Today, my husband called me in the middle of the morning. He... - FML

By Anonymous - 23/5/2012 21:14 - United States

Today, my husband called me in the middle of the morning. He was in jail and wanted me to bail him out. Not only was he stupid enough to go drunk drag-racing with his buddies, their route took them straight past the front of the local police precinct. FML

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Fashion Police

That'll be Kevin in accounting

A beautiful truck decoration

By ProudASDmom - 30/3/2016 02:39 - Canada - Chilliwack

Today, my son's first impression of our new neighborhood was to be yelled at by the first kid he tried to introduce himself to, because my son was on the edge of their lawn. Half-an-hour later, I got a lecture at the corner store, because the clerk thinks vaccinations caused my son's autism. FML

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By - 3/11/2019 20:30

Indebted without work

Today, my husband has to quit his job. 5 months ago, we paid a deposit on a section for our brand new house and the title and mortgage need to be finalized next week. His work is forcing him out because he wanted to do his job safely and to a high standard of workmanship. FML

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By BadassRumbleroar - 20/1/2012 03:46 - Canada

Today, I found out that when you are sitting on a full bench at a bus stop, some crazy person will come sit on you. FML

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By hellnooo - 15/8/2009 23:06 - United States

Today, I found out that I puke and then pass out at the sight of blood. I am a 16 year old girl expecting hundreds of periods to come. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2009 14:54 - United States

Today, I texted this girl that I really like. I got a message back saying "Your message to 903-***-**** could not go through due to a disconnection, thanks, Alltel services." I overheard her later at lunch saying she sent the message, and laughed with her friends about it. FML

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By Eternal_Babyface - 8/11/2015 17:14 - United States

Today, I was talking to a friend and bemoaning the fact that my new coworkers keep mixing up my gender. She looked at me critically and said, "Yeah, until you can grow a decent beard, people are going to keep thinking you're an intern or a butch lesbian." FML

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By Jesse - 22/6/2009 16:18 - United States

Today, McDonalds charged me 21 cents for a honey mustard packet. The jerk manager made me break a $50 bill. So I grabbed all their napkins, carried them into the parking lot and tossed them all into the air in protest and drove off. Down the road, I realized I left my wallet at the counter. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2014 15:38 - Taiwan - Taipei

Today, I'm so broke that I had to call in sick to work because I couldn't afford to pay my bus fare. FML

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By WeightonmyShoulders - 11/12/2015 21:10 - United States - Canandaigua

Today, I realized that I know, all too well, what it feels like to have my over-middle-age boss's boob on my shoulder. FML

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By wookieewhosshe - 25/4/2019 13:00 - United Kingdom - Plymouth

Today, my phone stopped charging. I panicked because I can't really afford to get it fixed, and it's too stressful a time at my last semester at university to not have a phone. I took it to the repair shop, and the man turned it off and on again. it works perfectly. I'm a total idiot. FML

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By criley - 24/6/2014 01:56 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, an attractive guy approached me and struck up a conversation. He was friendly and sweet, and gave me his number. As I walked away, my first thought was that someone had played a cruel joke on me. I've had such awful relationships that I can't recognize when someone is actually being sincere. FML

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By Ariel - 5/10/2020 10:02

Zeitgeist

Today, my dishes smelled so perfume-y after going through the dishwasher and a clean glass of water tasted soapy. I checked the pods my husband bought and loaded into the dishwasher to make sure we never got that brand again. They were laundry detergent pods. I was essentially a millennial eating a Tide Pod. FML

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By Wealthyparrot - 10/5/2013 08:24 - United States

Today, a client refused to pay after I mowed her lawn. Her reasoning? I had entered her basement "without permission." I require on-site equipment be provided, and she kept her mower in her basement. I only knew it was in the basement because she'd showed me, and told me where the key was. FML

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By LondonKitsch - 26/6/2009 16:51 - United States

Today, I finally got into a yoga class with the instructor I've been crushing on for 2 years. As he walked closer to greet me, I lifted my leg over my head into a full split, and queefed obnoxiously loud. He responded with his gag reflex. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/10/2011 15:24 - United Kingdom

