Today, I was talking to my husband about our favorite TV show,...

By sammieshortcake - 14/9/2013 15:30 - United States

Today, I was talking to my husband about our favorite TV show, when he took my face in his hands and sweetly whispered, "You're so pretty. Why must you ruin it with words?" FML

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sammieshortcake Say more :

He was actually joking when he said it. I just thought it was funny because of the way he said it like he was being all romantic, so I submitted it. So stoked it got published! And to the person who said yeah "our" favorite show-it was Game of Thrones, which is both of our favorite shows. lol

Love

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Assumptions

Weird kid

By shallowvomit1013 - 23/12/2009 01:09 - United States

Today, my girlfriend came over to my house. Hoping to get a little action, i started to make out with her. Unfortunately I was wearing basketball shorts so when I got an erection all she did was bat it back forth like a cat toy. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2009 20:27 - United States

Today, my girlfriend came over to talk. She just got back from a small vacation. She asked me to feed her dogs while she was gone, so I did. I even stayed with them at times so they wouldnt get lonely. My girlfriend had come over to break up with me. She didn't do so earlier because she needed her dogs fed. FML

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By J - 30/8/2016 17:20 - United States - Englewood

Today, I heard from multiple people that my girlfriend called me a dumbass because I apparently sent her "Good Morning" twice. We aren't even three full days into the relationship. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2012 04:51 - United States

Today, my five-year-old told me she had accidentally swallowed a thumbtack. In panic mode we raced to the ER. With no insurance. Only after the tests, examinations and X-rays did she tell me was "just joking." FML

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By Frostbitten - 27/2/2013 03:00 - United States - Freeport

Today, I was sitting on the chair-lift on a ski trip. There was a shift in gears and the metal in the seat began to vibrate. My dad, sister, and step-mom were all on the lift with me, not feeling a thing. It's terribly awkward to converse with your family while you involuntarily orgasm. FML

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By scared - 17/3/2015 21:35 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I finally went to the doctor's about my severe anxiety. I am so used to putting on a happy performance around people that she didn't believe anything was wrong with me. FML

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By woahlaura - 14/2/2016 16:26 - United States - Houston

Today, I gave my boyfriend a $300 cooler for Valentine's Day. When I asked what he got me, he pointed at my stomach. I'm 3 months pregnant with his baby. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2016 02:38 - United States - Glen Ellyn

Today, an old friend of mine texted me, saying we should hang out. I thought it was really sweet and was excited to see her again, until she realized that she was texting the wrong person, and canceled our plans immediately. FML

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By hotandbothered - 3/2/2010 06:24 - United States

Today, I was developing film at walmart. It started to get a little warm, so I began taking off my sweatshirt. This creepy old man approaches me, saying "You know, usually girls like you are paid to take their clothes off." FML

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By A.Summers - 30/9/2013 22:41 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, my parents surprised me by redecorating my room. I think they were more surprised by the box of naughty toys under my bed. FML

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By PPP - 14/11/2014 03:39 - United States - Elk Grove Village

Today, I found out that my mom is doing a study and is keeping used pads in the freezer. FML

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By doughgirl101 - 7/9/2011 05:59 - Canada

Today, my parents canceled the Internet at our house because they view it as a "passing fad." FML

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By No Job - 1/10/2015 01:42 - United States - Prairieville

Today, I was supposed to start my new job. I had forgotten I had a doctor's appointment, so I called work early and told them I wouldn't be able to start until tomorrow. My boss then terminated my employment. I got fired before I even started. FML

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By ReallyNow - 1/9/2011 17:17 - United States

Today, I got rear-ended while on my way to work. This wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't pregnant, suffering from a horrible UTI, and running a fever. My boss called in sick, so now I'm stuck running the office alone. With whiplash. FML

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By BikerGuy - 24/2/2016 06:31 - Canada - Alhambra

Today, the girl who likes me incredibly much asked me if she could come for a ride with me on my motorcycle. Normally this isn't a problem as I take lots of people out for rides for fun, but this time I had no choice but to tell her she couldn't because she's just too heavy for it. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2016 06:28 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, it's been five days since I started my new job in a new town, just signed a lease on my new apartment too. Now I find out the company's closing down, and since I'm still on probation, I'm told I'm not entitled to any kind of severance. FML

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By ohno - 13/7/2011 04:43 - United States

Today, I was invited over to a dinner with the CEOs of my company, along with my two children. My 3 year-old asked loudly why we have two "nose holes", to which my 4 year-old son replied "So you can pick your nose and still breathe!" He then demonstrated. FML

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By ohwell - 24/11/2014 13:44 - Sweden - Tullinge

