Miscellaneous: Today, I went to the market to buy some groceries. Before I got... - FML

By Anonymous - 14/02/2013 21:50 - Saudi Arabia - Dammam

Today, I went to the market to buy some groceries. Before I got even half-way home, a guy stormed toward me, pulled what looked like a knife, and chased me around the block while screaming that he'd kill me for sleeping with his wife. Nope, still a 15-year-old virgin here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 619

You deserved it 2 494

Leave us alone

Best teeth in the game

Weird family

By Anonymous - 08/08/2009 07:02 - United States

Today, I was working in the box office. A group came in for tickets but wanted to pay individually. One paid $40 for a $25 ticket. Laughing, I reached for the calculator while saying, "I went to public school, so I can't do math." They didn't laugh. They were all teachers in public schools. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 009

You deserved it 55 144

By Lonely - 11/03/2010 12:16 - New Zealand

Today, I congratulated my friend for getting engaged. This is the fourth friend of mine this year that has become engaged. I haven't even had a boyfriend yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 047

You deserved it 5 660

By Laceylace - 22/03/2009 20:40 - United States

Spicy

Today, I wrote my boyfriend a sexy letter designed to arouse him. I described what I wanted us to do to each other in the most erotic way. Later, he came up to me and hugged me, saying it was the funniest thing he ever read and he's glad he's in love with a girl with such a great sense of humor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 674

You deserved it 13 135

By Andy - 13/05/2012 02:21 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I attended a formal banquet. The host was delivering a speech, when I felt the urge to pee, so I tried to quietly excuse myself. My chair screeched over the floor as I got up, I tripped over my own feet, and I accidentally took the door leading outdoors, where I ended up peeing in shame. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 378

You deserved it 4 338

Barfed out

By superbubbles - 23/03/2021 21:30 - Canada

Today, I threw up in bio when we dissected cow hearts. Guess that rules out my childhood passion as a possible career. FML

I agree, your life sucks 711

You deserved it 105

By WaitingByThePhone - 09/07/2009 05:36 - United States

Today, I got excited when my cell phone lit up because I hadn't received a single phone call all day. Turns out it was the "low battery" indicator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 812

You deserved it 11 414

By fuundmental/// - 09/04/2011 05:46 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I was looking in my grandparents' drawers and cupboards to find a blanket, but instead found a stash of sex toys, and a male G-string with a horse on the front. The best bit? When you press the horse's nose, it neighs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 547

You deserved it 9 938

By Anonymous - 20/08/2009 05:30 - United States

Today, I was at a local chinese restaurant with two of my friends. We were laughing hysterically when my friend tells me to stop making her laugh because she was going to puke, naturally I kept egging it on. She puked all over the table and I was laughing so hard that I peed my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 755

You deserved it 66 844

By Anonymous - 01/03/2013 07:02 - United States - San Jose

Today, after working out at the gym, I went to grab my bag, and realized that my phone was missing. Panicking, I reached into my pocket, pulled out my phone, and dialed my mom's number to tell her I'd lost it. It took me until the last ring to realize what I was doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 936

You deserved it 41 358

By Anonymous - 20/09/2014 15:28 - Sweden - Kung?lv

Today, I looked up my childhood bully on Facebook, hoping she'd gone fat and ugly. Turns out she's drop-dead gorgeous and very successful. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 028

You deserved it 14 034

By Sarcasmo - 12/07/2016 20:04 - United States - Madison

Today, I'm so broke that I had to get a refund for my unopened hummus, just so I'd be able to afford the bus fare to get to work tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 792

You deserved it 1 276

By stepmom - 18/06/2011 09:40 - Australia

Today, I explained to my 5 year old daughter that her older sister from my husband's first marriage lives with her mommy, and my daughter lives with us. She exclaimed, "It's not fair! I want two mommies like she has! Can we swap, I like her mommy better than you anyway!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 691

You deserved it 5 028

By Whoops - 06/06/2011 01:44 - United States

Today, while driving with my three year old, I was showing her the different kinds of birds. I pointed out a bright red cardinal perched in a row of hedges. She squealed as it took flight, so happy to see such a brightly colored birdie fly. Until it hit my windshield. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 638

