Intimacy: Today, my husband and I were told by our elderly neighbors that...

By Ceej - 28/10/2012 04:06 - United States - Grand Haven

Today, my husband and I were told by our elderly neighbors that they can hear us having sex a lot. To top it off, the elderly man said while patting his wife's arm with a smile, "Carol used to make noises like that too, back in the day." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 784

You deserved it 7 008

Intimacy

Taking stock

Empathy lives

BO Central

By Scorned - 16/09/2018 06:00

Today, as things were getting hot with my girlfriend, it came up that I'm a virgin. She broke up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 762

You deserved it 323

By Anonymous - 24/01/2014 05:32 - United States - Hackensack

Today, I was going to have sex, so I went to my basement to get my builder bear that I had stuffed my condoms in. The bear was gone. My dad gave it to charity. 5ML

I agree, your life sucks 52 149

You deserved it 18 924

By Anonymous - 04/01/2012 03:30 - Canada

Today, as an important meeting with clients was drawing to a close, we all stood up and they bid their farewells. My response was to blurt out, "Hello!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 573

You deserved it 7 786

By omfgnooo - 09/09/2011 23:22 - United States

Today, I was masturbating while chewing gum. Halfway into the session, the gum flew down my throat, causing me to violently choke. My mom had to rush in and help me while I still had my pants around my ankles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 807

You deserved it 54 697

By BangBangBzzz - 15/12/2015 22:01

Today, I went for a much needed relaxing massage. As I lay down, the renovation works in the next building started up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 389

You deserved it 1 409

By Walker - 04/11/2009 20:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my parents, who are divorced, were arguing over who has to pay for my bus pass. They decided they wouldn't pay unless the other one did too. Neither will pay the £60 it'll cost for my bus pass. I now have to walk to school every day, in freezing winter weather. It's 9 miles. Each way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 325

You deserved it 4 091

By wtf did i do?? - 11/01/2013 22:22 - Canada - Thornhill

Today, trying to be sweet, I told my girlfriend that I'm so happy we met one another. She muttered, "Well, that makes one of us." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 241

You deserved it 3 226

By calikola - 28/01/2009 17:25 - United States

Today, my grandmother who has Alzheimer's and can't usually remember my name, had a sudden moment of clarity and asked me why I'm still not married yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 421

You deserved it 2 262

By ginkobiloba - 29/11/2016 11:01

Today, a door-to-door salesman came to my apartment. I was too lazy to change from my teddy bear print pajamas, fuzzy socks and pink slippers when opening the door to him. He took one look at me and asked, "Hello darling, are your mommy and daddy home?" I'm 22 and live here on my own. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 164

You deserved it 1 770

By Anonymous - 11/11/2015 12:18

Today, I woke up at 7, got to college by 7:40 to receive an email that my 8:00 a.m. class got cancelled. I stayed there until 12:00 p.m. for my second class, to then find out that the cancelled class was the one at 12:00, not 8:00. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 681

You deserved it 5 853

By Scaryman - 21/02/2010 00:03 - United States

Today, I was sitting down in a store when a stroller stopped by me. While the parents were fixing the strap, the baby looked at me, gasped, looked at me again, gasped, and then screamed. Ten minutes later, another baby looked at me and screamed. My face scares babies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 216

You deserved it 4 150

By "Jam2019" - 15/02/2019 14:00

Today, despite using the bathroom before I left my house, then at the bus station 10 minutes later, I still had to get off my bus halfway into my hour long journey to pee in a back alley or I would have wet myself. I'm 24 and this has happened twice in the last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 093

You deserved it 228

By SelfServiced - 03/11/2014 01:31 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while having some "personal" time, I felt intense pleasure and moaned. I learned that my own moaning prevents me from reaching my peak. I'm my own turn off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 815

You deserved it 6 567

It's not me, it's you

By Anonymous - 10/10/2021 15:00 - Mexico - Lagos De Moreno

Today, I went out with two new friends. While we were talking, they said that their mother had called them to go home. Later on, I saw them in the main square, hanging out. I wasn't creepy or disrespectful, and I don't know why they did it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 903

