Today, my youngest daughter finally started using the toilet... - FML

By Investing in Toilet Seatbelts - 14/2/2015 09:46 - United States - Sparks

Today, my youngest daughter finally started using the toilet on her own. That is, until her older sister showed her the South Park episode where someone gets their intestines sucked out by flushing the toilet. Now she won't go anywhere near the bathroom. FML

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Proactive

Family values

Mixology

By TRalalla - 7/8/2010 17:10 - Canada

Today, I decided to call the number a cute guy had scribbled onto a napkin and given to me. I was greeted by, "Hello, this is Dr. Allen's office." Surprised, because I didn't remember his name being anything close to Allen, I asked who Dr. Allen was. She's a psychologist. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2009 02:27 - United States

Today, I realized my job is so boring that I spend most of my time trying to take a dump than actually working. FML

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By danikka1 - 11/3/2010 17:13 - United States

Today, I told my husband that after fifteen years of marriage, I wanted a divorce. His first question was whether or not he could still go on the family cruise my parents are paying for in May. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2012 04:06 - United States

Today, I got pulled over for a busted tail light. The officer gave me a warning and told me to fix it. Ten minutes later I was pulled over again for the same busted tail light by the same cop. This time he wrote me a ticket. FML

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By LoLWut?? nd Why?? - 16/4/2013 04:01 - United States

Today, I went to a library to return a book that I've had for years. After a heated discussion with the librarian, not only did she charge me over a hundred dollars for the book, she also called the cops to escort me out. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2014 03:16 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend went shopping at Victoria's Secret with me. While she was in the fitting room, her parents walked by and saw me. They don't approve of the store, so I panicked and told them I was considering becoming a woman. FML

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By Thanks a lot - 23/10/2015 01:27 - United States - Chestnut Hill

Today, I babysat for my neighbor's brat kid. The mom gave me $15 for 5 hours. I complained to my mom when I got home because last time I got $15/hour. Turns out my mom had told my neighbor that she thought they'd paid me too much last time. Thanks mom. Thanks. FML

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By julian1 - 19/8/2015 11:34 - United States - Orlando

Today, I decided to sunbathe in my backyard in an attempt to be healthy. The result? Insect bites over my body. Somehow, despite being fully clothed the entire time, my scrotum also received several bites. FML

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By - 22/2/2020 18:00

My dear neighbor

Today, I had a very sweet and romantic love note brutally scratched into the door of my brand new car. It was addressed to Cindy. Cindy lives next door. FML

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By beautyschool22 - 11/6/2012 23:39 - United States

Today, I talked to my father for the first time in several years. I proudly told him that I have been attending Beauty School. He looked me up and down and said, "Doesn't look like you've learned much." FML

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By Brandy_Dandy78 - 12/6/2011 18:47 - United States

Today, I fell asleep as my family drove to church. No one bothered to say anything about the drawings my siblings drew on my face until after church ended. FML

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By Kerrilyn - 17/5/2009 14:39 - United States

Today, I was waiting in the car while my mom went into a store to get beer. A few minutes later, some guy was knocking on my window telling me to open the door. I started cursing him out, thinking I was getting attacked. Turns out he worked there and was putting the beer in the car. FML

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By bald&ugly - 19/10/2019 02:00

Empathy City

Today, after losing all my hair to chemo, I finally felt brave enough to go out without a wig or a headscarf. I expected some weird looks. I didn’t expect a woman in a store to point to me and tell her daughter, “See what feminism does to women? She’ll never have a husband, I bet!” FML

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By muzikmaler91 - 15/3/2012 09:45 - United States

Today, I called pizza hut to order a pizza. A voice recording was reading me their specials. The man had a horrible country accent so I began to make fun of it. Then I realized it was an actual person on the line. FML

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By lovely321 - 2/4/2011 19:46 - United States

Today, I was giving a strip tease over Skype to my boyfriend. My mom walked in mid-way through, took a long look at me, said hi to my boyfriend, and walked out. FML

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By Raaaaaaarrrrrr - 13/7/2009 02:30 - United States

Today, I bought a CD off a man who always plays Spanish guitar in the subway. When I got to work and tried playing the CD, it was blank. I paid $15 for a blank CD. FML

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By sandwhiched - 1/1/2015 08:52 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I went on a road trip with my boyfriend and his best friend. What I thought was going to be a great, fun time ended up with me alone in a car with two large men who wouldn't stop farting for 14 hours. FML

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By ehwat - 26/11/2009 05:31 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that since I lost my job I can't afford a Christmas present for him, or anyone. He said trying anal would be fine. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2015 19:00 - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of 4 gunshots from downstairs. I screamed, hid under the bed in tears and called the cops. Turned out my boyfriend hadn't been murdered by a burglar like I thought - he'd found a tarantula in our living room and decided to feed it a face full of lead. FML

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By whirlednews - 23/4/2012 02:01 - United States

