Valentine's slay, Engagement-phobic and Love: Today, I got married to the man I love even though my whole family...

By young and dumb - United States - Trenton

Today, I got married to the man I love even though my whole family told me not to marry him. He got into a drunken fight at our wedding and is now in jail. He apparently won't be getting out any time soon due to charges I didn't know about. FML

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3193

Love

Commando

What a charmer

Cartoon villain

By atleasthelistened - United States - Spokane

Today, I discovered my boyfriend listens way better in his sleep than he does when he's awake. FML

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By Jayswizzle - United States

Today, I had an elderly woman come up to me and tell me how well I pull off the look of being bald. She said that most women can't look attractive without hair. Then she asked me if I had cancer. I had to explain to her that I am, in fact, a man, and I shave my head because I'm a swimmer. FML

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By natalyV

Today, my boyfriend has been sulking like a moody kid all day, all because I won't set my phone background to a picture of his dick. FML

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By twowords - United States

Today, I had to find a date for this banquet we did in my town every year. I paid my neighbor 40 bucks an hour to be my date. It was a 4 hour event. Best part: she got drunk and told the whole town I was paying her. FML

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By treegirl - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling on his couch when suddenly I tried to get up. Before I could stand, he grabs onto me and says, "I'm a koala and you're my eucalyptus tree!" He then continued to latch onto me for a good five minutes pretending to eat my hair. FML

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By blow me - Australia - Vermont

Today, I bought some pricey lipstick for a date tonight. An hour after putting it on, my lips are so swollen, I look like a blow-up sex doll. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my mother met my boyfriend. She thought it would be appropriate to tell him that he looks just like my ex-husband. FML

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By bronzemedal97 - United States

Today, I was leaning under a counter to get my girlfriend her favorite snack food out of a low cabinet when she decided it would be funny to poke me while I was in an awkward position. I jerked up, rammed my head on the bottom of the counter, and ended up at the ER with staples in my head. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Newcastle

Today, I was struggling to move a large bookshelf downstairs. Mid-way down, the weight became too much for me and I desperately yelled to my dad for help. He stood at the top of the stairs and said, "Cash or broken bones. How much's it worth, son?" I'm now £50 poorer. FML

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By Forever sad - United States

Today, I learned that my mother might not live much longer. My boyfriend, instead of showing compassion asked me, "We're still having video chat sex, right?" FML

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By wreckdit - United States

Today, I discovered that my roommate is a drug dealer and has been keeping her product in our flat. I discovered this when several police officers broke down my bathroom door and arrested me while I was in the shower. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I canceled my dental check-up because I'm getting busy at work. Then, as I was flossing, my finger slipped, I heard a "crunch" from one of my fillings, and I now have a killer toothache. It's costing me double to go to the dentist because it's now an emergency call. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I scratched a lottery ticket I had gotten for my birthday and won $10,000. In celebration, I jumped up and raised my hands directly into a ceiling fan. Oh, and it was a fake ticket. FML

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By Stigmamma

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to be responsible and put parental controls on the Playstation so our kids can't play adult games or watch adult content online. And now, neither can we. FML

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By nametag - Canada

Today, I finally got my nametag. I had been using other people's names like Maria and Caie for a week, so I was happy to be called my own name. I put it on and got to work. Ten minutes later, I was called into the office. I got laid off. I got to wear my nametag for 10 minutes. FML

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By Ryan - United States

Today, I dreamed that I was making out with a cute girl. Just as I was about to take it to the next level, she suddenly burst into tears and said, "I'm sorry, I can't do this." I can't even get laid in my dreams. FML

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By how bout no! - 9/10/2020 17:01 - United States - Hesperia

Not gonna happen

Today, my boyfriend of 5 years said that he wants to marry and spend his life with me. But first he wants to go be wild and single for a few years before settling down. Not only does he not see a problem with this, he expects me to wait and be faithful to him while he “gets it out of his system”. FML

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By Whatthe

Today, I walked into a bathroom to find a dad telling his kids not play with the pee in the urinals. FML

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By Anonymous

Et tu, Brute?

Today, I applied for a new job as a maintenance technician. About 10 minutes after submitting my resume, I received a rejection letter. My girlfriend is their HR person. FML

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By Burnt - United States

Today, I accidentally set my hair on fire while lighting a cigarette. I panicked and put it out by slapping myself in the face. FML

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By CB4 - United States

Today, I woke up to my car covered in shaving cream and tampons and the word CHEATER written on my windshield in lipstick. The guy a few doors down from me in my dorm has the same car as me. I'm a virgin. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, my sister and I were watching the Olympics. Michael Phelps was on the screen, and I was thinking how hot he is. My sister commented on how he looks so much like our brother. I can never look at either of them the same way ever again. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2021 23:02

FEED ME

Today, I woke up in a military hospital, after having all four wisdom teeth out yesterday. A nurse came in with a breakfast trolley full of eggs and bacon, looks at my pleading face, looks at her clipboard and says, "Only non-solid foods for you, private." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was working at a portrait studio and was taking pictures of a little girl, I kept telling the girl to stop making silly faces when she smiles because her eyes go cross-eyed. After the third time I said it her mom grabbed the little girl and left. Turns out, she was naturally cross-eyed. FML

