Miscellaneous: Today, I was taking a biology final and was just randomly tapping... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15

You deserved it 2

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 350

You deserved it 92

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 142

You deserved it 1 255

26/05/2016 16:37

Today, I was taking a biology final and was just randomly tapping my pencil. My teacher thought I was somehow communicating with the person next to me, and decided to fail me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 213

You deserved it 1 504

Own it

This Charming Man

Our house, in the middle of our street

10/04/2009 07:06

Today, I went for a lunch interview for my dream job. The interview was great and at the end, I tried to seal the deal by complimenting my future boss. I said, "You're really hardworking. Do you always work on a Saturday?" He looked at me, smiled and then wrote something down. Today's Friday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 809

You deserved it 59 768

22/07/2016 19:25

Today, I had the option of choosing a train or a plane to get to my destination. The train was cheaper but took 4 hours longer, so I picked the plane. My flight was delayed, so I essentially paid more to arrive later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 519

You deserved it 1 757

01/11/2009 00:22

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. After about five minutes, he sneezes violently on me. I don't know what's worse, him getting snot all over my intimate bits or the fact that the sneeze felt better then what he was doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 052

You deserved it 3 160

30/07/2009 10:01

Today, me and my girls went to get revenge on a girl who slept with my boyfriend by egging her house. Her house was too far away so we decided to get her truck. We wasted a carton of eggs on her driveway because we all have terrible aim and look incredibly stupid for missing so bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 467

You deserved it 64 293

21/04/2011 02:57

Today, I logged on to Facebook and had 64 notifications. I thought that perhaps I was popular. But no, it was my ten year old sister, liking 64 of my pictures. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 095

You deserved it 6 577

13/04/2011 02:20

Today, I watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes, thinking "wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized that I'd been watching my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 611

You deserved it 40 908

12/09/2009 07:39

Today, the guy I have been in love with for years decided to tell me all about his women problems and how he can't find someone. After telling him I loved him he responds, "do you know if anyone else does?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 116

You deserved it 4 030

29/12/2009 15:09

Today, I went to the dentist after not being there for 3 years. I was told that I had loads of cavities and that I would need to pay $3,000 for a serious mouth surgery. The reason I hadn't been to the dentist in 3 years: I've been married to a dentist for 3 years that said my teeth were "perfect." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 265

You deserved it 6 107

22/03/2009 19:45

Today, my mother and I walked past my boyfriend, whom she's never met. After we casually greeted each other and went on our way my mother said, "He's cute. Who is he?" I paused for a second and replied, "That's my boyfriend." She then said, "Does he know that?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 605

You deserved it 14 345

05/03/2009 07:24

Today, it was my birthday. I set up a dinner party for 20 of my closest friends. I arrived at the restaurant, fully dressed and everything. When I got there, I thought everyone was ready to surprise me, but instead, nobody showed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 103 970

You deserved it 6 903

13/04/2011 10:19

Today, I came out to my parents. They nodded empathetically throughout my entire speech and told me repeatedly that it was okay. As I smiled and stood up, my dad asked, "But you're still going to marry a guy, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 463

You deserved it 8 097

04/01/2012 18:30

Today, I came home to find that my mother had sold all my valuable collector coins for cheap at a local shady pawn shop to buy herself a TV. The coins in question were worth enough to start a business. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 421

You deserved it 3 036

05/08/2009 13:37

Today, I was sitting on the bus next to a hot guy who was texting. I sneaked a peek at his phone to see if he was texting a girl so I could know if he was single. As I looked at his screen, he turned it towards me and typed in caps "STOP BEING A CREEPER." He got out of his seat and off the bus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 849

You deserved it 86 565

05/05/2017 02:00

Today, I had to pick up my brother and his girlfriend from the bar at 2:00am because they were too drunk to drive themselves and had no money for an Uber. Five minutes into the ride, they started going at it in the back of my new car. I don't think I'll be doing favors again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 376

You deserved it 506

Private everything, always!

By Unemployed - 31/08/2021 16:01

Today, I received an e-mail telling me the job offer I got last week was rescinded. Apparently, the memes I share on my Instagram page are "tasteless" and don’t fit the company’s values. I forgot my profile is public. FML

I agree, your life sucks 319

You deserved it 1 646

Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol...