You deserved it 4 515

By alone_forever - 04/03/2009 21:03 - United States

Today, my best friend who I have been secretly in love with forever, was ranting about her ex-girlfriend. Then she said : "If only you were gay, we'd be perfect for each other." So I took the chance to tell her I was. She responded : "Well I am still not attracted to you though." FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 739

You deserved it 7 842

People of Walmart

By FayBerry88 - 04/07/2020 08:08

Today, my four-year-old son asked me for a "boobie hug" in Walmart. It's something his dad thinks is cute and I've just gotten used to, so I hugged him without question. From the other end of the aisle, a strange man asked, "Can I have one too?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 332

You deserved it 428

By weswithaute - 13/11/2011 06:53 - Australia

Today, my daughter asked me how to spell "Orange". "O-R-A-N-G-E" I replied. Without missing a beat, she says "No, I mean the colour, not the fruit." She is 16. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 931

You deserved it 7 789

By fire - 15/12/2009 00:00 - United States

Today, I had to call 911. Why? My fireplace caught on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 479

You deserved it 6 580

By hellphone_fml - 22/11/2018 03:00

Today, my brother's new kitten decided to bring me a gift as a sign of love. It was my pet hamster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 832

You deserved it 279

By TalkedTo - 14/11/2018 03:00

Today, at 16 years old, I got "the talk" from Dad. He began with "I don’t really need to give you the talk do I? It would just be awkward for us both." I agreed with him, and we drove home in silence. Thanks for avoiding the awkwardness, Dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 139

You deserved it 347

By lame - 31/12/2009 05:02 - Canada

Today, I ate a chocolate bar before getting my morning coffee. While waiting for it, a good looking guy starts talking to me, then suddenly loses interest. Afterwards, I see the chocolate on my face in my car mirror. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 367

You deserved it 21 940

By great idea - 11/04/2013 00:40 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my social teacher thought it would be a great idea to have a casual debate about Margaret Thatcher and her legacy. Within 10 minutes, the entire class was yelling, screaming, throwing stuff at each other. I got hit in the face with a binder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 367

You deserved it 3 861

By Derek - 05/08/2018 01:30

Today, I found out that my kids are both my half-brothers, and the fertility tests my wife had us do a few years ago showed that I'm sterile. She didn't tell me until I found the test results in her desk and asked her about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 920

You deserved it 270

By fml - 10/08/2013 10:48 - United States - Perry

Today, my new husband and I were called up to have our first dance at our wedding. While I rested my head on his shoulder, he whispered the most romantic thing to me: "Your breath stinks." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 550

You deserved it 12 239

Hey! Teachers! Leave those kids alone!

By Anonymous - 24/09/2021 13:58

Today, while grading my kindergarteners' spelling tests, one kid spelled all the words wrong, including his name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 767

You deserved it 160

By Anonymous - 30/06/2011 17:44 - United States

Today, I actually resorted to checking the newspaper obituaries to see where the deceased were employed, just so I can find a job opening. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 317

You deserved it 5 390

By Anonymous - 09/11/2011 17:20 - Romania

Today, I realized I have to choose between being unemployed or putting up with my perverted boss who desperately wants me. I'm a guy and so is he. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 289

You deserved it 3 612

By kasai_x0x - 19/06/2010 16:27 - Canada

Today, I found out what cat food tastes like mixed with mayo, hot sauce, and between two perfectly toasted pieces of rye bread. My cat found out what tuna tastes like instead of her normal food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 455

You deserved it 36 031

By Greg - 28/10/2013 21:53 - United States - Livonia

Today, I was leaving the grocery store when an old woman started yelling at me for not holding the door open for her. She accused me of being "everything wrong with the younger generation". It was an automatic door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 150

You deserved it 3 270

By TaffyMichele - 13/09/2012 23:38 - United States - La Verne

Today, my boyfriend told me to text him when I got home to let him know I'd made it home safe. He said if I didn't, he'd assume that aliens had abducted me and that he'd get a new girlfriend. He was completely serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 975

You deserved it 3 776

Heavy sleeper

By PolarBear2020 - 27/07/2021 21:58

Today, maintenance was supposed to come in to replace my broken washer. I worked late last night until 4 AM, and then dozed off. I slept so soundly that they managed to enter the apartment, haul away the broken washer, and install the new one, all while I was fast asleep in the next room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 730

