Today, my youngest daughter finally started using the toilet... - FML

By Investing in Toilet Seatbelts - 14/2/2015 09:46 - United States - Sparks

Today, my youngest daughter finally started using the toilet on her own. That is, until her older sister showed her the South Park episode where someone gets their intestines sucked out by flushing the toilet. Now she won't go anywhere near the bathroom. FML

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Caught red-handed

White line fever

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

By Anon - 29/5/2017 12:00 - United States - Grand Junction

Today, my mother-in-law complained to me about the cost of getting old. She then spent an hour showing me her River Cruise vacation photos from several countries. FML

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By anonymous - 14/7/2015 17:28 - United States - Ridgeland

Today, a woman left our first date just because I didn't like the same character as her on a TV show. FML

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By sashimieater - 31/5/2011 01:59 - United States

Today, it was the last day of school. My students shared what they thought of me. Expecting to hear wonderful things, all of their complaints can be summed up in a few words: I'm a liar, a killer of dreams, I need to grow up, and I was a big disappointment to them. I'm a first-year teacher. FML

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By lame - 31/12/2010 05:02 - Canada

Today, I ate a chocolate bar before getting my morning coffee. While waiting for it, a good looking guy starts talking to me, then suddenly loses interest. Afterwards, I see the chocolate on my face in my car mirror. FML

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By dormeur - 18/1/2013 11:39 - France - Malakoff

Today, as usual, my cat was sleeping on my stomach. I couldn't fall asleep so I delicately picked him up and put him down next to me. He got up, hopped back onto me, gave me a slap and then went back to sleep on my stomach. I didn't dare move all night. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2011 09:55 - United States

Today, my once-alcoholic mom told me that she would sell me for a shot of vodka. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2016 16:09 - United States - San Mateo

Today, I found out that you can give your grandpa a Vietnam flashback when you set off a leftover firecracker from New Years. I also found out that a 76 year old hits pretty fucking hard when freaking out. FML

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By fired101 - 8/2/2010 06:04 - France

Today, it was my first day of work at a very high end company. While delivering coffee to my boss, I set it down on the edge of a magazine, where it spilled over, into his crotch. FML

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By Viridian - 12/5/2009 13:41 - United States

Today, I gave a big presentation at work. The manager decided to video tape it. I went through my presentation with ease and was confident I did a good job. My confidence was then lowered after watching the tape. Apparently, my boobs are much more interesting than what I had to say. FML

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By nana. - 15/2/2009 15:29 - Canada

Today, I was playing musical chairs at a family reunion. It's a well known fact that I'm competitive and tend to hip check people to get that last chair. It came down to me and The Nana. I won. The Nana has a broken hip. FML

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By Jessy - 14/10/2011 11:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I was driving home when I saw my boyfriend chundering on the side of the road, into an old lady's shopping basket. FML

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By Cail - 1/6/2009 23:12 - United States

Today, I had to give a presentation about Adolf Hitler. I wanted to point out he was a very good speaker, and could incite a crowd. Instead, what came out was 'Hitler's oral skills made everyone go wild with excitement" FML

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By Katie - 20/2/2011 08:35 - Reserved

Today, I woke up to an angry snake trying to climb the leg of my bed. My bedroom was closed all day yesterday. It must have gotten in my room days ago. FML

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By Richmond24 - 29/7/2010 19:10 - Canada

Today, I got all four of my wisdom teeth out. My mom didn't get my prescription for painkillers because she thought I'd get addicted. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2019 02:00

Today, I took my dog for a basic spay and dental cleaning procedure. When I picked her up from the vet, I was reading through the surgery papers before they sent me away. They'd pulled 29 abscessed teeth and didn’t feel the need to tell me. FML

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By liz - 8/3/2010 01:46 - United States

Today, at work, I had toast thrown at me by an old Vietnam vet. Who also happens to have a dead cat in his freezer. I love retirement homes. FML

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By Maggie - 18/3/2013 19:38 - United States

Today, my husband woke up, rolled over, and said, "Good morning, beautiful." He hasn't called me that in months, but as I was about to reply, I realized he was talking to his pet turtle, not me. FML

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By C BOMB - 14/9/2015 23:58 - Australia - Toowong

Today, I was getting coffee when I pulled my lip balm from my pocket and started playing with it in my hands, tapping it on my face and lip. There were there two gorgeous guys in front of me who kept turning around and staring at me. I was actually holding a tampon. FML

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By why?? - 20/4/2014 04:52 - United States - Englewood

Today, I went hiking with my family. A local had told us about the trail, saying the two mile walk would lead us to a seventy-foot waterfall. After seven miles of trekking in the sweltering sun with no food, we finally found the waterfall. It was barely ten feet tall. FML

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By grocerystalker - 16/11/2012 05:58 - Australia - Newcastle

