Today, I went to the market to buy some groceries. Before I got... - FML

By Anonymous - Saudi Arabia - Dammam

Today, I went to the market to buy some groceries. Before I got even half-way home, a guy stormed toward me, pulled what looked like a knife, and chased me around the block while screaming that he'd kill me for sleeping with his wife. Nope, still a 15-year-old virgin here. FML

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Dangling modifier

The opposite of a good idea

Honesty is the best policy

By lifeofamusicteacher - Hong Kong

Today, I got yelled at by parents of one of my students because their child didn't perform well at their Winter Concert. These are the same parents who told me months ago that I needed to be more lenient by allowing their kids to skip rehearsals. FML

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By me - United States

Today, my friend and I were racing on our bicycles, when my chain snapped. I went over the handlebars and slid, on my back, for about ten feet. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, frustrated that my boyfriend never gives me any orgasms when we make love, I tried politely hinting that he needs to improve. To start with, I said maybe he should be more spontaneous in bed. He replied, "What, like putting it in your ass? Gotcha." Great. FML

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By tortured - United States

Today, my coworkers were bored. To solve this, they taped me to a chair and tried tickling me to death. My boss joined in. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - York

Today, a family of geese nested outside my halls of residence. They have started attacking everyone who tries to get in or out of the building. I'm basically being placed under house arrest by birds. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Valparaiso

Today, I was having a wet dream and had a pretty vivid imagination. I ended up thrusting so hard that it showed up in reality. I literally humped so hard that I woke myself up. Not only that, but I was sleeping on the living room floor so my roommates saw and now it's their joke of the day. FML

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By JTinNJ - United States - Parsippany

Today, I woke up and poured myself a large glass of orange juice from a carton and took a big gulp only to realize it was liquid eggs. FML

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By shouldabeenapornstar - United States

Today, I decided to fake it when my husband and I were making love. Afterwards, he told me that he could tell my head was "really in the game" and felt a stronger connection with me now and was glad I opened up and "let go" with him. FML

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By RikkiTikkiTavi

The unexpected

Today, I was working at my desk and wearing my new noise cancelling headphones. I couldn’t hear anyone around me, so I let out a nice long fart. Every desk behind me was occupied and the fart was not silent. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was telling my friends that I'd gotten a paid position to cover a worker's bereavement leave for the next three weeks. They then called me an insensitive bitch for 'profiting from someone else's misfortune'. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2020 17:00

Alexa, play 4'33" by John Cage

Today, I was the first to sign up to play the national anthem for my school, at one of my volleyball games. My teacher told me she would bring my sheet music. She didn’t. So I just sat there, awkwardly, not playing my cello. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, my trusty old car decided that it no longer needed its back passenger window-pane, and that in fact the window would look a lot better smashed to pieces by the roadside. FML

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By anon - United Kingdom - Romsey

Today, I discovered that my expensive new shampoo smells exactly like my ex-girlfriend. So now, whenever I shower, I'm showered with depression. FML

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By bathroomblunder - Canada

Today, I went to Starbucks to use the bathroom. After I knocked on the door, and turned the handle, this little old lady rips the door open and goes "I WAS TAKING A DUMP. YOU WANNA COME IN AND WIPE MY SHIT? DO YOU?!" and then continued to ask me the same question for five minutes. FML

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By say no to dick - Australia - Newcastle

Today, I found out that my father faked his whole "mid-life crisis", just so he could gain my trust and get me to admit that I smoke weed, and to tell him who I buy it from. Hello year-long grounding. FML

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By pixiegirl - United States

Today, I found out that my "secret admirer" I've been exchanging letters with for the last three months, and even started developing feelings for, is actually my ex best friend trying to pull a prank on me. FML

