Miscellaneous: Today, my obsession with saying "your mom" reached a new level... - FML

By Motha - 09/04/2014 05:17 - United States - West Jordan

Today, my obsession with saying "your mom" reached a new level when my anatomy teacher asked what I did with my pencil. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 593

You deserved it 50 353

Best teeth in the game

Dysfunctional

Another great day to be alive

Sounds lovely

By theotherotherguy - 27/09/2012 05:22 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I started a job on a building site. Halfway through, I needed to use the toilet. One of the builders said there were two of them; one was "OK" and the other was "nasty." The first one I walked into had the foulest stench imaginable. Apparently, that was the "OK" one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 809

You deserved it 1 844

By unbelievable208 - 05/08/2009 05:28 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house. It was just me and her. Things began to get heated, and we started doing it on the living room couch. Near the end of it I decided to whisper in her ear, "Who's your daddy?" I hear behind me, "I am." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 571

You deserved it 86 466

By MikeNick - 17/12/2011 07:59 - United States

Today, I somehow managed to slam my trumpet case closed on my nipple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 654

You deserved it 9 778

By kahemae44 - 27/10/2009 10:20 - United States

Today, I visited my boyfriend's house excited about the romantic night he promised me. As time passed, we started making out and heading up to his room. Rose petals and candles filled his room. "How romantic", I thought. That is, until we saw his 5 year old sister blowing up condom balloons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 333

You deserved it 5 536

By Diesel - 03/05/2011 14:23 - Belgium

Today, my motorcycle was stolen. If that wasn't bad enough, the thief drove past me. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 377

You deserved it 4 572

By sammyducks227 - 08/11/2013 07:49 - United States - Saint Charles

Today, I've invited friends and family to my birthday party. I've also come home to find that my parents didn't pay the water bill. I either have to tell everyone I know that they are uninvited or not to take dumps in my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 518

You deserved it 3 680

By sorejecteditmakesmewannacry - 29/08/2013 10:44 - France - Poissy

Today, I asked a cute guy for his number but instead he gave it to my gay friend. When my friend later called him, it turned out that he'd given him his number just to get rid of me and wasn't expecting him to call. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 102

You deserved it 3 791

By framed - 02/04/2016 12:30 - United States - Portsmouth

Today, I was chatting with a new guy at work. He cracked a joke about me and I jokingly gave him a light push on the shoulder. Half a second after I touched him, he threw himself back and hit the floor yelling in "pain". Now I'm suspended because of this psycho. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 307

You deserved it 2 405

By Hungryman - 15/01/2010 21:30 - France

Today, I ordered a Diet Coke with my meal from a fast food restaurant. Turns out, they didn't give me diet. My blood sugar spiked and I was sick for hours later. I'm a diabetic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 303

You deserved it 8 231

Wardrobe change please

By Meagan Ortiz - 16/08/2020 23:02

Today, I choked on water so hard that I threw up and shat myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 474

You deserved it 220

Sociopathic method

By Anonymous - 27/08/2021 18:01

Today, it seemed like my new boyfriend worked wonders training my puppy. Now she listens, doesn’t bark and doesn’t chew everything to bits anymore. I was very impressed, until my boyfriend told me beating a dog until it behaves works every time. My dog isn’t trained; she’s too terrified to move. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 257

You deserved it 144

By Anonymous - 11/02/2010 00:03 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of a couple of months texted me that she was very sad because her puppy had just passed away. Feeling sorry for her, I bought her another puppy of the same breed. I wrapped it in a blanket and placed it on the passenger seat and went to pick her up from school. She sat on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 925

You deserved it 8 787

By And I'm still single - 24/03/2013 08:59 - United States - Mission Viejo

Today, I found out that my picture from a dating profile was so "hilarious" that people have been posting it on Instagram with mean captions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 439

You deserved it 6 021

Freudian slip

By LLP - 15/10/2020 17:01 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found out there's nothing like getting dumped and then receiving an inadvertent Snapchat sext from your ex-girlfriend that was intended for her new boyfriend, on what would have been your anniversary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 457

You deserved it 115

By Anonymous - 14/11/2016 03:35

Today, I flew 1800 km with my two small children to a remote northern village for work. Our bags were lost, leaving us without winter gear and only one change of clothes. Just to make things extra fun, we now all have uncontrollable vomiting and diarrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 055

You deserved it 1 024

By deadmedia - 30/08/2009 00:39 - Canada

Today, my best friend informed me that I could not be her maid of honour because I "wasn't as pretty as the other bridesmaids" and she wanted her wedding photos to have "consistency". FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 897

You deserved it 3 848

Friday, baby!