By gassy - 17/08/2018 18:30

Today, I have to deliver a wedding speech. I also have a cold. That would be bad enough, but ever since I was a kid, if I cough or sneeze, I also fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 823

You deserved it 211

29/01/2010 03:32

Today, my fiancé told me he didn't have the money to make payments on my engagement ring and that I either have to return it, or make the payments myself. Now we aren't engaged any more, and are "dating." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 850

You deserved it 4 426

01/01/2011 23:21

Spicy

Today, I spent the first day of the new year helping out at an old folks home. I was assigned to watch over a group which includes the delightful Earnie; an 83 year old delusional man who sees absolutely no problem with showing off "what the good lord gave him" every chance he gets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 616

You deserved it 3 960

22/12/2012 22:19

Today, while talking to my boyfriend, he got upset and accused me of making up words to make him feel stupid. All because I used the word "vapid." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 464

You deserved it 7 564

04/08/2012 23:04

Today, my 15-year-old son begged me to pre-order the next season of My Little Pony. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 065

You deserved it 7 310

11/08/2012 14:20

Today, my social anxiety hit a new low. I was playing bingo and, although I won, I didn't shout "bingo" because I thought too many people would look at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 412

You deserved it 8 855

28/04/2009 22:13

Today, my house got broken into. My brand new laptop was stolen, along with my flatscreen TV, digital camera, external hard drive and some clothes. Wanting to drown my sorrows in the Ben and Jerry's Phish Food ice cream in the freezer, I opened the door to find that it too had been stolen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 217 950

You deserved it 15 276

29/08/2013 18:12

Today, my girlfriend freaked out, thinking she might be pregnant due to her period being late. I found myself reminding her that one actually has to have had sex recently to become pregnant. We've been living together, sexless, for over a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 637

You deserved it 6 518

05/01/2011 16:41

Today, while I was out of the office, I'd left my phone charging inside. My boss informed me that since I am clearly running up her electricity bill, it will be deducted out of my already nearly non existent paycheck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 249

You deserved it 4 341

17/05/2015 21:27

Today, I had an outdoor meeting with some important clients. It wasn't until the meeting was over that my coworker decided to inform me that I had bird poop in my hair "pretty much the entire time." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 920

You deserved it 2 115

17/06/2013 16:43

Spicy

Today, my grandma's new dildo arrived in the mail. We buried her yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 379

You deserved it 4 571

12/05/2011 23:34

Today, my boyfriend came home from a camping trip and broke up with me. All because when he was watching the lake he was near, ripples formed. Apparently, this means God was telling him I'm impure and unable to be "saved by Christ" and therefore, a waste of his time. I dated this lunatic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 162

You deserved it 8 509

22/10/2012 18:56

Today, my son got expelled after using the photocopier to photocopy his penis. He then used the copies to replace every directional arrow posted throughout the school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 143

You deserved it 5 248

09/01/2010 21:20

Today, I dressed up, went over to my boyfriend and told him he could do anything he wanted. He said nothing and walked outside. I figured he'd come back in shortly, but when I looked out the window a few minutes later, he was building a snowman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 604

You deserved it 11 658

19/06/2011 06:38

Today, I left early from a trashy dance and bought a soda at a Shell station. The clerk asked me if I had been smoking weed. When I replied "No", he said "You mean you always look like that?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 540

You deserved it 5 582

11/12/2011 01:03

Today, our new boss showed up for his first day of work. I thought I'd seen it all, but he demands that we say "Hail to the King" every time he passes through the office. When I called HR about it, the guy on the other end told me to "man up and deal with it". FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 233

You deserved it 4 268

13/11/2009 20:26

Today, I was shopping with my baby daughter when an older woman came up to me. She glared and said, "You know, if you kids learned how to keep your legs closed, you wouldn't be a mother at 16." I'm 25. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 031

You deserved it 4 010

Running gag

By TheJoker - 12/05/2009 05:25

Today, I was jogging in my neighborhood when I saw a kid's ball roll over to where I was jogging. I stopped, grabbed the ball for the kid and went to hand it to him. He then yelled, "Stranger danger!" and his parents came sprinting out. I had to explain the story to the police for 30 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 672

You deserved it 3 191

09/10/2015 18:27

Spicy

Today, I told my boyfriend that I love him. He replied, dead serious, "That's nice and all, but anal speaks louder than words." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 187