Today, I'm at home sick and someone is moving into the apartment above ours. Judging by the sounds and level of noise, they seem to be opening some sort of woodworking shop. FML

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By Muffinhater - 24/12/2009 03:21 - United States

Today, I awoke at 5am to the smell of smoke and the sound of sirens. It seems the whole Santa Monica Fire Department had made it outside our apartment complex. We had to wake up every single person on our floor. What for? An old lady burned a muffin. FML

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By grossfoot - 31/8/2010 06:14 - United States

Today, while getting on the subway, I tripped over the gap between the train and the platform. My flip-flop caught on the edge, and fell into the gap. I had to walk home with one flip-flop. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/6/2017 04:00

Today, I asked my friend to hand in my homework for me since I have tonsillitis. She thought it would be funny to draw a big heart on it with my teacher's name inside, which she then handed in. FML

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By ahhhhhhh - 30/7/2019 14:00

Today, my daughter was acting strange. When she wasn’t muttering in some strange language, she was talking about invisible people coming to get me. Terrified, I called my boyfriend. Turns out he taught her that as a prank. He knows I’m afraid of anything supernatural. FML

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By xrebeccalou - 25/12/2010 04:59 - United States

Today, I went to my long-distance boyfriend's party. His best friend was talking to me and trying to make conversation, he asked, "So, are you two official?" I responded with a definite yes, but was cut off mid-word by my boyfriend, who quickly said, "No, not really." Sorry, I wasn't aware, darling. FML

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By camp - 3/3/2009 22:14 - United States

Today, my very religious grandmother walked in on me masturbating. She's sending me to bible camp. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/10/2012 07:20 - United States

Today, I found out that my daughter has a hit list. There are over thirty names on there. My name is on it as well. FML

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By technodont - 11/5/2015 14:37 - United States

Today, my rental car had an automatic rear hatch. That sounded helpful until I used it and it emptied $60 in just-purchased groceries for the week on the parking lot pavement. The jars and jugs weren't ready for the leap. FML

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By wet - 23/4/2011 18:33 - United States

Today, the toilet on the top floor of my house burst, soaked the bathroom, and water dripped down into the kitchen and the basement for hours when nobody was home. Eight blowers and a dehumidifier later, the house is about 90 degrees and I can't leave. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2013 18:11 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I had a dream in which I was being mugged. I started fighting the muggers off, while in reality, my fist smacked my wife in the face. Now she has a black eye, nobody believes my story, and they think I'm a wife beater. FML

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By cutup - 11/7/2012 17:54 - United States - Gainesville

Today, I tried to trim my dog's nails. After about a half hour of barking, biting, and general freaking out, I gave up and decided to pay someone else to do it. I'm a vet, and do this for a living. FML

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By weldingmachine217 - 16/11/2015 21:47 - United States - Blanchard

Today, I went to the bowling alley. I have short, stubby fingers, and as I looked for a bowling ball that would fit my hand properly, an old man watched me searching, and approached asking, "Is that how you are with women? Fingering them, tossing them in the gutter, and looking for another?" FML

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By IngenuityAbsent - 22/2/2015 13:54 - Canada - Grimsby

Today, I had a dream where I whacked my head against my shelf. I woke up immediately after, freaked out and whacked my head against my shelf. FML

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By schoolgrlstaci - 7/4/2009 20:44 - United States

Today, we had a school assembly at 7:00 pm about drinking and driving. There was a cop doing a demonstration of a field sobriety test on stage. I was randomly selected to perform a breathalyzer test in front of all the students and parents. I blew 0.06. FML

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By Jessica - 21/10/2009 18:31 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out who the father of my sister's 4 year old son is. My husband of 7 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2009 22:16 - United States

Today, in the bathroom during the ACTs, my hair got stuck in the electric hand dryer. I had to rip my hair out. For future reference, hair + hand dryer = dreadlocks. FML

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By sad day - 21/6/2020 17:04

Time to run

Today, my dad planned his wedding to his mistress for literally the day after his divorce from my mom becomes final. My dad says he’ll be devastated if I don’t go, while my mother will feel betrayed if I do. I’m not sure who to hurt. FML

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By Two wrecks one car - 20/8/2018 16:30 - United States - New Braunfels

Today, a woman pulled out in front me and I couldn't avoid hitting her. When we pulled off on the side of the road to inspect the damage, she backed into me. My car is only a month old. FML

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By Stixchop - 26/2/2009 23:21 - United States

Today, I went to go get a haircut and I asked how much it was for a haircut, shampoo, and a blow job. I meant to say blow dry. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/2/2013 22:55 - United States - Ithaca

Today, I discovered that when you suddenly get channels that you didn't have before, it doesn't mean there was a glitch and you're getting free TV, it just means that your son called the cable company and had your plan changed so you get every conceivable channel at a hugely increased price. FML

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Top comments

By ImTheAlpha | 30

#6202730 - Saturday 14 February 2015 23:19

Don't you just love children?

