Today, my girlfriend named my penis "little baby carrot." FML

Knackered

Today, when I got home from work exhausted and literally ready to fall over, my mom had me carry several heavy bags of dog food for her. Yesterday, it was coals; before that it was horse feed and gas bottles. Before that, I'd just asked her to keep the hard, physical work to the weekends. FML

Big Mac

Today, my girlfriend accused me of being a feeder, saying that's why she's been putting on so much weight. When I said it might be because she eats at McDonald's everyday, and that I was willing to start cooking low-calorie foods for us, she hit me. Then she went to McDonald's. FML

TMI

Today, while discussing my vegetable garden, my father's new girlfriend announced that she loves vegetables in the bedroom. FML

Today, my mum was saying she needs to gain weight because she was underweight according to her doctor. She then said she's going to eat like me in order to gain more weight. FML

Today, my mom cooked her dog some potatoes, carrots, beef, rice and peas. She cooks better food for her dog than she will for our family. FML

Today, to keep me from "getting fatter", my roommate raided the kitchen. She ate everything from cookies and ice cream to deli meat. The only thing left in the house are vegetables. FML

Today, I asked my mom if she could include mashed potatoes and gravy with dinner. She then went on to yell at me about my "unhealthy eating habits" and how I've "gained a lot of weight in the past few months". I'm pregnant. FML

This has gone too far

Today, while my mom was out, my family agreed upon the assumption that she has a "shopping problem." I argued against it for quite a while, until she pulled up minutes later with a what seemed like a life-time supply of canned condensed milk. FML

Meat

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house. I've been a vegetarian for 4 years, and his mother made lasagna with meat in it. After telling her I don't eat meat, my boyfriend's father says, "We know whose meat she does eat." My boyfriend, his mother, and I were standing right there. FML