Miscellaneous: Today, my parents met my girlfriend for the first time and cooked... - FML

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my parents met my girlfriend for the first time and cooked us dinner. After, I was helping clean up in the kitchen and my dad says to me, "Don't worry, you have to slay a couple of dragons before you get to the princess." and winks at me. She heard. I was going to propose to her tonight. FML

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dragonslayer tells us more :

We met in Europe, and I currently live in England and my parents live in the States, so that's why they haven't met her yet. I still proposed, and she said yes. And yes, my dad was calling her ugly.

Understandable

And today, on Dr Phil…

They're everywhere

By Inga44 - United States

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend. He was at the police station for breaking into a model home to hook up with the girl he's been cheating on me with for the past 4 months. I was his one phone call. He was expecting me to bail him out. FML

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By srsly_what - United Kingdom

Today, a little girl wandered into the glass-cleaning area of the pub I work at. It's a dangerous place for a little kid, so I took her hand and asked where her mum was. The kid starts screaming and the mother appears in the doorway shouting "GET AWAY FROM MY BABY!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Salinas

Today, I tried to put together some flat-pack furniture. I wound up in my underpants, screaming stuff like, "Fuck you, fucking Ikea bastard" at pieces of confusing plywood. FML

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By forgotten - United States

Today, I was on my hour long bus ride home with a full bladder. Right as the bus reached my stop, the time I spent holding it in was over. I didn't make it out of the aisle before I peed my pants. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I got my first acting part. I played the role of a bad boy who has to grab the leading lady's ass, who then slaps me in the face. The ass grab was done in one take. The slap required 14 takes. FML

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By Whoops - United States

Today, while driving with my three year old, I was showing her the different kinds of birds. I pointed out a bright red cardinal perched in a row of hedges. She squealed as it took flight, so happy to see such a brightly colored birdie fly. Until it hit my windshield. FML

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By flying13 - United States

Today, I was on a bench enjoying the sun, when a guy comes and sits next to me. Next thing I know, he lets out a loud fart, then looks my way with pride. I stare back in shock. He then says to me, "Yeah, that just happened," and walks off. FML

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By mattttbob - Australia

Today, I realised my girlfriend only has sex with me to make me exercise. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2021 22:56

Help needed

Today, I've been asking for help to close up store for the last 7 months, at the height of a global pandemic. My boss's excuse for no help? Joe Biden and the government is keeping everyone who would earn 10 dollars an hour from working, because they are all lazy. Joe wasn't president 7 months ago. FML

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By marenthehollow - United States - American Fork

Today, I got yelled at by a customer for saving them money. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at Walmart, a lady came up to me and informed me that I "look like the kinda skank that'd give it up on the first date". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a week after my dad discovered Family Guy and started mindlessly repeating catchphrases from it 24/7, I finally lost my temper and told him how incredibly annoying it is. He just paused, turned to look me in the eyes, and said, "Shut up, Meg." FML

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By walmart: first time, last time - United States

Today, while I was out shopping, a fairly hideous-looking woman stormed up to me and accused me of ogling her, saying, "As if I'd ever date you!" Less than a minute later, she'd somehow managed to bully me into falsely admitting to it and apologizing. FML

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By weirdesout - United States

Today, I found out that my best friend kisses me while I sleep. We're both guys. FML

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By sierra.sl31

Today, my boyfriend of over a year decided he wants us to wait to get married before having sex again, after we've had sex almost every night of being together. FML

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By ilovesocks - United States

Today, I was hooking up with a guy I just met. Things were getting hot and heavy and he asked me if I had a condom. I said no, and to which he replied "that's okay, we can just use a sock" and pulled his sock off of his left foot. FML

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By nsb124 - United States

Today, it was my brother's birthday. I was short on money but got him a present anyway. After opening it, he looked at it and said, "I didn't really want this." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss came over to my desk and struck up a casual conversation about movies. After a while, he sat on the edge of my desk, nodded toward my chest, and said in the same casual, lighthearted tone, "And nice cleavage today. Keep that up." FML

