Today, my boyfriend gave his penis a high five for not getting me pregnant. He does this every time I get my period. Every. Single. Time. FML
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Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, my boyfriend told me that he could predict my periods because he keeps track of when I'm at my bitchiest each month. This wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't so accurate. FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend if he might want kids one day, and he most definitely does not. In fact, he even thanked me for reminding him we need to stock up on condoms when we go shopping, plus he’s even considering a vasectomy just to make sure. I’m already pregnant. FML
Today, while I was at my boyfriend's house, I got my period. About an hour after I told him, he impatiently said, "Is it over yet?" FML
Today, I told my boyfriend that I've missed my period, and that I think I might be pregnant. He started panicking and ended up puking in the toilet. FML
Today, my boyfriend clearly stated that I was "useless" when on my period. FML
Today, my cheater of an ex-boyfriend sent me one of his many messages proclaiming his new-found love for me, and in the middle of it asked me how my period was going. FML
Today, I found out if I refuse my boyfriend anything in public, he will continually yell out, "Penis!" until he gets his way. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him. He responded by fist pumping. FML
Today, my pregnancy test came back positive. My boyfriend is no fan of fatherhood, so it was with some hesitation that I called him and let him know I'm pregnant. He replied, "Like hell you are!" and hung up. He now refuses to answer any of my calls. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend of 4 years that I'm pregnant. He suggested we get a paternity test done. FML
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Top comments
Pwib 14
Can you really give it "five" if it doesn't have a hand?
Misshhh 23
One word: Condom
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Comments (168)
darwinism 30
Next time you are a little late, give your ****** a fist pump, just to see his reaction.
albertozeta_fml 9
Next time give a low five to his balls.
Just_A_Tree 20
*sarcastic tone* If you give high fives after a good game, then doesn't the same go for good sex? Sometimes, ya gotta let the other team know that they did good. Right?
Ki11erC 18
But this is after a period. So, high five for good period?
stevothedevo 25
*Sarcastic tone* Your obviously not a Virgin..
8born8 18
No, he's just a tree.
Wakachulak 22
Tell him how you love the fact he's sterile because that way you can keep him on the side when you decide to marry and have kids.
Merridew 8
Still better then knocking you up
Cass_x 22
Than* I had to do it D:
Sionnach 10
Sterility FTW! Be glad this idiot isn't likely to breed anytime soon.
slyde32 12
how do we know he's sterile?
Cass_x 22
.. How old are you guys? Anyway, having kids is a topic you should've talked about earlier if you decided to have sex without protection. Or you could ask him now why he doesnt wanna have kids (if you're not like 16 years old or something)
martin8337 36
He probably doesn't want kids because he realizes that we live in an overpopulated and underfed world, that being said, he needs to use a condom.
slyde32 12
how in the hell are we underfed? do you not know what a grocery store is?
Polynomial 28
65, i scoff at 32 too, but their point is valid. Yours is not. You sir, are an idiot.
martin8337 36
#65 how many grocery stores are out the the African desert? Just an example.
martin8337 36
In the future, wars will be fought not over ideology, but for resources such as food, water and energy because there won't be enough of any of those for everyone. And let's not forget about poverty.
slyde32 12
I think it's pretty safe to assume op doesn't live in the African desert
martin8337 36
That's not the point.
8born8 18
Today's (1st world) society is the most over fed and under nourished. The food we get from supermarkets and even some grocery stores, isn't as fresh as they would want you to believe. We need to start teaching the little uns the value of home grown fresh food from the garden.
Fou_Lou 20
Uhhhh shouldn't your boyfriend high five the method of contraceptive measures used?
criss90 19
I guess you will keep getting your period since he does that to his genitals frequently
fleur_de_fevrier_fml 23
If you're two are having unprotected sex although you don't want to have a baby, you're both idiots.
seriouslygrowup 11
Just an observation, but you'd think that by now you're used to it or dumped him? I generally see so many people complain about things they can obviously change in their lives. But I guess society likes to complain rather than getting over the fact they can't change it, or change it. *high five*
Brandi_Faith 34
I think in a lot of those cases it's something that isn't a deal breaker but it's still a bit annoying so people tend to vent about it to a friend or family member so they don't vent about it to the person they're with. In this case specifically, I imagine it's not a deal breaker, something she's used to, and it probably doesn't really bother her but it was a good FML to get posted. Either way this is FML and a site to vent about things as well as joke about things or word things a certain way for a better worded/funnier FML.