By Attacksloth | 33

#6202754 - Saturday 14 February 2015 23:31

A word of advice for people who insist on using the same three puns: Stop.

COMMENTS

By ImTheAlpha | 30

#6202730 - Saturday 14 February 2015 23:19

Don't you just love children?

By nomred1 | 7

#6202735 - Saturday 14 February 2015 23:21

That must have SUCKED! No but really her sister seems like an ASSHOLE (sorry couldn't resist

Reply

RMLrapemylife | 14

#6202769 - Saturday 14 February 2015 23:38

not bad but u shouldve kept it lower case

Reply

kmaheynoway | 25

#6202831 - Sunday 15 February 2015 0:58

#16 - You FLUSHED AWAY your chances of getting some upvotes.

By royceda510 | 10

#6202737 - Saturday 14 February 2015 23:22

What a crappy situation

Reply

xChaos | 29

#6202747 - Saturday 14 February 2015 23:26

Couldn't stop yourself, eh?

Reply

NeatNit | 32

#6202779 - Saturday 14 February 2015 23:47

I'm arresting you for reusing the 'crappy situation' joke for the gazillionth time on FML. You have the right to remain silent. If you have something to say, toilet to the judge.

Reply

kmaheynoway | 25

#6202835 - Sunday 15 February 2015 1:03

Dude, stop overusing these jokes. It really pisses us all off.

Reply

DorLeon | 14

#6202842 - Sunday 15 February 2015 1:11

you could use "shitty situation" :)

Reply

BurleyGames | 1

#6202876 - Sunday 15 February 2015 2:26

or "you got yourself in quite a shituation"

Reply

royceda510 | 10

#6202888 - Sunday 15 February 2015 2:45

For fucks sake I apologize. Jesus, I didn't realize you people took shitty puns seriously

Reply

Retaheki | 27

#6202900 - Sunday 15 February 2015 3:09

Most overused pun on FML, but at least you kept it fresh with crappy instead of shitty.

Reply

Johnnycake23 | 42

#6202909 - Sunday 15 February 2015 3:35

I thumbs upped just for your name.

Reply

Paws_Cat | 29

#6202983 - Sunday 15 February 2015 5:16

Was that one intentional or no?

By swaftmasterj627 | 12

#6202740 - Saturday 14 February 2015 23:23

Because a child that young could understand something like that

By hypoxicischemia | 11

#6202742 - Saturday 14 February 2015 23:23

South Park does it again

Reply

NeatNit | 32

#6202806 - Sunday 15 February 2015 0:06

which episode was this? I don't remember it but now I wanna watch it :)

Reply

davidpropert | 32

#6202812 - Sunday 15 February 2015 0:29

#24 it was the TSA (toilet safety administration) episode ;)

Reply

ProgMetalMan | 8

#6202840 - Sunday 15 February 2015 1:10

It was called Reverse Cowgirl.

Reply

ColonelCusswords | 24

#6202937 - Sunday 15 February 2015 4:21

What the fuck clyde?! put the god damn toilet seat down you asshole!

By hazukilockheart | 13

#6202745 - Saturday 14 February 2015 23:25

let me check inside yo asshole

By Mossygirl357 | 12

#6202746 - Saturday 14 February 2015 23:26

I'd be so mad at the older sister.

By pugpuggy | 21

#6202749 - Saturday 14 February 2015 23:27

Intestines getting flushed down the toilet.

Because intelligence!

Reply

Kielnmsoftly | 26

#6202889 - Sunday 15 February 2015 2:46

It's actually happened though. Who the fuck's so stupid they can't check to make sure the toilet seat is down?

Reply

TomatoGuts | 10

#6202984 - Sunday 15 February 2015 5:17

Yes, because leaving the seat up means that your intestines

Reply

TomatoGuts | 10

#6202985 - Sunday 15 February 2015 5:17

Yes, because leaving the seat up means that your intestines

Reply

militarybrat | 21

#6203079 - Sunday 15 February 2015 6:48

Stupid? It is a brain thing, like when you are driving and you automatically go a certain way even though that isn't where you want to go. Happens all the time. Especially when you have to go really bad. Not stupid. Be a gentleman and put the seat down!

Reply

pugpuggy | 21

#6205019 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 17:02

If you leave the toilet seat up your intestines won't come ripping out of your ass.

Reply

pugpuggy | 21

#6230205 - Thursday 12 March 2015 19:08

#63
But... If you leave the seat up your intestines aren't going to get fucked down the toilet. -_-

By crazyindynathan | 13

#6202750 - Saturday 14 February 2015 23:28

Sounds like a shitty situation to me...

By Attacksloth | 33

#6202754 - Saturday 14 February 2015 23:31

A word of advice for people who insist on using the same three puns: Stop.

Reply

Mauskau | 35

#6203154 - Sunday 15 February 2015 8:54

Your comment is surrounded by 3 comments saying the same pun, two of them identical. I miss when comments were creative.