By Pantsontheground - United States - New York

Looking like a fool...

Today, my pants kept falling down. Since I didn't have a belt on, I decided to tuck the waistband around my underwear to keep them in place. While on a date, I tried to adjust my pants, but ended up pulling them down along with my boxers. In the middle of a restaurant. FML

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Messed up

Go anyway, see the sights

Mr Sensitivity

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother asked my live-in girlfriend if she's had any problems with me peeing the bed. I haven't wet the bed since I was seven and I'd hoped to take that secret to my grave. FML

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By pixie - United States

Today, I had sex for the first time with a guy. After he passionately made love to me, I turned to him and said "you smell really good." He turned to me and said "You don't." FML

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By wolfwolfy - Canada

Today, I was on a first date. When the bill came, he refused to pay for my $6 salad. I had to go ATM-hunting to pay for my $6 salad. FML

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By thedudeman14 - United States - Deer Park

Today, my phone died while I was on the phone with my girlfriend. When I finally got a charger, I saw a text message from her. I'm now single. FML

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By alliwantisabandaid

Today, I cut my finger deep on an envelope at work and started bleeding profusely. When I asked my co-worker for a band-aid, she told me to get back to work and stop making up excuses to try and hit on her. FML

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By michelle91 - Malaysia

Today, while stepping out of the shower, I slipped and cut my head. I went to the hospital, got 8 stitches and was tested for head trauma. After hours of ignoring my calls and texts, my girlfriend finally responded, very angrily. Why? Today is her birthday, and I "selfishly made it about me." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Scarsdale

Today, knowing that I have been in a lot of stress lately, my friend tried to teach me how to meditate. Eventually, I ended up in a deeply relaxed state in which my mind was completely clear. When I snapped out of it, I realized I'd peed myself. FML

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By Jake Leiter - United States - Grantham

Today, for what has seemed to be the hundredth time, my labeled bagged lunch was stolen from the fridge at my workplace. I stormed into my boss's office ready to complain, only to find him eating it. FML

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By bkay26 - United States

Today, I walked in on my mom giving my dad head. Acting like I hadn't seen anything, I asked if I could use a towel sitting on the dresser. My mom said, "No, we're going to need that one." FML

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By BaliTheDog - France

Today, I was walking my dog when he stopped in the middle of the street and took a dump. I looked around furtively but saw nobody, so I just kept walking. I stepped in it on the way back home. FML

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By a person - United States

Today, during my choral concert, I was helping turn the pages for the pianist who was accompanying the singers. In the middle of the song, one of the pages slipped and fell into his crotch area. In a panic, I frantically reached to grab the music. Well, I grabbed something. It wasn't the music. FML

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By bubbashrek - United States

Today, I realized my soon to be ex wife is stalking me online. Everytime I block her she creates a new profile. She left me 9 months ago. FML

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By single - Canada

The Boxer

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 3 years. I checked the box with the ring to make sure it was still there, and saw a piece of paper in it. It said, "No." FML

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By shirley - Spain

Today, I tried a new sugar scrub soap that's supposed to help get rid of cellulite. I didn't read the instructions correctly and now as well as still having the cellulite, my butt looks like I got a massage from an angry cat. FML

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By Mo. - 3/10/2020 01:13 - United States

Rock and a hard place

Today, I found out my postpartum pain is indeed because of a cyst. No, my doctors can’t drain it and relive the pain because of scar tissue. And yes, it hurts around my lady bits and in my butthole, because the cyst wraps around everything. It’s either wait it out in extreme pain or surgery. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, it was a hot day and a woman walking in front of me collapsed. I helped her up, and I called an ambulance while she laid down. While we waited, two teenage girls walked past and I heard one say to the other, "I love how this city just lets people tan wherever". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ewa Beach

Today, I was taking a piss when a fly landed inside the urinal. I thought it would be funny to try to aim and pee on it until it flew away and I stupidly continued aiming, peeing all over the floor and the wall. Another man came in time to see it. FML

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By Lio - France

Awkward

Today, thinking I was being very generous, I lent my jacket to a new co-worker. I guess I should have checked my pockets before I did, I’m not sure that leaving 3 different flavors of condoms in them made a good impression. FML

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By RobinBunny713 - United States

The Force

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a romantic moment when I made a Star Wars reference. I don't know what's worse, the fact that I said it or the fact that he seemed more turned on by it. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Sudbury

Today, while on a tour bus, our guide told us that "Jimi Hendrix was like, uh, the Miley Cyrus of the '60s." I'm actually a committed pacifist, but I was already halfway out of my seat to choke the pimply-faced twat out before I managed to restrain myself. Now I'm scared of myself. FML

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By Sarah-D

Today, a policeman pulled me over and proceeded to flirt with me. After I had rejected him, he gave me a ticket for "not paying attention to the road". FML

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By Don't text and work - France

