Intimacy: Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Devastated, I told my...

By Author - United States - Naples

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Devastated, I told my dad about it, hoping he'd help cheer me up. His advice was, "Just rub one out son, you'll feel better in no time." Thanks dad. FML

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Intimacy

Broken heart

Age difference

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

By st00pid - Canada

Today, I found out that if you see a picture in your boss's office of a extremely good looking, big breasted woman kissing him on the cheek, not to comment. Because that extremely good looking, big breasted woman, just might be his daughter. FML

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By Oriianna Raiinbow - United States

Today, talking to my boyfriend about each others families, we noticed we both had an aunt with the same name. After a while of trying to figure things out, we decide to call her. Turns out that we are long distance cousins. FML

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By SGreene

Today, a storm dropped a tree across my road. I would have moved it with my tractor, but there was a tree on that too. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/4/2021 23:01 - Australia

Great job, dude

Today, after my boyfriend of three years and I had our first child together last year and he was so hands on, now when I ask him to help with the baby he tells me I’m the primary carer, and that he’s not ready to be a dad. FML

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By random1456

Today, my credit card got declined while I was buying anti-depressants. FML

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By lopsided - United States - Gainesville

Today, I was informed that my uneven facial features make me seem "untrustworthy." Glad to know my unchangeable physical appearance doubles as a character flaw. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Montgomery

Today, I was hugging my girlfriend after she had a really bad day at work, when she burst into tears and started sobbing. For some reason that I'll never understand, it gave me a hard-on. She felt it, and now she thinks I'm a sick bastard. FML

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By really? - United States - Highland

Today, I was stuck home with a cold when my boyfriend's best friend sent me a text saying, "You doing alright?" I replied, thinking he was talking about my health. He replied, "I'm surprised you're taking the breakup so well." What breakup? Mine. He was ten minutes too soon. FML

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By Anonymous

Make it easy on yourself

Today, I had depressive feelings, so I decided to write about it to find out what was bothering me, and let go of the negative thoughts. While doing so, I had a panic attack. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2021 05:59

Getting on

Today, after much measuring with a tape measure, comparing with my sisters and even asking my husband for his opinion, I'm forced to admit that without a bra on, my boobs now sag so much my nipples hang down to the level of my belly button. FML

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By diablo

Today, I assisted my first customer at my first job as a Target cashier. When I rang up this lady's items and gave her the total, not only did she hiss at me and spit in my face, but she also dragged my manager over and demanded that he fire me. He did. FML

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By Coquette - United States

Today, I realized just how awful my relationships have been when I discovered I emotionally connect with women on Jerry Springer. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I signed up for a psych experiment. I was a damsel in distress on the side of the highway, but no one stopped. Back at the lab, another participant said a half dozen people helped her. The professor was testing how attractiveness effects altruism. I was the unattractive subject. FML

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By cantcloselegs - United States

Today, I was using my new curling iron to curl my hair. I was sitting down. Suddenly I dropped the iron and, as a reflex, I caught it between my bare thighs. FML

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By Joe Lizen - United States - New Lenox

Today, my mom called me screaming and cussing because she found pot in my room. I come home and my dad says, "I hid some pot in your room and I'm not letting you go to that concert if you rat me out." My dad is apparently a blackmailing 52-year-old stoner. FML

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By cmck932012 - United States - Tyrone

Objectification

Today, at a job interview, my interviewer bent forward and I admired his ass. When he turned, I couldn't tell if he caught me or not. At the end of the interview he shook my hand in congratulations of getting the job, then said, "Yes, I do work out." I have to see him every day now. FML

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By V - United States

Today, I visited my 78 year old grandmother. She thanked me for visiting and gave me a magazine before I left telling me I might find something I like in there. When I got home I looked at the magazine only to realize it's full of dildos and sextoys. FML

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By Brunofk7 - Peru - Lima

Today, I made a multiple choice exam so my friend could practice and get a good grade on his real exam. While I was helping him finish it, the teacher saw it, thought we were cheating and failed us both. FML

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By sara

Spotted

Today, I discovered my first wrinkle at the same time as my millionth zit. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2021 05:02

Sticky situation

Today, my boss keeps pointing out similarities between his wife and me. I genuinely dislike her, and have feelings for him. FML

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By bobbies - United States

Today, I was telling my sister about how I am horribly depressed and how I can't function and she responded with, "Oh, shit! I've got to go Jeopardy is on!" FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I got detention from my teacher for not handing an assignment in. It would be understandable if I hadn't handed it in a week before it was due. She won't listen to reason. FML

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By Anonymous

Sex Ed has failed a lot of people

Today, a senior girl in my college-level biology course asked our professor what periods are like when you’re pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was taking calls at the helpdesk I work at. The caller was a man, and while helping him with his issue he suddenly stopped to tell me I had a nice soothing voice. Then he told me to say something else. As I continued to help him, he started making moaning noises. I'm a guy. FML

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By slypher25aussie - United States - Chula Vista

Today, my boyfriend and I went to a furniture store. We split up for a bit, and after a while I went to find him. A salesman noticed I seemed to be looking around for him and said, "Oh, your son is upstairs." We're the same age. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2021 07:59 - Australia

Bad timing, dude

Today, in the middle of asking my girlfriend to marry me, I sneezed so hard that I farted. FML

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By peele - Estonia - Tallinn

Today, a coworker jokingly noted that my signature looks like "Pedo". I couldn't see it that way, so I asked some other people for their opinion. They confessed they'd always thought it looked like "Pedo", but never said anything. My name is Peele. I've been signing it off as Pedo for 10 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2020 11:02 - Canada - Sherbrooke

Drunken antics

Today, I woke up to the sound of my boyfriend full-on peeing into our tiny trash bin. The trash bin was basket material, so the pee was all over the floor. Once he'd finished, he went to bed, passed out and left me to clean it all up. FML