You deserved it 163

By Anonymous - 14/09/2013 21:51 - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, my 16-year-old cousin came to visit for the week. So far, she's said "raunchy", "cray-cray", "legit", and "like" an uncountable number of times. She's only been here for a half hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 738

You deserved it 3 719

By WhosGoingToCleanThisUp - 26/02/2016 19:52 - United Kingdom

Today, my daughter taught me the literal meaning of "When the shit hits the fan." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 681

You deserved it 1 721

By Anonymous - 24/11/2011 10:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I got trapped in an elevator with a chicken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 662

You deserved it 4 228

By fukinlonely - 12/01/2015 12:53 - United Kingdom

Today, both my female flatmate and my gay male flatmate have got their boyfriends round. They've both stuck 'Do Not Disturb' signs on their bedroom doors and are both playing music which doesn't quite muffle the sounds of what they're up to. I haven't had a date in over six months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 634

You deserved it 4 194

On the beat

By Anonymous - 11/09/2020 00:02 - Greece - Thessaloniki

Today, in my orchestra, I was one of the 2 instruments that starts first. The conductor raised his hands, but while I was waiting for the preparatory beats, I blinked. When I opened my eyes, the conductor had already started. I started late, in front of a thousand people. The conductor is still angry with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 132

You deserved it 502

By imwithapples22 - 29/01/2013 16:39 - United States

Today, the last customer of the night shift handed me their money along with a wad of their hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 630

You deserved it 2 382

By anonymous - 25/10/2011 01:33 - United States

Today, I was so bored at my job as a receptionist that I actually got excited when the phone rang. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 253

You deserved it 3 442

By :( - 02/03/2016 14:13 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I had a Chinese test. Our teacher decided to wait until yesterday to tell us about it because she "knew" we wouldn't study anyway and she didn't want to stress us out. I'm pretty sure I failed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 215

You deserved it 1 973

By Tressa95 - 25/02/2018 18:30 - United States - Belleville

Today, I walked into a public restroom and, to my utter surprise, saw a lady squeezing blood out of used tampons. We made eye contact, she continued, and I ran out in horror. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 595

You deserved it 294

By Stevo - 18/06/2010 07:13 - United States

Today, my math teacher told me to learn how to say "welcome to wal-mart". FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 490

You deserved it 11 873

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Friday 15 February 2013 2:52

You say 15 year old virgin like its a bad thing...

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Friday 15 February 2013 2:52

Were you able to save your groceries?

Comments

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Friday 15 February 2013 2:50

I would suggest taking a car in bad neighborhoods. Unless that guy was just crazy, in that case I have nothing to suggest. :/

BntyHntrSeattle 30

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Friday 15 February 2013 2:58

Probably can't drive at 15 :(

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Friday 15 February 2013 4:15

#10. Logic ^

I_iz_B_a_troll 23

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Friday 15 February 2013 2:50

Kids these days?

ilovesarcasm 18

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Friday 15 February 2013 3:41

Crazy wackos with knives these days...

sexxxysydney 14

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Friday 15 February 2013 3:46

If the dude with the knife accused him of sleeping with his wife, I doubt he's a "kid"

Starv 6

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Friday 15 February 2013 3:51

It says that the kid was 15...

Futacy 29

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Friday 15 February 2013 3:55

^ Correction: it says OP is 15 years old.It's safe to say that the crazy dude with the wife and the knife was an adult.

I_iz_B_a_troll 23

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Friday 15 February 2013 4:16

Whichever teenager presumably slept with the crazy guys wife is pretty messed up too... But yeah, that was a bad comment I guess :P

PunkySpunky78 15

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Friday 15 February 2013 5:27

You can't base person's age on their looks I'm 34 years old female i look like teenager

vehementbitch 4

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Friday 15 February 2013 5:46

Shut up!

luckysilverbell 5

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Friday 15 February 2013 9:18

44- Your comment is absolutely hilarious when you read it in a caveman voice.

Pwuj 6

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Friday 15 February 2013 15:21

-44 I'm guessing you're Asian

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Friday 15 February 2013 19:55

44- The claim that the guy with the knife is an adult is not based on his looks. It is based on the fact that in order for him to have a wife (be married), he needs to be at least of legal age, which makes him an adult.

