Today, I was talking to my husband about our favorite TV show,...

By sammieshortcake - United States

Today, I was talking to my husband about our favorite TV show, when he took my face in his hands and sweetly whispered, "You're so pretty. Why must you ruin it with words?" FML

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sammieshortcake tells us more :

He was actually joking when he said it. I just thought it was funny because of the way he said it like he was being all romantic, so I submitted it. So stoked it got published! And to the person who said yeah "our" favorite show-it was Game of Thrones, which is both of our favorite shows. lol

Love

Walk on the wild side

Social distancing done right

Reverse psychology

By InNeedOfFriends - United States

Today, I got all dressed up, in high heels and a sparkly dress, to sit in the library for most of the night so that my roommate and his friends would believe that I have a social life. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, it was sunny and bright so I woke up feeling great. I pulled back the curtains in my room and saw my cat dead on the lawn. FML

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By jellybean - United States

Today, there was something itching me in my bed, it was the tag to my pillow case. I ripped it off, very hard and slipped and punched myself right in the face. I broke my nose. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I got a text message. My phone was sitting on the edge of the bed and set on vibrate, so it fell off. I reached down to grab my phone and fell off the bed. My macbook landed on top of me. I fractured my arm and broke my laptop to read a text from facebook. FML

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By loveless - Australia

Today, I realised that the last three people to see my intimate parts these last weeks were my beautician, my doctor and the lady who did my check up ultra sound. Oh, and I'm married. FML

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By Phycheledic - United States

Today, I was volunteering at the daycare in my area. When this one kid was leaving, he asked his mom, "Why is she so ugly?" FML

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By Torvaltz - United States - Clinton

Today, during an important meeting, I forgot the name for West Virginia and described it as, "Virginia a bit to the left". FML

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By Thanksmom - United States - Riverside

Today, my mom yelled at me for going through her closet for some warmer clothes. She had a rant about taking her clothes without her permission, all while wearing a pair of my boots and one of my sweaters. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2020 05:00

TMI

Today, I was trying to teach my Aunt and Gran to use Google drive to share and upload pictures, when I scrolled past an image of my… yep. I didn't have a mirror when the pic was taken and I was concerned about a sore. Now they just think I'm a whore. FML

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By KS - United States

Today, at the end of a really long day my boyfriend was rubbing my back. I told him I appreciated how sensitive he was being. His response? "I was just trying to figure out how to unhook your bra." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked for permission to marry the girl I love. Her father not only said no, he said "HELL no!" FML

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By ooops - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I went to have dinner with my girlfriend and her family. It got silent, so, noticing her legs were darker than they were a few hours ago, I wanted to ask her if she used tanning lotion. I ended up asking her if her legs were fake. Her dad has prosthetic legs. FML

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By blububble412 - United States - Sierra Vista

Today, we had a drug search at school. After the search, we went back inside. My bag was open, and my lunch was gone. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2020 05:01

Collateral damage

Today, my sweet, nonviolent boyfriend found out my daughter's asshole boyfriend had hit her, so he rugby-tackled him so hard, it ripped the door right out of the frame and into the garden. I never knew he had it in him, so I'm proud, but now we've got to fix the door. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2020 19:02 - United States - Weslaco

Show me where it hurts

Today, I learned that pregnancy makes me more prone to migraines, but the only pain killer I can take makes me vomit. So I have to choose between being in pain and vomiting for hours on end. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Westwood

Today, I witnessed a car accident. Being an experienced paramedic, I rushed to the scene to see if anyone needed help. As I assessed the people involved, one of them pickpocketed me. FML

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By coloring is not for me - United States

Today, in an attempt to lower my stress and anxiety, I tried out an anti-stress coloring page on my phone. I couldn't get the color to evenly fill inside the lines and it stressed me out even more, to the point where I started crying at work. FML

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By Jake - United States - Athens

Today, I woke up with a used condom on my face. Turns out my roommate had sex with his girlfriend during the night and instead of getting up and throwing it away, he decided to throw it across the room. FML

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By virginkiller - Singapore

Today, my girlfriend revealed to me that she has primeisodophobia. What is primeisodophobia, you may ask? Well, it's the fear of losing your virginity. FML

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By Mintilou - United Kingdom - Wednesbury

