Animals: Today, my dog once again desperately tried to yank me straight...

By Anonymous - United States - Brunswick

Today, my dog once again desperately tried to yank me straight into the path of a bus. FML

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Animals

Understandable

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Race against the clock

By jcheer113 - United States

Today, while I was driving, I saw my driving instructor from high school walking on the sidewalk. As I waved to him, I rear-ended the car in front of me. Guess I really showed him how much I learned from him. FML

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By - United States - Modesto

Today, the moment after hitting "confirm payment" for my boyfriend's valentine gift (along with some sexy lingerie for the occasion) on a shopping app, my period tracker app popped up to let me know I'll be well into my period on the 14th. I'm getting cockblocked by mother nature herself. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that, after a year of separation, my ex-wife is pregnant and due in a few months. The divorce became official a few weeks ago and the father is my former best friend. FML

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By Nuttree - United States

Today, I noticed my husband chews his tongue while we are having it off. He also does this while he is playing World of Warcraft. FML

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By PoorCar - United States

Today, I went on a trip to DC. When I got back I found out my car was stolen. Apparently they didn't know how to drive a stick because it was only 4 blocks from my house and the engine was blown. FML

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By wdones97

Today, at my job, I was so tired and aggravated that I accidentally mumbled, "I need a drink." One of the patients I was taking care of heard me and said, "Me too." I work at an addiction rehab facility. FML

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By Ames - United States

Today, after being diagnosed with cat allergies, I explained to my cat-loving boyfriend that the doctor strongly recommended not allowing the cat in the bedroom. At 1:30 am my boyfriend got out of the bed to go sleep in the spare room because: "the cat is sad." FML

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By EvictingItSoon

The miracle of barf

Today, what I thought was food poisoning is actually a baby. FML

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By nacho - United States

Today, my boyfriend met my dad for the first time. The first thing he said to him was, "You're an idiot for dating my daughter." FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2020 02:01

Thanks for the support

Today, I revealed to my parents that I'm planning on opening a food truck in the next few months. They both laughed in my face and said I'll never make any money. I've been working on this for 3 years. FML

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By smellyfeet - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend and I decided it was finally time for both of us to have sex with each other. He kept his shoes on the whole time because he thought he had smelly feet. FML

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By totallyscrewedomg - United States

Today, my parents, not trusting me and my boyfriend, told us to call them in the middle of our movie so they could hear it, and prove we weren't up to no good. Well, I called. Just as a raging sex scene started. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I went to put a lasagna in the oven for dinner. I was greeted by a revolting scent of a chicken-soup and biscuits boxed dinner. The fridge apparently was too full for my brother to put it away inside, so he covered it up and forgot about it in the oven. We made that dinner two weeks ago. FML.

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By MadWorld

Today, it's been six months since my husband and I have miscarried our daughter who we named Hana Grace. My sister just revealed she is having a girl and naming her Hana Grace since "the name is up for grabs now". FML

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By anonymoose - Australia - Adelaide

Today, in the middle of our one year anniversary dinner, my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend showed up declaring her love for him. They left together and I had to take the bus home. FML

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By Black Cat 13 - United States

Today, at work, a little girl was misbehaving. Her dad told her that she would look like me when she grows up. The little girl look horrified while Daddy laughed and kept reassuring her he was "just kidding." FML

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By district12 - United Kingdom

Today, my family started their own version of the Hunger Games. With farts as their ammo, they've been tackling and gassing everyone until their victim "dies" by surrendering. My house is a flatulent war zone, and I fear waking up blind. FML

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By Spooked - United States

Today, I discovered that the demonic voice that made me nearly piss myself all night, was my sister's Furby she stuck in the closet. FML

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By Squinty6 - Canada

Today, my boss lectured me on the evils of alcohol and how it was 'prohibited' during the 1980s. I said nothing because he hates being corrected. FML

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By Socarates - Ireland

Today, I drove over 200km from Dublin to Galway, with a broken window. It rained for most of the journey. FML

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By xero_art - United States

Today, it's my birthday and I received a signed vintage Beatles' album from my wife. Awesome right? It's the same album some jerk way over-bidded me for on eBay. That jerk was my wife, using my credit card. FML

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By chillyinside - Canada

Today, my furnace broke down, almost a month after its twenty year warranty expired. It would have been replaced for free. Now I'm going to have to take out a loan to afford the $4,000 replacement. FML

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By SadAndDeaf

Today, my sister introduced me to her new, deaf boyfriend. She proudly proclaimed that she was trying to learn sign language for his sake, so he wouldn't have to read her lips. I'm also deaf and have been trying to get her to do the same for me for 20 goddamn years. FML

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By tLee - Canada

Today, I was laying in bed making out with a girl. After trying to figure out for a while why she was spending so much time on my neck it finally hit me. She was frantically and secretly trying to remove the gum she got stuck in my hair. She failed. FML

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By Sorry - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, it's my birthday. I've spent most of it apologizing to my parents for the "hassle" of "having" to arrange a simple birthday dinner. Sorry I was born, guys. FML

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By twinkygaymer - 27/6/2020 02:02

Obey!

