Intimacy: Today, my girlfriend told me to Google how to last longer in...

By anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me to Google how to last longer in bed. FML

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Intimacy

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Furry

Scoville scale

By foreveralone - United States

Today, it was the second anniversary of the day I met my girlfriend. I had to go to work, but I set an engagement ring and a letter on my pillow for when she woke up, and left breakfast for her on the counter. When I got home, she and all of her things were gone. FML

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By curlyisnogood

Today, I walked in on my roommate flat-ironing his pubic hair. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while discussing having sex for the first time with my boyfriend, I asked what method of birth control we should use. He replied, "Anal." FML

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By fml - Canada

Today, I walked to the end of my driveway to pick up the newspaper. I read the front page that was talking about people who have been getting hurt from slipping on ice. Laughing about that thought and walking up my driveway, I slip. FML

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By thefailwhale - United States - Hartford

Today, it was my birthday. When my crush spotted me in the hallway and wished me a Happy Birthday, my nerves got the best of me and I blurted, "You too". FML

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By whoops.. - United States - Garner

Today, I learned that when a man in the row in front of you at a movie theater tells you to shut up, you shouldn't tell him to fuck off. He might be 6'4 with a short temper. FML

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By analinguist - United States

Today, while playing Star Wars: The Force Unleashed, my phone rang, and I instinctively tried to pick it up with the Force. I kept trying until it stopped ringing. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2020 08:04 - United States

Worldstar! Worldstar!

Today, I went to buy some flowers for the anniversary of my grandpa's death. I was feeling sad as I finished paying, but as soon as I got near the exit, two women started fighting at the door. We had to wait for the fight to finish because the staff decided to record it and not break it up. FML

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By J - United Kingdom

Today, I watched Paranormal Activity which is known to be the scariest film ever. After the film, I went to brush my teeth and out of the corner of my eye I saw the bathroom door closing by itself. I jumped out of my skin and stabbed myself in the eye with my toothbrush. It was just my dog. FML

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By 44haley44 - United States

Today, I woke up to my pants off and my vibrator still on. I fell asleep masturbating. FML

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23617

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By PangolinScholar - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I found that I conduct so much static electricity that I'm periodically given a shock by my headphones as I walk with them on. 5ML

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36226

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By anon - United States - Bullhead City

Today, my husband and I decided to have a quickie before the kids woke up from their nap. The sex was amazing and I couldn't hold in my screams or not hit the wall. About 15 minutes in, both of our children came busting in with their nerf guns, screaming, "Where's the monster?" FML

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By Geemeisters - United Kingdom - Studley

Today, after several months desperately searching for a job and feeling pretty insecure and unimportant, I drove 15 miles to a job interview. On parking my car at the destination, I found that during my drive a spider had been making a cobweb between the car and my hair. FML

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21982

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By missalexa - United States

Today, upon getting out of the shower, I discovered the towel I grabbed off the rack had dried poop on it. Apparently, during my sister's birthday party yesterday, we'd run out of toilet paper. FML

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37432

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By Anonymous - United States - Spring Valley

Today, I woke up early to bake cinnamon rolls for a party. I came home later to find the whole tray spilled onto the floor, most of the rolls eaten, and my dog sitting happily nearby. FML

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By UkuleleTime - United States - Garner

Today, after walking in on my roommate, I found out that pleasuring yourself with a shoe is a thing. It wouldn't have been so bad if the shoe hadn't been mine. FML

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32684

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By ellesworth

Today, while sharing my screen with our tech guy at work, I forgot he was there and opened Facetime to pick a zit on my chin. After going in for the squeeze, I horrifyingly remembered he could see everything and quickly closed it. After a few seconds, he said, "Did you get it?" FML

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By thosedamnkids - United States

Today, I was working at Staples and organizing some notebooks. All of a sudden, I jumped up because of a sharp pain in my back. A little girl had grabbed a stapler and stapled my back. FML

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43236

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By Blöde Gans - United States - Ormond Beach

Today, my mom booked a family trip to Sweden. This would be great, if she hadn't asked me to tell our former German exchange student that we were coming to visit her in Germany. She was thrilled. Now I have to be the one to let her down. FML

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By Anna - United States - Lake City

Today, I was looking at dating profiles with my single friend, trying to find a guy for her, and we found my husband's profile. FML

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19204

Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By CC - United States - Southfield

Today, I was icing an injured foot with a frozen water bottle as the doctor directed me. When I was done, I picked the bottle up and immediately dropped it on the same injured foot, which is now swollen and bruised. FML

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By stunned - United States

Today, my boyfriend of almost a year and a half broke up with me when he decided he wasn't in love with me anymore. We gave our stuff back, he was joking and happy the whole time until I told him I was taking back my cat. At that point he burst into tears. FML

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36684

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By Oops - United States - Anchorage

Today, while celebrating my birthday, my friends hired a few escorts to make the party more interesting. This was a really bad way to learn that my sister is a prostitute. FML

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By Kin - United States

Today, a girl I've liked for several years gave me her number. Finally, I worked up the courage to call her. It was a suicide help line. FML

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By Doy - Canada

Today, I told my boyfriend that I didn't know what I was going to do over the Christmas holidays since he was going to be out of the country. He suggested that I work out and do some sit-ups. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boss tried to fire me for not emailing him a screenshot to prove my email wasn't working. FML

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20927

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By anon

Today, I wore a Stanford college T-shirt to school. My Spanish teacher took one look at it and said "You wish". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Philadelphia

Today, it was my first day at my new school. I've never been the new girl before, so I asked my best friend for advice. She said, "Whatever you do, do not, under any circumstances, be yourself." FML

