Today, my husband called me in the middle of the morning. He... - FML

By Anonymous - 23/5/2012 21:14 - United States

Today, my husband called me in the middle of the morning. He was in jail and wanted me to bail him out. Not only was he stupid enough to go drunk drag-racing with his buddies, their route took them straight past the front of the local police precinct. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27353

You deserved it

3359

Tweet

Share

Fear factor

Does it taste good?

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

By Anonymous - 1/7/2015 17:54 - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, I spent nearly half an hour looking for my favourite pair of shoes. I ended up getting so pissed off that I accused my boyfriend of stealing them. He then pointed out that I was wearing them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13783

You deserved it

34025

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 28/4/2018 01:30

Today, I spent 900 dollars on a ticket for my boyfriend to visit me and he missed the flight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4130

You deserved it

525

Tweet

Share

By uh-oh - 21/7/2009 19:45 - United States

Today, I was taking a shower when my boyfriend suddenly hopped in with me. We were getting a little frisky when my mom's hand unexpectedly came through the curtain, and dropped a condom in the bottom of the shower, all the while saying, "Keep it safe kids!". FML

I agree, your life sucks

60705

You deserved it

30542

Tweet

Share

By Piano999 - 21/2/2010 07:41 - United States

Today, I lied to my crush telling him I can play the piano. To 'prove' it, I recorded a video on my phone of a girl playing a beautiful piece. After I sent it, I realized my mouse cursor was in the center of the page the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5363

You deserved it

61887

Tweet

Share

By jonchavez - 29/5/2014 23:46 - United States - Trenton

Today, a girl asked me out on a date to some hot springs, about 2 hours away. After a mile hike, the springs were finally in sight. She then slipped and cut her shin open. I had carry her the mile back and drive her the 2 hours to the ER, where her parents, whom I'd never met, were waiting. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53318

You deserved it

4653

Tweet

Share

By faux ma - 29/4/2012 03:06 - United States - Winter Park

Today, I told the hairdresser that my kid had cut my hair. I don't have kids. I was just really drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8149

You deserved it

32574

Tweet

Share

By eggman 583 - 13/9/2016 21:12 - United States - Massapequa

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I was, "trying to change her." A week ago I asked her to stop talking to the 6 guys that have all previously asked her for nudes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12432

You deserved it

1151

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 10/11/2010 17:14 - United States

Today, I tried opening a can for the first time using a manual can opener. I tried for a half hour to open a can of ravioli, mutilating the can in the process. Only after watching five Youtube videos on how to use a manual can opener did I notice the pull-tab on the top of the ravioli can. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8823

You deserved it

65507

Tweet

Share

By Haitwun - 8/12/2014 02:18 - United States - El Monte

Today, my girlfriend decided to treat me out to dinner and cake for my birthday. My mom felt left out and yelled at my girlfriend in an angry tirade. My girlfriend went home. I'm spending my birthday, alone in my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36122

You deserved it

2895

Tweet

Share

By bradyman - 29/12/2010 15:09 - United States

Today, I went to the dentist after not being there for 3 years. I was told that I had loads of cavities and that I would need to pay $3,000 for a serious mouth surgery. The reason I hadn't been to the dentist in 3 years: I've been married to a dentist for 3 years that said my teeth were "perfect." FML

I agree, your life sucks

40204

You deserved it

6098

Tweet

Share

By Lameartist - 12/2/2012 10:36

Today, I had just finished an elaborate charcoal drawing as part of a college application that took a good week. When I read over the requirements, I found out it needed to be done in graphite pencil. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16507

You deserved it

37707

Tweet

Share

By thanks, dad... - 30/8/2013 17:24 - Romania - Baia Mare

Today, I was playing with my phone after midnight, and I kept getting calls from a withheld number. The guy just breathed heavily and wouldn't speak. When the third call came, I asked "who the hell are you?" The call ended, and my dad yelled from outside my door: "ME! Now go to sleep!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

42997

You deserved it

14399

Tweet

Share

By seriously? - 22/12/2012 22:19 - United States - Spring

Today, while talking to my boyfriend, he got upset and accused me of making up words to make him feel stupid. All because I used the word "vapid." FML

I agree, your life sucks

30408

You deserved it

7554

Tweet

Share

By mysidesaresplitting - 14/12/2012 06:44 - United States - Oxford

Today, I had the pleasure of finding out how it feels to poop with 3 broken ribs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33290

