Intimacy: Today, my parents surprised me by redecorating my room. I think... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24

You deserved it 1

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52

You deserved it 90

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 212

You deserved it 43

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 332

You deserved it 25

30/09/2013 22:41

Spicy

Today, my parents surprised me by redecorating my room. I think they were more surprised by the box of naughty toys under my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 930

You deserved it 11 454

Dysfunctional

BO Central

Social parasites

10/02/2015 03:15

Today, I responded to an emergency call for an intoxicated 83-year-old man with chest pains. As I leaned forward to check his lung sounds, he groped my chest and said, "Nice rack". I just wanted to see if he had difficulty breathing. I don't even get paid for this, I'm a volunteer for the town. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 490

You deserved it 2 812

27/02/2010 00:39

Today, I found out that I spent a year helping my dad get back into shape, not for his own good health which was what I thought, but so that he could cheat on my mom with 5 other women. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 928

You deserved it 2 405

28/02/2016 14:58

Today, I woke up with the flu. My wife thinks I'm faking it so we don't have to go on date night, even though I've been on the toilet all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 983

You deserved it 1 356

12/02/2011 06:30

Today, I got banned on Club Penguin because I said "shit" while I was in a fight with another penguin about whose igloo is cooler. Shouldn't I have better things to do on a Friday night? FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 712

You deserved it 43 678

27/08/2013 18:34

Spicy

Today, I realized the moans I make when masturbating sound like I'm crying. I realized this when my neighbor pounded on the door asking if I was okay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 480

You deserved it 12 405

30/01/2010 18:45

Today, my heating broke. It's 22 degrees outside, and my father won't let us call someone to fix it because apparently the cold helps the soul grow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 309

You deserved it 2 973

11/07/2010 14:44

Today, I had an interview. I didn't get the job because apparently customers might not understand me, since I "talk too good." I just graduated with an English degree. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 227

You deserved it 3 474

10/01/2011 20:43

Today, I was lying on the sofa when the phone rang. I jumped up to answer in time. I knocked over my laptop, and kicked my guitar into a glass causing it to smash. It was a wrong number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 579

You deserved it 11 862

26/05/2013 06:46

Today, I changed my teacher's PowerPoint picture to me making a funny face. He saw it and changed it to a picture of him, with a middle finger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 143

You deserved it 50 760

18/12/2015 13:34

Today, I accidentally farted while on my flight home. It was silent but so deadly that several people were visibly distressed. The overweight guy sitting next to me got a bunch of dirty glares. I was too ashamed to own up to it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 618

You deserved it 7 172

22/11/2014 10:16

Today, my coworker and I announced that we are spending our holidays together, because we both have kids. My boss announced he is coming with us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 058

You deserved it 3 988

21/09/2009 04:12

Today, I was at work when two sheriff's deputies walked in. They asked me my name and when I told them, they asked me to turn around and they cuffed me. They told me I was under arrest for robbery. Turns out I was mistakenly IDed, but now every one at my job thinks I'm an armed robber. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 992

You deserved it 2 283

07/04/2009 16:36

Today, I was working at a portrait studio and was taking pictures of a little girl, I kept telling the girl to stop making silly faces when she smiles because her eyes go cross-eyed. After the third time I said it her mom grabbed the little girl and left. Turns out, she was naturally cross-eyed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 508

You deserved it 58 118

20/12/2016 01:40

Today, while reading out loud in front of my entire class and teacher, I learned that I can't pronounce the word 'success'. It came out as 'sex', and when I tried to correct myself more slowly (multiple times), it came out 'sexsex'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 875

You deserved it 1 189

24/07/2012 23:44

Today, I was in the hospital. I had recently broken my arm, and had to have it re-broken. I've secretly been a lesbian for years. Guess who came out to her strict Christian parents while on anesthetics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 018

You deserved it 5 144

13/06/2009 01:47

Today, I found out that my 'girlfriend', who I've been emailing with, was really my friend playing a prank on me. He asked me for naked pictures of myself and I sent them to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 829

You deserved it 78 096

24/05/2010 15:14

Spicy

Today, while sitting at a red light, my mother asks "Do you have any intimacy questions?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 559

You deserved it 5 215

12/01/2010 13:10

Today, I took my wife and newborn baby girl home from the hospital. While waiting for the elevator, an elderly couple leaned over, saw our baby, and said, "Look, it's the fat kid that was in the nursery." My baby is six and a half pounds, and my wife hasn't stopped crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 857

