Intimacy: Today, my roommate revealed that the reason he's so grumpy is...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my roommate revealed that the reason he's so grumpy is because he hasn't gotten laid in a year. I'm his only female friend, and the entire time he talked to me, he stared at my chest. FML

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Intimacy

There's no helping some people

Mother of the year

Pride and joy

By - United States - Ithaca

Today, my first grade student apologized for cutting his bangs off in class, and explained that it was his mom's birthday and he had wanted to make her an origami flower. Out of his hair. FML

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By bronieswillrule5eva - Canada - Summerside

Today, I overheard my boss and a co-worker talking about me. Apparently when I speak, I slur my words so badly that it sounds like I'm speaking in tongues. According to my boss, "he could be possessed by a demon right now, and we'd never even notice." FML

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By lawdwhy

Today, my sense of smell is severely impaired by a bad cold. As a result, I inadvertently ate some highly questionable dairy. I figured this out after my roommate sniffed my yogurt and gagged, just before my bowels had their opportunity to object to my meal. FML

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By thanks for the $5 gift voucher - United States - Randleman

Today, my parents bought my 11-year-old brother a MacBook for my birthday. FML

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By lucas_urev - United States - Cold Spring Harbor

Today, I had made a cup of my favorite coffee, which I had recently found to be discontinued. To accompany this last cup, I went to get a muffin. As I turned around, I see my son pouring the cup out because I out put it next to the sink and he thought it was dirty. FML

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By Jen

Today, I opened my car door on reaching destination and my dog escaped. I never found him. My destination was the vet's office to get him micro-chipped. FML

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By picklemonger - Canada

Spinning out and miserable

Today, for the first time ever, I had a bout of vertigo in the middle of a mall. It went so very nicely with my crushing loneliness. FML

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By nosestealer - Canada - Brampton

Today, my five-year-old daughter called the police to report her stolen nose. FML

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By trigfail - New Zealand

Today, I failed my trigonometry exam because my scientific calculator was on the wrong setting. FML

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By ouchh - United States

Today, I got out of the shower to find my cat staring up at me. Apparently my swinging penis looks like a cat toy to her, so she jumped up and clawed and tried to bite it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was laying in bed with the covers over me, when I got an itch on my leg. It felt really good to scratch it so I got really into it. At that very moment my mom walked in, saw me doing a back and forth motion under the covers, gave me a look of disgust, and walked out. FML

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By jayne_dhoe - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend came home drunk and thought it would be funny to spray himself in the face with pepper spray. I was in his drunken firing line too. After him vomiting and being blinded for a few hours, he was fine. I, on the other hand, had a terrible allergic reaction and got rushed to hospital. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lemont

Today, I finally lost my virginity. Too bad it cost me every last shred of self-respect and involved begging a hooker to take my money. FML

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By happy birthday to me - United States

Today, I had to explain to half of my class that yes, my birthday is on the same day as Hitler's, but no, it does not make me a Nazi. FML

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By MegGRRRz - United States

Today, I woke up and took my mom to work. It wasn't until after I got home, logged on Facebook and looked at the upcoming birthdays to see that it was her birthday today. No wonder she was silent the entire car ride and slammed the door on the way out. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I slept with this new guy for the first time. After sex, he said the doggie style position was fun, it made him wonder what it would be like to rape a girl. FML

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By spaghett - United States - Brooklyn

Today, after jumping into a public swimming pool, the female lifeguard, who I have had a crush on for years whistled at me. When I got out of the water, she handed me the bathing suit I'd apparently lost. FML

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By jonnie - 7/5/2020 02:00

Hi mom!

Today, I learned Google Assistant and Google Home work harmoniously together if I blabber on without ending a command, like when sending a text to my mom about canceling dinner plans because I’m fake sick and going to hook up with this guy, it’ll send every word. My mistake & lesson learned. FML

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By Anonymous

Taking pictures

Today, I was teaching a high school calculus class. I wrote a complex formula on the board. As I wrote, students asked if they could take a picture of the board and circulate it. I said yes, and I was pleased as everybody seemed to be taking pictures. Soon, I realized why: my skirt was tucked into my underwear. Within a few minutes, every student in the school had an email with a picture of my ugliest pair of floral-printed panties. FML

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By daddyslittlegirl250 - United States

Today, we watched a movie in French class. I went on a French exchange last year, so I wanted to sound all impressive and cultured for my crush who is in the same class. I said that it was my favorite movie and I couldn't wait to watch it with everyone. The movie turned out to be about incest. FML

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By FMJoblessL - United States

Today, I am jobless after graduation. Ironic, since when I started college with my education degree, I was congratulated, told of the teacher shortage in my state, and how quickly I would be able to find a job. Three years in, the economy tanks, and the state issues a teacher hiring freeze. FML

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By not a bitch just don’t like you - 10/3/2021 13:59 - United States

White knights

Today, once again, I told a guy who’s been hounding me for ages that I’m not interested. After being asked repeatedly and turning him down politely for so long, I finally snapped and cussed his ass out. Now I’m known as "the bitch" for hurting such a "nice guy's" feelings. I need new friends. FML

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By Anonymous

Leg day

Today, after waiting a year, I asked a coworker who I like to work out at the gym with me. She said yes. I figured this would be the perfect place to show off my body and impress her. In every exercise we did, she lifted more weights than I did. FML

