Miscellaneous: Today, my wife wants to name our first child Siri, after the... - FML

By boo8713 - 28/11/2012 06:06 - United States - Bell

Today, my wife wants to name our first child Siri, after the iPhone function. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 402

You deserved it 2 851

Our house, in the middle of our street

Nutter on the bus

Stay at home, especially you

By jealouspussy - 20/02/2013 06:55 - United States - Los Angeles

Spicy

Today, I was giving my guy a blowjob. When he blurted out, "Oh Jesus" I assumed I was doing a good job. I looked up to see the expression on his face and noticed a look of terror. He was staring at my growling cat, two seconds away from clawing his face off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 374

You deserved it 5 954

By Anonymous - 30/06/2009 18:57 - Canada

Today, I saw a drunk guy hitting on a girl sitting alone at the bar. She insisted that her boyfriend was there, but he didn't relent. So I went over and put my arm around her and asked "Who's this guy?" He walked away, but then I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was her boyfriend. He broke my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 84 540

You deserved it 13 092

By pickit - 25/02/2010 02:26 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I brought to her attention a rather large zit on the corner of her mouth. She called me an insensitive prick. I only pointed it out because I didn't want other people to see it and make fun of her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 232

You deserved it 20 787

By Moody - 28/10/2009 19:14 - United States

Spicy

Today, I opened my personal laptop at a company meeting. I forgot that the battery died while watching a porno last night. It was ten seconds of slurping, spitting and gagging. It was my first day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 367

You deserved it 38 056

By Skankeriffic - 19/02/2010 05:13 - United States

Today, I sat in bumper-to-bumper traffic for half an hour. The entire time, a man I had gone on a date with and that had gotten very out of hand with, was sitting in the car next to me. I noticed, panicked, and tried to drive off, rear-ending the car in front of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 204

You deserved it 30 623

By awkardtaco - 28/09/2018 13:30

Today, in spite of 2 different types of bug spray, underwear, and jeans, I discovered not one, but two mosquito bites on my vagina. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 555

You deserved it 216

By ScaryOldMan - 07/10/2009 07:57 - United States

Today, while trying to sleep, I kept hearing this groan/scream for help for about an hour. I decided to call 911 to send someone to investigate. Police came, I received a $100 parking fine and another citation for improper use of 911. The noise? Just a dog howling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 556

You deserved it 13 218

Evil will always win

By Anonymous - 04/05/2020 08:00

Today, I tried to suspend a junior accountant for turning up to work late and stoned 3 separate times. Turns out his uncle is a part owner of the business, so the accountant got to smile his smug little grin as I got yelled at for not minding my own business. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 988

You deserved it 177

By Anonymous - 25/10/2009 18:28 - United States

Today, while at the store, my fly became undone. It doesn't seem that bad unless an old lady comes to "zip it up for you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 265

You deserved it 4 111

By Anonymous - 02/09/2015 13:29 - United Kingdom

Today, I was diagnosed with depression. My girlfriend's idea of consoling me was to break up with me because she can't date a "psycho". FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 708

You deserved it 2 175

By arrogantlondon - 16/04/2009 04:11 - United States

Today, I went shopping with my friend. The store was having a special where if you spend over $75 you receive a free T-shirt. I paid for my items and my total was over $75. The salesman didn't hand me a shirt so I asked him for one. He looks at me and says "I'm sorry, we only have Mediums." FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 339

You deserved it 7 386

By mocass’1 - 13/10/2008 08:19 - France

Today, in class, I was sitting next to the guy that I fancy. Shyly, I write our initials (L and A) into a heart on his hand to see his reaction. He said, "I love Los Angeles too!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 96 533

You deserved it 43 774

By Anonymous - 25/01/2013 22:41 - United States

Today, my school's ski trip got canceled, because "All the snow makes the roads unsafe." We can't go skiing because it's snowing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 553

You deserved it 3 309

Can't win

By Anonymous - 24/09/2019 22:00

Spicy

Today, I was in the mood for morning sex, but my wife told me to go wank it off in the bathroom. Three minutes later I was mid-wank when she started banging on the door because I was taking too long, and she needed to pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 037

You deserved it 327

By eaa145 - 03/03/2009 21:40 - United States

Spicy

Today, for my two-year anniversary I got my girlfriend a very expensive diamond necklace. She got me male enhancement pills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 158 120

You deserved it 18 193

By rawkdinosawr - 09/05/2009 15:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I had a massive argument with my boyfriend in which he called me stupid repeatedly. I stomped out of his house and sent a very angry text to my best friend about him. She didn't text back. Then my boyfriend texted. 'My girlfriend is so stupid she can't even text the right number.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 996

