Today, my daughter put a doll in the microwave "to keep her warm".... - FML

By wtfdaughter - 3/2/2015 16:59 - Brazil - Recife

Today, my daughter put a doll in the microwave "to keep her warm". She's 17. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2012 01:06 - Canada - Windsor

Today, I saw my girlfriend walking hand-in-hand down the street with another man. When I confronted her, she claimed she had no idea who I was, and the guy told me to beat it. Later on, she returned to our apartment and actually tried to act as if nothing had happened. FML

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By Username - 19/10/2010 15:24 - France

Today, my boss told me that I'd confessed my love to him last night when he'd held my hair back as I puked. FML

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By violated ._. - 22/8/2013 22:45 - United States

Today, I did something I'd always wanted to do: I went swimming with dolphins. It was really fun, until I went to kiss the dolphin, and she slipped her tongue half into my mouth. FML

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By heart broken - 29/12/2014 09:05 - United States

Today, my husband told me yet again that the last two years have been the worst of his life. Our two year anniversary is next week. FML

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By Czechplease - 3/11/2011 14:23 - United States

Today, my mom told my girlfriend an embarrassing story about me, along the lines of whenever my parents would take me school clothes shopping, I'd cry because I hated all the choices they gave me. The most recent incident of this? Last year. I'm 18. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2010 04:31 - United States

Today, after getting out of the shower, I was in a good mood. So I decided to run around the house naked, then play air guitar while air drying, just for fun. My blinds were open, and the men in the Fedex truck in my front yard did have fun. FML

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By mandy_2480 - 19/2/2012 02:08 - China

Today, I had to stop my 26 year old fiancé from picking his nose and eating it like a little boy. Three times. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2009 02:52 - United States

Today, I parked my car on the street to go to the gym. When I came back my car was blocked by a parade of people. I turned to a shop worker smoking a cigarette and said "Jesus! What the hell is going on?" I got many strange looks. It was a Good Friday parade lead by a local church. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2014 06:38 - Australia - Boondall

Today, after his sixth beer, my dad looked me in the eye and said "I've never forgiven you for what you did to your mother's vagina". FML

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By Anonymous - 7/2/2015 14:33 - United States - Brownwood

Today, my boss was telling everyone his mother recently passed away and he'll be off work for a while. I'd been holding in painful gas for a while, so I tried to ease it out. It turned into a long, squeaky fart in front of everyone. Everyone glared at me as if I was trying to be funny. FML

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By anon_smh - 18/2/2016 04:37 - United States - Bozeman

Today, after interviewing for a promotion to a position that was created with me in mind, I eagerly accepted a call from my boss, expecting good news. Turns out, they found a better applicant, who they don't believe will need support from the position I currently hold, so it's being eliminated. FML

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By lunchbox2353 - 30/7/2019 02:00 - United States

Today, for 20 minutes, I watched my girlfriend use a mini flashlight to look for her keys in her purse. The flashlight was on her key chain. As were her keys. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2011 06:05 - United States

Today, a stoned man tried to break into my house. Naked. FML

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By J Money - 3/9/2018 04:00 - United States

Today, I'm being paid to watch paint dry. I work for military defense, and the door l just painted is an opening for a secure lab, so has to be monitored nonstop. This cannot happen until the paint dries. The U.S. government is literally paying me to watch paint dry. FML

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By amburrr - 3/8/2009 00:59 - United States

Today, I was working in my store. Right around closing, a lady came in to try some things on. I went to the back and when I came out, she was standing in the middle of the room with fluid coming from between her legs. I asked her if she was going into labor. She wasn't. She was peeing. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/7/2019 18:01 - United States

Today, I'm so single, I signed up for a free consultation on an LGBT arranged marriage site. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2009 22:36 - United States

Today, my coworker came over to my desk and told me that I should protect my Twitter updates, because I had unknowingly made them public. My tweets include drinking stories, all the men I've hooked up with, various cuss words, sexual innuendos, and how much I hate my coworkers. FML

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By Anon - 27/2/2010 16:07 - United States

Today, my boss told me that if I didn't become his neighbor on Farmville I wouldn't have a job. I laughed. He didn't. FML

