By ssssssssuck a dick, boss - United States - Kalispell

I can't help it!

Today, my manager took me aside and angrily told me to quit fucking about with our customers. He totally refuses to believe that the slight whistling sound I keep making when I exhale is because I have a chipped tooth. FML

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Commando

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

A mother's love…

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while working at a children's toy store, a woman walked in, looked around a bit, then asked if we sell dildos. FML

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By angelisa - United States - Yuba City

Today, I finally felt ready to lose my virginity with my boyfriend. Unfortunately he was too embarrassed to go and buy some condoms, and suggested in all seriousness that we use a sandwich bag instead. FML

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By dumpyhair

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because he, "just can't keep dating a girl with so many split ends." FML

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By Rekt - United States - Federal Way

Today, I was taking a break in my work truck when I saw a huge swarm of bees flying my way. I have a hand crank window so I started cranking it up as fast as I could and the knob snapped off before it closed and I got stung by the whole swarm before I could get out. FML

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By save the koalas? uhh - Australia - Brisbane

Today, our guest lecturer told us to imagine 25,000 dead koalas in our lecture theatre, and if that didn't make us emotional then we didn't care about them. She then went on a rant, during which she encouraged us to join the "koala army". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my new girlfriend, with whom I have not had sex, showed me her collection of sex toys. She picked up one approximately the size of my forearm and said "This one is my favorite" now I'm scared for her to see me naked. FML

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By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Sweden

Dad prank #9866

Today, I had to basically ground my own husband, after he tricked our 6-year-old son into getting his tongue stuck to a frozen pole. FML

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By MothmanKirbaby - 10/4/2021 14:00

Awkward pause

Today, a close friend called me to inform me of his newest relationship, and why he's kept it from me - he's been seeing his male cousin for several months and was tired of hiding it from the world. I had to keep my shock in check over the phone. FML

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By myrie - United States

Today, I asked a guy out on a coffee date, and we started talking about our mutual careers. At the end of the date he asked me if I had any more questions about job opportunities or any more advice, then shook my hand and gave me his contact card. FML

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By henley

Today, I told my boyfriend that I didn't want to go out with him because I was having a fat day. After ten minutes of fighting, he threw a ring box on the floor and stormed out. I basically refused his proposal because of my body issues. FML

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By BilletsDoudous - France

Today, I'm a ticket inspector on a train. A suspiciously-acting guy of about 30 gets on board with two huge bags. Worried, I keep an eye on him. I wasn't disappointed when he got 5 furry toys out of his bags and started to have a conversation with them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gloucester

Thanks Karen

Today, I was taking a customer's order, when she said she'd better go for a salad, because she was getting fat. She was actually very slim, so I told her she wasn't fat at all. She took one look at me and snorted "Yeah, not compared to you, that's for sure." FML

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By Tee - Australia

Today, I was saying goodbye to my boyfriend before I got on my bus. As I turned to get on, the door closed on my face. I knocked on the door. The driver looked at me, and while still staring at me, drove off. FML

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By zephyrgk - United States - Wilmington

Today, I was grounded by my dad for "popping pills like a gangbanger". I take prescription ADHD medicine and a multi-vitamin. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ewa Beach

Today, my neighbor came over and yelled at me for traumatizing her kids. What did I do? Nothing. Her kids entered my back yard, dug up my 1-month-dead hamster and freaked out. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I drove 100 miles from my parents house to mine. I had only a few miles left when I realized I really had to pee. I didn't want to pull over somewhere when I was so close to home, so I sped up. A cop pulled me over a block from my house. I started to sob, and ended up peeing myself. FML

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By Chesty Larue - United States

Today, I got fired from my part-time job, because I insisted on keeping my phone in my pocket and never using it, instead of putting it in locker without a lock or security camera, that anyone can go through. The manager found out by searching my locker for the past 3 weeks. Ironic. FML

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By Andrew7847 - United States - Fort Worth