You deserved it 4 571

Polly Want a Wax

By Baldy - 07/09/2017 13:00

Today, I was using pre-waxed strips to wax my eyebrows when my parrot investigated by walking through them. He then screamed, flew into my hair, thrashed around, and got stuck. I now have two bald spots and two parrot bites. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 620

You deserved it 627

13/07/2014 07:46

Spicy

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he could finally go down on me. He said, "No, that's disgusting" and then asked me for a blowjob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 569

You deserved it 8 609

09/09/2015 05:09

Spicy

Today, after carefully, and might I say, expertly removing all the hair from my girlfriend's genitals, she decided to try and "Nair" my balls. 24 hours later and I still can't walk properly and my balls look like they were involved in a severe kitchen incident. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 771

You deserved it 5 155

10/02/2009 15:08

Today, I was tutoring kids at an elementary school. One kid messed up my hair. I said, "Why'd you do that??" He said, "I have lice, now you have lice too!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 102 064

You deserved it 5 773

31/03/2012 04:22

Today, I visited my gynecologist. As she had her fingers inside me she decided that was the perfect time to say, "I absolutely love your socks!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 508

You deserved it 3 479

27/10/2014 16:25

Today, I watched my co-worker throw the mother of all temper tantrums. He's a radio personality, and just learned that he's not famous enough to use the "Don't you know who I am?" line to get out of a traffic ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 253

You deserved it 3 147

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Friday 27 May 2016 2:27

Paranoid delusions are no laug—*glances at OP's username* …FML, is this really you? Have you become self-aware? What would you like me to do first, FML?

JuniorBustillos 9

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Friday 27 May 2016 2:11

She must of thought you were using morse code

Comments

Benpie 22

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Friday 27 May 2016 2:09

Talk to the teacher, or if that fails, the dean.

JuniorBustillos 9

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Friday 27 May 2016 2:11

She must of thought you were using morse code

ShadowWyvern666 16

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Friday 27 May 2016 3:42

Somebody at my school actually did get caught using morse code with a friend to cheat, so it's not completely unreasonable to think that it could happen.

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Friday 27 May 2016 4:31

Reminds me of the sound ninja from naruto who copied someone's answers to a test just from just the frequency of the tapping of the pencil

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Saturday 28 May 2016 8:20

** must've :)

OysterPearls 33

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Friday 27 May 2016 2:12

These damned kids and their Morse code...

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Friday 27 May 2016 2:24

And their staplers, grain elevators, and gosh-darned vulcanised rubber pneumatic tires! Why won't why just stay off my lawn?!

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Friday 27 May 2016 2:15

Pfft. Back in my day we used coughs and sneezes. The truly advanced cheaters communicated by blinking.

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Friday 27 May 2016 3:57

I can communicate to my best friend by eyebrows

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Wednesday 8 June 2016 9:24

That's impressive

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Friday 27 May 2016 2:19

Did she also fail the person she thought you were communicating with? Did she just assume you were communicating in general, not to a specific person, with your taps?

dragoongirl90 34

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Friday 27 May 2016 2:22

Go to the principal. That's fucked.

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Friday 27 May 2016 2:27

Paranoid delusions are no laug—*glances at OP's username* …FML, is this really you? Have you become self-aware? What would you like me to do first, FML?

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Friday 27 May 2016 8:35

Obviously it wants you to read more fml's. The more you read, the more of your soul it consumes so it can be truly self aware.

ifuckuprandomly 28

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Friday 27 May 2016 2:28

Kick the teacher in the eye socket whilst screaming "Anarchy to the beholder" and run.

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Friday 27 May 2016 4:44

What is that supposed to mean exactly? "Anarchy to the beholder"?

TheLawIsHere 23

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Friday 27 May 2016 2:37

YDI. People making noise tapped their pens is annoying and distracting as hell

chinaski7628 32

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Friday 27 May 2016 4:32

While it's true that that can be annoying and distracting, a simple "please stop" should suffice. An accusation of cheating and a failing grade is extreme.

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Friday 27 May 2016 8:22

I agree!! Making noise during a test is so freaking rude! Yeah he shouldn't have been failed, the Teacher should have made him stop.

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Friday 27 May 2016 12:03

@20 - If you say "please stop" you'll risk getting booted for talking in an exam though.

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Friday 27 May 2016 3:10

She must have thought you were Dexter from Dexter's Laboratory.

oathkeeper99 31

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Friday 27 May 2016 15:41

I remember that episode, then he tapped out "Ouch" in morse code after he'd been hit.