Intimacy: Today, my girlfriend told me to Google how to last longer in...

By anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me to Google how to last longer in bed. FML

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29731

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Intimacy

BO Central

Walk on the wild side

They're not real

By zinka - United States

Today, I took the bus to Boston. My bike is in Boston. My bike lock is in Boston. The key is in New York. FML

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16864

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By ToiletProblems - United States - Northbrook

Today, I decided to use the disabled toilet in work to get a little extra privacy while I did my business. The cleaners who unlocked the door from the outside and barged in on me were nice and waited until I finished to apologize and explain there were complaints the door had been locked for days. FML

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2025

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By simpleasjam - United Kingdom - Worcester Park

Today, I screamed at a taxi driver to not run over a hedgehog. He got a fright and ended up pulling over. I hopped out and ran to the middle of the road to pick up the hedgehog and leave him on the grass by the path. As I got closer and went to pick up said hedgehog, I realised it was a pinecone. FML

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9126

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By Karmaisabitch - United States - Boulder

Today, I wanted to prank my roommate. So, I thought it would be funny to take all the toilet paper out of our bathroom. She thought it would be funny to wipe with my cashmere sweater. FML

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8244

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By WellThatSucks - United States

Today, I discovered my dog pooped in my bed, under the covers, by rolling over onto it. FML

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13115

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By winks - United States - Reno

Today, I got into a car accident that was my fault. The other driver was my professor. FML

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9484

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1693

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By fuckcops - United States

Today, I got my paycheck. I was really excited since I've been broke for the last two weeks. On my way home, I got pulled over and got a ticket for expired tags. The $90 for new tags plus $135 for the citation will leave me with enough to buy a burger. FML

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22744

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By Anonymous - United States - Columbus

Today, I spent nearly an hour trying to take a decent photo for my dating site profile. Not 20 minutes after uploading it, I got a message saying "Srsly dude stop trying, u look like Rosie O'Donnell." FML

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21947

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By Liz - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend had his phone taken away by his dad for this past week. I have been sending him naked photos and other naughty things this entire week, or so I thought. FML

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16385

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By ActionBastard - 23/4/2021 04:59

Make your mind up

Today, I was chewed out by my boss for reporting someone not wearing a mask in our store, because, "no one likes a snitch." I'm the security guard. It's my job to report that to her. FML

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1033

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By justthinkofyourhand - United States - Salida

Today, after five years of dating, my boyfriend finally proposed to me. The words "just think of the tax breaks" were uttered. FML

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45461

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By Li - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I shouted, "Fuck off!" out of reflex when I felt someone behind me grab my bag and pull it off my shoulder. It turned out to be an elderly man with a walking stick, who was trying to steady himself in a busy crowd. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28875

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By yeastly - United States - Amery

Today, I was sitting the living room, when my mom commented on the smell of garlic in the air. After ten minutes of searching for the source, she gave up. I was too embarrassed to admit that I'd tried using garlic to cure my yeast infection. FML

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11941

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, is my birthday and my friends and I went to our favorite pub to celebrate. As I'm a little broke at the moment, they all offered to buy me birthday drinks. Which I later learned meant that they would order them for me and bring it to the table, but put everything on my tab. FML

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32441

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By cootiequeen - United States

Today, at work, a lady approached me asking if I'd found a used cloth diaper on a table, and I told her it was probably in the trash. She said "That's okay, I can wash it." So I searched through several bags of trash, and when I couldn't find it, she said "Oh never mind! It's in my bag." FML

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44478

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4573

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By maddyUnderstood

Today, I went into a job interview for Quizno's. The boss there talked to me for an hour and half about everything on God's green earth. She noticed I was a certified swim instructor. I left Quizno's with no job, but with an appointment to teach the boss how to swim tomorrow at 9 a.m. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1699

You deserved it

159

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By kissless - United States

Today, my boyfriend left for a month-long trip with his buddies. I stood near the door waiting for a goodbye kiss. He kissed his xbox goodbye instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41332

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5855

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By cathater - United States - Eddington

Stupid cat

Today, as I was getting dressed for my big date, my cat pooped on my only shoes. FML

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1854

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729

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By fuckered519 - United States - Du Quoin

