Animals: Today, I got up at 5am, brushed my teeth, shaved and showered...

By RustyBulletHole - United States

Today, I got up at 5am, brushed my teeth, shaved and showered to get ready for work only to step barefoot in a huge pile of dog crap in the middle of my living room floor. I don't own a dog. FML

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Animals

Dangling modifier

There's no helping some people

Sorry…

By Anonymous - United States - Avon

Today, there was an issue with the sewage system at work. It smelled like somebody took a turd, left it in the sun to marinate, threw up on it, then put in the air conditioning to fill the store with nauseating stink. I nearly threw up multiple times because we weren't allowed to leave early. FML

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By 800z - United Kingdom

Today, I biked 15 km to my girlfriend's house in really heavy rain to surprise her. Turns out she's on holiday in Spain, and hadn't bothered to tell me. FML

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By annoyed - United States - North Las Vegas

Today, I finally picked up my new bank card after my old one was stolen. It took the bank six weeks and five separate orders to figure it out, on top of which they've charged me a rush fee. FML

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By Lyingg - United Kingdom

Today, I had a job interview. The only moment I impressed the interviewer was when I talked about drama. He started to talk about a play I hadn't seen, but I decided to agree on everything he was saying. Suddenly he said, "the play doesn't actually exist." I silently left the room. FML

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By Brie - United States

Today, against my wishes, my family and I went swimming with sharks. While in the shark cage, a shark got within a few feet of us. My cowardly bowels objected and caused me to shit myself. FML

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By Harry - United States - Milledgeville

Today, I went to a restaurant with my friend, where my credit card got denied in front of everyone. The staff teased me and made me sit in the restaurant while my friend begged for money outside. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, I ran into my crush of three years ago. We used to always walk our dogs together. He still remembered my dog's name. He didn't remember mine. FML

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By patronuscat?

Meow!

Today, I woke up in a guy's bed to one of his cats licking my nipples. FML

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By -____- - United States - Seattle

Today, my husband yelled from upstairs, "Babe! BABE, COME QUICK!" Terrified that something might have happened to our newborn daughter, I rushed up, only to find out he just wanted to show me that he'd learned how to spin a top on the tip of his penis without it falling. FML

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By ugamayne - United States

Today, I had to X-ray an 81 year old lady. The clothes she was wearing would show up on the X-ray so I had to make her change into a gown. I found out the hard way that 81 year olds still go commando. FML

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By KMilly - United States

Today, I rolled down the windows in my car. When I tried to roll up the passenger side window, it was stuck. Rain was coming so I freaked out and brought it to the dealership to get it fixed. The man pushed the child safety lock button and the entire garage erupted in laughter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up from an amazing dream I was having about my girlfriend. We were laughing and holding hands, the kind of dream I wanted to stay asleep for. When I finally got up, I was excited to tell her about the dream but then I remembered. We broke up a week ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got concussion after a goat ran in front of me while I was jogging. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, the gas company had to be called into work for a possible gas leak. The pipes are fine. I had White Castle for dinner last night. I'm the gas leak. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Mundelein

Today, I went to a concert. One of my favorite bands was performing, and I'd had the ticket for seven months, with a great seat for the show. It was all going perfectly, that is until a guy twice my height sat in front of me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I made a Sim of myself and had her work out until she was completely fit, then got her a job and a husband. Meanwhile, I sat at my desk, fat, single and jobless. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/3/2021 11:01 - United States - Milwaukee

You OK?

Today, while I was working in the drive-through at work, a lady was wearing kitchen oven-mitts and a snorkeling mask instead of gloves and a mask to pick up her prescription. FML

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By can't sleep - United States - Crown Point

Today, my mother taught my 98-year-old great-uncle to knock on the wall if he needs us. He can't remember who we are, but every hour he can remember to knock to ask, "Is it breakfast yet?" FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Jansen

Today, I was talking to a girl online and she stopped talking to me abruptly after seeing my picture. FML

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By jokersgirl

Today, my boyfriend and I had the wildest sex we'd ever had. I was on top of him and started going at it like crazy. I was close to finishing when the Mortal Kombat phrase "FINISH HIM!" popped into my head. It wasn't until I saw a weird look on his face that I realized I'd said it out loud. FML

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By kmtranter - United Kingdom - Wembley

Today, I woke up to find my boyfriend using my hand to wank. FML

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By AnhHung123 - 20/12/2020 16:58

Proper banter

Today, I was on a chat site and a couple of cute guys asked for my "ASL". I had no idea what that meant so I asked one of my cousins. He said it meant "asshole" and that they were calling me an asshole. So I cursed at everyone who was actually asking for my "age, sex and location." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I got on the train with my bike, leaning it up against the wall. After a while, it began to slide down the wall and wobble, so I dashed out to catch it. As I ran for it, I slipped and crashed into it, knocking it into an old man and busting the rear brake. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of my roommate's alarm clock going off at 6:00 in the morning. His bedroom door was locked, and he was passed out in his bed from drinking too much. It rang continuously for five and a half hours before it finally ran out of batteries. FML

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By doomeddaddy - United States