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By brokeandsad - 3/1/2010 20:21 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I got into a fight about a clogged toilet. He was yelling about not having enough money to buy a better plunger and so I stormed out to buy one myself. While pulling his truck into traffic, a car hit me causing $1000 in damage. FML

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By DisappointedDaughter - 26/6/2019 16:03

Today, I’m counting the things my mother has broken or ruined since I let her move in with me a year ago. So far, the list contains a Christmas tree, my power drill, a toaster oven, inherited kitchen knives, an expensive bath towel set, multiple kitchen gadgets, a flatbed scanner and a laser printer. FML

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By Cheer4Life - 11/11/2013 21:41 - United States - Bloomington

Today, after making several comments about how I didn't exactly look thin, my boyfriend said, "Well, at least we know you'll look good pregnant." FML

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By NewRoommateNeededASAP - 13/10/2016 01:29 - United States

Today, I skipped class and went to back my apartment early. I found that my roommate had broken into my room and was laying in my bed wearing my underwear, taking pictures of herself. Apparently, she's been doing it all semester. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2014 22:01 - Canada - Toronto

Today, the guy I've been dating told me with a wink that before he'll go on any more dates, he'd require me to take a series of "oral exams" to prove I'm right for him. I think he actually expected that to work. NEXT. FML

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By say dump him and i'll kill you - 29/12/2012 00:50 - United Kingdom - Soham

Today, proving that there's no limit to the stupid shit people will do, my husband called me from hospital, needing a lift home. He tried planking on top of his car while his buddies sped it down a hill, and I now have to take care of him while his broken leg heals. FML

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By ARGHHHH - 4/10/2018 05:00

Today, my mom ordered my birthday presents on eBay. Too bad she used my account, so when I went to look for ideas, everything she bought me popped up. It's so much stuff I don't want, need, or will ever use, and it's on my credit card. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2015 01:33 - United States - Hayward

Today, the priest at my wedding farted. Everyone thought it was me. The guests, my bride, even the priest himself looked at me in disgust before continuing. FML

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By fannyfitel123 - 24/8/2009 16:43 - United States

Today, I corrected my mom in front of our family while she was ragging on my 12 year old cousin who got a piercing. She said, "You don't understand you don't have kids, but on the other hand you probably never will!" I have Polycystic ovary syndrome, she is right, I probably never will. FML

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By Redbeard - 24/1/2020 05:00

Who taught him

Today, while we had my husband's boss over, my 3-year-old son decided to burst into the living room naked and yell, "Mum, look! Penis!" and wiggle it around. FML

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By crinitis - 28/1/2016 16:05 - Canada - Ancaster

Today, I found out my parents only had me in an attempt to fix their relationship. It didn't work. FML

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By NotYourLady - 4/9/2009 06:23 - Canada

Today, I was babysitting a boy who was 11 years old. He told me that he loved me and wanted to be my boyfriend. I told him that I think he is a really great kid but I'm 17 so it would never work out. He said okay. When his parents came home he told them that I hit him and started crying. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2011 11:07 - United States

Today, I was tending the cash register. I scanned a lady's items which totaled $89.68. She paid with a $100 bill. I gave her $11.32 change. She angrily gave back the extra dollar and complained about "schools nowadays". I'm an AP Calculus student. FML

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By Crispy cripple - 5/9/2018 18:30

Today, my dorm's fire alarm went off. In the rush to escape, I slipped and fell off my bunk bed, breaking my ankle in two places. Crying, I told my roommates I needed help to walk. They shrugged and left after mentioning that I would slow them down. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2010 07:34 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a party dressed as a Pinata. Drunk people tried to hit me all night. FML

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By flustered - 28/7/2009 22:55 - United States

Today, I went to the grocery store. My checker was very hot. When it came time for me to pay, I swiped my debit card and the machine kept rejecting it. Sure that I had money in my account, I did it again, before the cute checker informed me that I was swiping my driver's license, not my debit. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2019 07:00 - Colombia - Bogot?

Any damage? Who nose?

