Miscellaneous: Today, I went to the market to buy some groceries. Before I got... - FML

By Anonymous - Saudi Arabia - Dammam

Today, I went to the market to buy some groceries. Before I got even half-way home, a guy stormed toward me, pulled what looked like a knife, and chased me around the block while screaming that he'd kill me for sleeping with his wife. Nope, still a 15-year-old virgin here. FML

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Late term

Assumptions

Harsh

By dudezilla - United States

Today, I got a text message from a number I didn't know telling me, "Fine. It's over, have a wonderful life." I've never had a girlfriend and now I get broken up with by girls I don't even know. FML

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By Arthurie - United States - Plainview

Today, I was in the hospital. I had recently broken my arm, and had to have it re-broken. I've secretly been a lesbian for years. Guess who came out to her strict Christian parents while on anesthetics. FML

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By totallyscrewedomg - United States

Today, my parents, not trusting me and my boyfriend, told us to call them in the middle of our movie so they could hear it, and prove we weren't up to no good. Well, I called. Just as a raging sex scene started. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Medina

Today, my son paid the price for emulating his idols, aka the sub-human scum on Jersey Shore. He called me from jail and actually had the balls to try to guilt me into bailing him out, after he'd been arrested for punching his girlfriend at a liquor store. FML

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By poop - United States

Today, my boss decided to post a photo of a piece of crap on Facebook. He tagged me in it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my serious boyfriend was talking about how he wants to get engaged and married. I was really happy until he said he's excited mainly for the tax benefits. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was fired from my job. Why? My boss didn't like that my manager and I are friends outside of work, and he thinks we are sleeping together. She's gay and I live with my boyfriend of 5 years. He blamed it on me wearing the wrong shoes 3 weeks ago. FML

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By epistaxis - Australia

Today, my nephew asked me how babies are made. I thought he'd had this chat with his mom, but I went in to it again. After a 20 minute 'discussion', he says "So what about the good stuff - get to the blowjobs and the lesbians." He's 11. FML

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By Anonymous - Brazil

Today, my long-distance boyfriend was at my house for a 10-day visit. He told me that we'd never spent so much time together, so he didn't know me well and now, he'd finally met the "real me". He doesn't like it. FML

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By Meh - United States

Today, I was surprising my husband because our sex life is lacking. We have planned sex tuesday night, every week, with the lights off. When he came home for lunch, I was nude and waiting for him. He took one look and said, "I forgot you looked like that. Meh, I'm going back to work." FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, I had to explain to my 22-year-old boyfriend that mice do not grow up to be rats. FML

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By Alex Xavier

False Advertising

Today, after getting married recently and my wife making a ton of promises about "things" we'd do, she admitted she won't do any of them and said I should just accept that she lied. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on my first date in nearly a year. A few minutes into the meal, he called me "scrumptious" and made animal noises for the rest of it. FML

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By fishruinsex

Today, I was messing around in my boyfriend's pants while watching TV. He was totally absorbed in the fishing show that was on. When the guy lost a fish, he got so disappointed that he became completely flaccid. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Encinitas

Today, my butt decided to delete the 650 photos I had on my phone. FML

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By Dummy

Today, I found out that the little red dots all over my body aren't some horrible disease like I originally thought. They're bedbug bites. I've managed to not notice a huge infestation for 5 months. FML

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By TheFatOne - United States

Today, I had to cancel my plans to go see my grandma, because I wasn't feeling too well. I called her to apologize, but she had trouble remembering who I was. When I told her my name, she said "Oh, the FAT one." Yes grandma, the fat one. FML

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By abby181 - United States

Today, my six year old nephew told me to peel off my skin because, "They say you look prettier on the inside." FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I realized that my wife is such a bitch normally, she's actually nicer when she is on her period. FML

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By Foreveralone - United States

Today, my coworker was talking to me about how there's always that one person in a group of friends that everyone secretly dislikes and laughs at. I realized that person is me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met a girl at the bar. Things were going really well and we ended up going back to her place. Problem? Her husband who normally works the graveyard shift was home sick. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friends and I were hanging out when we thought it would be cool to set off a few fireworks. Nothing burns quite like the hair on the left side of your head. FML

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By ak - United States

Today, I was laying with my girlfriend on the couch. I looked at her and says "You're so beautiful. How did I ever get you?" She replied, "I was drunk." FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2021 05:00

Mr Commitment

Today, after I caught my (now ex) boyfriend cheating. He told me that it isn't my business if he was seeing other woman, because we didn't had an official relationship. We have been living together in a house we bought, for two years now. FML

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By Girl-with-the-glasses - Australia - Sydney

Today, I found out about my old school's class reunion, which I wasn't invited to. Everyone has my number and e-mail address. They just "forgot" to tell me. FML

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By HeadTrauma - United States

Today, I had a dream that I was 25, unemployed, living with my parents, and still completely in love with someone who no longer feels the same way about me. Oh wait... it wasn't a dream. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, in an attempt to potty train my 2-year-old, I sat her on the toilet and waited for several minutes. I finally gave up and lifted her off the toilet just in time for her to pee on my new shoes. FML