You deserved it

2215

Tweet

Share

By halfmypaycheckgone - 5/2/2013 18:59 - United States - Monroe

Today, a state trooper ticketed me after learning I was ticketed for the same offense an hour earlier, namely driving with a broken headlight. The good news is that both tickets will be dismissed if I go to court. The bad news is that I'd have to go to different courthouses at the same time of day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33850

You deserved it

4195

Tweet

Share

By Kaite - 3/5/2018 01:30

Today, I was working at Subway when a middle-aged lady demanded that I give her a sandwich for free. When I refused, she took out a spray bottle of water and sprayed me in the face, like a cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4480

You deserved it

254

Tweet

Share

By jessii - 9/10/2010 08:22 - United States

Today, in math class, I got an answer "wrong." The teacher yelled at me, then he realized that my answer was correct. Then he yelled at me for not correcting him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35726

You deserved it

3067

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 26/5/2020 05:00

Captain Dumbass

Today, after my husband spent several days in his shed welding, he showed me his completed Captain America shield. It looked shit. I warned him not to throw it, but he threw it anyway, missed his target, bounced it off the garage and smashed the kitchen window, showering our kids in glass. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1566

You deserved it

176

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 7/12/2019 05:00 - United Kingdom - London

Nice outing

Today, I decided to treat my girlfriend by eating her out. After a while I thought she was going to cum, but instead she farted in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2135

You deserved it

600

Tweet

Share

By yourewelcome - 5/12/2014 02:04 - United States - Gainesville

Today, I thought I was doing a nice thing when I spent hundreds of dollars to get my friend a plane ticket home. She yelled at me when I gave it to her. Turns out, she planned on spending a few more months freeloading off me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33640

You deserved it

3399

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 9/10/2012 16:03 - Canada - Montreal

Today, at work, my buddy pulled up in his car. I handed him $40, and he handed me a bag. It must have looked like a drug deal, but he was actually just smuggling in the new Pokémon game for me. I'm 22, and a drug deal would probably have been less embarrassing to explain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22664

You deserved it

7873

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 8/2/2010 18:23 - United States

Today, I got ice cream with a guy I'd met at a wrestling match a few days ago. When I got home, I found out that my mother had been sitting in the parking lot and watched us through the windows. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30184

You deserved it

2798

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 9/11/2010 11:13 - India

Today, I saw an old homeless man who had just fallen down due to his drinking. Everyone laughed at him, but I felt bad, so I went to help him up. My reward? A quick punch in the face, landing me in the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31795

You deserved it

6015

Tweet

Share

By OnlyMee - 9/7/2011 04:32 - United States

Today, at my ex's wedding, I had to listen to his joyful recounting of how he met his bride and how they fell instantly in love and he knew she was perfect for him. All this happened while we were still dating. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39749

You deserved it

9913

Tweet

Share

By humiliated - 14/1/2011 16:28 - United Kingdom

Today, a friend asked me to come with her to the art building at school, so I could pose in the stance of a figure she was drawing for her exam. I obliged and sat for the pose. When the art teacher walked by she looked at me, then at the sketch, pointed to the legs and said, "make them fatter". FML

I agree, your life sucks

28784

You deserved it

4329

Tweet

Share

By hipprep83 - 20/3/2009 17:40 - United States

Today, I found a bell that had been tied into the tassel of my ski hat by my twin sister as part of a longstanding prank war between us. I'm deaf and have apparently been jingling like an elf for over a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

145401

You deserved it

12374

Tweet

Share

By bonbon789 - 27/3/2014 18:10 - United States

Today, I wanted to eat my last bowl of sugary cereal before starting my new diet. I fell down the stairs with the full bowl in hand. Message received, universe. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42542

You deserved it

8048

Tweet

Share

By BarBacked - 15/4/2013 07:31 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor to inquire about the nasty rash on my arms. He concluded that I'm allergic to beer and the rash will go away if I stay away from it. I'm a bartender. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54441

You deserved it

4069

Tweet

Share

By driven_crazy - 12/12/2014 19:52 - United States - Newark

Today, my boss threw a pre-Christmas party at work. He always uses them to rant at us and tell us to be better employees. When the speech began, the alarm I have set for my daily birth control went off. It's the sound of an obnoxious screaming child. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31776

You deserved it

7919

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 3/2/2012 04:23 - United States

Today, I took off my sweatshirt in the middle of class. The tanktop I was wearing underneath went with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34262

You deserved it

8161

Tweet

Share

By Champignon - 1/11/2013 14:17 - Belgium - Brasschaat

Today, during dinner, my mom told my dad and me in great detail about the "awesome" new cosmetic surgery idea she just had: constructing earlobes for lobeless ears, using skin taken from women's labia. I was forced to sit through this until I finished my plate. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47132