Bad hair day

Today, I discovered I have really bad dandruff. I learned this when I went indoor mini golfing and my whole upper body lit up like a Christmas tree underneath the black light. Among my friends I'm now known as the abominable snowman. FML

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By Brett

Today, Club Penguin finally shut down. I then got a call from one of my employees, who said that he needed to take a day off from work to, "emotionally deal with the issue." FML

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By me - United States

Today, I was sword fighting in a play when I accidentally hit the other person in the head. He called me a bitch and stormed off stage, leaving me alone with an audience of 50. FML

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By notsurprised - United States

Today, I woke up to my mom washing the dishes completely naked. Sadly, I was more surprised by the fact she was doing the dishes than the fact that that she was strutting about in her birthday suit. FML

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By pipefitter28 - Canada - Vernon

Today, I tried to impress a girl at the gym on the squat rack, but let out a big fart. She was grossed out and laughed at me with her friends. Her boyfriend came over and told me I was a dead man, and I'd better leave. I'm now the proud owner of a year membership at a gym I can't go to. FML

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By Timmah - United States

Today, I got written up at work for making a customer feel bad. I made him feel bad by laughing uncontrollably at him when he asked if we sold real light sabers. FML

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By mudafkrmas - Canada

Today, I was trying to look cute in front of this really nice guy. I sure hope he thinks smacking into a pole, rebounding backwards and knocking over an old man is cute. FML

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By girlwithaprob - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me I was the only girl he'd ever text, call, or flirt with again. Later on he told two other girls exactly the same thing on Facebook, not realizing that everybody can read wall messages. FML

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By Anonymous

I am the law

Today I got a ticket for driving on the wrong side of the road. It was a one-way street. FML

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By UhhhUhhhRRRick - United States

Today, an elderly gentleman walked into the UPS Store where I work asking to use the laminating machine. I explained to him that we keep it behind the counter and I would do it for him, when he produced several graphic photos of him having it off with nasty looking women to be laminated. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I was life guarding at a community pool and noticed a toddler go under water. I quickly jumped in and suddenly got a charlie horse which caused me to stall. When I looked up, I saw an old woman saving him, and got a shoe thrown at my head. I was fired. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Anyway, here's Wonderwall

Today, I was walking down the street with my acoustic guitar on my back. I saw a girl that I like coming down the opposite way, so I decided to play my guitar to try and impress her. I started to tune it quickly, but while I wasn't paying attention, I ran into a pole. Now my guitar is cracked. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - K?ln

Today, my husband showed up late to my mother's funeral. He swaggered in, happily finishing off a half-eaten taco. His excuse for why he was so cheerful: "She was an in-law, honey." Good to know I married a piece of shit in disguise. FML

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By mac - Australia - Bankstown

Today, my roommate showed me a video of a cockroach crawling all over my face while I was asleep in the lounge. FML

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By loner - United States - Madison

Today, I noticed that I get more calls from people who've dialed the wrong number than I do from people I actually know. FML

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By nuberific - Canada

Today, I was in the change room at the local YMCA. I went to use the hair dryer but couldn't because a naked old man was bent over, butt cheeks spread wide with his hands, and ass aimed at the dryer. He seemed to be enjoying it. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Brampton

Today, I got into a fistfight with a complete idiot wearing a panda outfit. My face now looks like a real panda's. FML

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By wish.was.single - Canada

Today, my boyfriend kept whining at me, asking why I wouldn't have sex with him, seemingly not caring that my parents were in the room. FML

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By mala_19 - Sweden - Skellefte?

