By ssssssssuck a dick, boss - United States - Kalispell

I can't help it!

Today, my manager took me aside and angrily told me to quit fucking about with our customers. He totally refuses to believe that the slight whistling sound I keep making when I exhale is because I have a chipped tooth. FML

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Rock, hard place

Messed up

Not now, mom!

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was walking to bed in fancy panties and a tight black tank top. My husband exclaimed, "This is the best part about being a grown up!" He was talking about the ice cream he was eating in bed. FML

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By Lovenem - United States

Today, my girlfriend said "It's funny how every time we have sex I'm wearing these panties." We've been having sex every day for the last six days. FML

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By Woody - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I went to take a dump at work, but the last person in the stall didn't flush. As I flushed for him, the shitty water splashed on my face. Some went in my mouth. FML

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By ShockBait - United States

Today, it was my next-door neighbor's birthday. Over the past year, his pitbull has attacked my stepdad several times and put some stiches on me. Lucky for us, the dog was finally put down. For his birthday my neighbor got a new, bigger, pitbull. FML

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By kaley

Real dream

Today, I woke up to find that I had given myself a haircut in my sleep. I have a presentation today and a job interview tomorrow. FML

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By girlmeetsworld - United States

Today, my four-year-old cousin gave me a hug, basically stuffing his face into my crotch. Then he pulled it out and said "Ew, that's stinky" in front of my entire class. FML

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By Snowzies - United Kingdom

Today, it was snowing really badly, so my boss said that everyone who drove to work could leave. But because I got the bus in, she said that I should stay and do a full day. By the time she eventually decided it was bad enough for me to leave, the buses were cancelled. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I wanted to sleep in after a rough week, only to be woken up by my roommate's sex screams and the pounding of her bed against the wall. Earplugs did not help. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/6/2020 05:00

Manly men fighting

Today, my boyfriend got drunk and had a fistfight with a dumb teenager, which was bad enough, but he also lost the fight, which was just pathetic and embarrassing. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I found out the real reason why my brother wasn't at his fiancé's Halloween party. He's been in jail for the past 3 months. When was anyone going to tell me? FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I got my first acting part. I played the role of a bad boy who has to grab the leading lady's ass, who then slaps me in the face. The ass grab was done in one take. The slap required 14 takes. FML

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By Taylor - United States

Today, after spending time with my daughter and painting her nails she gives me a hug and says, "Mommy I love you, but I love daddy much better!" FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Saint-laurent

Today, my 17 year old told me he wanted to pursue a career in art. Knowing he's extremely talented at drawing, I congratulated him and told him to pursue that dream. A few hours later I learn that he's been arrested for spray painting graffiti dicks all over a school wall. Well, he's famous now. FML

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By a816090

Family portrait

Today, my boyfriend sent a picture of me posing with our dog to his family via a group text. Along with our 25" bong. FML

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By heheheh - Canada

Today, I burned my tongue. With a flat iron. FML

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By D: - United States - Denver

Today, I was on my way to work when my ex-wife drove past me in the car she got from me. She fucked me over so hard in the divorce that I have to ride my bike to work while wearing a full suit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - South Sioux City

Today, I told my family I was divorcing my husband. My little sister asked if "we can keep him instead". FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2020 13:58

You dingdong!

Today, I was copying an assignment from my friend and was feeling confident that I was gonna pass. I later found out I copied his name too, so the teacher failed us both. He won't talk to me now. FML

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By ash - United States - Winnebago

Today, I went shopping on my only day off. The only aisle open was self-checkout. I'm a cashier. FML

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By menerethrr - United States

Today, I sent my best friend Mike the link to a porn site we were talking about at a party. Turns out the name "Mom" is right next to "Mike" in my contacts list. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met a really nice guy. He was funny, handsome, and we were both into each other. He told me his name, and when I replied with mine, it came out sounding like "I'm a bear." FML

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By romoangel - 21/4/2020 05:00

Full of it

Today, I felt a very sharp pain, like my appendix was going to burst. After going to the doctor, I was rushed to the hospital to get tests done. The doctors later told me there's nothing wrong, I was just constipated. I went to the hospital for them to basically tell me I'm full of shit. FML

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By scarred for life - Canada - Brampton

Today, as a pizza delivery guy, I was forced to see yet another naked 200 pound teenage girl with a serious case of body acne. They're starting to give me nightmares. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland - Cork

Today, I was on a rowing machine at the gym, listening to a podcast. Something funny was said, I laughed, lost my balance and fell off, with my feet still stuck in the footrests. Someone had to come and help me off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the weather was beautiful, so I decided to go out skating. I guess I took a wrong turn into a bad neighborhood, because I ended up being chased several blocks by a group of jacked-up thugs wielding baseball bats and taunting, "Skate or die, homie!" FML

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By LockedOut - United States

Today, I woke up to a brand new password on my phone that only my wife knows. Apparently, she thinks I've been looking at my phone more than I've been talking to her lately. FML

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By Mel - United States

Today, my fire alarm startled me so badly that I shit myself. FML

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By cchandler - United States

Today, I received a phone call from the number of a "single" guy I met online. It was his wife, who is three months pregnant. She threatened to kick my ass. FML

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By liz - United States

Today, I was walking in Walmart and this cute guy walked by me and winked. I thought he wanted to talk so I followed him around the store trying to catch up. Turns out it wasn't a wink, he had something in his eye. And he told the security person that a weird girl was stalking him. FML

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By sixsix - France

Today, I made love to my girlfriend. I penetrated her for a while, then stopped to get my breath back... She carried on moaning even though I'd stopped moving. FML