You deserved it

4249

Tweet

Share

By fattymcbutterpants - 19/6/2011 05:19 - United States

Today, I'm a nanny. After the kids went to bed the dog wouldn't stop barking violently unless I held the end of a blanket for him to hump. I need a raise. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36648

You deserved it

3491

Tweet

Share

By Skittlezzz0901 - 21/3/2017 19:00 - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, my manager said I could go on a break when he came back from his. After 7 hours with him still missing, I started to get dizzy. I ended up passing out and hitting my head on a ladder from lack of food. I woke up in the hospital to a card from my manager saying, "Get Well. Don't Sue." FML

I agree, your life sucks

6387

You deserved it

498

Tweet

Share

By a816090 - 27/5/2019 18:09

Today, I got written up because I took a dump at work that lasted longer than 5 minutes, and I didn't punch out for it as a "paid break." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1945

You deserved it

126

Tweet

Share

By skreweduP - 15/6/2009 23:57 - United States

Today, I went on a date with this guy and he was on his phone the whole night. When I got home I checked his facebook since he barely paid attention to me. His status was, "So-and-so is taking out the trash" from mobile posted an hour ago. I got home from my date 30 mins ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41142

You deserved it

3761

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 19/12/2013 20:52 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I canceled my Gamefly account. Seems that was the only thing keeping us together. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40944

You deserved it

4378

Tweet

Share

By Thalassophobic - 21/7/2009 05:32 - United States

Today, I went to the beach. I was in the ocean and I looked over my shoulder and saw a big black spot. Knowing that there were big crabs on the beach, I screamed. Everyone in the water heard including the lifeguards. It turns out it was just my shadow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10618

You deserved it

51722

Tweet

Share

By creeped - 29/12/2010 00:50 - United States

Today, I was talking to the guy that has been in love with me for two years. He said "There is a shortage of perfect breasts in the world. It would be a shame to lose yours." He then creepily looked at me and said "It's true." Thanks, Princess Bride, for supplying creepers with material. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26599

You deserved it

4517

Tweet

Share

By shay786 - 5/5/2020 17:00

My eyes!

Today, I heard grunting and then realized it was my tenant with his boyfriend. When I went down to do my laundry, I caught them in the act. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1454

You deserved it

253

Tweet

Share

By inhaler -.- - 6/10/2013 05:20 - United States - Huntsville

Today, it was my first time having a make out session with my boyfriend. I got so nervous that a few minutes into it, I had to stop to take my inhaler. This happened twice more afterwards. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52359

You deserved it

5694

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By hatesfate | 6

#4473520 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:01

Please don't have children with this idiot. Genes as stupid as those need to stop spreading..

By missanderson813 | 4

#4473525 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:01

Shouldnt bail him out. He needs to learn from his stupidity.

Comments

By hatesfate | 6

#4473520 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:01

Please don't have children with this idiot. Genes as stupid as those need to stop spreading..

Reply

thatgurltori | 6

#4473595 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:20

he's a keeper.

Reply

chowE_fml | 4

#4473618 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:28

Hope OP doesn't bail him out. He deserves some "vroom" to his butt

Reply

mjoyn98 | 1

#4473649 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:46

If OP's husband had posted this incident as an FML there would be a lot more YDI..

Reply

itsame0987 | 18

#4474435 - Thursday 24 May 2012 1:34

My question is did op know he was this dumb when she married him? If so then she shouldn't be surprised. Op leave his butt in jail for a day or two so you can work on your "I am so disappointed in you" face.

Reply

alexup24 | 13

#4474623 - Thursday 24 May 2012 2:54

I wonder if he was in a prius

Reply

Meettitan | 14

#4474721 - Thursday 24 May 2012 3:30

55- you mean like 69's pic?

Reply

winnerme123 | 8

#4474812 - Thursday 24 May 2012 4:18

Why does everyone hate the Prius ...
Oh yeah I hate it too.

Reply

Boygenius50 | 8

#4474880 - Thursday 24 May 2012 4:51

Kia's are for straight men.

Reply

alexup24 | 13

#4474926 - Thursday 24 May 2012 5:11

"You were drag racing in a prius?" reply: "I don't win a lot..."

Reply

Sparks808 | 10

#4475077 - Thursday 24 May 2012 6:24

It's a quote from Horrible Bosses. Loved that part. And personally, I love my Prius.

