Intimacy: Today, despite being 21 years old and living in my own place,... - FML

By ikungfuyou - 27/12/2011 07:11 - United States

Spicy

Today, despite being 21 years old and living in my own place, my mom still managed to walk in on me whacking off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 604

You deserved it 10 208

Dementia or hate? You decide

It's complicated

Drumroll please

By canadiankc - 04/06/2009 02:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at the waterpark. I decided to go down a slide shaped like a funnel. On the way down, my bikini bottom untied. Then I got lodged in a V shape, arse first, in the hole at the funnel exit, exposing myself to the entire pool until I could slither out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 317

You deserved it 8 516

By Anonymous - 09/12/2010 02:21 - United States

Today, I was Rizzo in a production of Grease. I sang a line about needing a ring. I've been able to put up my left ring finger for every rehearsal, but today I put up the one next to it. I flipped off the audience. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 531

You deserved it 24 180

Kids are hard work

By Gemma - 07/02/2021 01:01 - United Kingdom

Today, I realised my boyfriend is only nice to my son to make me happy. Turns out he hates children and will only do the minimum interaction with my 4-year-old son he can get away with, until he can fabricate an excuse to leave the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 817

You deserved it 374

By Scott - 15/09/2011 07:34 - United States

Today, I caught my pregnant wife trying to suck milk from her breasts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 216

You deserved it 6 382

By Guess - 21/11/2009 19:10 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend of nine months that depression runs in my family and I think the reason I've been flipping shit so much lately may be that I am depressed. Not five minutes later he decided a break would be "the best thing for us right now." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 283

You deserved it 9 015

By queenbee12345678 - 19/02/2012 19:29 - United States

Today, I accidentally left my cell phone at the restaurant. When I realized my mistake, I went back to see if anyone had found it. They said no, so I gave them my number to call if it turned up. I realized later that I'd given them my cell phone number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 907

You deserved it 26 311

By OG Pinecone - 23/07/2019 20:11 - United States - Englewood

Today, I was hanging with friends up at my best friend's cabin. We were in his hot tub cracking jokes when he told one that sent me into a fit of hysterics. He tried to shut me up by splashing water on me. It worked, because when I jerked my head to the side, I dislocated a rib. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 582

You deserved it 194

By FUSheldon - 28/11/2012 05:15 - United States - Millstadt

Today, my boyfriend started watching The Big Bang Theory on DVD. Now he won't stop saying "Bazinga" every time he says or hears something that sounds funny. It's so annoying I want to feed him to the neighbor's dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 811

You deserved it 4 883

By Anonymous - 31/08/2018 14:30

Today, after my live-in boyfriend decided to take a few days away due to a fight, I found out he's been staying with and sleeping with my aunt. I just lost a relative and a man all in one shot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 222

You deserved it 232

By socreepedouticanteven - 27/10/2014 00:05 - United States - Procious

Today, there was a laundry basket of my clothes sitting in my room. My dad asked me if they were clean or not. When I said I didn't know, he picked up a piece of my clothing, sniffed it, and said it smelled fine. That piece of clothing just so happened to be my underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 450

You deserved it 6 136

By Anonymous - 31/08/2019 18:01

Today, I got a haircut. During dinner, my grandmother complained about it, and said I looked terrible. I've had the exact same haircut for years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 394

You deserved it 119

Alexa, play "Tailights Fade" by Buffalo Tom

By Anonymous - 28/11/2021 13:59 - United States - Fredonia

Today, I got pulled over for a broken taillight. When I rolled down the window, the cop asked me if I was smoking crack. When I told him I didn't do drugs, he didn't believe me since he could detect a foul odor coming from my car. I'd just passed gas big time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 111

You deserved it 144

By Pisspants - 17/09/2016 04:39 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was at work and I needed to pee. In my haste, I forgot to lock the door. A coworker walked in on me and I bolted up mid-stream to slam the door back shut. I had pee down my leg and pee squishing in my shoes for the rest of the day. I can still remember his tone of voice, yelling, "Sorry"! FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 083

You deserved it 2 800

Emergency room time

By maya - 09/03/2021 20:01

Today, I was called a "wimp" and a "pussy" for crying and screaming after lightly bumping my hand on a wall. It’s been five hours and it still feels as though my skin is being ripped off the bones in my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 626

