Love: Today, my girlfriend of 15 months broke up with me. Best part?...

this is the poster, and i hadnt given her the ring yet but she knew i had it, which makes it douche-ier. and yeah im a lesbian, no im not the man in the relationship, im lipstick, and i told that bitch she had lost her fucking mind. and that i would be picking up my hamster next week. btw. forever and always was not a promise, it was a like inside saying between me and her that we developed as friends. and when youre a college kid who makes less than 300 a month with bills to pay a $120 ring is expensive so thanks. but yes i have the ring and the hamster and that bitch is gone!

Love

Batman

Mother of the year

Yada yada yada

What's updog?

By bu09 - 07/03/2009 20:34

Today, all of my friends and teachers asked me what was wrong because I looked sad and tired. One kid even said that I looked like "an abused housewife the day after." I was fine. It was the first time I went to school without wearing any makeup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 320

You deserved it 9 652

28/12/2017 15:30

Today, I discovered the importance of having sex before marriage. We found out that my husband is gay on our wedding night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 837

You deserved it 1 609

02/05/2010 00:12

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to do something fun and spontaneous, so we had sex in the disabled toilet in the shopping centre. Little did we know, the male AND female toilets were conveniently being cleaned at the time, so the only toilet open was the disabled one. Walk of shame. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 253

You deserved it 47 405

24/02/2015 04:58

Today, I bought How To Train Your Dragon and the cashier started complaining how her kids keep demanding dragon stuff and that mine will start after they see the movie. I don't have any kids, and I didn't have the courage to tell her I was buying it for myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 016

You deserved it 5 326

27/11/2008 05:30

Today, I was in India. At the airport, the men and women were being searched separately. The guy welcoming us pointed me towards the women's area. I had to explain to him that I was a guy. It took 15 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 024

You deserved it 3 858

15/01/2015 20:30

Today, I wanted to surprise my roommate by picking her up from class with her dog. Her dog decided to surprise me by dumping a load on my passenger seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 027

You deserved it 16 468

24/11/2009 22:47

Today, some girl punched me in the face and left a huge purple bruise. Apparently her boyfriend has been cheating on her with me because she always sees him walking me home. Her boyfriend is my older brother who didn't bother telling her who I was because "he wanted to see what she would do." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 928

You deserved it 2 652

06/04/2017 14:00

Today, at work, I went to place a small item on a shelf. The shelf fell on me, trapping my hand. While lifting it, the top shelf fell against my chest and the products all dumped on my face. I then realized the shelves were only held up by zip ties. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 779

You deserved it 340

24/04/2012 01:48

Today, I faked back pain to get out of sex with my wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 485

You deserved it 36 357

04/12/2010 00:11

Today, my boyfriend was making salsa and got jalepeno juice all over his mouth. A little bit later, he started going down me. He hadn't washed his mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 890

You deserved it 5 868

26/10/2012 07:23

Today, I went out to a restaurant with a girl I have been dating. The only conversation was about how proud she was of her fart during work earlier, and how she managed to clear out a section of the office. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 811

You deserved it 3 210

15/10/2017 01:30

Today, my dad's face flushed when I introduced him to my new boyfriend. I live in a small town, and it turns out my dad recognized him. He's the secret child from an affair two decades ago. He's my half-brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 046

You deserved it 307

20/03/2009 17:40

Today, I found a bell that had been tied into the tassel of my ski hat by my twin sister as part of a longstanding prank war between us. I'm deaf and have apparently been jingling like an elf for over a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 145 575

You deserved it 12 399

Stop! Thief!

