Today, my roommate revealed that the reason he's so grumpy is...

By Anonymous - 21/10/2009 03:42 - United States

Today, my roommate revealed that the reason he's so grumpy is because he hasn't gotten laid in a year. I'm his only female friend, and the entire time he talked to me, he stared at my chest. FML

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Intimacy

Insane parents

Don't give up

Mixed signals

By Anonymous - 27/4/2009 04:11 - United States

Today, my roommate hooked up with a guy she met at a party. After telling me about it, she says to me, "Maybe next time we go out we'll hit someone over the head and drag him back here for you." Apparently the only way I can get a guy is if he's unconscious. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2012 16:36 - United Kingdom

Today, a stuffed ferret was the latest addition to the list of weird items my colleagues have found in our rubbish tip, and that they put in my office. The list also includes explicit fetish porn playing cards, live ammo and dead pheasants, to name a few. I need a new job. FML

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By obese_chicken - 6/11/2009 06:59 - Australia

Today, I went out to celebrate my birthday with a big group of friends. After waiting in line to get into a club, the bouncer looked me up and down and said, "No fat chicks." My friends went into the club without me and left me to take a $100 taxi home alone. FML

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By spitt - 13/5/2015 02:11 - United States - Franklin

Today, after a big presentation, people sent an open invitation to dinner. When I asked which restaurant and what time, I was told that I wasn't invited. I've been here for three years. FML

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By Murphy’s Christmas - 13/12/2018 13:30

Today my husband blew a tire in a hidden pothole on the way to work. I picked him up in my car later that day, only to hit an entirely different pothole, bending my rim and catapulting my hubcap into the woods. FML

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By noway - 22/3/2015 04:03 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a girl asked me to check out her left breast, which she said she'd found a strange lump on. I'm an orthodontist. FML

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By JustAmirage - 14/2/2019 20:00

Today, it was my first day at work. They had me a large tray with lots of food on it, even after I told them I wasn’t comfortable carrying it. I hit the door on the way out of the kitchen, spilling everything on the tray, breaking 2 soup bowls and 3 salad plates. FML

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By ewwww - 30/1/2017 03:00 - United States - Monroe

Today, I went to the doctor for the constant pain I have when eating savory or sour foods. It turns out I have a stone in my saliva gland, and no joke, the only thing I can do to fix it is eat savory or sour food to make me drool enough to force it out. FML

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By chawlay - 5/7/2011 14:04 - United States

Today, I had to sift through hundreds of pages of legal documents. They were all written in Comic Sans font. FML

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By Nikki - 27/7/2012 13:45 - United States - Newark

Today, my live-in-boyfriend lost his job. Jokingly, I told him that we weren't going to have sex until he found a new job. He then turned to me with the most excited look I have ever seen on his face and said "I am going to stay unemployed forever!" He was serious. FML

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By feelsterrible - 9/8/2012 19:51 - United States - Duluth

Today, I was at the mall, when a guy started screaming at his buddy for sleeping with his sister. It was pretty hilarious, so when he stormed off, I mockingly yelled, "Pussy!" He then whirled around and beat the absolute hell out of his friend. Now I feel like I'm going to reincarnate as a turd. FML

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By breadcrumb - 6/7/2015 06:03 - United States - Kansas City

Today, while at work, a customer, who was also on his phone, rudely asked what kinds of bread we had for his sandwich. After I told him we had many different kinds to offer, he cut me off, told me to stop playing stupid, and stormed out after holding up a long line of people. FML

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By Typidiot - 25/10/2017 01:37

Today, I spent ages writing a draft press release as part of a copywriting job application. I worked really hard and read it through several times before submitting. They emailed me to point out that I'd misspelled the name of the company. Twice. FML

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By MikeMoosey - 30/12/2009 18:00 - United States

Today, while pumping gas, I stopped to think about what a failure my life is, and how badly I've treated people in my past. While deep in thought, I accidentally pulled the gas pump out too far and covered myself with gasoline. FML