You deserved it 78

By thankzbabe - 04/01/2012 12:32 - United States

Today, my boyfriend informed me that my vagina reminds him of ham. But that's okay, because ham is his favorite food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 109

You deserved it 5 535

By icyrebel25 - 12/11/2013 23:57 - United States - Mckinney

Today, my mom showed my girlfriend a picture of me crying when I pooped in the bathtub. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 886

You deserved it 5 221

By Anonymous - 18/02/2011 21:18 - United States

Today, I had to get into my house via the dog flap because my mom changed the locks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 068

You deserved it 4 477

By Spanky - 23/01/2009 11:36 - United States

Today, I went to the movies with a friend and her grandma. Her grandma was using toothpicks and dropping them on the ground next to our popcorn bucket. I took a big handful of popcorn, and was fortunate enough to get a piece of her toothpick lodged in my throat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 672

You deserved it 2 491

By Snurkles McGree - 29/12/2011 06:47 - Canada

Today, my racist grandmother was complaining that the new nurse at her nursing home is a black woman. I casually asked, "Is she cute?" I'm now out of the will. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 370

You deserved it 7 625

Cool nickname

By nearsighted-ut - 26/09/2019 02:00

Today, I was watching TV when my older brother thought it would be funny to rip a bare-assed fart in my face before a shower. I looked up, only to see a brown blob on my glasses. My nickname is now "Shitfaced." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 857

You deserved it 113

By scaredinnyc - 14/11/2012 01:03 - United States - Trenton

Today, I was looking at tattoos and fell in love with a really cool looking one, so I decided to get it. I later showed it to a friend who is a cop. He informed me that it is a gang tattoo. I think I just put a target on my ankle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 960

You deserved it 31 293

Knock first

By jesus christ, dad - 06/09/2013 16:48 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, for the third time since breakfast, I accidentally walked in on my father wanking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 797

You deserved it 7 038

By Anonymous - 12/01/2014 00:26 - United States - Goodyear

Today, I used the restroom at a mall. I thought I was alone, so I started singing. When I got out of the stall, there were men staring at me. Not only did I embarrass myself with my own singing, I'd accidentally used the men's restroom too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 715

You deserved it 23 696

By justmeagain - 11/12/2018 12:00

Today, my girlfriend left me. The reason? She sent me a link to a story online about a woman who abused her dog to the point of death and I didn’t vomit while reading it. According to her, that makes me a “heartless monster.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 610

You deserved it 240

By j1hill33 - 14/07/2011 05:09 - United States

Today, my dad told my little brother that Tokyo is in China. This is the same guy that yells at me every time I get a "B" on a report card. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 023

You deserved it 2 349

By Anonymous - 25/12/2010 23:21 - United States

Today, I rented a copy How To Train Your Dragon for my young son to watch. I put the DVD in, hit play without paying attention, and went off to make lunch. A few minutes later, my son ran into the kitchen screaming. Apparently, there was a mix up at the rental store and I got a copy of Saw IV. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 442

You deserved it 11 826

By facepalm - 14/06/2011 08:30 - United States

Today, I really had to go to the bathroom. Due to my fear of public restrooms, I made sure it was clear before I started. I heard someone sigh halfway through. Embarrassed, I waited a full ten minutes before leaving the stall, only to see that it was only the automatic air freshener. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 932

You deserved it 35 712

By Andrew - 23/10/2012 19:12 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting intimate, and I gave her a condom to put on me. She tried to open it with her teeth, but ripped it. That was my only condom. I'm now sitting here watching a soap opera with a boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 385

You deserved it 11 410

By wobbles - 04/12/2009 05:28 - United States

Today, I spent 30 minutes trying to find my glasses. I don't know whats worse, the fact that I was wearing them the whole time, or that my girlfriend played along and helped me look for them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 897

You deserved it 34 262

By Blindsided - 08/10/2018 15:30

Today, my boyfriend’s dog decided that his stomach needed a month’s supply of contacts more than I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 554

You deserved it 294

By kittyd - 28/01/2011 05:24 - United States

Today, I came home to find a note on my door. I thought it was from my elderly disabled neighbors thanking me for cleaning off their snow covered car, since about 6 inches came down. It was from them, only it said I owed them for damages to their car. Damages that were already there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 542

You deserved it 3 572

Fire…?

