Health: Today, because I have a beach party tomorrow, I used a new gel...

By moncheri1314 - France

Today, because I have a beach party tomorrow, I used a new gel that is supposed to prevent razor burn after shaving the bikini line. Turns out I'm highly allergic to the gel. Now I have hundreds of beautiful red bumps that look like razor burn. FML

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Health

Triage

Blender time!

Father material

By brokeasajoke - United States

Today, I let my dad borrow my car. I found out a few hours later that he has had a suspended license for three years. How did I find out? He got pulled over and arrested. My car was also impounded. I'm a college student barely making it as it is. Guess who can't afford the impound fees? FML

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By birdhater - Australia

Today, the bird that has been stuck in my roof for two days, keeping me awake at night, finally flew out of the roof and into the house. As I was opening the door to send it outside, it flew straight back up into the roof. FML

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By MoneyMoneyMoneyMonayMONAY - United States

Today, I found a $10 bill on the ground. I got so excited and felt like I was the richest person alive. That was, until the wind blew it out of my hand, never to be seen again. FML

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By me - United States - Richmond

Today, I realized the only "person" I have talked to in the last two days is Siri. FML

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By civicman - Canada

Today, I was cuddling on the couch with my girlfriend when I started to tickle her, she asked me to stop but I continued. She had a reaction, and kneed me in the happy sacks. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend and I tried to have sex in the shower. While trying to support her weight, as we got into things, I slipped backwards on the wet floor and fell through the Pyrex side of the shower, with her crashing down on me. I now have bits of Pyrex in my back and have to replace the shower side. FML

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By cantgetup - Canada

Today, I discovered that my girlfriend can only orgasm when we have sex to gospel music. FML

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By Eric - United States

Today, I ordered Chinese food. As I approached the restaurant to pick it up, I took out my keys and tried to unlock the front door. By the time I realized my mistake, everyone inside the restaurant had noticed and started laughing at me. FML

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By regret - Australia - Warrnambool

My regret

Today, my little sister put me in charge of keeping her fighting fish alive. It would've been an easy task if it weren't for my crazy ex-boyfriend drunkenly forcing his way into my house, vomiting into the fishbowl and killing the fish. Only ten more hours until my family gets home. FML

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By Bellucy27 - United States

Today, I went to the new Walmart to buy a space heater. After dodging cones in the parking lot, and trying to open several doors while employees looked on, I checked the sign, which said "24 hours." I then realized is stated that the grand opening is tomorrow. I'm now sitting in my apartment shivering. FML

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By not-that-fat - United States

Today, I was in the car with my boyfriend when I said "I wish all the weight I gained just went to my boobs." His reply was, "They'd be HUGE." FML

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By I hate children - United Kingdom - Liverpool

Today, two children decided it would be fun to try to ding-dong-ditch me. I never answered the door as I saw them running away. They did it a couple of times before getting bored. That's when they decided it would be fun to come into my house instead. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Silverdale

Today, I tore my ACL while doing physical therapy that's supposed to keep me from tearing my ACL. FML

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By Ben - United States

Today, I was talking this pretty religious girl that I like. We were playing a game and I asked her if she could go back in history and meet anyone who would it be. She said Jesus. Without thinking I said "I mean someone that was real." FML

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By AussieG75 - United States - Saint Augustine

Today, I heard screaming coming from my neighbor's house. Since her husband has a history of abusing her, I called the cops. After they left with him in custody, she called to yell at me because they were "working things out" after "having a few drinks". FML

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By stdpositivenow - United States

Today, for our 3rd anniversary, I gave my boyfriend a watch, courtesy of Rolex. He gave me herpes, courtesy of his other girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to snack on some MandM's. I saw my dog sniffing something and realized one of my MandM's had fallen on the floor. To prevent my dog from eating the chocolate, I hurriedly snatched the MandM off the ground and ate it. When I bit down, I realized it wasn't an MandM. It was a dead beetle. FML

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By steve-o - United States

Today, while spooning my spouse, I was awakened in the wee hours by a huge, junk-rattling fart. This has happened numerous times since she became a vegetarian. FML

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By LynnJ - Canada

Today, I walked past a group of men at the mall and one of them mooed at me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Westborough

Today, I was jerking off quietly so my roommates wouldn't hear me. In the middle of it, one of them sent me a screenshot of an error message on a porn site, asking if I was having the same problem. I guess I wasn't being so quiet after all. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of my roommate's alarm clock going off at 6:00 in the morning. His bedroom door was locked, and he was passed out in his bed from drinking too much. It rang continuously for five and a half hours before it finally ran out of batteries. FML

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By Noname - Canada

Today, my mother was vacuuming my room and found a towel under my bed. She asked "why does it smell so bad?" I replied "sweat". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

Today, I told my boss I need a scrub brush to properly clean the stairs at my workplace. She gave me an old toothbrush. FML

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By Anonymous

"shortcomings"