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By idiotson - United States - Rocky Point

Today, I had to go to the police station after my son got arrested for shoplifting 15 packs of gum. He got away with it at first, but got busted when he tried to return it all because he "didn't like the flavor". FML

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By BatBee - United States - Princeton

Today, my husband and I were talking about how we missed our sexting from when we were dating, so later I took a bath and texted him while he was relaxing in bed. His response ? "I'm tired and hurry up I need to poop." FML

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By girlmeetsworld - United States

Today, my four-year-old cousin gave me a hug, basically stuffing his face into my crotch. Then he pulled it out and said "Ew, that's stinky" in front of my entire class. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Kitchener

Today, my mother-in-law sent me a pedometer for my birthday. I've been confined to a wheelchair for most of my life. FML

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By dmvsucks - United States

Today, I was at the DMV getting temporary tags for my new car. While waiting in line, a huge fat lady behind me felt the need to run her finger down the scar on the back of my neck. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

John Coltrane

Today, I asked my girlfriend of a year and a half to give me a blow job. She replied okay and bent down and blew on my penis. Then she looked up at me and said, "Was that good?" She was serious. FML

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By suosi - United States - Indianapolis

Today, the crush I've had for months finally came over to my place for the first time. It didn't last long however, as I suddenly had to go to the ER for severe testicular pain. FML

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By Inkabadger - Canada

Today, since we hadn't been romantic for a long time, I shaved, took a bath, cut my hair and snuggled up to my husband in bed. He got up, went to the computer, masturbated to porn, came back to bed and asked me what was for breakfast. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while blowing my nose after being bunged up for days, it finally unblocked. A solid slimy multicoloured booger roughly the size of a grape shot out, blew right through the tissue and landed on my manager's shoe. Hell hath no fury like a lady sneezed upon. FML

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By Miguel Ezpeleta - 29/5/2020 05:00

Never get involved

Today, I was working for my cousin. However, two weeks ago I found out my cousin's wife was cheating on him, through lying to her best friend. I told him, and he later told her. They've apparently made up, because I got fired. FML

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By baebookboo - United States - Lawrence

Today, I asked my mom about signing up for an online dating site. She took one look at me and said, "Why get rejected online when you can just go outside for the same?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I applied some things I learned reading a "How to please a woman" book. My wife was in heaven until it was over, then she started crying and yelling about the only way I would learn those things is if I was having an affair. I explained but she doesn't believe me. FML

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By atleastwedidntdie

Today, I was supposed to be sipping margaritas on a beach in Mexico. Too bad we only made it 37 miles before getting in a car accident. FML

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Top comments

By jkmartinjk | 16

#5368147 - Friday 15 February 2013 2:52

You say 15 year old virgin like its a bad thing...

By kakarot2 | 11

#5368146 - Friday 15 February 2013 2:52

Were you able to save your groceries?

COMMENTS

By Evanito007 | 13

#5368136 - Friday 15 February 2013 2:50

I would suggest taking a car in bad neighborhoods. Unless that guy was just crazy, in that case I have nothing to suggest. :/

Reply

BntyHntrSeattle | 30

#5368168 - Friday 15 February 2013 2:58

Probably can't drive at 15 :(

Reply

Harshdfml | 14

#5368301 - Friday 15 February 2013 4:15

#10. Logic ^

By I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#5368139 - Friday 15 February 2013 2:50

Kids these days?

Reply

ilovesarcasm | 18

#5368236 - Friday 15 February 2013 3:41

Crazy wackos with knives these days...

Reply

sexxxysydney | 14

#5368248 - Friday 15 February 2013 3:46

If the dude with the knife accused him of sleeping with his wife, I doubt he's a "kid"

Reply

Starv | 6

#5368257 - Friday 15 February 2013 3:51

It says that the kid was 15...

Reply

Futacy | 29

#5368264 - Friday 15 February 2013 3:55

^ Correction: it says OP is 15 years old.It's safe to say that the crazy dude with the wife and the knife was an adult.

Reply

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#5368303 - Friday 15 February 2013 4:16

Whichever teenager presumably slept with the crazy guys wife is pretty messed up too... But yeah, that was a bad comment I guess :P

Reply

PunkySpunky78 | 15

#5368384 - Friday 15 February 2013 5:27

You can't base person's age on their looks
I'm 34 years old female i look like teenager

Reply

vehementbitch | 4

#5368406 - Friday 15 February 2013 5:46

Shut up!

Reply

luckysilverbell | 5

#5368549 - Friday 15 February 2013 9:18

44- Your comment is absolutely hilarious when you read it in a caveman voice.

Reply

Pwuj | 6

#5368964 - Friday 15 February 2013 15:21

-44 I'm guessing you're Asian

Reply

Kayaytea | 18

#5369351 - Friday 15 February 2013 19:55

44- The claim that the guy with the knife is an adult is not based on his looks. It is based on the fact that in order for him to have a wife (be married), he needs to be at least of legal age, which makes him an adult.

Reply

WelcomeToAndale | 13

#5369576 - Friday 15 February 2013 22:44

#63 - how is babby formed?