By Ashley - 14/10/2019 22:00

Today, two out of our three smoke detectors were going off. My grandpa won't call the fire department because he thinks our house will be condemned. The alarms are still going off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 449

You deserved it 148

By what - 26/11/2010 19:17 - United States

Today, while shopping, a few giggling girls came up to me and asked why I was wearing a dress in public. Highly confused, I didn't answer. When they walked away laughing, I realized they thought I was a man. I'm a woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 393

You deserved it 4 145

By vegantreegirl - 04/02/2019 20:00

Today, I was using the restroom at work when my glasses slipped off my face and landed right in the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 426

You deserved it 304

By Anonymous - 12/02/2017 08:00 - United States - Princeton

Today, my husband caught me scratching my armpit with his beard brush. Just last week I swore that I never touch it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 432

You deserved it 12 137

By SURPRISE - 10/06/2009 00:13 - Canada

Today, it was my girlfriend's birthday. To surprise her, I told her that I was going away on business, and could not be there on her birthday. When I show up at her house to surprise her with a present and cake, she opens the door in her underwear, beside a man in his boxers. She was surprised. FML

I agree, your life sucks 89 489

You deserved it 6 793

By knews - 18/03/2010 04:46 - United States

Today, my mom sent me beautiful candlesticks along with some half burned candles. I thanked her. She told me the candlesticks were a wedding gift to my grandmother 85 years ago. Then she said the candles were used at my grandma's wedding. I had already lit them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 348

You deserved it 8 175

By Anonymous - 03/09/2014 18:24 - United States - White Plains

Today, my husband asked our tax professional if we could file my profession as "Expert Dream Murderer." I'm a guidance counselor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 680

You deserved it 5 283

By Not dying. - 21/04/2015 07:55 - United Kingdom - Watford

Today, I started getting really bad chest pains at work. I googled it and the internet convinced me I was having a heart attack. Scared for my life, I started to dial for an ambulance when I let out the biggest fart you could ever imagine. Turns out it was trapped gas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 957

You deserved it 10 852

By thank u usa - 13/12/2013 22:20 - Germany

Today, I came across a tourist in the street asking people for directions, but nobody understood him. I speak English, so I went to help the gentleman out. He said "Knock it off with the cheesy accent, pal" and informed me that my country is a shithole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 985

You deserved it 3 547

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Top comments

ruabadfishtoo 0

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Sunday 28 October 2012 13:37

Well, at least your neighbours were humorous about it. Still, invest in soundproof walls.

KingDingALing 9

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Sunday 28 October 2012 13:43

Toss him a packet of Viagra and say "Now you can re-live those days."

ktlok152 0

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Sunday 28 October 2012 13:34

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

ruabadfishtoo 0

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Sunday 28 October 2012 13:38

"First" is so 2009.

FlyinTurtle 7

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Sunday 28 October 2012 13:46

Notice how no one cares

unicornpower56 7

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Sunday 28 October 2012 13:55

Why do people care if he says "First"? Who cares, we all have the choice to do what we want, even though what this guy wants to do is comment "First".

BlowinChronic 18

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Sunday 28 October 2012 14:10

And we have the choice to thumb him down so I'm not too worried.

Ryan_Jaxson 8

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Sunday 28 October 2012 14:14

Last! -_-

Osito2011 9

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Sunday 28 October 2012 14:48

Last is so 2000 and late o.O

gc327072 30

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Sunday 28 October 2012 14:54

Really wish the mods would change his comment to say something silly....

DocBastard 38

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Sunday 28 October 2012 15:35

Unicornpower - The mods care about it more than the rest of us. Have you EVER seen a "First!" last for more than a few minutes? No, because the mods delete them. Every one of them.

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Sunday 28 October 2012 16:24

Here - a blue shell up yo' a$$!

ruabadfishtoo 0

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Sunday 28 October 2012 13:37

Well, at least your neighbours were humorous about it. Still, invest in soundproof walls.

PuggieKid 22

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Sunday 28 October 2012 14:42

Congrats. You're scarred for life.

gc327072 30

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Sunday 28 October 2012 14:56

Or the ghetto way: attach empty egg cartons to the walls.

