Work: Today, I was to give a presentation to several of my company's... - FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was to give a presentation to several of my company's senior employees. The moment I stood up, I accidentally let rip a monstrous fart that lasted a good two or three seconds. When I tried to utter an apology, I clammed up and let out a whiny grunt. They were not amused. FML

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Understandable

Out of it

Big bastard boss

By Rowansgonnarow

Today, a girl I recently slept with messaged me, explaining through a rendition of "Call Me Maybe" that she'd given me chlamydia. FML

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By pinkplasticjesus - Canada

Today, I went to a restaurant and only brought $14 with me to eat. I ordered and ate my meal, then went to the counter to pay for it. I threw $2 into the tip jar then got my bill. My bill was $13.86. I had to reach into the tip jar and take my $2 back so I could pay for my meal. FML

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By Mortified - 31/3/2020 14:00

On the can

Today, I was using the bathroom at Costco when a janitor forced my door open so she could mop, then didn't bother to close it again. Apparently, the handicapped stall was too big for her to see me sitting in the corner, and I had to awkwardly squat-walk all the way to the door to close it. FML

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By Awahso - United States - Buford

Today, I had to buy a new boxcutter for work after our old one broke. It came in a box, the type which policy requires a boxcutter to open. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Union City

Today, some jackass in an Iron Man mask nailed me in the head with a quarter while I was helping other customers. Minimum wage isn't worth this crap. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I worked a long shift at my job while feeling like crap, anticipating getting a promotion. As my boss was leaving work, he informed me that because I also go to college, the promotion was being given to another employee that I trained a month ago. This is the second time this has happened. FML

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By daRN - Bahrain

Today, my sister just had a huge fight with my mom. After that, she thought it was appropriate to smash my $1,000 guitar to "blow off some steam." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend decided to let me know that she almost left me for another guy not so long ago, because he was more handsome and talented than me. The reason she didn't leave: "He's out of my league; you're not." FML

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By ScaredDad

Today, I needed to grab something from the garage. As soon as the door closed, I heard a little click sound. My one-year-old seems to have figured out the door lock. FML

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By JobHunter - Malta

Today, on my way to work I stopped at a winery and spent around $120 on 2 bottles of wine for my boss, since it was his birthday. When I gave him the gift, in exchange he let me know I am being laid off - his consolation was "if you can afford this wine I'm sure you'll be OK". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I turned 18. My parents remembered that I loved German chocolate cake, so I awoke to a hot, fudge-filled chocolate cake with a slice cut out just for me. I've been lactose-intolerant for 8 years. As I cried, my mom handed me tissues, while eating the "Happy" part of my cake. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had sex with a guy I'd had a crush on for a long time. When I asked if he was having trouble putting it in, he answered that he was fully in. FML

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By boogerbrain - United States

Today, I was looking at my wedding pictures I had just ordered and I tried to flick something off one of the pictures, but it wouldn't come off. In a panic I quickly looked through all of my pictures and realized that I had a booger sticking out of my nose. No one told me. FML

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By vanessa_d15 - Canada

Today, I was together with a few of my friends when I got up the courage to confess I have an eating disorder. One of my friends then said "... but you're not skinny." FML

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By Vincent - United States - Overland Park

Today, I asked my mom why she had two tooth brushes: one manual and one electric. She said: "I only use the manual one for brushing my teeth." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I asked my parents if I had a college fund because I will be going to university in two years. They laughed. FML

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By ThreeTimesUnlucky - South Africa - Edenvale

Today, I received another letter of rejection from the university of my dreams. I got it the first time, but thanks for reminding me. FML

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By forever1990 - United States - York

Today, I'm getting married. A few months ago, I allowed my mother in-law to take care of catering. She begged to be a part of the wedding, so I gave her the caterer's number and order info. It appears that I will not be eating at my own wedding because she decided to order food I'm allergic to. FML

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By Sua - Canada - Calgary

Today, my English teacher handed back my creative story assignment with a 74% on it. Apparently, she docked 10% because I had an unrealistic, overly dramatic plot line. That plot line was based on my life. FML

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By MetalisLife

Today, I thought I died in the shower. I was very intensely playing air guitar while simultaneously headbanging. I punched myself in the dick. FML

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By bananapie69 - 10/4/2020 20:00

Social distancing gone wrong

Today, waiting in the deli line at the store, a woman stood directly next to me. I panicked and tried to move back to get a 6-foot distance, but in my panic I didn’t realize there was a stand behind me. I almost fell over, so I gasped super loud. Everyone looked at me like I was crazy. FML

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By etgohome - Canada - Kingston

Today, I almost got run over on my bike by a truck who raced through a red light. After narrowly avoiding a collision, the car slowed down. Instead of apologizing for almost killing me, the driver stuck his head out of the window and yelled, "Nice ass!" FML

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By Hungryman - France

Today, I ordered a Diet Coke with my meal from a fast food restaurant. Turns out, they didn't give me diet. My blood sugar spiked and I was sick for hours later. I'm a diabetic. FML

