Today, my daughter put a doll in the microwave "to keep her warm".... - FML

By wtfdaughter - 3/2/2015 16:59 - Brazil - Recife

Today, my daughter put a doll in the microwave "to keep her warm". She's 17. FML

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No justice

Not a cheating!

Risky business

By wookieewhosshe - 22/7/2019 06:43

Today, I was informed that my flatmate had not handed his documents in to the new landlord like he'd told me. We are due to move to a new area tomorrow for the new job that I start in 4 days. Now we can't move for another week. Anyone have a spare couch? FML

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By TCRII - 19/1/2019 16:00

Today, my girlfriend came over, drank half a bottle of Jack Daniels and pissed in my sink. I broke up with her and went out with friends. I met a woman and brought her home to watch a movie. She drank a bottle of wine and puked on my couch. FML

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By Breath of fresh air - 3/8/2020 17:01

Wear your masks

Today, after 3 months of no Coronavirus in my state, two stupid cunts have to failed to self-isolate and restarted the lockdown. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2019 18:00

No feeling - Just conversation

Today, I was touching myself under the sheets at 2:00 a.m. when my very drunk dad walked into the room. I was afraid to move my hand for fear of getting caught red-handed, so I had a 30 minute conversation with him with my fingers still inside me. FML

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By anonymous - 30/10/2009 07:45 - United States

Today, I decided to adopt a 11 year old dog that has been in need of a home for several months. Two hours after I got him home, I discovered him dead in the backyard. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/5/2012 19:30 - Sweden - G?teborg

Today, I had to pick my son up from school after he beat the crap out of another student. The words that made him go nuts were apparently, "You mad, bro?" FML

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By jsw029 - 26/2/2009 04:51 - United States

Today, I met a guy at a bar and we went back to my room. We start having sex and about 30 seconds in he stops and says it's not right - he likes me too much for a one night stand. He gives me his number, a kiss on the cheek and leaves. Turns out he already came. I call his phone - wrong number. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2010 01:31 - United States

Today, there was an animal rummaging around in my trashcan, so I kicked the trashcan to see what it was. The fox then chased me for three blocks to find out what I was. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2009 04:30 - United States

Today, I went for a run. I ended up being tackled by two cops, handcuffed, and dragged to the station with no explanation. Turns out a house nearby had been robbed and the best description they got was 'A man running'. I didn't even get an apology. FML

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By dorianseiji - 11/3/2015 20:37 - France - Amiens

Today, I ate an apple. My sister then walks in dressed as a witch, and asks, "Have you seen my poisoned apple?" She was playing at Snow White, and the apple had been dipped in the toilet, the cat's food bowl and the garbage can. FML

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By FML - 15/5/2012 19:02 - Finland

Today, I was told the Mandarin greeting that my new Chinese friends at school taught me was not really a greeting at all. I've been proclaiming "I'm a dumb bitch" every time I've greeted them, almost every day for the past month. FML

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By x_o - 4/8/2013 20:51 - Hungary - ?ttev?ny

Today, it was my first day at my new job. I had to break up two fistfights, then leave work early with a black eye. This is not what I had in mind when I applied to work at a retirement home. FML

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By notpregnantthankgod - 20/11/2015 17:20 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, the local gossip was in line behind me at the shop. She saw me buying pregnancy tests. The good news is that I'm not pregnant. The bad news is that she'll definitely have everyone thinking I am. FML

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By ClaireBear150 - 20/9/2012 03:09 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying on one of my little black dresses and heels. He wanted to "see what the fuss was about." I would have been angry if the sight of him dressed like this hadn't turned me on more than he ever has in the 3 years we've been dating. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/3/2011 07:29 - Australia

Today, I was chosen to MC a function at work. I developed a terrible case of hiccups which made the audience giggle and groan for the duration of my time on stage. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - 17/1/2011 06:24 - France

Today, I signed my own plaster-cast to make people believe that I actually have friends. FML

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By PntsLessWonder - 1/12/2009 04:53 - United States

Today, I left my friend this big Facebook wall comment about how adorable his son is. Just after posting, I read the other peoples' comments and find out that it's his daughter. FML