Today, my son learned how to use the toilet for the first time. He was so excited he started peeing on the floor. FML

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By Chels - United States

Today, the ex I still have feelings for made a post on Facebook announcing her two month anniversary with her boyfriend. She broke up with me less than two weeks ago. FML

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By annie - 17/11/2020 00:08 - United States - Denver

Ruined art

Today, while sitting on a bench drawing, some guy went up to me, yelled, “YOUR ART SUCKS” and flipped my sketchpad out of my hands. I’d been working on that piece for hours and now there’s a big black pencil streak on it. FML

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By soembarassed - Vietnam - Ho Chi Minh City

Movie going

Today, a man kept talking and laughing like an idiot all through the movie I was watching. I thought he was high, so I called him a moron and told him to shut the hell up. It turned out he wasn't high. He was just "special". FML

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By Virginia6810

Christmas is canceled

Today, I got an email that my Amazon account was probably hacked, and they have gone ahead and canceled all orders that seemed suspicious. Two days ago I was celebrating that I'd finished Christmas shopping early. Never mind. FML

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By razzmataz - United States

Today, I was discussing my family heritage with my girlfriend's parents. The moment I told them that I came from a German background, her seven-year-old brother pointed at me and yelled, "HITLER!" FML

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By Kerkie - United States - North Kingstown

Today, my 12-year-old stepchild told me he’s been deliberately wetting - and sometimes crapping - the bed because he’s too lazy to get up and knows it’s someone else’s problem to clean up after him. It’s been going on for years. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Calgary

Today, I realized I have erectile dysfunction while drunk, and premature ejaculation while sober. FML

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By Rissa Warrington - Canada

Today, I was walking to the bus in my favorite jeans, and I felt a uncontrollable itch in my leg. I scratched and it went away, but then I felt something moving on my leg. I hadn't worn my jeans in so long that a spider had decided to make it a nest. FML

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By NeedALittleRoomToBreathe

Today, after having set up a date with a wonderful guy who seems to really like me, I caught a cold. I have also lost most of my voice because of it, so I now sound like an angry, deranged goose when I talk. This will be the first time he meets me in person. So much for a good first impression. FML

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By jessica071509 - United States - Phoenix

Today, my new dog unburied my old dog and chewed on his bones. FML

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By Squeak - United States - Fort Bragg

Poor Despereaux

Today, I baked a cake. After feeding it to my entire family, I opened the stove, planning to temporarily store the cake inside. I then noticed a mouse, burnt to a crisp. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that if my son and daughter in law are mad at me, they do it on my furniture. So far, they've done it on the table, my bed, and all the living room couches. FML

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By me - United States

Today, my friend and I were racing on our bicycles, when my chain snapped. I went over the handlebars and slid, on my back, for about ten feet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my bra clasp broke in the middle of a job interview. I got the job on the spot. I'm scared to report into work. FML

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By Titatoum - Belgium - Brussels

Today, I was accused of letting my dog take a shit on the sidewalk and not picking it up. My dog's a chihuahua, and the turd was almost longer than he is. I got fined anyway. FML

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Top comments

By thecowbellskit | 0

#434 - Saturday 7 February 2009 1:09

i hate when that happens.

By agsilver | 14

#5199931 - Friday 30 November 2012 2:43

Here's a tip, NOONE FUCKING CARES

COMMENTS

By greenman_fml | 0

#119 - Wednesday 4 February 2009 14:22

looks like somebody sleep-shits

GiddyXD | 0

#974444 - Monday 5 April 2010 14:28

yeah lols

KRYPTON1T3 | 5

#2110084 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 6:31

lol. exactly what I thought. hopefully no one lives with you or that would be tough to explain.

By clare_fml | 0

#135 - Wednesday 4 February 2009 17:21

I had a dream about stepping in dog crap last night! fml

agsilver | 14

#5199931 - Friday 30 November 2012 2:43

Here's a tip, NOONE FUCKING CARES

By vfscx0aw6o7jshl | 0

#138 - Wednesday 4 February 2009 17:58

I seriously doubt this is true.

By svsockerguy | 0

#175 - Wednesday 4 February 2009 23:33

good sir, you have just sit on your carpet

By thecowbellskit | 0

#434 - Saturday 7 February 2009 1:09

i hate when that happens.

Emmy_The_Great | 2

#1345232 - Friday 3 September 2010 20:15

LOL 11

ashlyn88 | 0

#3244090 - Tuesday 6 September 2011 4:04

Sameee :/

By LoLoLo_fml | 0

#1768 - Friday 13 February 2009 5:03

Please, please shed some light on this story!!

By alotta_fachina | 0

#5331 - Sunday 22 February 2009 10:49

lol wut

By mirage1 | 0

#16124 - Thursday 5 March 2009 15:14

You've seriously got to give more details here.

By ummmyeahhh | 0

#23843 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 3:44

#16 FTW.

ashlyn88 | 0

#3244098 - Tuesday 6 September 2011 4:06

Agreed

By istaybrutal9 | 0

#32803 - Sunday 15 March 2009 15:36

Were you in the wrong house?