Kids: Today, my youngest daughter finally started using the toilet... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 95

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 239

You deserved it 27

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 494

You deserved it 133

14/02/2015 09:46

Today, my youngest daughter finally started using the toilet on her own. That is, until her older sister showed her the South Park episode where someone gets their intestines sucked out by flushing the toilet. Now she won't go anywhere near the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 289

You deserved it 3 609

Triage

Dysfunctional

Conspiracies claim another victim

Manic pixie dream girl

By now what - 13/07/2021 11:01

Today, I took my daughter to get the expensive pixie cut she’s been "dying" for. As soon as we got home, my husband burst into hysterical laughter and pointed out that she looks exactly like he did in high school. Now she’s sobbing and begging for either a wig or even more expensive extensions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 953

You deserved it 187

23/01/2010 08:05

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. My phone started ringing and it was my Mom, she said I could answer it. As I answered the phone my girlfriend started playing with my dick. I moaned. Loud. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 081

You deserved it 29 535

14/09/2009 04:20

Today, I was prioritizing my extreme amount of homework. I read over the front page of my psychology paper seeing that it was pretty easy questions, I decided to do it last. Little did I know there was a 8 page essay on the back of the page. It's 12:19 am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 643

You deserved it 21 100

10/08/2014 01:30

Today, I was mowing the lawn while wearing gym shorts. Because I had no pockets, I tucked my phone into the waistband of my shorts. I didn't notice my phone had slipped until the lawnmower started making an awful sound. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 217

You deserved it 22 406

06/07/2015 21:32

Today, I learned how my coworkers differentiate between my coworker and me as we have the same name, when I overheard one of them ask the other, "Which one, ugly Leslie or hot Leslie?" When the answer was "ugly Leslie," he walked straight to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 414

You deserved it 1 850

On the ball

By angie24w - 19/06/2020 07:55

Today, after an emergency doctor told me to go to the pharmacy to get Zantac for possible stomach ulcers, I was told by the pharmacist that it was actually recalled a year ago. I had to pay almost double the price for another antacid. Thanks a lot for knowing your stuff, ER doctor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 254

You deserved it 160

09/06/2019 02:00

Today, my mother told me she's planning on taking the next two weeks "off". She is unemployed and on disability, and spends her days on the couch watching Netflix. Off from what? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 866

You deserved it 140

11/12/2016 20:34

Today, I got shot in the leg while taking a firearms safety course. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 140

You deserved it 1 135

Big baby man

By HSPARKS - 12/05/2020 05:00

Today, I woke up to my apartment in a state of total disarray. I've been asking my boyfriend to get either get a job, or clean the house. I just had a bunch of dental work taken care of. He doesn't have a job, and doesn't want to find one. I'm tired of trying to raise an already grown man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 576

You deserved it 920

Slip of the tongue

By Anonymous - 22/05/2020 23:00

Today, a few army recruiters came to my school to discuss their jobs with us. When asked to say our name and what we wanted to do when we were older, I said I wanted to be a prosecutor. Everyone started laughing. Turns out everyone thought I said prostitute, including the recruiters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 446

You deserved it 168

06/04/2012 14:24

Today, I went to family therapy because my mom wanted the family to be closer. When asked what her biggest disappointment was in life, she turned to me and said, "Having a gay son" then patted my hand, smiled, and said "No offense, honey." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 546

You deserved it 7 179

And I oop

By not drunk - 21/07/2020 08:01

Today, I was at a restaurant. I turned around looking for the restroom. I almost walked into the men’s room, then corrected myself and stumbled in the hallway looking for the ladies’. The employees thought I was drunk and kicked me out. I hadn’t had a single drink. I’m just clumsy as shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 411

You deserved it 223

20/04/2013 23:08

Today, I overheard the guy I like talking to one of his friends about me. His friend asked if he and I were dating, to which he replied, "No way, dude. I have standards." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 696

You deserved it 4 862

22/07/2016 08:54

Today, I was told I'm not invited to my best friend's birthday party. Apparently, being divorced and childless doesn't "mesh" well with the rest of the group. My parents are still watching her kids so she can go away for the weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 004

You deserved it 876

Sprain in the ass

By Anonymous - 04/07/2021 16:02

Today, after two months of recovering from a sprained ankle, the doctor told me I was fully healed. On the way to my car from the doctor's, I stepped on some leaves, which were covering a small hole. A hole big enough for me to trip on and give me another sprained ankle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 903

You deserved it 95

Footloose

By Imnotfromhere - 16/06/2021 10:59

Today, my neighbor told me to stop pushing the elevator buttons and opening doors with my feet. I bitched him out, because he's been making a huge issue out of it for months. Right after, I realized I forgot my keys inside and he's the only person around that can let me in the building. FML

I agree, your life sucks 166

You deserved it 1 656

Thanks, I hate it

By CabbageFart92 - 04/09/2017 01:30

Today, a package was delivered to my house. Thinking it was my new blender, I hurriedly brought it in to open it. Inside the box was an assortment of rotten vegetables that stank like Satan's asshole. I have no idea who it's from or why they hate me so much. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 541

You deserved it 292

My eyes! My eyes!