You deserved it 326

Karaoke Dinner Disaster

By Jonathan Park - 05/03/2020 09:06 - Canada - Richmond Hill

Today, I went on a first date. She got plastered within the first hour, then a song came on in the restaurant and she told me, "This song's about meeeeee." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 364

You deserved it 147

By Anonymous - 27/03/2013 16:54 - United States

Spicy

Today, I almost lost my virginity at the age of 34. After years of putting off sex and waiting for marriage, the moment arrived. My new wife could't stop laughing at how small I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75 942

You deserved it 11 699

By youlyingjerk - 01/02/2010 02:12 - United States

Today, I slipped on my icy front porch, fell back and hit my head on the step. I tried to get up, but lost my balance and fell halfway into the bush next to the steps. I then looked up to see my very hot, British, Ex-Special Forces next door neighbor laughing so hard he dropped his snow shovel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 495

You deserved it 3 469

Don't hate the player…

By He who is free of sin casts the first stone. - 16/06/2021 14:01

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend confessed to me that she'd cheated on me with my best friend. I can't get mad at her, because I cheated on her with him before she did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 224

You deserved it 1 722

By pianoblues - 17/10/2016 20:22 - Canada - Thunder Bay

Today, I did a piano audition for a musical. Afterwards, the judge asked if I have experience with percussion, and then told me she was considering me for a percussion part. I guess my piano audition really was THAT bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 005

You deserved it 1 054

By Bawsack - 06/04/2017 00:00

Today, I dyed my hair. It was all going well, until I forgot I had a head full of product and scratched an itch. I didn't realise my mistake until later, and now have to replace my six-month old sofa because it has a huge stain that alternates from purple to bleach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 338

You deserved it 3 039

By farhia97 - 08/11/2011 02:14 - United States

Today, I learned how much it hurts to put a mint up your nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 216

You deserved it 54 726

By Dalistair - 23/05/2013 23:25 - United States - High Point

Today, my aunt drove to my house and screamed at me for skateboarding in her driveway and denting her car. She then ransacked my room for said skateboard so she could break it in half. My aunt lives 4 hours away. I don't own a skateboard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 638

You deserved it 2 791

With friends like these…

By marz88 - 24/10/2009 18:27 - United States

Today, a friend of mine got a bit drunk, but said she was fine and didn't feel drunk at all. I took her keys anyway and said she could sleep on my bed, while I slept on the floor next to the bed. I was rudely woken up in the middle of the night to her rolling over and vomiting on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 480

You deserved it 7 084

By roomatewoes - 01/04/2013 00:45 - United States - Northfield

Today, I came back to my dorm to find my roommate forgot to get rid of her massive amounts of cheese before break. She did, however, remember to unplug the refrigerator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 628

You deserved it 2 100

By Anonymous - 28/02/2017 22:00

Spicy

Today, as I was at Starbucks writing a paper, a man came and sat next to me. He started staring at me, then I noticed his hands were down his pants. It was noticeable that he was masturbating, so I went to tell a worker. They just said, "He's a regular" and didn't do anything about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 642

You deserved it 686

Hott

By hotheadslav - 21/06/2015 01:59 - United States - Warsaw

Today, I was on a date with a girl and everything was going great. As I took her back to her house and walked her to her door I leaned in for a kiss. She seemed to really enjoy it so I went for another but as I leaned in again, I sneezed uncontrollably shooting her face with saliva and snot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 843

You deserved it 4 469

By Watsausrname - 14/06/2016 02:31

Today, I was using the restroom at a gas station when someone hurriedly knocked on the door. Thinking that it was my sister, I playfully said, "Hold up, hoe!" I opened the door to see a goth woman with an edgy haircut giving me a death stare. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 773

You deserved it 5 957

By Anonymous - 14/10/2012 17:03 - Estonia

Today, after weeks of coming home to find my furniture all tipped over, thinking the place was haunted, and accepting my boyfriend's offers to come over and "comfort" me, I came home from work early. I found my boyfriend in the kitchen, kicking over all the chairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 693

You deserved it 8 638

By maybenot - 06/08/2012 23:25 - United Kingdom

Today, whilst on a cycling holiday, in a somewhat hungover state, I accidentally chained my bike to the back of someone else's caravan. As I walked away, I heard a loud scraping noise. I turned around and watched my bike get dragged down a long gravel road and through a pile of horse shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 805

