Today, my mom walked in on me masturbating. I minimized the porn... - FML

By theassman - 11/3/2009 04:42 - United States

Today, my mom walked in on me masturbating. I minimized the porn on my laptop so she wouldn't see I was watching it. It turns out I was watching an old Beatles concert before I started masturbating. My mom thought I was masturbating to the Beatles. FML

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The best cat

DINOSAURS!!

Great boyfriend

By notattractiveatall - 15/10/2012 22:09 - Australia - Newcastle

Today, two girls came up to me on the street and asked if they could take a photo with me for their high school scavenger hunt, because they needed a picture with a stranger. One of the girls shook her head and said to the other, "It needs to be an attractive stranger" and walked away. FML

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By TallGal - 14/9/2012 08:26 - United States - Tucson

Today, I had a date with a guy from the Internet. I'm 6ft1, which tends to put potential dates off, so I'd slyly knocked a few inches off my description. Turns out he'd done the same. He'd added a whole foot to his height. I had to crouch to talk to him. FML

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By loneliness - 30/12/2011 05:48 - United States

Today, I realized I want school to start again so that I won't be sitting alone in my room all day anymore. FML

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By fuckadaisical - 6/12/2013 20:23 - United Kingdom - Pontypridd

Today, my boyfriend's idea of foreplay was to offer to make lunch, leave the room for a few minutes, then come back with no clothes on and offer me a "cockmeat sandwich". FML

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By Jessica - 27/12/2011 04:11 - United States

Today, I found out that my best friend won $1,000 in a photography contest. With a photo I took. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2010 13:16 - Malaysia

Today, someone switched my hairspray with bug spray when I didn't notice. I used it. FML

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By Insane Guy - 21/12/2012 06:47 - United States

Today, at work, I jumped under my desk in fear of a nuclear missile attack when the firestation next us let out its new awareness siren. I think I'm going insane. FML

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By - 12/11/2008 08:10 - France

Today, I dropped my keys in the sewer. The spare ones are inside my locked car. FML

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By wreckdit - 12/10/2016 23:55 - United States

Today, I discovered that my roommate is a drug dealer and has been keeping her product in our flat. I discovered this when several police officers broke down my bathroom door and arrested me while I was in the shower. FML

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By nutfreak - 12/8/2013 15:24 - United States - Lutherville Timonium

Today, I was diagnosed with severe nut allergies. My dad decided to buy jars of Nutella, write "You know you want this" on them, and stick them around the house. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/2/2010 08:47 - United States

Today, my brother's home for his annual visit, lectures my parents once about their eating habits. They promptly throw away all of their junk food. I'm there every Sunday, and have been telling them to eat healthier for medical reasons. They never listen. He's in sales, and I'm in med school. FML

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By mrricecakes - 23/3/2012 05:55 - United States - Gilbert

Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. Let's just say pubes and toilet paper residue were the least of my problems. FML

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By Alex White - 2/5/2016 16:50 - Canada - Westerose

Today, my husband was using the microwave when we suddenly hear a huge 'POP'. The good news is we found our daughter's missing hamster. FML

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By mackenzie_cain - 14/1/2010 05:33 - United States

Today, my boyfriend went to jail for a DUI. In a panic, I rushed to go bail him out. On the way to the jail I was stopped for running a red light. I soon joined my boyfriend in jail with my very own DUI charge. FML

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By IcedTaco - 13/7/2016 19:40 - Ukraine

Today, the guy I was dating told me he thought I was a good person. His reasoning? I'm not ugly enough to be a bad person, but I'm not pretty enough, either. FML

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By wolfpacking - 2/2/2010 05:51 - France

Today, I was in the car with my friends. A techno song came on and we started fist pumping. We hit a bump, I fist pumped myself in the face, and crashed into a stop sign. FML

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By bobby - 12/6/2010 22:13 - United States

Today, I went to lick the excess peanut butter off the knife after making a PB and J. Turns out the knife can and will cut your tongue, even though you don't think it will. FML