Today, being useless at thinking of gifts, I asked my boyfriend what he wants for Christmas. I said it could be anything that I could afford. He looked me in the eye and said very seriously: "Anal." FML

I agree, your life sucks

40085

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12522

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By mk - Canada

Today, I had a big craving for a popsicle so I went to a convenience store and bought one. On my first bite, my upper lip got stuck to it. I ripped it off and spent the next 10 minutes trying to stop the bleeding from the giant cut I'd put in my lip. It hurt too much to finish the popsicle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43330

You deserved it

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By mclovin09 - United States

Today, my wife entered in an ugliest sweater competition at her work. She wore a plain white sweater with a picture of my face printed on it. She came home with first prize. FML

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40982

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4085

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By Tyler_Padgett - United States

Today, I was lighting fireworks for my cousin's birthday in my Grandmother's yard. When it came time to light the "Grand Finale", I read on the outside of the box,"Face this side toward crowd for best result". After I lit it, I realized that it was on it's side. I shot 100 fireworks at my family. FML

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13937

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58954

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By Oh really - Australia

Today, my friend mentioned a book that reminded her of me. When I asked what it was called she said, "He's just not that into you". FML

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23744

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By Iman - United States

Today, I found out that the girl I've been dating online for over three months is actually a very bored 14-year-old boy. FML

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116598

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By Idigrespectfulattire - Trinidad and Tobago - Port-of-spain

Today, my brother wore a T-shirt to my birthday party that said "I dig skinny chicks". I'm a recovering anorexic and told him that I didn't really like his shirt. His response? "Don't let the liberal media brainwash you into thinking it's OK to be fat." FML

I agree, your life sucks

36305

You deserved it

4979

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, my little girl spoke her first word. It was ''Daddy''. Daddy left before she was born and she has never met him before. FML

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48914

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By notyourbaby - 7/3/2021 19:58

Weirdo cousin

Today, I found out my cousin stole my used pregnancy test and ultrasound pictures the last time she came to visit, and tried to fake a pregnancy. This was two years ago when she stayed at my house. I just found out I'm pregnant again, and guess who just asked to come to stay and "visit"? FML

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1119

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By StrawHatBill - United States

Today, I found out that honestly answering "yes" to "Are Kate Upton's boobs bigger than mine?" is in my girlfriend's mind the equivalent of saying I don't find her attractive anymore and that I want to break up with her to date a supermodel. FML

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32197

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By shades - United Kingdom

Today, at our wedding reception my new father-in-law gave his speech, saying his little girl was too good for me. Everyone, including my parents, agreed. FML

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33299

You deserved it

3397

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By Fatality - Canada

Today, for once, I managed to get my boyfriend's mind off the hockey game. I muted the TV and cuddled up to him. Only thirty seconds into snuggling, he shoved me onto the floor and screamed, "GOAL!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

18899

You deserved it

30809

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By dileigh - United States

Today, I received my graduation gift, a bath robe, from my parents. My have two older sisters also graduated. The first one got a Tiffany's bracelet, the second one got a plane ticket to Europe. FML

I agree, your life sucks

75111

You deserved it

3611

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after having my jaw wired shut for 2 months, I finally got to eat. During the first bite of my sandwich I pulled my jaw out of place. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48766

You deserved it

4879

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By Anonymous

Today, while on a family Disney world vacation, I saw a kid shitting on a public bathroom's floor. It was my kid. He's 10. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45719

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By razordot - Australia - Brisbane

Today, after complaining all my life that no one makes a decent can opener, I have realised that I have been using them the wrong way. I finally figured out that the cutting blade goes on the SIDE of the can not the TOP. I'm 57 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1046

You deserved it

1980

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By UnexpectedMom - 31/12/2020 02:01

The fertility dance worked

Today, I'm currently 9 months pregnant with my second child within 3 years. I was told by 4 different doctors over the course of the past 5 years that I'm incapable of having kids, due to a medical condition that affects my reproductive system. FML

I agree, your life sucks

636

You deserved it

305

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, a co-worker asked me if I have a Facebook account, and I said I do. I had to politely smile as he spent the next half hour insulting me for supposedly being glued to it 24/7, before claiming that it's all a CIA front to steal people's social security details. Why are nutjobs like this even alive? FML

