Love: Today, my boyfriend stole a guy's cookie. As revenge, he stole... - FML

By ROLLY - 03/03/2010 20:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend stole a guy's cookie. As revenge, he stole my iPod. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 479

You deserved it 3 905

Batman

The smell detective is on the case

Mama's boy

By Anonymous - 17/04/2014 16:01 - United States - Orange

Today, I had my first car crash. I ran into a parked car and the owner saw it happen. I then accidentally opened my door straight into her car as well when I went to give her my information. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 010

You deserved it 11 738

By Anonymous - 21/02/2019 20:00

Today, I wasn't sure whether it was past the time when they stopped giving out parking tickets. I checked the meters on either side of my car, and both were expired, so I figured I was good. I came back out to all three of us having tickets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 536

You deserved it 1 859

By nomorenakedpicsplease - 07/07/2013 05:21 - Canada - Leduc

Spicy

Today, I found out that my ex-girlfriend gives out my number to guys who ask for hers. Let's just say that I'll never be able to unsee the pictures that were sent to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 310

You deserved it 5 265

By Thistle - 12/09/2009 00:10 - United States

Today, I filled out an application at WalMart after being unable to find a job in three months. I just graduated from law school. With honors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 557

You deserved it 5 107

By Anonymous - 20/02/2019 04:00

Today, I was driving my dad, who recently turned 50, to the store and had to listen to him go on and on that he’s having to accept that, as my siblings and I get older and are more independent, he’s having to transition from "sex god to just a dad." I don't know either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 974

You deserved it 169

By King_of_Cha0s - 15/09/2015 18:05 - United States - San Jose

Today, my PE teacher yelled at me for not trying hard enough in class. This my second week back after being in the hospital with a collapsed lung. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 910

You deserved it 1 723

By jsalmons - 02/06/2011 17:39 - Germany

Spicy

Today, I flew home to Germany to see my wife before I'm deployed, only to find her in bed with another guy. She explained that she wants us to stay together, but she can't take a year without being intimate with someone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 399

You deserved it 5 323

By Anonymous - 25/08/2014 16:01 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, it's been almost a week since I returned from my vacation to Ireland. Before I rarely drank. Now I'm pretty sure I'm an alcoholic. You might think I'm joking, but I've woken up hungover every day since I landed there. I basically paid to kill my liver and become AA's next poster child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 285

You deserved it 17 538

By karengoeswest - 16/08/2018 15:00

Today, my coworker was talking about how he's met the man of his dreams and they've been dating for 3 months. He showed me a picture of them at Niagara Falls last weekend. His new boyfriend is my husband, who was supposedly on a business trip in Boston. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 897

You deserved it 255

By you would - 04/03/2009 05:15 - United States

Today, my wife told me that she wanted a divorce. It is also my 39th birthday today. For my birthday present, she gave me a subscription to match.com. FML

I agree, your life sucks 140 757

You deserved it 7 626

By anonymous - 15/06/2011 18:00 - Canada

Today, I had to lie to my female roommate about what happened last night. She was drunk and spent half the night cuddling with me and trying to get me to kiss her. I've loved this girl for two years, but I promised her I wouldn't let her cheat on her boyfriend with anyone. Even me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 964

You deserved it 12 749

By Anonymous - 15/11/2015 17:36 - United States - Show Low

Today, I picked up an elderly woman walking alone in the cold. I asked her where she was going but she didn't respond. Thinking she was just cold, I kept driving until a man driving erratically kept honking at me. Turns out he's her husband and she has severe Alzheimers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 072

You deserved it 2 257

By Anonymous - 16/08/2016 17:34 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boyfriend crashed our car into the car ahead. He was trying to pull away from the traffic lights faster than the person next to us, a ten-year-old kid on a bicycle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 620

You deserved it 1 570

By Anonymous - 04/01/2012 03:30 - Canada

Today, as an important meeting with clients was drawing to a close, we all stood up and they bid their farewells. My response was to blurt out, "Hello!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 573

