Love: Today, I was listening to music on my phone. I activated Siri... - FML

By JillianJuneBug - United States - Elmira

Today, I was listening to music on my phone. I activated Siri by mistake, which stopped the music. I told Siri to, "turn the damn music back on." She replied, "Now calling Afton." Afton is my ex. While trying to quickly end the call, my phone froze and the buttons stopped working. FML

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Sewer monster

Supply and demand

Fake it til you make it

By HomeChump - United States - Chicago

Today, I was so proud I'd fixed the toilet with a hardware store part without even having to call a plumber. As I happily put the lid back on the tank, I dropped the lid, which broke the tank, spilling water everywhere. Now I need a new toilet, a new floor, and I have to call the plumber. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my brother hugged me for the first time. Turns out he was patting me down to make sure I didn't have cigarettes. Love you too, bro. FML

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By littlemiss - Canada - Whitby

Today, my little sister chased me around the house with a mallet, giggling like a maniac. I ended up having to pin her to the ground, rip the mallet out of her hand and lock her in the bathroom. This isn't the first time. My mom still insists it's perfectly normal. FML

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By painfetish8021 - United States - Winston Salem

Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his parents. My boyfriend is Japanese, and I wanted to introduce myself in Japanese so I'd asked him. Little did I know he'd taught me how to say, "Hello, I love your son's cock." I almost got kicked out of their house. FML

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By shameonme - United States - Nampa

Today, I found out one of my friends had never seen the "Two Girls, One Cup" video, so I loaded it up and told him to watch it. I knew he was squeamish, but I didn't expect him to actually pass out. He cracked his head on the side of my desk and had to be rushed to the hospital. FML

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By anonymous - 14/11/2020 06:57 - United States - Irving

Entitled

Today, where I work at a pharmacy, we were short staffed and running 4 hours behind. A lady came to drop off a new prescription. When I explained to her the wait time, she called the patient. I heard ,"No, they don't look busy." Like, really? FML

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By Cerezo - Guatemala

Today, as I woke up early to do my physics homework, I heard my parents talk about how big a disappointment I am for them. They discussed how stupid, immature and how big a burden I was. They knew I was listening. FML

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By VaveJessop - 5/5/2020 20:00

Torn

Today, my 19-year-old best friend decided she's going to elope with her 30-year-old, alcoholic boyfriend, who she's only been dating for 5 months. She wants me to go with her and be her maid of honor. She says she'll never speak to me again if I don't support her terrible decision. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I worked up the courage to give a guy my number. I wrote it down on a piece of paper, tore it in half and gave it to him. Later, I noticed I'd given him the wrong, blank half. FML

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By Starving Student - United States - Tacoma

Today, I got a ticket for panhandling to get gas money so that I could both drive out to a job interview AND still have enough gas to pick up my dad. Apparently, these particular cops had nothing better to do than harass me for standing quietly next to a freeway entrance with a silly sign. FML

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By Cpt_Concerned - Canada

Today, I realized that my alcoholism has gotten so bad that I rotate liquor stores so the clerks don't think bad about me. FML

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By Cat - United Kingdom

Today, it's my Nana's birthday and to say she is having a good time is an understatement. She's so drunk, she took out her false teeth tried to put them in her dog's mouth. When she failed, she tried the cat's. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newark

Today, after dieting, rigorous exercising and a major lifestyle change, I have finally reached my fitness goal. My parents were more excited about my 17-year-old brother getting to 3rd base with his girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 400 pound roommate brought home a 400 pound guy. Now there's 800 pounds of sex going on in the next room, and it sounds like the invasion of Normandy in there. FML

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By gan-1991 - 15/6/2020 23:01

It's called caring, OK?

