Today, I was listening to music on my phone. I activated Siri... - FML

By JillianJuneBug - 4/2/2017 00:00 - United States - Elmira

Today, I was listening to music on my phone. I activated Siri by mistake, which stopped the music. I told Siri to, "turn the damn music back on." She replied, "Now calling Afton." Afton is my ex. While trying to quickly end the call, my phone froze and the buttons stopped working. FML

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Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Everyone's an expert

Car Wars

By Anonymous - 8/12/2010 17:07 - United States

Today, while driving home with my boyfriend, we started discussing how clean our driving records were. I was boasting about how I'd never been in an accident when I hit a moose. FML

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By doubleds - 3/6/2009 19:39 - Canada

Today, I was buying an expensive pillow for my mother from a store clerk who wouldn't stop staring at my boobs. After paying, I saw an elderly lady who had dropped a bag, so I walked to help. I walked back to the clerk, who refused to believe I paid. The reason? He didn't recognize my face. FML

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By davidthegreat - 5/7/2011 08:27 - Japan

Today, I had to come to terms with the fact that I'm getting older because my pubic hair is turning white. FML

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By hhaannnnaahh - 13/2/2009 19:06 - United States

Today, I bit into my egg sandwich, and when I looked back into it, there were 5 long, gray, hairs leading from the sandwich into my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2016 05:29

Today, my best friend and I got in a fight, and we have a 3 hour drive back home together. FML

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By Bribri - 18/11/2009 05:23 - United States

Today, my mom's "hobby" of rescuing homeless people became very real. We now have 3 more people living in our house, and none of them have a sense of personal space. I wake up to their faces in my windows. Thanks mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/9/2017 04:30

Today, after storing it for a year, driving it 750 miles to a new home, and waiting a week for a wall mount to come in, I was ready to hang the hand-painted, decorative window my brother gave me. The chain snapped as I picked it up and it shattered when it hit the floor. FML

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By Failed_Dad - 25/9/2015 05:42 - United States - Davis

Today, with the most certainty and confidence that I have ever seen in her, my 16-year-old daughter told me an egg is a fruit because of its "hard shell and growing seed." FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2013 15:25 - United States

Today, I had a job interview with a man that I got drunk with at a bar on Saturday night. He spent an hour telling me things I did that I don't even remember. FML

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By EMT_Koulianos - 25/5/2009 15:14 - United States

Today, I was performing CPR on a woman on her floor while her internal defibrillator kept firing, making her whole body jump. When it fired, her hand went straight up into my nuts. FML

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By Gremlin - 24/6/2012 00:10 - United Kingdom - Staines

Today, I noticed that my son only really looks like me when he's straining to take a dump. FML

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By Sammy - 25/2/2013 07:25 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I came home to find that while my husband and children were mindlessly watching TV, one of our dogs got into the cupboard that stores the deep fryer. He got the lid off, ate all of the old oil and barfed everything up on the couch. FML

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By cachow - 6/9/2009 04:35 - United States

Today, I was cutting the grass when I saw a man staring at me from my neighbor's garage. This went on for 5 minutes until I finally yelled 'hello'. There was no response, and I was creeped out, so I called my neighbor. It was a life-sized Paul McCartney cutout. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2015 02:42 - United States

Today, my psycho ex girlfriend got up in my face after I dumped her. She said I'm going to pay and that one day, when I think I'm safe and happy, my joy will turn to ash in my mouth. When I pointed out she'd just ripped off a Game of Thrones quote, she kneed me in the balls. FML

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By Araya - 17/11/2009 16:12 - United Kingdom

Today, I had a pig kidney dissection in Biology. I see a 'sack' which appeared to contain a liquid. Being the curious type, I cut open the sack, spraying said liquid over me and my desk. My teacher, after giggling, informed me that the liquid was in fact urine. I was pissed on by a dead pig. FML

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By >.> - 12/12/2013 05:31 - Canada - Chestermere

Today, my dad decided to clean his muddy shoes right beside me by clapping them together, causing mud to fly all over me. This wouldn't have been a problem had I not been wearing my white wedding dress just before getting married. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2012 11:18 - United States

Today, I put the little boy I nanny for in time-out. In retaliation he blasted an air horn in my face. I can only hear out of one ear now. FML