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48076

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a call from the Hollister manager yelling at me for not showing up for work that night. I was never informed I got the job. I missed my first day of work. FML

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68630

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By FlatTire - United States

Today, I found out that I have enough driving skills to manage to hit a pothole and have two of my tires go flat. FML

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13958

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally got the courage to talk to a guy I secretly like. I was so nervous that instead of saying, "Hi, I'm Veronica," I said, "Veronica, I'm high." FML

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37115

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2020 05:01 - United States

Egg IRL

Today, I was eating out with my family. I have 2 brothers. Our waitress comes and says, "Look at those 3 handsome young men." I didn't think of it until my 5-year-old brother shouted, " She's a girl!'" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, like every day for the past year or so, I went for a walk. And like every time I go for a walk, I got severely winded halfway through. I have no medical issues like asthma, I’m just out of shape. FML

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1105

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By roxyriley - United States

Today, a friend of mine and I were talking about how hygienic we are. She mentioned she hadn't shaved her downstairs in a while. I was looking at the computer when she said this so when I turned to look at her I saw she had pulled down her pants and underwear. I was face to face with hairy muff. FML

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25587

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By Ben - United States

Today, I was arrested for DWI in my own apartment complex. I had to be released into the custody of a sober adult, but I wasn't allowed access to my phone to get any numbers. I only have a few memorized. So I was picked up from jail by my ex-girlfriend and her fiancé - my manager at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20964

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend took me to dinner. There was a beautifully decorated table with rose petals and a huge bouquet and he told me he had ordered all this for me. I'd never felt so special. That is, until I had to get up for the couple whose table it actually was. FML

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49135

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By mrmatt008 - France

Today, I got back to work from a 3 week vacation. My boss had asked me to get him something so when I returned I presented him with a shotglass with the British flag on it. I later found out that he is a recovering alcoholic. FML

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42931

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By single - China

Today, my wife and I were watching TV. The lady on the show began to talk about how to have a smooth divorce. My wife discreetly turned the volume up. FML

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46748

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By booksandshadows - United States - San Diego

Today, while walking through Wal-Mart I noticed a cute employee. With a sudden burst of confidence, I walked right up to him, intending to ask for his number. Instead, I looked him in the eye and said, "Excuse me sir, how much do you know about bedsheets?" and then ran. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Charleston

Today, I woke up to several dead snails and worms all over my bed. I guess that's what my little sister meant yesterday when she said I'd be sorry for not letting her play on my phone. FML

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Top comments

By Cuuba | 0

#1713191 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 9:36

"Hey baby, why don't you come over to myspace and twitter my yahoo so I can google all over your facebook?" haha, awe yeeah.

By ERTH_fml | 0

#1713029 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 9:04

it's called MASTURBATION!
twice a day should do the trick :)

COMMENTS

By marinus_fml | 19

#1713026 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 9:04

I hope you followed her orders!

ColetteL | 4

#1713087 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 9:11

Girlfriend WIN!

stephanie0613 | 0

#1713257 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 9:56

Hahaha I just saw degrassi and one of the boys google'd it :D haha I agree girlfriend WIN .

dudeitsdanny | 9

#1713337 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 10:19

^^^ FYL for watching Degrassi.

That kid is the only remainder of the good Degrassi day, though.

Danniiboii22 | 0

#1713353 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 10:23

drake?

By mcrepas | 19

#1713028 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 9:04

ouch! first!

By ERTH_fml | 0

#1713029 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 9:04

it's called MASTURBATION!
twice a day should do the trick :)

dudeitsdanny | 9

#1713143 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 9:23

But too much of it and you'll get a bad rash.

MrDanimal | 0

#1713569 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 12:11

I can masturbate for a whole day straight and not get a rash, try washing your hands before. Or stop doing it with sandpaper...

chloec16 | 0

#1713592 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 12:16

Uh, a whole day? sandpaper? what da heck?!

ScreamAimFire | 0

#1713835 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 14:18

masterbate with sandpaper, dont try that. downgrading isnt an option in your situation

cabbitt | 0

#1714016 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 15:32

42-The sandpaper is a reference to an FmL from yesterday.

By 510lobita510 | 0

#1713035 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 9:05

burned!!!!!!!

yea_or_no | 0

#1716056 - Thursday 18 November 2010 1:24

yls ydi for having a weakened penis

By Pluff | 0

#1713037 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 9:05

Well, yea. Everyone knows Google is the pimp of every search engine. Google will help you for sure.

By tdub10 | 2

#1713051 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 9:07

Its called foreplay.

MrDanimal | 0

#1803604 - Monday 6 December 2010 20:02

Take sleeping pills, you be in bed much longer ;)

gabsta | 3

#1882968 - Thursday 23 December 2010 16:01

hhahahahaha 94

By harviss12 | 8

#1713070 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 9:08

u fail at life

By Efilyn | 0

#1713102 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 9:15

Isn't that absolutely touching?

By JocelynKaulitz | 28

#1713127 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 9:20

Get to it instead of being on FML!

By chelle_starlight | 0

#1713140 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 9:23

Bing!

TexanDanny | 2

#1713204 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 9:40

Zing!

And_Jelly | 0

#1713279 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 10:02

Ding!

emmi23 | 0

#1713430 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 10:49

ping

perdix | 29

#1713474 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 11:22

Bazinga

triviumrocks | 4

#1713859 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 14:24

meow

10_4Franky | 0

#1713967 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 15:14

A meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, cat a kitty cat.

tessybearbear | 4

#1714426 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 17:24

Cats, I'm a kitty cat, and I meow meow meow and I meow meow meow. Cats, I'm a kitty cat, and I dance dance dance and I dance dance dance.

collegegirl87 | 0

#1714483 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 17:37

Haha! I love that video!