Reply

taco_bender | 12

#4475100 - Thursday 24 May 2012 6:41

"Its like a tampon on wheels". Other guys.

Reply

skyeyez9 | 24

#4476629 - Thursday 24 May 2012 17:32

Then the drag race would have reached a maximum speed of 36mph.

Reply

TheDoctor10 | 28

#5584253 - Wednesday 17 July 2013 5:15

I don't win a lot.

By stinkystu7 | 0

#4473521 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:01

Wow.

Reply

jewfroditmer | 7

#4473528 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:02

Thanks for that stinky, well done.

Reply

kickuwithmyfist | 1

#4474457 - Thursday 24 May 2012 1:44

World Of Warcraft?

Reply

sarahlouise0506 | 10

#4475217 - Thursday 24 May 2012 8:13

Words of Wisdom?
Clearly not.

Reply

free2speak | 14

#4476025 - Thursday 24 May 2012 14:30

Worst of the worsts?

Reply

#4484764 - Saturday 26 May 2012 16:59

6- your welcome

By missanderson813 | 4

#4473525 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:01

Shouldnt bail him out. He needs to learn from his stupidity.

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#4474730 - Thursday 24 May 2012 3:34

Yeah and it is strong in this one.

By SkoomaKi | 27

#4473526 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:01

This guy knows how to enjoy the finer things in life.

Although, I wouldn't bail him out. He can learn from his very idiotic mistakes.

Reply

Axipiter | 24

#4473546 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:04

Double thumbs up. Fun as it sounds, there are just some things you CAN'T do without repercussions.

Reply

NoisyNykkii | 10

#4474490 - Thursday 24 May 2012 1:58

With that level of idiocy, I think OPs husband is better off in jail indeed.

By keepmeonthedl | 7

#4473527 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:01

Is it wrong that I think you should let him stay there for a night? Maybe that would scare some sense into him.

Reply

COOL__Coal | 12

#4473669 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:52

Yeah the scared straight program for adults.

Reply

Vegeto30294 | 19

#4474950 - Thursday 24 May 2012 5:23

Something tells me he won't be scared "straight" if he's in jail.

Reply

shadowcat13 | 0

#4475056 - Thursday 24 May 2012 6:12

Well this guy obviously isnt a pussy. So a few days in a county jail probably wouldn't do much.

By airforce987 | 20

#4473530 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:02

He might have thought he was a hobbit going past Isengard. "The closer we are to danger, the farther we are from harm! It's the last thing they'll expect."

Reply

coldashell | 23

#4474484 - Thursday 24 May 2012 1:51

I was thinking the same thing.

Reply

airforce987 | 20

#4475209 - Thursday 24 May 2012 8:08

If you couldn't tell, I was watching LOTR2 when I posted that lol

Reply

ChloeC926 | 9

#4478615 - Friday 25 May 2012 2:43

Lol nice! i luv LOTR

By doglover569 | 0

#4473531 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:02

You married him and his stupidity. Happiness to the both of you...

By nofearjenshere | 12

#4473538 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:03

He deserves to be in jail for the night! I cant believe someone could be that dumb.

Reply

mmike13 | 2

#4474610 - Thursday 24 May 2012 2:45

There you go thumbed u up

Reply

ohmandapants | 16

#4474748 - Thursday 24 May 2012 3:49

^ do you want a cookie? Just the thumb up would have sufficed.

10-Lots of people are that dumb unfortunately...somehow natural selection allowed it...

Reply

ChrisG93 | 8

#4474865 - Thursday 24 May 2012 4:43

Wait! If I thumb her up do I get a cookie? Or were you joking?

Reply

nofearjenshere | 12

#4474878 - Thursday 24 May 2012 4:50

I'll give you a cookie! Free cookies for everyone!!

Reply

ChrisG93 | 8

#4474898 - Thursday 24 May 2012 4:57

Thank you! I'm always down for some cookies.

Reply

ICastillo | 24

#4474907 - Thursday 24 May 2012 5:02

Damn 82 she threw you under the bus haha

By Michael_92 | 20

#4473539 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:03

I bet it was something like "I bet you don't have the balls to drag race in front of the police".....well we can see how it ended

Reply

thiscrazything | 1

#4474787 - Thursday 24 May 2012 4:09

Or maybe they were too drunk to pick a route that didn't include the PD.

By thatKidzmOm | 10

#4473541 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:03

I hope, for your sake, you don't have any kids with him. At some point, we all have to grow up. Apparently he hasn't reached that point yet.