Love: Today, I realized why my husband had been seemingly wanting to... - FML

By woundedexwife - United States

Today, I realized why my husband had been seemingly wanting to improve our relationship by sending little texts throughout the day for the last couple of months, asking what I was doing. It was so he could find out when would be the best time to have his girlfriend over and cheat on me. FML

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Serious times

Surrounded

Oh, he's a "Nice Guy"

By Anonymous

Alexa, play "Asleep" by The Smiths

Today, I woke up to my best friend laying next to me vigorously touching herself. She thought I was asleep. FML

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By Paramedic - United Kingdom

Today, I was the paramedic at the scene of a car accident. One lady was hurt, and we had trouble getting any information from her as she was sobbing. I radioed in the details and said "...a lady in her mid 30's, ETA 10 minutes." She stopped crying, slapped me, and said, "I'm 28." FML

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By buggedout - United States

Today, I realized that when the pest control man said that we may see a few more bugs in the next few days, what he meant was "your kitchen will be covered in them." It's the day before Thanksgiving and I have several people invited over for the Holiday. FML

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By RuasaLove - United States - Pleasantville

Today, I was doing laundry while my boyfriend was sitting at the table playing on his phone. I glanced over and caught him watching my ass as I put clothes in the dryer. Trying to be sexy, I looked at him as I slowly bent over to put more clothes in. Instead, I hit my head hard on the dryer door. FML

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By Breezie - United States

Hi Zach!

Today, at work, a customer commented that I look like Zach Galifianakis. I'm a girl. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, I took my boyfriend of 2 years on a family vacation to meet my family for the first time. We all got really drunk and he made out with my dad. This was day one and we don't fly back for another 16 days. FML

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By ewww - United States

Today, while using the restroom at McDonald's, a hand reached under my stall and took the remaining toilet paper. FML

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By dr.mantistobagon - United States - South Burlington

Today, it's been a few months since my grandfather passed away. Now all of his porn subscriptions are getting forwarded to my address. FML

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By artdegreemyass - United States - West Palm Beach

No thanks, Karen

Today, I was cashiering at Walmart, when a customer picked open a cold-sore on her lip before trying to give me her money with the same hand. When I freaked out and refused to take her money, she started screaming and threatening to sue me for "violating the First Amendment." FML

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By Susan - Canada

Today, I farted in front of my husband. It somehow turned into a farting war. Then I realized this is the closest we've come to intimacy in a week. FML

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By humiliated - United Kingdom

Today, a friend asked me to come with her to the art building at school, so I could pose in the stance of a figure she was drawing for her exam. I obliged and sat for the pose. When the art teacher walked by she looked at me, then at the sketch, pointed to the legs and said, "make them fatter". FML

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By Amore - France - Bois-colombes

Today, my son told me the Christmas letter he wrote to Santa was a joke and he didn't want the stuff he asked for. I already bought everything. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found a very large pumpkin super-glued to my car. It will not come off. FML

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By Tickettoride - Austria - Vienna

Today, my boyfriend and I stressed out preparing for our one week holiday. We packed for the whole day, said goodbye to everyone and arrived at the airport quite exhausted after a 45-minute train ride. Turns out our flight isn't until tomorrow. The check-in lady couldn't stop laughing. FML

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By MyCatFromHell - 8/4/2021 22:59 - Brazil

Your music's shite, mate

Today, after suffering from a serious case of my cats always chewing my earphones, after many eaten cords, I finally got a bluetooth headphone. My cat peed on it. FML

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By loserman67

Today, I was told that the $8,500 bill for my new water well grew to $11,000 because of a fair amount of overtime. I learned that the men I hired to drill the new well at our home were spending the overtime drilling my daughter as well. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Clairmont

Today, my boyfriend and I attempted sexting for the first time. After about twenty minutes of Star Wars references, I gave up. FML

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By Anonymous

Romantic mood

Today, I rushed home because my wife called to let me know she was feeling horny for the first time after getting over a bad flu. I walked in the door and surprise surprise, her sister had called round, wanting sympathy after her latest fuck buddy dumped her. Romantic mood ruined. FML

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By dam01 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting a bit steamy. After a few minutes, he jumps up and runs over to the closet and puts on a long brown jacket putting the hood over to his eyes. He looks me in the eyes and says 'I am Obi Wan Kenobi and I'm going to slay you with my light saber'. FML

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By Albert - United States

Today, I finally found the perfect quote to open my college essay. Then I found out that the author was one of the founders of the KKK. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2020 22:02 - Argentina - Mar De Ajo

Deal with it

Today, apparently having mood swings at 37 weeks pregnant is being "braggy" according to my husband, and totally not acceptable. FML

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By Cat Piss - United States - Lavon

Today, I was woken up to the sound of my cat peeing on the pillow next to mine. When I yelled at him, he jumped over my face and off the bed. He was still peeing the entire time. FML

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By Check Writer - United States - Oceanside

Today, I was notified that the company did not give me a raise two months ago like I thought. The increase was a typo. Two months ago I wrote a thank you for the raise email to my boss. Now I get to write a check to the company to pay back my "raise." FML

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By Lilly_28 - United States

Today, I was home alone. I didn't expect anyone to be anywhere near home, so when I got out of the shower, I walked to the living room, naked, to get the tv remote for my room. Only to find the UPS guy standing at our glass front door. I screamed... so did he. FML

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By ouch - Belgium

Today, I was in the airport after saying goodbye to my boyfriend who left for three months. Walking back to my car, I saw a young couple kissing passionately. If that wasn't bad enough, the guy then picked his girlfriend up, spun her round in the air and her foot kicked me square in the jaw. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - France