You deserved it 76 927

By lala7 - 20/08/2011 23:02 - United States

Today, my brother told the family that if you pull on the dog's back foot then she always obeys. I later found my mom tugging on the dog's foot whispering "jump off a cliff" repeatedly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 058

You deserved it 2 549

By Bob H. - 26/10/2014 13:54 - Canada - Qu?bec

Today, my son asked for my help with a personal matter. I was flattered that he trusted me, since he's a paranoid, untrusting psycho. Turned out he wanted to use my locksmith skills to break into his ex's house and "teach her a lesson" for breaking up with him after he cheated on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 510

You deserved it 5 364

By lovelychris - 16/12/2012 19:15 - Brazil - S?o Paulo

Today, my "friends" set me up on a blind date with a guy who according to their description, sounded perfect in just about every way. He turned out to be my obsessive ex, and this is their idea of a funny prank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 291

You deserved it 3 339

By ShellShocked - 30/03/2013 04:06 - United States

Today, I turned 18. My parents got me a pineapple and a pair of socks. I'm allergic to pineapple, and the socks are too small. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 749

You deserved it 3 054

Some help you were

By Logged Off - 02/01/2022 07:59

Today, I turned my phone off for the first time in three weeks to have a one-hour nap. I had kept it on because my next door neighbour has health problems and I offered to be an emergency call if he needed help. I was woken up by two ambulances arriving at his house. Turning on my phone, he'd left me 5 voicemails. FML

I agree, your life sucks 928

You deserved it 808

By crystalwho - 20/01/2009 21:06 - United States

Today, I went downstairs to grab a snack and a glass of Silk (you know, the soymilk). When I get back to my room, I go to throw the snack on my bed to shut the door, but I tossed with the wrong hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 404

You deserved it 24 373

Just a friend

By UnluckyTh1rteen - 27/08/2020 14:19 - United States - New York

Today, my boyfriend went to get coffee with a friend. As a joke, I texted him to ask how his date with his other girlfriend was going. It really was a date, and apparently it went very well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 718

You deserved it 180

Don't hate the player…

By He who is free of sin casts the first stone. - 16/06/2021 14:01

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend confessed to me that she'd cheated on me with my best friend. I can't get mad at her, because I cheated on her with him before she did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 224

You deserved it 1 723

By Phoenix0614 - 25/01/2010 05:33 - United States

Today, I went to the grocery store, and I realized that all I bought was cat food and $30 worth of protein bars. Yes, I have become THAT single woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 385

You deserved it 7 273

By Anonymous - 08/05/2009 03:02 - Canada

Today, I was at a restaurant when I heard a young girl telling her father she didn't think she was pretty. When I got up to leave, I walked past her table and told her she was beautiful. Her dad then punched me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 930

You deserved it 16 464

By Gurl - 07/09/2012 22:32 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, the iPhone app I downloaded that plays cricket noises during the night, has attracted a horde of actual crickets into my bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 402

You deserved it 28 501

By Anonymous - 02/09/2013 05:14 - United States - Asheboro

Today, I received an email from my professor asking me not to jump ahead on assignments as it makes the other students look bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 126

You deserved it 7 463

By Anonymous - 11/11/2012 18:50 - United States - La Porte

Today, the father of my unborn child told me he isn't sure he'll be able to make it to the birth, since there's no guarantee of when it will happen, so he can't schedule time off. This would be understandable if he actually had a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 883

You deserved it 6 278

By Oh God - 24/05/2018 06:00

Spicy

Today, I met my new boyfriend’s family for the first time. Unfortunately for me, his dad walked in to ask what we wanted for dinner while we were having sex. Even worse was that my boyfriend kept going while his dad was there, and his dad later said he was glad I was “the woman”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 976

You deserved it 1 393

Medicare for all, please

By thefirstcutisthedeepest - 30/09/2021 14:01

Today, I cut my leg deeply at the beginning of my work shift. I wrapped it up with packing tape and a thankfully sterile paper towel, and had to work 6 more hours before I could leave. I made 110 dollars at work, only to spend 120 on stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 988

You deserved it 151

By Lililaloose - 24/12/2008 04:11 - France

Today, while I was looking for a file on my boyfriend's hard drive, I came across photos of a half-naked woman wearing my clothes, but whose head wasn't really visible. When I demanded an explanation, I realised that it wasn't another girl - it was him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 825

You deserved it 3 573

By nightmarestonite - 16/12/2013 21:54 - Canada

Today, I was admiring a beautiful painting I had hung in my bedroom. My brother kindly pointed out that when flipped upside down, it takes the shape of a lunatic girl with bleeding eyes. Now I can't unsee it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 265

You deserved it 4 293

By Anonymous - 06/07/2009 19:21 - United States

Spicy

Today, being on my boyfriend's street bike for ten minutes gave me an orgasm. My boyfriend of three years, who constantly tries so hard to get me to, has never given me an orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 084

