Money: Today, my husband called me in the middle of the morning. He... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 93

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 106

You deserved it 13

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 470

You deserved it 125

23/05/2012 21:14

Today, my husband called me in the middle of the morning. He was in jail and wanted me to bail him out. Not only was he stupid enough to go drunk drag-racing with his buddies, their route took them straight past the front of the local police precinct. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 401

You deserved it 3 365

And today, on Dr Phil…

Dysfunctional

The Blob

27/05/2015 13:39

Today, my dad stood by and nodded in agreement as my sister told me that my clinical depression is "getting REALLY old." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 457

You deserved it 4 011

Distant

By Anonymous - 15/07/2021 00:01

Today, when my husband told me years ago he wanted to parent just like his dad used to, I had no idea that meant helping with practical stuff like cooking and nappy changing, but otherwise ignoring our kid's emotional well-being and telling them to buzz off when they try to talk to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 769

You deserved it 112

16/01/2016 04:16

Today, my dad made me figure out how to disable the adult content filters on our internet. He spent what must have been a full 10 minutes on a distracting, long-winded speech about how he doesn't want to look up porn, but "it's just the principle of the damn thing". Sure, dad. Sure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 781

You deserved it 1 679

08/03/2013 18:44

Today, I bought a textbook for my college class. Not only is the £150 book only sold by our teacher, it turned out to be a piece of shit that he obviously wrote, printed, and stapled together at home. When I went to the faculty about it, I was told it's all perfectly legal, and to drop it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 723

You deserved it 3 048

28/01/2009 09:24

Today, I woke up and I'm still in the Marine Corps. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 330

You deserved it 44 643

02/06/2009 06:18

Today, I heard a baby crying while I was walking down the street. I walked around until I found it. In a dumpster. I immediately called the cops, completely freaking out. When the cops came, they pulled the baby out of the dumpster. It was a plastic baby doll. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 489

You deserved it 24 159

08/12/2011 19:58

Today, I walked out of the store, car keys in hand, only to discover my car was missing. After a frantic search, I started to hyperventilate and a nearly had a full-blown panic attack. Then I remembered I walked to the store. I am an idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 566

You deserved it 33 367

20/10/2010 07:00

Today, I met my roommate for the first time. I walked in the door to see him in full Roman gladiator gear, screaming at the computer because he lost 18 knights. He also told me he wakes up every 3 hours to make sure his army is still intact. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 260

You deserved it 3 504

28/09/2016 16:03

Today, my new roommate sent me a picture of our toothbrushes bristles touching with the caption "Look! I made them kiss!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 014

You deserved it 927

Ungrateful

By Anonymous - 04/03/2021 11:01

Today, my teenage daughter insisted it was my job to take down the tray full of empty dishes, because I was the one who had carried it upstairs. Sound logic, so far. Why had I carried the tray upstairs? To serve her breakfast in bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 542

You deserved it 719

25/12/2010 18:33

Today, I spent the morning in the ER with a broken arm. My little brother was in such a rush to get his presents first, that he violently shoved me out of the way on the stairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 978

You deserved it 2 626

23/11/2018 14:00

Today, as I was fueling my truck, I was asked out to dinner by a 65-year-old retiree. I'm 25. He stormed off and called me a bitch for politely turning him down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 945

You deserved it 266

03/05/2009 16:40

Today, I overheard my dad's friend complaining to my dad that his new baby boy is a ginger. I continued listening, and heard my dad saying, "Yeah, there's nothing worse than having a ginger." I'm his daughter. I'm a ginger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 708

You deserved it 7 050

My Baby Boy

By Lilahpaints - 22/10/2019 18:00

Today, twelve days after stomach surgery, I birthed a left behind, forgotten blood-stained stinky surgical swab from my vagina. I have no idea why it was there in the first place. I feel violated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 277

You deserved it 131

04/11/2014 12:03

Spicy

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blowjob. I was laying in between his legs because it's just more comfortable. I looked down, and he had pieces of toilet paper sticking out of his butt cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 089

You deserved it 8 451

17/01/2015 18:11

Today, I had to explain to my teenage daughter that The Interview wasn't a documentary and that Kim Jong-un wasn't actually assassinated by a pair of goofy reporters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 424

You deserved it 6 295

26/03/2012 20:56

Spicy

Today, I read an article with tips on how to give girls full-body orgasms and I decided to test a few on my girlfriend. Instead of having a mind-blowing orgasm, she started cackling and said I looked like a giraffe trying to bob for apples. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 419

You deserved it 6 015

17/09/2018 14:00

Today, I found out my boyfriend of 7 years has been cheating on me with my friend's 18-year-old sister, took her on the vacation we planned, and will be starting with my company next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 567

You deserved it 211

NO SNACKS

By face - 25/03/2009 05:45

Today, my friends decided that I eat too many snacks. To emphasize this point, they went behind my back and printed 300 pages with my face and the words "NO SNACKS" on them. They were posted in every academic building on campus, including every room I have class in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 122

You deserved it 10 660

WTF?