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By hanmart - United States

Today, I found out that my coworker shared a laugh with the boss about setting the office desk on fire (which he actually did), while ten minutes later I was threatened with being fired because I made paper snowflakes and hung a few of them next to the computer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was carrying some luggage downstairs to put in my car to head back to college. My brother told me my shoes were untied. He said he would tie them for me as I was carrying luggage. I fell down the stairs because he thought it would be funny to tie them together. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a letter of complaint from my landlord. It said my loud, obnoxious trampling is disturbing my downstairs neighbor, and I have to stop. I'm small and hardly weigh anything, but it seems that if I want to keep my lease, I'll have to master the art of levitating. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I missed a call from my mom. It's my birthday, and glad she remembered, I called back to thank her. She was surprised when I brought up going out for dinner, and asked me what the occasion was. FML

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By kelster

Good job

Today, my roommate has a job interview. He only applied to the job yesterday. Meanwhile, I've been out of work for three weeks. I've applied to at least ten jobs. I have yet to get a call-back from any of them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dallas

Today, my boss asked me if he could pay me in gum. Thinking he was playing around, I agreed. He wasn't playing around. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found our that my crazy ex, who, after our break up, said to me, "I'm setting my life to make yours hell" has befriended my current girlfriend. FML

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By contracted - United States - Concord

Today, I received a letter telling me I'm not qualified for a job I've been unofficially doing for the last three years. It's the fourth letter I've gotten since applying. I guess it wouldn't be too bad if I didn't have to train the new person who got the job instead of me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I taught my kid how to mow the lawn. It's a self-propelling mower so it's easy to handle. My kid thought it would be smart to tie the handle down so that he wouldn't have to push it at all. This resulted in the lawn mower blasting through our fence and sinking into my neighbor's pool. FML

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By Teen - United States

Today, I was trying on clothes in a store that had just screens set up for changing. As I took off the first pair of pants had I tried on, my foot got hooked in the cuff and I fell out in my underwear in front of the whole store. FML

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By alone - United States

Today, I committed to babysitting on Valentine's Day not because I needed the money, but because I just got dumped. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my son told me he was afraid of monsters under his bed. When I poked my head under to show him nothing was there, the family cat sprang out and clawed me in the face. Now I have a gash on my chin, and my son refuses to go anywhere near his bed. FML

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By Anonymous

Caddy Shack

Today, I've had people calling the golf course just to ask what the weather's going to be like tomorrow. I’m a golf professional, not the weather man. FML

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By Toroka

Today, I had to spend two hours in the car with my mother. That doesn't sound so bad until you realize she's the kind of person who can, and did, spend nearly half an hour ranting about how the Big Beautiful Woman porn niche is the root of obesity in America. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my 14-year-old son was terrified of going into the water near our house, because he was scared of having his leg bitten off by a shark. We live by a lake. I tried explaining why it couldn't happen, but he just cowered behind a beach towel. FML

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By LonelySanta - Australia

Today, I went home, where I live alone, from my dorm room at my university. The only Christmas cards I had received were addressed to the person that lived there before me. FML

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By probably not getting the job - United States - Lake Oswego

Today, I applied for a job at a local store. As I walked out the door, I heard the manager read it out loud and everybody else laugh. FML

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By dinosaur - United States

Today, my friend sent me a link about a nine year old kid who wrote an iPhone app that gets 2000 downloads per week. I am a 28 year old software developer and have been failing to write an iPhone app for months. FML

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By sore - Australia

Today, I was paintballing when I got shot in the stomach and winded. As I was gasping for breath on the ground, someone came up and shot me point blank in my crotch. FML

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By tacolove69 - United States

Today, I was late to dinner with my anal-retentive parents because my boyfriend was too busy making cock puppets in the shower to get ready to go. FML

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By Atomic_Tangerine - United States

Today, my mom, sister, and I were talking about a friend's girlfriend. My sister's opinion of her was that she was cute but not hot. My mom agreed, saying that she didn't think that someone without boobs could EVER be hot. She then looked at me and said "no offense." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at the pool, I tried to impress the hot lifeguard by doing the perfect dive. Afterward, I realized my shorts were floating through the water. FML

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By iamnotfat - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's work to surprise him. When I got there, I called him on his phone to tell him to turn around. I saw him look at his phone. His co-worker next to him asked who that was. He replied, "Just this fat chick I know." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I drove past a firehouse that had volunteer firemen taking collections. I take out a $20 and start to roll the window down when I remember my window was broken. I ended up driving by, holding the $20 against the window, staring at the fireman. Now the fireman thinks I was taunting him. FML

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Top comments

By jkmartinjk | 16

#5368147 - Friday 15 February 2013 2:52

You say 15 year old virgin like its a bad thing...