By BntyHntrSeattle | 30

#5368145 - Friday 15 February 2013 2:51

At least you're safe!! Maybe avoid that area in the future, if possible :

Reply

capslockisgood | 19

#5368439 - Friday 15 February 2013 6:14

Yeah avoid the area where he purchases food.

Reply

sens3sfailing | 24

#5368557 - Friday 15 February 2013 9:40

Hey! I found out there are multiple places to buy food in some areas! Amazing right? They said if possible to account for that possible scenario...

By kakarot2 | 11

#5368146 - Friday 15 February 2013 2:52

Were you able to save your groceries?

Reply

klutz44 | 28

#5368268 - Friday 15 February 2013 3:59

No, not the lettuce!

Reply

GingerFishy | 9

#5372578 - Monday 18 February 2013 7:39

MY CABBAGES!

Reply

thatonegirl731 | 8

#6201764 - Friday 13 February 2015 23:05

Peanut Butter Jelly Time!!

By jkmartinjk | 16

#5368147 - Friday 15 February 2013 2:52

You say 15 year old virgin like its a bad thing...

Reply

Z_Diggy | 8

#5368228 - Friday 15 February 2013 3:38

Nowadays, kids are having sex at 13. What has our world gone to?

Reply

machiavelli2 | 5

#5368239 - Friday 15 February 2013 3:42

Note he's better than a fifteen year old virgin, he's a knife crime survivor! Maybe that will help with the virgin dilemma...

Reply

perdix | 29

#5368252 - Friday 15 February 2013 3:48

#5, well, it is a bad thing if you are about to die for fucking a guy's wife. It's doing the time without the fun of doing the crime.

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#5368283 - Friday 15 February 2013 4:07

#5 Being a fifteen year old virgin is a bad thing. I remember when I was a fifteen year old virgin. Luckily, I'm a sixteen year old virgin now. Oh how times change....

Reply

defferwa | 9

#5368337 - Friday 15 February 2013 4:45

17 year old virgin reporting in.

Reply

Murika | 2

#5368437 - Friday 15 February 2013 6:11

20 year old virgin here

Reply

zepher93 | 7

#5368523 - Friday 15 February 2013 8:24

23- Maybe 'doing the dame'? Although that would crush your little rhyme you have going there.

Reply

pickles1994 | 18

#5368552 - Friday 15 February 2013 9:24

18 year old vir... Wait nope that would be a lie. (Lost it on Valentines Day 2013!)

Reply

sens3sfailing | 24

#5368559 - Friday 15 February 2013 9:42

Stop. Bragging.

Reply

Snoopy0718 | 14

#5368569 - Friday 15 February 2013 10:22

19 year old virgin-female. I'm not saying its a bad thing though.

Reply

Raesin | 21

#5368671 - Friday 15 February 2013 12:03

Well apparently there is no legal age in Saudi Arabia, you just need to be married.

Reply

DaftDude | 11

#5368775 - Friday 15 February 2013 13:13

#64 You say it like we should all be proud you had sex at 18...which we're not.

Reply

pedinhuh | 23

#5368944 - Friday 15 February 2013 15:00

I lost mine at my 20 yrs old, not a big deal, really.

Reply

Pwuj | 6

#5368975 - Friday 15 February 2013 15:29

Am I the only one here who has lost my virginity at 14? Born in 89 first kiss at age 14, lost virginty a couple days after first kiss to a 16 yr old girl,.

Reply

cblock94 | 7

#5369117 - Friday 15 February 2013 17:03

18 year old virgin and I'm proud of it

Reply

ethan_nelson61 | 4

#5370506 - Saturday 16 February 2013 16:00

That's probably what people were saying when people started having sex in their 20's... Get over yourself...

By Quinn32 | 16

#5368150 - Friday 15 February 2013 2:53

It's just a friendly warning. He is saying that, on the off chance you sleep with his wife in the future, he would kill you with a knife.

By DocBastard | 38

#5368158 - Friday 15 February 2013 2:56

His knife seems sharper than he is.

Reply

longtimesunshine | 4

#5368195 - Friday 15 February 2013 3:12

DocBastard you really went all out on your About Me.

Reply

Cryptic17_fml | 4

#5368258 - Friday 15 February 2013 3:52

There is a pm feature. It works wonders

Reply

TheRandomIndian | 17

#5368488 - Friday 15 February 2013 7:14

Misty does not have a Pikachu!

By zombieslayer83 | 19

#5368160 - Friday 15 February 2013 2:56

The condoms and KY on the top of the grocery bag were a dead give away.

By perdix | 29

#5368167 - Friday 15 February 2013 2:58

So, you just did 69 and gave her anal, so you're both right.

Reply

finnrambo | 13

#5368279 - Friday 15 February 2013 4:06

Never seen perdix buried before...

Reply

perdix | 29

#5368308 - Friday 15 February 2013 4:20

#30, oh, I've seen it. Trust me, I've seen it!

By blackfeather6 | 1

#5368182 - Friday 15 February 2013 3:06

As a Saudi Arabian I'm assuming you're better off as a 15 yr old virgin.