I agree, your life sucks

21263

You deserved it

3239

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By tooflufoschool - United States

Today, I was in bed sick from pneumonia. I asked my boyfriend to nuke a can of soup for me. He said "in a sec, let me finish this game" and continued to play on his Xbox for an hour. Starving, I crawled out to make soup. When I sat down to eat, he paused the game and asked "you didn't make me any?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

44694

You deserved it

5511

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend and I were looking up sexy clothes for me to wear while role-playing. I saw something I liked and asked him if we should get it. When he saw the model wearing it in the picture, he asked "Does it come with the girl?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

3273

You deserved it

714

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By HellaBomber91 - United States

Today, I discovered that my boss listens to the things we say about him on the audio-enabled cameras at our work. I'm thus currently jobless. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11050

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out apparently I sleep walk. My boyfriend has been filming me and uploading it all to Youtube. FML

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Top comments

By Cuuba | 0

#1713191 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 9:36

"Hey baby, why don't you come over to myspace and twitter my yahoo so I can google all over your facebook?" haha, awe yeeah.

By ERTH_fml | 0

#1713029 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 9:04

it's called MASTURBATION!
twice a day should do the trick :)

COMMENTS

By marinus_fml | 19

#1713026 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 9:04

I hope you followed her orders!

ColetteL | 4

#1713087 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 9:11

Girlfriend WIN!

stephanie0613 | 0

#1713257 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 9:56

Hahaha I just saw degrassi and one of the boys google'd it :D haha I agree girlfriend WIN .

dudeitsdanny | 9

#1713337 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 10:19

^^^ FYL for watching Degrassi.

That kid is the only remainder of the good Degrassi day, though.

Danniiboii22 | 0

#1713353 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 10:23

drake?

By mcrepas | 19

#1713028 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 9:04

ouch! first!

By ERTH_fml | 0

#1713029 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 9:04

it's called MASTURBATION!
twice a day should do the trick :)

dudeitsdanny | 9

#1713143 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 9:23

But too much of it and you'll get a bad rash.

MrDanimal | 0

#1713569 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 12:11

I can masturbate for a whole day straight and not get a rash, try washing your hands before. Or stop doing it with sandpaper...

chloec16 | 0

#1713592 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 12:16

Uh, a whole day? sandpaper? what da heck?!

ScreamAimFire | 0

#1713835 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 14:18

masterbate with sandpaper, dont try that. downgrading isnt an option in your situation

cabbitt | 0

#1714016 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 15:32

42-The sandpaper is a reference to an FmL from yesterday.

By 510lobita510 | 0

#1713035 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 9:05

burned!!!!!!!

yea_or_no | 0

#1716056 - Thursday 18 November 2010 1:24

yls ydi for having a weakened penis

By Pluff | 0

#1713037 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 9:05

Well, yea. Everyone knows Google is the pimp of every search engine. Google will help you for sure.

By tdub10 | 2

#1713051 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 9:07

Its called foreplay.

MrDanimal | 0

#1803604 - Monday 6 December 2010 20:02

Take sleeping pills, you be in bed much longer ;)

gabsta | 3

#1882968 - Thursday 23 December 2010 16:01

hhahahahaha 94

By harviss12 | 8

#1713070 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 9:08

u fail at life

By Efilyn | 0

#1713102 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 9:15

Isn't that absolutely touching?

By JocelynKaulitz | 28

#1713127 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 9:20

Get to it instead of being on FML!

By chelle_starlight | 0

#1713140 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 9:23

Bing!

TexanDanny | 2

#1713204 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 9:40

Zing!

And_Jelly | 0

#1713279 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 10:02

Ding!

emmi23 | 0

#1713430 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 10:49

ping

perdix | 29

#1713474 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 11:22

Bazinga

triviumrocks | 4

#1713859 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 14:24

meow

10_4Franky | 0

#1713967 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 15:14

A meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, cat a kitty cat.

tessybearbear | 4

#1714426 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 17:24

Cats, I'm a kitty cat, and I meow meow meow and I meow meow meow. Cats, I'm a kitty cat, and I dance dance dance and I dance dance dance.

collegegirl87 | 0

#1714483 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 17:37

Haha! I love that video!