Today, it's my birthday. I woke up to the sound of my cat puking up a hairball. This is the second year in a row he has done this. FML

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By JustMarried - Ukraine

Today, my wife wanted to have a threesome. During our honeymoon. With the maid of honor. I didn't sign up for this. FML

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By braceface - United States

Today, I got my braces put on. This is the second time I've had them. The first time was after my cousin opened a car door in my face. This time a jock punched me in the mouth for saying that Reese's taste the same as Snickers peanut butter. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, my boyfriend left me for another girl. My dad's reaction to the news and my tears was to say, "Aww. Gonna write a song about it, Taylor Swift?" FML

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By WetPhone - United States

Today, I was being pulled into a pool by my girlfriend. To avoid ruining my phone, I tossed it into one of the chairs behind me. I missed and it landed into the hot tub behind it. FML

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By Firequeen

Today I visited my boyfriend's house for Thanksgiving. The fast food from the drive made me really need to poop, so I did my business and flipped on the air vent. Turns out the vent sparked a hot spot in the attic and caused a fire. I literally set my boyfriend's house on fire with my shit. FML

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By balkangirl94 - United States

Today, a guy tried to seduce me by talking about incest. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/7/2020 02:00

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

Today, I was told by Amazon that a belt I had ordered was arriving. I grabbed an Amazon package out of the mailbox without even checking who the package was addressed to. I now have an awkward apology ahead of me for opening my stepbrother's box of condoms. FML

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By boyfriend123 - United States

Today, my girlfriend woke me up at 5 am because she thought someone was watching her from the park. It was a trash can. FML

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By ECullen - United States

Today, I was talking to this guy that I like a lot and I think he likes me back. When he told me I was beautiful I laughed so hard that I farted. Loudly. FML

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By WellShit - United States - New Richland

Today, I found out that there's something my new wife hates more than spiders. Black people. FML

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By sagecamreyyy

Today, three days after my "friend" tried to cut all my hair off while I was asleep, she tried to poison me with a random chemical that was under my sink. She then told me she wanted me dead because I touched her senpai. Her senpai is my brother. FML

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By talhabilal - Pakistan

Today, I found out that my entire family thinks I have no friends, am expressionless (to quote, "a robot") and that my monotonous voice hints at the suppressed depression hidden deep inside me. According to them, I need psychic evaluation. It all came out at a family reunion. FML

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By smooth - United States

Today, a girl and I were flirting and it was going well. Feeling bold, I asked what she would do if I kissed her. She smiled flirtatiously and said "Why don't you try it and find out?" I went in for a kiss, and she slapped me. FML

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By Diffy - United States - Woburn

Today, as I was crossing an intersection, a car ran a red light and almost hit me. This kind of thing happens a lot in my town so I'm used to almost being run-down, except this time it was a small boy on his father's lap steering. The dad was laughing. FML

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By dahlia87 - United States

Today, I got an email from the Law School Admissions Council saying that they received my request for my LSAT cancellation and they are confirming that it has been cancelled. The email also said the score will not be reinstated for any reason. I never requested for my score to be cancelled. FML

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By Blanerd - United States

Today, I was in a work meeting because our clientele is unhappy with our service. I was in there because I don't correct our customers when they get my name wrong. My name is Blane, but "Blair", "Blake", "Lane", and "Glenn" got rave reviews. No one picked up on this. I hate my job. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to my girlfriend's and she was wearing some sexy lingerie. After making out passionately for 10 minutes, I started to undress myself, only to have her stop me, confessed that she still wasn't sexually attracted to me. FML

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By Metime - United States

Today, I ran out of my usual hand lotion that I use for 'me time'. I instead decided to try and us my after shave lotion as a replacement. Apparently, my member doesn't agree with one of the ingredients, and has now swollen to the size of my fist. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my boyfriend's 21st birthday. Along with a pair of $80 shoes, I bought him a birthday cake, his favorite ice cream and a $15 balloon. I showed up to the party and he was very intoxicated. So intoxicated that he pops the balloon, drops the cake, and throws up all over his new shoes. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2020 22:01 - Australia - Traralgon

Best gift ever

Today, my toddler handed me a present and told me to keep it forever. It was a piece of dog poo. FML

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By Wheredigowrong - United States - Ankeny

Today, my son came home for the fifth time saying he didn't get the job, wondering what he did wrong. I looked at his resumé; under special skills was, "Keeping it real." Apparently he saw it in a movie and thought it would work. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I declared I was done with online dating after several disasters. My friend set me up with a friend of her husband's. Turns out he's one of the men who rejected me on the website. He laughed when he saw me and said, "Well, this is awkward" and left. FML

