Animals: Today, my dog played dead just so I would leave him alone. FML - FML

By Crystal_Nicole - 14/12/2013 05:05 - United States - Wichita

Today, my dog played dead just so I would leave him alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 465

You deserved it 7 015

Triage

Creepy roommates #56

Bored

By psychic parents, how do they work? :( - 31/07/2013 22:49 - United States - Effingham

Today, I went to my dad, hoping to confess something to him. He quickly said that if I'd got my girlfriend pregnant, he'd kill me. That's exactly what happened. I had to make up a lie instead about stealing $50 from his wallet once as a kid, which he then demanded I pay back in full. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 665

You deserved it 47 393

By Anonymous - 26/10/2012 07:23 - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, I went out to a restaurant with a girl I have been dating. The only conversation was about how proud she was of her fart during work earlier, and how she managed to clear out a section of the office. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 813

You deserved it 3 211

Jump

By Petitprof - 12/11/2010 18:23 - France

Today, someone in my class wrote, "Erase me if you can!" at the very top of the board, as I'm always tormented about how short I am compared to everyone else. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't reach it. I'm the teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 226

You deserved it 5 326

Heatwave

By Anonymous - 02/08/2021 06:01 - Germany - Ebersbach

Today, it appears I’m allergic. My stomach inflates like a soccer ball and produces terrible gas, and I really don’t feel so good in general. What am I allergic to? Summertime. Every year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 731

You deserved it 72

Stalker vibes

By Anonymous - 06/02/2021 02:01

Today, my ex-girlfriend got some new piercings and decided to show me. They are the exact same piercings that the girl I'm currently seeing has. I'm starting to think she's still keeping tabs on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 826

You deserved it 142

Stay indoors, make new friends!

By janmesh - 06/11/2020 11:01 - Germany - Köln

Today, i found myself talking to the rat living under my wardrobe as if he was my friend. It's only day 2 of the partial lockdown in Germany. FML

I agree, your life sucks 748

You deserved it 148

By Anonymous - 05/09/2011 10:59 - United Kingdom

Today, I overheard my parents planning on how to get me to move out of the house. It's my house. They only came to visit and forgot to leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 802

You deserved it 3 183

Stomach bug?

By Heather Scurfield - 21/03/2021 10:59

Today, I was going to be sick, so I ran to the bathroom. When I got there, I fainted, and fell back against the wall. When I came around, I immediately vomited all down my body, in my hair, and all over the floor. My cat judged me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 932

You deserved it 93

By anon - 02/05/2011 10:58 - United States

Today, I found out that the weird lump on my eye is benign. That would be great news but they aren't going to treat it at all. Now I look like I'm high all the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 574

You deserved it 2 893

By Anonymous - 03/11/2013 18:56 - United States - Roanoke

Today, my mom found a new fad, and now styles herself as some kind of modern druid. Normally I'd just roll my eyes and deal with it, except she's forced the entire family to go vegetarian, threatening harsh punishments if we refuse to stop "poisoning" our bodies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 904

You deserved it 3 403

By SecondBest,IGuess - 30/04/2013 17:35 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend was watching TV, when we started getting frisky. I'd just started to give him a blowjob when he pushed me off and said, "Fun's over." Dragon Ball Z had just come back on. He's 21. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 384

You deserved it 16 393

Impossible

By Anonymous - 06/06/2011 14:18

Today, I ran into an old high school friend while out with my husband. When she inquired who I was married to, I pointed to my husband, who was looking at shirts. She laughed and said, "No really?", insinuating that I couldn't get anyone that good looking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 128

You deserved it 4 110

By verycre8tive - 21/05/2009 07:31 - Romania

Today, after a few drinks my dad decided to tell me the story of how I was born. He wanted a baby girl after my brother, and mum didn't want any more children. So he tricked her by giving her the wrong pill. That should explain a lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 534

You deserved it 2 713

By Anonymous - 30/06/2015 07:51 - United States - Rochester

Today, the man that I have a crush on finally touched me. This would have been great, if not for the fact that it was to roll me on my side while I was having a seizure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 334

You deserved it 1 872

Better safe

By stretchy - 06/05/2013 19:58 - United States - Bethesda

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend forced me to do stretching exercises with him before and after sex as a "safety precaution". FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 527

You deserved it 9 307

Crossed Wires

By Anonymous - 01/03/2020 15:00

Today, while on Grindr, I saw that this guy I'm friends with and have liked for a while now had messaged me. I got all excited, just for it to be a picture of him flipping me off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 392

You deserved it 196

By 181999 - 14/09/2013 20:47 - United States - Essex Junction

Today, I went to my boyfriend's apartment for the first time, only to see another girl walking out. I accused her of cheating with him and we got into a fight. Turns out I was at the wrong apartment. He lives next door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 420

You deserved it 54 116

By TurtleTeacher - 14/10/2011 06:09 - United States

Today, my students took my glasses, hid them from me, and called me a turtle when I squinted my eyes trying to look for them. This carried on for about 25 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 835

You deserved it 4 038

Did you get your shots?