You deserved it 29 826

This Charming Man

By Anonymous - 01/03/2020 18:00

Today, I met my girlfriend's dad. It didn't go well since unfortunately he’s the guy I had to remove from the club I’m the bouncer at, and had to report to the police for getting drunk, stroking himself over his pants and taking photos in the ladies toilets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 854

You deserved it 98

Nutritious

By Anonymous - 19/07/2020 17:01

Today, I caught my dog “cleaning” the cat’s litter box. He won’t be giving me any kisses anytime soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 162

You deserved it 258

By mental - 25/10/2012 23:09 - United States

Today, after therapy for obsessing over every woman who talks to me, all I could think about was how I could seduce my therapist. I think I still need a lot of help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 559

You deserved it 6 035

By punaise ... - 05/12/2014 02:12 - France - Marchaux

Today, to avoid walking on a thumbtack that had fallen on the floor, my little sister took a red sharpie to the carpet and drew a circle around it, "so that way, everyone will see it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 702

You deserved it 3 061

By Sandman2015 - 29/01/2016 18:36 - United States - American Fork

Today, I walked in on one of my co-workers jerking off in the bathroom, complete with heavy breathing and victory groans. I don't want to go to HR, but I can't even look at him anymore. We have to work on a project together next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 952

You deserved it 1 884

By Stupid Pregnancy Brain - 18/11/2016 13:45

Today, I'm 8 weeks pregnant and suffering from severe pregnancy brain. I was making my husband's lunch to take to work. I realised shortly after he left that I'd used dish soap instead of BBQ sauce for his sandwich. He has to turn his phone off for work, so I have no way to warn him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 992

You deserved it 1 746

By Failed Parent - 11/10/2012 06:59 - United States

Today, as I was about to leave for work, my 16-year-old son stumbled home in nothing but his underwear and pink cowboy boots. He threw his hands in the air, yelled, "BOTTLE SIP BOTTLE GUZZLE," promptly threw up and passed out in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 851

You deserved it 4 618

By Fatty - 06/05/2009 15:04 - United States

Today, I was excited about my friend going wedding dress shopping. Before I went to go work out, I decided to try on a prom dress from high school to remember what it felt like to get dressed up. It was too tight, I broke the zipper, and spent 45 minutes trapped before I cut myself out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 540

You deserved it 41 476

I heard that

By Anonymous - 25/04/2011 09:20 - Ireland

Today, I organised a romantic day trip for me and my boyfriend to some tropical gardens. I packed lunch and paid for the tickets. He decided to bring a friend, who doesn't speak English. The only thing that he said that I understood was that, "Your girlfriend eats a lot." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 198

You deserved it 4 482

By a - 21/05/2009 19:18 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I got a call saying that my son was chasing all the girls in the class with his "Sword of Death", otherwise known as my dildo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 95 873

You deserved it 49 552

By numbtongue - 13/03/2015 04:19 - New Zealand - Dunedin

Today, as I was trying to remove my lunch from the hot oven tray, my finger brushed against the metal for a moment, and I instinctively put it in my mouth. I burnt my tongue, on my finger. I didn't realize that was possible. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 824

You deserved it 4 443

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 11:51

The way to flip the awkwardness, stare right at her and go faster. She'll learn to knock.

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 11:44

Awkward... But at least it's your own place so you do have a right to privacy.

Comments

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 11:44

Awkward... But at least it's your own place so you do have a right to privacy.

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 11:49

Learn to lock doors?

xXxIracebethxXx 14

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 12:08

#3 - It's his OWN PLACE. Why would he need to lock doors?

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 12:11

Didn't you read the FML? Shit can still happen. Locks are a good precautionary measure regardless of where/how you live.

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 12:17

who doesn't lock doors? I mean really do you not lock your front door?

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 12:36

I don't lock my doors. But if someone walks in on me, I just stare them in the eye and finish.

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 12:42

Also OPs mom learned to knock next time

Wangan_Warrior 9

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 14:12

20: I suspect she has a key.

StormfrontX33_fml 24

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 15:42

Don't give a set of keys to people you don't want turning up unannounced. What ever happened to common sense?

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 16:02

Agree with 38, she probably has the keys, but she shouldn't come unnanounced...