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By Discipl - Canada - Waterloo

Today, I strained so hard while on the toilet that I gave myself a nosebleed. FML

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By Squeak - United States - Fort Bragg

Poor Despereaux

Today, I baked a cake. After feeding it to my entire family, I opened the stove, planning to temporarily store the cake inside. I then noticed a mouse, burnt to a crisp. FML

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By fEk - Australia

Today, I couldn't find my reading glasses, thinking perhaps i'd dropped them outside, I stepped off my deck bare foot, straight into a steaming dog turd. Only to see my glasses chewed up a few feet away. It went between my toes. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I wrote to the guy whom I am in love with how I feel about him. He was very calm and told me to give him some time to think it over. Later in the day, I found out he blocked my number and rejected me on facebook. But, the worse part is he then texted me saying "This is my reply". FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I woke up without my fiancé in bed next to me, but I assumed he'd gone to work early. I went on Facebook to find that he had posted a break-up post to himself from my account and set my status to single. I then found a note with "Sorry" written on it stuck to the kitchen counter. FML

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By EricCartman - United States

Today, I was riding the bus home from school. I was sitting by myself, and my backpack was occupying the seat next to me. A hot girl boarded the bus, and was standing right where I was sitting. I placed my backpack on my lap, freeing up the seat. The girl stood the entire bus ride. FML

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By broke bitch - United States - Hampton

Today, I got a call from my cable company in regards to a bill I didn't pay. I paid the bill two weeks ago in full, but they never told me the account changed when my name was put on the account. So now I owe $170 more, and my ex-roommate is getting a $140 refund in the mail. FML

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By Elizabeth Ann

Today, I was at work for almost two hours today before realizing I had marinara sauce on my face. My coworkers didn’t say anything because I’m really clumsy and they figured it was blood, and therefore not unusual. FML

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By - 5/11/2020 23:03

Crashtony Cartano here

Today, my husband sped my car up to 80 in a 30, and almost crashed, which would have killed us both. What did I do to set him off? I played a song he didn't like. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I realized the only reason I chose to lose weight is that I can never cross the crosswalk fast enough. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gurnee

Today, my tiny apartment flooded. My family lives out of state and the few friends I have all gave me B.S. excuses for why I can't stay over for a few nights. I'm so broke this month that I'll probably have to hit up my psycho ex. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2020 14:11

Free healthcare for all

Today, I had to attend an appointment and was told I should be prepared to be in hospital all day, so I booked a day off work. The appointment was trivial and lasted 10 minutes. I work paycheque to paycheque to feed myself and 2 kids, and even missing one day will hurt by the end of the month. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I was ringing an elderly gentleman up at work. As I went to package up the buns he ordered, he held up a hand and told me to wait. He then looked me in the eyes, started squeezing them, then winked and told me to go ahead. I've never felt so violated. FML

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By hotpatata - United States

Today, I sneezed my jaw out of socket. Yes, this is possible. FML

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By FUSMC - United States

Today, I came home on leave from a 7 month deployment to Iraq. I wanted to see my girlfriend today, but she needed to spend time with her sick grandmother. As it turns out, her sick grandmother and my cousin are the same person. FML

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By Really - United States - Middletown

Today, my professor let a guy into my philosophy class 30 minutes late because his excuse was, "Time is just an illusion." This is the same professor that kicked me out of the classroom for being 2 minutes late. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend threw boiling water at me to get me off my phone. It worked, but now I'm burned. FML

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Top comments

By SkoomaKi | 27

#4473540 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:03

They were not amused because you didn't light your fart on fire, it would've given a more explosive start to the presentation.

By Sinsation | 7

#4473523 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:01

Silence is not so Golden.

COMMENTS

By Sinsation | 7

#4473523 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:01

Silence is not so Golden.

Reply

RaggleFrock | 13

#4473544 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:04

And smelly

Reply

causticgirl | 6

#4473565 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:09

You will now forever be known as "Sir Farts A Lot" or "Mc Stinky" around the office. Time to start looking for new employment.

Reply

chowE_fml | 4

#4473622 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:30

Now op will be the 'Butt' of all the office jokes.

Reply

kayla_ann0o | 9

#4473666 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:50

It's that kind of moment that calls for a "that was easy" button. Keeps it less awkward.

Reply

randii_17 | 11

#4473674 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:52

I'm surprised that top comment isn't quoting the movie Step Brothers. I couldn't be the only one thinking it...

Reply

amandajlucas2015 | 2

#4474469 - Thursday 24 May 2012 1:46

The only reason they don't find it funny is because they are stuck up assholes who don't think their shit stinks but believe me it does it all does

Reply

nictransitglory | 4

#4474666 - Thursday 24 May 2012 3:09

But it can be deadly

Reply

cr3ativity | 15

#4474855 - Thursday 24 May 2012 4:38

It could possibly brown instead

Reply

hatesfate | 6

#4475264 - Thursday 24 May 2012 8:42

Actually the poop particals as a result of a fart could be brown... The gas from a fart can not be seen by the naked eye...