Today, my pregnancy test came back positive. The only way I could have gotten pregnant is from having gotten drunk and sleeping with my ex. We broke up because I didn't want children. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2011 05:23 - United States

Today, my parents bought purity rings for my twin brother and me for our birthday, and had them blessed by our priest. Neither of us are virgins. FML

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By jesus christ, dad - 6/9/2013 16:48 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Knock first

Today, for the third time since breakfast, I accidentally walked in on my father wanking. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/7/2009 02:35 - Brazil

Today, my long-distance boyfriend was at my house for a 10-day visit. He told me that we'd never spent so much time together, so he didn't know me well and now, he'd finally met the "real me". He doesn't like it. FML

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By Me - 5/1/2010 07:16 - France

Today, I was rejected for a job I really wanted, they said I didn't have enough experience. I designed the systems they are implementing. FML

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By ultraattitude - 14/6/2012 19:34 - United States

Today, I went to see my dermatologist friend for a free consultation on my terrible acne. During my visit, she said I probably won't be getting any more pimples. Excited, I asked her how she could tell. She replied, "There's no more room for it." FML

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By Zinfandel - 7/8/2010 06:04 - United States

Today, I decided to clear up some storm damage. I carefully cut a tree that was threatening to fall on my house. It fell on my neighbor's house instead. He's taking me to court for damages. FML

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By crazycat - 13/5/2011 16:23 - Canada

Today, in the early hours of the morning, my cat started scratching at my legs. I got out of bed and he raced me to the stairs, tripping me. I fell all the way down and landed in cat poop. FML

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By whatthewhat - 18/11/2009 19:52 - United States

Today, a woman cursed me out, called me a perverted freak, and said I should be ashamed of myself because I had asked her "How much for one night?." She works in a toy shop, I was with my five year old daughter, and was pointing to the sign, "Rent A Helium Tank!" FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2009 20:02 - United States

Today, I learned that no matter how much you assume that the crunchy bits in a bag of crisps are in fact crisps, you will occasionally find that your assumptions are wrong. Beetles just don't have the same appeal. FML

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By Anon - 12/1/2012 19:24 - United States

Today, I tried to give my friend a fist bump. He thought I was trying to punch him so he punched me in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2010 06:27 - United States

Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating right after I maxed out my credit card buying him everything on his Christmas list. FML

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By hatemyjob - 23/6/2011 18:13 - United States

Today, I discovered that even though I now have a key to get into the office, I don't know the code to shut off the alarm system. I showed up early. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2010 23:42 - Canada

Today, I told my parents I wanted to try modelling. I decided that since I have such a low self-esteem, that it might benefit me, and make me feel better about myself and how I look. The first thing out of my dad's mouth was, "What? Why? You're ugly." Thanks dad. FML

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By hateskool888581 - 12/1/2010 00:28 - Mexico

Today, I went to a nearby nightclub with some friends and the girl I've been flirting for weeks. We were having a good time until this girl and two of her friends got back complaining about some "drunk-old-perverts harassing them". It looks like my dad and his friends are having a good time too. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2019 14:00 - United States - Buffalo

Bisexual!

Today, I found a note in my boyfriend's phone titled "People's I've had sex with". There are also dates next to the notes which represented the day he had sex with them. Not only that it was NOT me who is the last person on the list, but I also realized that the last person on the list was my best friend. And he's a guy. FML

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By Benji - 22/1/2009 12:06 - France

Today, my 19 year old girlfriend dumped me because she thinks I'm immature. I'm 30. FML

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By Elevated fear - 24/12/2017 19:00

Today, I finally sought help for my crippling fear of elevators. When I arrived at my new therapist's office, I found the door to the stairs locked. To get to my appointment on the third floor of the building, I have to take the elevator. FML

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By IlikeGreenPlants - 26/11/2009 02:41 - United States

Today, I found out that the plant in my kitchen that I have been watering for almost 2 years is fake. FML