By jack - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - France - Ajaccio

Today, I tried inviting the girl I like out to dinner. She replied, "Sorry, I already have plans." I asked her what they were, and she said, "I don’t know yet, but I’ll think of something." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 610

You deserved it 2 369

By Anonymous - 20/12/2014 20:00 - United States - Framingham

Today, my fiancé pawned off my engagement ring so he could buy himself a PS4. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 553

You deserved it 4 871

By anon - 12/10/2010 21:52 - United States

Today, I fainted because of a condition I have. My husband, who was standing right there, failed to catch me because he didn't want to drop his yogurt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 126

You deserved it 4 169

By bex - 07/01/2009 15:42 - United States

Today, I went out to lunch with two friends from high school. We saw a girl that we graduated with at the restaurant. The girl gave both of them hugs and introduced herself to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 526

You deserved it 2 167

By clitorasaurus - 21/08/2010 06:09 - Canada

Today, I pulled a muscle in my arm while wiping my butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 571

You deserved it 32 936

By holla1787 - 04/12/2009 03:11 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Her birthday is tomorrow so she sent her new boyfriend to pick up her birthday present. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 468

You deserved it 2 803

By left alone - 29/08/2016 12:46 - United States - Schenectady

Today, the client that hired us for cleaning cancelled her contract because I was seen "holding a broom backwards." I'm left-handed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 371

You deserved it 931

By syle - 13/11/2008 06:51 - France

Today, my son forgot to log out of MSN. He had written, "When am I getting out of this place?" and his username was "mother fucker". FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 755

You deserved it 7 610

By 1fungi - 07/12/2010 05:25

Today, it's my 26th birthday. My girlfriend gave me a matchbox car, a glow necklace, and a squirt gun. For her birthday, I bought her a new dress, rented a limo, and took her around to bar hop with her friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 959

You deserved it 5 408

By I'm a joke? - 30/05/2013 05:37

Today, I found out that me having a boyfriend is an on-going family joke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 574

You deserved it 4 164

By sadNsingle - 23/09/2017 06:00

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend of 7 years and I broke up right before my sister's wedding, because he didn't want to be there when we found out he gave the both of us an STD. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 456

You deserved it 794

By Ima_Moronski - 26/07/2011 03:35 - United States

Today, I went shopping with my grandma. She went to the bathroom and was gone for a long while. I jokingly asked, "What happened, you fall in?" She did. She had shit all over the back of her shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 355

You deserved it 7 090

By stupidcunt - 14/04/2014 23:43 - United Kingdom - Colchester

Today, I was looking at the map on my phone whilst walking down a street. I heard the sound of a bike behind me so I moved to let the cyclist past. He snatched the phone out of my hand and sped off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 450

You deserved it 5 327

By nevaagain - 19/08/2016 20:00 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I saw a cute guy at the coffee shop reading a book. Wanting to be friendly, I smiled as I approached and asked what he was reading. He returned the smile and said, "Minding your damn business, by Fuck Off." FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 381

You deserved it 3 441

By Tymer - 23/11/2012 15:56 - Canada - Malahat

Today, while at school, a bra fell out of my coat. After the initial shock, people started congratulating me on finally getting a girlfriend. I didn't have the heart to tell them it was my mom's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 670

You deserved it 3 815

By anonymous - 18/09/2009 17:48 - France

Today, I wasn't feeling too good, and took my temperature. I had a fever, which I told my boyfriend who was laughing hysterically when I told him. I asked him what was so funny, turns out he's been using the thermometer to take our dog's temperature sometimes. Rectally, of course. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 488

You deserved it 5 558

By myheadhurts - 21/06/2009 07:09 - United States

Today, I came home from an amazing cruise to find that my house broken into. My best friend apparently decided to invite her drug addicted friends into my home while I was away where they stole 172$ and my migraine pills, which are non-refillable. I now have a migraine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 141

You deserved it 5 402

Slip of the tongue

By Anonymous - 22/05/2020 23:00

Today, a few army recruiters came to my school to discuss their jobs with us. When asked to say our name and what we wanted to do when we were older, I said I wanted to be a prosecutor. Everyone started laughing. Turns out everyone thought I said prostitute, including the recruiters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 450

You deserved it 168

By wallflower - 10/09/2009 06:25 - United States

Spicy

Today, I finally agreed to the threesome that my husband has been trying to persuade me to have. We arranged it with my hot best friend, thinking I would be more comfortable with her. I ended up lying naked beside them, watching them have fun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 047

You deserved it 40 796

By Lazy - 20/09/2009 12:03 - Australia

Today, I was at work and was trying to cheer up my stressed out manager by chatting. We were on the subject of sleeping in when I told her that I loved to be lazy and sleep in when I could. She looked up and down me and then answered, "I can see that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 705

You deserved it 10 100

By Host grandfather - 21/09/2018 06:00 - United States - Tampa

Today, I took my transfer student, who I am hosting for her year of study in America, to the doctor. It turns out that she is pregnant, and my teenage son is the father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 544

You deserved it 620

Weight watcher

By depressedkiwi - 15/07/2020 08:01

Today, I found out my mother-in-law is trying to force me to lose weight, even though I am trying, and have a medical condition. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 323