By It_gets_better - 02/12/2021 04:59

Today, my 75 year-old grandparents, who stubbornly refuse to be vaccinated, asked me to pick up their meds after they got COVID. I left work early to avoid the pharmacy line. After dropping them off, their pharmacy called: they didn't give me all of the meds, so I had to go back and wait another two hours in line. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 099

You deserved it 207

Rage Quit

By Redsnation - 08/08/2017 05:02

Today, my older brother said that if he beat me in a game of NBA 2k17, he would get to keep my PS4. I beat him so badly that he got angry and destroyed my PlayStation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 666

You deserved it 502

By Makusu420 - 03/12/2015 00:44 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my dad sent me $200 by mail, only to mail it to the wrong person. So now some random person is getting $200 from my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 535

You deserved it 1 561

Doo doo doodoodoo doo doo

By fuck your music - 16/07/2019 07:30 - United States - Hesperia

Today, I finally got tired of my neighbors constantly blaring their obnoxious rap music all hours of the day and night. Trying to be funny, I put Baby Shark on a loop and turned my speakers all the way up. They called the cops on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 812

You deserved it 522

By Anonymous - 02/01/2013 19:02 - Canada - Belle River

Spicy

Today, at a house party, I finally got the guy I've been seeing alone in his room. We started making out, and I got on top of him to take control. He responded by saying he couldn't do it because he needed to go make pizza for his friends, and then bolted out of the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 857

You deserved it 9 829

Noise annoys

By Anonymous - 30/11/2021 02:58 - Philippines - Roxas

Today, after studying for an exam, I decided to take a short nap. Just then, our neighbors, who were a couple, argued like crazy about some dumb thing the guy did. I didn't get to rest at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 727

You deserved it 95

By Deadpool - 16/07/2019 21:11 - United States - Weaverville

Today, it appears that the cousin who burglarized my house and threatened to kill my wife, daughter and I during a meth binge is more welcome at a family reunion than we are. We were assured last year by family that this wouldn't happen, because we are "good people who have wronged no one." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 124

You deserved it 170

By elisimo - 24/01/2012 08:50 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were watching a movie and eating a burger. Feeling frisky, I sat up and took off my shirt. He looked at my chest, at his burger, then back at me and said, "Give me a minute, I don't want my food to get cold." FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 515

You deserved it 35 691

By loser - 10/12/2018 14:00

Today I bought the Gold edition to a game for $90. I expected to be very good only to realize it was the same as the previous installment. I went to check the refund policy and it said that I had to have played less than 2 hours, I had 121 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 482

You deserved it 950

By Anonymous - 13/02/2015 16:36 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, my "best friend" stole almost $1,000 worth of electronics and video games from my roommates and me, just so he could pawn them off and buy himself a new car stereo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 587

You deserved it 3 214

By ninnang - 09/07/2014 21:37 - United States - Honolulu

Today, my boss delivered some flowers and a sympathy card signed by everyone in the office to my cubicle. The card said, "Sorry your mom died". My mom isn't dead. I don't know where they got the idea from and no one believes me. They said that denial is part of grieving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 977

You deserved it 3 494

By Nebraskawreck - 22/11/2018 13:30

Today, my husband left our untrained puppy out of its kennel when he left for work. I got home and all of the baby books my parents just bought for us that were on the coffee table in a backpack were completely destroyed, along with the bag and parts of our wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 559

You deserved it 367

But mah grandbabiiiiiiiiez

By Anonymous - 20/10/2021 02:00

Today, my mother found out that my fiancée broke up with her last boyfriend because she didn't want kids and he did. She's now demanding that I either change her mind, or call things off with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 815

You deserved it 104

By itsellie27 - 30/08/2013 14:44 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boyfriend told me that he would leave me if I didn't seek help for my eating disorder. The eating disorder in question? Vegetarianism. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 855

You deserved it 20 558

By thinkimquitting - 25/06/2012 21:49 - Australia - Yarraville

Today, my boss grabbed my arm, raised it above my head, closed my other hand into a fist, and pushed it into his armpit. After staring at me for several seconds, he winked and left without saying a word. This isn't the weirdest thing he's done, and I'm actually starting to fear for my safety. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 944

You deserved it 2 560

By Anonymous - 01/08/2014 18:27 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Spicy

Today, I found out that my wife of 12 years has slept with the workmen we've had working on our long term building project. They call her the "quickie queen". FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 932

You deserved it 4 883

By microtech - 13/12/2011 17:33 - United States

Today, at the microbiology lab, I discovered that the guy who took the shift before me didn't sterilize the work space very well. I am now blowing chunks from both ends from a very nasty strain of E. Coli. My company blames me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 561

