By IBleedArbor - United States

Realistic

Today, my dad told me to take my stress out by getting a girlfriend. My mom laughed and said, "No that won't work, just go jack off in the shower again." FML

I agree, your life sucks

48150

You deserved it

4997

Favorite

Intimacy

Our house, in the middle of our street

Thanks, I hate it

Nice guy DESTROYED by FACTS and LOGIC

By I shaved my legs for this

Today, I prepared for my first date in two years. I shaved my legs, did my hair and nails, painted my face, found the perfect outfit, then waited for hours for a man who never came. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4143

You deserved it

305

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my nose was really stuffy. I heard somewhere that inhaling tea steam clears up the nose. While reading a magazine I inhaled my cup of green tea steam, without knowing that slowly I was moving my cup closer to my nose. Hot tea was sucked into my left nostril and burned the inside badly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11067

You deserved it

35798

Favorite

By captainlame - United States

Today, I returned from a 5-day cruise for my senior spring break, filled with gorgeous sorority girls from all over the country. I was seasick the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33752

You deserved it

5275

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Long Beach

Today, feeling very distant to my daughter recently, I decided to sneak a peek in her diary to see what was on her mind. The book was apparently one of those that play the sound of a woman screaming when opened improperly, and alerted everyone in the house to my actions. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6761

You deserved it

62025

Favorite

By wetdreams - Canada

Today, was the fifth night I've dreamed of brushing my teeth. I wake up about three times a night because as I spit in my dream, I actually spit on my face as I'm sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28067

You deserved it

3178

Favorite

By Username - United States

Today, I cleaned up my dog's crap after my wife asked me. 5 minutes later she yelled at me for being lazy as she slammed the door leaving for work. My dog shit in the exact same spot apparently to make me look stupid. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38592

You deserved it

3700

Favorite

By 7rafe7 - United States

Today, I learned that standing next to a hobo doesn't make me look better in comparison, but instead just makes me seem like a hobo as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11044

You deserved it

30939

Favorite

By Anonymous - Venezuela - Barquisimeto

Today, I had to take my fiancé to the hospital so they could remove a tampon applicator that he claimed he somehow "fell onto". It was lodged up his nostril. I'm marrying this man in a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31047

You deserved it

5109

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to a social event with a very attractive male co-worker. Things were going awesome, we were flirting and really hitting it off. Then his 'wife' called. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30454

You deserved it

7148

Favorite

By stupid drunk bitch - United States - Cobleskill

Today, my roommate made out with this guy I kind of had a thing for. It wasn't a big deal to sober me, but drunk me wasn't having it. I drank half a bottle of vodka, punched a hole in a wall, and cried while laying on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18437

You deserved it

5432

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. After what seemed like an eternity of waiting, he finally entered me, then paused and asked me, "what do I do now?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

143175

You deserved it

16360

Favorite

By hayleediaz - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my boyfriend told me I looked nice in my profile picture. I began to reply "Aww, thank you!" until he sent another message saying "Mostly because your face isn't in it." FML

I agree, your life sucks

25473

You deserved it

2871

Favorite

By Sean - United States

Today, I got a zero on my math test. My teacher was convinced that I had written the answers on my arm. No answers, just really thick, black arm hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35422

You deserved it

3316

Favorite

By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, I cycled 30 minutes through hail and rain to get my pregnant girlfriend the crisps she was craving. When I made it back, she didn't want them anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43324

You deserved it

7858

Favorite

By pod - United States

Today, my boyfriend threw me into his pool. I had my phone and iPod in my pockets. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39577

You deserved it

5388

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - South Salem

Today, my boyfriend proposed: he told me the feeling he gets from being in love with me is the best feeling in the world, even better than the feeling he gets when he poops. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48800

You deserved it

7412

Favorite

By idated a moron

Today, while making plans with my boyfriend, I told him we could have lunch after my appointment with the gynecologist. He started screaming, cussing and calling me a whore. According to him, women only go to the gyno if they have an STD, which I must’ve gotten from cheating. He’s an idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2563