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job. As I reached my climax, she thought it would be funny to turn my 'weapon' against me. Boom, headshot. FML

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By mallcop - United States

Today, while working security at the mall, someone shat his pants. The shit dripped all over the floor and escalator. I was the one who had to stand near the poop so no one stepped in it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I lost my virginity. Not only did my parents somehow find out, they posted about it on Facebook. FML

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By OytoBeAfather - United States - Nesconset

Today, my 20-year-old son's external hard-drive stopped working. He's crying on my shoulder now, not because of the movies, porn, work, or music he probably lost, but because of the now irretrievable complete series of Digimon that he'd collected. FML

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By cc - United States

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend about how I'm self conscious about my weight. He looks at me and says, "Don't worry babe, I've always been kind of a chubby chaser." FML

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By notoneatall - Canada - Oakville

Today, I got called a cunt at work by a customer. What could I have said that could have caused them to say that? "Have a great day." FML

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By Anonymous - 22/12/2020 19:58 - Germany

The new economy

Today, I have so little faith in my future earning potential that I keep my clipped toe and fingernails as a nest egg. I heard that some weirdos on the internet actually pay money for those. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, my boss gave me a new assignment at work: go online and look for my own replacement, then interview him. FML

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By qwaynick

Today, my wife got her second kidney stone in a month. I gave her some pills to help with the pain. An hour later she started hallucinating, pulled down her pants and tried to pee on our couch. FML

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By FullCircleProblem - United States - Round Rock

Today, my girlfriend came home and spontaneously wanted to have sex for the first time in about a year. I'm a recovering alcoholic, and had just came from an AA meeting. She reeked of alcohol, I couldn't get hard because of it and she got pissed at me. She says she won't be spontaneous again. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, just a day prior to my vacation starting, I learned that my five-day "seasonal fever" is actually due to a blood infection from a bacteria. FML

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By Katie - United States

Today, my best friend told me about a vicious rumor that's going around, saying I contracted a horrible STD. I asked her if she told everyone it was a lie. She said no, because the rumor is apparently "way too funny to ruin." Maybe it's time for new friends. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Escondido

Today, I have the flu. I had to wash the dishes, cook dinner, take out the trash, and take care of the laundry, all while my wife sat around watching TV, because she was "too tired". I work 8 hours a day. She's a college student. She doesn't see what's so unfair about this. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2020 17:01

Creepy crawlies

Today, a friend of mine told me, after coming over to my house for years, that she has tiny "bugs" that are attached to her and follow her wherever she goes. FML

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By meet Chloe - Australia

Today, I felt sorry for the weird chick at work that everybody avoids and decided to initiate a conversation with her. She interrupted me mid-sentence to tell me about her vaginal odor problems, before shoving her hand into my chip packet and inviting herself to dinner at my house. FML

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Top comments

By BrownSugar_fml | 5

#777603 - Saturday 16 January 2010 9:12

Glad to see the "ex" on that name :)

By coolcat33 | 0

#777586 - Saturday 16 January 2010 9:06

to get back at him you should sleep with his uncle. then go home and cut off his weenie with a pair of scissors and make him eat it on a bun.

COMMENTS

By coolcat33 | 0

#777586 - Saturday 16 January 2010 9:06

to get back at him you should sleep with his uncle. then go home and cut off his weenie with a pair of scissors and make him eat it on a bun.

Reply

Giulii | 0

#777589 - Saturday 16 January 2010 9:06

I agree with coolcat33 :) haha

Reply

mariahrawks | 0

#901453 - Sunday 28 February 2010 20:51

agreeeed!

Reply

mouammarkadhafi | 0

#4011541 - Thursday 9 February 2012 2:17

Crazzzzzzzy bitches!

By BrownSugar_fml | 5

#777603 - Saturday 16 January 2010 9:12

Glad to see the "ex" on that name :)

By braaap127 | 0

#777631 - Saturday 16 January 2010 9:41

wat an asshole wat u do to him

By ipwnallmen | 10

#777634 - Saturday 16 January 2010 9:44

have you ever heat the legend of the man, the cheated on wife, and the hot curling iron.... you can plug it in both ways.....for the the other woman... thats about 4-5 ways....

By Nakedsquirrel | 5

#777635 - Saturday 16 January 2010 9:45

That sucks. But I'm guessing the two of you had a nonexistant sex life, which is what made him wander astray?

Reply

voveraite | 7

#777840 - Saturday 16 January 2010 13:50

FYI, this is very often NOT the case of why men go astray (even then, having a heart-to-heart discussion does wonders!). Some guys cheat just because THEY CAN, and they do lie to the other woman about some lack of sex in the relationship, when in fact everything was ok, on this level. Sorry, women cheat too, and lie as well. But cheating is not justified...

Reply

ash92_fml | 0

#826957 - Friday 5 February 2010 9:37

him ''wandering astray'' wasn't her fault wanker. if they weren't having sex, its no excuse to cheat.

By AliceC_fml | 3

#777637 - Saturday 16 January 2010 9:45

Dump his sorry ass. Now.

By im2good25 | 0

#777649 - Saturday 16 January 2010 9:54

Ask for a 3 way

Reply

Cupffin | 0

#778073 - Saturday 16 January 2010 17:48

This.

By breannac | 1

#777651 - Saturday 16 January 2010 9:58

dump him!! that's awfull

By 24788 | 6

#777665 - Saturday 16 January 2010 10:21

You should of known something was up.

By AntiChrist7 | 0

#777681 - Saturday 16 January 2010 10:35

Don't marry assholes. YDI