You deserved it 7 786

By MeowApp - 01/02/2017 10:00 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, in my early morning haze, I tried to find the setting on my phone that would stop my cat meowing for his breakfast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 195

You deserved it 1 343

By BagBoy - 13/11/2013 06:42 - United States

Today, I was taking out a customer's groceries when he offered me a $5 tip. I told him I couldn't accept, since it's against store policy, but thanked him anyway. He called me an asshole just as my boss was walking to his car, who then yelled at me for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 737

You deserved it 3 022

Fake news

By Anonymous - 18/07/2014 20:04 - Cura?ao

Today, I read a book by a former client who did time for fraud. She swears she's innocent, and blames everyone for her "ordeal": the police, court, judge, and me, her own attorney. She conveniently forgot to mention her two full confessions, one of which was given before the judge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 261

You deserved it 3 447

By gullible - 12/04/2014 16:01 - United States

Today, I found out that the April Fool's Day prank my girlfriend and best friend played on me was not a joke, and that they actually did sleep together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 792

You deserved it 3 922

By burgeee - 18/03/2010 10:24 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, the love of my life sent me a text saying "touch my pork". Somehow I don't think my feelings are mutual. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 411

You deserved it 4 250

By Downanout - 04/05/2019 18:00

Today, I found out I did so horrible during my interview that I didn’t even get a rejection email. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 597

You deserved it 238

By Callum536 - 22/08/2016 09:51 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, it's my birthday and I'd invited quite a lot of my friends to come round and have some fun. When I got home, I saw a few cars outside. It turned out to be for the neighbours. I waited and waited; none of my friends showed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 911

You deserved it 859

By Anonymous - 26/04/2014 05:57 - Canada

Today, I bought my niece a plush My Little Pony figure for her birthday. Only after she unwrapped it did I realize that it was meant to be a sex toy for grown men. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 710

You deserved it 19 174

By Anonymous - 14/01/2011 07:38 - United States

Today, I got my car back from the shop. The engine has been rebuilt twice in the past 3 months. My check engine light just came on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 489

You deserved it 3 495

But mah grandbabiiiiiiiiez

By Anonymous - 20/10/2021 02:00

Today, my mother found out that my fiancée broke up with her last boyfriend because she didn't want kids and he did. She's now demanding that I either change her mind, or call things off with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 815

You deserved it 104

No more cheese before bedtime

By mmmmm - 17/05/2021 20:01 - United States - Denver

Today, I had a dream in which an electrical outlet began spewing water. It then spoke to me, "You’re not telling ANYONE about this." I then woke up with laryngitis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 759

You deserved it 70

By Anonymous - 31/05/2013 04:16 - United States - Pleasant Grove

Today, I was texting my boyfriend when he said, "Hold up." Thinking it'd be funny, I ran and grabbed my copy of the movie Up, and took a picture of me holding it and sent it to him. He replied, "Getting real tired of your shit." Then dumped me for my "dumb taste in humor." FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 467

You deserved it 14 962

By Anonymous - 26/03/2012 10:53 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, a man on the subway serenaded me. That's not the issue. He was cross-eyed, making it hard for me not to laugh in his face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 290

You deserved it 30 178

By webperson04 - 27/07/2009 19:07 - United States

Today, I was peeing in a urinal at a bar. A drunk guy comes in, and seeing no urinals open, he decides to pee between my legs from behind me. He didn't have good aim. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 318

You deserved it 3 588

By Skullie - 19/02/2012 05:40 - United States

Today, my boyfriend poked me on Facebook. I got excited because this is as close as he's come to touching me in weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 756

You deserved it 4 940

Help

By whyme - 08/12/2010 06:26

Today, feeling so depressed to the point of having suicidal thoughts, I texted a girl I had a crush on. Her response? "Can you please delete my number, you're getting annoying." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 442