By kellthryn - 17/03/2020 23:00

Today, during my work shift, my car got stolen and I had to walk home on the rain. While I was walking home, my stolen car drove by. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 949

You deserved it 206

16/07/2016 01:14

Today, after finally growing my curly hair down to shoulder length, I decided to get it styled for a dinner date. The stylist rolled up the barrel brush on my head and it got stuck. Hello, pixie cut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 576

You deserved it 1 002

05/10/2017 08:00

Today, I proposed. She immediately said no and then broke up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 019

You deserved it 393

15/10/2016 08:51

Today, someone stole my purse and phone while I was giving CPR to someone who had a heart attack on the subway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 400

You deserved it 971

Weddings suck

By Anonymous - 03/12/2020 16:02

Today, I got dragged to a wedding where I knew no-one. It went on for hours, I got so hungry. We get to the meal, my wife had forgotten to order a vegetarian meal for me. I couldn't eat the main meal, due to allergies and no alternative. I then spent two more hours just waiting to go home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 017

You deserved it 242

A for Effort

By Anonymous - 07/01/2021 20:01

Today, I thought I would spice things up a bit and rocked my man's world, but in the kitchen. Apparently, some of his cum must have got on the tiles because I slipped on it 15 minutes later. In doing so I smacked my head on the fridge.. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 057

You deserved it 623

You tried

By LostAlice - 28/03/2021 17:01

Today, I requested a deadline extension at work. The extension was granted, but it didn't apply to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 756

You deserved it 65

23/04/2016 02:22

Today, my boyfriend wrote me a love letter saying about how much he cares for me, how he'd die for me and how he wants to spend his life with me. What really took my breath away was the confession at the end about how he "accidentally" cheated on me with my best friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 032

You deserved it 1 583

11/06/2016 03:27

Today, I'm taking care of my 12-year-old daughter because my ex-wife thought she could cure our daughter's lactose intolerance by sneaking milk into her soy breakfast. The milk had expired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 283

You deserved it 1 234

20/08/2019 12:00

Today, I found out the time I'd requested off for a trip in 2 months, that my boss said that I could go on, wasn't fully processed, just in case he decided I couldn't go. He told me the second part after I'd bought no refund tickets for shows for both me and my girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 689

You deserved it 146

04/10/2017 01:30

Today, during harvest, I got out of my tractor and promptly fell down the stairs, peed my pants, and stepped ankle deep in a mud hole. I sat in wet pants for the next two hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 122

You deserved it 376

30/01/2012 02:36

Today, I arrived at the pizza place I work at to find that I'd been fired. Apparently, the class stoner came in last night and not only demanded a free pizza, but also claimed that I always gave him one. I've never talked to this kid in my life, but my boss still doesn't believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 085

You deserved it 2 063

Is that a pass then?

By Anonymous - 12/09/2020 11:01

Today, I had a piano exam, for which I'd worked hard. I went in, and the examiner asked me to play some scales. I was so nervous, I played 3 octaves and then realised I'd ran out of space. I might have then said, "FUCK!" really loudly… and she heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 860

You deserved it 339

10/01/2013 06:25

Today, my grandmother called me to tell me that there will be a nice, single guy for me to meet at the family reunion. She went on and on about how perfect he was for me. I didn't have the heart to tell her I'm a lesbian, and have been out to the rest of the family for over six years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 989

You deserved it 12 204

16/01/2009 23:19

Today, I decided to clean my room, find a job and ask a girl on a date. I ended up playing video games online. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 260

You deserved it 44 944

Extreme dating

By umm yeah no! - 20/08/2021 13:59

Today, I had to have a serious talk with my new girlfriend about her terrible hygiene. In the two weeks we’ve been dating, she admitted to only having showered "once or twice." She doesn’t see a problem with this, even though the first (and last) time she came to my place, she smelled like death. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 140

You deserved it 196

Keeping it in the family!