By Anonymous - 15/04/2018 01:30

Today, I went to my fiancé's mother's funeral. His step-sister proudly announced that she's pregnant with his baby and they are engaged. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 994

You deserved it 306

Summer's here and the time is right…

By Anonymous - 26/06/2021 18:30

Today, I was on my way to work and wearing a tank top when I suddenly walked through 10 feet of sprinklers and got completely soaked. A cop flagged me down in front of a bunch of people, because apparently I matched the description of a "suspect". He stared at my boobs the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 839

You deserved it 148

26/03/2009 03:45

Today, I babysat for two little girls, who wanted to play 'mermaids'. I smiled, and said that I would love to play with them. The older girl laughed, saying "You can't be a mermaid. Mermaids are pretty." FML

I agree, your life sucks 84 345

You deserved it 5 124

06/02/2012 21:52

Today, my girlfriend openly mocked me, calling me an idiot for thinking seahorses are real. She insists that they're like unicorns, and only exist in fiction. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 300

You deserved it 4 718

01/04/2012 10:08

Today, I had my first free night in months. I spent it doing homework and watching TV. I had set my Facebook status to say I was spending time with the boys from The Big Bang Theory, then fell asleep. I woke up later to an angry text from my boyfriend thinking I was cheating on him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 677

You deserved it 5 024

18/07/2009 22:32

Today, I used a public bathroom. I hung my purse up on the hook on the door. Two minutes later, a hand reaches over the door and steals my purse. I got robbed while taking a crap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 125

You deserved it 7 961

11/09/2010 06:19

Today, I woke up late to an urgent voicemail from my dad telling me he left me a present in my car. Excited, I went to investigate. I then saw that his "surprise" was fresh fish he had caught. I hate fish, and now my car stinks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 822

You deserved it 3 590

Go away

By pokèscared - 10/03/2020 05:00

Today, the creepy dude I’d been desperately trying to avoid was able to figure out which building I work in, the general vicinity of my house and which restaurants I frequent. He learned all this by the gifts I sent, not knowing it was him, on the Pokémon Go app. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 576

You deserved it 529

20/11/2014 23:59

Today, I knocked an old-school slide carousel off my desk, scattering nearly 100 individual slides everywhere, including the specific slides my professor asked me to digitally scan, which were placed carefully on top. None of them are numbered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 933

You deserved it 5 888

08/12/2011 20:41

Today, I went to court to file a small claim and found myself at the end of a huge line. The moment I got to the front of the line, the fire alarm went off and we all had to leave the building. The moment I got outside, the alarm stopped and everybody rushed back in. I'm at the back of the line. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 662

You deserved it 3 769

08/02/2017 19:00

Today, at work, I bumped into what looked like a small child and said, "sorry, little man". Turns out he actually was a "little person". FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 159

You deserved it 1 122

25/09/2013 10:37

Today, I realised I sweat so much that I won't be able to go without sticking super pads with wings to my shirt underarms everyday. It makes supermarket trips interesting. Especially as a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 182

You deserved it 3 883

10/02/2009 23:06

Spicy

Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room. She had my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 551 793

You deserved it 46 778

25/07/2010 05:57

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend decided he would do his job while I did my "job" on top of him. He whips out his Blackberry and completely ignores me to send e-mails to co-workers reminding them about the 10 a.m. meeting scheduled for the next morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 943

You deserved it 5 610

02/07/2011 05:33

Today, I went to the carnival with a guy I like. When we went on the big scary ride where you flip upside down a lot, he asked me to be his girlfriend. Then, I threw up on him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 552

You deserved it 4 724

07/01/2009 11:43

Today, I received a really nice red satin set of underwear, with a bra, a thong and a corset... From my grandfather. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 570

You deserved it 2 273

Burning down the house

By Anonymous - 25/07/2021 18:01

Today, I got some ingredients ready for a stew in the slow cooker, planning to turn it on when I left for work. Well, my dumb, un-caffeinated ass turned it on, but put it on high instead of low. For 13 hours. It was completely charcoal by the time I got home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 695

You deserved it 275

28/06/2015 05:06

Today, I decided to break up with my boyfriend. The main reason being that he doesn't value my time, and fails to see how canceling at the last minute is rude and a major inconvenience. I wanted to be respectful enough by breaking things off face to face. He cancelled, at the last minute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 739

You deserved it 2 577

29/11/2009 07:25

Today, I locked my keys in the car while the car was running because I got out to get the parking ticket attached to my windshield. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 390

You deserved it 26 341

21/01/2010 13:10

Today, I talked to my ex on AIM after not speaking to her since we broke up two years ago. The conversation lead up to her asking how I feel about her. So I poured my heart and soul out to her, because I still love her. She immediately logged off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 017

You deserved it 32 716

09/12/2011 03:35

Today, I saw my neighbor's Christmas tree they had put up on their porch, with decorative presents under it. Being that my neighbors hate me, I figured I would take a present to piss them off. While walking back home with the present, I opened it. Inside it read "I knew you would, douche bag." FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 642

You deserved it 80 647

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Thursday 24 May 2012 0:01

Please don't have children with this idiot. Genes as stupid as those need to stop spreading..

missanderson813 4

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Thursday 24 May 2012 0:01

Shouldnt bail him out. He needs to learn from his stupidity.