By kakarot2 | 11

#5368146 - Friday 15 February 2013 2:52

Were you able to save your groceries?

COMMENTS

By Evanito007 | 13

#5368136 - Friday 15 February 2013 2:50

I would suggest taking a car in bad neighborhoods. Unless that guy was just crazy, in that case I have nothing to suggest. :/

Reply

BntyHntrSeattle | 30

#5368168 - Friday 15 February 2013 2:58

Probably can't drive at 15 :(

Reply

Harshdfml | 14

#5368301 - Friday 15 February 2013 4:15

#10. Logic ^

By I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#5368139 - Friday 15 February 2013 2:50

Kids these days?

Reply

ilovesarcasm | 18

#5368236 - Friday 15 February 2013 3:41

Crazy wackos with knives these days...

Reply

sexxxysydney | 14

#5368248 - Friday 15 February 2013 3:46

If the dude with the knife accused him of sleeping with his wife, I doubt he's a "kid"

Reply

Starv | 6

#5368257 - Friday 15 February 2013 3:51

It says that the kid was 15...

Reply

Futacy | 29

#5368264 - Friday 15 February 2013 3:55

^ Correction: it says OP is 15 years old.It's safe to say that the crazy dude with the wife and the knife was an adult.

Reply

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#5368303 - Friday 15 February 2013 4:16

Whichever teenager presumably slept with the crazy guys wife is pretty messed up too... But yeah, that was a bad comment I guess :P

Reply

PunkySpunky78 | 15

#5368384 - Friday 15 February 2013 5:27

You can't base person's age on their looks
I'm 34 years old female i look like teenager

Reply

vehementbitch | 4

#5368406 - Friday 15 February 2013 5:46

Shut up!

Reply

luckysilverbell | 5

#5368549 - Friday 15 February 2013 9:18

44- Your comment is absolutely hilarious when you read it in a caveman voice.

Reply

Pwuj | 6

#5368964 - Friday 15 February 2013 15:21

-44 I'm guessing you're Asian

Reply

Kayaytea | 18

#5369351 - Friday 15 February 2013 19:55

44- The claim that the guy with the knife is an adult is not based on his looks. It is based on the fact that in order for him to have a wife (be married), he needs to be at least of legal age, which makes him an adult.

Reply

WelcomeToAndale | 13

#5369576 - Friday 15 February 2013 22:44

#63 - how is babby formed?

By BntyHntrSeattle | 30

#5368145 - Friday 15 February 2013 2:51

At least you're safe!! Maybe avoid that area in the future, if possible :

Reply

capslockisgood | 19

#5368439 - Friday 15 February 2013 6:14

Yeah avoid the area where he purchases food.

Reply

sens3sfailing | 24

#5368557 - Friday 15 February 2013 9:40

Hey! I found out there are multiple places to buy food in some areas! Amazing right? They said if possible to account for that possible scenario...

By kakarot2 | 11

#5368146 - Friday 15 February 2013 2:52

Were you able to save your groceries?

Reply

klutz44 | 28

#5368268 - Friday 15 February 2013 3:59

No, not the lettuce!

Reply

GingerFishy | 9

#5372578 - Monday 18 February 2013 7:39

MY CABBAGES!

Reply

thatonegirl731 | 8

#6201764 - Friday 13 February 2015 23:05

Peanut Butter Jelly Time!!

By jkmartinjk | 16

#5368147 - Friday 15 February 2013 2:52

You say 15 year old virgin like its a bad thing...