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By Henry - 6/2/2010 03:19 - United States

Today, I realized that the only food I have is four months' worth of nutrisystem food from when my parents went on the nutrisystem diet. I am not able to secure a job and buy my own food, so I have two choices: die of starvation or die of nasty nutrisystem food. FML

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By Nick - 16/3/2009 05:08 - Canada

Today, I was talking to this hot girl I have dinner with every week. Lately she’s always telling me how she loves me and I do the same. Today she said: "The way we talk and act around each other, people would think we were dating." My answer was: "Aren't we?". FML

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By Rakoric - 16/4/2017 22:00

Today, my wife and I went kayaking for the first time in the ocean. She got seasick and just before she threw up, leaned over the side and tipped the kayak over. FML

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By me - 20/4/2015 01:46 - Canada

Today, my exchange student asked me for a ride to a party at a friend's house that I didn't know about. When I said, "Oh, just let me change", she replied, "I just need the ride, you're not invited." FML

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By BaconGirl - 8/7/2016 06:00

Today, it has been my lifelong dream to work with animals. My dream sorta came true. I now work at the slaughterhouse. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/12/2017 05:00

Today, I accidentally called a student in my 10th grade English class "David" instead of "Dylan". Without thinking, I said, "I'm sorry, I just have a lot of d's in my life!". All of my students broke out in mortified laughter. FML

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By AlwaysRejected - 10/12/2015 15:53 - United States - Fremont

Today, I found out that my so-called "friends" on my Skype group chat have another group chat that contains everyone but me. Apparently, they made it so I would not "disturb" their conversations. FML

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Top comments

By hatesfate | 6

#4473520 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:01

Please don't have children with this idiot. Genes as stupid as those need to stop spreading..

By missanderson813 | 4

#4473525 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:01

Shouldnt bail him out. He needs to learn from his stupidity.

COMMENTS

By hatesfate | 6

#4473520 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:01

Please don't have children with this idiot. Genes as stupid as those need to stop spreading..

Reply

thatgurltori | 6

#4473595 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:20

he's a keeper.

Reply

chowE_fml | 4

#4473618 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:28

Hope OP doesn't bail him out. He deserves some "vroom" to his butt

Reply

mjoyn98 | 1

#4473649 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:46

If OP's husband had posted this incident as an FML there would be a lot more YDI..

Reply

itsame0987 | 18

#4474435 - Thursday 24 May 2012 1:34

My question is did op know he was this dumb when she married him? If so then she shouldn't be surprised. Op leave his butt in jail for a day or two so you can work on your "I am so disappointed in you" face.

Reply

alexup24 | 13

#4474623 - Thursday 24 May 2012 2:54

I wonder if he was in a prius

Reply

Meettitan | 14

#4474721 - Thursday 24 May 2012 3:30

55- you mean like 69's pic?

Reply

winnerme123 | 8

#4474812 - Thursday 24 May 2012 4:18

Why does everyone hate the Prius ...
Oh yeah I hate it too.

Reply

Boygenius50 | 8

#4474880 - Thursday 24 May 2012 4:51

Kia's are for straight men.

Reply

alexup24 | 13

#4474926 - Thursday 24 May 2012 5:11

"You were drag racing in a prius?" reply: "I don't win a lot..."

Reply

Sparks808 | 10

#4475077 - Thursday 24 May 2012 6:24

It's a quote from Horrible Bosses. Loved that part. And personally, I love my Prius.

Reply

taco_bender | 12

#4475100 - Thursday 24 May 2012 6:41

"Its like a tampon on wheels". Other guys.

Reply

skyeyez9 | 24

#4476629 - Thursday 24 May 2012 17:32

Then the drag race would have reached a maximum speed of 36mph.

Reply

TheDoctor10 | 28

#5584253 - Wednesday 17 July 2013 5:15

I don't win a lot.

By stinkystu7 | 0

#4473521 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:01

Wow.

Reply

jewfroditmer | 7

#4473528 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:02

Thanks for that stinky, well done.

