Today, my husband was in our newborn's room, holding and talking to him. I guess he forgot the baby monitor, because I overheard him say, "Wanna know a secret? Daddy kills people." I really hope he was just quoting Dexter. FML
Collection
Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, my husband of 6 years said in a grave voice that he had some important news for me. Jokingly, I said, "Why, did you get that cute colleague of yours pregnant?" He did. FML
Today, I was watching a crime drama with my parents. During a tense moment, I casually said, "Oh, I know how to hide a body." They both stared at me in horror, and I had to explain that I meant from watching too many true crime videos on YouTube, not from actual experience. FML
Today, I was talking on the phone about how my son's babysitter is an absolute sicko, that she smoked weed next to my baby, that she smells bad, etc. I literally said her full name and the way she looks. Then I felt a hand on my shoulder; it was her, and she'd heard absolutely everything. FML
Today, I overheard my mother-in-law and sister-in-law over the baby monitor. They were talking about how much better off my daughter would be if I were to die. FML
Today, while my husband was at work, he missed our son saying his first word ("Dada"), taking his first steps and smashing the widescreen TV with a well-aimed teddy bear. Care to guess which of these three things made my husband cry. FML
Today, my husband and I sat our 10-year-old daughter down for a chat over her recent cursing. When my husband asked where she'd heard the words, she "innocently" replied, "from mommy's other boyfriend." He took her seriously, accused me of cheating, and hasn't been home since. FML
Today, I drove to the hospital to see my newborn. I went to the room, picked him out of the crate and held him. Then I heard the toilet flush and saw a woman who I didn't know come out. She screamed. My wife was in the room next door. FML
Today, my family attended the funeral of an old family friend's baby, who died in childbirth. Afterwards, my husband went around snickering and quietly telling dead baby jokes to the other attendees. FML
Today, my husband came out of the bathroom and screamed, "Call 911 because I just murdered this motherfucking toilet!” then laughed hysterically at his own stupid joke. I was on a Zoom meeting at the time. Everyone heard. FML
Today, I found out that the "burglar" I caught, punched, and tied up for the cops was actually my wife's secret lover. FML
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Top comments
cmayer 20
Maybe he didn't forget the baby monitor and he was just messing with you.
Pleonasm 35
Look for those slides with drops of blood.
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Comments (74)
Obey_StudBoii 23
I hope to god he was joking. Even if he wasn't why would you tell a child that? Your husband is sick in the head.
luismig2 2
maybe he is a CIA agent and you just dont know it.
buckdharma 37
Your parrot has been trying to tell you.
timss4 19
Or maybe he's an assassin :)
onorexveritas 23
or he said that to freak you out
simsgirlgem 25
May I suggest a taser incase he comes after you
Bl0ndi3 6
That's scary. I would have went in there right away and took my baby. Joke or not. You're holding an innocent little child.
Bilover96 5
Ask him about it but uh pack a bag just in case you need to run
Orchard 33
Haha, if you're really concerned about it, I wouldn't ask, talk about tipping your hand. Run first, ask later. Or try to get your hands on some luminol and test it around the trunk of his car, things like that ;) But I definitely wouldn't ask about it, haven't you seen those movies where the person goes up to the killer and says "hey, I heard your confession, you were the murderer!" and then they get stabbed in the throat...O.O
Orchard 33
Holy shit. I'll be keeping an eye out for your story in the news: "SERIAL KILLER FINALLY CAUGHT; LIVED DOUBLE LIFE WITH LOVING FAMILY CLUELESS TO HEINOUS CRIMES"
Dusksoul2001 13
O.O FYL Confront him about it. Maybe with an ambulance or cop cars outside.