Today, I got screamed at by a girl because I said I didn’t want to go on a date with her. I’m a gay man. FML

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By uuuuugh - United States

Today, I actually had to have a discussion with my boyfriend about why he should shower more than once a week. FML

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By Me - United States

Today, I had to use the restroom while at work. I had the choice of the stall with a broken lock, or the stall with a huge crack in the partition wall. Not two minutes after I sat down, I noticed someone peeking in. FML

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By SonofMnemosyne - United States

Today, I have been on the toilet all day due to chocolate laxatives from trick-or-treating. Today, it is my birthday. FML

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By Mightaswelltutordogs - United States - Gainesville

Today, I had to find simple words to explain to the idiot I was tutoring that "1/4" is not of a greater value than "1/3" just because the denominator is bigger. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to my grandmother's house to pick up her cat for the vet. She forgot who I was and sprayed me in the face with pepper spray. FML

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By annonn - Brunei Darussalam - Bandar Seri Begawan

Today, I found out that people know when you're screenshooting their snaps on Snapchat, by the guy I have a crush on, asking me why I keep doing it. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, I was hanging out with some disabled people at the day-centre where I work. We had the music blasting and were laughing and dancing around. My boss took me aside and said that it wasn't really appropriate for me to mock the clients by imitating their dancing. That's just how I dance. FML

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By d - United States

Today, when I was trying to break up with my boyfriend, I told him how I needed space and time to think. His response was, "Ok, we're out of condoms anyway." FML

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By Archie - United States

Today, my friends decided it would be funny to engage the child locks on the rear doors of my SUV. My SUV has a bolted cage for the dog separating the front from the back. Guess who was locked in their own car for 2 hours? FML

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By milkysubstance - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I went to the doctor's to find out why I was producing small amounts of milky liquid from my nipples, even though I'm not pregnant. When she asked me to show her, I squirted on her shirt. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I let my 9-year-old daughter use my tablet while I made her dinner. A few minutes later, she let out a blood-curdling scream. Turned out she'd searched for My Little Pony pictures and stumbled upon a drawing of Rainbow Dash giving another pony a blowjob. FML

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By unwanted - Canada

Named and shamed

Today, I discovered that my cool, unique first name translates to "unwanted" in Hindi. Both my parents studied abroad in India for five years. FML

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By thisrllysucks - United States

Today, I was going to ask this girl I love to homecoming. I set up a scavenger hunt, and my friend led her through it. At the end of the scavenger hunt I had a note that said, "Homecoming?" She said yes and hugged my friend. When I told her it was me who was asking, she laughed and said no. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - West Chester

Today, my mother found my escaped pet snake after she had already washed and dried it with the laundry. FML

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Top comments

By djdeadly | 14

#6518409 - Sunday 24 January 2016 6:43

Are you sure it's not a cat you have? They're the ones that try to kill you

By Black_Ink | 20

#6518399 - Sunday 24 January 2016 6:41

"Man's best friend"

COMMENTS

By puppie406 | 23

#6518385 - Sunday 24 January 2016 6:39

Your dog wants you dead. It's plotting revenge for that one time you fed it crappy dog food.

noah_1234 | 24

#6518837 - Sunday 24 January 2016 20:24

Or maybe its feeling suicidal

thefaekitten | 29

#6519159 - Monday 25 January 2016 5:37

More like homicidal.

gobiteme2 | 34

#6519993 - Tuesday 26 January 2016 5:29

Your dog thought it made a suicidal pact with you, guess it's telepathic powers were on the low side again.

By jeffprobs | 20

#6518386 - Sunday 24 January 2016 6:39

Im sure he just wanted to chase the bus at all cost, even if that cost happens to be you

By bananajoe666 | 8

#6518387 - Sunday 24 January 2016 6:39

talk about throwing a friend under the bus.....

By AndrasteNyx | 18

#6518388 - Sunday 24 January 2016 6:39

That's ruff, buddy.

By 914smv | 18

#6518389 - Sunday 24 January 2016 6:39

dogs!! I have a little daredevil as well!

By EmeraldArcher | 10

#6518390 - Sunday 24 January 2016 6:39

Would it be safe to consider it a bitch? >:)

By THEDUDE1553566 | 24

#6518393 - Sunday 24 January 2016 6:40

Maybe it's suicidal

By pjsr | 32

#6518397 - Sunday 24 January 2016 6:41

Not all dogs go to heaven

By Black_Ink | 20

#6518399 - Sunday 24 January 2016 6:41

"Man's best friend"

By tatertotx3 | 16

#6518400 - Sunday 24 January 2016 6:41

Is your dog Cujo?