Reply

Z_Diggy | 8

#5368228 - Friday 15 February 2013 3:38

Nowadays, kids are having sex at 13. What has our world gone to?

Reply

machiavelli2 | 5

#5368239 - Friday 15 February 2013 3:42

Note he's better than a fifteen year old virgin, he's a knife crime survivor! Maybe that will help with the virgin dilemma...

Reply

perdix | 29

#5368252 - Friday 15 February 2013 3:48

#5, well, it is a bad thing if you are about to die for fucking a guy's wife. It's doing the time without the fun of doing the crime.

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#5368283 - Friday 15 February 2013 4:07

#5 Being a fifteen year old virgin is a bad thing. I remember when I was a fifteen year old virgin. Luckily, I'm a sixteen year old virgin now. Oh how times change....

Reply

defferwa | 9

#5368337 - Friday 15 February 2013 4:45

17 year old virgin reporting in.

Reply

Murika | 2

#5368437 - Friday 15 February 2013 6:11

20 year old virgin here

Reply

zepher93 | 7

#5368523 - Friday 15 February 2013 8:24

23- Maybe 'doing the dame'? Although that would crush your little rhyme you have going there.

Reply

pickles1994 | 18

#5368552 - Friday 15 February 2013 9:24

18 year old vir... Wait nope that would be a lie. (Lost it on Valentines Day 2013!)

Reply

sens3sfailing | 24

#5368559 - Friday 15 February 2013 9:42

Stop. Bragging.

Reply

Snoopy0718 | 14

#5368569 - Friday 15 February 2013 10:22

19 year old virgin-female. I'm not saying its a bad thing though.

Reply

Raesin | 21

#5368671 - Friday 15 February 2013 12:03

Well apparently there is no legal age in Saudi Arabia, you just need to be married.

Reply

DaftDude | 11

#5368775 - Friday 15 February 2013 13:13

#64 You say it like we should all be proud you had sex at 18...which we're not.

Reply

pedinhuh | 23

#5368944 - Friday 15 February 2013 15:00

I lost mine at my 20 yrs old, not a big deal, really.

Reply

Pwuj | 6

#5368975 - Friday 15 February 2013 15:29

Am I the only one here who has lost my virginity at 14? Born in 89 first kiss at age 14, lost virginty a couple days after first kiss to a 16 yr old girl,.

Reply

cblock94 | 7

#5369117 - Friday 15 February 2013 17:03

18 year old virgin and I'm proud of it

Reply

ethan_nelson61 | 4

#5370506 - Saturday 16 February 2013 16:00

That's probably what people were saying when people started having sex in their 20's... Get over yourself...

By Quinn32 | 16

#5368150 - Friday 15 February 2013 2:53

It's just a friendly warning. He is saying that, on the off chance you sleep with his wife in the future, he would kill you with a knife.

By DocBastard | 38

#5368158 - Friday 15 February 2013 2:56

His knife seems sharper than he is.

Reply

longtimesunshine | 4

#5368195 - Friday 15 February 2013 3:12

DocBastard you really went all out on your About Me.

Reply

Cryptic17_fml | 4

#5368258 - Friday 15 February 2013 3:52

There is a pm feature. It works wonders

Reply

TheRandomIndian | 17

#5368488 - Friday 15 February 2013 7:14

Misty does not have a Pikachu!

By zombieslayer83 | 19

#5368160 - Friday 15 February 2013 2:56

The condoms and KY on the top of the grocery bag were a dead give away.

By perdix | 29

#5368167 - Friday 15 February 2013 2:58

So, you just did 69 and gave her anal, so you're both right.

Reply

finnrambo | 13

#5368279 - Friday 15 February 2013 4:06

Never seen perdix buried before...

Reply

perdix | 29

#5368308 - Friday 15 February 2013 4:20

#30, oh, I've seen it. Trust me, I've seen it!

By blackfeather6 | 1

#5368182 - Friday 15 February 2013 3:06

As a Saudi Arabian I'm assuming you're better off as a 15 yr old virgin.