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By Money Shot

Today, I was sunbathing by my pool, totally naked. After a while I got a boner and decided to jerk off. As I was about to finish, I rolled over to cum on the deck, but when I rolled back, my elderly neighbor yelled, "Don't do that in the open if you won’t give up the money shot." FML

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By silenceisgolden - 23/3/2020 01:39

Train guy

Today, a guy on the train was using his phone really loudly, asking Siri to call a bunch of people, or using voice command to do the most menial things. He was really, really noisy. It's only after I couldn't stand it any more and asked him to be quieter that I noticed the white cane next to him. FML

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By kitty shah - United States

Today, I was having a debate with my friend over tattoos. I used the example that you wouldn't put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari. He looked me in the eye and said, "Yeah, but you're no Ferrari. More like a Prius." FML

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Top comments

By pjsr | 32

#7404066 - Saturday 4 February 2017 0:42

Oh, that Siri has a wicked way of getting even when you curse at her!

By xbaconator9000x | 16

#7404057 - Saturday 4 February 2017 0:17

Coincidentally, I tried to click the "Your life sucks button" but my phone froze for a split second and I clicked the "You deserved it" button by accident.

So.... I feel your pain...?

COMMENTS

By EnJey0 | 19

#7404056 - Saturday 4 February 2017 0:17

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

TheBrenster | 2

#7404074 - Saturday 4 February 2017 0:55

Well calling from Siri with the new OS actually doesn't bring up the "end call" button to begin with, instead leaving your phone on lock screen. So one extra step you already have to take when she dials the wrong number for you anyway. Much higher chances on this iOS.

By xbaconator9000x | 16

#7404057 - Saturday 4 February 2017 0:17

Coincidentally, I tried to click the "Your life sucks button" but my phone froze for a split second and I clicked the "You deserved it" button by accident.

So.... I feel your pain...?

By pjsr | 32

#7404066 - Saturday 4 February 2017 0:42

Oh, that Siri has a wicked way of getting even when you curse at her!

By seenoevil818 | 13

#7404068 - Saturday 4 February 2017 0:51

Deleting your ex's number could have prevented that OP

Reply

TaoShaman | 24

#7404113 - Saturday 4 February 2017 2:20

People can't stay friends?

Reply

OhYouAreOffended | 11

#7404140 - Saturday 4 February 2017 4:06

It very clearly shows in yhe fml that they don't want to talk to their ex, so that excuse is invalid

Reply

jab7769 | 8

#7404221 - Saturday 4 February 2017 9:09

maybe they have kids and he couldn't because of custody or parental responsibility

Reply

jab7769 | 8

#7404223 - Saturday 4 February 2017 9:12

she* not he

Reply

RainStorm6632 | 10

#7404250 - Saturday 4 February 2017 10:23

it doesn't say a gender in the fml, the she is referring to siri

By karl_t | 3

#7404087 - Saturday 4 February 2017 1:20

That's what you get for dating someone named Afton.

Reply

snoopyace | 0

#7404522 - Saturday 4 February 2017 19:46

Lol I was scrolling looking for this comment XD

Reply

cootiequeen4444 | 11

#7404754 - Sunday 5 February 2017 3:06

I was just thinking "what the hell kinda name is Afton!?" when I saw your comment. Glad to know I'm not the only judgmental ass, haha!

By Rawrshi | 25

#7404089 - Saturday 4 February 2017 1:22

Were you listening to Adele by any chance?

By The_Voytek_Bear | 14

#7404095 - Saturday 4 February 2017 1:42

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By Kumokin | 5

#7404150 - Saturday 4 February 2017 4:59

Complete fail on you why did you still have his number svaed

By acmariner99 | 24

#7404151 - Saturday 4 February 2017 5:06

Siri is cruel when she wants to be

By EnvyMe33 | 26

#7404166 - Saturday 4 February 2017 6:04

Thou shalt not talk to your master that way or you will get punished... looks like Siri is your master and you got punished...