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By fezhafeez - 23/2/2016 19:26 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, the girl I like asked me to take over her shift at the place we both work at. Being nice, I readily took over. Later, I found out she went on a date with my best friend. He knows I like her. FML

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By i believe in shaq - 19/8/2012 22:28 - United States - Muskegon

Today, my husband announced that he was fed up with us being known as the neighborhood slobs, and prepared to take down all the Christmas decorations still up from last year. He then decided it was too much effort, and that he'd leave them up to give us a three month head-start. FML

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By riptoofie - 16/1/2010 21:36 - United States

Today, I found my beloved hamster, Toofie. Toofie escaped from his cage. 4 years ago. FML

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By sashimieater - 31/5/2011 01:59 - United States

Today, it was the last day of school. My students shared what they thought of me. Expecting to hear wonderful things, all of their complaints can be summed up in a few words: I'm a liar, a killer of dreams, I need to grow up, and I was a big disappointment to them. I'm a first-year teacher. FML

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By g'day cunt - 26/8/2012 18:27 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, my dog head-butted me in the mouth so hard that my lip split open. Twenty minutes later, I unthinkingly sprayed perfume directly into the wound. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2011 18:57 - United States

Today, after speeding home due to an overflowing bladder, I ran to the bathroom, forgetting that the toilet seat was broken. While doing my business, the toilet seat and I both slid off the bowl. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2011 20:15 - Netherlands

Today, I called my boyfriend for a romantic night at home. I put on my hottest little dress, dimmed the lights, and put music on. My boyfriend stumbled in much later, drunk, and took one look at me before throwing up on my feet. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2012 00:59 - United States

Today, my mother called me a "wasteful child" because I threw up my lunch. FML

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By goingup? - 25/2/2009 17:53 - United States

Today, I was in an elevator with my girlfriend when it stuck mid-floor. Being supportive, I went to hug her and tell her we'll be OK. Today I also learned that my girlfriend is deathly claustrophobic and her predominant reaction is to vomit. In this case, all over me. We were stuck for 2 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2013 07:18 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, my duty manager demanded we close the bar early because she wanted to go home. I was subject to abuse from customers for closing early, then shouted at by the duty manager for not being done. My actual bar manager fired me for closing early. FML

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By ohno. - 19/8/2009 08:44 - Canada

Today, at work while washing the dishes I was told to go put some things into the big freezer at the back of the store. While doing so, the door closed behind me, so naturally I pushed it, only to have my wet hands freeze to the door. I yelled to my manager for 10 minutes before help came. FML

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By Brit - 16/12/2011 08:50 - Reserved

Today, two American guys attacked me for not speaking their language. I'm from England, and they said I'm speaking my own language wrong. FML

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By be_so_slick_56 - 16/1/2010 17:51 - United States

Today, I found on the internet pictures of me sleeping. I sleep naked. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2009 05:11 - United States

Today, I thought it was a good idea to go number two while smoking a "cigarette". My ash tray was over by the sink so I decided to just ash in the toilet. While ashing between my legs, I sneezed and now I have a extremely uncomfortable burn on my man member. Smoking is bad. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2018 12:00

Today, my husband came home from the hospital after having 6 gangrenous toes amputated because he hasn't been treating his diabetes properly. Not half an hour after he got home, I caught him sneaking sweets from a hiding place in his toolbox. He's already lost the bag with his medication in it. Again. FML

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By muffins - 9/8/2014 13:50 - United States - Potomac

Today, while working my shift at the grocery store, we ran out of muffins. I'm a little overweight, and I guess that's the reason an irate customer accused me of eating all of them. FML

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By Mattrd - 5/2/2013 00:42 - United States

Today, my co-worker told me that I need to quit smoking because it was making me look and smell horrible. I've never smoked in my life. FML

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By Debbie3247 - 7/7/2017 08:30 - United States - Rockaway Park

Today, I taught a high school class on public speaking. When I explained how important it was for a presentation to be polished and professional, one kid asked, "Is it professional for your skirt to be tucked into your underwear? I didn't know they made My Little Pony panties for adults." FML

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By xHoho - 26/11/2013 05:50 - United States - West Fargo