Today, I spotted a girl I have a crush on while grocery shopping. Before I could go over and say hi, I noticed her walk over and stroke a few kitchen knives through plastic wrapping. Then I spotted her in the dog food section sniffing rawhide bones with her eyes closed, looking very happy. FML

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By jezebel - 17/3/2011 14:43 - United States

Today, I got a call from the office telling me I was fired. When I asked why, my boss explained my mother called and told him I was in a "weak mental state." She thought she was helping me get off for my birthday. Now I have no job. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2009 20:27 - United States

Today, my sister and I got into a fight. I came home to find everything in my room covered in ketchup. FML

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By loveless - 18/2/2010 05:07 - United States

Today, my grandma called me to tell me that a couple of cute boys stopped by her house to borrow something. She told them all about me, and that I would be interested in them. My love life is so pathetic, even my grandmother is trying to hook me up. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2009 15:01 - United States

Today, I learned that the gap between the elevator and the 6th floor landing of my apartment building is approximately one key's width wide. FML

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By blueglover - 27/3/2012 07:40 - United States - Perris

Today, I made a new friend. He seemed pretty cool, until we came to the topic of religion and the ancient alien theory. I'm seemingly now friends with a guy who thinks alien Jesus raped an Earth woman, and we're the resulting cross-breed. FML

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By kraussy - 4/5/2009 06:28 - United States

Today, I went to the eye doctor and they used dilating eye-drops on me. After I left, my vision was still pretty blurry. I walked to the subway and when I went to step onto the train, I missed and my whole left leg got stuck in the gap. The train was delayed 10 minutes because of me. FML

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By preggo - 1/8/2011 01:16 - United States

Today, someone asked when my baby was due. I'm not pregnant, but I was so embarrassed to be mistaken for a pregnant lady that I rubbed my tummy and said "December." FML

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2009 05:13 - United States

Today, as an April fools day joke, I decided to tell my mom and dad that I was gay. After an awkward silence, my mom looks at me, smiles, and says, "well, we have known for a while." She wasn't joking. FML

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By BluesMan1990 - 16/9/2009 10:21 - United States

Today, I was giving a speech to my 300 some-odd person class. All throughout it, people had been giggling and cackling while I was speaking. I soon realized that my pants had been unzipped. I accidentally fell asleep with all my underwear in the washer last night and had gone commando that day. FML

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By mystupidson - 31/8/2011 03:30 - United States

Today, I visited my son at work. He's an interpreter for the government. As I watched him converse with a group of men, I was overcome with pride. Then the woman next to me said "I can't believe they're talking about that in public." They were discussing masturbation techniques. FML

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By Luisa - 9/1/2020 01:00

Lunch Special

Today, we have nearly no food in the house. My husband went shopping with the kids and returned with a sack of tomatoes. Time to make lunch. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2013 19:09 - France - Minzier

Today, I went to the gym with my grandma. In the span of an hour, she was hit on more than I ever have been in my life. FML

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By obviously a scumbag criminal - 24/11/2017 19:00

Today, I took a drug test for probation and failed a category called "tricyclic antidepressants". The tablet of Benadryl I took last night for sleep assistance caused me to violate my probation. FML

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By princess - 17/3/2009 05:06 - Canada

Today, I texted my boyfriend of 6 months saying that I was in the mood, and that I was in bed, and naked. He texted back saying "U got fingers, use them, im going to bed xoxo". FML

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By Holly - 29/8/2012 04:59 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I had to wait in a hospital room because I cut myself with a knife while trying to open a box of soda. After three stitches, I went home only to notice the box has an easy-open tab. FML

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By mybfthecrossdresser - 20/1/2015 15:08 - Australia - Scarborough

Today, I found out my boyfriend dresses in my underwear and tights, takes suggestive shots of his ass and legs, and uses them to trick people into thinking he's a girl so they buy him stuff in his online games. FML

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By Krazydude1000 - 3/1/2020 14:00

My fingernail

Today, I found out that my old DVD player stopped reading my movie disks. I had the dumb idea to stick my finger in there to see what was the problem. I found the problem, and that was that my fingernail wasn't on my finger after that. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2014 03:19 - United States - Topeka

Today, a guy in my class was talking about himself. He started his story with, "When I was little, I was a ginger." I replied without thinking, "Is that why you got put up for adoption?" Him being adopted was the actual story he wanted to tell. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/4/2011 01:39 - United States

Today, I painted a kids room at my new nanny job while the dad "helped" by staring at my ass and telling me how hard it is to position your "junk" correctly when wearing a speedo. First day on the job. FML

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By MCForty - 27/2/2015 15:29 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I won a pool game against some guy. His friends started mocking him for getting his ass whooped by a pregnant girl who couldn't even lean over the table. He got mad, swung his pool stick at them, missed, and hit me right in the face. FML

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Top comments

By ImTheAlpha | 30

#6202730 - Saturday 14 February 2015 23:19

Don't you just love children?