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By Lola - France

Today, I dressed in my sexiest clothes to meet my new boyfriend at a restaurant. As I was a bit early, I took the opportunity to smoke a cigarette outside while I waited. The restaurant owner came out and said, "Hey, you. Go and 'work' somewhere else, please." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was riding my motorcycle when I saw my cheating ex-wife walking down the road. Out of anger, I spat my gum at her. I forgot that my helmet's visor was still down, so when I spat, the gum stuck against it. I was temporarily blinded and I crashed into some bushes. FML

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By Anonymous - Russian Federation

Today, the two and a half hours it took our poorly air conditioned taxi to go 20 miles in stop-and-go traffic was highlighted by our son projectile vomiting all over my wife, a suitcase, and the car. It ended with me having to pay both for the ride, as well as for cleaning the inside of the taxi. FML

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By ReallyNow - United States

Today, I got rear-ended while on my way to work. This wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't pregnant, suffering from a horrible UTI, and running a fever. My boss called in sick, so now I'm stuck running the office alone. With whiplash. FML

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By ticketed

Hammertime

Today, like every other day, I didn't stop at the stop sign right before my house because it's pointless and there's never any cops patrolling my neighborhood. Boy, was I wrong this time. FML

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By happyshit - United States

Today, I was driving when I saw someone pulled over on the side of the road. Wanting to help, I pulled over. In so doing, I ran over a nail, which popped my tire. The guy had just pulled over to pee. FML

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By rie - Ireland

Today, I found out my college friends are going to attack me after Christmas and attempt to tickle me to death. All because they know that I hate to be tickled. They are also going to make a Facebook group dedicated to the matter so people can join in if they wish. FML

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By Upset Mommy - United States

Today, my water broke. I called my mom, who had agreed to watch my other two kids while I went to the hospital. When I asked her to come over, she just said, "Sorry, now isn't a good time." FML

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By preggers - United States

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. My husband and I are divorcing because HE had an affair. He now wants a paternity test. FML

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By Rodrigeuz26 - United States

Today, I was sitting in IHOP with my girlfriend of six months when she brought in her son of three years she had neglected to tell me about, and asked 'Does this change things?' FML

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By dragynfyre - United States

Today, my boss called me out for a drug test. His reason was because my eyes are puffy and bloodshot, making me look high. I've been suffering from allergies all week, but still had to pee in a cup in front of a complete stranger. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, some wannabe molester actually used the "Do you know who my dad is?!" line on me as I threw him out of a club. Turns out his dad is my boss's brother. I'm now searching for a new job. FML

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By Experience - United States - Waynesfield

Today, my dad opened a Chinese fortune cookie that read, "Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes." Now he won't stop calling me Experience. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had my girlfriend over and we were hugging when she put her feet on my feet. We started walking around like that and I said, "This is hard to maintain." She replied with "So's your erection." FML

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By holly - United States

Today, I was watching tv on the couch. My mom then kicked me off so she could lie down. Exhausted, I asked if I could sit at the end. She said no. A minute later she called the dog to come sit with her. As I was sitting on the ground, my mom told me to move because "the dog can't see the TV." FML

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By ElevatorThug - Singapore

Today, as I got into an elevator, I spotted a little old lady hobbling desperately to get on. I frantically tapped on the 'door open' button but the doors closed. I got dirty looks from the people in the lift, only then did I realise I had frantically tapped the 'door close' button instead. FML

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By nd.11 - Canada

Today, I was on the city bus, and there was a woman and her child sitting behind me. I began to feel tugging on my jacket so I leaned forward, assuming the child was pulling at my jacket. I sat back and felt the tugging again. After a couple of minutes, I heard the mother say "stop chewing on that!" FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, while shopping with my sister, she asked me to wait for her while she quickly said hello to a friend. I sat on a bench for an hour before I realised she wasn't coming back. Turns out "hello" had turned into a date. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I finally felt better after having the flu for two weeks. I decided to do some much-needed cleaning that I hadn't been able to do while sick. I tripped over my rug and broke my ankle. FML

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By radiating

Today, my hay-fever started. I'm five months pregnant, and every time I cough, sneeze or blow my nose I either fart or wet myself. FML

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By thissucks - United States

Today, it's my mom's birthday. I woke up at midnight to be the first to tell her happy birthday. When I awoke in the morning, I decided to bake her a cake. Little did I know my whole family was going out to lunch to celebrate. I wasn't invited. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2021 01:58

Wait for me!