Today, I met my best friend's girlfriend for the first time. After a few hours of talking and eating, she followed me to the bathroom and said, dead serious, ''If you ever touch him or get too close to him, I will cut you''. I've known him for twelve years, they have been dating for a month. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2009 17:47 - Canada

Today, while going up a ski-lift I accidentally dropped my ticket. The ticket I needed at the top to come back down. I had to hike down the mountain in flip-flops. FML

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By Greg - 28/10/2013 21:53 - United States - Livonia

Today, I was leaving the grocery store when an old woman started yelling at me for not holding the door open for her. She accused me of being "everything wrong with the younger generation". It was an automatic door. FML

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By no - 7/6/2009 21:49 - United States

Today, I locked myself out of my truck for the first time. While trying to unlock it, it started to rain. After half an hour, I successfully unlocked the door and then drove over my book bag, which I had placed underneath the car to keep it out of the rain. FML

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By Finding Kemo - 16/4/2016 19:12 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I went to school with a bad haircut. I got about 50 cancer jokes so far. FML

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By Jessica - 21/8/2012 08:21 - United States

Today, I found out that two kids were able to, without much effort, convince my 16-year-old daughter that her friend's house was used to smuggle out Jews during WWII. His house was built in 2007. We also live in America. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2016 18:22

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex in the same bed my dog pooped in because we were both too polite to ask the other person why they smelt like shit. FML

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By Its My BDay I Can Cry If I Want To - 10/8/2016 16:51 - United States - Ephrata

Today, all of my friends bailed from the birthday party I was throwing myself. This was also after they had encouraged me for months to have one, knowing I'd never had my birthday celebrated before. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2015 23:54 - Belgium - Gent

Today, I was verbally and physically attacked in a public pool, because I was swimming in what a grandma claimed was her part of the pool. Since I'm a very tolerant person, I calmly tried to talk some reason into the elderly lady. The lifeguard had to come to protect me. FML

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By Workplace woes - 12/5/2016 17:00 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my coworker showed me photos of her anal fissures. I'm not a doctor. FML

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By chrono19 - 4/5/2014 10:11 - United States - Bremerton

Today, I got a birthday package from my parents. It was all the stuff I'd forgotten there when visiting a month ago, along with some other things I'd left behind when I moved out. FML

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By MirandaKristine - 6/3/2020 12:31 - United States - Miami

Go forth and NOT multiply

Today, my dad handed me my refilled birth control prescription. I thanked him, and he replied, "Well, God forbid you run out and reproduce." FML

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By JessP - 26/2/2009 23:28 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I ordered sex toys online and had them delivered to my dorm room. I put my parents' address for the billing information because I didn't want the bill sent to my dorm after I moved out. The toys were sent to my parents house instead. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2013 17:13 - United States - Lakeland

Today, while on the way to Florida for spring break, I pointed out to my mom a bright blue car in the rear-view mirror. As the car overtook us, we both got a horrifyingly detailed view of the driver jerking off her passenger. FML

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By Liz - 27/9/2010 19:30 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend had his phone taken away by his dad for this past week. I have been sending him naked photos and other naughty things this entire week, or so I thought. FML

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By Hello my name is - 22/2/2009 22:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I went round to my Grandparents' to help set up their new Satellite TV. When I turned it on, for some reason it defaulted to "Arab Babes TV". I was therefore inadvertently responsible for the broadcast of porn in my Grandparents' living room. FML

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By DroopyDog - 27/12/2010 08:48 - Netherlands

Today, I bought a puppy. I just found out I can't bring it on the family trip. To save me the trouble of finding a friend to take her in, my mum handed her back to the pound. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2014 22:08 - United States - Blue Earth

Today, my evening was shot to hell when I found my pregnant wife on the floor, sobbing because we'd run out of cheese sticks. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/6/2019 06:30 - United States - Durham

Today, I had a doctor's appointment because I've recently lost weight. I'm already underweight, and I was concerned because the weight loss has been causing some other health concerns to worsen. My doctor's exact words of advice? "Eating food usually leads to weight gain." FML

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By - 21/11/2019 15:00 - Australia - Bonnyrigg

Our secretive

Today, my mom is 44 years old, and she is cheating on my dad with my friend who is 19. And she's paying me to keep her secret. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2017 20:00

Today, I was crying after a bad day at work. As I walked down the street, a young boy in a minivan tried to get my attention. He kept saying, "Hi, hi, please wave!" in a sad voice. When I politely waved at him, I saw a group of kids in the van giggling hysterically and taking pictures of me. FML

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By robzzz - 16/2/2012 07:13 - Canada

Today, I'm forced to eat half a package of saltine crackers in my room for dinner. I can't go downstairs to the kitchen because my two roommates are going at it on our kitchen table. FML

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By bowler99 - 12/1/2015 16:43 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my little brother walked in on me and my girlfriend having sex and threatened to tell my parents. I paid him $30 to keep quiet. 15 minutes later he told them. FML

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Top comments

By lonewolf621 | 17

#5673443 - Saturday 14 September 2013 19:39

Sometimes silence is golden.