You deserved it 3 334

By what the fuck - 25/08/2013 19:28 - Malaysia - Petaling Jaya

Today, a customer spent ages bitching me out, because he refused to believe he needed to upgrade his computer, which still runs Windows 98, in order to install a modern game for his grandson. He ended up calling my manager and trying to get me fired for scamming him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 324

You deserved it 2 707

By lonely_island - 28/04/2014 21:27 - Canada - Saint Albert

Today, I finally worked up the guts to add the guy I like on Facebook. To make it less obvious, I added 15 other people as well. Everyone added me back, except him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 272

You deserved it 7 699

By person123abc - 09/12/2010 05:35 - United States

Today, I sat in my room on the computer instead of attending the party of the year. I got kicked out because I wasn't invited. The party was in my back yard, hosted by my brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 296

You deserved it 4 119

By Sara - 25/02/2016 07:39 - Vietnam - Hanoi

Today, I paid $50 to go to a war museum. It was so boring that I fell asleep standing up, lost my balance and faceplanted the floor right in front of our tour guide. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 177

You deserved it 5 734

By Godfree - 25/02/2009 06:19 - United States

Today, I was walking to a meeting and saw two girls trying to jump start a car in the rain. Thinking I'd be a gentleman and help them, I offered to assist. The girl whose car is broken down looks at me, looks at her friend, and says, "I think we'd better call the police." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 792

You deserved it 3 213

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Saturday 14 December 2013 12:06

It's the exact opposite with my dog and his damn ball! I'm the one playing dead so he'll leave me alone!

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Saturday 14 December 2013 12:14

Don't terrier self up about it, it's pawsible that your dog was just having a ruff day.

Comments

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Saturday 14 December 2013 12:06

It's the exact opposite with my dog and his damn ball! I'm the one playing dead so he'll leave me alone!

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Saturday 14 December 2013 12:45

What if you play dead and he starts eating you???

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Saturday 14 December 2013 12:51

It's a dog eat dog world out there. *Hears groans*

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Saturday 14 December 2013 14:57

ba dum tis

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Saturday 14 December 2013 15:15

Sounds like #1 and OP should trade dogs haha

RedPillSucks 31

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Saturday 14 December 2013 15:48

You've got one of those dogs too? Our dogs need to get together. He's got the doggy version of OCD when fetching tennis balls

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Saturday 14 December 2013 12:07

Haha awesome. Leave the poor dog alone.

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Sunday 15 December 2013 1:11

Hahaha I would to have this dog

BFons 19

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Saturday 14 December 2013 12:08

Does it complain when you keep it up, or play the tv to loud? I've met dogs who do that.

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Saturday 14 December 2013 12:11

I imagined it like this xD: Human: C'mon doggie, fetch it. Dog: Fuck off mate, tryin' to be dead here.

underthesea12 24

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Saturday 14 December 2013 12:12

your poor dog

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Sunday 15 December 2013 0:41

OP needs another hobby!!

fucMyLifeSoHard 18

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Sunday 15 December 2013 4:45

44- Like a cat!

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Saturday 14 December 2013 12:14

Don't terrier self up about it, it's pawsible that your dog was just having a ruff day.

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Saturday 14 December 2013 18:55

A round of appaws for you, sir.

DrinkBleachFatty 6

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Friday 9 September 2016 20:16

Lol

xnxck 8

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Saturday 14 December 2013 12:15

You could say he/she was being a bitch.

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Saturday 14 December 2013 13:15

That was painful to read

150493x 29

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Saturday 14 December 2013 19:28

Thanks for clarifying that for me.

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Saturday 14 December 2013 12:18

That's kinda how I do it when I want my parents to leave me alone at times. Except I don't play dead. I'm exhausted. I'm sleeping. Finals week is a bitch. :(

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Saturday 14 December 2013 15:11

Just drink your apple juice and crackers before every test

TheOnlyMizLiv 22

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Saturday 14 December 2013 19:31

Drink your crackers?! Eeeewwww.

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Saturday 14 December 2013 21:06

Welp, there's a blender for that ;p

oj101 33

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Saturday 14 December 2013 12:24

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

KatieMajestic 17

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Saturday 14 December 2013 13:01

Um, what?

oj101 33

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Saturday 14 December 2013 14:34

#14 - look up the meme - "yes, this is dog". It implies that dogs love unconditionally and are naive, but I was playing off it by making OP's dog unbothered about it.

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Saturday 14 December 2013 12:44

Does your girlfriend also play dead?

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Saturday 14 December 2013 12:52

But I bet she rolls over once he brings the leash out.

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 15

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38

You deserved it 19

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out my husband has to take Viagra to get it up with me. He never needed it with his ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 497

You deserved it 137

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 791

You deserved it 236