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By Glassjaw - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I had gotten tipsy and found ourselves in the bedroom. We started to fool around and she leaned over to put her watch on the nightstand. I tried to undo her bra, which surprised her, because she elbowed me in the nose so hard that I ended up passing out from the pain. FML

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By vron991 - United States - Wilmington

Today, I went to the store for some pads with my dad. We got them and then went to the cashier. That's when he realized that they were scented. He took one out of the box, sniffed it, made me sniff it, then insisted the cashier smell it. FML

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By lifestinks - Canada

Today, when my boyfriend reffered to my hair, I told him I was going to dye it. He responded by saying, "finally, so how much you going for, 40, maybe 50 pounds?". I said dye it, not diet. FML

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By bras r expensive ppl

Today, I realized I was at a top quality ski resort when, while riding the lift, I counted three bras which appeared to have been thrown into the trees from the lift. My little brother counted eight. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my best friend thought the best time to tell me she was sleeping with my boyfriend was while we were acting in a play. FML

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By Smiley - Aruba - Oranjestad

Today, as always, I tend to smile and giggle when I'm nervous. I couldn't stop it from happening at the funeral of my friend's grandmother. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I happily announced to my parents that I'm pregnant. My dad later handed me a printout containing a list of nearby abortion clinics. FML

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By ip7 - United Kingdom - Horsham

Today, I was sitting in a library when a cute boy approached me, so I grabbed the nearest book. When he asked me what I was reading, I said I was revising for an English test. He laughed and pointed out that my book was in French. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I accidentally put down the wrong year for my university graduation, so when my prospective boss was checking my references he found no mention of my name in that year's list of graduates. He accused me of faking my qualifications and refused to hire me. It was a 6-figure salary. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - College Park

Today, I got jumpscared, by my freshly-bathed grandma coming out of the bathroom without a towel on. FML

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By Bechara - Pakistan

Today, I overheard my girlfriend telling her friend "Actually, its a good thing she died, she was quite a bitch." She was talking about my mother. FML

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By paulinapo - United States - Staten Island

Today, I woke up in bed with a one-night stand. We got really drunk the night before so I went to make a hangover-cure breakfast. Apparently he was so drunk that he didn't remember me, and when he came to the kitchen, he knocked me out with a pan and called the cops. FML

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By Pain - United States

Today, I accidentally dropped my cigarette down my shirt. There are now two unsightly, painful burns right in the center of my chest. FML

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By UGGGH that was my 2nd attempt too - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I took my driver's test. The woman administering it wouldn't even look at me, so trying to be friendly I said the first thing I could think of: "It must be scary getting in the car with someone you don't know!" She failed me for "excessive chatting." FML

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By cmolloy - Ireland

Today, I texted a friend offering my condolences over the death of his grandfather. He hadn't been told his grandfather had died yet. FML

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By cantgetup - Canada

Today, I discovered that my girlfriend can only orgasm when we have sex to gospel music. FML

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By rolled

Today, my angry ex-girlfriend ordered a bong to my house in my name. I came home to my parents screaming at me, demanding to know where "the weed" was. FML

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Top comments

By benshady | 0

#631209 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 10:45

he's got to get it from somewhere so grab a rubber and get hot and steamy with him

By topramen | 0

#631178 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 9:59

awesome...
maybe you should have taken your top off?

COMMENTS

By shannondotjpeg | 0

#631158 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 9:50

ROFL naww.

By isacn187 | 0

#631162 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 9:51

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

nazooer | 11

#631954 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 22:53

u fail at life

CruelHumor | 0

#2497248 - Thursday 12 May 2011 6:56

lol win^

By topramen | 0

#631178 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 9:59

awesome...
maybe you should have taken your top off?

By Cristaderzi | 0

#631185 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 10:07

Well then help him out.

youaresofucked | 0

#631429 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 15:31

Yeah, stop moaning about it on FML.

If youre his only girl-friend and you havent fucked him by now then it stands to reason that its ALL YOURE fault that he's grumpy.

angeluv_2014 | 22

#5401447 - Monday 11 March 2013 20:03

this was my thought also

By benshady | 0

#631209 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 10:45

he's got to get it from somewhere so grab a rubber and get hot and steamy with him

By Mx_Rider | 6

#631234 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 11:32

i agree with the above^^^^ he has to get it from some where

right then and there u should have showed him ur tits!

By th_fml | 0

#631249 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 11:57

AWKWARD MAXIMUS LOL

Dizzygrl08 | 4

#1023577 - Tuesday 8 June 2010 5:52

(referring to the comments) men are idiotic >.<. If your friend needs sex that badly, give him 100 bucks so he can get a hooker. I'm sure you yourself wouldn't want to do him

By bugmenotmofo | 34

#631254 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 12:05

He's your friend, don't you want to help make him un-grumpy? At least throw him a blow job...

By mrzero | 0

#631273 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 12:21

so what go get laid n make his day. hahaha

By chuji | 1

#631281 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 12:24

Some people are just so vain... I haven't been laid in over 2...

jake040 | 3

#2556560 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 5:48

maybe 3

jake040 | 3

#2556571 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 5:50

maybe 3

ThursdayA | 3

#3210689 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 9:29

2...
Minutes!
: D
Nope, my girl/boyfriend is back!