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By badhairday - 26/12/2011 01:38 - United States

Today, after months of her begging me, I let my girlfriend cut my hair for the first time. It turned out so badly that we are now "taking a break until it looks normal again." FML

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By kneesarethenewdesk - 19/8/2009 22:38 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend jumped, naked, onto my computer desk, with the intention of having sex on it. A new, £250 computer desk, broken beyond repair. And we didn't even have sex. FML

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By plaid_is_cool - 5/5/2020 05:00

Open-minded

Today, my mom called me and asked me to fix her computer, three days after saying she never wanted to see me again for dating a boy. I got lectured to on how I'm ruining my life the whole time. FML

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By I'mSoHungry - 11/1/2020 08:00 - New Zealand - Auckland

I am very hungry

Today, a bird flew into the workshop where I work, gave itself a tour of the place, then promptly pooped on my lunch and left. FML

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By diapersplease - 7/6/2015 01:17 - United States - Buffalo

Today, I found out my husband potty trained my stubborn three year old son who prefers diapers. He managed this by peeing with him and "sword-fighting" with their urine streams. I now have to clean pee off the ground every time he urinates. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2011 17:47 - United States

Today, my mom was feeling down because of her gray hairs. In an attempt to cheer her up, I suggested that she dye them. Her hair turned orange. FML

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By vsf - 2/8/2011 00:31 - United States

Today, my parents wouldn't let me go to the fair because they reckon my IQ is so low, I could quite possibly choke on cotton candy and pass out confused by the hall of mirrors. FML

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By sweetnan - 28/8/2013 01:29 - Chile - Santiago

Today, I finally accepted my grandma's friend request on Facebook. I commented on a family photo album she'd uploaded, joking that the quality would greatly improve once she added pictures of me. My comment was met with, "Shut up you sewage rat". FML

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By Mash-brakketz - 25/10/2017 22:26

Goodbye, 7 years of sobriety...

Today a gasoline canister leaked in our work garage and filled my office with fumes. It got me high and nauseous even though I went out for air constantly. I had a meltdown and was sent home. I'm still high. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2019 14:00

Hangover

Today, I got really sick after drinking a lot of alcohol and started throwing up. Every time I threw up into the toilet, the water would splash back up into my face. FML

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By thatwas10yearsago - 28/9/2012 02:41 - United States - Reston

Today, I found out why the girl I like won't give me the time of day. Apparently, I called her ugly and pushed her into a puddle when we were in kindergarten. FML

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By M. Night Shytefuck - 20/1/2015 22:52 - United States - Plattsmouth

Today, I handed my boss my 2 weeks' notice. 20 minutes later, I was doing my work alone in the very cold basement of the building. My boss claimed it was a routine relocation planned months in advance. It's going to be a long 2 weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2013 17:13 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I realized the only reason I was invited to go on vacation with my extended family was so I could babysit everyone's children while the adults go out and have fun. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2019 22:00

Today, I got to a patient having a seizure and was approached by a bystander who said to me, "I have pharmaceutical grade essential oils, and they recommend Frankincense for seizures." Thank you? FML

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By Zitty - 12/7/2009 18:18 - United States

Today, I went on a movie date. During the movie, I picked a small zit on my forehead. Afterwards, at dinner, he couldn't seem to keep his eyes off of my face. I thought he was staring lovingly at me. He was actually staring at a large throbbing zit with a trail of blood coming from it. FML

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By SkipBeatOtaku - 16/5/2020 20:00

A load of hot air

Today, I was having hot sex with my boyfriend. Then, I felt a puff of air hit my face and a rancid smell. My dog had farted in my face. FML

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By WTF, guys? - 26/8/2014 16:22 - United States - San Francisco

Today, it's my fourth day of my trip to the USA. I've actually started keeping count of the number of times people get confused because I was born in South Africa and yet am not black. Current count: 9. FML