By Attacksloth | 33

#6202754 - Saturday 14 February 2015 23:31

A word of advice for people who insist on using the same three puns: Stop.

Comments

By ImTheAlpha | 30

#6202730 - Saturday 14 February 2015 23:19

Don't you just love children?

By nomred1 | 7

#6202735 - Saturday 14 February 2015 23:21

That must have SUCKED! No but really her sister seems like an ASSHOLE (sorry couldn't resist

Reply

RMLrapemylife | 14

#6202769 - Saturday 14 February 2015 23:38

not bad but u shouldve kept it lower case

Reply

kmaheynoway | 25

#6202831 - Sunday 15 February 2015 0:58

#16 - You FLUSHED AWAY your chances of getting some upvotes.

By royceda510 | 10

#6202737 - Saturday 14 February 2015 23:22

What a crappy situation

Reply

xChaos | 29

#6202747 - Saturday 14 February 2015 23:26

Couldn't stop yourself, eh?

Reply

NeatNit | 32

#6202779 - Saturday 14 February 2015 23:47

I'm arresting you for reusing the 'crappy situation' joke for the gazillionth time on FML. You have the right to remain silent. If you have something to say, toilet to the judge.

Reply

kmaheynoway | 25

#6202835 - Sunday 15 February 2015 1:03

Dude, stop overusing these jokes. It really pisses us all off.

Reply

DorLeon | 14

#6202842 - Sunday 15 February 2015 1:11

you could use "shitty situation" :)

Reply

BurleyGames | 1

#6202876 - Sunday 15 February 2015 2:26

or "you got yourself in quite a shituation"

Reply

royceda510 | 10

#6202888 - Sunday 15 February 2015 2:45

For fucks sake I apologize. Jesus, I didn't realize you people took shitty puns seriously

Reply

Retaheki | 27

#6202900 - Sunday 15 February 2015 3:09

Most overused pun on FML, but at least you kept it fresh with crappy instead of shitty.

Reply

Johnnycake23 | 42

#6202909 - Sunday 15 February 2015 3:35

I thumbs upped just for your name.

Reply

Paws_Cat | 29

#6202983 - Sunday 15 February 2015 5:16

Was that one intentional or no?

By swaftmasterj627 | 12

#6202740 - Saturday 14 February 2015 23:23

Because a child that young could understand something like that

By hypoxicischemia | 11

#6202742 - Saturday 14 February 2015 23:23

South Park does it again

Reply

NeatNit | 32

#6202806 - Sunday 15 February 2015 0:06

which episode was this? I don't remember it but now I wanna watch it :)

Reply

davidpropert | 32

#6202812 - Sunday 15 February 2015 0:29

#24 it was the TSA (toilet safety administration) episode ;)

Reply

ProgMetalMan | 8

#6202840 - Sunday 15 February 2015 1:10

It was called Reverse Cowgirl.

Reply

ColonelCusswords | 24

#6202937 - Sunday 15 February 2015 4:21

What the fuck clyde?! put the god damn toilet seat down you asshole!

By hazukilockheart | 13

#6202745 - Saturday 14 February 2015 23:25

let me check inside yo asshole

By Mossygirl357 | 12

#6202746 - Saturday 14 February 2015 23:26

I'd be so mad at the older sister.

By pugpuggy | 21

#6202749 - Saturday 14 February 2015 23:27

Intestines getting flushed down the toilet.

Because intelligence!

Reply

Kielnmsoftly | 26

#6202889 - Sunday 15 February 2015 2:46

It's actually happened though. Who the fuck's so stupid they can't check to make sure the toilet seat is down?

Reply

TomatoGuts | 10

#6202984 - Sunday 15 February 2015 5:17

Yes, because leaving the seat up means that your intestines

Reply

TomatoGuts | 10

#6202985 - Sunday 15 February 2015 5:17

Yes, because leaving the seat up means that your intestines

Reply

militarybrat | 21

#6203079 - Sunday 15 February 2015 6:48

Stupid? It is a brain thing, like when you are driving and you automatically go a certain way even though that isn't where you want to go. Happens all the time. Especially when you have to go really bad. Not stupid. Be a gentleman and put the seat down!

Reply

pugpuggy | 21

#6205019 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 17:02

If you leave the toilet seat up your intestines won't come ripping out of your ass.

Reply

pugpuggy | 21

#6230205 - Thursday 12 March 2015 19:08

#63
But... If you leave the seat up your intestines aren't going to get fucked down the toilet. -_-

By crazyindynathan | 13

#6202750 - Saturday 14 February 2015 23:28

Sounds like a shitty situation to me...

By Attacksloth | 33

#6202754 - Saturday 14 February 2015 23:31

A word of advice for people who insist on using the same three puns: Stop.

Reply

Mauskau | 35

#6203154 - Sunday 15 February 2015 8:54

Your comment is surrounded by 3 comments saying the same pun, two of them identical. I miss when comments were creative.