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By k - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend came over. After I finished pouring my heart out to him about how much I missed him, and how much I loved him, he looks at me and asks "So are we gonna do it, or what?" FML

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By club goer - Canada

Today, I uploaded a new Facebook profile photo, which got over 20 likes in the space of an hour. The most I've ever gotten before was 10. Surprised, I went to check my picture again, only to notice two guys were sarcastically flipping me the bird in the background. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while working as a waitress, an attractive woman sat at one of my tables. When she paid, I decided to be bold and write my number and "Call me" on her receipt. She put in a complaint to my manager. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hurricane

Today, at work, I wanted to scare my best friend, who is also my coworker. Thinking that he was cleaning the women's bathroom, I snuck in and right when I was about to scare him, my store director came out of the stall. FML

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By fmcsl

Today, a customer bought a luggage tag and asked what it was for. I explained and she asked if she had to hang it around her neck. I explained again and she said she didn’t have her luggage with her so did she have to hang it around her neck? FML

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By Alexman1985

Today, while paying a $60 tab on drinks for a girl, a guy grabs the money-clip out of my hand and runs. I start to chase after him; the girl trips me, then runs after him. The bartender calls the cops; not to catch the thieves, but to report me for not paying. FML

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By zitgirl - United States

Today, after 22 years of perfect skin, I woke up with a bunch of angry zits on my nose. I used a clay face mask that was supposed to dry them out. Instead, they were bigger and green. Today is Valentine's day, I finally have a guy to go out with, and my nose looks like it's rotting off. FML

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By resurrected - United Kingdom - Worthing

Today, I collected my new timetable at college only to find I've been dropped from all my classes. I've been listed as deceased. I'm definitely not dead and have no idea how I supposedly died. FML

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By gaagaa - United States

Today, a lady told me her husband had sinus surgery. I replied, "Oh, I know someone who just had that done." I then realized I meant Alexis on The Real Housewives of the OC. FML

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By - United States - Gualala

Today, while house sitting for my mother and stepfather, their elderly dog passed away. They live in such a remote location, the closest open vet office is a 2 hour drive, and the local one opens in 10 hours. FML

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Top comments

By HeyHeyFishFillet | 34

#5633560 - Monday 19 August 2013 2:07

So many douchebag/stupid boss-related FML's lately... how do those kind of people even get that position?

By etishuman22 | 32

#5633568 - Monday 19 August 2013 2:10

Maybe you could tell him you're just trying to make the best of things? You know...whistling while you work? I'm sorry I immediately thought of the old Disney movie "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves" when I read this post.

COMMENTS

By K410 | 18

#5633536 - Monday 19 August 2013 2:02

Lol it's like that movie the out of towners. But sorry that your boss is a dick hope your next job pays more.

Reply

imonkeyface | 9

#5633618 - Monday 19 August 2013 2:37

It never said he got fired or quit.

Reply

K410 | 18

#5633660 - Monday 19 August 2013 3:16

Well not like she's gonna be there for life I'm just wishing her next job is gonna be much better

Reply

K410 | 18

#5633862 - Monday 19 August 2013 6:38

So I'm getting disliked because I'm wishing op better luck in the future? Lol something is wrong with you people...

Reply

dawnimus | 21

#5633947 - Monday 19 August 2013 7:56

Calm down, get buried, move on. There's more to life than being thumbed up.

By klovemachine | 24

#5633559 - Monday 19 August 2013 2:07

Your boss is a loser :-)

Reply

NoMore_CoolNames | 14

#5633768 - Monday 19 August 2013 4:45

Really?

Reply

ariiewilliams | 17

#5633774 - Monday 19 August 2013 4:50

More like unreasonable about other peoples' problem.

By HeyHeyFishFillet | 34

#5633560 - Monday 19 August 2013 2:07

So many douchebag/stupid boss-related FML's lately... how do those kind of people even get that position?

By magicman37 | 8

#5633565 - Monday 19 August 2013 2:09

Must be pretty creepy for the customers

By etishuman22 | 32

#5633568 - Monday 19 August 2013 2:10

Maybe you could tell him you're just trying to make the best of things? You know...whistling while you work? I'm sorry I immediately thought of the old Disney movie "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves" when I read this post.

By HeartOfLead | 24

#5633569 - Monday 19 August 2013 2:11

If OP is a vet, that would explain why the animals are always at attention...

Reply

hetalia_thailand | 20

#6014276 - Monday 21 July 2014 19:55

I like the image of all the animals in the pet clinic suddenly jumping up and paying attention when OP speaks

By ty7in_topic | 31

#5633583 - Monday 19 August 2013 2:16

Your username says it all OP.

By UnluckyGenius | 21

#5633590 - Monday 19 August 2013 2:19

Your boss just doesn't appreciate mouth breathers is all.

Reply

IHATEFMYLIFE | 26

#5633801 - Monday 19 August 2013 5:23

I know. Mouth breathers are people too and need jobs. I would report him for discrimination OP. thats so unfair to all mouth breathers everywhere! Lol

Reply

UnluckyGenius | 21

#5633807 - Monday 19 August 2013 5:29

To be honest I agree with his boss, I know this girl.
Let's say her name is Sandra, always needs a special helmet when we go do something because she breathes through her mouth. No helmet = plans cancelled.
So inconvenient.

By olpally | 32

#5633622 - Monday 19 August 2013 2:40

Nice username. Lol. Explain why you do that. What a judgmental twat.

By Jellybean22 | 14

#5633623 - Monday 19 August 2013 2:40

Get a better job so you can get it fixed?