Today, my husband was in our newborn's room, holding and talking to him. I guess he forgot the baby monitor, because I overheard him say, "Wanna know a secret? Daddy kills people." I really hope he was just quoting Dexter. FML
Collection
Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, my husband of 6 years said in a grave voice that he had some important news for me. Jokingly, I said, "Why, did you get that cute colleague of yours pregnant?" He did. FML
Today, I was watching a crime drama with my parents. During a tense moment, I casually said, "Oh, I know how to hide a body." They both stared at me in horror, and I had to explain that I meant from watching too many true crime videos on YouTube, not from actual experience. FML
Today, I was talking on the phone about how my son's babysitter is an absolute sicko, that she smoked weed next to my baby, that she smells bad, etc. I literally said her full name and the way she looks. Then I felt a hand on my shoulder; it was her, and she'd heard absolutely everything. FML
Today, I overheard my mother-in-law and sister-in-law over the baby monitor. They were talking about how much better off my daughter would be if I were to die. FML
Today, while my husband was at work, he missed our son saying his first word ("Dada"), taking his first steps and smashing the widescreen TV with a well-aimed teddy bear. Care to guess which of these three things made my husband cry. FML
Today, my husband and I sat our 10-year-old daughter down for a chat over her recent cursing. When my husband asked where she'd heard the words, she "innocently" replied, "from mommy's other boyfriend." He took her seriously, accused me of cheating, and hasn't been home since. FML
Today, I drove to the hospital to see my newborn. I went to the room, picked him out of the crate and held him. Then I heard the toilet flush and saw a woman who I didn't know come out. She screamed. My wife was in the room next door. FML
Today, my family attended the funeral of an old family friend's baby, who died in childbirth. Afterwards, my husband went around snickering and quietly telling dead baby jokes to the other attendees. FML
Today, my husband came out of the bathroom and screamed, "Call 911 because I just murdered this motherfucking toilet!” then laughed hysterically at his own stupid joke. I was on a Zoom meeting at the time. Everyone heard. FML
Today, I found out that the "burglar" I caught, punched, and tied up for the cops was actually my wife's secret lover. FML
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Top comments
cmayer 20
Maybe he didn't forget the baby monitor and he was just messing with you.
Pleonasm 35
Look for those slides with drops of blood.
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Comments (74)
Ryodin 11
Tell a friend so if you "take a vacation" and never come home they know.
Sparepanda 3
I read newborn as neighbor..
prometheus531 9
Maybe daddy is a spy for the CIA. How cool would that be?
Brightbulb 40
This is very common. Think of it as a win, he likes a good show, hopefully you baby will take after him and be a human amongst what is bound to be the dumbest generation of Americans.
LookAttMyyLifee 12
Get. Out. Now ! I hope you can run if need be...
christian_slate 16
You better be paranoid just in case: REMEMBER THIS FOREVER, blah blah blah.
LissaMccracken 23
I love dexter!! :0
catsie_fml 14
P
Kc1001 14
If daddy is in the military don't worry. If he's a cop then have him see a counselor.
FRB 8
Are you sure your safe?
BrookRae 19
you're*