Today, I went to the market to buy some groceries. Before I got... - FML

By Anonymous - 14/2/2013 21:50 - Saudi Arabia - Dammam

Today, I went to the market to buy some groceries. Before I got even half-way home, a guy stormed toward me, pulled what looked like a knife, and chased me around the block while screaming that he'd kill me for sleeping with his wife. Nope, still a 15-year-old virgin here. FML

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Instadrama

Fear factor

Fairytale ending

By hahahah111 - 25/5/2009 07:43 - United States

Today, my mom was driving me somewhere. As we were driving she got mad at a motorcycle driver telling to "get the fuck off the road." In response, the driver decided to spit into my open window. His spit landed on my face. FML

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By hrtbrkn - 16/7/2009 13:44 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a year broke up with me because "god told him to." What god didn't tell him was that I would check his e-mail and find all the e-mails to and from his new girlfriend. FML

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By shampoomice - 7/8/2013 16:34 - United States - La Porte

Today, I noticed that my new shampoo had an unfamiliar pink color to it. After some investigation, I found a dead mouse that had apparently cut itself on the bottle pump. I've been washing my hair with mouse blood. FML

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By monty - 9/3/2009 02:53 - United States

Today, I was babysitting for my mom's coworkers two little boys. they went to bed around 9 and I was watching a movie on HBO. I fell asleep before the movie was over. I woke up to the parents walking into the house. I looked at the TV, and porn was on. FML

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By E_Sauce - 24/3/2019 12:00

Today I went to the bank to get a jar of coins exchanged for cash via fancy counter machine. After 30 minutes I was handed a bag of rolling sleeves and was told to do it myself. Good news, I have a lot more money than I thought. Bad news, I have A LOT more coins than I thought. FML

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By my eyes!! - 27/5/2020 08:00

Knock next time

Today, I walked in on my husband's elderly parents getting it on. It’s beautiful they still love each other, I just wish they hadn’t decided to express that love on our living room sofa. FML

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By ihateeverything - 14/1/2015 17:35 - United States - Granbury

Today, I dreamed that I cheated on my boyfriend. I was so overwhelmed with guilt that I called him while half-asleep to tell him about it and apologize. I'm fully awake now and he doesn't believe it was really a dream. FML

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By Loveandpoetry - 31/5/2011 21:12

Today, I wrote my boyfriend a poem, and left it on the bed with a rose for him to see after work. When I came home later, I noticed the flower in the trash, and the poem had been used as gum wrapper. FML

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By hoops - 14/1/2011 20:34 - United States

Today, I clocked into work completely exhausted despite having gone to bed early. My roommates stayed up until 4am watching a movie, blasting music, and constantly giggling like madwomen. This is their "new and improved" schedule. FML

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By J Money - 3/9/2018 04:00 - United States

Today, I'm being paid to watch paint dry. I work for military defense, and the door l just painted is an opening for a secure lab, so has to be monitored nonstop. This cannot happen until the paint dries. The U.S. government is literally paying me to watch paint dry. FML

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By Mr IT - 24/11/2009 01:47 - Sweden

Today, the company offering the job position that I've been applying for called me up. I wasn't there to answer so they got redirected to my voice mail in which I'm acting like a drunk David Hasselhoff chewing on a cheeseburger. They called me 5 times. FML

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By blanknameisblank - 9/6/2014 19:36 - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I broke my nose trying to pop a zit. FML

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By facepalm - 27/2/2009 08:39 - Singapore

Today, I was having phone sex with my boyfriend. About halfway through he went really quiet and started breathing heavily. I thought he was about to climax until I discovered he had fallen asleep. FML

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By badtasteinmen - 15/10/2015 18:19 - United States - Beaverton

Today, I finally got the courage to leave my controlling and manipulative ex. He took it well. And by "took it well", I mean he camped out my doorstep, held some of my belongings hostage, and tried to blackmail me into staying with him. FML

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By Lissa - 10/9/2019 20:00

All the single ladies (All the single ladies)

Today, I’m a 28 year-old single mom who has never has never experienced an orgasm. This sucks. FML

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By Beard - 8/11/2016 11:14

Today, I shaved my beard that I wanted to grow for winter, into a goatee for a Skype interview. On the day, the interviewer only used audio. FML

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By kay51 - 24/11/2012 18:41 - United Kingdom

Today, my room-mates were inspired by a TV show to make a "douchebag jar", into which we have to put money every time we say something obnoxious. It seems like I can't open my mouth without having to cough up £10. FML

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By tbanana95 - 4/11/2009 03:17 - United States

Today, I got my crush's phone number. I started texting him and once I told him who it was, he stopped replying. FML

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By "PineappleOfMyEye" - 13/12/2018 12:30

I went to check my grade that was posted for an essay for my comp 1 class. I got a zero. I was devastated only to find out I never actually clicked the submit document button. My grade dropped 20 points.

