Animals: Today, I got up at 5am, brushed my teeth, shaved and showered...

By RustyBulletHole - United States

Today, I got up at 5am, brushed my teeth, shaved and showered to get ready for work only to step barefoot in a huge pile of dog crap in the middle of my living room floor. I don't own a dog. FML

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Animals

Late term

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Season finale

By Anonymous

Still alive?

Today, after finally having the guts to confess to a guy I have liked for a year now and him saying he also likes me and then asking me out, I went out of my way and traveled 4 hours to meet him. He didn't show up and never apologized. I never heard anything from him. FML

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By pandasbear - United States

Today, I went on a first date wearing a new hair color. It was Interior Latex Slate Speckled Grey, from accidentally leaning my head against a wall while house painting earlier. FML

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By Foreigner - Jersey

Today, I was having a great time shopping with my gran, until she started complaining about all the foreigners ruining our town, and counting each person who didn't look 100% British. It wouldn't even have been so bad if I wasn't adopted into the family, from Russia. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Montr?al

Today, my band and I played at our first ever real gig. Our drummer turned up high out of his damn mind. After ruining our act with his godawful performance, he screamed "HELL YEAH!" then ran and dove off the stage into a nearly non-existent audience. We were told to never come back. FML

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By roomatewoes - United States - Northfield

Today, I came back to my dorm to find my roommate forgot to get rid of her massive amounts of cheese before break. She did, however, remember to unplug the refrigerator. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Darwin

The Conversationalist

Today, I was so bad at maintaining a conversation that the only way for the other guy to put up with me was to drink. He was the designated driver. He would rather risk drinking and driving than being sober around me. FML

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By selfdefense - United Kingdom

Today, a customer at work became violent and started hitting me and my coworker. Not wanting him to get the shit beat out of us, I used a move that pinned the guy on the ground. The police came and he was arrested. I was then fired for assaulting a customer. FML

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By I'm disgusting

Today, my girlfriend caught me using my T-shirt as a tissue. Again. FML

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504

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By keyshame - Australia - Leichhardt

Today, I took my car to be repaired. The mechanic put out his hand when he saw me, so I shook it. He just wanted my keys. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after a year of living with my girlfriend, I came to the conclusion that I'm never going to marry her. I packed my things, wished her well in her life, and loaded everything up into my car. It's been working fine up until this afternoon. Now it won't start. FML

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By ihateyouatt - United States

Today, I was trying to change my PIN code in order to make my phone more secure and prevent people from getting information from it. Instead, I somehow ended up locking my phone permanently. FML

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By fear - 17/12/2020 00:02 - United States - Denver

CIA-level batshittery

Today, an angry customer from my old job and punched me in the face before screaming; “You thought you’d seen the last of me?” I moved seven states over and she followed me here just to do that. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went into a music store to look into getting a new guitar. I picked up one that I was interested in and tried it out quietly. A sales representative approached me and asked me to "stop the noise and leave the guitars for serious customers." I've been playing for almost ten years. FML

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By speed-dialing dr kevorkian - United States - Two Rivers

Today, my mom came home heavily drunk. As I was taking care of her, she told me all about how I was a mistake. That didn't hurt nearly as much as when she told me she wishes I'd died during her pregnancy. FML

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By MAC - France

Today, like every other day, I turn up at work at the security guard's gate to show my ID badge. Except that my brother had stuck a huge "FBI" sticker on it. My co-workers now all call me Mulder. FML

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By Puppy Loverr - Australia

Today, I was getting a bit intimate with my boyfriend. Just when things were getting interesting, my dog managed to get into my room. He jumped on the bed and my boyfriend spent the next 20 minutes playing with the dog, while I sat next to him, half naked. FML

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By sunny_ca559 - United States

Today, my husband admitted to me that he has a mental block about touching my boobs, because he's afraid that breast milk is going to spurt out at him. I had my son 5 months ago and I don't breast feed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Swartz Creek

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend, and I cheekily told him about something I'd read that's supposed to feel really good during sex. I then heard his sister sarcastically say, "Yeah, that does feel pretty good". Apparently he'd had me on speaker the whole time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Doylestown

Today, my dad stopped me mid-sentence and said he wanted to punch me in the face and set me on fire for using the word "selfie". FML

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By jasmith - United States - Addison

Today, my girlfriend claimed she was a Viking because she's pale and has blond hair. She also warned me that if I piss her off she'll go 'berserk' on me. She demonstrated by smacking me in the nuts with a wooden spoon. FML

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By quitfuckingalready! - 4/9/2020 08:00 - United States

Let me go

Today, my request to move apartments was once again denied. My next door neighbor’s constant marijuana smoke wafts over every day, and the woman upstairs is pregnant with her sixth child. It’s like a herd of elephants living above me. They won’t let me out of my lease unless I pay a huge amount. FML

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By ooh cat - United States - Inglewood

Today, after weeks of sorting, inspecting, and waiting, my high school's yearbooks were distributed. I'd searched carefully for photo errors and was proud to say there were none. That is, until someone told me that a boy on the last page was flipping the camera the bird. FML

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By Kyokushin - United States

Today, I came home from work when I heard people in my apartment. My apartment was supposed to be empty, so I entered ready to fight some thieves. I rushed in and hit the closest person to me before the lights switched on. It was a surprise party. I broke my girlfriend's cheek-bone. FML

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By Drizztreri - United States - Imperial