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 16:42

Sounds like Jim from American Pie :P

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 17:10

Yea why would he lock his doors!? He likes Canada style

Dracoboxer357 35

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 17:19

Lmao!

imaginaryvoice 18

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 17:26

Deer in headlights?

urdirtyolduncle 15

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 18:51

60- don't make fun of Canadiens. there's lots of them here.

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 20:34

am I the only one who this has never happened to?

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 21:58

81 - Canadians can't spell

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 1:16

51, Plenty of people give their neighbours or family keys on the off chance that there is an emergency or they have locked themselves out. Common sense is still around, you just don't know about it because apparently you lack it.

ChronicBluntz420 7

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 11:48

Try locking your doors next time. Be happy it was your mom and not an armed felon.

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 12:14

I bet if it was an armed felon the OP would have just shoot him in the face.

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 12:21

Shot*

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 14:42

No FYLDeep, you got it right the first time.

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 15:05

Yea it is shoot :p

xXRiah_GirlXx 9

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 15:10

...no it isn't....

thiscrazything 1

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 15:22

Sorry guys, it's past tense. Which means it is shot. Just kind of gross what he would have shot him with.

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 18:25

And - suddenly ZZ Top's "Pearl Necklace" is playing in my head...

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 20:35

FAPMAN to the rescue!

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 1:59

Assuming the front door wasn't locked, it wouldn't make any difference. People don't have the right to enter another persons property unless permitted by the owner. The mother was in the wrong regardless of the situation unless they had organised for her to come by previously, end of story. Locking the door is irrelevant.

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Friday 6 January 2012 19:01

Guys guys, I was being sarcastic because he didn't edit his own post, instead he made a new one like I just did.

IAMYOURPINEAPPLE 9

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 11:49

Have you hear of this great invention. It's called a lock.

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 12:57

Maybe he's claustrofobic while jacking. I am, that's why I whack outside. Behind the bushes near the kindergarden.

IAMYOURPINEAPPLE 9

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 13:02

Maybe the kindergarten should get a lock and keep everyone inside.

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 18:32

31- Are you 14 years old??

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 18:39

Have you Heard of this great invention. It's called a key.

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 21:19

That's not weird at all.... O.o

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:04

They.. Make those??

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 11:50

Huh, thats why you lock doors...

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 21:10

Haha love the gun man!

sinking_fish 12

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 21:27

5- Unless his mom has a key.. Not sure why she would.. But maybe she does! Btw, on a completely random note, thank you for your service!

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Thursday 29 December 2011 0:54

It makes me proud to be an American and in the service when I witness people being patriotic to soldiers.

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 11:50

Your mother should really learn how to knock.

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 11:51

Well served for not doing anything productive with that time. And yeah well, for not locking your door.

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 12:59

Oh I think he produced enough nomsain?

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 21:11

I believe OP didn't want to do anything productive, hence why he was fapping rather than having unprotected sex with a woman.

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 11:51

The way to flip the awkwardness, stare right at her and go faster. She'll learn to knock.

btstig 11

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 12:00

This made me LoL. Thank you kind sir.

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 12:13

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick Jack burnt off his fuckin' dick.

fo_86 0

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 19:32

Hilarious comment!! But any parent that can stand there long enough to have their son stare at them and go faster while catching them masterbate is disturbed!!

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 6:45

LMFAO!!!! Couldn't stop laughing at this visual image!!!!!!!

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 22:47

Lol 86 is fo_86 Am I the only one to notice that O.o

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Monday 30 May 2016 21:43

LMAO... this, so much this.

linkinpark98 23

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 11:52

Lol..why was your mom there in the first place?

btstig 11

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 12:02

That is between him, his mom, and a therapist to be named later.

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 11:52

Same basic principle now as when you were 14: Lock Your Damn Door!!!

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 16:28

It's very likely that his mom has a key to his place, and figures she doesn't need to knock.

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 7:37

In that case he should change the locks

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 12:01

I suggest you learn to lock and your mom learn to knock or your mom will walk in on you jacking your cock.

Nearly

Today I ripped my lovely £50 coat on barbed wire, what I only worn a hand full of times, ended up having to spend £10 to get it repaired, have to wait till Friday to pick it up, it’s only Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 0

You deserved it 0

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56

You deserved it 3

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 182

You deserved it 480

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 578

You deserved it 727