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By DomesticPatrol - 7/1/2017 02:07 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I just patrolled my entire house with a fucking hammer and flashlight because my cat stepped on a fucking creaky floorboard. It's 2 a.m. FML

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By Greig - 22/5/2011 12:18 - United States

Today, I saw my neighbor of twelve years at the grocery store. Being friendly, I went over to say hello. After I did, she responded by saying that she didn't know me but I look familiar. Finally, she remembered why I'm familiar saying that I look like the dorky guy from Two and a Half Men. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2011 03:58 - United States

Today, I went to the bank to make a deposit. While I was waiting on my transaction, the bank tellers were making fun of me. I could tell cause I heard them through the speaker. FML

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By RENThead - 13/9/2015 19:02 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was walking down a path in the woods behind my house when I saw a squirrel. It ran away, but little did I know it wasn't running from me, it was running from the dog that had forced Animal Control to sweep the area. I ended up with stitches in my leg. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2016 01:15 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, one of my friends made it to school. He has been sick recently, missing days out of the week. When I saw him, I greeted him with, "Were you dying yesterday?" Apparently he wasn't, but his grandmother really did. FML

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By Mygawdwhy - 21/1/2018 01:30

Today, I gave my mom an extra pillow since the ones in the guest room were too flat and hurt her neck. Hours later, I remembered that I'd stashed my vibrator in that pillowcase during a romantic camping trip with my husband. She found it. FML

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By Ravenclaw/Puckwudgie - 9/5/2017 00:00

Today, I got a haircut and met up with a friend for lunch. Said friend then burst out laughing, saying my haircut made me look like Professor Snape. FML

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By LaughingFML - 1/6/2016 21:33 - Canada - Oshawa

Today, my best friend jokingly blocked my number until I apply for a job. She is also supposed to be picking me up from the airport, so now I have no way to contact her to tell her what time. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2014 18:20 - United States - Fresno

Today, I found out I have genital herpes. I'm a virgin. FML

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By JenniWearsPrada - 20/4/2011 08:27

Today, I decided to start my exercise video routine. It's an African dance workout DVD. Just as I felt confident and motivated about getting in shape, I realized that my window was wide open and my neighbors were getting a front row seat to me waving my arms in the air like an idiot. FML

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By anidiotskeeper - 12/7/2012 06:03 - United States - Hawthorne

Today, I went to my girlfriend's house and caught her digging for gold. She wasn't picking her nose - she was literally trying to dig for gold in her backyard. FML

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By pigtails - 16/1/2013 12:21 - United Kingdom - Thetford

Today, management told me that I couldn't have a doorbell on my door. How did they get my attention to tell me this? By ringing my doorbell. FML

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By Rory - 14/4/2012 22:19 - Canada - Toronto

Today, despite the fact that I'm really sick, my mom insisted that I come home and help babysit my cousins this weekend. When I got there, everyone else took off to do "errands," leaving me with three hyperactive, howler monkey-like children to deal with. FML

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By HassledAirfarer - 7/12/2009 02:08 - United States

Today, I was on a red-eye flight, and the woman beside me was chattering loudly to her friend. I opened my laptop and got to work. Suddenly, one of the women turned to me and told me that the clicking of my keyboard was too loud. She then called me an inconsiderate selfish bitch. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/3/2020 20:00 - United Kingdom

Death Grips

Today, I knew my girlfriend's dad owned a security company. What I did not know was that he treats his employees like family, so my girlfriend has about 40 scary uncles who’ve known her since she was a baby, and most of them are ex-military. FML

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By utensils123 - 9/2/2010 06:40 - Australia

Today, I discovered my brother likes to use our kitchen utensils to scratch his private areas. FML

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By Morganisoverrated - 22/10/2018 15:30