You deserved it 2 876

24/02/2010 21:28

Today, I had my final economics exam, and needed to ace it, or else I would fail the entire module. After studying all day yesterday, and pulling an all-nighter today, I managed to pull it off and get a perfect score. Unfortunately, my teacher didn't believe that it was possible, and accused me of cheating. Now I may be thrown out of college. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 248

You deserved it 3 046

01/08/2014 20:45

Today, my girlfriend's dad returned home from deployment. Being the grade A fucktard that I am, I got flustered and asked, "So um, did you make it back?" He looked me dead in the eyes and said completely deadpan, "No, obviously I died. Moron." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 308

You deserved it 25 855

America, fuck yeah

By BrazilianGal - 12/08/2021 02:01

Today, a lady at the clothing store told me to, “Stop speaking 'Mexicano', this is America!” when I was talking on the phone. I actually speak Portuguese. When I pointed this out, she verbally tortured me and threatened to, “Call the cops” if I didn’t leave her store for, “making her feel threatened.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 160

You deserved it 123

06/06/2012 05:23

Today, my father-in-law called me an idiot for buying him coffee cake because he can't have caffeine. He refuses to believe that there's as much coffee in coffee cake as there is ham in a hamburger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 037

You deserved it 2 959

05/03/2016 09:49

Today, I actually had to reassure the girl I'm seeing that she can't "catch" my epilepsy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 674

You deserved it 1 711

17/08/2012 23:33

Today, I bought the only cat on Earth that doesn't like chasing after a laser dot. Goodbye, hours of sick, sick entertainment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 029

You deserved it 26 918

Narcissistic parents

By wendy - 01/04/2021 10:59

Today, my mom told an entire room full of people about the time I almost died from severe diarrhea as a toddler. When I told her that it was embarrassing, she simply told me to “grow up”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 812

You deserved it 207

20/09/2010 00:07

Today, I was riding in the backseat while my mom was driving. Noticing she was driving way over the speed limit, I opened a police siren app on my iPod to make her slow down. When she realized, she pulled over, kicked me out of the car and made me walk home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 497

You deserved it 45 431

31/07/2013 23:19

Today, my 10-year-old son told my 5-year-old daughter that we're a ghost family, and told her to run through our glass door to see for herself. She believed it, ran straight into the door, and ended up having to be taken to hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 145

You deserved it 5 779

01/11/2018 15:30

Today, I woke up in a puddle of blood after 7 hours of sleep. Before going to bed, I had inserted a tampon that should've kept me dry for at least 8 hours. Apparently it doesn't work well if sleepy me forgets to take the top part of the plastic wrapping off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 385

You deserved it 1 190

02/04/2016 17:48

Today, I took my boyfriend of 2 years on a family vacation to meet my family for the first time. We all got really drunk and he made out with my dad. This was day one and we don't fly back for another 16 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 420

You deserved it 3 257

08/08/2013 08:03

Today, it was my son's fifth birthday. I asked my grandmother, who is a baker, to make a birthday cake for the party. Two hours after the party started, she arrived drunk with a large ham with candles in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 390

You deserved it 4 790

16/03/2013 12:17

Today, I discovered that the reason my mom hasn't been noticing the extra cleaning I've done lately is because her boyfriend took credit when she asked about it; and was rewarded for it in bed. I helped him get with my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 059

You deserved it 4 019

15/08/2019 16:04

Today, I went to Auto Zone because my car was having trouble starting, and I thought it was the battery. The guy checked it with their reader, and confirmed it was dying. Right after he put the battery in, my starter died. I had to get my car towed to the shop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 511

You deserved it 104

Honest discrimination

By erin - 16/05/2021 17:01

Today, I was called fatphobic for rejecting an overweight man who asked me on a date. I don’t know how to force myself to be attracted to fat people. There’s just nothing there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 064

You deserved it 206

15/11/2016 00:38

Today, I found out that the insurance that my husband signed us up with for next year doesn't cover any of our doctors. Now we need to find 4 different doctors who take our insurance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 931

You deserved it 845

25/02/2009 06:19

Today, I was walking to a meeting and saw two girls trying to jump start a car in the rain. Thinking I'd be a gentleman and help them, I offered to assist. The girl whose car is broken down looks at me, looks at her friend, and says, "I think we'd better call the police." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 788

You deserved it 3 213

08/05/2013 17:48

Today, it's my birthday. Three people wished me happy birthday: Google, my insurance company, and the place I lease my car from. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 287

