Intimacy: Caught red-handed

Caught red-handed

By caught - 09/01/2012 00:43 - United States

Today, I was bored and started touching myself watching TV. My mother walked into my bedroom with a phone in her hand and yelled, "Stop jacking off and talk to your grandmother." FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 262

You deserved it 36 168

Intimacy

The smell detective is on the case

Dementia or hate? You decide

Empathy lives

Twister

By Anonymous - 04/09/2015 01:30

Today, while making out in my car, the guy I was with decided it'd be a great idea to stick his tongue in my ear. He shoved it in so far that my ear still feels wet four hours later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 315

You deserved it 3 275

By NotAnUglyBaby - 22/03/2016 22:40 - Mexico - C?rdoba

Today, while vacationing, a small boy asked to see the baby I was holding, wrapped in a blanket. I showed him, and his face reflexively scrunched up. The boy's mother came and apologized to me. Her face scrunched up too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 286

You deserved it 1 899

By pubquizgenius - 27/01/2010 08:24 - United Kingdom

Today, I was in a tense tiebreak round to win the local pub quiz. As the quizmaster read out more clues, I got the answer, got up and rushed to be the first team to the bar. I tripped, faceplanted. The whole bar laughed, and then I realized that it wasn't a "fastest to the bar" round. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 829

You deserved it 25 308

By Anonymous - 28/01/2012 21:52 - United States

Today, I changed my relationship status on Facebook from "in a relationship" to "single." I forgot to take my phone to work, and when I got back, I saw someone had replied, "What happened?" Someone else commented, "He broke his hand." My ex and a bunch of other "friends" liked it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 697

You deserved it 4 901

By freed - 29/01/2014 05:13 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, my boyfriend finally succeeded in unhooking my bra with one hand, excitedly exclaiming, "Boobies be free!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 532

You deserved it 12 244

Put your foot down

By K.. - 28/02/2021 14:01 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I moved into our own house. He proceeded to invite his parents to stay for the week. The same parents we've lived with for the past 5 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 290

You deserved it 136

Ross?

By Anonymous - 03/10/2020 22:02 - United States - Klawock

Today, my wife had a dream that I was in the bath with our newborn baby. In the dream, I threw the baby out like a football. She can't get the image out of her head and won't forgive me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 193

You deserved it 63

By Anonymous - 15/03/2010 05:41 - United States

Today, I started hooking up with a guy I've liked for a while. We got pretty into it and he went into my underwear, looking confused. When I asked him what was wrong, his response was: "I can't find it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 536

You deserved it 5 039

By mislead - 22/09/2014 16:43 - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, I found out that the neighborhood call-girl my husband and I secretly joke about is the same woman who secretly pleasures my husband for money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 584

You deserved it 6 135

Subtle differences

By Betterthanthis - 25/11/2015 20:16 - United States - New Berlin

Today, when my boss said, "Don't worry, I know all the requirements," she actually meant, "I know nothing, and will scream at you in rage because you cannot psychically divine all the requirements the day before a major holiday when no one is available to talk to you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 975

You deserved it 1 476

By Mike - 28/02/2019 02:00

Today, my teenage daughter got her driver’s license. Less than an hour later she wrecked my wife’s new minivan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 174

You deserved it 507

Curious...

By 16Charlie5 - 19/05/2018 15:00

Today, I woke to the smell of poop in my apartment. I went to investigate and found out a cat had pooped in my living room. I don’t have a cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 642

You deserved it 261

By Anonymous - 02/04/2017 16:00

Today, I confronted my lousy, loud, messy neighbors about the trash they throw in my yard. They responded by throwing my trash in their yard, then called the police to report me for vandalism and illegal dumping when I returned their trash. Guess who has a court appearance in two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 727

You deserved it 396

By WeddingWoes - 03/11/2012 19:42 - United States - Columbia

Today, I sampled some of the food my fiancée's mom is making for our wedding. Everything tasted terrible, and I almost vomited. Turns out she never actually went to culinary school as she claimed, but had just watched Julie and Julia. It's too late to book another caterer for the wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 584