By Anonymous - 03/06/2013 05:47

Spicy

Today, I had to pee in my cat's litter box, just to avoid seeing my mom having sex in the living room on my way to the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 158

You deserved it 6 402

05/06/2017 14:00

Today, my husband won't shave his beard, despite the fact it grows in wiry and looks like pubic hair. He is now accusing me of "not loving him for who he is." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 883

You deserved it 1 203

03/04/2012 02:07

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend told me that he'd never made a girl orgasm. I didn't think much of it until he decided to go down on me. Every time he got me close to orgasm, he'd stop and ask, "Are you about to come?" or "Does that feel good?" Now I can see why he's never made a girl orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 715

You deserved it 3 873

15/12/2018 05:00

Today, I bought a new car. Twenty-five minutes into driving it home, I hit a deer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 578

You deserved it 349

04/02/2013 20:17

Spicy

Today, my friend asked me to fix his laptop for him because it is loaded with viruses. When I turned it on and started searching for the problem, I couldn't find it. Luckily I was able to find a video of him banging my girlfriend. We've been together for eight years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 186

You deserved it 4 483

Cuties

By Anonymous - 07/12/2020 02:02

Spicy

Today, I shaved my penis and balls. When my girlfriend saw, she said, "You look like my little brother." He's 6 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 783

You deserved it 398

18/11/2017 22:00

Today, when I finished helping a customer, she said, “Thanks cutie!” When I thanked her she giggled and said, “I just like making people smile, plus I bet you don’t get called that often!” FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 132

You deserved it 306

26/08/2009 08:44

Today, I found out that the horrific smell coming from somewhere in my kitchen was a rotting dead mouse in my dishwasher. I have been eating off plates washed in dead-mouse water for the past week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 819

You deserved it 11 357

The joys of public transport

By InPain - 17/10/2019 16:00

Today, while riding the train, some druggie got into a dispute with some random passengers. Even though I didn't even look at them fighting, he decided I was a threat and punched me, a pregnant woman, and some bikers. Now I've got a black eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 777

You deserved it 117

Hissy fit incoming!

By bad friend - 22/10/2019 05:00

Today, my boyfriend’s female "best friend" hates me for absolutely no other reason other than she, "just doesn’t get along with girls." Boyfriend doesn’t see a problem with this, and insists I should just accept it since, "that’s just how she is." Time to throw the whole man away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 824

You deserved it 312

24/11/2013 23:19

Today, while riding the subway, I fell asleep. I awoke to find that someone had stolen my glasses. From off my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 138

You deserved it 7 777

06/10/2015 20:42

Today, I took my niece to the zoo. She was crying so I pointed out the chimpanzee to distract her. At the same time, he sat down and began to jack off. My niece won't stop making the same motion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 913

You deserved it 2 261

19/11/2009 20:09

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents. Later on, his mom pulls me aside and tells me to back off, saying he will never marry someone like me and he should be with a nice girl like his ex. They broke up after he found her in his bed with his roomate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 707

You deserved it 2 192

10/06/2019 05:19

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I was too tired for sex, which she interpreted as me confessing to not wanting to have sex with her because I’m having sex with other women. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 254

You deserved it 262

04/06/2015 05:17

Today, while going for a walk, I saw two bunnies next to the road. Apparently, I was scarier than the oncoming traffic, because one of them decided to sprint into the road as I walked by. I could hear its bones crunch as it got hit by a car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 878

You deserved it 2 925

Bad Day for a Good Boy

By Dakota - 28/09/2017 04:30

Today, on my way home from work, I went to the car wash. When the spray jets hit the car, my dog jumped out of his crate, into the front seat, and onto a button lowering both back windows. I got both an exterior and interior wash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 848

You deserved it 885

21/06/2009 18:00

Spicy

Today, is the first day of my honeymoon. It has been 6 years since I took a "real" vacation. We have 3 kids and a small house, and now we have 9 days alone in random hotels to do what couples do on their honeymoon without kids... Day one, I got my period 7 days early. FML

I agree, your life sucks 84 300

You deserved it 5 286

10/10/2010 20:29

Spicy

Today, I was tidying my room when my gran came in and offered to help. I said I didn't need any, but she started going through it anyway. She found a tube of "Very Cherry" lube and asked what it was. I subtly tore off the label and tried to convince her it was a face mask. She's taken it to try it out tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 709

You deserved it 9 234

04/11/2015 03:10

Today, at work, the janitor would not stop telling me how good I looked. This was after he told me he was fired for sexual harassment at his last job. He clearly learned that lesson. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 435