You deserved it 4 290

Long road ahead

By Anonymous - 14/01/2021 20:01

Today, I came out to one of my best friends as non-binary, and told him (with their permission) that some of our friends were trans. He told us that we were all idiots and refuses to accept us. We've known him since 3rd grade. FML

I agree, your life sucks 854

You deserved it 530

13/01/2009 18:17

Spicy

Today, I had to give a speech in front of my class and during my speech I had to say the words "But six"; however, because of my accent it sounded like "Butt sex". For the remainder of the day I was frequently asked about "Butt sex". FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 412

You deserved it 3 183

05/10/2018 12:00

Today, the girl of my dreams, the one person I've met in my life that I could see myself spending the rest of it with, told me she loves me. She then specifically added "...but not in that way, so we could never be together." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 875

You deserved it 251

I'm not blind

By Anonymous - 06/12/2019 20:00

Spicy

Today, after going on a blind date with a man I had met on facebook, we decided to go back to his apartment. All was going good until he took off his pants, only to reveal that he was wearing a diaper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 777

You deserved it 536

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 8:18

Soooo, did you get to keep them?

Squirrel1256 15

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 8:19

Might need to put those in a better hiding place, or at least in a container you can lock.

Comments

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 8:18

Soooo, did you get to keep them?

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 19:26

silver-lining: it wasn't a pregnancy test

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Wednesday 2 October 2013 16:59

I'm wondering about her age. if she's 18+ I wouldn't be as concerned, but if she's 13 I'd flip out.

Tuesday 1 October 2013 8:19

YDI because you keep sex toys at your parents house where they can easily be found, but FYL because you had no way of knowing they would redecorate your room for you

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 8:36

What going bump in the night might not be always what it seems to be... And sorry OP it just comes down to bad luck and find a better place.

deathtothepix 26

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 9:02

Assuming OP lives at home with her parents, where else is she going to keep them?

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 9:15

I lived with my parents until I went to university, was I supposed to avoid exploring my sexuality up until then? Sexual repression is how you end up with freshers week sluts who'll sleep with anyone just for the experience.

chelseaaababyyy 17

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 15:46

2 - How is under her bed somewhere easily found? I would'nt expect my parent to go snooping around under my bed.

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 15:52

It might be better to hide them between your mattress and box spring next time.

letmehavemytea 21

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 17:47

I keep mine all neat and tidy in a pink box on my bedside table. My parents don't go into my room to see it, and the very few times that they had, they just assumed it was my make up box :P

Squirrel1256 15

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 8:19

Might need to put those in a better hiding place, or at least in a container you can lock.

BlowinChronic 18

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 19:27

A little late for that....

JulianaBlackburn 19

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 8:20

At least your room is redecorated? Still, FYL OP :/

Bradley_Dillon 39

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 8:21

Am I the only one who hates it when they do that?

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 8:24

Dayum girl, keep those toys on lockdown.

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 8:25

Maybe save your money to get your own place before you spend it on sex toys? Just a thought...

deathtothepix 26

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 9:04

They must be some seriously expensive sex toys if stopping buying them would be enough to pay for rent!

graceinsheepwear 33

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 9:20

Maybe OP is underage. There's nothing that says they are or aren't old enough to move out.

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 9:35

Somehow I doubt OP is underage if she has a box of sex toys. Every sex shop I've ever seen requires you to have ID.

Shenannigoats 16

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 11:28

I don't know, there's always the Internet.

graceinsheepwear 33

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 11:37

Except that they sell about 6 varieties of sexual vibrators with the condoms in most drugstores now. CVS, Walgreens. It's mainstream. And I don't mean sore muscle ones. I mean pink ones on various shapes targeting women.

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 13:19

Ah, well we don't have any of those drugstores around here. Fair enough.

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 19:29

I've never been asked for ID when going into an adult store, so maybe she is underage

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 20:32

I know many highschool girls with toys...

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Saturday 22 October 2016 5:24

not where I live I only know cause school people was bragging and there is online now

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 8:26

You need better hiding places, OP. Especially if you live with your parents. But FYL; that would've been a terribly embarrassing thing to have to explain.

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 8:26

bet dinner was awkward

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 20:33

Bet you they didn't eat tacos! o.o

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 8:30

I hope they'll understand, they were young once :P

graceinsheepwear 33

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 9:22

What makes you think only the young have sex toys or that they don't have a collection of toys themselves?