Today, my husband was in our newborn's room, holding and talking to him. I guess he forgot the baby monitor, because I overheard him say, "Wanna know a secret? Daddy kills people." I really hope he was just quoting Dexter. FML
Collection
Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, my husband of 6 years said in a grave voice that he had some important news for me. Jokingly, I said, "Why, did you get that cute colleague of yours pregnant?" He did. FML
Today, I was watching a crime drama with my parents. During a tense moment, I casually said, "Oh, I know how to hide a body." They both stared at me in horror, and I had to explain that I meant from watching too many true crime videos on YouTube, not from actual experience. FML
Today, I was talking on the phone about how my son's babysitter is an absolute sicko, that she smoked weed next to my baby, that she smells bad, etc. I literally said her full name and the way she looks. Then I felt a hand on my shoulder; it was her, and she'd heard absolutely everything. FML
Today, I overheard my mother-in-law and sister-in-law over the baby monitor. They were talking about how much better off my daughter would be if I were to die. FML
Today, while my husband was at work, he missed our son saying his first word ("Dada"), taking his first steps and smashing the widescreen TV with a well-aimed teddy bear. Care to guess which of these three things made my husband cry. FML
Today, my husband and I sat our 10-year-old daughter down for a chat over her recent cursing. When my husband asked where she'd heard the words, she "innocently" replied, "from mommy's other boyfriend." He took her seriously, accused me of cheating, and hasn't been home since. FML
Today, I drove to the hospital to see my newborn. I went to the room, picked him out of the crate and held him. Then I heard the toilet flush and saw a woman who I didn't know come out. She screamed. My wife was in the room next door. FML
Today, my family attended the funeral of an old family friend's baby, who died in childbirth. Afterwards, my husband went around snickering and quietly telling dead baby jokes to the other attendees. FML
Today, my husband came out of the bathroom and screamed, "Call 911 because I just murdered this motherfucking toilet!” then laughed hysterically at his own stupid joke. I was on a Zoom meeting at the time. Everyone heard. FML
Today, I found out that the "burglar" I caught, punched, and tied up for the cops was actually my wife's secret lover. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
cmayer 20
Maybe he didn't forget the baby monitor and he was just messing with you.
Pleonasm 35
Look for those slides with drops of blood.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (74)
SuperDanielNL 23
If I have kids, I'll start quoting Game of Thrones or Quentin Tarantino movies... "I vomited on a girl once..."
graceinsheepwear 33
Sounds like a classic Dexter moment and I bet plenty of newborns have heard the same thing at this point. Just a fun homage to a great moment in the show. I wouldn't worry. And remember that Dexter, well-adjusted congenial serial killer, is implausible fun fiction.
kewpiesuicide 29
Wait till you know your husband is listening and say the same thing into the baby monitor. He'll either laugh and say "I said the same thing!" or feel comfortable enough with your 'admission' to come out and tell you that he also kills people.
jerzjay 17
Haha, like some Mr. & Mrs Smith movie shit
ilesuk 11
Wow! Be careful! Perhaps it's time to look into it further!
worldclassrager 39
Secret job you don't know about? Either way if he is quoting Dexter or is a secret agent you and your child should be safe...
applebramble 22
Oh he's a hitman ;)
buddy51 23
Awwww, daddy's helping your kid with some early career advice!!! Sweet!! Another possibility to consider, OP, is that Dexter was quoting your husband. Watch out for guys that look like John Lithgow is the best advice I can give you!
betterdaysahead 14
lady I say look in to it with out him know for real is there place in your home your not allowed to go in hell better be safe than sorry FYL
KylarStern19 7
Hey maybe he's a US Gov Assassin??
darryaz 9
Don't think he forgot about the baby monitor. He was trying to shock you. Sounds like something I would've done to my ex after our son was born.