Today, I was planning to ask a guy at school out since I had mustered up the confidence to finally tell him how I really felt. I ended up puking on him. FML

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By RWW - 28/7/2010 17:38 - United States

Today, at work, I was talking to a customer. She kept shaking her head "no" at everything I said. I asked what she was disagreeing with. She told me she has Parkinson's Disease, teared up, and asked to speak to my manager. FML

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By peachass - 29/12/2016 04:59 - Australia - Melbourne

Today at work, a woman decided to use the changing room as a public toilet, to wipe the urine with the clothes she tried on, then leave the mess along with her soiled underwear and a used maxi pad for me to clean up. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2017 14:00

Today, I found out that my crazy stalker got a crazy stalker too. And she's also stalking me. So basically, I'm in some sort of a stalking triangle. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2010 17:06 - Canada

Today, while waiting on the platform, a blind man asked out loud for some help getting into the subway car. I helped him through the doors and into a seat. I decided to sit down as well. Twenty minutes later, I realized I was on the wrong subway line. FML

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Top comments

By jkmartinjk | 16

#5368147 - Friday 15 February 2013 2:52

You say 15 year old virgin like its a bad thing...

By kakarot2 | 11

#5368146 - Friday 15 February 2013 2:52

Were you able to save your groceries?

Comments

By Evanito007 | 13

#5368136 - Friday 15 February 2013 2:50

I would suggest taking a car in bad neighborhoods. Unless that guy was just crazy, in that case I have nothing to suggest. :/

Reply

BntyHntrSeattle | 30

#5368168 - Friday 15 February 2013 2:58

Probably can't drive at 15 :(

Reply

Harshdfml | 14

#5368301 - Friday 15 February 2013 4:15

#10. Logic ^

By I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#5368139 - Friday 15 February 2013 2:50

Kids these days?

Reply

ilovesarcasm | 18

#5368236 - Friday 15 February 2013 3:41

Crazy wackos with knives these days...

Reply

sexxxysydney | 14

#5368248 - Friday 15 February 2013 3:46

If the dude with the knife accused him of sleeping with his wife, I doubt he's a "kid"

Reply

Starv | 6

#5368257 - Friday 15 February 2013 3:51

It says that the kid was 15...

Reply

Futacy | 29

#5368264 - Friday 15 February 2013 3:55

^ Correction: it says OP is 15 years old.It's safe to say that the crazy dude with the wife and the knife was an adult.

Reply

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#5368303 - Friday 15 February 2013 4:16

Whichever teenager presumably slept with the crazy guys wife is pretty messed up too... But yeah, that was a bad comment I guess :P

Reply

PunkySpunky78 | 15

#5368384 - Friday 15 February 2013 5:27

You can't base person's age on their looks
I'm 34 years old female i look like teenager

Reply

vehementbitch | 4

#5368406 - Friday 15 February 2013 5:46

Shut up!

Reply

luckysilverbell | 5

#5368549 - Friday 15 February 2013 9:18

44- Your comment is absolutely hilarious when you read it in a caveman voice.

Reply

Pwuj | 6

#5368964 - Friday 15 February 2013 15:21

-44 I'm guessing you're Asian

Reply

Kayaytea | 18

#5369351 - Friday 15 February 2013 19:55

44- The claim that the guy with the knife is an adult is not based on his looks. It is based on the fact that in order for him to have a wife (be married), he needs to be at least of legal age, which makes him an adult.

Reply

WelcomeToAndale | 13

#5369576 - Friday 15 February 2013 22:44

#63 - how is babby formed?

By BntyHntrSeattle | 30

#5368145 - Friday 15 February 2013 2:51

At least you're safe!! Maybe avoid that area in the future, if possible :

Reply

capslockisgood | 19

#5368439 - Friday 15 February 2013 6:14

Yeah avoid the area where he purchases food.

Reply

sens3sfailing | 24

#5368557 - Friday 15 February 2013 9:40

Hey! I found out there are multiple places to buy food in some areas! Amazing right? They said if possible to account for that possible scenario...

By kakarot2 | 11

#5368146 - Friday 15 February 2013 2:52

Were you able to save your groceries?

Reply

klutz44 | 28

#5368268 - Friday 15 February 2013 3:59

No, not the lettuce!

Reply

GingerFishy | 9

#5372578 - Monday 18 February 2013 7:39

MY CABBAGES!