You deserved it 5 676

By Anonymous - 21/05/2013 07:32 - United States - Sparks

Today, I got a picture message from my aunt that said, "9 out of 10 kids get their awesomeness from their aunt." Normally, I would have agreed, except she forgot my birthday yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 141

You deserved it 3 310

By Bareassed - 29/07/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, I was at a water park with my family. They wanted me to stand underneath this big bucket filled with water. I didn't know it tips over, and my swimsuit isn't the tightest, so when all the water fell down, my swimsuit bottoms fell to my knees in front of tons of kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 558

You deserved it 12 909

By dancer4life - 09/01/2010 03:04 - United States

Today, in ballet class, I was really focusing and actually trying to work hard. I was really getting into the choreography. I was travelling big and leaping long. While going across the floor, again I travelled and leaped... right into the ballet bars and fell over, in front of 35 people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 027

You deserved it 6 100

By Anonymous - 25/11/2015 21:35 - United Kingdom - Stourport

Today, I won a meal for two in a raffle. I had no one to go with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 987

You deserved it 2 130

By justafriend - 28/05/2017 00:00

Today, I went to a bar with a close friend. She got drunk and was feeling sick, so I carried her to my car to take her to her house. Some stranger accused me of drugging her and tackled me with her in my arms. She threw up on me, and he took off running without an apology. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 170

You deserved it 346

By anonymous - 19/02/2015 16:06 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, whilst walking to a primary school to give pupils a lesson on cleanliness, I tripped and landed on a dog turd. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 688

You deserved it 3 247

By Anonymous - 11/06/2016 05:03 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my therapist told me to write down my goals for the next five years. After thinking hard for what seemed like forever, all I could come up with was getting a girlfriend and having an FML published. And to be honest, I'm not even sure about that first one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 374

You deserved it 1 700

By Ahhwtf - 18/08/2009 11:47 - United States

Today, my nose was itchy. As I reached towards it to itch it, I sneezed ridiculously hard. I punched myself in the eye and now it's all purple and puffy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 668

You deserved it 9 780

By Anonymous - 30/11/2009 17:22 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend's 4-year-old son and four of his friends to the amusement park. While walking down a hill, I slipped on some water and slid down the hill, taking out multiple children. It wasn't rain. I'd slid on vomit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 203

You deserved it 3 247

By RyanSmithN - 15/01/2010 05:04 - United States

Today, I used a public bathroom and set my motorcycle helmet on the sink while I used the urinal. The helmet rolled into the sink, under the faucet and set off the motion detector, soaking the inside. I drove 15 miles home in 30 degree weather with a wet helmet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 197

You deserved it 9 193

By nato - 27/11/2012 13:16 - United States

Today, my boss called me Dave. Now everyone actually thinks my name is Dave. It's Nathan. I've been working there for 2 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 205

You deserved it 2 327

By woopdeedo_1 - 07/03/2010 19:56 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a party and crashed on the bedroom floor. I woke up to sex noises coming from the bed. I pretended to still be asleep. I sent a text to my boyfriend to tell him about it. I heard his phone beep from over in the bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 003

You deserved it 3 572

Jesus Saves

By workaholic - 06/03/2014 16:24 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I thought I'd finally finished the special project my boss gave me of changing the eligibility details on several hundred loans. My coworker later pointed out that the document was the same as it had been hours before, and that the changes I made hadn't saved at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 403

You deserved it 7 426

By saxophone911 - 13/04/2013 15:52 - United States

Today, at school, I saw the guy I like at his locker. I decided to run up from behind and surprise him. I ended up accidentally slamming his locker on his fingers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 255

You deserved it 44 313

Social parasites

By Anonymous - 14/01/2022 21:01 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I had to attend a telephone hearing with my landlord, regarding debt and other things. I spent two weeks getting my defence ready. I was prepared and had so much against him. He dropped all complaints but the debt. I had proof it should be reduced or reassessed. He still won and I can’t afford the payments. FML