You deserved it

263

Favorite

By Fhhmylifeman - 11/4/2021 11:00

Geography

Today, I invited my Peruvian girlfriend to my parent’s house for dinner. They decorated the house with Mexican flag and Fiesta lanyards, and bought Taco Bell. My girlfriend is vegetarian and had to explain to them that no, Peru is not a city in Mexico. It’s been 3 hours and she won’t pick up her calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks

927

You deserved it

150

Favorite

By scherzo - United States - Edmond

Today, I dropped my phone in the parking lot and it landed next to a car tire. As I reached to pick it up, the car backed up and ran over my phone and my hand. Hello, emergency room! FML

I agree, your life sucks

4016

You deserved it

438

Favorite

By Carmen

That Monday morning feeling

Today, I couldn't sleep because a group of drunken guys decided to stay out all night singing Disney songs. They had loudspeakers too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1429

You deserved it

130

Favorite

By SapphireRaven - United States

Today, I found out that I was denied for work study eligibility by my college. I went to my financial advisor to ask why. It wasn't my grades or attendance. Apparently my father makes too much money for me to get a job at the school. My dad was fired 3 months ago and has been out of work since. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43457

You deserved it

2553

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad interrupted my job interview with a phone call, just to say "I fucked your mom." No shit, dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49712

You deserved it

7868

Favorite

By Sica - France

Today, I broke my little toe. It got stuck in my panties as I struggled to get a leg through. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26649

You deserved it

6393

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Richmond

Today, I was taking a table's order. After I finished, the guy told me, "Just FYI, I'm not a tipper." Trying to lighten up the situation, I replied, "It's amazing how many people forget I handle their food." He complained to the manager that I'd threatened him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46501

You deserved it

10061

Favorite

By DisturbedMan - United Kingdom - Maidstone

Today, as if having to endure the noises of my parents having sex in the next room wasn't painful enough, my mom decided to shout, "Yeah! Like a horse!" I want to cry. FML

I agree, your life sucks

65929

You deserved it

5906

Favorite

By Username - France

Today, I went to a gay club with my supportive straight best friend to find me a date. Somehow, she managed to go home with a guy and I'm still decidedly single. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35920

You deserved it

6486

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was changing my clothes with my dog in the room. As I took off my shirt, he looked at me, ran into the corner, and threw up. Well that's a confidence booster. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27605

You deserved it

2776

Favorite

By Fark - United Kingdom

Today, I had a dream I was going the bathroom. I then woke up peeing, but I didn’t wet the bed yet. As I ran to the bathroom while half asleep and in the dark, I rammed into the wall. On my way back to bed, I tripped and accidentally slapped my fiancé in an effort to stop myself from falling over. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30254

You deserved it

4929

Favorite

By indecentcameraexposure - Canada

Today, I was using a Kodak Picture Maker in Walmart. I needed help using the machine so the lady that works there came over and tried to load my pictures. I heard some snickering behind me from the people in line. Turns out the pictures loaded. Even the nude ones I forgot about. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8907

You deserved it

47905

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, a funny smelling liquid was sprayed all over the computer. Last week, I told my fully pottytrained but extremely reluctant toddler that he couldn't play Barney games until he used the big boy toilet. A 4 year old's revenge really sucks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30804

You deserved it

5567

Favorite

By missgayle319 - United States

Today, I decided to finally try out the veggie slicer I bought a few months ago to make healthy homemade potato chips. Along with the sliced potatoes, I am now missing about a quarter inch chunk of skin from the side of my hand and quite a bit of blood. At least the chips were good. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20212

You deserved it

12976

Favorite

By daddysboy123 - United States

Today, I found what I assumed was my laptop, though my mother has the same one. As I opened it, I was greeted by a video of my father waving. He wasn't using his hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54569

You deserved it

4884

Favorite

By missingno007 - United States - Clarkesville

Today, my first day of college, the textbooks I ordered a month in advance still haven't arrived. My first class of the semester is College Readiness. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3295