Reply

thatonegirl731 | 8

#6201764 - Friday 13 February 2015 23:05

Peanut Butter Jelly Time!!

By jkmartinjk | 16

#5368147 - Friday 15 February 2013 2:52

You say 15 year old virgin like its a bad thing...

Reply

Z_Diggy | 8

#5368228 - Friday 15 February 2013 3:38

Nowadays, kids are having sex at 13. What has our world gone to?

Reply

machiavelli2 | 5

#5368239 - Friday 15 February 2013 3:42

Note he's better than a fifteen year old virgin, he's a knife crime survivor! Maybe that will help with the virgin dilemma...

Reply

perdix | 29

#5368252 - Friday 15 February 2013 3:48

#5, well, it is a bad thing if you are about to die for fucking a guy's wife. It's doing the time without the fun of doing the crime.

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#5368283 - Friday 15 February 2013 4:07

#5 Being a fifteen year old virgin is a bad thing. I remember when I was a fifteen year old virgin. Luckily, I'm a sixteen year old virgin now. Oh how times change....

Reply

defferwa | 9

#5368337 - Friday 15 February 2013 4:45

17 year old virgin reporting in.

Reply

Murika | 2

#5368437 - Friday 15 February 2013 6:11

20 year old virgin here

Reply

zepher93 | 7

#5368523 - Friday 15 February 2013 8:24

23- Maybe 'doing the dame'? Although that would crush your little rhyme you have going there.

Reply

pickles1994 | 18

#5368552 - Friday 15 February 2013 9:24

18 year old vir... Wait nope that would be a lie. (Lost it on Valentines Day 2013!)

Reply

sens3sfailing | 24

#5368559 - Friday 15 February 2013 9:42

Stop. Bragging.

Reply

Snoopy0718 | 14

#5368569 - Friday 15 February 2013 10:22

19 year old virgin-female. I'm not saying its a bad thing though.

Reply

Raesin | 21

#5368671 - Friday 15 February 2013 12:03

Well apparently there is no legal age in Saudi Arabia, you just need to be married.

Reply

DaftDude | 11

#5368775 - Friday 15 February 2013 13:13

#64 You say it like we should all be proud you had sex at 18...which we're not.

Reply

pedinhuh | 23

#5368944 - Friday 15 February 2013 15:00

I lost mine at my 20 yrs old, not a big deal, really.

Reply

Pwuj | 6

#5368975 - Friday 15 February 2013 15:29

Am I the only one here who has lost my virginity at 14? Born in 89 first kiss at age 14, lost virginty a couple days after first kiss to a 16 yr old girl,.

Reply

cblock94 | 7

#5369117 - Friday 15 February 2013 17:03

18 year old virgin and I'm proud of it

Reply

ethan_nelson61 | 4

#5370506 - Saturday 16 February 2013 16:00

That's probably what people were saying when people started having sex in their 20's... Get over yourself...

By Quinn32 | 16

#5368150 - Friday 15 February 2013 2:53

It's just a friendly warning. He is saying that, on the off chance you sleep with his wife in the future, he would kill you with a knife.

By DocBastard | 38

#5368158 - Friday 15 February 2013 2:56

His knife seems sharper than he is.

Reply

longtimesunshine | 4

#5368195 - Friday 15 February 2013 3:12

DocBastard you really went all out on your About Me.

Reply

Cryptic17_fml | 4

#5368258 - Friday 15 February 2013 3:52

There is a pm feature. It works wonders

Reply

TheRandomIndian | 17

#5368488 - Friday 15 February 2013 7:14

Misty does not have a Pikachu!

By zombieslayer83 | 19

#5368160 - Friday 15 February 2013 2:56

The condoms and KY on the top of the grocery bag were a dead give away.

By perdix | 29

#5368167 - Friday 15 February 2013 2:58

So, you just did 69 and gave her anal, so you're both right.

Reply

finnrambo | 13

#5368279 - Friday 15 February 2013 4:06

Never seen perdix buried before...

Reply

perdix | 29

#5368308 - Friday 15 February 2013 4:20

#30, oh, I've seen it. Trust me, I've seen it!

By blackfeather6 | 1

#5368182 - Friday 15 February 2013 3:06

As a Saudi Arabian I'm assuming you're better off as a 15 yr old virgin.