Today, my pregnant wife's parents called me at work, saying she'd... - FML

By fuckmeitsgettingworse - 24/2/2014 19:36 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my pregnant wife's parents called me at work, saying she'd been crying inconsolably and wouldn't say what was wrong. After pleading with my boss, I rushed home. Turns out there was an "ugly" sofa in a TV ad and she felt it was "picking on ugly sofas". FML

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You can't win sometimes

Body issues

Caught red-handed

By FML - 15/7/2009 14:29 - Syrian Arab Republic

Today, my long-distance boyfriend came to visit. We went to a cafe where I managed to lock myself in the toilet, breaking the key. I then had to wait for them to break down the door. I came out to applause from everyone, who had been laughing at me for 25 minutes. FML

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By yikes - 21/4/2012 08:36 - United States

Today, I went to the bathroom to pee. I looked at the toilet paper after I wiped and saw a spider on it. It was still wiggling its legs. FML

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By 27musiclover - 16/8/2009 14:41 - United States

Today, my best friend told me I'm the friend who no one really likes. This was after I had bought her lunch, ice cream, and a ticket to a movie we were going to see that day. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2016 14:42 - United States - Pardeeville

Today, my dad might be dead. I'm basing this solely on the fact that he hasn't called recently to verbally abuse me as he often does. He constantly beat me as a child, yet now I'm kind of worried for the piece of shit. FML

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By scotto - 23/2/2009 01:21 - United States

Today, I kissed my girlfriend and she tasted like a cigarette. I don't smoke. She doesn't smoke. My roommate does. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2011 05:01 - United States

Today, our school started an anti-bullying policy, and we watched a video about bullying. After the video, I told a teacher about a bullying case going on that I know about. His response? "Tell someone who cares" as he walked away chuckling. FML

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By Fmyapp - 2/12/2009 17:58 - United States

Today, after having paid to download an iPhone FML app, I found out that the real 'Fmylife Official' app was a lot more complete. And free. FML

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By ieatoreos - 11/3/2011 11:28

Today, an aunt that I'd had a massive falling out with passed away. My entire extended family refuses to speak to me, because they think I "had something to do with it". I live several hundred miles from her. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2009 20:02 - United States

Today, I learned that no matter how much you assume that the crunchy bits in a bag of crisps are in fact crisps, you will occasionally find that your assumptions are wrong. Beetles just don't have the same appeal. FML

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By nthor - 11/3/2009 18:05 - United States

Today, a man on the train asked me if i had any change. I quickly responded with "no habla engles". He then tapped me on the shoulder and said "That would've been a lot more believable if you weren't reading that paper." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2020 08:00

No one likes a smart-ass

Today, I accidentally stumbled on a method of getting my job done in about a third of the time, so my boss made it mandatory for all employees. Unfortunately, my coworkers now can't slack off pretending jobs take 2-3 hours, and their constant petty revenge bullying is driving me mad. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2012 19:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to be treated for chemical burns, because my mother got the bright idea of using paint thinner to clean me up after I'd painted our living room. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2016 11:51 - Belgium

Today, my boss refused my resignation and acted like nothing had happened. FML

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By RoastedbyNature - 21/5/2017 22:00

Basted High School

Today, my high school decided to practice graduation outside for 4 hours instead of inside, as well as serve lunch outside. Now everybody, including myself, is going to be sunburnt in their graduation pictures, because we were told practice was inside. FML

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By anonymous - 5/3/2011 05:34 - France

Today, I found out the hard way that if you think a waiter is hot, you probably shouldn't tell your parents. They could react by screaming at him across the room to tell him you think he's a hottie. FML

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By murphslaw - 29/3/2009 05:15 - United States

Today, as I was doing the morning count for the registers, a lady walked by and saw me. She's got Alzheimer's, and thought I was robbing the guy I'd bought the store from, so she called the cops. I spent six hours in jail while they looked into it, and didn't even get an apology. FML

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By crappy_day - 9/1/2010 02:09 - United States

Today, as I went to the bathroom in a port-a-potty at a park, I forgot to lock the door. A little girl opens the door and then slams it right away. As she walked away I heard her say "no, there's a man in there". I'm a woman. FML

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By princess4242 - 26/2/2010 09:10 - India

Today, I was with my friend and her entire family at a restaurant. While we were eating, her brother who is really cute asked what "brown sauce" is. I said thats probably 'penis' sauce. I'd meant to say 'peanut sauce' but the damage was done. The entire family just stared. FML

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By booboo300 - 29/4/2019 00:00

Today, I was supposed to have sex with my ex after he’d been out of town for a week. After a lot of build up and sexting last night, I woke up sick and he hurt his leg. It’s like our bodies are telling us not to sleep together. FML

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By my arms hurt - 25/11/2019 20:00 - United States - San Diego