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By Anonymous - Vietnam

Today, I finally had the confidence to show my girlfriend my hairy chest/stomach. I'm very self conscious about it, and get embarrassed easily. She said I looked disgusting, called me Chewbacca and broke up with me on the spot. FML

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By kal - United States

Today, in bio class, we were studying the reproductive system. I don't like talking about this stuff, and I twitched every time my teacher said "penis" or "vagina." When I told my family, they laughed and kept repeating those words just to see me twitch. FML

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By TimeForAHairCut - United States - Eugene

Today, I was napping when my little brother cut off huge chunks of my hair. He thought it would turn me into the older brother he always wanted. He's 8. FML

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By forever1990 - United States - York

Today, I'm getting married. A few months ago, I allowed my mother in-law to take care of catering. She begged to be a part of the wedding, so I gave her the caterer's number and order info. It appears that I will not be eating at my own wedding because she decided to order food I'm allergic to. FML

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By prian - Canada

Today, while playing poker, I lost a stack of money to somebody with the screen name "Poopface." FML

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By Mangler - Belgium

Today, my grandfather died. The last thing he said to me was "You smell awful." I work in a fish store. FML

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By OhFseriously123 - Italy

Today, I was having sex with a girl. She was really into it and not holding back on the noise...That is, until I received a text message from my little sister next door reading "If she is making that much noise, she is probably faking it...Trust me, I know." FML

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By Andrew - United States

Today, I was watching TV with my grandpa, and he stopped flipping channels on a movie with a hot naked chick getting oiled down. Suddenly the remote landed on my stomach as my mom and grandma walked in. They yelled at me for being a pervert for an hour, while my grandpa sat and chuckled. FML

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By gtrs750 - Canada

Today, I gathered both mine and my girlfriend's families secretly to a restaurant. I paid the restaurant to play romantic music, and paid for the best table available. As soon as we finished our meal, our families gathered around and I proposed. She laughed and said no way. FML

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By wellthisisawkward80 - United States

Today, I was attending my bachelor party. I watched a very attractive young girl dancing on a pole, giving me a seductive look. As she walked up to me, I realized it was my soon-to-be wife's younger sister. FML

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By RogerReady - United States

Today, I was offered a job. It only took me a year and 17 interviews to get an offer, and I have a PhD. FML

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By Nublet - United States

Today, I gave my boyfriend a blowjob. It gave him a panic attack. FML

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By nobrony - United States - Katonah

Today, my girlfriend got a tattoo of a Rainbow Dash over her pubic mound. Now whenever I go down on her, I'll be eye-to-eye with an adorable pony that shits rainbows. FML

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By Rowan Curry - United States - San Jose

Today, I got mad at my parents and threatened to run away. Things got so bad that I packed a bag and left, planning to hide in my front yard to teach them a lesson. It's been two hours, and I'm still standing behind a bush in front of my house while they make no effort to look for me. FML

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By Facepalmum - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my 14-year-old son showed me a "bird's egg" he was looking after in his room. It was a dried up dog turd. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Noblesville

Today, I was giving my boyfriend head on the living room couch. Apparently his two cats didn't approve, and they started attacking my face. Luckily for him, since my boyfriend was holding my head down, his privates didn't get a scratch. FML

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Top comments

By baxeh | 29

#6679716 - Sunday 28 August 2016 11:52

Well good news is, since he got drunk enough on your special day, to be put in jail before you consummated your marriage, you could probably get it annulled quite easily...
If he's lied to you about his legal troubles before he's probably not gonna stop any time soon OP. Best of luck to you.

By Memeosaurus | 14

#6679704 - Sunday 28 August 2016 11:37

I guess your family had a pretty valid reason for you not to marry him

COMMENTS

By Yastafari | 16

#6679698 - Sunday 28 August 2016 11:27

Hello conjugal visits (:

Jonkbaby | 20

#6680951 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 10:53

way to look at the bright side

By dougschoonmaker | 20

#6679699 - Sunday 28 August 2016 11:27

At some moments in life you gotta ask yourself"is he really worth it?"

By Memeosaurus | 14

#6679704 - Sunday 28 August 2016 11:37

I guess your family had a pretty valid reason for you not to marry him

By EbyKat | 16

#6679708 - Sunday 28 August 2016 11:43

Annulment.

By baxeh | 29

#6679716 - Sunday 28 August 2016 11:52

DidntGetTheMemo | 5

#6680868 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 7:35

The fact that they didn't consummate their marriage on their wedding day isn't a valid reason for an annulment. I don't know why so many people on this post seem to think it is.

tounces7 | 27

#6683561 - Monday 5 September 2016 1:29

Lying about prior legal troubles and being only married for a day is enough reason.

By MrsHoffman | 11

#6679724 - Sunday 28 August 2016 12:08

Well you were warned!!!

By TabooSushi | 24

#6679737 - Sunday 28 August 2016 12:43

ANULLMENT.
Seriously. The marriage wasn't consumated (I assume, since he got sent to jail on your wedding night), so you can therefore have it anulled without all that messing around with divorce lawyers and stuff.

chosha_fml | 25

#6680286 - Monday 29 August 2016 6:55

Annulment on the grounds that the marriage wasn't consummated only works where the couple haven't had sex before the wedding.

By awildwhisper | 30

#6679749 - Sunday 28 August 2016 12:58

You may be young and dumb but you can still be smart and anull the marriage to save yourself from more lies from the man. It's easier to admit to your family that you were wrong than pay for bail.