I agree, your life sucks 857

You deserved it 202

By Anonymous - 08/03/2011 07:17 - United States

Today, while having sex, I thought I was having an orgasm for the first time. Turns out I was just hyperventilating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 208

You deserved it 6 438

By robincakes94 - 29/11/2011 12:42 - United States

Today, I went to a nursing home to sing Christmas carols to the elderly. They threw their bananas at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 676

You deserved it 6 616

By VahnSeiro - 20/02/2010 06:04 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of two years called me, drunk, telling me how much anal sex hurts with some other guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 340

You deserved it 2 720

By tmi4me - 26/05/2015 03:50 - United States

Today, my boss admitted she's having an affair. She's married to my brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 265

You deserved it 2 059

By Anonymous - 19/08/2011 15:08 - United States

Today, I thought I might need some anger-management classes, after I punched a hole in a kitchen cabinet when my dog wouldn't stop yapping every time the rooster my neighbors just got made a noise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 329

You deserved it 28 460

By bonesniffer - 16/09/2010 05:13 - United States

Today, I crawled into bed naked, wanting to get some and hoping to surprise my boyfriend who's always complaining that I don't sleep naked. When he finally got into bed he rolled over, touched my bare ass and said 'oh' then rolled back over and went to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 639

You deserved it 6 010

By mannnnn2717 - 20/12/2009 22:41 - Australia

Today, I finally got around to writing my Christmas cards. After finishing, I realized I had written "Happy Birthday" instead of "Merry Christmas" on every single one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 801

You deserved it 38 435

By Anonymous - 14/05/2013 22:41

Today, I woke up without my fiancé in bed next to me, but I assumed he'd gone to work early. I went on Facebook to find that he had posted a break-up post to himself from my account and set my status to single. I then found a note with "Sorry" written on it stuck to the kitchen counter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 617

You deserved it 3 625

When feral kids attack

By GracieGirl - 04/10/2019 06:00

Today, while waiting for my name to be called at the doctor's office, a little boy threw a Dixie cup full of water at me, making it look like I wet my pants. His mom just laughed and dragged him off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 563

You deserved it 101

By Anonymous - 26/07/2018 01:30

Today, while bringing my baby an early-morning bottle, I tripped over a ball and fell into the glass coffee table, smashing it and cutting myself pretty badly. My husband slept through the whole thing, but the neighbors came by to tell me to keep it down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 772

You deserved it 251

By badmom - 06/11/2015 17:02 - Canada - Saint Catharines

Today, I did such a bad job explaining the recent change from daylight savings time, that my 5-year-old son is now convinced that we're time travellers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 162

You deserved it 4 739

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Top comments

blondie1208 17

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Monday 9 January 2012 3:41

so how did the conversation with grandma go?

ZebulonPike 8

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Monday 9 January 2012 3:40

Owned!

ZebulonPike 8

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Monday 9 January 2012 3:40

Owned!

JacobWithaY 5

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Monday 9 January 2012 3:44

Did she at least make you wash your hands?

Kypopz 9

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Monday 9 January 2012 3:55

The mom is so casual, like it's an everyday thing..

kjcookie10 9

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Monday 9 January 2012 3:57

"Hold on mom!! I'm about to finish... Oh!!! Ok let me talk to my Grams!"

rodgersfan 6

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Monday 9 January 2012 4:04

At first I thought it said stop jacking off to your grandmother....

me_gusta_eso 1

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Monday 9 January 2012 4:36

Your mom is such a "jerk off".

Idonebeenhad 17

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Monday 9 January 2012 5:37

Did your grandma ask how it went?

urdirtyolduncle 15

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Monday 9 January 2012 5:51

What a noob.

ForeverUnemplyed 0

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Monday 9 January 2012 6:35

Op never said he was jacking off he couldve just been playing with his balls or something :/

StoryOfTheYear 13

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Monday 9 January 2012 7:21

Target acquired. Launch sequence in 3... 2...