Reply

kickuwithmyfist | 1

#4474457 - Thursday 24 May 2012 1:44

World Of Warcraft?

Reply

sarahlouise0506 | 10

#4475217 - Thursday 24 May 2012 8:13

Words of Wisdom?
Clearly not.

Reply

free2speak | 14

#4476025 - Thursday 24 May 2012 14:30

Worst of the worsts?

Reply

stinkystu7 | 0

#4484764 - Saturday 26 May 2012 16:59

6- your welcome

By missanderson813 | 4

#4473525 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:01

Shouldnt bail him out. He needs to learn from his stupidity.

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#4474730 - Thursday 24 May 2012 3:34

Yeah and it is strong in this one.

By SkoomaKi | 27

#4473526 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:01

This guy knows how to enjoy the finer things in life.

Although, I wouldn't bail him out. He can learn from his very idiotic mistakes.

Reply

Axipiter | 24

#4473546 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:04

Double thumbs up. Fun as it sounds, there are just some things you CAN'T do without repercussions.

Reply

NoisyNykkii | 10

#4474490 - Thursday 24 May 2012 1:58

With that level of idiocy, I think OPs husband is better off in jail indeed.

By keepmeonthedl | 7

#4473527 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:01

Is it wrong that I think you should let him stay there for a night? Maybe that would scare some sense into him.

Reply

COOL__Coal | 12

#4473669 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:52

Yeah the scared straight program for adults.

Reply

Vegeto30294 | 19

#4474950 - Thursday 24 May 2012 5:23

Something tells me he won't be scared "straight" if he's in jail.

Reply

shadowcat13 | 0

#4475056 - Thursday 24 May 2012 6:12

Well this guy obviously isnt a pussy. So a few days in a county jail probably wouldn't do much.

By airforce987 | 20

#4473530 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:02

He might have thought he was a hobbit going past Isengard. "The closer we are to danger, the farther we are from harm! It's the last thing they'll expect."

Reply

coldashell | 23

#4474484 - Thursday 24 May 2012 1:51

I was thinking the same thing.

Reply

airforce987 | 20

#4475209 - Thursday 24 May 2012 8:08

If you couldn't tell, I was watching LOTR2 when I posted that lol

Reply

ChloeC926 | 9

#4478615 - Friday 25 May 2012 2:43

Lol nice! i luv LOTR

By doglover569 | 0

#4473531 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:02

You married him and his stupidity. Happiness to the both of you...

By nofearjenshere | 12

#4473538 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:03

He deserves to be in jail for the night! I cant believe someone could be that dumb.

Reply

mmike13 | 2

#4474610 - Thursday 24 May 2012 2:45

There you go thumbed u up

Reply

ohmandapants | 16

#4474748 - Thursday 24 May 2012 3:49

^ do you want a cookie? Just the thumb up would have sufficed.

10-Lots of people are that dumb unfortunately...somehow natural selection allowed it...

Reply

ChrisG93 | 8

#4474865 - Thursday 24 May 2012 4:43

Wait! If I thumb her up do I get a cookie? Or were you joking?

Reply

nofearjenshere | 12

#4474878 - Thursday 24 May 2012 4:50

I'll give you a cookie! Free cookies for everyone!!

Reply

ChrisG93 | 8

#4474898 - Thursday 24 May 2012 4:57

Thank you! I'm always down for some cookies.

Reply

ICastillo | 24

#4474907 - Thursday 24 May 2012 5:02

Damn 82 she threw you under the bus haha

By Michael_92 | 20

#4473539 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:03

I bet it was something like "I bet you don't have the balls to drag race in front of the police".....well we can see how it ended

Reply

thiscrazything | 1

#4474787 - Thursday 24 May 2012 4:09

Or maybe they were too drunk to pick a route that didn't include the PD.

By thatKidzmOm | 10

#4473541 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:03

I hope, for your sake, you don't have any kids with him. At some point, we all have to grow up. Apparently he hasn't reached that point yet.