Follow the instructions

Today, I used a menstrual cup for the first time. When I took it out, a big chunk of dog hair came with it. I think I'm too grossed out to ever use it again. FML

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By ChrisD2V - United States

Today, I photocopied several hundred pages of my school's textbook because I didn't want to buy it. My school later says to just buy it and it will be reimbursed. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2020 14:01

Office world is hell

Today, at work I was sitting on the toilet and a coworker came in and yelled, “That sounded like a big one!” and wouldn't leave until I left came out of the stall. FML

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By cantgetup - Canada

Today, I discovered that my girlfriend can only orgasm when we have sex to gospel music. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while eating s'mores with my boyfriend's family, I misplaced my false tooth. With a team of flashlights and hurt pride, my expensive tooth was found. In dog shit. FML

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Top comments

By HeyHeyFishFillet | 34

#5633560 - Monday 19 August 2013 2:07

So many douchebag/stupid boss-related FML's lately... how do those kind of people even get that position?

By etishuman22 | 32

#5633568 - Monday 19 August 2013 2:10

Maybe you could tell him you're just trying to make the best of things? You know...whistling while you work? I'm sorry I immediately thought of the old Disney movie "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves" when I read this post.

COMMENTS

By K410 | 18

#5633536 - Monday 19 August 2013 2:02

Lol it's like that movie the out of towners. But sorry that your boss is a dick hope your next job pays more.

Reply

imonkeyface | 9

#5633618 - Monday 19 August 2013 2:37

It never said he got fired or quit.

Reply

K410 | 18

#5633660 - Monday 19 August 2013 3:16

Well not like she's gonna be there for life I'm just wishing her next job is gonna be much better

Reply

K410 | 18

#5633862 - Monday 19 August 2013 6:38

So I'm getting disliked because I'm wishing op better luck in the future? Lol something is wrong with you people...

Reply

dawnimus | 21

#5633947 - Monday 19 August 2013 7:56

Calm down, get buried, move on. There's more to life than being thumbed up.

By klovemachine | 24

#5633559 - Monday 19 August 2013 2:07

Your boss is a loser :-)

Reply

NoMore_CoolNames | 14

#5633768 - Monday 19 August 2013 4:45

Really?

Reply

ariiewilliams | 17

#5633774 - Monday 19 August 2013 4:50

More like unreasonable about other peoples' problem.

By HeyHeyFishFillet | 34

#5633560 - Monday 19 August 2013 2:07

So many douchebag/stupid boss-related FML's lately... how do those kind of people even get that position?

By magicman37 | 8

#5633565 - Monday 19 August 2013 2:09

Must be pretty creepy for the customers

By etishuman22 | 32

#5633568 - Monday 19 August 2013 2:10

Maybe you could tell him you're just trying to make the best of things? You know...whistling while you work? I'm sorry I immediately thought of the old Disney movie "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves" when I read this post.

By HeartOfLead | 24

#5633569 - Monday 19 August 2013 2:11

If OP is a vet, that would explain why the animals are always at attention...

Reply

hetalia_thailand | 20

#6014276 - Monday 21 July 2014 19:55

I like the image of all the animals in the pet clinic suddenly jumping up and paying attention when OP speaks

By ty7in_topic | 31

#5633583 - Monday 19 August 2013 2:16

Your username says it all OP.

By UnluckyGenius | 21

#5633590 - Monday 19 August 2013 2:19

Your boss just doesn't appreciate mouth breathers is all.

Reply

IHATEFMYLIFE | 26

#5633801 - Monday 19 August 2013 5:23

I know. Mouth breathers are people too and need jobs. I would report him for discrimination OP. thats so unfair to all mouth breathers everywhere! Lol

Reply

UnluckyGenius | 21

#5633807 - Monday 19 August 2013 5:29

To be honest I agree with his boss, I know this girl.
Let's say her name is Sandra, always needs a special helmet when we go do something because she breathes through her mouth. No helmet = plans cancelled.
So inconvenient.

By olpally | 32

#5633622 - Monday 19 August 2013 2:40

Nice username. Lol. Explain why you do that. What a judgmental twat.

By Jellybean22 | 14

#5633623 - Monday 19 August 2013 2:40

Get a better job so you can get it fixed?