Today, like everyday, I got on the train heading back from my university campus in Preston. Usually, it takes 20 minutes. When I sat down, I realised it was a non-stop service to Glasgow and the doors had closed. It took me 7 hours by train and a lift from my best friend at 2 a.m. to get home. FML

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By sarahcurtis213 - United States

Today, I was at the library using a computer to order a package. A man sat down next to me mumbling to himself while staring at me. As I got up to go to the printer, he pointed at me and screamed, "I will burn you alive and enjoy it!" All of my info including my address was still on the computer screen. FML

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By Mxx - 12/3/2020 12:30 - United Kingdom

Marcel Duchamp would be proud

Today, I was looking through an old box of personal artwork when I realised the entire box was damp. This was all my own art from the past 3 years, smudged and smelling of cat urine. I was supposed to showcase some of it in a competition winning gallery this month. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Blackpool

Today, I was clipping my nails. When I got to my toenail, the whole thing somehow ripped right out. I'm in agony. FML

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By sorryyouweregone - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I was at a goodbye dinner with friends before I move back to America. A friend called to cry over relationship problems she refuses to fix. While I was outside trying to politely get off the phone, my friends ate and drank everything I'd ordered and closed the bill. FML

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By ihateeverything - United States - Granbury

Today, I dreamed that I cheated on my boyfriend. I was so overwhelmed with guilt that I called him while half-asleep to tell him about it and apologize. I'm fully awake now and he doesn't believe it was really a dream. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Call Mario

Today, I was making out with a guy in a washroom at a party. Things got heavy and the guy lifted me onto the sink. The sink broke off from the wall. This caused a flood in the apartment. The party was canceled. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I proudly gave my grandma a picture I had drawn for her. She didn't seem thrilled with it, and afterwards the rest of my family seemed upset. Nobody could fathom why I drew grandma a picture of a graveyard for her 85th birthday. It was suppose to be a bridge. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was flirting with a cute girl at a club. She seemed into me and said I was hot. I said thanks and grinned. I guess my grin looked psychopathic, because her expression turned to horror and she quickly excused herself. That was the only girl who's ever shown any interest in me. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were choosing animals that reminded us of eachother. I said he reminded me of a tiger because he is really muscular. He told me I reminded him of a zebra. When I asked him why, he said it was because of my stretchmarks. FML

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By Anonameow

Today, I woke up to an unexpected surprise for my birthday. It wasn't cake, nor ice cream. It was hundreds of baby spiders crawling all over me. FML

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By anna14 - United States

Today, I learned a little lesson about consequences. Yesterday, I ate a quarter as a dare. Today, I tried to poop it out. It got stuck coming out. I had to go to the doctor and explain everything. FML

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By CrimsonAmaryllis - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, after two and a half hours of travel, it was finally my stop on the train. I politely waited for a group of women to get off first. They took so long to move that the train doors closed. I shouted at one through the door to call the conductor. She watched and smiled as the train departed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend texted one of her male friends, saying she's turned off by the thought of sex with me. She suggested a bit of "exercise sex" with him. I'm sure he would have eagerly agreed, if he'd been the one receiving the texts. FML

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By annoyed - Netherlands - Maastricht

Today, I sent my boyfriend a sweet text message, since he recently complained that I'm rarely romantic. Instead of being happy, he decided that since it's so out of character for me, I must be cheating on him and must have only sent it out of guilt. FML

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By Goody2shoes - India

Today, my mom found my pack of cigarettes. She's now making me go to rehab. I had only smoked one cigarette ever just to try it. I didn't even like it. FML

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By Angelofkarma - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years took me to get a tattoo done with his name on. He paid for it. After it was done he told me it was over between us and he thought it'd be a nice reminder of him for me. FML

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By Wrenda Witt - 15/6/2020 14:02

Not interested

Today, it has officially been two and half months since I've had sex. I've done everything imaginable to entice him, but my boyfriend doesn't seem bothered at all. FML

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By SimG - Canada - Cambridge

Today, I was going to fight the guy who my girlfriend left me for. While waiting at the park, he sent me a video of the two of them having sex on my bed. FML

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By Sheezey - United States

Today, I went to the gym and worked out with a trainer. While doing arm exercises he commented on how impressed he was with the size of my triceps. That really boosted my self-confidence, until he leaned in to feel them and said, "Oh, it's just fat." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my fiancé was performing oral on me, when I heard him start making a "Waka waka waka waka" noise. He confessed to pretending to be Pacman. FML

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Top comments

By lonewolf621 | 17

#5673443 - Saturday 14 September 2013 19:39

Sometimes silence is golden.