You deserved it 642

By ThanksMom - 08/07/2016 07:54 - United States - State College

Today, while taking out the trash late at night with my mom, a group of people drove by and decided it would be funny to turn around and chase us up the driveway in their car. Before I even realized what was happening, my mom was already halfway to the house yelling back, "You're on your own!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 485

You deserved it 1 298

High hopes

By fml - 05/01/2015 03:10 - United States

Today, these cute girls approached me and asked me to take a picture of them. One girl asked me if I could send it to her because her phone had died. I was excited to have her number, but it turns out that she deleted the message after she sent the picture to herself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 220

You deserved it 7 591

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Top comments

Lebeaugars95 20

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Wednesday 9 April 2014 15:31

guess who the teacher called after that comment

SpunkyyyMonkeyy 10

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Wednesday 9 April 2014 15:14

All you had to do was go to class with a pencil. I am sure McDonalds is hiring though.

Comments

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Wednesday 9 April 2014 15:09

Hi I'm so glad to be #1

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Wednesday 9 April 2014 15:11

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Lebeaugars95 20

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Wednesday 9 April 2014 15:31

guess who the teacher called after that comment

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Wednesday 9 April 2014 15:51

OP, you dumb

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Wednesday 9 April 2014 17:58

#21- should i say it?

Wednesday 9 April 2014 18:12

# 57- It's called a rhetorical questions bro

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Wednesday 9 April 2014 18:48

#60 Its called a joke, bro.

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Wednesday 9 April 2014 19:28

Why can't we all just laugh at this? FML is no place to lose our sense of humor!! No matter how old and over used your mom gets, it's still gonna be funny.

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Wednesday 9 April 2014 19:38

"How over used your mom gets" Hahaha!

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Wednesday 9 April 2014 21:36

Your mom

bomzo 22

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Wednesday 9 April 2014 23:29

the dad?

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Wednesday 9 April 2014 23:42

73, I'm glad you found and appreciated my hidden your mom joke

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Thursday 10 April 2014 1:10

Dude fuck you, it's always funny.

GRubi 17

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Thursday 10 April 2014 2:44

He didn't really ask for sympathy. He just posted an FML...

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Friday 11 April 2014 16:57

#101 Cause obviously, insulting someone's mother, which they most likely care deeply for, is always gonna be funny and totally isn't going to piss someone off. Granted some will take it as a joke, but eventually, shits gonna fly.

Blaphlafagus 19

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Saturday 12 April 2014 19:07

60, What do you get when you mix a rhetorical question with a joke?

random_stuff 15

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Monday 14 April 2014 19:35

Awkward, hesitant nervousness and unsure glances.

Wednesday 9 April 2014 15:12

I know the answer to this.... Your mom ...

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Wednesday 9 April 2014 15:52

Don't stoop to OP's level.

BrickTamlandLamp 13

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Wednesday 9 April 2014 17:35

You don't say...

HairyPunisher 27

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Wednesday 9 April 2014 17:41

You have an answer but there is no question.

Rexor 9

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Wednesday 9 April 2014 15:12

Muscleman, is that you?

IndicaPaincakes 28

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Wednesday 9 April 2014 15:19

It would be "My mom" if it were Muscle man.

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Wednesday 9 April 2014 15:13

Umm, all I can say is sorryOP. YDF

cyanidesandwich 21

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Wednesday 9 April 2014 15:43

YDF?

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Wednesday 9 April 2014 15:54

You definitely farted

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Wednesday 9 April 2014 16:06

Yellow ducks fly.

SpunkyyyMonkeyy 10

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Wednesday 9 April 2014 15:14

All you had to do was go to class with a pencil. I am sure McDonalds is hiring though.

fuckyouropinion 4

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Wednesday 9 April 2014 18:14

Would you like fries with that sir?

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Wednesday 9 April 2014 19:57

no I would like your mom with that, sir.

Faff 20

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Wednesday 9 April 2014 19:59

maybe dundermifflin is hiring

Butwhymeagain 12

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Wednesday 9 April 2014 15:14

This is funny though... no remorse!

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Wednesday 9 April 2014 15:15

Some self control is severely needed.

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Wednesday 9 April 2014 15:17

Total YDI.

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Wednesday 9 April 2014 22:23

You know there's a button for that.

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Wednesday 9 April 2014 15:17

"Your mom"? Really? How old are you, 13?

SpunkyyyMonkeyy 10

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Wednesday 9 April 2014 15:31

I'm 19 and when my friend saids, "Doug! Who ate all my icecream!" I will always yell back, "Your mom, bitch!" Friends influence this shit i swear.

warsun 27

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Thursday 10 April 2014 1:09

Nah mate 13 year olds over here don't say it. 12 on the other hand.....

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Thursday 10 April 2014 8:06

#10 my brother would always insult the mother of his "enemy" when he's playing video games.

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23

You deserved it 16

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62

You deserved it 17

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 248

You deserved it 73

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 133

You deserved it 2 523