Today, I was taking a biology final and was just randomly tapping...

By NittanyMangini - 26/5/2016 16:37 - United States

Today, I was taking a biology final and was just randomly tapping my pencil. My teacher thought I was somehow communicating with the person next to me, and decided to fail me. FML

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Miscellaneous

Instadrama

Emergency haircut

DINOSAURS!!

By Anonymous - 7/12/2009 22:54 - United States

Today, my tire was a little low on air. I decided to put in a can of Fix-A-Flat and drive home. Since it was 10 degrees outside and snowing, the can became frozen to the valve. When I finally got the can off, I had ruined the valve, so I had to put on the spare tire. It was flat too. FML

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By fubuggie - 14/6/2013 05:57 - United States - Saint Albans

Today, while working the register, a known mentally-unstable man approached me. He ended up telling me that the Statue of Liberty is sexist and a screw-up by Washington. When I told him that the French made it, he told me to shut up and complained to my manager. He knows me by name now. FML

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By haaaye - 22/10/2019 02:00 - United States

Sounds cosy

Today, my Twitter got hacked, and I can't get it back. Everyone now thinks I live in a trailer and have multiple STDs. FML

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By Mike Polk - 3/10/2011 12:37 - United States

Today, there was a guy following me, so to avoid him, I crouched down and basically waddled behind a wall to get past him. Sure enough, first thing I see when I get around the corner, while still waddling, was an unhappy midget couple staring right at me. FML

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By whoreticulturalist - 27/10/2012 19:18 - United Kingdom - Plymouth

Today, I decided to watch some porn to cheer myself up after having recently been dumped. Halfway through wanking the gibbon, I got a horrifyingly painful cramp in my foot, and cried out in pain. Ten seconds later, with my pants still down, my dad rushed in to see if I was okay. FML

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By Gimmie a spare - 19/4/2016 20:45 - United States - Memphis

Today, as usual, I went to pick up my brother and sister from school in the rain. When we got to my truck, I realized I had locked us out. We had to walk home in the rain, only to find the spare house key had not been put back in its spot since the last time it was used. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2009 13:27 - Canada

Today, I worked at my job at an amusement park at one of the roller coasters. I have to go around and make sure that every seat belt is around the passenger. I saw my boyfriend in a seat and ran over to say hi. I saw a girl next to him. I had to strap down my cheating boyfriend and the new girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/5/2019 17:15

Today, I got a call from my 14-year-old step-daughter while I was out. She'd left nail polish in her pocket when she'd tried to wash the clothes. I now have hot pink streaks on most of my work clothes. FML

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By tripleBBB - 9/9/2018 01:30

Today, I was in the shower when I realised that maybe I'm getting a little too fat. I was scrubbing the old belly when a dollar flew out onto the floor. I'm 23. FML

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By Anon - 28/1/2019 06:00 - United States - West Jefferson

Today, my girlfriend and I went on a date. I went to the bathroom. When I came back, she was sitting at a different table flirting with a guy that looked twice as old as her. FML

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By I Know How to Pick'em - 16/11/2015 12:25 - Canada - Beaverton

Today, as I had a chat with my boyfriend and a couple of his friends, one of them had brought up my boyfriend's son and his other child who was due any day now. The conversation would have went well, had I known that he had a son and a pregnant girlfriend. FML

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By -.- - 19/1/2015 01:18 - United States - Ellwood City

Today, my mother told me how long it took for her to have me. Not how long she carried me in her womb - how long it took her and my dad to have sex. FML

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By hnickell93 - 9/10/2012 01:55 - United States - Visalia

Today, I was consoling my drunk husband as he violently emptied his stomach contents into our toilet. One particular retch made me nauseous, and I vomited all down his back, causing him to turn his head and vomit all over the wall. I got to clean it all up. FML

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By h - 20/12/2018 00:00

Today, while at a restaurant, my three year old daughter pointed at an African-American girl and yelled out “She’s ugly because she’s black!” Me and my wife got dirty looks for the entire rest of our meal. We have no idea where she learned that. FML

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By Adam - 16/3/2010 20:51 - United States

Today, I woke up to go pee and my cat followed me into the bathroom as usual. Then, in a not so usual fashion, she tried to jump from the sink to the top of the toilet, missed, and fell into the bowl while I was peeing. I'm scratched in a bad place, I have urine to clean up off the bathroom floor, and a traumatized cat. FML

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By HiImAlfredo - 14/9/2014 18:47 - United States - Hampton