WelcomeToAndale 13

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Friday 15 February 2013 22:44

#63 - how is babby formed?

BntyHntrSeattle 30

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Friday 15 February 2013 2:51

At least you're safe!! Maybe avoid that area in the future, if possible :

capslockisgood 19

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Friday 15 February 2013 6:14

Yeah avoid the area where he purchases food.

sens3sfailing 24

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Friday 15 February 2013 9:40

Hey! I found out there are multiple places to buy food in some areas! Amazing right? They said if possible to account for that possible scenario...

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Friday 15 February 2013 2:52

Were you able to save your groceries?

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Friday 15 February 2013 3:59

No, not the lettuce!

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Monday 18 February 2013 7:39

MY CABBAGES!

thatonegirl731 8

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Friday 13 February 2015 23:05

Peanut Butter Jelly Time!!

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Friday 15 February 2013 2:52

You say 15 year old virgin like its a bad thing...

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Friday 15 February 2013 3:38

Nowadays, kids are having sex at 13. What has our world gone to?

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Friday 15 February 2013 3:42

Note he's better than a fifteen year old virgin, he's a knife crime survivor! Maybe that will help with the virgin dilemma...

perdix 29

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Friday 15 February 2013 3:48

#5, well, it is a bad thing if you are about to die for fucking a guy's wife. It's doing the time without the fun of doing the crime.

MrSassypants 32

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Friday 15 February 2013 4:07

#5 Being a fifteen year old virgin is a bad thing. I remember when I was a fifteen year old virgin. Luckily, I'm a sixteen year old virgin now. Oh how times change....

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Friday 15 February 2013 4:45

17 year old virgin reporting in.

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Friday 15 February 2013 6:11

20 year old virgin here

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Friday 15 February 2013 8:24

23- Maybe 'doing the dame'? Although that would crush your little rhyme you have going there.

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Friday 15 February 2013 9:24

18 year old vir... Wait nope that would be a lie. (Lost it on Valentines Day 2013!)

sens3sfailing 24

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Friday 15 February 2013 9:42

Stop. Bragging.

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Friday 15 February 2013 10:22

19 year old virgin-female. I'm not saying its a bad thing though.

Raesin 21

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Friday 15 February 2013 12:03

Well apparently there is no legal age in Saudi Arabia, you just need to be married.

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Friday 15 February 2013 13:13

#64 You say it like we should all be proud you had sex at 18...which we're not.

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Friday 15 February 2013 15:00

I lost mine at my 20 yrs old, not a big deal, really.

Pwuj 6

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Friday 15 February 2013 15:29

Am I the only one here who has lost my virginity at 14? Born in 89 first kiss at age 14, lost virginty a couple days after first kiss to a 16 yr old girl,.

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Friday 15 February 2013 17:03

18 year old virgin and I'm proud of it

ethan_nelson61 4

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Saturday 16 February 2013 16:00

That's probably what people were saying when people started having sex in their 20's... Get over yourself...

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Friday 15 February 2013 2:53

It's just a friendly warning. He is saying that, on the off chance you sleep with his wife in the future, he would kill you with a knife.

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Friday 15 February 2013 2:56

His knife seems sharper than he is.

longtimesunshine 4

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Friday 15 February 2013 3:12

DocBastard you really went all out on your About Me.

Cryptic17_fml 4

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Friday 15 February 2013 3:52

There is a pm feature. It works wonders

TheRandomIndian 17

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Friday 15 February 2013 7:14

Misty does not have a Pikachu!

zombieslayer83 19

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Friday 15 February 2013 2:56

The condoms and KY on the top of the grocery bag were a dead give away.

perdix 29

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Friday 15 February 2013 2:58

So, you just did 69 and gave her anal, so you're both right.

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Friday 15 February 2013 4:06

Never seen perdix buried before...

perdix 29

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Friday 15 February 2013 4:20

#30, oh, I've seen it. Trust me, I've seen it!

blackfeather6 1

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Friday 15 February 2013 3:06

As a Saudi Arabian I'm assuming you're better off as a 15 yr old virgin.

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29

You deserved it 17

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 93

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 519

You deserved it 100

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 246

You deserved it 92