Comments

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Thursday 24 May 2012 0:01

Please don't have children with this idiot. Genes as stupid as those need to stop spreading..

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Thursday 24 May 2012 0:20

he's a keeper.

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Thursday 24 May 2012 0:28

Hope OP doesn't bail him out. He deserves some "vroom" to his butt

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Thursday 24 May 2012 0:46

If OP's husband had posted this incident as an FML there would be a lot more YDI..

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Thursday 24 May 2012 1:34

My question is did op know he was this dumb when she married him? If so then she shouldn't be surprised. Op leave his butt in jail for a day or two so you can work on your "I am so disappointed in you" face.

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Thursday 24 May 2012 2:54

I wonder if he was in a prius

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Thursday 24 May 2012 3:30

55- you mean like 69's pic?

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Thursday 24 May 2012 4:18

Why does everyone hate the Prius ... Oh yeah I hate it too.

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Thursday 24 May 2012 4:51

Kia's are for straight men.

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Thursday 24 May 2012 5:11

"You were drag racing in a prius?" reply: "I don't win a lot..."

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Thursday 24 May 2012 6:24

It's a quote from Horrible Bosses. Loved that part. And personally, I love my Prius.

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Thursday 24 May 2012 6:41

"Its like a tampon on wheels". Other guys.

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Thursday 24 May 2012 17:32

Then the drag race would have reached a maximum speed of 36mph.

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Wednesday 17 July 2013 5:15

I don't win a lot.

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Thursday 24 May 2012 0:01

Wow.

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Thursday 24 May 2012 0:02

Thanks for that stinky, well done.

kickuwithmyfist 1

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Thursday 24 May 2012 1:44

World Of Warcraft?

sarahlouise0506 10

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Thursday 24 May 2012 8:13

Words of Wisdom? Clearly not.

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Thursday 24 May 2012 14:30

Worst of the worsts?

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Saturday 26 May 2012 16:59

6- your welcome

missanderson813 4

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Thursday 24 May 2012 0:01

Shouldnt bail him out. He needs to learn from his stupidity.

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Thursday 24 May 2012 3:34

Yeah and it is strong in this one.

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Thursday 24 May 2012 0:01

This guy knows how to enjoy the finer things in life. Although, I wouldn't bail him out. He can learn from his very idiotic mistakes.

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Thursday 24 May 2012 0:04

Double thumbs up. Fun as it sounds, there are just some things you CAN'T do without repercussions.

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Thursday 24 May 2012 1:58

With that level of idiocy, I think OPs husband is better off in jail indeed.

keepmeonthedl 7

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Thursday 24 May 2012 0:01

Is it wrong that I think you should let him stay there for a night? Maybe that would scare some sense into him.

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Thursday 24 May 2012 0:52

Yeah the scared straight program for adults.

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Thursday 24 May 2012 5:23

Something tells me he won't be scared "straight" if he's in jail.

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Thursday 24 May 2012 6:12

Well this guy obviously isnt a pussy. So a few days in a county jail probably wouldn't do much.

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Thursday 24 May 2012 0:02

He might have thought he was a hobbit going past Isengard. "The closer we are to danger, the farther we are from harm! It's the last thing they'll expect."

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Thursday 24 May 2012 1:51

I was thinking the same thing.

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Thursday 24 May 2012 8:08

If you couldn't tell, I was watching LOTR2 when I posted that lol

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Friday 25 May 2012 2:43

Lol nice! i luv LOTR

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Thursday 24 May 2012 0:02

You married him and his stupidity. Happiness to the both of you...

nofearjenshere 12

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Thursday 24 May 2012 0:03

He deserves to be in jail for the night! I cant believe someone could be that dumb.

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Thursday 24 May 2012 2:45

There you go thumbed u up

ohmandapants 16

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Thursday 24 May 2012 3:49

^ do you want a cookie? Just the thumb up would have sufficed. 10-Lots of people are that dumb unfortunately...somehow natural selection allowed it...

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Thursday 24 May 2012 4:43

Wait! If I thumb her up do I get a cookie? Or were you joking?

nofearjenshere 12

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Thursday 24 May 2012 4:50

I'll give you a cookie! Free cookies for everyone!!

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Thursday 24 May 2012 4:57

Thank you! I'm always down for some cookies.

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Thursday 24 May 2012 5:02

Damn 82 she threw you under the bus haha

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Thursday 24 May 2012 0:03

I bet it was something like "I bet you don't have the balls to drag race in front of the police".....well we can see how it ended

thiscrazything 1

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Thursday 24 May 2012 4:09

Or maybe they were too drunk to pick a route that didn't include the PD.

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Thursday 24 May 2012 0:03

I hope, for your sake, you don't have any kids with him. At some point, we all have to grow up. Apparently he hasn't reached that point yet.