Today, my girlfriend and I lost our virginity to each other, or so I thought. I heard her on the phone with her sister saying that I’m definitely the smallest dick she’s ever had, but the size of my bank account encourages her to overlook my shortcomings. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my grandma and I were watching the Ranger's playoff game. As Henrik Lundqvist received a standing ovation from the crowd after blocking 38 shots, she says to me, "Check out his equipment!" My 80-year old grandma just commented on Henrik Lundqvist's package. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my dad came to pick me up. It would have been nicer if he'd had his clothes on. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend came home drunk from town, busted the toilet door open crying, and proposed to me with a ring and all. I was literally mid-shit. FML

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By Pandistoteles - United States

Today, I took my 5-year-old daughter to the play place at McDonalds but I had to keep her busy, instead of letting her play. A mom was teaching her 3-year-old daughter how to pole dance, using the play place's poles. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chesapeake

Today, I was so proud of a clever analogy I'd written to a friend in a text, that I “dropped the mic” afterward. I realized what I'd done a split second before the phone hit the ground and shattered into a million pieces. FML

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By changeddaily - Australia

Today, I was telling my friend how lonely I am on Skype. He responded by deleting me as a friend. FML

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By Too Late - United States - Sheboygan

Hard test

Today, I went in to take my College Placement tests. I'd spent all week ignoring actual homework to study for these tests. When I got there, the responsible told me that the tests were last week. FML

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By ILOVELEDZEPPELIN - United States - Wakefield

Today, I called my mother crying, telling her how my husband has apparently been cheating on me for months. To my surprise, she didn't interrupt me or cut me off the whole time. Only when she didn't respond, did I realize she'd hung up a half an hour ago. FML

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By toosmall - United States

Today, at the urinal a guy came up next to me to do his business. He stared over at me, looked down, laughed and then left. FML

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By smalls727

Today, I was at orientation for my new job. There were only 6 other people in the training. Throughout the whole entire training, I kept smelling cat urine and moving further away from the other person. Only to get in my car and realize my cat peed in my purse. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, I messaged my sister on Facebook chat. We always start our conversations with "HEY SLUT" or "HEY WHORE" etc. It wasn't my sister. However, her boyfriend's mom has a great first impression of me. FML

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By JG - United States - Melbourne

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to announce to the class that I finally got a girlfriend. I received a standing ovation. FML

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By Lance - United States

Today, my headphones were broken, so I fixed them with super glue. Without thinking, I stuck them in my ear and listened to some music. When it came time to take them out, I couldn't. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was going home with the tomato plant I just bought in my cup holder. The smell of it was filling the car and I love the smell so I picked it up and took a wiff. A few moments later I got pulled over. Apparantly, the cop saw me sniff it and thought I was smelling a marijuana plant. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Imperial

Today, I was at a party, and someone called the cops on us. I dove into a bush that turned out to have thorns. I got multiple cuts and a sprained wrist, and got arrested anyway. Its kind of hard to hide from the police when you're screaming in agony. FML

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By Darth Vomitus - United States - Mequon

Today, I went to an amusement park with a group of friends, one of whom was a girl I really like. When we got on the roller coaster, I was ecstatic that she wanted to sit next to me. Not even half-way through, I ended up puking all over the both of us. FML

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Top comments

By ANTLink19 | 4

#1384674 - Friday 10 September 2010 23:44

well... tell them it herpes... then no one will think it's razor burn.

By SoundnVasion | 0

#1384588 - Friday 10 September 2010 23:23

People are gonna think its herpes more than anything.

COMMENTS

By SoundnVasion | 0

#1384588 - Friday 10 September 2010 23:23

People are gonna think its herpes more than anything.

karlita22 | 0

#1384595 - Friday 10 September 2010 23:25

hahahaha fyl

iSitt | 0

#1384698 - Friday 10 September 2010 23:53

at least they don't resemble a herpes rash

SoundnVasion | 0

#1384775 - Saturday 11 September 2010 0:08

Whenever most people see any types of bumps anywhere they just say its herpes because most never really see one in person. People also like to talk a lot of crap.

MarkSeattle | 0

#1384788 - Saturday 11 September 2010 0:10

lol. I'm betting on not using a new razor and they are razor bumps.

morgan320 | 0

#1386523 - Saturday 11 September 2010 8:34

OP you said they were beutiful...

airpoft | 0

#1387171 - Saturday 11 September 2010 11:52

delicious, delicious irony

marlaineeeee | 0

#1387720 - Saturday 11 September 2010 16:19

that's horrible OP. at least they make shorts to swim in to save you from too much embarrassment.

bsgirls | 0

#2113560 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 3:37

dumbass it's called sarcasm

shaubygal | 11

#2527589 - Wednesday 18 May 2011 7:04

it's this amazing thing called get in the shower and let the pores on your crotch open up and THEN shave and looky here no razor bumps/herpes-like bumps

By Galex7471 | 4

#1384605 - Friday 10 September 2010 23:27

I have the exact same reaction to any and all shaving gels. It's always fun trying to shave just after you've broken out in hives.

flighted | 1

#2500200 - Friday 13 May 2011 2:53

Boyshorts:)

By bart100125 | 0

#1384607 - Friday 10 September 2010 23:27

oh that sucks:O FYL OP :)

By iwadasn | 32

#1384633 - Friday 10 September 2010 23:34

YDI it for trying a new product the day before a party. You should always test it out first, and then test only a small area to make sure you don't react to it.