Intimacy: Today, cops showed up at my apartment demanding to look inside.... - FML

By Obee - Canada

Today, cops showed up at my apartment demanding to look inside. Satisfied with the search, they told me they had received a noise complaint. More specifically, hearing screams someone believed a girl was getting raped. I had two friends over and we had been wrestling. The three of us are male. FML

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Vulture

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Catching up

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Newtownards

Today, I fell down a flight of stairs at college. I was taken to hospital with a fractured ankle and had to call my parents to drive me home. They constantly made passive-aggressive remarks on the way home, because I'd "totally ruined" their plans to eat out at a fancy restaurant tonight. FML

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By NotRussian - United States

Today, I had a blind date with a really cute guy. Just when I was about to invite him back to my place for a nightcap, he took out a catalog of Russian mail-order brides and asked for my help in picking out the best one. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn't follow her latest fad of becoming a goth, which involves dressing like an undertaker's haunted hearse and putting on eyeliner. Last week she was into Reggae and beanie hats. FML

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By john doe - United States - Portland

Today, my 6-year-old daughter got mad at me for not buying her yet another expensive doll. I had to pull her away, and she started screaming for help. The next thing I know, another shopper puts me in a chokehold and calls for security, all while my daughter smirks. FML

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By foreveralonecatlady - United States

Today, I was bombarded with pictures of my little sister's Christmas present. It was a huge engagement ring. I got broken up with in public on Christmas eve. FML

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By ThatGirl - United States

Today, an idiot decided it would be fun to light up a firecracker in front of our house. It ended with firetrucks, a black yard, and yet somehow the weeds survived. FML

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By tyrettes

Today, I started a new yard maintenance job. Before the day had even ended, I got fired, because I apparently didn’t have enough experience, and I moved too slowly. It was supposed to be my training day. FML

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By becca1417 - United States

Today, I was at the mall in a store looking at movie posters. I turned around and suddenly saw a creepy guy smiling at me, holding his arms out wide. I screamed "holy shit!" really loudly, causing everyone to stop and stare at me funny. Then I realized the creepy man was a cardboard cutout. FML

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By DrunkenShopper - United States - Kirkland

Today, I woke up to a bunch of email notifications confirming all the drunken purchases I made last night on Amazon. Most of them can't be cancelled. This is the fourth time in a month. An "ironic" wolf-howling-at-the-moon t-shirt anyone? FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried shaving my bikini area for the first time. I ended up cutting myself several times. I now have impressive razor burn, and it's incredibly painful to even wear pants. FML

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By Bambi113 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, my "friends" and I were supposed to go out to eat to celebrate finishing the last day of school, but with a full day of work first, I decided to go buy them donuts. They decided to ditch me while I was gone, and go early. FML

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By ccrex

Today, I put my phone on top the car while putting my daughter in her car seat. Told myself not to forget it. Then I drove away, and it flew off the top of the car on the freeway. It got ran over. FML

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By firstdate - United States

Today, I was on my first date with my crush. When I saw her, I greeted her with, "Hey, sweetheart." She's convinced I said, "Hey, retard." FML

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By katta2009 - United States

Today, my grandmother died. No one called me to let me know she passed. I found out because people kept writing RIP on her Facebook wall. My siblings and I weren't even mentioned in her obituary with the other grandchildren, but they did remember to mention her dog. FML

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By arrow

Today, my math teacher decided to give everyone in the class candy. He skipped me, and when another student pointed it out, his response was "I don’t like her." FML

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By hannahj88 - Australia

Today, while working at the bakery, I slipped on a pen. I dropped the pie rack I was holding full of pies right on my face. I now have a burn mark on my cheek that looks like a swastika. FML

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By jlol - United States

Today, my teacher reached over to hand me a paper. I thought it would be funny to flinch and say, "Dad, please don't hit me". Unfortunately, he didn't think it was a joke, so I got questioned by the on-campus officer. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Montreal

On the down low

Today, at work, my buddy pulled up in his car. I handed him $40, and he handed me a bag. It must have looked like a drug deal, but he was actually just smuggling in the new Pokémon game for me. I'm 22, and a drug deal would probably have been less embarrassing to explain. FML

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By serverdessert - United States

Today, at the restaurant where I work, I served a table of 4 middle-age women. Before greeting the table, I was deciding between saying "Can I get you anything to drink?" and "Can I start you off with something?" My actual greeting? "Can I get you ladies off?" FML

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By papersofdivorce - Peru - Lima

Today, thanks to our computer's browser history, I found out that my wife has been searching for local therapists who deal with cases of severe sex addiction. We've only had sex twice since we got married four months ago. FML

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By pathetic - Canada

Today, while getting ready for work I realized all my pants were getting a bit tight. When I got home from work I went in to the bathroom and stood on the scale which confirmed I have gained a few pounds. I then realized that I was eating while standing on the scale. FML

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By dumped - United States

You tried

Today, I was in the shower and I heard my boyfriend walk in. I struck my sexiest pose and when he came in, he looked me up and down and told me, "You look like my mother." Thanks. FML

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By no tea parties here, gran - United States

Today, my racist, homophobic, generally degenerate grandmother visited. Within 20 minutes, she uttered multiple racial slurs, said Robert Downey Jr. will burn in hell for playing a black man in one of his movies, and yelled that she'd "whip the piss" out of me, after I asked her to leave. FML