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By Username - 5/11/2010 22:02 - France

Today, I was reading to a child during nap time because she woke up crying. She calmed down right after I began reading, but soon started crying again. I was confused until I felt something warm and wet on my leg. She peed on me. FML

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By chickennoodlesoup - 21/5/2009 01:50 - Canada

Today, I made chicken noodle soup for the girl I've been seeing to help her get over her cold. From scratch. Everything fresh save for the canned chicken stock. It took an hour in preparation and half an hour to take the bus to her place. Her first words? The celery's not cooked enough. FML

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By awesome - 5/1/2012 17:13 - United States

Today, my Christmas tree was finally shipped. FML

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By notnow - 27/9/2013 01:32 - United States

Today, minutes before I walked down the aisle at my wedding, my drunk mother stumbled up to me and told me she was depressed and wanted to leave. FML

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By RabbitOwner - 7/1/2011 20:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were playing with my pet rabbit when my boyfriend discovered poop on his lap. As he brushed it off, I reminded him that there are a lot worse things in the world than rabbit poop. Almost as if on cue, my rabbit peed on both of us. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2012 18:43 - United States

Today, the guardian angel charm my grandma gave to me for "safe driving" fell off my sun visor while I was driving. This scared me enough to cause me to swerve into another moving car. So much for safe driving. FML

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By 3yrneveragainn - 31/12/2011 00:45

Today, I figured out why the man I've been seeing for 3 years hasn't asked for my hand in marriage. His current wife called me and told me all about it. FML

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By brokeandhungry - 4/7/2013 05:18 - United States

Today, I saw a little girl digging in the gravel inside the fireworks tent I work in. After she and her family left, I went and used my foot to smooth out the mound she'd made. In doing so, I discovered that she wasn't digging, she was burying. She'd pooped. FML

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By FML4evs - 10/4/2009 02:43 - United States

Today, my younger brother watched an old music video of The Who, who are know for smashing up their guitars and such. He decided it would be cool to try it with mine. That guitar was worth over $3000. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2011 19:16 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that I love him. He responded by asking for a blowjob. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2010 11:42 - Canada

Today, I was stuck behind an elderly man on a one-way street into my university campus. There was no traffic in front of him and we were both going under the speed limit, so I honked my horn at him to speed up. He ended up double-parking in the last two spots. FML

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By dorrisdoes - 28/7/2014 20:47 - New Zealand

Today, while working an early shift, I was dressing a wound on a gorgeous guy, when he laughed and pointed out some granny panties next to me on the floor. I guess I forgot to take yesterday's underwear out of my pants before putting them back on this morning. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2009 12:54 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to catch a coach to London at 4 in the morning. I was late so I had to take any free seat, so sat down next to a seemingly sweet old man. Within ten minutes, the sweet old man was trying to kiss me and trying to pull me on top of him. Nobody said anything. The journey was 4 hours long. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2016 06:54 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I finally got myself settled into bed around 2 in the morning after a very long day. My cat started to snuggle with me when I smelled something disgusting. Turns out my cat sharted in my bed. FML

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By frozenpoo - 21/1/2015 02:05 - United States

Today, while trying to take a crap, I shut the bathroom door. A minute later, my 3 year old daughter knocked and said "Mommy, do you wanna build a snowman?" She kept singing the song until I was finally done. FML

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By Chat - 4/3/2018 19:00

Today, my only day off this week, my cat decided that she wanted feeding at 5am and wouldn’t stop meowing till I filled up her bowl. She then refused to eat it. FML

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By racello13 - 2/11/2015 15:26 - United States - Baldwinsville

Today, I've been robbed. I came home to find my oven door missing. FML

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By plzstop - 4/10/2016 11:03 - United States - West Lafayette

Today, I'm a college student. Just like every other goddamn day, my roommate set about twenty alarms a good two hours before she even needs to get up. She just sleeps through the first hour or so of alarms while I wake up. I've been waking up at 6 a.m., even though my first classes are at 9. FML.