Don't believe me? Ask someone to fart while you put your eye to their ass... Just be careful of pink eye. ;-)

Reply

ProfessionalTrol_fml | 14

#4476518 - Thursday 24 May 2012 16:56

Did you give everyone in the room a pink eye?

By Devin91 | 20

#4473524 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:01

Hopefully you did a hell of a presentation. But the embarrassment will blow over soon, no need to stress over the small stuff.

Reply

kikiray | 3

#4473597 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:20

Lol blow over.. No pun intended...

Reply

chowE_fml | 4

#4474347 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:58

Won't blow over completely until OP checks their undies for accidental poo

Reply

1poohbear5 | 7

#4474492 - Thursday 24 May 2012 1:59

By the sound of it, it wasn't small haha

Reply

yasssx3 | 6

#4475011 - Thursday 24 May 2012 5:49

It's one of those moments where you're never gonna get over it. As in like 3 years later your still gonna be like 'Mother of God' and be just as embarrassed as the first time.

Reply

dannyice | 2

#4475987 - Thursday 24 May 2012 14:19

Isn't it 'oh god, why'

By gamercanadian | 11

#4473535 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:03

Come to think of it I don't remember the last time I had those monstrous farts..... Oh wait that yesterday, during my presentation.

Reply

The_Troller | 14

#4474378 - Thursday 24 May 2012 1:15

Who are you talking to?

Reply

AwkwardPartyBear | 24

#4474712 - Thursday 24 May 2012 3:25

#38 Himself.

By SkoomaKi | 27

#4473540 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:03

They were not amused because you didn't light your fart on fire, it would've given a more explosive start to the presentation.

Reply

Mariebaz | 11

#4474539 - Thursday 24 May 2012 2:16

For all we know, it could well have been explosive.

Reply

EnterSandman_fml | 20

#4474570 - Thursday 24 May 2012 2:28

There's more than one way to get an audience fired up. They'll have a blast I'm sure.

Reply

ShyAnn29 | 14

#4475236 - Thursday 24 May 2012 8:25

Can you imagine explaining the explosion?

Fireman: So, how'd this happen?
OP: Well, um.....I thought I'd light my fart, but I had a bigger fart than usual, and it exploded

Reply

ShyAnn29 | 14

#4475238 - Thursday 24 May 2012 8:26

That really was funnier in my mind lol

Reply

ShyAnn29 | 14

#4475243 - Thursday 24 May 2012 8:28

This app is messing up, sorry

Reply

ScaughtieHolden | 11

#4475699 - Thursday 24 May 2012 12:09

Sounds like it was the longest 2 or 3 seconds of OP's life.

By Michael_92 | 20

#4473548 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:05

That's one way to make sure all eyes are on you.

By ralenti | 3

#4473550 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:05

this makes me cringe so much. i feel bad for you. :-(

Reply

nofearjenshere | 12

#4473562 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:08

How exactly does this make you cringe?

Reply

SkoomaKi | 27

#4473602 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:21

How would you not cringe? OP was in front of SENIOR employees and let out a 2-3 second fart. It's incredibly embarrassing and very cringe-worthy.

Reply

reddudeover | 2

#4473617 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:28

11 - it's called EMPATHY, I cringe from the embarrassment op must have felt letting out a wet shart in front of important colleagues.

Reply

hecallsmedarlin | 7

#4474351 - Thursday 24 May 2012 1:00

28 - ew. I do not believe op said anything about it being wet... In that case he would of mentioned about asking for a few minutes to go change... I hope anyway.

By ICastillo | 24

#4473553 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:06

Well at least all the pressure is gone. Well you let them have a whiff of your smelf.

By Doribella98 | 14

#4473554 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:06

They should understand that sometimes farts are hard to hold in- and that they can be random. Hope your presentation was great, though.

Reply

Roflsauruz | 12

#4473615 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:27

Maybe if it was so hard to hold it in, he could...plug it?

With... Something......

O_o

Reply

geko911 | 22

#4474406 - Thursday 24 May 2012 1:22

What? Stick your finger down your skirt and up your ass and hope it works? Make a ball with a sheet of paper and try to make it fit down there? Ooohhh well yes genius that's a marvelous idea!

By nofearjenshere | 12

#4473555 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:06

That is the kind of moment when you play it off with humor.

Reply

ICastillo | 24

#4473608 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:22

Ya he should have been like did you guys here that barking spider?

Reply

kayla_ann0o | 9

#4473679 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:52

No he shoulda said " hey guys you hear that asshole talking shit behind me?"

By theneatoburrito | 8

#4473570 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:10

That's the moment you try to play it cool.
Just be like, "Ahhhh, sorry bros. I've been holding that one in all day!".