You deserved it 7 231

By ohno - 01/12/2011 14:38 - United States

Today, due to "severe cuts to the budget" at work, I had to stir my coffee with a paper clip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 327

You deserved it 5 425

By mikey - 14/10/2010 13:05 - United States

Today, I realized that the full body wax I got two weeks ago that my wife told me would look sexy doesn't just make me look like a completely hairless ten-year-old boy. The ingrown hairs everywhere now make me look like someone with chicken pox. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 139

You deserved it 7 038

By Anonymous - 18/09/2009 22:01 - United States

Today, I got my first tattoo. When I showed my boyfriend, he asked where I got the design. I told him I saw it in a sketch book of his. He designed it for his last girlfriend, who got it in the same place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 118

You deserved it 61 173

By fothermuckerrr - 14/05/2010 04:07 - United States

Today, my best friend told me that she is only my friend because she is prettier than me and being my friend boost her confidence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 989

You deserved it 3 305

Public freakout

By erineilis - 16/08/2011 14:22 - United States

Today, while driving into work, a guy cut me off and I yelled some nasty things out of my window at him. He heard me, followed me to work, took a baseball bat out and then chased me into the office. He also smashed my windshield on his way out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 532

You deserved it 17 020

By Zebracat - 13/04/2011 06:15 - United States

Today, I was watching TV and started freaking out thinking I forgot to tell my boyfriend happy anniversary. I wrote him a text and after it sent, I realized the date is mine and my ex's anniversary date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 351

You deserved it 56 244

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Top comments

xlord 27

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Wednesday 28 November 2012 11:58

Well I hope your first child is smart, because people are going to be asking him/her a shit load of questions

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Wednesday 28 November 2012 11:57

Amazing. Your child will be talking since the birth.

Comments

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Wednesday 28 November 2012 11:57

Amazing. Your child will be talking since the birth.

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Wednesday 28 November 2012 13:23

Greek, Iris is the personification of the rainbow in Greek mythology!

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Wednesday 28 November 2012 14:12

Who needs Language Arts when you have your fellow FMLers?

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Wednesday 28 November 2012 15:41

Who needs language art when you have Percy Jackson?

sonrisapreciosa 6

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Wednesday 28 November 2012 17:40

Yeah like that one baby girl who's name is hashtag... People these days

Harpy20 24

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Wednesday 28 November 2012 19:00

103- if I ever randomly heard that name I would think she was middle eastern.

SnowWolfDancer 4

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Wednesday 28 November 2012 19:44

Iris is the messenger goddess in Greek mythology. pretty good naming idea to be honest...for Apple, not a child!

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Wednesday 28 November 2012 20:08

Actually, Siri is also an Indian name which means wealth. It's a pretty cool name back here.

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Thursday 29 November 2012 3:56

Snow wolf, iris would be a awesome name for a girl! It would mean she's intelligent and witty, and communicates with new people in message form.

broseph_joseph 5

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Thursday 29 November 2012 6:19

Hey, OP, it could be worse. I recently read about someone who named their baby girl "Hashtag".

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Thursday 29 November 2012 10:25

Or you know, some people are just stupid and name their kids "K-Uh" and it's supposed to be pronounced as Ka-Dash-Uh. True story. I wish I was making this atrocity up.

t_fml 11

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Friday 30 November 2012 3:15

The good thing it can tell you where the closest fast food restaurant is from your home!

xlord 27

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Wednesday 28 November 2012 11:58

Well I hope your first child is smart, because people are going to be asking him/her a shit load of questions

LaughinStock 16

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Wednesday 28 November 2012 12:33

Yeah stupid ones too. What can I help you with? Siri I want to hide a body. What kind of place are you looking for? Dumps, swamps, mortuaries, mines, funeral services, cremation services.

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Wednesday 28 November 2012 13:30

Ironic if he's asian..

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Wednesday 28 November 2012 14:51

Terms and services, second page of google, bing.

SHAMUS_the_WITTY 18

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Wednesday 28 November 2012 15:42

71, I accidentally thumbed down what may have been the seventh funniest comment I've ever read on this site. Have two bonus thumbs-ups.

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Wednesday 28 November 2012 16:27

I can only find businesses for you in the United States and when you are using English. That's what Siri says to me when I ask it something.

BrimfullOfAsher 20

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Thursday 29 November 2012 9:10

Siri, how do I get rid of dumb-as-a-doorknob parents?

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Friday 30 November 2012 15:10

Siri actually translates to Goddess of Wealth and God's gift of love in South Indian language Telugu. And means smile in another South Indian language Tamil.

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Wednesday 28 November 2012 11:58

Hopefully this one will function a lot better than Apple's...

sniken 14

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Wednesday 28 November 2012 12:13

Hopefully apple won't sue!