GovernorGeneral 8

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Monday 9 January 2012 7:25

The moms probably used to walking in on people jerking off. Lol. xD

iliketofu 6

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Monday 9 January 2012 8:36

Was the phene on vibration?

I_Punch_Babies 7

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Monday 9 January 2012 9:02

i wouldve kept jacking off just to piss her off

GovernorGeneral 8

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Monday 9 January 2012 9:58

And i wouldve cut your dick off.

I_Punch_Babies 7

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Monday 9 January 2012 13:25

and i wouldve shoved a buck knife in your vag

mancool124 4

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Monday 9 January 2012 17:08

ydi for not locking your door>.> ••••••

16rrpass 0

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Saturday 14 January 2012 3:38

Retard

kapippenger 0

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Saturday 14 January 2012 17:34

My sides hurt from laughing!!

TheRealBruce 12

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Monday 9 January 2012 3:41

Oh noo! Ydi for making it so obvious

TherealMort 0

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Monday 9 January 2012 3:59

Hi Bruce! Long time no see

TheMaster15 10

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Monday 9 January 2012 3:59

Im curious. Was he just like watching tv and then like "ohh spongebob, yesss", or what?

ladyLALAA 28

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Monday 9 January 2012 4:28

TheRealLalaa

girl112891 7

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Monday 9 January 2012 4:54

Lock you door next time.

boofgall 16

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Monday 9 January 2012 5:39

69- thumbed down.. Your comments always seem to annoy me ._.

zombicidal 11

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Monday 9 January 2012 6:54

I wonder if all these real*insert family guy character here* are like the same dude that just likes to fuck with our heads

jaredjudd21 2

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Monday 9 January 2012 7:32

:O it's like a family reunion. 44- your a jew

ImFrackinBored 13

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Monday 9 January 2012 7:36

Was I the only one who read this in his voice?

jaredjudd21 2

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Monday 9 January 2012 7:37

124- do you realize how much that would consume your life. ( starts sobbing) its soooo difficult....

TheRealBruce 12

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Monday 9 January 2012 11:08

Oh heyy Mort it has been long let's catch up sometime and to everyone else we are not the same person:)

lolmonster34 0

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Monday 9 January 2012 11:41

Did anyone say oh nooo in a Bruce voice or was that just me

evillittleme 5

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Monday 9 January 2012 14:54

Yeah OP, just how loud do u fap?! Geez

GhostDuck 30

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Monday 9 January 2012 22:46

I'm assuming very carefully.

Poser1337 5

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 6:35

Both of these family characters live in the same location. OMG SAME PERSON

Kypopz 9

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Wednesday 11 January 2012 0:06

152 - I read your description in Bruce's voice..

blondie1208 17

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Monday 9 January 2012 3:41

so how did the conversation with grandma go?

AlaskanEskimo34 0

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Monday 9 January 2012 3:49

"hang on grandma let me finish real quick....ahhhhh....okay so how was bingo yesterday?"

segge5 0

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Monday 9 January 2012 5:22

Just a little;)

FMLsOhilarious 6

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Monday 9 January 2012 5:28

#80 nope, I actually found it funny

gntfmlingnow 12

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Monday 9 January 2012 5:41

80 - it was obviously too far if it hit the phone. OH, you meant the joke. Never mind.

ForeverUnemplyed 0

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Monday 9 January 2012 6:41

Grandma: "You're growing up so fast! Just yesterday I was changing your diapers but look at you now" :,) OP: "Well grandma now you can buy me new underwear cuz I need to change mine! ;D

Torva_fml 16

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 5:35

121- try a washing machine. those save people from buying tons of new clothes.

monkeebalz 0

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Monday 9 January 2012 3:41

Well thats a "jerk" move

sportsmaniak13 3

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Monday 9 January 2012 3:45

ahh puns

CheckItOutItsYou 7

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Monday 9 January 2012 4:07

Ahh noobs

ForeverUnemplyed 0

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Monday 9 January 2012 6:57

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh as am I

stuffhappens223 7

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Monday 9 January 2012 7:17

Haha don't hear that everyday

PYLrulz 17

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Monday 9 January 2012 8:31

129 - I believe your line was "c-c-c-combo breaker!"