Today, my mother asked me why her new airsoft gun wasn't working. I explained to her that it doesn't actually shoot air, it requires pellets too. She looked at me like I was too stupid to be her son. FML

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By Tottie - United States

Today, by request from my new boss, I came into work over an hour early to finish some backed-up filing. This seemed like a great opportunity to earn some extra overtime pay. After spending an hour and half filing, I realized I hadn't clocked in for the day. FML

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By nobffs - United States

Today, my sister-in-law asked why I wasn't out partying with my friends to celebrate the new year. My mom then asked "What friends?". Ah, the new year begins. FML

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By Casey - France

Today, I took a test as part of a job requirement. I took a sip from a bottle of juice, and the lady leading the test gave me a warning. I tried to explain that if I didn't, I would faint. She took the bottle and hid it. 15 minutes later I collapsed. She thought I was faking. I'm hypoglycemic. FML

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By Anonymous - Poland - Warsaw

Today, my roommate called me, but she's a cunt so I ignored her. A few hours later, I found out her mom and dad were in a serious car accident and she needed a ride to go see them at the hospital. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that if my son and daughter in law are mad at me, they do it on my furniture. So far, they've done it on the table, my bed, and all the living room couches. FML

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By anon - United States - Washougal

Today, I rear ended a cop while talking on my cell phone. FML

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By Hello - United States

Today, I received the only love letter I've ever gotten. Too bad it's from the guy who's been stalking me. FML

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By notanightowlanymore - United States - Clyde

Today, my grandfather showed up at my house in a panic. He rushed over, with a gun, because I wasn't answering his texts and he thought something had happened to me. I was asleep. FML

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By distressed - Australia

Today, my boyfriend started his first day of work. After saying our goodbyes, I went into our bedroom to get changed, picked up one of my blouses and found a camera, still recording. I guess someone has major trust issues. FML

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By whyme_ss - United States

Today, I got into my boyfriends car having to pee really badly. I accidentally peed everywhere. He kicked me out. I had to walk four miles home in 20 degree weather. In wet clothes. FML

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By sandyhome - United States

Today, I went on a date with a girl. We drove separately and met at the restaurant. Over the course of two hours she drank a gallon and a half of beer, then her boyfriend picked her up because she was too drunk to drive home. FML

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By SayCheese - Canada - Prince George

Today, my older brother walked in on me while I was wearing nothing but a bra, panties, pantyhose, and high heels. I'm his little brother. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Murfreesboro

Today, my pet bunny died. My little sister is distraught and practically suicidal, because apparently she playfully pointed a wand at it a few days ago and said "avada kedavra". She's absolutely convinced that she killed it. FML

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38547

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By Anonymous - United States - Rapid City

Today, my teen son gave me the completed manuscript of the novel he's been working on for 4 years. Surprised and excited that he showed so much dedication to something, I volunteered to read it. I'm only on page 16 and it's absolute drivel, with grammar that makes my eyes bleed. Only 281 pages to go. FML

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New revelation

Today, my Dad sat me down and told me that I was adopted. I was unbelievably shocked by this revelation and asked him why he'd never told me this before. His response was, "I didn't know!" FML

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2219

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By Sexting Parents - United States - Short Hills

Nice view

Today, my dad asked me to send my mom a text since he was driving and I was in the passenger seat. I pulled up my mom's contact on his phone, and I found that my mom had recently sent my dad a picture of her jugs, along with the message, "We miss you." FML

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Top comments

By thecowbellskit | 0

#434 - Saturday 7 February 2009 1:09

i hate when that happens.

By agsilver | 14

#5199931 - Friday 30 November 2012 2:43

Here's a tip, NOONE FUCKING CARES

COMMENTS

By greenman_fml | 0

#119 - Wednesday 4 February 2009 14:22

looks like somebody sleep-shits

GiddyXD | 0

#974444 - Monday 5 April 2010 14:28

yeah lols

KRYPTON1T3 | 5

#2110084 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 6:31

lol. exactly what I thought. hopefully no one lives with you or that would be tough to explain.

By clare_fml | 0

#135 - Wednesday 4 February 2009 17:21

I had a dream about stepping in dog crap last night! fml

agsilver | 14

#5199931 - Friday 30 November 2012 2:43

Here's a tip, NOONE FUCKING CARES

By vfscx0aw6o7jshl | 0

#138 - Wednesday 4 February 2009 17:58

I seriously doubt this is true.

By svsockerguy | 0

#175 - Wednesday 4 February 2009 23:33

good sir, you have just sit on your carpet

By thecowbellskit | 0

#434 - Saturday 7 February 2009 1:09

i hate when that happens.

Emmy_The_Great | 2

#1345232 - Friday 3 September 2010 20:15

LOL 11

ashlyn88 | 0

#3244090 - Tuesday 6 September 2011 4:04

Sameee :/

By LoLoLo_fml | 0

#1768 - Friday 13 February 2009 5:03

Please, please shed some light on this story!!

By alotta_fachina | 0

#5331 - Sunday 22 February 2009 10:49

lol wut

By mirage1 | 0

#16124 - Thursday 5 March 2009 15:14

You've seriously got to give more details here.

By ummmyeahhh | 0

#23843 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 3:44

#16 FTW.

ashlyn88 | 0

#3244098 - Tuesday 6 September 2011 4:06

Agreed

By istaybrutal9 | 0

#32803 - Sunday 15 March 2009 15:36

Were you in the wrong house?