couldn't resist

Reply

RMLrapemylife | 14

#6202769 - Saturday 14 February 2015 23:38

not bad but u shouldve kept it lower case

Reply

kmaheynoway | 25

#6202831 - Sunday 15 February 2015 0:58

#16 - You FLUSHED AWAY your chances of getting some upvotes.

By royceda510 | 10

#6202737 - Saturday 14 February 2015 23:22

What a crappy situation

Reply

xChaos | 29

#6202747 - Saturday 14 February 2015 23:26

Couldn't stop yourself, eh?

Reply

NeatNit | 32

#6202779 - Saturday 14 February 2015 23:47

I'm arresting you for reusing the 'crappy situation' joke for the gazillionth time on FML. You have the right to remain silent. If you have something to say, toilet to the judge.

Reply

kmaheynoway | 25

#6202835 - Sunday 15 February 2015 1:03

Dude, stop overusing these jokes. It really pisses us all off.

Reply

DorLeon | 14

#6202842 - Sunday 15 February 2015 1:11

you could use "shitty situation" :)

Reply

BurleyGames | 1

#6202876 - Sunday 15 February 2015 2:26

or "you got yourself in quite a shituation"

Reply

royceda510 | 10

#6202888 - Sunday 15 February 2015 2:45

For fucks sake I apologize. Jesus, I didn't realize you people took shitty puns seriously

Reply

Retaheki | 27

#6202900 - Sunday 15 February 2015 3:09

Most overused pun on FML, but at least you kept it fresh with crappy instead of shitty.

Reply

Johnnycake23 | 42

#6202909 - Sunday 15 February 2015 3:35

I thumbs upped just for your name.

Reply

Paws_Cat | 29

#6202983 - Sunday 15 February 2015 5:16

Was that one intentional or no?

By swaftmasterj627 | 12

#6202740 - Saturday 14 February 2015 23:23

Because a child that young could understand something like that

By hypoxicischemia | 11

#6202742 - Saturday 14 February 2015 23:23

South Park does it again

Reply

NeatNit | 32

#6202806 - Sunday 15 February 2015 0:06

which episode was this? I don't remember it but now I wanna watch it :)

Reply

davidpropert | 32

#6202812 - Sunday 15 February 2015 0:29

#24 it was the TSA (toilet safety administration) episode ;)

Reply

ProgMetalMan | 8

#6202840 - Sunday 15 February 2015 1:10

It was called Reverse Cowgirl.

Reply

ColonelCusswords | 24

#6202937 - Sunday 15 February 2015 4:21

What the fuck clyde?! put the god damn toilet seat down you asshole!

By hazukilockheart | 13

#6202745 - Saturday 14 February 2015 23:25

let me check inside yo asshole

By Mossygirl357 | 12

#6202746 - Saturday 14 February 2015 23:26

I'd be so mad at the older sister.

By pugpuggy | 21

#6202749 - Saturday 14 February 2015 23:27

Intestines getting flushed down the toilet.

Because intelligence!

Reply

Kielnmsoftly | 26

#6202889 - Sunday 15 February 2015 2:46

It's actually happened though. Who the fuck's so stupid they can't check to make sure the toilet seat is down?

Reply

TomatoGuts | 10

#6202984 - Sunday 15 February 2015 5:17

Yes, because leaving the seat up means that your intestines

Reply

TomatoGuts | 10

#6202985 - Sunday 15 February 2015 5:17

Yes, because leaving the seat up means that your intestines

Reply

militarybrat | 21

#6203079 - Sunday 15 February 2015 6:48

Stupid? It is a brain thing, like when you are driving and you automatically go a certain way even though that isn't where you want to go. Happens all the time. Especially when you have to go really bad. Not stupid. Be a gentleman and put the seat down!

Reply

pugpuggy | 21

#6205019 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 17:02

If you leave the toilet seat up your intestines won't come ripping out of your ass.

Reply

pugpuggy | 21

#6230205 - Thursday 12 March 2015 19:08

#63
But... If you leave the seat up your intestines aren't going to get fucked down the toilet. -_-

By crazyindynathan | 13

#6202750 - Saturday 14 February 2015 23:28

Sounds like a shitty situation to me...

By Attacksloth | 33

#6202754 - Saturday 14 February 2015 23:31

A word of advice for people who insist on using the same three puns: Stop.

Reply

Mauskau | 35

#6203154 - Sunday 15 February 2015 8:54

Your comment is surrounded by 3 comments saying the same pun, two of them identical. I miss when comments were creative.