You deserved it 19 730

By talker - 14/11/2012 06:14 - United States - Middletown

Today, I discovered both how much I really talk to myself when I'm drinking alone and how thin the walls of my apartment are. I heard my own slurred voice coming from my neighbor's apartment. They had recorded me and made a mixtape of some of the more interesting things I had said. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 514

You deserved it 22 952

By NOKHAN - 25/10/2013 17:17 - United States - Durham

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I watched Star Trek Into Darkness together. He liked it so much that he's now chosen to yell "KHAAANNNNN!" as he cums. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 010

You deserved it 7 219

By DontGetSlapped - 18/02/2013 00:24 - United States - Conway

Today, my mom called me a "heartless bitch" for eating the last Hot Pocket. This is coming from a woman who, just last week, faked having cancer to get out of a speeding ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 433

You deserved it 2 506

By Dentedbumper - 07/03/2019 14:00

Today, I tried to back my car into my parking space while some of my neighbors were out by their cars. I accidentally rammed into the retaining wall behind my spot. I was hoping the neighbors didn't notice the huge crunching sound, but they did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 985

You deserved it 1 598

Kids, it doesn't get any better

By Anonymous - 15/03/2020 03:02

Today, I was sitting in class when I overheard a group talking about how much they don't like me. When they saw me there, they burst out laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 756

You deserved it 98

CIA-level batshittery

By fear - 17/12/2020 00:02 - United States - Denver

Today, an angry customer from my old job and punched me in the face before screaming; “You thought you’d seen the last of me?” I moved seven states over and she followed me here just to do that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 125

You deserved it 80

By VoodooPriestess - 04/07/2019 04:00

Today, my boyfriend told me the reason he dated me was because he was lonely, and I looked lonely enough to like him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 660

You deserved it 143

You go Glenn Coco!

By Anonymous - 20/10/2020 17:07

Spicy

Today, my very top boyfriend told me he was ready to try being the bottom. He moaned and complained about the pain the entire time, even though I got less than 2 inches in, and then got angry I was taking so long to cum. I thought I was the drama queen in our house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 191

You deserved it 288

Yada yada yada

By Anonymous - 05/09/2013 06:47 - United Kingdom - Warrington

Today, I finally got up the courage to talk to my four-year boyfriend about how insecure I've been feeling in our relationship recently, and how I needed his support while I try to get my self-esteem back on-track. He fell asleep mid-conversation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 016

You deserved it 5 258

By marriedbutlonely - 15/02/2016 02:36 - United States - Federal Way

Today, after having my husband ask if I 'had any plans' for the weekend, and him mentioning that he got me something special, he played his PS4 for hours, ignored me, then finally took a break to hand me a tiny box of chocolates. I can't even be mad because he looked so proud. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 933

You deserved it 3 122

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Thursday 4 March 2010 1:09

your boyfriend is a douche.

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Thursday 4 March 2010 1:07

eat the cookie as pay back

Comments

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Thursday 4 March 2010 1:07

eat the cookie as pay back

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Thursday 4 March 2010 1:13

oh I get it

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Thursday 4 March 2010 1:20

A cookie is equall to an iPod BIATCHhhhhhh

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Thursday 4 March 2010 2:58

You are all making me very hungry. Stop making me hungry before I eat you all :)

relyo 0

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Thursday 4 March 2010 8:14

I can tell no one's stolen any cookies from you in years.

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Thursday 4 March 2010 1:22

I agree. Eat the cookie.. if you're five. if not shame on you for dating a five year old.

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Thursday 4 March 2010 1:22

how you let someone steal you iPod . irresponsible .

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Thursday 4 March 2010 1:22

dump him for the other guy

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Thursday 4 March 2010 1:36

You obviously know who did it so go get it back. Then eat the cookie.

strandedinalimo 0

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Thursday 4 March 2010 2:08

I sure do like cookies, and my iPod. I wonder which one I like more...

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Thursday 4 March 2010 2:14

Well now you have to one up him... steal his virginity?