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By ToTeachorNottoTeach - 2/9/2020 20:01 - United States - Los Angeles

The best of times, the worst of times

Today, I'm a teacher in the middle of a pandemic. Half my students haven't shown up to my class. The other half don't do any assignments. I keep my job based on how well my students do. FML

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By Bobby M - Ireland

Today, I got circumcised by my zipper. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out why two of my friends race downstairs to each other to the cafeteria everyday at lunch; apparently there's only one free seat at the table with the rest of their friends, and the loser has to eat lunch with me. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2021 10:01 - United States - Minneapolis

Unreasonable

Today, my father-in-law decided to disown myself and his son, because my husband decided to hyphenate his last name. FML

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By Anonymous

Long story short

Today, after I'd been on and off with this girl for 6 years, I finally proposed in October 2018 and she'd said yes. A year later we got a house. By March, she is seeing another girl. And now, we still live together. FML

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By sophistication - United States

Today, I gathered the courage to ask my crush on a date. As I called her, she quickly answered and said "Can't talk right now, I'm in a movie theater." and then hung up. I'd called her home phone. FML

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By Shelly - United States

Today, I used the restroom at a department store. While I was in my stall, I overheard a little girl say to her mother, "I see someone wearing pink!" I remembered that I was wearing pink just as she finished her thought, "And she's pooping." She was peeking at me through the stall. FML

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By hungry n hypoglycemic - 6/1/2021 17:01

We live in a society!

Today, after standing in line for most of my lunch break just to buy food, some asshole with a cart full of stuff cut in front of me. He claimed that he was there the whole time, and the whole line, plus the cashier backed him up. I missed lunch. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I poured my heart out to my girlfriend of two years expressing my feelings for her. She responded with, "I'm going to bed." FML

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By The_Rest_of_the_Story - United States - Effingham

Today, I would like to thank the program designer that put "Set as home page" directly under "Remove from history". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Boise

Today, I lost a bet with my friends. I had to go to the super market and buy a copy of 50 Shades of Grey along with a cucumber. The cashier was trying so hard not to laugh while ringing me up. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2020 17:01

Negotiations

Today, I had to tell my 28-year-old roommate she needs to wash her hands after using the bathroom. She then said she’d try, as long as I try to put my dishes in the dishwasher. Those aren’t even on the same level. FML

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Top comments

By izzybd | 20

#5868219 - Tuesday 25 February 2014 7:48

Way to rub it in, Dad

By Michael903 | 18

#5868222 - Tuesday 25 February 2014 7:49

He's just jerking your chain...

COMMENTS

By izzybd | 20

#5868219 - Tuesday 25 February 2014 7:48

Way to rub it in, Dad

michaelaranda | 28

#5868245 - Tuesday 25 February 2014 8:31

Hey, OPs dad handled it better than others parents might have. when my first girlfriend broke up with me, my dad said things like good for her, she probably feels great, and son, she was probably the only hot girl you were ever gonna get, dont be mad you lost her, be happy you kept her for this long.

FMLkoala | 28

#5868249 - Tuesday 25 February 2014 8:38

#21 that should be an FML

Verota | 6

#5868262 - Tuesday 25 February 2014 9:30

Yea, he's just trying to help. Masturbation is a cure-all.

nyctophobia | 5

#5930988 - Wednesday 30 April 2014 22:14

wasn't funny.

randomcrazyguy | 17

#6081439 - Sunday 5 October 2014 5:18

This is why I have no emotions

By 712sash | 26

#5868220 - Tuesday 25 February 2014 7:49

That must have been awkward.

By ThankYouGoodbye | 14

#5868221 - Tuesday 25 February 2014 7:49

First!!!! Also, rubbing does help if you're itching.

leonchen7498 | 12

#5868225 - Tuesday 25 February 2014 7:50

third**

By Michael903 | 18

#5868222 - Tuesday 25 February 2014 7:49

He's just jerking your chain...

By cricketsins | 36

#5868224 - Tuesday 25 February 2014 7:50

Depending on your age, this could be sound advice.

TRaww21 | 14

#5868228 - Tuesday 25 February 2014 7:52

I think how long they were together would be more of a factor than his age.

glabberfasted | 16

#5868349 - Tuesday 25 February 2014 12:21

8 - I wouldn't think that would be a factor at all. You can be completely in love with someone for a long time before actually "being with" them as a couple. And someone can mean the world to you even if you've only known them a short time.

By FMLcommenterer | 13

#5868226 - Tuesday 25 February 2014 7:50

Good advice.

Deverz | 10

#5868267 - Tuesday 25 February 2014 9:38

I agree. Perfect advice

a_wiener_d0g | 15

#5868904 - Wednesday 26 February 2014 1:19

Not bad advice

By koalabear_55 | 11

#5868229 - Tuesday 25 February 2014 7:58

It'll get better OP don't worry :) it hurts right now but trust me eventually you will find the girl who is perfect for you and will love you for who you are. In the mean time, try spending most of your free time with friends and family to keep your mind off of her. Good luck OP :)

The_Big_Boss | 20

#5868231 - Tuesday 25 February 2014 7:59

Why lie to him? It's a possibility he'll never find the "right" girl. Many men don't.

shyeahh_fml | 19

#5868259 - Tuesday 25 February 2014 9:27

My "right" girl is my right hand.

rmoss78 | 10

#5870090 - Thursday 27 February 2014 1:11

@shyeahh: I'm a lefty

Gremlinek | 16

#5962390 - Sunday 1 June 2014 15:45

Some of us just got to the point we don't care. If something comes along then it's ok but if it doesn't then there is always rubbing one off (or paid escorts).