Today, I went deep-sea fishing with my friends. I told them my new phone case is waterproof, and I showed them by pouring a bit of water on it. My friend decided to throw it in the water for a better example. The case didn't float. FML

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By biblewanker - 17/12/2010 16:05 - Australia

Today, while in a public restroom I could hear a guy having his way with his hand. He was quoting verses from the bible. I was in a cubicle and he was at the urinal. I was too frightened to leave. This went on for a very long time. FML

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By kacie smith - 16/9/2012 12:36 - United States - Youngsville

Today, my husband and I bought a new swing for our front porch. We put it together and sat down to enjoy our accomplishment. 5 minutes into our swing I threw up several times. I have really bad motion sickness, and apparently a swing is no exception. FML

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By jessefonsexy. - 7/12/2010 11:08 - United States

Today, I was trying to go to sleep when I heard my sister come home from the bar. I fell asleep and woke up an hour later to see my sister squatting in my dresser drawer. I asked her what she was doing and she said "I'm peeing." FML

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By Karaoke Queen - 20/11/2018 12:00

Today, I went to a work event and was having my picture taken with a coworker. Since we had done karaoke together, someone said we should pose like we were singing. I held my hand up like I was holding a mic and opened my mouth. It looked like I was performing a sex act. My boss glared at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/6/2009 18:25 - Israel

Today, I woke up late. My grandparents had slept over the night before but they usually left early. I heard someone in the kitchen and thinking it was my brother, I said "Thank god, the geriatric crew is FINALLY gone." My grandma responds, "No we're not." FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2015 00:37 - United States - Mantua

Today, I told my dog to give me the stick he had in his mouth so I could throw it for him. After I picked it up I realized it was a dried-out piece of shit. FML

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By FMyBrain - 6/6/2014 21:26 - United States - Fairbanks

Today, my brain decided to go into suicide mode. So far I've managed to open a fridge door into my face, walk balls-first into the corner of a table, and sliced my finger while trying to cut open some thick plastic packaging with scissors. I'll probably be dead by the time this is posted. FML

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By BoredRunner42 - 7/9/2009 06:33 - United States

Today, I had a great time with a girl I liked. I asked her out and she said yes. She also said she cuts herself and if I ever broke up with her, I'll be responsible for her death. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2009 03:21 - United States

Today, I wanted to make love with my boyfriend for the first time. I wanted everything to be perfect. The CD kept skipping, the rose petals had ants all over them, and he couldn't get it up. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/5/2012 22:20 - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, my mother described what her ideal daughter-in-law should be like. Half-way through her description, fishing for some compliments, I told her that such a girl would be way above my league. She sighed and emphatically agreed. FML

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By ilikecake - 29/5/2009 11:12 - United Arab Emirates

Today, it was my boyfriend's 24th birthday. His friends were throwing him a surprise party and I was in charge of getting his birthday cake. As a joke, I got it in the shape of a penis, with a graphic marzipan design. Funny, I never knew his overly-conservative parents were invited. FML

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By MsGlaDos - 12/6/2013 21:45 - United States - Austin

Today, I accidentally left some music playing on my iPad, then left to do some errands. When I came back, I found it smashed into a million pieces. Apparently, grandpa couldn't find any other way to "shut off that goddamn music." FML

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By RAS266 - 26/6/2017 00:00

Today, a water snake slithered into our pool. He can have it. FML

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By MisterMisinformed - 1/9/2010 04:30 - Canada

Today, I found out that Whoopi Goldberg was NOT Oprah Winfrey's stage name. I was then laughed at for ages by my co-workers. FML

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By RuasaLove - 30/7/2015 02:34 - United States - Pleasantville

Today, I was doing laundry while my boyfriend was sitting at the table playing on his phone. I glanced over and caught him watching my ass as I put clothes in the dryer. Trying to be sexy, I looked at him as I slowly bent over to put more clothes in. Instead, I hit my head hard on the dryer door. FML

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By Shotacon - 7/4/2016 03:06 - United States - Woodbury

Today, while using the leg press at the gym, some guy thought he could use more weight than me since I look really young. He hurt himself. He then blamed me and tried to get me kicked out. FML

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By Noname - 27/1/2009 00:02 - Japan

Today, I sneezed so hard I herniated my back. After passing out from the pain I awoke on the floor covered in my own shit and piss. Unable to move, I had to wait in this state for four hours for my wife to return home from work, clean me up and take me to the hospital. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/5/2013 21:00 - Germany

