Health: Today, my doctor finally prescribed me some medication for my...

By Anonymous - 09/12/2012 20:03 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my doctor finally prescribed me some medication for my arthritis. The cap was insanely well-secured, and my hands were too racked with pain to get it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 269

You deserved it 1 846

Health

Triage

The smell detective is on the case

Modern student life sucks

By ImprovTeacher - 16/06/2019 14:05

Today, I was teaching a small group of improv students. I asked one guy to do a monologue, and laughed to myself while he did so. I said, "Sorry, I'm just laughing at the way you're doing it." He then got upset and pointed out that he had a speech impediment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 671

You deserved it 2 271

By lovekills99 - 19/01/2009 17:59 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend's mother told me she had fantasies about throwing him out a window when he was a baby because she was so depressed and couldn't handle the stress. The worst part is he wants to get married. She'd be my mother-in-law. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 609

You deserved it 4 243

By wtfjusthappened - 24/01/2009 03:27 - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend from two years ago called and asked to come over. Still being in love with him, I agreed to see him but decided I wasn't drunk enough to handle the stress. After a while of drinking, he said that he really missed me and wanted to be with me. My reply consisted of throwing up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 680

You deserved it 31 709

By dane - 29/06/2010 18:07 - United States

Today, I bought a used car from a friend of mine. After getting the car home and further inspecting it, I found one of my wife's earrings in the backseat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 411

You deserved it 4 548

By anna - 31/10/2013 18:27 - United States - Hattiesburg

Today, I had to take my 15-year-old son to the hospital. He'd gone out dressed as some My Little Pony character and encountered someone who'd had the same idea. They then got into a fistfight, and my son got the shit beaten out of him. I wish I'd never bred. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 304

You deserved it 9 705

By TheDrugsAreStrongWithThisOne - 20/07/2015 08:21 - United States

Today, a customer wanted corporate's number because we aren't allowed to sell pies after midnight. After a drug-fuelled cuss-storm, she punched me in the face through the open window and peeled out of drive-thru like a bat out of hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 840

You deserved it 1 932

By (not) fucked - 16/05/2014 16:01 - United States - Kingsville

Today, my girlfriend decided that we won't be having any more sex until I beat her ridiculously high score on Flappy Bird. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 617

You deserved it 8 221

By buttfingers - 26/12/2015 17:37 - United States - Houston

Today, I accidentally edged over the speed limit and got pulled over. The officer asked me if I knew why he'd pulled me over. Before I could say something diplomatic, my dad said from the passenger seat: "Because you're a prick in fancy dress?" I got ticketed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 051

You deserved it 2 218

By actionboy116 - 21/07/2015 06:05 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, while working as a cart attendant, I found one of my coworkers on a lawn chair sipping on a Bud light in the parking lot, while we both were supposed to be working, leaving me to push carts by myself. My boss comes out to me catching my breath and tells me to work harder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 386

You deserved it 1 958

By str3tch - 03/04/2009 20:48 - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time over dinner. In order to make a good impression I was as polite as possible and tried to be as engaging as I could. Near the end of dinner my girlfriend's mom says, "I liked your old boyfriend better." FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 764

You deserved it 3 368

By Wendizzle - 27/01/2012 05:35 - United States

Today, I had to work late. I missed the last bus so I called a cab. That was 3 hours ago. I called my dad for a ride. That was 2 hours ago. I guess I'm sleeping under my desk tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 924

You deserved it 2 758

By Charles - 18/05/2011 17:13 - Norway

Today, I finally found out who has been hacking my email account to send dirty messages to my teacher. My dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 999

You deserved it 3 899

By lonely girl - 02/07/2013 06:47 - United States - Oregon City

Today, I got angry after not being able to have an orgasm. What was I angry at? My own hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 286

You deserved it 22 762

By Kayt - 03/10/2011 04:38 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me for the first time. He stopped just as I was about to orgasm, and asked if I could finish by myself. Apparently he'd come up with a new algorithm for the Rubik's Cube on my desk and wanted to try it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 337

You deserved it 4 633

By good-samaritan-fail - 06/10/2009 15:56 - Australia

Today, I was at a music festival when a group of idiots decided to push over a port-a-loo (portable toilet). I rushed over and tried to hold it up to save the person inside from a very messy and embarrasing scene. Not only did the door open, covering me in excrement, but there was no-one inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 098

You deserved it 9 405

By Kelli - 28/08/2010 04:56 - United States

Today, I was taking care of a friend's hamster. Thinking the hamster wanted to make a bed, I put some cotton balls in his cage so he would be comfy. He promptly ate them and died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 141

You deserved it 42 129

By daddy's girl - 22/01/2013 04:08 - United States - Springfield

Today, I had to drag my grandmother out of a store because she went up to a black family and started apologizing for slavery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 599

You deserved it 3 098

By virginmary - 02/03/2010 12:38 - Reserved

Today, I was making out like a sixteen year old at the high school prom with this guy I kinda liked. All of a sudden, he rolls away and tells me he's "finished." We both had our clothes on the entire time. He is 23, I'm 25. I didn't know that was possible. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 313