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By harry - 6/12/2008 07:51 - France

Today, my brand new and very expensive laser printer does actually print 10 times faster than my old one. Except there's nothing printed on the paper. Never mind, at least it makes a cool sound. FML

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By pinkXpress1023 - 8/7/2013 18:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I had the opportunity to taste a live spider by walking into its web in the dark. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2010 20:36 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he loved me for the first time. He followed it with, "Want to try anal?" FML

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By sleepy - 23/5/2011 04:57 - United States

Today, as I was standing in the checkout line in a store, my six year old daughter proudly announced to everyone that I fell asleep on the toilet last night. FML

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By jzidar24 - 22/10/2015 02:37 - United States - Bloomfield Hills

Today, at school, I got in trouble for plagiarizing on a paper. The subject of said paper was where I see myself in ten years. FML

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By DingusGinger - 21/4/2019 02:00

Today, I found out my boss likes to shit talk about me when I'm not around. Best part is I don't know what I've done to piss him off. FML

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By Homeless - 9/3/2009 12:12 - United States

Today, I got back to my apartment from being away for the past week on Spring break. I found the locks on my apartment changed and all my things on the curb, many of them broken or stolen. I ran to the leasing office to see what had happened. Turns out it was an accounting error on their part. FML

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By ohgawd - 8/10/2011 06:48 - United States

Today, my sister asked me to explain where to put a tampon. I realized near the end of the conversation that she believed the urine, feces, and blood all came from the same orifice. This began a long discussion during which I was forced to tell her not to put the tampon in her rectum. FML

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By me - 11/7/2016 03:00 - United States - Norman

Today, I found out my mom has been telling my entire family I need surgery on my "Labia" instead of my "Labrum". I went from needing shoulder surgery to needing vagina surgery with one group text. Thanks, mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2010 18:04 - Canada

Today, I got my first university math midterm back. I did so bad that my teacher put a sadface on the first page. FML

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By Sodapop40 - 21/6/2020 05:05

"Tubular Bells" by Mike Oldfield starts playing…

Today, my mom admitted to me that, when I was a baby, my grandmother kidnapped me and took me to the priest to perform an exorcism, because she swore I was the "spawn of Satan." FML

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By haayloo - 19/10/2010 02:40 - Canada

Today, I had just finished re-completing all my assignments because I had lost my USB last week. I reached into my pocket for gum, instead I found the USB that I had apparently lost. I spent my weekend alone rather than spending time with my friends. I don't have another weekend off for a month. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2018 14:30

Today, based on recent x-rays, I have the right knee of a 60-year-old, the left knee of a 70-year-old, and the right hip joint of a 100-year-old who's been dead for 15 years. I'm only 19 years old and my doctor says I'm gonna need two walking sticks by the time I'm 25. FML

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By annoyed - 23/9/2010 09:59 - United States

Today, I went to my parents' place to visit. My ex-boyfriend's photo is on the fridge, but there aren't any photos of my husband or any of our wedding photos. FML

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By worst day of my life - 6/7/2019 20:04

Today, my friends kidnapped me as a surprise birthday prank, and threw me into my own car's trunk. As they drove the car to PF Chang's, I'm freaking out, blindfolded and hogtied. My car was low on gas, and they ran out on the highway. They left me in the car on I-275 for 9 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2012 22:08 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, I foolishly told my husband that I know he's been holding back sexually, and that I was willing to indulge any sexual fantasies he may have. Now it seems that tonight, I'll be responding to the name "Fluttershy". FML

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By It's-only15-lbs-extra - 14/12/2017 15:00

Not. Helping.