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By ugh - United States

Today, after a month of living in a pigsty of an apartment with my roommates, I spent the day cleaning the place out. When everyone returned home, instead of thanking me, all they could do was point out the spots I'd missed. FML

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By waitthatsnotme - United States

Today, after dating my girlfriend for about a month she decided to change her Facebook status to taken. When I saw the update I immediately clicked "Like." Then I looked up and saw I wasn't the person she had put herself in the relationship with. FML

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By inpain - United States

Today, I learned that my hairdo must resemble a rat. I found out when a hawk swooped down and dug its claws into my head while I was sunbathing. FML

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By my honest father - United States - Kansas City

Today, while having a serious talk with my father, he said, "Son, you're only alive because of a faulty, off-brand condom." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I received a late Christmas present from my estranged father. I was really excited, having neither seen nor heard from him in nearly two years. It was a $200 gift card for a store that only exists in Canada. I don't live in Canada. Not even close. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I bought a new pack of "feminine wipes" on my way over to my boyfriend's house after a long day of work. He saw them in my purse and sweetly told me I shouldn't be so self conscious. Later on, when he was going down on me, he said, "I take back what I said earlier." FML

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By Losamus

Nice first impression.

Today, I didn't know I had a pill stuck in my throat until I coughed and it flew across the table, narrowly missing the weird guy sitting across from me in the break room. Turns out that weird guy is my new supervisor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Salem

Today, my brother got upset at his video game and flung his DS at the wall, just as I was walking by. I got knocked out to the sound of someone crossing the finish line in MarioKart. FML

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By Liz0352 - United States - Bainbridge Island

Today, my youngest son's teacher surprised me with a box of diapers. Apparently my son told her I was pregnant, but I'm not. I had to explain to her I'm just fat. She apologized and felt awful, and told me to keep the diapers. My children are 5 and 7. FML

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By birthdaygirl - United States - San Francisco

Today, it's my birthday. The only people who wished me a happy birthday were the ones who saw the "birthday boy" poster my sister plastered around school, which included a photo of me as a kid dressed up as a girl. FML

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By lostforlife - United States - Camden

Today, I asked my teenage daughter to read off directions from my iPhone while I drove. She went on Instagram instead. We missed the turn by 32 miles. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house, in the bathroom. I noticed a pregnancy test in the trash can. He lives alone. FML

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By JackSoda

Dad Jokes, part 36646

Today, my dad brought the double barrel shotgun to my room, gave me his hat and said, "It's all about survival now. At any cost, Coral." He keeps calling me Coral. FML

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By allergyface - Canada

Today, I was talking to my parents, when all of a sudden my dad starts freaking out and asking my mom how I got this really bad allergy on my face. My mom just laughed, and then I had to explain to him that it was just my acne. The worst part is, he was dead serious the whole time. FML

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By maddy - United States

Today, I had pancakes for breakfast, and without realizing it, I got syrup in my hair. After breakfast, I went to straighten my hair, only to burn the syrup and have it get stuck in my hair. There was no time to shower and it smelled. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I went over to my uncle's house for dinner and my stomach hurt really bad. I noticed there were two toilets and sat in the prettier one and took a huge dump. Turns out I'd chosen the brand new toilet that wasn't connected to anything yet. FML

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By 1D-107 - United States - Logan

Today, I was babysitting three kids, one of whom was particularly difficult to control. While trying to get him to behave, the two girls came up behind me and pulled my pants down. In front of a huge window open to the street below. FML

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Top comments

By kristenlee | 3

#110737 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 20:06

I don't think you were just wrestling...

By SKYblue_fml | 1

#110730 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 20:04

Well, at least they knew that there wasn't a girl involved...

COMMENTS

By SKYblue_fml | 1

#110730 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 20:04

Well, at least they knew that there wasn't a girl involved...

Reply

Darraghscoot | 0

#974874 - Tuesday 6 April 2010 2:25

im surprised they didnt just arrest you for suspicion of a homosexual act :/.

Reply

Br8y16 | 0

#991221 - Wednesday 12 May 2010 8:31

gay

Reply

clairesucks | 37

#6278717 - Friday 1 May 2015 11:44

What's wrong with homosexuality?

By Trix_Disorder | 20

#110734 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 20:05

Sounds like a problem of yours, not theirs. ;D

By kristenlee | 3

#110737 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 20:06

I don't think you were just wrestling...

Reply

kEnNy172 | 0

#1117408 - Wednesday 21 July 2010 3:42

fuck you whore

Reply

GAINEYJR | 0

#2418553 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 22:00

Win

By Drode | 0

#110757 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 20:10

lol I wonder what the police thought you'd been doing once they realized there was no girl there.

By ttonks007 | 0

#110761 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 20:12

heh, this sounds like it should be an FOL: F Our Lives.

By jam26 | 0

#110792 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 20:21

hmm...3 guys wrestling that sounded like a girl getting raped... I agree with #3

By ohhhhshizzz | 0

#110798 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 20:24

#6: You aren't funny.

Bwahah, yeahh I agree with #'s 3 & 7.

I'd love to know what you were doing.
Seriously now.
Pahah.

By Majormaxo | 0

#110803 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 20:26

I think it is time you reviewed your civil rights. The police had no right to search your house unless you were under arrest or something illegal was in plain view.

By Osakhomen | 0

#110809 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 20:27

Mhmm, wrestling.. lol

By Yamamarro | 0

#110810 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 20:27

.......HAHAHAHAHA