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By eatmyshipoopie - 18/12/2009 15:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I was getting it on with my boyfriend when my dad opened the door. I thought I hadn't been seen because the door was only open a tiny bit. I then looked into the mirror by the door to see my dad's reflection, staring at mine, horrified. I was on top. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/5/2013 15:55 - United States

Today, my mom asked me what a MILF is. Apparently that's her nickname at work. FML

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By YankeeDoodle - 4/3/2010 05:30 - Australia

Today, I discovered my employer is advertising for a contractor position within my team performing basically the same role as myself. Except the pay is seven times more. FML

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By AnnaWusHere - 3/9/2010 06:18 - United States

Today, my 72 year old Grandmother informed me she's running for mayor. She's been going around town with home made signs all day campaigning to win mayor. She lives in my town. My friend called me asking me if she was high. FML

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By LexS12 - 30/4/2017 04:00

Today, at the age of 21, I've been diagnosed with arthritis in my knees. There goes my volleyball career. FML

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Top comments

By WeLikeIke | 22

#6191565 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 0:20

10 years later: "Mommy, I'm cold!" "Here, Here, Timmy, let's get cozy in the oven!"
NEWS ALERT: Mother of one faces charges after attempting to kill son with an.. Oven?

By Mynamewontfi | 40

#6191587 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 0:25

And won't breed.

COMMENTS

By GIGA_IMPACT | 15

#6191554 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 0:18

I wonder if your daughter will go in the oven to keep herself warm

Reply

j_cat187 | 19

#6191894 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 7:27

Must ... resist... holocaust joke.

Reply

dietbacon | 13

#6192850 - Thursday 5 February 2015 2:20

pernambuco is like a thousand degrees right now, I don't think she'd need to. Because of that, I also think this fml is just plain bullshit

Reply

Joshwarrior | 38

#6193084 - Thursday 5 February 2015 6:31

Damnit your comment made Happy tree friends come to mind :/ and here I thought I managed to lock those memories away.

By weveallbeenthere | 30

#6191555 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 0:18

but did it work. I'm sure your daughter will go far in life.

Reply

ProfessorMctitie | 20

#6191668 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 1:53

You liar

By vikky538 | 28

#6191559 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 0:19

let's hope she will graduate...

Reply

EvilLittleMan | 23

#6191682 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 2:05

... and not procreate.

Reply

photographer49 | 22

#6191772 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 4:02

#4 you want to let her out into the world?

Reply

CandyApple88 | 13

#6195060 - Saturday 7 February 2015 2:55

when she tilts her head sideways, does sawdust fall from her ears? Time to change the carpeted floors for lino/tiles.

By WeLikeIke | 22

#6191565 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 0:20

10 years later: "Mommy, I'm cold!" "Here, Here, Timmy, let's get cozy in the oven!"
NEWS ALERT: Mother of one faces charges after attempting to kill son with an.. Oven?

Reply

mightycocoman | 12

#6191634 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 1:05

That's happened before.

Reply

Roskosity | 22

#6191687 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 2:08

That's so morbid. Better educate her the best you can now or look forward to French fried grand babies.

Reply

PePziNL | 20

#6191720 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 2:45

French Fried Grandbabies is an awesome name for a rock / metal band

By The_Village_Idio | 6

#6191569 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 0:21

Um, that's certainly a creative way of going about it...

By nchic01 | 17

#6191572 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 0:21

well hopefully she didn't turn it on!

By Emzinatorbot | 26

#6191574 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 0:22

"Hey idiot did you just blow in from stupid town?"

Reply

expertsmilee | 26

#6191618 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 0:48

Hey pal*

By Nameless_Fellow | 11

#6191583 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 0:24

*Insults daughter's intelligence*

BURN!!

By Ethan_Anonymous | 28

#6191584 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 0:25

I hope she is good looking.

Reply

teyyoshi | 19

#6191875 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 6:44

why ？

Reply

ptoka | 20

#6192062 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 12:58

She can be the sexiest, most attractive girl ever, but you still can't fix stupid.

By Mynamewontfi | 40

#6191587 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 0:25

And won't breed.