By Franklin - 01/02/2018 05:00

Today, we got the results of our family's ancestry DNA tests. My father isn't related to me, but my grandfather is still my grandfather. Apparently grandma cheated on grandpa to get 'dad', and my mother cheated on 'dad' with my 'uncle' to get me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 177

You deserved it 283

18/12/2012 16:50

Today, I was in the mall for the second day in a row with my 7-year-old brother. As we walked past Santa he asked me, "Why does Santa look different today"? Not thinking, I said, "Because each mall has a different Santa." FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 142

You deserved it 36 760

18/03/2011 16:11

Today, someone rear-ended me while I was on my way home. I was extremely upset and I called my boyfriend for comfort and to help inspect the damage. After taking a good look at the car, he said, "Damn, if only you fucked this hard." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 271

You deserved it 9 547

27/02/2010 15:58

Today, I found out that my dad recently created a Facebook account for himself. So I friended him. He refuses to accept my friend request. He did, however, accept my sister's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 550

You deserved it 3 563

12/07/2014 01:36

Today, I went on a date and ate in the park. When I crossed my legs under the table, I scraped my knee and got a lot of splinters in it. When I got back home and started digging out the splinters, my dad furiously demanded to know why I'd been on my knees during the date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 476

You deserved it 4 804

07/10/2014 16:06

Today, my little sister decided the best way to cheat on a test is to take someone else's test, scratch through their name in pencil, and write her name underneath. She starts high school next semester. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 127

You deserved it 3 351

Awkwaaaaard

By notwhatithought - 21/08/2015 19:43

Today, the professor I've had a crush on informed me that there's only one way left I could still pass his course. Thinking this was an attempt to flirt with me, I told him I'd do anything he could imagine. He then looked confused when he asked me to write an essay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 217

You deserved it 33 507

Catchy

By Whatdoido - 25/07/2021 18:01

Today, I found out I have syphilis. I only slept with one person in my entire life, my boyfriend of 2 years. When I told him about it, he burst into tears and said, "It was one time at a company party" and "Maybe if you put some Vagisil or something, it will go away." Seriously? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 411

You deserved it 94

28/01/2017 22:00

Today, after being suspicious for some time, I learned that my husband really has been going to the library in his free time to study anatomy. Specifically female anatomy, with the librarian, in the back closet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 965

You deserved it 640

21/08/2009 20:13

Today, I was told by this big guy from school that I needed to stop stalking his girlfriend, and stop following her home from school. She's my neighbor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 402

You deserved it 2 249

14/07/2011 04:50

Today, I couldn't shut a drawer in my kitchen, because an oven mitt was blocking it. An oven mitt filled with tin-foil wrapped electronics. My Mom believes Internet hackers can get into her digital camera and prepaid cell phone, and apparently tin-foil will prevent that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 161

You deserved it 2 322

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Top comments

canadian1192 2

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Wednesday 11 November 2009 23:35

slap a bitch.

Miso_fml 0

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Wednesday 11 November 2009 23:37

What a bitch! you dont deserve her. i say keep the king and your hamster. when you find the girl you love and who loves you back, then you give her that ring.

Comments

canadian1192 2

Send a private message

Wednesday 11 November 2009 23:35

slap a bitch.

BeeSkwaird 0

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Wednesday 11 November 2009 23:40

I swear, some girls are like raccoons. If it's shiny that's all they care about!

stlkid 0

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Wednesday 11 November 2009 23:47

#6 Ftw! Good Riddance to that whore.

i_got_it 0

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Thursday 12 November 2009 0:04

Agree with #1... You shoulda slapped the bitch and said "Hail nah, hoe." If you let her keep it then your a dumbass.

bishoprsv2 0

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Thursday 12 November 2009 3:01

YDI for being a lesbian. Send me pics nao!!!

Reyo 2

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Thursday 12 November 2009 3:31

The bitch has balls...give her that much.

cackle 0

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Thursday 12 November 2009 7:25

Lol, find another girl, wait a month, give her the ring.