By Grauncho | 26

#5673452 - Saturday 14 September 2013 19:41

Well, we now know he didn't marry you for your personality.

COMMENTS

By lonewolf621 | 17

#5673443 - Saturday 14 September 2013 19:39

Sometimes silence is golden.

Welshite | 39

#5673455 - Saturday 14 September 2013 19:43

No wonder I'm always so poor. I can never shut up long enough to collect my gold.

TheCanucklehead | 22

#5673463 - Saturday 14 September 2013 19:44

I don't collect gold. Gold collects me

Enslaved | 36

#5673504 - Saturday 14 September 2013 20:00

"Stay gold, Ponyboy. Stay gold."

micha090 | 21

#5673557 - Saturday 14 September 2013 20:38

I like the way he put it OP. He's a keeper :-)

Jessa91 | 10

#5673561 - Saturday 14 September 2013 20:39

Silence is gold, duct tape is silver.

depocadoll | 15

#5673575 - Saturday 14 September 2013 20:49

Silence is golden... If you were talking about the Kardashians or something as equally as sickening.

MissCharlotte_fml | 26

#5673585 - Saturday 14 September 2013 20:58

Enslaved, I love you for that reference.

By Demonax_fml | 8

#5673444 - Saturday 14 September 2013 19:39

At least he said it gently

mattjamt | 16

#5673631 - Saturday 14 September 2013 21:54

Maybe he meant that she was beautiful he wanted to "gaze at her uninterrupted". (OPs husband, feel free to use that as an excuse!)

blakesinthelake | 11

#5673941 - Sunday 15 September 2013 3:54

At least he didn't call you ugly

By ericnx | 8

#5673448 - Saturday 14 September 2013 19:40

What a moment.

mn_shr | 22

#5674538 - Sunday 15 September 2013 16:40

Who said romance was dead?

By Grauncho | 26

#5673452 - Saturday 14 September 2013 19:41

Well, we now know he didn't marry you for your personality.

UnluckyGenius | 21

#5673460 - Saturday 14 September 2013 19:44

Maybe she just sounds like the actress who played the mom Married with Children.

drizzy11 | 18

#5673584 - Saturday 14 September 2013 20:58

Peggy Bundy. Great show.

By Grayness_ | 26

#5673458 - Saturday 14 September 2013 19:43

You can tell he had been wanting to say that for a long time when he put his hands on your face lmao

By naxeeb | 33

#5673461 - Saturday 14 September 2013 19:44

Awww, that's so shallow of him. Considering that he was serious. Even if he was joking, it was still rude!

PuggieKid | 22

#5673970 - Sunday 15 September 2013 4:32

How is that shallow? he SWEETLY whispered it to her so she didn't feel bad

vipirius | 18

#5674300 - Sunday 15 September 2013 10:41

It's pretty shallow to marry someone just for their looks.

By lickastick | 27

#5673465 - Saturday 14 September 2013 19:45

Sure you weren't talking AT your husband?

TheDrifter | 23

#5673510 - Saturday 14 September 2013 20:03

Or while the show she was discussing was on? That drives me insane.

By chris4u2nv5 | 19

#5673469 - Saturday 14 September 2013 19:46

Sometimes you just need to shut up an hold him

By perdix | 29

#5673478 - Saturday 14 September 2013 19:48

It took you until now to realize that he has no respect for your intellect?

I guess figuring things out is not your strong suit . . . at least he thinks you're pretty!

TheDrifter | 23

#5673513 - Saturday 14 September 2013 20:04

It's a relativity thing. Light travels faster than sound, that's why so many people seem bright until you hear them speak.

edmunson | 22

#5675520 - Monday 16 September 2013 8:22

Yes! Why just sit and let others think you are stupid, when you can speak and remove all doubt!

By ashleyhalla | 21

#5673482 - Saturday 14 September 2013 19:49

Lol that was actually kind of funny. Keep that in mind when he's talking to you next and get your revenge :)

Uhscanherdarklee | 10

#5673896 - Sunday 15 September 2013 3:19

Better moment would be when they're cuddling and he wants to try for sex. "Cuddling feels so nice, why must you ruin it with your penis?"