Today, because of my full-time job, full-time courses, studying for the GRE, anxiety disorder, insomnia, and a recent pet death, I'm on the verge of a breakdown. My mother texted, "Looking through old photos, you were so skinny, what happened?" FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2011 03:05 - United States

Today, I picked up on a telemarketer and started speaking in Portuguese. It turns out that this particular telemarketer spoke it as well. Every time I hung up, he called back. Telemarketers get really excited when they find out someone else speaks their language. FML

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By Viridian - 12/5/2009 13:41 - United States

Today, I gave a big presentation at work. The manager decided to video tape it. I went through my presentation with ease and was confident I did a good job. My confidence was then lowered after watching the tape. Apparently, my boobs are much more interesting than what I had to say. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/2/2016 09:25 - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, while driving on the motorway, I sneezed so hard my contacts popped out. FML

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By Pissed - 5/10/2011 15:29 - Australia

Today, in an incredibly busy shopping center bathroom with my 5 year-old niece, I was squatting over the toilet seat to avoid germs. My niece then says at the top of her voice, "Auntie, why are you sitting like a kangaroo?" I'd say the whole room pissed their pants laughing. FML

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By yodada - 10/3/2009 23:03 - United States

Today, I was pulled over because I looked like a possible suspect for a robbery. While searching me, the police's radio went off and the person on the other line said, "Possible suspect, 5'5", thin" - the officer stopped right then and murmured, "too short and fat" and walked back to his car. FML

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By Melissa - 8/3/2020 14:00

Badmouth Strikes Again

Today, my 7-year-old sister had to tell my mom to watch her language. FML

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By Blackshadows - 7/9/2015 18:08 - United States - Somerset

Today, I accidentally poured milk into my bowl of chips. FML

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By longdrive - 14/10/2014 05:17 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I left for a fifteen-hour drive with two guys who won't stop talking in a Yoda voice. Sick of this nonsense, I am. FML

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By - 27/12/2019 20:00

Our anniversary

Today, my boyfriend actually remembered our anniversary. Not our anniversary of being together, which he forgot last month, but the anniversary of him getting his first blowjob from me. FML

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Top comments

By benshady | 0

#631209 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 10:45

he's got to get it from somewhere so grab a rubber and get hot and steamy with him

By topramen | 0

#631178 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 9:59

awesome...
maybe you should have taken your top off?

COMMENTS

By shannondotjpeg | 0

#631158 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 9:50

ROFL naww.

By isacn187 | 0

#631162 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 9:51

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

nazooer | 11

#631954 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 22:53

u fail at life

CruelHumor | 0

#2497248 - Thursday 12 May 2011 6:56

lol win^

By topramen | 0

#631178 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 9:59

awesome...
maybe you should have taken your top off?

By Cristaderzi | 0

#631185 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 10:07

Well then help him out.

youaresofucked | 0

#631429 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 15:31

Yeah, stop moaning about it on FML.

If youre his only girl-friend and you havent fucked him by now then it stands to reason that its ALL YOURE fault that he's grumpy.

angeluv_2014 | 22

#5401447 - Monday 11 March 2013 20:03

this was my thought also

By benshady | 0

#631209 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 10:45

he's got to get it from somewhere so grab a rubber and get hot and steamy with him

By Mx_Rider | 6

#631234 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 11:32

i agree with the above^^^^ he has to get it from some where

right then and there u should have showed him ur tits!

By th_fml | 0

#631249 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 11:57

AWKWARD MAXIMUS LOL

Dizzygrl08 | 4

#1023577 - Tuesday 8 June 2010 5:52

(referring to the comments) men are idiotic >.<. If your friend needs sex that badly, give him 100 bucks so he can get a hooker. I'm sure you yourself wouldn't want to do him

By bugmenotmofo | 34

#631254 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 12:05

He's your friend, don't you want to help make him un-grumpy? At least throw him a blow job...

By mrzero | 0

#631273 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 12:21

so what go get laid n make his day. hahaha

By chuji | 1

#631281 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 12:24

Some people are just so vain... I haven't been laid in over 2...

jake040 | 3

#2556560 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 5:48

maybe 3

jake040 | 3

#2556571 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 5:50

maybe 3

ThursdayA | 3

#3210689 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 9:29

2...
Minutes!
: D
Nope, my girl/boyfriend is back!