Today, the parking shuttle for work pulled away right as I was walking up to it. I was late to work. For the second day in a row. FML

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Top comments

By Tehalon | 0

#164139 - Sunday 3 May 2009 11:42

First time she meets the parents and already you're proposing?

By dragonslayer | 0

#184527 - Sunday 10 May 2009 6:34

We met in Europe, and I currently live in England and my parents live in the States, so that's why they haven't met her yet. I still proposed, and she said yes. And yes, my dad was calling her ugly.

COMMENTS

By asb1234561 | 0

#164132 - Sunday 3 May 2009 11:40

omg hehe first

By hilaryy_fml | 0

#164133 - Sunday 3 May 2009 11:41

well, did she say yes?

By philadelphianus | 0

#164138 - Sunday 3 May 2009 11:42

if i heard someone say that i would never make the connection that they were referring to proposing

anyway that's cute

Reply

ilovechocochipz | 0

#938181 - Friday 12 March 2010 4:52

ooooooo i thot that she was a dragin and the son was still looking for a prinncesss but i get it!!!!

Reply

Bea_FaCurtains | 17

#3443329 - Monday 17 October 2011 3:49

She is the dragon.

By Tehalon | 0

#164139 - Sunday 3 May 2009 11:42

First time she meets the parents and already you're proposing?

Reply

HockeyDude15 | 0

#2064562 - Thursday 10 February 2011 0:55

lol

Reply

swgmimi12 | 3

#2734531 - Wednesday 22 June 2011 5:21

I thought the same thing lol

Reply

laurenlovesjb | 20

#4768029 - Friday 3 August 2012 14:57

Why bother saying lol? We all know its funny!

By 1Tsk | 0

#164168 - Sunday 3 May 2009 11:57

you shouldn't marry her, you can't have baby's with a dragon

Reply

nightmaree_fml | 0

#1601334 - Monday 25 October 2010 14:55

LOL!

Reply

skizzlerz | 0

#2695382 - Thursday 16 June 2011 19:40

Donkey did. :D

By Blind_Ninja | 0

#164171 - Sunday 3 May 2009 12:03

#5 - Yes, you can.

Reply

megalan | 0

#814301 - Monday 1 February 2010 3:08

yea donkey did it in shrek 2 lol

Reply

jonnyplayzaguita | 0

#962721 - Thursday 18 March 2010 20:37

hahahhah yea

Reply

luckycharm421 | 3

#1151291 - Wednesday 28 July 2010 6:06

that Stills is scary.

By tWitt3rBuG | 0

#164183 - Sunday 3 May 2009 12:19

Sometimes parents know best. Think wait it out a while before proposing. I mean if she's the one, she'd still be there a few months down. Give your parents a chance to change their perception of her. If you rush things your parents may never be given a fair chance to get to know her better, as a friend.

Reply

zaveeshaveesh3 | 7

#3533691 - Thursday 3 November 2011 1:44

If you don't know these people, please don't give them advice about one of the most important things that will happen in their lives.

By almosted | 0

#164186 - Sunday 3 May 2009 12:25

Wait, did he mean she was ugly? And yeah, sounds like you guys haven't been dating that long if your parents had only met her once.

Reply

Konarika | 11

#7413109 - Sunday 19 February 2017 20:19

He said they never met his girlfriend because he lives in England with her, while his parents live in the US

By Krabby_fml | 0

#164193 - Sunday 3 May 2009 12:28

That's a FML on so many levels :x

By AUT_student | 0

#164200 - Sunday 3 May 2009 12:35

Did he know you were going to propose tonight? That's definitely an FYL; otherwise maybe he saved you a bad deal, first impressions are often right. Still kinda crap for you though.
Did you propose anyway? And, if so, did she say yes?