You deserved it 3 832

By Bliggins - 28/11/2012 03:08 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, someone very close to me came out of the closet. Normally I would fully support them, had we not just gotten married. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 901

You deserved it 2 942

By LostSleep - 24/05/2016 21:54 - United Kingdom

Today, I was woken at 4 a.m. by the sounds of someone crashing down the stairs. I scrambled out, still half-asleep, to find out that nobody was in an agonized heap at the bottom. The walls are so thin in my house that I could hear the neighbour falling down HIS stairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 695

You deserved it 775

By Anonymous - 06/06/2013 18:47 - Isle of Man - Douglas

Today, my little sister was scared to sleep alone, so my parents made her sleep in bed with me. I barely slept, due to the utter terror of waking up to her chanting into my ear in a low whisper, "This is where you die, this is where you die..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 268

You deserved it 3 864

Eye-bleach please

By Anonymous - 27/04/2020 14:00

Today, I have been having to work in a residence of people with disabilities when I normally do community work with disabled people and usually enjoy it. I have seen not one, but two elderly mens' genitals today when my actual job would never require me to see any. I didn’t sign up for this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 417

You deserved it 262

By Anonymous - 28/03/2012 16:25 - United States - Fort Worth

Today, one of my nostrils became completely blocked. At lunch time, I went out to my car to dig into my nose. When I finished, I held up the cornflake sized booger in victory. I noticed too late that my boss was in a car adjacent to me, shooting me a horrified look. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 068

You deserved it 30 039

By Anonymous - 13/02/2016 01:07 - United States - Roxboro

Today, I accidentally dropped my birth control pill. My cat ate it before I could pick it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 285

You deserved it 2 769

By John - 20/07/2011 16:38 - United States

Today, already knowing that my girlfriend wanted to be "just friends", I invited her over, hoping to change her mind. She was playfully drawing on me with a pen when I noticed she'd written "Emily's property" on my leg. I said "Aw, I'm yours?" She then drew a for-sale sign on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 599

You deserved it 12 029

By ericane27 - 27/12/2011 19:53 - United States

Today, I woke up to someone screaming "FIRE!" When I sat up, my face went right into my room-mate's ballsack. Apparently it was funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 300

You deserved it 5 842

By porn daddy - 21/06/2017 00:00

Today, my drunk dad went off on a tangent about his porn watching habits to the whole family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 960

You deserved it 431

By atmac95 - 27/02/2010 21:28 - United States

Today, I am expected to write an 8 page essay, due tonight. The reason why I don't even have one page yet? My mom decided to take away the only computer I have the essay saved on because I have an 'F' in English. The essay is for English. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 888

You deserved it 7 620

By i_am_forever - 06/01/2015 01:59 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my daughter was putting clothes in the drier when she yelled, "Mom!! The drier won't start!" I had to explain to her that the door needed to be shut. Her response, "Oh. I didn't know that mattered." She's 15. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 712

You deserved it 6 070

By Anonymous - 13/05/2013 21:17 - United States - Euless

Today, I lost my patience and asked the deadbeat I loaned money to last year to please pay up. His response: "Blow me." No thanks, dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 462

You deserved it 5 743

By Anonymous - 18/08/2018 03:30

Today, I had sex with a guy I'd had a crush on for a long time. When I asked if he was having trouble putting it in, he answered that he was fully in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 955

You deserved it 638

By inlovewithstupid - 04/09/2011 16:40 - United States

Today, my boyfriend bitched me out for being too controlling. Apparently, not only am I being unreasonable by not wanting him visiting strip clubs with his friends, I'm also just "looking for excuses to get mad" at him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 320

You deserved it 17 265

By comfort_ - 27/03/2015 03:28 - United States - Dalton

Today, I managed to take an entire shower without realizing my socks were on. I washed my feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 486

You deserved it 10 132

By Jennifer - 20/01/2016 19:20 - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I was at school deleting documents I no longer needed on my school account. After clicking empty trash can, I saw a final paper on political science deleted. I'm not in political science, and I wasn't deleting files on my account. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 119

You deserved it 10 618

By Username - 20/08/2011 00:22 - United States

Today, my grandmother sat me down and gave me a talk about the importance of personal hygiene. According to her, it's important that I shower twice a day, because "Fat people tend to have a most curious smell about them." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 544

You deserved it 11 996

By Username - 04/05/2011 03:24

Today, I can't attend an interview for a great job because I have an exam. An exam I need to pass in order to have a great job like the one I'm missing the interview for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 201

You deserved it 4 096

By Anonymous - 01/10/2011 16:21 - United States

Today, I gave a man a cigarette. He spent the rest of the day so far following me around, telling me all about his medical history, and chasing after me when I got too far away. I couldn't get rid of him for hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 605