Today, I took my girlfriend to a scary movie, hoping I could comfort her at a scary part. Instead when a scary part came on, she reacted by throwing up all over my lap and the person in front of us. FML

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By FUKDOUG - 15/1/2009 01:47 - Canada

Today, I was trying to finish an english assignment and I was not sure how to complete it. So I emailed my teacher asking and she said flip over the assignment handout page for instructions. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2010 06:50 - United States

Today, my older brother and I were teasing our mom about her age. When we jokingly told her it was hard for us to watch our parents get old, she responded by saying "yeah, well, it's hard for me to watch my kids grow up and not have anyone who wants to marry them". FML

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By Anonymous - 23/6/2012 13:11 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my parents were awake while I was still in bed on my iPod touch. I decided to play The Smurfs Village. One of its minigames involves shaking the iPod, so I was breathing heavily. Later, my parents sat me down for a little "talk". FML

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By Jarryd - 10/2/2012 05:40 - Australia

Today, I was making out with a girl who I've had a crush on for a while now. It was all going fine until one of my teeth decided to dislodge itself. She promptly spat out the tooth and left. FML

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Top comments

By pjsr | 32

#7404066 - Saturday 4 February 2017 0:42

Oh, that Siri has a wicked way of getting even when you curse at her!

By xbaconator9000x | 16

#7404057 - Saturday 4 February 2017 0:17

Coincidentally, I tried to click the "Your life sucks button" but my phone froze for a split second and I clicked the "You deserved it" button by accident.

So.... I feel your pain...?

COMMENTS

By EnJey0 | 19

#7404056 - Saturday 4 February 2017 0:17

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

TheBrenster | 2

#7404074 - Saturday 4 February 2017 0:55

Well calling from Siri with the new OS actually doesn't bring up the "end call" button to begin with, instead leaving your phone on lock screen. So one extra step you already have to take when she dials the wrong number for you anyway. Much higher chances on this iOS.

By xbaconator9000x | 16

#7404057 - Saturday 4 February 2017 0:17

Coincidentally, I tried to click the "Your life sucks button" but my phone froze for a split second and I clicked the "You deserved it" button by accident.

So.... I feel your pain...?

By pjsr | 32

#7404066 - Saturday 4 February 2017 0:42

Oh, that Siri has a wicked way of getting even when you curse at her!

By seenoevil818 | 13

#7404068 - Saturday 4 February 2017 0:51

Deleting your ex's number could have prevented that OP

Reply

TaoShaman | 24

#7404113 - Saturday 4 February 2017 2:20

People can't stay friends?

Reply

OhYouAreOffended | 11

#7404140 - Saturday 4 February 2017 4:06

It very clearly shows in yhe fml that they don't want to talk to their ex, so that excuse is invalid

Reply

jab7769 | 8

#7404221 - Saturday 4 February 2017 9:09

maybe they have kids and he couldn't because of custody or parental responsibility

Reply

jab7769 | 8

#7404223 - Saturday 4 February 2017 9:12

she* not he

Reply

RainStorm6632 | 10

#7404250 - Saturday 4 February 2017 10:23

it doesn't say a gender in the fml, the she is referring to siri

By karl_t | 3

#7404087 - Saturday 4 February 2017 1:20

That's what you get for dating someone named Afton.

Reply

snoopyace | 0

#7404522 - Saturday 4 February 2017 19:46

Lol I was scrolling looking for this comment XD

Reply

cootiequeen4444 | 11

#7404754 - Sunday 5 February 2017 3:06

I was just thinking "what the hell kinda name is Afton!?" when I saw your comment. Glad to know I'm not the only judgmental ass, haha!

By Rawrshi | 25

#7404089 - Saturday 4 February 2017 1:22

Were you listening to Adele by any chance?

By The_Voytek_Bear | 14

#7404095 - Saturday 4 February 2017 1:42

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By Kumokin | 5

#7404150 - Saturday 4 February 2017 4:59

Complete fail on you why did you still have his number svaed

By acmariner99 | 23

#7404151 - Saturday 4 February 2017 5:06

Siri is cruel when she wants to be

By EnvyMe33 | 26

#7404166 - Saturday 4 February 2017 6:04

Thou shalt not talk to your master that way or you will get punished... looks like Siri is your master and you got punished...