Welshite 39

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Sunday 28 October 2012 15:08

I didn't know that was considered ghetto. *surreptitiously takes down egg cartons*

shelbyj 6

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Sunday 28 October 2012 15:50

That was my idea!! Haha

MDTeddy 13

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Sunday 28 October 2012 16:34

So does this mean someone is freaking loud as heck? If you can't tone it done then the soundproof walls might be the way to go.

laden_swallow09 34

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Sunday 28 October 2012 23:50

Protip: Using "ghetto" as an adjective is ghetto.

LogicalMembrane 3

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Monday 29 October 2012 1:24

I thought using "ghetto" as an adjective was the whitest thing you could do.

xXHollowIchigoXx 17

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Sunday 28 October 2012 13:41

They seem like a lovely couple.

MormonPornstar 7

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Sunday 28 October 2012 17:39

Dat Carol too stronk, needs nerf

Cartera 10

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Sunday 28 October 2012 17:49

55 - Diablo 3 problems?

MormonPornstar 7

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Monday 29 October 2012 7:05

Never got into it. Was asked to though. Oldschool WoW, DotA, Lol, and WC3 (RoC and TFT) player. Yeah... I'm a nerd, but I'm one of the few that can break your jaw and let you choke on your teeth. So dont start with the stereotyping bullshit.

ycrem0n 21

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Sunday 28 October 2012 13:41

Ahhh... those were the days..

tmaq973 7

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Sunday 28 October 2012 14:08

Your picture is really helping with some of your comments. Really makes them hit home.

metalhead4740 14

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Sunday 28 October 2012 15:02

Your profile picture is perfect for this FML...

ohSNAPyall 26

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Sunday 28 October 2012 15:49

Po Carol.

yenidewi 11

Sunday 28 October 2012 13:41

hehehhe ... free porn sound ... lol

bobgooeyflonder 6

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Sunday 28 October 2012 17:55

Yup, still getting double comments from you. Still pointless.

rocker_chick105 31

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Sunday 28 October 2012 19:43

Your comments are doubled and they're not that great anyway... just no.......

klovemachine 24

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Sunday 28 October 2012 22:06

60 = Fail :)

iHeartMuzik 0

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Sunday 28 October 2012 23:10

Lol, I find it hilarious how your comments always double, and then get the most negative votes.

KingDingALing 9

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Sunday 28 October 2012 13:43

Toss him a packet of Viagra and say "Now you can re-live those days."

SApprentice 34

Sunday 28 October 2012 16:12

Every time I catch sight of "packet of Viagra" as I'm skimming through the comments, I read it as "pocket of Vagina" for some reason, and it makes me pause for a moment.

gc327072 30

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Sunday 28 October 2012 23:17

45- I think by "pause" you mean "double take"

Ge0rger0kz 5

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Monday 29 October 2012 5:09

I think your penis is trying to tell you something.

Mideoyeo 12

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Sunday 28 October 2012 13:45

Have sex in the room furthest from their room :D

shneakycactus 2

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Sunday 28 October 2012 14:05

and disturb the neighbors on the other side?

Mideoyeo 12

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Sunday 28 October 2012 19:30

Fine, they can alternate sides of the apartment so the neighbours on either side can take turns listening to them have sex.

SApprentice 34

Sunday 28 October 2012 13:45

At least they're understanding. I think it's actually kind of sweet, although in a slightly disturbing and odd way. It sounds like him and his wife still love each other. Just remember how easy it is for the two of you to be heard and try to be more quiet from now on.

SammyS2012 21

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Sunday 28 October 2012 15:38

That's the best thing they can do. It might be a little inconvenient to quiet down, but do they really want the whole neighbourhood to know they're having sex? And it makes me wonder about the elderly couple. It makes me so happy to see a couple still love each other after so many years of marriage. I wonder how long they've been married...

laden_swallow09 34

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Sunday 28 October 2012 13:46

So, you and your man have loud, mind-blowing sex and the sweet, elderly couple who live next door can relive the old days while still enjoying the loving marriage they still have. I see no problem here.