ImInYourFACEbook 8

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Monday 9 January 2012 22:06

141- I believe you meant 'CUMbo breaker' No? Ok..my bad.

JEnglish89 1

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Monday 9 January 2012 3:42

You should probably stop jacking off and talk to your grandmother...

TheRealBruce 12

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Monday 9 January 2012 3:43

coried91 28

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Monday 9 January 2012 3:47

This comment was pointless

MikeDa1Da 14

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Monday 9 January 2012 4:00

So was this one

MikeDa1Da 14

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Monday 9 January 2012 4:00

So was this one.

flockz 19

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Monday 9 January 2012 4:18

and all of these.

pookberry 4

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Monday 9 January 2012 5:06

Boobs

tylersign 11

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Monday 9 January 2012 6:27

^ Not pointless.

ForeverUnemplyed 0

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Monday 9 January 2012 6:50

Sword!!!!

number0 8

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Monday 9 January 2012 9:29

AND MY AXE!

RedPillSucks 31

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Monday 9 January 2012 17:24

Why does he have to stop? Men can multi-task too. *Hi grandma, don't mind the fapping sound. ...So, how's tricks? *

cash_monkey72 9

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 2:05

6 out of 7 of these comments were pointless. Mine included.

MelTheGreat 23

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Monday 9 January 2012 3:42

Old people... yum.

bling87 0

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Monday 9 January 2012 3:51

That is really creepy...

Guy247bp2 1

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Monday 9 January 2012 4:01

That made me want to vomit.

KiddNYC1O 20

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Monday 9 January 2012 4:09

Herberta?

Amrel 10

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Monday 9 January 2012 4:35

Theres a website for people like you Mel

maddienoelle 13

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Monday 9 January 2012 4:38

Does no one understand the joke here besides me?

Amrel 10

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Monday 9 January 2012 4:46

Enlighten me Maddie

ForeverUnemplyed 0

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Monday 9 January 2012 6:46

Mel is obviously a cannibal that especially enjoys the elderly how could you have not gotten that???

Miss_Attitude96 24

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Monday 9 January 2012 3:43

And your grandmother hung up after she said that, right?

arttyruiz 7

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Monday 9 January 2012 3:43

I wonder how grandma reacted.

takeitandrun 13

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Monday 9 January 2012 3:43

Don't jack off when other people are at the house, or at least lock the door. Don't be rude.

cooLING 0

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Monday 9 January 2012 3:56

There also is a thing called "knocking". Have you heard of it?

drlove78843 6

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Monday 9 January 2012 4:09

I live in a big family, if I'm not gonna jack off whenever someone at home then I would never be able to it :(

KiddNYC1O 20

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Monday 9 January 2012 4:11

Just make believe you're taking a shit. Or simply do it in the shower.

LolFMLnot 10

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Monday 9 January 2012 4:37

56 you can always do it at night time in the washroom

icefshng8 9

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Monday 9 January 2012 4:58

Takeitandrun, is that your snake? What is it? Carpet python? I've never seen one with quite that pattern.

fgwrxfiend 11

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Monday 9 January 2012 6:13

you live IN a big family #56? how's that going?

DoctorNana 0

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Monday 9 January 2012 7:24

Not everyone has locks on their doors :S

weeman4189 0

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Monday 9 January 2012 3:43

Omg lol rotfl

Nearly

Today I ripped my lovely £50 coat on barbed wire, what I only worn a hand full of times, ended up having to spend £10 to get it repaired, have to wait till Friday to pick it up, it’s only Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 2

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 246

You deserved it 669

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 630

You deserved it 801

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