Zer0_Zer0 0

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Thursday 12 November 2009 19:11

Should've said "While we're asking stupid questions; Can I stab you?"

bobnorris 0

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Tuesday 22 June 2010 4:07

Canadian... you stole my line

LoadFasterPage 0

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Thursday 29 July 2010 7:38

watta bitch

EpicDiabetic 0

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Monday 28 November 2011 2:38

Tell her f*** no she can go buy one herself

Miso_fml 0

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Wednesday 11 November 2009 23:37

What a bitch! you dont deserve her. i say keep the king and your hamster. when you find the girl you love and who loves you back, then you give her that ring.

inconvienentgurl 0

Send a private message

Thursday 12 November 2009 1:13

you mean "she doesn't deserve you" not "you don't deserve her" O.P. well that sucks at least now you have the experience to UP your standards. and if the bitch is that stingy of a gold digger trashy ho then you definitely can do better.

dudeitsdanny 9

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Thursday 12 November 2009 3:06

It makes sense, just isn't how we usually say it. "You deserve someone better, therefore you don't deserve her." =)

caligirl805 0

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Thursday 12 November 2009 5:22

Yea i agree you deserve someoneway better, and you better get your hamster and ring back!!!

inconvienentgurl 0

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Saturday 14 November 2009 23:10

saying "you dont deserve her" implies that SHE is too good for HIM... not that he is too good for her...

iunpossible 15

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Wednesday 30 April 2014 1:41

It says at the top left that OP is also a girl.

T1A2Z3 34

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Thursday 19 July 2018 5:16

I think we should probably consult his royal highness on this plan...

Ligerie 0

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Wednesday 11 November 2009 23:37

That makes me sad to hear =[

Mulada 0

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Wednesday 11 November 2009 23:40

Perform the the Messiah Kick on her!

Pointy130 0

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Wednesday 11 November 2009 23:43

I snorted seltzer out of my nose upon reading this. You owe me a new keyboard.

JessxMaxine 0

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Wednesday 11 November 2009 23:43

egg her car. greedy bitch.

taoxyeuxmay 4

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Wednesday 11 November 2009 23:59

uh. no? don't egg her car. It's already satisfying to be able to say no to the ring and hamster. No need to be bat-shit crazy and egg her car. Crazy people.

HookEmTexas07 0

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Thursday 12 November 2009 0:31

And it's /not/ satisfying to egg her car?

Veritas143 0

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Wednesday 11 November 2009 23:46

Can there be more than one "best part"?..just askin

RyeBreadBoy 0

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Wednesday 11 November 2009 23:55

This guy makes a valid point. The "best" part implies that it is, unequivocally, the best.

BigK_Diet_Cola 1

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Wednesday 11 November 2009 23:55

There can be only one!

B_Foxy 0

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Wednesday 11 November 2009 23:49

woah...

perdix 29

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Wednesday 11 November 2009 23:49

A silver-digger, that is, can't you read? Shove a Habitrails tube in her and give her the hamster to keep. You choose the orifice.

chinCHILLaOUT 0

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Wednesday 11 November 2009 23:52

Woaaaaah. She is a B*****! Say no. And make sure you keep hamster. ;)

Erindub 0

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Wednesday 11 November 2009 23:56

My ex

Stured 0

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Thursday 12 November 2009 0:33

She said expensive. To some this could be a couple of hundred pounds...ie not a cheapy. and a couple of hundred isnt that much to spend on a gift.

dudeitsdanny 9

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Thursday 12 November 2009 3:08

Engagement and wedding rings are one thing... Jewelry or even promise rings are another. You're never gonna get married if you're not willing to do thoughtful things every once in a while.

dudeitsdanny 9

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Thursday 12 November 2009 3:44

Is FML effing up or... why did the thing we replied to change? And hey... Erindub... That's a freaky coincidence, because something similar happened to me with a girl whose first and first name together are similar to Erindub...

jewjewbee 6

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Thursday 12 November 2009 5:48

OP's in Lousiana. They're not getting married. (Well maybe, but they'd have to travel pretty far) OP, keep your hampster, return the ring, and find a new girl! You deserve better!