Today, at work I got told off by my manager for texting while working. Enraged by this, I trash talked her to the new girl at work. The new girl, a.k.a. my manager's daughter. FML

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By noxiffic - Norway - Sandnes

Today, as I was walking home from work, I got chased halfway home by a wolf. Yes, a wolf. I live in central Norway. FML

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By yashika - United States - Denver

Today, I discovered that it doesn’t matter where I move, I will always wake up at 5 a.m. to the sound of construction directly above my ceiling. FML

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By AlwaysRejected - United States - Fremont

Today, I found out that my so-called "friends" on my Skype group chat have another group chat that contains everyone but me. Apparently, they made it so I would not "disturb" their conversations. FML

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By DF - Israel - Rehovot

Today, I went bowling with my girlfriend, her sister and her brother-in-law, and her niece. After 10 rounds, I came in last place. Her niece is 3 years old. She got twice as many points as me. FML

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By MSguy

Today, I found out that the medication that's been free to me and has given me no noticeable side effects will be $1500 a month for my new insurance. This is a medication used to prevent my MS relapses. FML

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By Godi - United States

Today, I got a call from my girlfriend of 13 months. She told me that she had gotten chlamydia from the guy she cheated on me with, and that I most likely have it too. I gave her a diamond ring, she gave me chlamydia. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, for the first time ever, my boyfriend of one year told me he loved me. He was calling me by collect call from the county jail. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Darwin

Today, I woke up in the shower at my coworker's house, with my clothes on and soaking wet. Apparently, the night before I drank too much and punched my best friend. The sad part is, I passed out on the couch, but somehow ended up in the shower, facing the wrong way. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I applied for a passport. I was told the first set of photos I took were unusable because my face, particularly my chin, didn't fit inside the designated area for your face in the picture. My chin did fit in the frame, my double chin however, did not. FML

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By Guitar-ZERO - United States

Today, my band had a show. We played a love song, and during the bridge, I ask out a friend of mine who was in the crowd, over the mic, in front of at least 200 people. She said no. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Longmont

Bad thought

Today, I found out that my parents have thought I'm lesbian for at least a year. I now understand why my dad has been trying to get me to "hang out" with his co-worker's daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it appears that my upstairs neighbour has decided to learn how to play the trombone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Envy

Today, while watching my guinea pigs have sex, I got jealous. Yeah. It's been that long. FML

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By Wowseriously - United States

Dumpster Fire Boyfriend

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend about how hard it is to wash long hair. While I was talking, he interrupted and said, "Wait, you actually wash your hair?" FML

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By Stingraybeemonster - Thailand

Today, I was snorkeling when a stingray suddenly appeared when I thought I was just looking at sand. It startled me, so my heel made contact with a sea urchin so that then startled me, and my other foot hit another one. FML

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By Losamus

Nice first impression.

Today, I didn't know I had a pill stuck in my throat until I coughed and it flew across the table, narrowly missing the weird guy sitting across from me in the break room. Turns out that weird guy is my new supervisor. FML

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By asdfBUTT - United States

Today, I went swimming in a pond. I came out covered in leeches. Terrified, I screamed, flailed about and cried out for help until half a dozen people ran over. One of them was kind enough to point out that those leeches I was so afraid of were actually patches of mud. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the boy I like came to my house with a dozen roses to ask me to homecoming. My uncle chased him down the street with a pitchfork. FML

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Top comments

By jen_jalapeno | 10

#7673893 - Thursday 9 August 2018 19:49

Wear clothes that fit on dates and ones that don’t at home lol

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7673872 - Thursday 9 August 2018 19:03

"Hey, I didn't order the meat and two veg!"

COMMENTS

By Casey Bullock | 9

#7673863 - Thursday 9 August 2018 18:41

I guess u guys are “all out”

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7673872 - Thursday 9 August 2018 19:03

"Hey, I didn't order the meat and two veg!"

By jen_jalapeno | 10

#7673893 - Thursday 9 August 2018 19:49

Wear clothes that fit on dates and ones that don’t at home lol

By 1gullible_bugger | 33

#7673898 - Thursday 9 August 2018 20:02

Get a belt!

By Luke16eirb7deneuwn1 | 20

#7673909 - Thursday 9 August 2018 20:31

And this, fellow gentlemen is why you ALWAYS wear a belt.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7673914 - Thursday 9 August 2018 20:34

You’re a flasher! Keep practicing that story for the cops, though.

By Davros | 12

#7673924 - Thursday 9 August 2018 20:40

Yell meat gazers as you penguin walk out of the restaurant as fast as you can.

By real life problems | 26

#7673945 - Thursday 9 August 2018 21:12

Well did she order the sausage later or not?

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7673976 - Thursday 9 August 2018 21:58

So will you be seeing her again?

By tounces7 | 27

#7674150 - Friday 10 August 2018 6:16

Well hopefully you're genetically blessed and you might see her again. If not, don't expect a 2nd date.