Today, I overheard my boyfriend admitting that he's only dating me because having me around "sucks a bit less than fucking my own hand". FML

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By offended - 7/4/2009 06:15 - United States

Today, I was putting the finishing touches on my portrait of a young boy in art class. I asked my teacher if she could help correct the bad parts of my portrait. She said, "Well that would take all day and I just don't have the time." She was serious. I thought this was my best work yet. FML

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By jailey - 26/7/2016 02:26

Today, my friend decided that we should go clubbing together to "catch up". Her version of catching up is me standing beside her making out with some random dude in the parking lot. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2017 05:00

Today, my girlfriend and I went to a shop known for its hardcore sex toys. We happened to run into one of my university lecturers and her wife discussing butt plugs with a member of staff, and then saw my aunt and uncle at the register. FML

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By anon - 25/10/2010 05:42 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend watches porn. Specifically, today, while I was in the shower. In the next room. We were alone in the house and he still chose porn. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/2/2016 12:53 - United Kingdom - Mitcham

Today, my wife got fired for leaving work early once again. She's been doing random "spot checks" for the past month, convinced that she'll catch me cheating on her. This paranoid crap is exactly why I'm filing for divorce. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2015 01:23 - United States

Today, at Walmart, a lady came up to me and informed me that I "look like the kinda skank that'd give it up on the first date". FML

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Top comments

By Tripartita | 44

#6615788 - Friday 27 May 2016 2:27

Paranoid delusions are no laug—*glances at OP's username* …FML, is this really you? Have you become self-aware? What would you like me to do first, FML?

By JuniorBustillos | 9

#6615766 - Friday 27 May 2016 2:11

She must of thought you were using morse code

Comments

By Benpie | 22

#6615762 - Friday 27 May 2016 2:09

Talk to the teacher, or if that fails, the dean.

By JuniorBustillos | 9

#6615766 - Friday 27 May 2016 2:11

She must of thought you were using morse code

ShadowWyvern666 | 16

#6615832 - Friday 27 May 2016 3:42

Somebody at my school actually did get caught using morse code with a friend to cheat, so it's not completely unreasonable to think that it could happen.

MasterTron | 24

#6615860 - Friday 27 May 2016 4:31

Reminds me of the sound ninja from naruto who copied someone's answers to a test just from just the frequency of the tapping of the pencil

riyaap13 | 17

#6616645 - Saturday 28 May 2016 8:20

** must've :)

By OysterPearls | 33

#6615768 - Friday 27 May 2016 2:12

These damned kids and their Morse code...

Tripartita | 44

#6615786 - Friday 27 May 2016 2:24

And their staplers, grain elevators, and gosh-darned vulcanised rubber pneumatic tires! Why won't why just stay off my lawn?!

By Welshite | 39

#6615771 - Friday 27 May 2016 2:15

Pfft. Back in my day we used coughs and sneezes. The truly advanced cheaters communicated by blinking.

warrior2 | 20

#6615842 - Friday 27 May 2016 3:57

I can communicate to my best friend by eyebrows

FitFriday | 32

#6623411 - Wednesday 8 June 2016 9:24

That's impressive

By Danne696 | 14

#6615777 - Friday 27 May 2016 2:19

Did she also fail the person she thought you were communicating with? Did she just assume you were communicating in general, not to a specific person, with your taps?

By dragoongirl90 | 34

#6615783 - Friday 27 May 2016 2:22

Go to the principal. That's fucked.

By Tripartita | 44

#6615788 - Friday 27 May 2016 2:27

Paranoid delusions are no laug—*glances at OP's username* …FML, is this really you? Have you become self-aware? What would you like me to do first, FML?

mds9986 | 24

#6615985 - Friday 27 May 2016 8:35

Obviously it wants you to read more fml's. The more you read, the more of your soul it consumes so it can be truly self aware.

By ifuckuprandomly | 28

#6615789 - Friday 27 May 2016 2:28

Kick the teacher in the eye socket whilst screaming "Anarchy to the beholder" and run.

d_dogg93 | 4

#6615868 - Friday 27 May 2016 4:44

What is that supposed to mean exactly? "Anarchy to the beholder"?

By TheLawIsHere | 23

#6615797 - Friday 27 May 2016 2:37

YDI. People making noise tapped their pens is annoying and distracting as hell

chinaski7628 | 32

#6615862 - Friday 27 May 2016 4:32

While it's true that that can be annoying and distracting, a simple "please stop" should suffice. An accusation of cheating and a failing grade is extreme.