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By coloris - 3/8/2019 00:01

Today, I came home on crutches. My dog was immediately afraid of them, and came running towards me, growling and barking. She ran right into me, knocking me over. FML

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By shatfjord - 10/10/2014 22:34 - United States - Rochester

Today, I and a coworker got bitched out and suspended by our boss after our computers got infected with a weird porn virus. It soon turned out the virus had come from our boss' infected memory stick. Did he apologize? No. Is our suspension still in force? Yes. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2009 06:47 - United States

Today, I was drinking in the park with my friends. Being drunk, I relieved myself on a nearby tree. Unknown to me, a 4 year old was having her birthday party 100 yards away. I was arrested for public intoxication and exposing myself to a minor. FML

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By messed up - 16/9/2011 21:10 - United States

Today, I finally told my crush that I like her. She said she could never date me, because apparently, "My best friend likes you." Her best friend is my step-sister. FML

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By huskynick - 18/6/2020 05:05

Kinky

Today, it's been two days and my girlfriend still won't talk to me. Why? Because she made out with a mutual friend at a party, and got mad at me for thinking it was hot rather than being jealous. FML

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By Weightlosshereicome - 8/8/2016 10:06 - United States - Oxford

Today, Snapchat thought my double chin was a mouth. FML

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Top comments

By GameRater01 | 0

#26269 - Wednesday 11 March 2009 13:33

I never realized there were so many people in the world without access to rooms with locks as when I started coming to fmylife

By jESuS_lOVeS_mE69 | 0

#26270 - Wednesday 11 March 2009 13:35

So is it safe to assume i'm the only one who masterbates to old Beatles concerts?

Comments

By Silhouette_fml | 0

#26263 - Wednesday 11 March 2009 13:27

That's... kind of creepy...

Reply

colts609380 | 7

#1040807 - Thursday 24 June 2010 5:39

lol it is. and disturbing too

By GameRater01 | 0

#26269 - Wednesday 11 March 2009 13:33

I never realized there were so many people in the world without access to rooms with locks as when I started coming to fmylife

Reply

daniisme | 0

#978315 - Monday 12 April 2010 2:54

i'm not allowed locks on my door. My mum and dad get scared that if I'm injured, they can't help me. Sucks.

By jESuS_lOVeS_mE69 | 0

#26270 - Wednesday 11 March 2009 13:35

So is it safe to assume i'm the only one who masterbates to old Beatles concerts?

Reply

matt5217 | 4

#1168334 - Saturday 31 July 2010 22:42

yes

Reply

Person000 | 0

#2415029 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 8:14

whaaaa ??? nooo I have a circle jerk to old beetles considered every other Tuesday, anyone is welcome

By 0ops_fml | 0

#26299 - Wednesday 11 March 2009 14:33

Isn't it good, norwegian wood?

Reply

MichelleMaBelle_fml | 16

#6433723 - Monday 12 October 2015 18:25

Oh my gosh dude

By Tarion | 0

#26302 - Wednesday 11 March 2009 14:35

#3 - I'm sure you're not

#0 - At least you can reassure her that you have good musical taste, right?

By Tehalon | 0

#26315 - Wednesday 11 March 2009 14:50

Dont worry, im sure she used to do the same ;D

By Flying_Pink_Lulz | 0

#26320 - Wednesday 11 March 2009 14:58

hahahahahhhaha OMG that is just friggin hilarious xD

By mf_fml | 0

#26326 - Wednesday 11 March 2009 15:06

hahaha, oh god.

By Clover2009 | 0

#26338 - Wednesday 11 March 2009 15:24

Whatever floats your boat!

Reply

43trauts | 14

#4368016 - Sunday 29 April 2012 5:58

or submarine...

Reply

Brandonisamazing | 5

#4426268 - Saturday 12 May 2012 22:31

win^^

By Stephie_fml | 0

#26343 - Wednesday 11 March 2009 15:28

Seriously, what the hell is it about parents who don't KNOCK?? Do you WANT to walk in on that shit?