You deserved it 1 517

Quickie

By tina - 22/11/2019 20:00

Spicy

Today, I finally had sex with my new boyfriend, well… penetration anyway. Turns out, he has premature ejaculation, and no idea how bad at sex he is. He actually thought he did a good job by lasting 20 seconds. He was done after 4 thrusts and was somehow confused. I didn't orgasm either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 078

You deserved it 315

05/07/2012 22:15

Today, I was taking a dump at a public restroom. As I reached over to grab the toilet paper, I realized someone had peed on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 541

You deserved it 2 717

24/01/2014 12:36

Today, my mom took a picture of me. All she could say about the picture was, "At least your sister is pretty." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 938

You deserved it 3 957

20/03/2009 15:07

Spicy

Today, I had my girlfriend over and we were hugging when she put her feet on my feet. We started walking around like that and I said, "This is hard to maintain." She replied with "So's your erection." FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 552

You deserved it 17 037

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Saturday 14 February 2015 23:19

Don't you just love children?

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Saturday 14 February 2015 23:31

A word of advice for people who insist on using the same three puns: Stop.

Comments

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Saturday 14 February 2015 23:19

Don't you just love children?

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Saturday 14 February 2015 23:21

That must have SUCKED! No but really her sister seems like an ASSHOLE (sorry couldn't resist

RMLrapemylife 14

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Saturday 14 February 2015 23:38

not bad but u shouldve kept it lower case

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Sunday 15 February 2015 0:58

#16 - You FLUSHED AWAY your chances of getting some upvotes.

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Saturday 14 February 2015 23:22

What a crappy situation

xChaos 29

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Saturday 14 February 2015 23:26

Couldn't stop yourself, eh?

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Saturday 14 February 2015 23:47

I'm arresting you for reusing the 'crappy situation' joke for the gazillionth time on FML. You have the right to remain silent. If you have something to say, toilet to the judge.

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Sunday 15 February 2015 1:03

Dude, stop overusing these jokes. It really pisses us all off.

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Sunday 15 February 2015 1:11

you could use "shitty situation" :)

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Sunday 15 February 2015 2:26

or "you got yourself in quite a shituation"

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Sunday 15 February 2015 2:45

For fucks sake I apologize. Jesus, I didn't realize you people took shitty puns seriously

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Sunday 15 February 2015 3:09

Most overused pun on FML, but at least you kept it fresh with crappy instead of shitty.

Johnnycake23 42

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Sunday 15 February 2015 3:35

I thumbs upped just for your name.

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Sunday 15 February 2015 5:16

Was that one intentional or no?

swaftmasterj627 12

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Saturday 14 February 2015 23:23

Because a child that young could understand something like that

hypoxicischemia 11

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Saturday 14 February 2015 23:23

South Park does it again

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Sunday 15 February 2015 0:06

which episode was this? I don't remember it but now I wanna watch it :)

davidpropert 32

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Sunday 15 February 2015 0:29

#24 it was the TSA (toilet safety administration) episode ;)

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Sunday 15 February 2015 1:10

It was called Reverse Cowgirl.

ColonelCusswords 24

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Sunday 15 February 2015 4:21

What the fuck clyde?! put the god damn toilet seat down you asshole!

hazukilockheart 13

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Saturday 14 February 2015 23:25

let me check inside yo asshole

Mossygirl357 12

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Saturday 14 February 2015 23:26

I'd be so mad at the older sister.

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Saturday 14 February 2015 23:27

Intestines getting flushed down the toilet. Because intelligence!

Kielnmsoftly 26

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Sunday 15 February 2015 2:46

It's actually happened though. Who the fuck's so stupid they can't check to make sure the toilet seat is down?

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Sunday 15 February 2015 5:17

Yes, because leaving the seat up means that your intestines

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Sunday 15 February 2015 5:17

Yes, because leaving the seat up means that your intestines

militarybrat 21

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Sunday 15 February 2015 6:48

Stupid? It is a brain thing, like when you are driving and you automatically go a certain way even though that isn't where you want to go. Happens all the time. Especially when you have to go really bad. Not stupid. Be a gentleman and put the seat down!

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Tuesday 17 February 2015 17:02

If you leave the toilet seat up your intestines won't come ripping out of your ass.

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Thursday 12 March 2015 19:08

#63 But... If you leave the seat up your intestines aren't going to get fucked down the toilet. -_-

crazyindynathan 13

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Saturday 14 February 2015 23:28

Sounds like a shitty situation to me...

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Saturday 14 February 2015 23:31

A word of advice for people who insist on using the same three puns: Stop.

Mauskau 35

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Sunday 15 February 2015 8:54

Your comment is surrounded by 3 comments saying the same pun, two of them identical. I miss when comments were creative.