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Thursday 4 March 2010 3:08

I agree with #18. Why was your iPod somewhere it could be stolen? My iPhone never leaves my pocket... unless he stole it from you by force, in which case he should get his ass kicked. Actually he deserves a beat down anyway.

Dwight_A_R_Manag 0

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Thursday 4 March 2010 3:26

How old are you that someone cries about a stolen cookie and you get you iPod stolen by said cry baby.

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Thursday 4 March 2010 3:29

Well...... Cookie>ipod duh

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Thursday 4 March 2010 3:40

or maybe start acting like the cookie is an iPod and plug earbuds into it and act like ur listening to music or playing games on it, then he will envy the cookie and trade back the iPod for the cookie

SomeonethingStup 0

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Thursday 4 March 2010 3:57

There is only one solution to this: you need to steal that guy's girlfriend.

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Thursday 4 March 2010 4:18

scientist have proven that cookies are greater then an ipod

Yee12 0

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Thursday 4 March 2010 4:18

YDI for knowing people

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Thursday 4 March 2010 4:39

I think you should kick his ass...take back your iPod by force... then when it's all over, eat the cookie infront of his face haha.

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Thursday 4 March 2010 5:20

Bite his penis off? Actually just steal his virginity with nasty strap on butt secks!

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Thursday 4 March 2010 6:46

I have a question. I think people may have misread it. the guy who's not her boyfriend stole her iPod.

captainmarshall1 0

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Thursday 4 March 2010 8:36

haha nice 55. but i hate it when people say earbuds, instead of saying headphones. just sounds weird to me...

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Thursday 4 March 2010 18:53

hehe... you failed. wanna' cookie?

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Monday 4 April 2011 4:49

i totally agree with 55.

I_lost_the_game 25

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Thursday 5 January 2012 0:11

Why is everyone saying "Steal their boyfriend"? First off, they are boyfriend and girlfriend. Second, the girlfriend is the one writing the FML, and it said nothing about the boyfriend having a boyfriend!

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Thursday 4 March 2010 1:08

Why?

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Thursday 4 March 2010 1:09

just cause

deliciouscake 3

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Thursday 4 March 2010 7:09

what the Fuck. The only words that can make sense.

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Thursday 4 March 2010 11:17

cookie is a synonym for virginity; so dude is justified in taking the iPod.

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Thursday 4 March 2010 1:09

your boyfriend is a douche.

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Thursday 4 March 2010 3:07

In Soviet Russia, iPod steals cookie.

relyo 0

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Thursday 4 March 2010 8:11

1985 called. It wants it's joke back.

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Thursday 4 March 2010 11:20

it's actually sad that 1985 is being used to represent something old. even more sad when you consider most of the people that post weren't alive in '85...

benen 0

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Thursday 4 March 2010 1:10

haha that's like when my mom called my dad fat then he called me ugly

bethanysaccount 0

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Thursday 4 March 2010 1:11

your boyfriend is obviously immature for stealing a cookie so break up with him then steal his ipod

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Thursday 4 March 2010 1:58

If he has an iPod o.O either way eat the cookie!! XD

I_Love_FML12345 3

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Saturday 6 March 2010 2:49

her boyfriend stole the cookie so bye the time he stole her ipod the cookie was disolved bye the bf's stomach acids and it will be coming back very soon 8D!!!

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Wednesday 8 September 2010 1:35

lol... h

R3kli3 10

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Thursday 4 March 2010 1:13

time to get a new bf

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Thursday 4 March 2010 1:13

wow hes stupid

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Thursday 4 March 2010 1:17

NEVER mess with a man and his cookie

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Thursday 4 March 2010 2:51

XD hahahahahahahahah owned by the old dbag up front XD

invis 0

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Thursday 4 March 2010 1:17

Go become an hero.

VanessaVander 2

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Thursday 4 March 2010 1:17

what a stupid fricken boyfriend

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17

You deserved it 10

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55

You deserved it 17

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 112

You deserved it 2 174

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 866

You deserved it 193