You deserved it

341

Favorite

By red_headforlife - United States - Chandler

Today, I was so happy to be leaving the hospital after breaking my arm the night before. Just as I walked out of the doors, a huge ambulance team was running in at the same time and knocked me down full force. I now have a broken ankle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33195

You deserved it

2525

Favorite

By Charli

Today, after months of my (now ex) boyfriend telling me he wished I was blonde with big boobs, I finally retaliated with "I wish you were a redhead with a big dick, but you don't see me complaining." He cried and said I should love him for who he is. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3595

You deserved it

298

Favorite

By chipmunk - United States

Today, my boyfriend of seven years dumped me because he said my cheeks getting way too fat for his taste and he didn't want to be with a chipmunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39603

You deserved it

7642

Favorite

By ADickySituation - United States - Wilmette

Today, my dumbass colleague was too lazy to go buy balloons for a party in recognition of our company's huge merger. Instead, he made condom balloons. Let's just say you don't make blow up condoms for a prestigious company event. A company whose CEO is named Dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56753

You deserved it

4915

Favorite

By JustSom - United States - Falls Church

Today, I finally got my 14-year-old son to aim while using the bathroom. If only I could get my husband to do the same. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29355

You deserved it

3074

Favorite

By poorcar - United States

Today, my parents asked if they could borrow my car. Why? Because they were going to see someone about a Craig's List ad and wanted to look poor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39128

You deserved it

3637

Favorite

By Junior - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because of my dad constantly hitting on her. Not because she was disgusted, but because she wants to date him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56587

You deserved it

2939

Favorite

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Top comments

By Hannah_fml | 0

#2836 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 2:04

You have a GREAT mum!

By FunWriter20 | 0

#2853 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 3:07

Lol, that's hilarious and brutal. But maybe she wasn't being mean. Maybe she means girlfriends just add stress, because you'd have to get brave and ask one out, figure out nice dates and whatnot.

COMMENTS

By Hannah_fml | 0

#2836 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 2:04

You have a GREAT mum!

raider6444 | 0

#985288 - Monday 26 April 2010 22:09

Hans I can see ur nipples threw the dress FYI;)

blueridgemtns97 | 0

#1010282 - Friday 28 May 2010 15:55

raiders6444. ha ha! me too!

eehizle | 0

#1043578 - Friday 25 June 2010 22:10

omg. this isn't threadjacked.

well it is now :D

Scoty12C | 6

#2445913 - Monday 2 May 2011 17:15

#45 Through*

By Xephik | 1

#2842 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 2:21

I lol'd

By Slalomskiracer21 | 0

#2851 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 2:48

Its still fun jeez...hahajk

By FunWriter20 | 0

#2853 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 3:07

Lol, that's hilarious and brutal. But maybe she wasn't being mean. Maybe she means girlfriends just add stress, because you'd have to get brave and ask one out, figure out nice dates and whatnot.

By elguapo_fml | 0

#2854 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 3:09

haha... wow, people on this site have the weirdest parents. whatever, you'll either grow some thick skin and get over it or you'll have psychological scars. no biggie

By ZING_MASTER | 0

#2855 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 3:13

I think she's hitting on you.

By bobdole | 0

#2857 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 3:15

I like the word choice: "again."
Suggesting you did already. Also suggesting that not only did you, that she knows about it as well.

By Seegtease | 0

#2933 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 9:25

I usually lol at parent insults, but that's pretty messed up.

By KenMcGormick | 0

#2971 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 11:52

your mom is awesome

By IBleedArbor | 0

#5959 - Monday 23 February 2009 20:58

My mom didn't know what she was talking about; it was just a good guess. and i'm not incapable of getting a GF.

RussianRedneck16 | 3

#5782341 - Saturday 7 December 2013 8:57

gf's just add more stress find a hobbie that you can get lost in and free your mind or find someone to talk to and let your stress out good luck