By Grauncho | 26

#5673452 - Saturday 14 September 2013 19:41

Well, we now know he didn't marry you for your personality.

COMMENTS

By lonewolf621 | 17

#5673443 - Saturday 14 September 2013 19:39

Sometimes silence is golden.

Welshite | 39

#5673455 - Saturday 14 September 2013 19:43

No wonder I'm always so poor. I can never shut up long enough to collect my gold.

TheCanucklehead | 22

#5673463 - Saturday 14 September 2013 19:44

I don't collect gold. Gold collects me

Enslaved | 36

#5673504 - Saturday 14 September 2013 20:00

"Stay gold, Ponyboy. Stay gold."

micha090 | 21

#5673557 - Saturday 14 September 2013 20:38

I like the way he put it OP. He's a keeper :-)

Jessa91 | 10

#5673561 - Saturday 14 September 2013 20:39

Silence is gold, duct tape is silver.

depocadoll | 15

#5673575 - Saturday 14 September 2013 20:49

Silence is golden... If you were talking about the Kardashians or something as equally as sickening.

MissCharlotte_fml | 26

#5673585 - Saturday 14 September 2013 20:58

Enslaved, I love you for that reference.

By Demonax_fml | 8

#5673444 - Saturday 14 September 2013 19:39

At least he said it gently

mattjamt | 16

#5673631 - Saturday 14 September 2013 21:54

Maybe he meant that she was beautiful he wanted to "gaze at her uninterrupted". (OPs husband, feel free to use that as an excuse!)

blakesinthelake | 11

#5673941 - Sunday 15 September 2013 3:54

At least he didn't call you ugly

By ericnx | 8

#5673448 - Saturday 14 September 2013 19:40

What a moment.

mn_shr | 22

#5674538 - Sunday 15 September 2013 16:40

Who said romance was dead?

By Grauncho | 26

#5673452 - Saturday 14 September 2013 19:41

Well, we now know he didn't marry you for your personality.

UnluckyGenius | 21

#5673460 - Saturday 14 September 2013 19:44

Maybe she just sounds like the actress who played the mom Married with Children.

drizzy11 | 18

#5673584 - Saturday 14 September 2013 20:58

Peggy Bundy. Great show.

By Grayness_ | 26

#5673458 - Saturday 14 September 2013 19:43

You can tell he had been wanting to say that for a long time when he put his hands on your face lmao

By naxeeb | 33

#5673461 - Saturday 14 September 2013 19:44

Awww, that's so shallow of him. Considering that he was serious. Even if he was joking, it was still rude!

PuggieKid | 22

#5673970 - Sunday 15 September 2013 4:32

How is that shallow? he SWEETLY whispered it to her so she didn't feel bad

vipirius | 18

#5674300 - Sunday 15 September 2013 10:41

It's pretty shallow to marry someone just for their looks.

By lickastick | 27

#5673465 - Saturday 14 September 2013 19:45

Sure you weren't talking AT your husband?

TheDrifter | 23

#5673510 - Saturday 14 September 2013 20:03

Or while the show she was discussing was on? That drives me insane.

By chris4u2nv5 | 19

#5673469 - Saturday 14 September 2013 19:46

Sometimes you just need to shut up an hold him

By perdix | 29

#5673478 - Saturday 14 September 2013 19:48

It took you until now to realize that he has no respect for your intellect?

I guess figuring things out is not your strong suit . . . at least he thinks you're pretty!

TheDrifter | 23

#5673513 - Saturday 14 September 2013 20:04

It's a relativity thing. Light travels faster than sound, that's why so many people seem bright until you hear them speak.

edmunson | 22

#5675520 - Monday 16 September 2013 8:22

Yes! Why just sit and let others think you are stupid, when you can speak and remove all doubt!

By ashleyhalla | 21

#5673482 - Saturday 14 September 2013 19:49

Lol that was actually kind of funny. Keep that in mind when he's talking to you next and get your revenge :)

Uhscanherdarklee | 10

#5673896 - Sunday 15 September 2013 3:19

Better moment would be when they're cuddling and he wants to try for sex. "Cuddling feels so nice, why must you ruin it with your penis?"