You deserved it 8 050

By RabbitOwner - 07/01/2011 20:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were playing with my pet rabbit when my boyfriend discovered poop on his lap. As he brushed it off, I reminded him that there are a lot worse things in the world than rabbit poop. Almost as if on cue, my rabbit peed on both of us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 008

You deserved it 21 685

By Anonymous - 14/01/2014 20:09 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, my dad and I got royally bitched out by my mother, because she found a bill for a porn site subscription, which was paid by my dad, but made out to my name. I had no idea about any of this, but she now thinks I'm a filthy porn addict and that my dad is an enabler. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 691

You deserved it 5 828

By anon - 23/03/2015 02:24 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was playing with my 3-year-old nephew when he suddenly got up and ran to his mom to tell her I was "touching in bad spots". I was tickling his armpits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 248

You deserved it 2 905

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Top comments

gracehi 31

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Monday 10 December 2012 2:57

Might I suggest a hammer? OR you could get a child to open it. Those little fuckers seem to be the only ones capable of opening those damn child safety caps.

pil_84 9

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Monday 10 December 2012 2:56

Irony.

pil_84 9

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Monday 10 December 2012 2:56

Irony.

TheMaster15 10

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Monday 10 December 2012 3:02

The epitome of, indeed.

SokDek 14

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Monday 10 December 2012 3:03

Time to bust out the power tools.

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Monday 10 December 2012 3:12

Power tools usually require a strong grip also. OP, you're screwed!

gc327072 30

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Monday 10 December 2012 3:57

20- nah, saws just require a good trigger finger.

Rowdey 10

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Monday 10 December 2012 4:04

20 - Was that pun intentional? :D

DooleyFTW 17

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Monday 10 December 2012 5:31

Wracked with pain?

free2speak 14

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Monday 10 December 2012 5:47

She is not very handy at opening medication bottles. On a serious note, request non child-proof bottle, next time, OP!

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Monday 10 December 2012 11:31

37- if I explain the pun, to ANYONE, the pun fairy will take away my pun powers..

kyfml 1

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Monday 10 December 2012 17:30

ziplock bags requested

gracehi 31

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Monday 10 December 2012 2:57

Might I suggest a hammer? OR you could get a child to open it. Those little fuckers seem to be the only ones capable of opening those damn child safety caps.

NicollieO 7

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Monday 10 December 2012 3:26

I just laughed until I cried... That is so true!!!

NickKuiper 8

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Monday 10 December 2012 3:48

This comment made my day, thank you!

gracehi 31

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Monday 10 December 2012 4:08

You're welcome. The walrus aims to please...sometimes.

venus89 17

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Monday 10 December 2012 14:40

Omg that was THE perfect comment!!!!! Just me feel so much better after my crappy weekend. I fell off my bed from laughing so hard!!!

priceyfml 7

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Monday 10 December 2012 2:57

:I sorry ask for something maybe easier to open a pill capsul ?

Jjgibbs 5

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Monday 10 December 2012 7:36

I am guessing typing this FML was also not reccomended

Kallian_fml 21

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Monday 10 December 2012 2:58

I'll bet the doctor had already thought of that when he gave you the medicine. He's having a good chuckle now.

TipOfTheHat 10

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Monday 10 December 2012 2:59

Use "the gripper" as advertised on tv! Wow it really does have a use!

lilhellian 26

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Monday 10 December 2012 2:59

Those things jeez.. I've tried everything from a knife to a friggin lightsaber. They refuse to open! :(

lilhellian 26

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Monday 10 December 2012 3:02

I would but the lil bastard ran off! D: little ninjas, they are.

LappDance 16

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Monday 10 December 2012 3:04

No pain, no gain! Just rip that sucker off and enjoy your meds.

eur0 14

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Monday 10 December 2012 3:04

What if your pulling instead of rotating it ? Happens to me all the time , lol.

lilhellian 26

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Monday 10 December 2012 3:07

I couldn't help but think of the fml before this one.. :S

priceyfml 7

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Monday 10 December 2012 3:13

My lord the image O.O

Rosie_Posie43 12

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Monday 10 December 2012 3:05

I went through that too... Made my dad turn into my servant and open my meds for me everyday. Why must the doctors torture us so??? "t(.____. "t )

MatteKudasai 17

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Monday 10 December 2012 3:20

You made him do it every single day? Why didn't you just put the cap on looser after the first time?

Rosie_Posie43 12

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Monday 10 December 2012 6:10

I wasn't the one closing it now was I?

Kiki242 19

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Monday 10 December 2012 3:08

Your doctor is a but of a troll.

lilhellian 26

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Monday 10 December 2012 3:18

So he spews a lot of shit? Thats not a nice thing to say about docs.

Kiki242 19

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Monday 10 December 2012 4:23

I only said his doctor. Not all of them.

lilhellian 26

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Monday 10 December 2012 4:35

41 Check your typo, then my comment. :)

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 28

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41

You deserved it 22

Spicy

Today, I found out my husband has to take Viagra to get it up with me. He never needed it with his ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 634

You deserved it 190

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 863

You deserved it 259

Eye-bleach please

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