Today, it's the seventh day after my nose job. I was taking something out of a box and pulled too hard. I punched myself in the nose. FML

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By NickC - 29/11/2009 00:40 - Malaysia

Today, my girlfriend's parents wanted to cook dinner for me. After a whole day of cooking up a storm, her parents cooked an elaborate meal of roast lamb, pork chops and grilled chicken. Rejecting a meal is like spitting in ones face in Chinese culture. I'm vegetarian. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2015 17:14 - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I felt some serious gas building up while at the supermarket. I tried to quietly fart it out, only to end up sharting myself. I had to frantically waddle out of the store as discreetly as possible as several people in the vicinity freaked out and tried to locate the source of the smell. FML

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By Directionally challenged - 11/4/2013 16:18 - United States

Today, I started my new job as a mail carrier. One of my assigned roads was Milbrooke Street, which I'd never heard of. After driving around for ages trying to find it, I called for directions. The street doesn't exist in my city; it's just the boss' way of seeing how stupid you are. FML

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By brokenhearted - 18/2/2010 09:51 - United States

Today, after 25 years of marriage and 2 children, I was served with divorce papers. It turns out my 51 year old, soon to be ex, has been having an affair with the 24 year old tutor I hired to help our daughter bring her grades up. They are in love and want to start a new family together as soon as possible. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2011 06:16 - United States

Today, I brought my boyfriend of 2 weeks home to meet my mom and she started talking about how she really wants a lot of grand-kids. He called 2 hours later and broke up with me. FML

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Top comments

By WeLikeIke | 22

#6191565 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 0:20

10 years later: "Mommy, I'm cold!" "Here, Here, Timmy, let's get cozy in the oven!"
NEWS ALERT: Mother of one faces charges after attempting to kill son with an.. Oven?

By Mynamewontfi | 40

#6191587 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 0:25

And won't breed.

Comments

By GIGA_IMPACT | 15

#6191554 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 0:18

I wonder if your daughter will go in the oven to keep herself warm

Reply

j_cat187 | 19

#6191894 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 7:27

Must ... resist... holocaust joke.

Reply

dietbacon | 13

#6192850 - Thursday 5 February 2015 2:20

pernambuco is like a thousand degrees right now, I don't think she'd need to. Because of that, I also think this fml is just plain bullshit

Reply

Joshwarrior | 38

#6193084 - Thursday 5 February 2015 6:31

Damnit your comment made Happy tree friends come to mind :/ and here I thought I managed to lock those memories away.

By weveallbeenthere | 30

#6191555 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 0:18

but did it work. I'm sure your daughter will go far in life.

Reply

ProfessorMctitie | 20

#6191668 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 1:53

You liar

By vikky538 | 28

#6191559 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 0:19

let's hope she will graduate...

Reply

EvilLittleMan | 23

#6191682 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 2:05

... and not procreate.

Reply

photographer49 | 22

#6191772 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 4:02

#4 you want to let her out into the world?

Reply

CandyApple88 | 13

#6195060 - Saturday 7 February 2015 2:55

when she tilts her head sideways, does sawdust fall from her ears? Time to change the carpeted floors for lino/tiles.

By WeLikeIke | 22

#6191565 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 0:20

10 years later: "Mommy, I'm cold!" "Here, Here, Timmy, let's get cozy in the oven!"
NEWS ALERT: Mother of one faces charges after attempting to kill son with an.. Oven?

Reply

mightycocoman | 12

#6191634 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 1:05

That's happened before.

Reply

Roskosity | 22

#6191687 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 2:08

That's so morbid. Better educate her the best you can now or look forward to French fried grand babies.

Reply

PePziNL | 20

#6191720 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 2:45

French Fried Grandbabies is an awesome name for a rock / metal band

By The_Village_Idio | 6

#6191569 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 0:21

Um, that's certainly a creative way of going about it...

By nchic01 | 17

#6191572 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 0:21

well hopefully she didn't turn it on!

By Emzinatorbot | 26

#6191574 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 0:22

"Hey idiot did you just blow in from stupid town?"

Reply

expertsmilee | 26

#6191618 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 0:48

Hey pal*

By Nameless_Fellow | 11

#6191583 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 0:24

*Insults daughter's intelligence*

BURN!!

By Ethan_Anonymous | 28

#6191584 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 0:25

I hope she is good looking.

Reply

teyyoshi | 19

#6191875 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 6:44

why ？

Reply

ptoka | 20

#6192062 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 12:58

She can be the sexiest, most attractive girl ever, but you still can't fix stupid.

By Mynamewontfi | 40

#6191587 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 0:25

And won't breed.