Phone holder

Today, I had to sit in between two boys on a two-hour bus ride. They were watching a movie and each of them had shared an earphone. They made me hold the phone up so both of them could see the screen. FML

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By bubbashrek - 28/8/2011 04:06 - United States

Today, I realized my soon to be ex wife is stalking me online. Everytime I block her she creates a new profile. She left me 9 months ago. FML

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By kernewek - 26/5/2011 21:26 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at work, nonchalantly spinning my keys around my finger when they flew off and hit a glass cabinet. Broken glass showered passing customers. I don't think I'll have a job to go to tomorrow. FML

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By Mom - 11/6/2011 17:25 - United States

Today, I found out all about my son's secret online double life. He's been moonlighting for two years as a male prostitute by the name of Peter Parker. FML

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By ch4nny - 29/8/2014 01:47 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my boyfriend was stroking my stomach and looking into my eyes. It was very romantic, until he grabbed my love handles and said, "Mmmm... bacon..." FML

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By insensitive prick - 19/8/2013 19:04 - United States - Tinley Park

Today, I was at a "bring your family to work" event. I noticed my coworker brought his kids but not his wife, so I asked, "No wife today?" Everyone glared at me and he pointedly replied that she's married to someone else now. I had no idea. Now everyone thinks I'm an insensitive prick. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2013 17:34 - United States - Rowland Heights

Today, my husband and I were arguing, but I dropped it so we could calm down before discussing the matter again. Later on, he made us lasagna. The moment I swallowed the first mouthful, he smirked, then started snickering uncontrollably. What the fuck did he do to my food? FML

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By anonymous - 3/9/2010 05:05 - United States

Today, I had a volleyball game against our rivals. I hit myself in the face with the ball 3 times, fell flat on my face against the court, and later had an asthma attack with no inhaler in sight. We lost the game. FML

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By notenoughsex - 19/3/2009 05:46 - Canada

Today, I saw a video in class about women aged 65+ and their sex lives. An elderly, blind woman was having sex at her senior's home. I don't know what's worse, watching an hour-long documentary on this, or the fact that these women are having way more sex than I am. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2019 14:00

Priorities, dude

Today, my friend told me I was a terrible person and didn't care about our friendship. Why? Because I broke our Snapchat streak by working and sleeping, instead of being on my phone. FML

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By Peppered and Zapped - 7/4/2020 05:00

Appropriate force

Today, I'm recovering from being pepper-sprayed, beat with a baton and Tased, and arrested for assault. I'm a bouncer and was trying to remove a drunk asshole from the bar when the police showed up. FML

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By Thalassophobic - 21/7/2009 05:32 - United States

Today, I went to the beach. I was in the ocean and I looked over my shoulder and saw a big black spot. Knowing that there were big crabs on the beach, I screamed. Everyone in the water heard including the lifeguards. It turns out it was just my shadow. FML

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By googly191 - 19/12/2009 21:44 - United States

Today, it's my birthday, and apparently my family forgot it. But one person didn't forget. My dog gave me a little present in my new shoes I bought for myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2020 19:00 - United Kingdom

Parenting fail

Today, I left the living room for 3 minutes to make a coffee. When I went back, my 4-year old had found a permanent marker, God knows where, since I don't own a permanent marker. She'd then drawn on her face, the carpet, wall, sofa, both dogs and as an added bonus the TV screen. FML

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By slightlyworried - 5/4/2013 05:28 - United States - Parker

Today, I woke up from a nightmare that I've been having for a couple of weeks. In the nightmare I'm shot four times in the back by none other than my mother. I'm getting worried. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2012 09:57 - United States

Today, after 3 nights of insomnia, I was finally able to doze off. My boyfriend woke me up just to ask which soda in the fridge was mine. FML

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By single pringle - 5/11/2014 01:16 - United States - Morristown

Today, my boyfriend came home from college for the first time in weeks just to visit me. I was so excited that I spent two hours getting ready. Turns out he was only coming back to dump me. Now I'm single and out of foundation. FML

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By kiki - 5/8/2010 18:24 - United States

Today, I realized that in French, my name means "penis." This wouldn't be so bad if my dad wasn't fluent in French. FML

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By left alone - 29/8/2016 12:46 - United States - Schenectady

Today, the client that hired us for cleaning cancelled her contract because I was seen "holding a broom backwards." I'm left-handed. FML

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By blueberry_hill - 11/12/2010 16:16 - United States

Today, my thirteen month old son woke me up at 6AM on my day off, by punching me in the eye. FML

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By UniqueKay - 15/7/2019 06:06

Today, on our way home, my cousin, step dad and I noticed a man trying to kidnap a young girl. As good citizens, we called the police so they could catch the man. Nine police cars showed up at my house because dispatch told them we were the kidnappers. FML

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Top comments

By kitcatjb | 12

#5867931 - Monday 24 February 2014 23:57

...before calling it "ugly" maybe she should think about the couch's feelings.