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Wednesday 28 November 2012 21:33

Sue... that would be a better name than Siri... or would it? Oh, who to ask!!

teamlightskin 14

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Wednesday 28 November 2012 21:36

My name is Siri. I have always been told it is a really pretty name, however i get a tad irritated when people try to throw the app siri into a conversation, and TRUST that happens alot. I like my name, its unique and not many Siri's by far. I think its pretty, but thts just my opinion.

tsent8 15

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Thursday 29 November 2012 1:48

Siri call me daddy.

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Sunday 2 December 2012 5:29

Answer to every question: "would you like me to search the web for...?"

DarkSeekerX94446 14

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Wednesday 28 November 2012 11:58

Well, if she's Siri-ous why not? No? Okay

ViviMage 38

Wednesday 28 November 2012 21:22

ROFL!

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Wednesday 28 November 2012 21:35

R-O-F-L? No, I don't get your pun...

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Wednesday 28 November 2012 21:37

Oh, and it's an extremely Siri idea OP!

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Thursday 29 November 2012 3:23

Lol! Good one!

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Wednesday 28 November 2012 11:58

You are the father, say "No".

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Wednesday 28 November 2012 12:20

It's not that simple...

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Wednesday 28 November 2012 12:31

He doesn't actually get a say. All he can do is try to change her mind.

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Wednesday 28 November 2012 13:02

Nova, you kinda sounded like a dick by the way you worded it but OP definitely has a say if he doesn't like the name.

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Wednesday 28 November 2012 13:12

Yes. Each parent has veto power when it comes to naming the child.

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Wednesday 28 November 2012 13:55

I'm pretty sure the father can say no. My dad did when it came to naming me. At least Siri can pass for a name, some parents tried to call their kid Hashtag the other day.

subwaysurfers 13

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Wednesday 28 November 2012 14:13

56, I heard they succeeded :O

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Wednesday 28 November 2012 14:30

56 They should have saved that name for the family cat.

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Wednesday 28 November 2012 14:56

And now your name is xMidna? :P

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Wednesday 28 November 2012 11:58

Awesome, the child will be your google.

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Wednesday 28 November 2012 12:06

How'd you know their next child's name?

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Wednesday 28 November 2012 13:46

I don't know about being google, but they'll probably offer to search google if you say anything to them that isn't a recognised command. You'll get kind of sick of it, actually.

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Wednesday 28 November 2012 14:31

Or your Jeeves.

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Wednesday 28 November 2012 11:58

uhhh... try suggesting some other names o.o

ariverperson 11

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Wednesday 28 November 2012 11:58

it's actually quite a pretty name

ABrokenHeart 11

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Wednesday 28 November 2012 13:11

My friend's name is Siri...

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Wednesday 28 November 2012 14:23

Who was born first the IPhone Siri or your friend

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Wednesday 28 November 2012 15:26

Obviously the iPhone Siri, because 37 is 15 and obviously hangs out with

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Wednesday 28 November 2012 15:57

uhh... what?

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Thursday 29 November 2012 0:58

My old teacher had a daughter named Serrie which was pronounced like Siri. The daughters full name was Serrius Lee.

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Friday 30 November 2012 5:30

Just make sure she never goes to Japan and you'll be alright! It means ass out there

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Wednesday 28 November 2012 11:59

Siri.... Siri.... It kind of has a nice ring to it.

oj101 33

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Wednesday 28 November 2012 13:55

Yes, that two tone ring which always plays when activated is orgasmic to the ear.

loloalltheway 23

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Wednesday 28 November 2012 15:13

For cats, I don't know if the name fits people...

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Wednesday 28 November 2012 11:59

Siri isn't a bad name, it's just the fact that it also happens to be an iPhone function. It would've bee worse if she'd wanted to name your first child iPhone or like Apple.

actnjakson3000 0

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Wednesday 28 November 2012 14:04

Someone did name their kid Apple

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Wednesday 28 November 2012 14:40

miss paltrow and cold play front man did

rocker_chick105 31

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Wednesday 28 November 2012 16:43

There's a family that named their kid Hashtag. How bad does Siri sound now

happle 21

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Wednesday 28 November 2012 20:57

I want to name my kid Apple. But not after the company, the actual fruit.

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Thursday 29 November 2012 9:27

Bear Grylls named his sons Steve, marmaduke, and huckleberry. His name is actually Edward but his mother's name is Lady. Weird names run in the family.

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Thursday 29 November 2012 13:49

But bear grylls can do that because he's the second coolest guy in the world

Nearly

Today I ripped my lovely £50 coat on barbed wire, what I only worn a hand full of times, ended up having to spend £10 to get it repaired, have to wait till Friday to pick it up, it’s only Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8

You deserved it 7

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 321

You deserved it 863

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 784

You deserved it 1 073