By abhi95 | 31

#5867929 - Monday 24 February 2014 23:56

Hormones of pregnant women: A formidable source of FMLs since the beginning of FML!

Comments

By abhi95 | 31

#5867929 - Monday 24 February 2014 23:56

Hormones of pregnant women: A formidable source of FMLs since the beginning of FML!

Reply

kalinka07 | 5

#5868155 - Tuesday 25 February 2014 5:42

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

abhi95 | 31

#5868176 - Tuesday 25 February 2014 6:09

#54: Chill out sherlock!

Reply

AllieCat21 | 21

#5868183 - Tuesday 25 February 2014 6:23

Fun fact of the day: pregnant women's hormone levels are 1000x that of women who are not pregnant.

Reply

ximichi | 3

#5868191 - Tuesday 25 February 2014 6:53

@54- i think her parents were with her at the time, which is why they knew she eas crying and called OP.

By kitcatjb | 12

#5867931 - Monday 24 February 2014 23:57

...before calling it "ugly" maybe she should think about the couch's feelings.

Reply

threer | 30

#5867992 - Tuesday 25 February 2014 0:40

No, it's like the "before" and "after" label. So it's labeled "ugly" and "new", "fashionable" or something.

Reply

poncho55 | 40

#5868101 - Tuesday 25 February 2014 3:53

Lol, that icon with that comment. Beautiful.

Reply

Morqan_Freeman | 14

#5868168 - Tuesday 25 February 2014 5:56

OP, tell your wife about that couch that one guy on FML had sex with. Let us know her reaction to that :)

Reply

pompomkiwi | 14

#5868194 - Tuesday 25 February 2014 7:00

Because Morgan Freman is your profile pic this is funny

Reply

Sniper_Chick4110 | 20

#5868829 - Tuesday 25 February 2014 22:48

I think the way the Op wrote this FML would indicate that the advertisment called the couch ugly, and the pregnant wife was crying about the couches hurt feelings. I don't think you understood the FML #2.

By Yewufeefef | 12

#5867932 - Monday 24 February 2014 23:57

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

shaww | 28

#5867944 - Tuesday 25 February 2014 0:04

At least she didn't cry because the couch wasn't living up to its destiny of being a couch...

Reply

gracehi | 31

#5867948 - Tuesday 25 February 2014 0:06

That couch had hopes and dreams... Dreams of weary bottoms.

Reply

abhi95 | 31

#5867949 - Tuesday 25 February 2014 0:07

#15: Only avid FML readers will get that!

Reply

Kiki242 | 19

#5867966 - Tuesday 25 February 2014 0:21

That fml was hilarious.

By MomentoMori | 23

#5867933 - Monday 24 February 2014 23:58

Aww, her hormones are just playing with her feelings. Best of luck to you and congrats on her pregnancy! :)

Reply

micgelleya | 15

#5868098 - Tuesday 25 February 2014 3:49

She'll laugh at this when it's over :)

Reply

buttcramp | 21

#5868154 - Tuesday 25 February 2014 5:41

yeah y'all are totally right! women can't really control the hormones and how it makes them act but hopefully she will apologize and laugh about it later. also, don't hold it against her, OP cause she'll be embarrassed enough after the fact. I did some silly things like this when I was expecting too! I'm sure all moms have lol

By ZY1431 | 24

#5867934 - Monday 24 February 2014 23:58

juat gotta deal my man

By regenerate | 19

#5867935 - Monday 24 February 2014 23:58

at least she didn't try to buy it out of pity.

By juturnaamo | 29

#5867936 - Monday 24 February 2014 23:58

I can see why she didn't want to tell her parents why she was crying.

Reply

abhi95 | 31

#5867954 - Tuesday 25 February 2014 0:09

Oh no! More like she couldn't tell them amidst all the crying! She thought it was pretty fucking sad! Obviously it wasn't ridiculous for her!

By Coop817 | 19

#5867937 - Monday 24 February 2014 23:59

Good luck explaining that to your boss when you get back to work.

Reply

gracehi | 31

#5868184 - Tuesday 25 February 2014 6:23

Better off just saying, "I can't talk about it. It's really really REALLY super personal. Woman stuff, you know." And if he's a man you'll get the added bonus of making him uncomfortable with the term, "Woman stuff."

By olpally | 32

#5867938 - Monday 24 February 2014 23:59

Yeah, deal with it op. Until that baby comes out, not much you can do.

Reply

asherm | 15

#5868189 - Tuesday 25 February 2014 6:38

Except keep plenty of chocolate ice cream and pickles on hand (or whatever she's craving any given moment!)

By supersitter | 11

#5867939 - Monday 24 February 2014 23:59

Congrats on the pregnancy. It'll be worth it when the baby arrives. Endure. :) good luck